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How to Be Charming to Men and Women

Charm is the attractiveness of an object or person that interests, pleases, and satisfies. When you know how to be charming to men and women, you are charismatic and attractive, but also attentive and empathetic. Charm is good people skills.

You are already swimming in the wake of those who courted their way ahead in a career or relationship with charm. Charming people get more affection from the opposite sex, get respected by strangers, and get the raise they want at work. Charming people have an easier, more enjoyable life.

In medieval times (and still to this day) magic had charm because of its mysteries. It had unknown traits that left outsiders dumbfounded. When you charm men and women, they wonder what magic you wield to make people respect and like you.

The good news is if you have as much charm as a backyard rock, you too can transform into a captivating diamond. If you feel you can never outshine the one always topping you with a cooler line, relax then follow some of the best tips showing how to be charming to men and women.

Be Sociable

I was going to put “be nice”, but that can be interpreted as some of the worst advice. If on a date, be nice to the valet people, waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and other service workers by smiling and saying, “G’day”. Ask them with genuine interest how their day is going. If you be a snotty snob, you look worse by the second. People around you wonder how your hair strategically hides your horns.

It’s charming to show friendliness to everyone. Being sociable in everyday “micro-interactions” makes you charismatic.

Show Confidence

You want to know “how to be charming to men and women”? Confidence has been undeniably taught for centuries as a method to charm. If you enter a social situation feeling good about yourself and looking your best, you do better than feeling like trash and looking like so. Any situation you enter with your tail between your legs causes you to stuff up. That’s all I’m going to say about confidence here as nobody can quickly tell you how to be confident.

Remember Arrogance is not Charm

Charm is not where you become Ron Burgundy, walk up to someone, then talk about how awesome you are. If two minutes into the conversation you brag about your recent humanitarian efforts in Haiti and rattle off the titles of leather bound books in your office, you’re not a charmer; you’re an arrogant a-hole. Please stop talking. Real charm comes from receiving by doing things like being genuinely interested and not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Be Lively, Not Obnoxious

Real charm comes from receiving… not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Whether you are at a bar, restaurant, or event in the park and you are the loudmouth everyone can hear, they’ll want to punch you in the face. It’s not cute and it’s not charming to be the loud, obnoxious person.

Be Positive

I know I’m drowning you in cliches. Too many people I’ve talked to don’t understand how to be charming to men and women because of simple mistakes. Nobody wants to hang around Negative Nancy.

Being sarcastic and cynical is one thing, though it’s difficult to show that part of you in a non-negative way. I like to think of being positively sarcastic as a type of art form. It’s difficult to achieve, but you’re golden if you can properly execute it in a sparing manner.

Avoid discussing how much you hate your job, how bad your health is, how tasteless the music being played is, and how you’re having the worst hair day ever (even though you were just complimented on it). Steer clear of topics like death and suffering, but when they are brought up and others want to discuss them, you can talk about tough topics with a soothing calmness.

Complimenting people is one great way to be positive. I’ll briefly teach you how to compliment soon. When someone compliments you, avoid responding with, “Ugh, you think so? I don’t like it.” Graciously say thank you and leave it at that.

Steve Pavilanis from A Life Less Anxious has a simple way to be more positive around people and with yourself:

Show Interest

Many of us are inclined to start talking about ourselves once someone mentions their hobby, as in, “Oh you like traveling? I just got back from Guatemala. I was helping to pave that giant hole in the earth. Did you hear about that?”

Instead, ask about their travels first, otherwise you look desperate to woo them with your God-like Earth-paving abilities and you will be made fun of when you leave. Always ask at least one question when someone mentions their career or a hobby.

Pure presence is intimately mind-warping.

Questioning itself does not charm people. It’s how you lean forward, widen your eyes, and focus on the person’s every word that charms men and women. Pure presence is intimately mind-warping. You’ve got to experience it to know what I’m talking about. There’s a whole chapter on this in Big Talk that makes it easy to charm anyone.

As a rule of thumb, whenever someone shows interest in a topic, respond with equal interest or positive curiosity. Listen to what they say with genuine interest. Minutes will fly-by as they think you’re a great conversationalist. After being heard, they will be keen to hear the stories of your travels. Only then is it okay to brag about your Earth-healing adventure.

Keep in Mind Silence is Golden

Silence at the right time is charming. A silent look into someone’s eyes with a warming smile can say much more than hours of speech.

If you’re awful at moments of silence, practice showing interest in people and work on your listening skills. People have untapped knowledge deep listening digs up. If a guy talks about a problem, listening intently helps him solve his own problems and it makes you look good! By actively listening you honor the talker’s thoughts and feelings and accept people for who they are which they will love.

Silence is golden and duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Withhold Advice

Active listening means you withhold advice until the person is done talking. Keep your unwelcome or unnecessary opinions to yourself. If a woman goes on about how her family never listens to her, don’t respond with “It’s no wonder” nor should you give her your elite suggestions to solve the situation. (Feel free, though, to talk about me and refer her to!)

Silence is golden and duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Advice is 1 of 12 communication killers revealed in the Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. You think you help people with advice, but there’s four reasons solutions hurt relationships.

Show Your Sense of Humor

Men and women love a sense of humor. Whether you’re the equivalent of a stand-up comedian, sarcastic, sharp with your wit, dry or dark, don’t be afraid to let it show. Inhibition is the greatest barrier to being funny.

You likely abstain from humor in fear that it’ll make people laugh at you. Bad humor repels people more than not being funny so let your humor-radar carefully guide you through the social waters. If your sense of humor has you walk up to a woman to say, “I like my women like the preparation of a good coffee: ground up and in the freezer,” don’t count on getting far.

There’s hope for you to become funnier because humor is learned. Get Comedy Writing Secrets to learn how humor is structured.

Also, an unusual way to improve your sense of humor is to laugh. Laughter is after all, the other side of a sense of humor. Laughing gets you in a good mood and trains you to take yourself lightly. We like people who laugh at our conversational humor. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex and spill your drink or twist up your words, laugh at yourself and relax about it. You can even playfully accuse the person for your accident: “Look what you did!”

Ease your way into humor by learning what works and what’s socially acceptable. You can charm people with laughter and not be a comedian.

Give Authentic, True, and Genuine Compliments

Everyone loves a compliment because it feels good to be admired, attractive, and appreciated (the triple A). Men particularly love them because we naturally crave respect and honor. Love to a woman is like respect to a man. An effective compliment, nonetheless, charms any person.

Sincerity in a compliment is not enough to make someone feel “the triple A”. Timing is also important. Showering someone with sweet words every hour is not attractive and takes away from the authenticity of everything else you say. A simple “you look great in that dress” or “you have beautiful eyes” is perfectly acceptable in small doses.

The last and most important factor to consider to give a killer compliment is figuring out what the person wants to be admired for. There’s no point praising a person on his shirt if he picked it with no care. If the person wears a shirt with the slogan “Help save African children from aids” because he worked in Africa for a few months fighting the disease, then the emotional connection he has with his shirt powers your compliment.

Charisma expert Wayne Elise has some extra advice on how to compliment.

Talk About Your Interests with Passion

Passion is infectious. If the person you talk to or are interested in hears you speak with passion and enthusiasm about what you do, they will become more intrigued with you. If you drone on about your job or how the last few vacations you took were a drag, you come across as Debbie Downer or Derek Depressor no one wants to travel with (or talk to).

Balance Your Work and Social Life

Charming people have the time to charm people! You’re not going to win men and women over by sitting in your office cubicle or playing World of Warcraft to six in the morning. You have got to get out to better socialize with these 14 amazing social skills resources.

We’ve all used the “I can’t, I have to…” excuse on someone we’re disinterested in, and have probably had it used on us. After awhile people are conditioned to think anyone who says no or says they have another commitment is blowing them off because they’re disinterested. I’m not saying you have to cancel plans every time someone you’re interested in wants to spend time with you, but have a flexible schedule.

Few persons want to date or be friends with someone who always runs off to work. Do you think a charming person values work over his or her friends?

Be Ambitious

If you have some direction in your life and goals regarding where you see yourself in 10 years – whether your goal is purchasing a home, helping the homeless in your city get off the street, or getting a raise at your job – show something. You do not look good when you come across as completely clueless with no goals or desires for your future.

For more tips with what you can do physically to improve your charm, a few key body language ideas follow.

Stand with Good Posture

An upright posture with your spine straight, shoulders back, and neck straight gives the added impression of self-confidence. Many people avoid standing this way because they feel uncomfortable or overpowering, but standing with this good posture after awhile feels natural and looks better.

Relax Your Facial Muscles

A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm.

As you read this, your brow is likely to be a little furrowed, eyes squinted, and lips pursed. Maybe not all these, but some, right? Why are you doing this? Can you see the monitor just fine? Probably. Chances are you do some of these things when you are in public as well.

Tension is unconscious, but relaxation is conscious. A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm. Relax the muscles on your face to the point where you cannot detect tension. You may even want to make this a routine right before you enter a room to socialize.

Smile with Your Teeth

A smile that shows teeth is more appealing and more attractive than a smile with lips together. The later is not as natural and charming. Even if you hate your teeth, research proves showing them when you smile is more authentic. An authentic smile shows you’re enjoying yourself, which is a charming trait. Watch this video for extra tips on how to smile:

Dress Comfortably

You may have worn an outfit that was “hot” or “appealing” or “fashionable,” but didn’t feel completely “yourself” in it. You feel wrong wearing something not you. You spend time adjusting, looking in the mirror, and worrying you look ridiculous. It distracts too much of your brain.

The principle is this: get comfortable in what you wear or don’t wear it. Don’t go out of your way to wear something just because you heard it appeals to someone of the opposite sex. You look more like a weirdo tugging at your outfit the whole night than if you wore your trustworthy outfit yet to fail you for years.

Authentic Charm – How to Be Charming

More Magical Methods to Charm

Here’s some bonus tips to help you charm anyone:

  1. Remember people’s names.
  2. Empathy is a core skill of charm. Always work on it.
  3. Research shows charismatic people are in touch with their emotions. Express what you feel and others will relate to your genuineness.
  4. Match your voice tone to your words for sincerity.
  5. Touch people on the elbow and shoulder when appropriate.
  6. Know a charmer is not a people-pleaser.

If you have yet to notice, charm is the art of having a good personality. And a “good personality” in this context is how good you are with people. Again, charm is good people skills.

Good looks is a part of charm, but even that forms your first impression with people so it relates to people skills. If you look good and you know it (and not in a cocky way), it will come through in your personality and you’re more likely to act your most “charming.” I’m quiet and flirty and work with that.

No matter what you do or no matter how hard you “try” to be charming, you will think someone is doing a better job than you, looks better than you, or seems to ease into conversation better than you. Overlook another person’s antics. Let them be them and you be you. Comparing yourself to others devours too much energy better spent on talking and listening to an awesome person and charming their face off. Focus on doing that instead of mental mutilation.

Self-consciousness hurts your ability to build friends. A charming person, after all, knows charm is held in the eye of another man or woman.

For hundreds more tips on how to be charming, make conversation, and win friends, check out the Big Talk Training Course.

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Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"

Joshua Uebergang, aka "Tower of Power", teaches social skills to help shy guys build friends and influence people. Visit his blog and sign-up free to get communication techniques, relationship-boosting strategies, and life-building tips by email, along with blog updates, and more! Go now to


Melody Kapanda

Whao! Joshua this is fantastic. I love it. You are my mentor. I wish you knew how much have learnt from you. Keep it up ANGEL!


Hi joshua,

i always have a lover and encouraging day once i read your Article. you are so good, I am having a positive altitude in my life because of your emails.



I love this very much,thank you Joshua my friend.

Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"

Thank you all for your appreciation. What I’d love even more is when you comment, please drop more detail as to what you love (here’s a tip: praise and describe exactly what you loved to add power to your words), you can share your thoughts, or you may even sneak in a tip you discovered on your own. Let’s get a discussion flowing.

I have removed many generically short comments that can fit any article and do so elsewhere on the site.



you r really awesome..i feel very confortable with your suggestions wherever iam…thank u soooooooooo much my dear friend


what are the qualities that project charisma?


hi Josh
thanks for ua advice ua,er smath up.indeed negative talk dulls pple,postive lifens. laughter heals. most postive pple are successful in life.nobody will want to associate with boustful person i like that bro.
smiles to teeth work wonders!


I liked the whole article, but for me, two points stood out.

‘Be lively, not obnoxious’. Sure, sometimes obnoxious people might be entertaining(like a Youtube persona The Amazing Atheist), but in person they are most often just irritating or tiring to be with or around.

Another one: ‘Know who you are and be that person.’ Would you make a post about determining what kind of personality would feel the most right for each and every one?

Could you also make a post about qualities, actions or traits that cause a conversational partner to lose interest or get completely turned off?

Another suggestion I have is making a review of Leil Lowndes’ How to Instantly Connect with Anyone. I’ve read it through and it has helped me. 😎

Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"

Some call charisma and charm the same thing, but they’re a little different. Both attract people.

I think of charisma as more energetic and outgoing. A charismatic person sucks others into his or her reality. While some are drawn to it, because the energy is so strong, others are repelled. Adolf Hitler is one dark example. A charismatic guy at a bar will have women physically and emotionally drawn to him. They are leaders.

Charm is more subtle. It’s a quiet magic that exudes over people. An empathetic person quietly charms those he or she talks to. You won’t be loudly obnoxious with charm, but you may with charisma.

Jyry, about the point “know who you are and be that person”, not sure if I will write a full article about it. I completely cover what you’re asking about authenticity and getting to know your real self in the first chapter of Big Talk. In the book you learn how to find your real self, charm people with it, and make friends wherever you go.

Leil Lowndes’ connection book is good. That’s my review for it :-). I interviewed Leil for the Big Talkers course where she gave over 80 tips to deeply talk and connect with anyone.


Thank you for answering, Joshua! 🙂 I look forward to buying Big Talk and perhaps Big Talkers once I have my own credit card. Not to forget Communication Secrets of Powerful People, of course.

I’ve been following your articles for quite some time. Mind at all if I’ll be giving you suggestions for articles every once in a while?

For example: how to deal with being unpopular, how to make people listen to you, how to avoid boring people, how to select right types of friends and so on.

Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"

Sounds good Jyry. I want to write and teach what you and others want to read and learn about. There’s little point teaching a topic no one cares for.


No intention to come across as obnoxious, pushy or forceful by persistent posting, but may I ask you a few questions, Joshua, if you don’t mind at all?

What will your next post be about?

You’ve done quite many book recommendations. Have you ever considered reviewing a book you would ”not” recommend to others?

Do you have a YouTube -account?

If you had to choose between two things, would you rather be popular or keep your integrity?

Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"

You’ll have to wait and see what the next post is about.

There’s little point in reviewing a non-recommended book other than saving people the time of getting a poor book. I’d rather tell people what to get. Most book reviews haven’t been very beneficial or successful for me so I’m not overly keen to write more.

My YouTube is although I have not put up any videos yet. I will eventually 😆 Asking about it has given me a little smack on the but to get it going.

Interesting question about popularity and integrity. There doesn’t have to be a choice between popularity and integrity. It sounds as though you feel you must do something against your values to be liked. The question is what? A chameleon who destory’s his own values may be liked on the surface, but no real relationships can flourish because the person isn’t real.

The only time I think you’d value popularity over integrity is because of serious love and acceptance issues. The core issue of your question is deep. If I had to choose one, definitely integrity. You’re not always with people, but you’re always with yourself.


Thank you for answers, Joshua.

My last question was actually meant as a curious ‘What if you somehow had to choose between the two, with no middle ground?’ -type.

I definitely need to work on my communication skills. :mrgreen: Waiting for my own credit card.

Your articles are really helpful. 😎 One more suggestion: how to be mysterious 😎 .


joshua you are wonderfull,what you are doing is unique and you are doing it with a sence of love.please keep it up because it is crucial to human purpose on earth may God bless you. Thanks


Dear Joshua

You are truly the Tower of Power,giving power to all of us weaklings.Keep up the good work.Kudos


Hi, this is Akech, i enjoyed reading the charm article, i needed it. Thanks for being there for people like me.


Interesting blog man, I liked the empathy tip, as empathy plus good listening skills = leadership or persuasion. Which is of course linked to charm (getting what you want in a ‘nice’ way!).

You missed one tip out though man, and its to do with the outer self- accessorize!! It sounds glib but if you observe charismatic people throughout history they often carry objects, wear something unusual, have a certain style- its core being defined identity. Examples of this are Winston Churchill (cigar, tommy gun) and Salvador Dali (Moustache). Think about it, if you wear an unusual hat for instance, people will always recognize you for it. Its a charismatic symbol and an expression of a unique identity.


🙂 Hi Joshua am very grateful for your help. I really don’t know where and how i would be without you. Be blessed.


what is the best way to get over the fear of asking a lady out ? fear of rejection is probably the most common fear. please comment John


And a few more:

What to do when someone seems reluctant or disinterested to speak with you

Mindsets and attitudes that help you in social interactions and life

How to avoid seeming unremarkable and get noticed in a good way

How to be memorable to people and avoid being forgotten


It’s hard to give that all teeth smile because I am self conscience about my gap. My best friend has one too, it’s bigger than mine, and even so she still looks beautiful when she smiles that way, but I still find myself too shy to expose it. I don’t know how I can be so self-conscience of mine and yet find hers to be appealing. How do you help yourself really see past it without staring in the mirror for an hour trying to convince yourself you look fine with it?

Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"

I’m certain someone finds you’re smile cute 🙂 . Here’s a quote from my Big Talk Training Course that’ll answer questions of self-consciousness and body language:

Matt Furey, known as “Zen Master of the Internet”, in the 1980s was smashed across the face with a glass beer pitcher swung by a drunk. Blood poured from his face like a fire hose. After emergency surgery at a University Hospital in Iowa City, Matt asked a doctor, “Could you tell me how I look?” The doctor replied, “Your face looks like a jigsaw puzzle.”

30 years later, Matt is left with facial scars, but he does not let his “abnormality” influence life. A woman one day after much discussion with Matt was finally drawn to his scars when he commented about the incident. He gave no attention to what he wanted people to overlook.

If you have a scar or birth mark on your face or deformed limb, do not hide the abnormality with your hands. When you attempt to cover up an abnormality by shifting your body language, you draw attention to it. Few people will care about an abnormality if you do not care. “Be who you are and say what you feel,” wrote Dr. Seuss, “because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

You really should get the course for a complete guide into socializing, talking, and making friends with men and women.


I really like socializing and try to get along well at this point despite my limited knowledge. It’s just really annoying, when I try to start a conversation by making a statement with various hooks and they only answer: ‘Yeah’, ‘Yes’ or some other short answer that leads to a wall. It’s annoying as hell.


Hi Joshua, what is the best way to steal a girlfriend away from a jerk? Lets say the girl flirts but has a boyfriend.


joshua, you are simply the BOMB! keep it real man

mohammed hassan

how awesome are you i think that you enjoy your life i hope to be like you


This was actually very good and helpful. I took notes.

Celestine Chua

Hi Joshua, I really like your point about how arrogance is not charm. I think a misconception about being charming is that it’s about learning to draw attention to oneself. I feel that true charm is someone who does not try to do that, but instead attracts attention simply by being genuine, authentic, and caring to others.

One theme I noticed from your recommendations is the role of being driven, passionate, and ambitious in being charming. I definitely agree with you on that one. I think when someone pursues his/her own goals in life, it makes for a very charming personality. It’s related to how one is more inspirational than another – because the person is full of energy, zest, and passion in living his/her own life, which then makes him/her endearing to others. (I also have a post on how to be charming on my site sharing these same views as well, in case anyone is interested to check it out.)

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