What Women Want in Men
I cannot speak for all women nor can a woman speak for every woman, but there are physical looks, personality traits, and general characteristics the majority of women want in a man. While most articles focus on what women want in either one of short-term relationships, friends, physical traits, marriage, or attraction, this article will provide you with a clear guide, once and for all, of what women want in all these areas.
For men, this means you’ll be able to cultivate what the article discusses into your life so you can attract and maintain happy friendships and intimate relationships with women. If you are already in a relationship, this is what your woman wish you already knew. Anytime you can get a woman or anyone feeling what you want to them to feel, whether it be over the phone, in a business deal, or placing an order at a restaurant, you will get more out of the situation – not necessarily at the expense of the other person.
For women, it could mean many things. You will gain a clearer understanding of what drives you as a woman in your relationships, why past relationships have failed, and even how to select a real, authentic man that is Mr Right.
The Triad of Dilemmas
I’ve read dozens of books, subscribed to attraction newsletters, talked to attraction experts, talked to women about what they want in a man, tested techniques, and have observed many scenarios comparing and contrasting variables men display in their interaction with women to create a set of complete, holistic characteristics women want in men, which I will share with you in this article. In my search, I came across my first dilemma: experts gave contradictory advice – more so in the diverse stages of a relationship.
At the start of a relationship, dating experts attempt to describe what women want. There are pick-up artists and attraction experts that tell men to neg (a gentle, teasing insult), take advantage of a woman’s insecurities, and advance the relationship as fast as possible. Such people praise themselves as pioneers in defining what women want, but in reality nearly all of them cannot keep a long-term relationship. They excuse themselves as having the power to be selective, instead of dating and keeping any woman that comes their way, though their denial is a facade for deficiencies in their personality.
At the later stages of relationships are marriage experts, psychologists, romanticists, and communication trainers that teach men to listen to women. According to such experts, women want to be heard, understood, and made to feel special. These teachers do not tell you the skills and personality characteristics that create animalistic urges in women because the principles are counter-intuitive to “good relationship communication”. Pick-up artists and other advisers that teach men how to succeed in dating, bash marriage trainers and the like over their teachings because the dating coaches feel long-term relationship advisers transform men into sensitive, new age, wuss-bag, girly men – and I agree to an extent.
Most men that learn communication skills from me fall the trap of applying interpersonal relationship advice at the start of a relationship. It is not so much what they do as it is how they do it. The men become needy, have low self-esteem, and fail to communicate strength. Women don’t want to feel understood, listened to, worried about, and comforted at the early stages of a relationship – such “nice boy” characteristics send them running. Women want to feel indescribable urges that arise from bad boy qualities.
Culture and society creates the second dilemma: society infuses disempowering beliefs and limiting norms into men. I don’t blame guys for their limiting beliefs about what women want – but I do blame them for holding onto them when the truth is revealed. We are lead to believe women only want tall, handsome, wealthy men. Such advice drives men to feel insecure about themselves, which validates their initial belief. They may get rejected on an approach, dumped by a girlfriend, or divorced from a long-term relationship, and reason through their perceptual filters that their shortness, ugly looks, or poor wealth did it to them.
If most experts and society don’t know what women want, surely women know? What better way to get the answer, then from the source itself, right? No. Most women don’t even know what they want – and therein lies the third and last dilemma.
Women preach to guys the characteristics they feel attracted to. They reason, “I’m a woman so I know what I and other women want.” This causes confusion.
Malcolm Gladwell in Blink says attraction is one topic of many when our rapid judgments and feelings are unconsciously processed. When our conscious, analytical mind enters the fray, errors occur. Gladwell says we label what we think attracts us to what really attracts us. Few people are aware of what lurks beneath the conscious mind. We succumb to personal qualities that leave us feeling out of control and bewildered.
If these three sources of information create dilemmas in defining what women want in men, what is the source of truth? What I’m going to teach will probably shock you, but put your preconceived notions about this entire topic aside so you can learn. “Empty your cup” as Bruce Lee would say.
Women are Mixed Up
Women say one thing and mean another thing. A woman says she wants you to spend more time with her, but according to David Deida, author of The Way of The Superior Man, if you give her that in certain circumstances, your compliance disappoints her. If a woman sees she can upset you by calling you ugly, she will weed you out of being a potential mate – not because of your looks, but because your weak self-esteem let her easily destroy you. The surface is not a description of the depths.
When women say what they want, it isn’t really what they want – it’s an attempt to rationalize something abstract to them. Attraction is a confusing subject to intellectually understand and experience. Often guys and women cannot explain why they are attracted to someone because attraction isn’t a logical decision (“I keep dating the wrong type of person”). Attraction isn’t decided and it certainly isn’t a choice.
Women are strange – though you probably already knew that. Women say they want nice guys, so men be nice, but a woman does not make the logical decision to be with a guy because he is nice to her with compliments, presents, and gifts. Both genders make emotional decisions on their relationships. If a man compliments a lady, gives her gifts, buys her flowers, and earns her affection, the techniques may work for a while, but he is just being used. Such behaviors are fake, manipulative, needy, and undesirable.
Another confusing characteristic men adapt that women say they want is humor, one of the most universally attractive qualities women want in men. Being funny, however, is not the whole story. A good sense of humor isn’t what they entirely want. Women aren’t crawling over comedians. What they want is a guy who is cocky, has a sense of humor, can tease, and doesn’t constantly degrade himself. Unstoppable confidence combined with humor attracts nearly every woman – even the psychotic type so be careful. (Here’s a good guide on humor to attract women.)
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Update: What are your favorite songs to hype you up for pumping iron? For me, anything by King Tiesto.
Very good article Josh. I wish men could take up your advice! Indeed women also need to consider these issues. Most women tend to be driven by material needs and demands.Well, love attraction has a complexion of psychological games which need more explaination to complement this article.
Thank you Josh, I will personally take this serously.
this was a great article, thanx Josh it was a great learning process though brief for me. It left me yearninig for more but I guess that is Joshua’a style of keeping us waiting for the next issue and the next and the next
Thanx Josh
Thanku Josh. U are really a resource person.
I have learnt a lot from this presentation.Hope it will help me to keep the candle burning if I happen to get a partner.
Thank u so much.
Interesting reading… I am in an interesting position of the younger man older woman relationship. I agree with the article about what women want, and yes it would be great if the men could get the balance right. Women call men Jerks when they have been totally selfish and have not given the woman pleasure first. The other thing that men need to be aware of is it can sometimes take a woman years to be honest with herself about getting her wants met and knowing how to ask for them in an honest way. There are lessons in life to learn and once you have learned them I believe you are ready for open and honest love in a committed relationship. So guys and girls, stay away from manipulation. Be caring and honest, and Passion will be yours. B
I am convinced it is THE way to attract a woman to be ALPHA. So whatever response this may generate, do realize I almost fully agree with this article.
Basically I am asking for more appreciation of non-alpha qualities and the way ALPHA-ness can be less valuable in other situations than picking up women. OK this is a VERY long bit but I have read a lot about this material and certain things bother me so I decided to write them down.
1. Other qualities a man should have
You will have to admit that not everyone is a born leader or extravert and will never be such a person completely. Being a leader or extravert is simply something that cannot be learned because it’s so much related to personality. These things are the hardest things to change.
It seems the theory is a bit too harsh towards introverts (such as me) as if they never will get a woman. I believe with a mixture of alpha and other qualities you can get there as well. It is of course important that we come out of our shells, not afraid to speak up and no longer taking ANY ***t from girls, making the first move. Personality is important because women can spot it very quickly, which is why Mystery Method and other ALPHA-related pickup techniques are so successful.
But you can have other things going for you, some of them not even ALPHA: intelligent, successful, good looking, a good listener (not ALPHA), a good mediator (not ALPHA), empathic (not ALPHA), good with children (not ALPHA), very honest (not very ALPHA, he’s the bad boy remember?). The only problem with non-ALPHA qualities is that they are less visible while ALPHA qualities become obvious very quickly. It’s that annoying pop song that get’s played 1000 times a day on the radio that is more likely to become a hit than the much more brilliant but obscure single of that Indie singer-songwriter. So while women could get a much better man, they will settle for the ALPHA male, no matter how much of an asshole he is. Nice, good guys finish last.
2. Long term Relationships and the expiration date of ALPHA-ness
To MAINTAIN a good relationship seems an entirely different ballgame. Women are very picky and choose the best guy for everything. First, the guy with the best sperm, the alpha male. Then, the guy who is the most able to take care of her children (definitely not an alpha, she is now looking for non-alpha qualities). She may will still want romance and sex although children can interfere with that. She might want a 3rd guy for that (because the typical alpha male is a bad boy and will probably be screwing around too, plus being in love wears off).
Pure biology (from Desmond Morris) but it doesn’t sound like a recipe for happiness to me. Ask every woman who has had a relationship with a celebrity/rock star/president etc. Sure they were attractive men, but did they make their women happier? Some women may actually wise up, go against their nature and appreciate non-ALPHAS more. One of the things that I noticed about famous pick up artists such as Mystery, who could pick up 10 women a night, actually how incredibly LONG it took him to finally find the woman of his dreams (IF she still is…).
It will be also become a major problem for a guy, that has learned the alpha way to seduce women, that she eventually will find out his alpha-ness was only there to seduce her and no longer necessary to maintain the relationship. I know you will say “internalize ALPHA-ness so it’s not fake” but it will cost a lot of energy to keep doing so, that energy will run out sooner or later once the relationship is established.
3. A more relaxed look on improving your personality
Rather than being the best ALPHA male it seems to me it’s better to figure out how to be the best YOU, as the unique, strong, confident person everyone can be (Without necessarily having to dominate every crowd). Psychologists such as Marti Laney have written books to help introverted people thrive without having to become all extraverted. Like Shakespeare said, “To Thine Own Self Be True”.
There just seems to be too much emphasis now on “be ALPHA this, be ALPHA that”. Is that the right kind of pressure to put on young men that already suffer from a lot of peer pressure?
4. Biology does not always rule
Both women and men are by nature attracted to questionable or temporal characteristics that don’t truly matter in the long term: dominant behavior and tits and ass respectively. That doesn’t stop all of them from having a brain and resisting to anything nature urges them to do. Do also realize that not every girl is a total knock-out so they’re not all in the luxury position of choosing an ALPHA male of their best liking. Notice dating sites such as Geek2Geek that help geek girls finding geek boyfriends. Not very alpha is it? If any ALPHA male would place an ad there he would be telegraphing he’s not really an ALPHA (otherwise what’s he doing there?). And the girls there don’t look for that type of guy. Actually some girls are a model that want a smart man instead of a leader (I’m sorry I don’t think most of them are very smart, just read an average book about history or politics).
I have done most of what you say is right things to do to attract a woman and yet I have never had a girlfriend and still a virgin, so I think it is about looks, height and looks. I have been told that women only want tall, fit, good looking and financially secure men, also that women go for tall men because the taller the bigger the family jewels. Which is total BS and probably a femi-nazi bs rumor.
I think of suicide at least twice a fortnight and depressed a lot of the time due to what I call the Shallow Womens Syndrome, getting sick of the loneliness. I do not show any negative emotions to women and always am happy go lucky and nice with them yet no Girlfriend, I would estimate I have asked out over 280 women since age of 14 now 34 soon to be 35, and vast majority like to mock when rejecting and comment on me being ugly. I sometimes think what is life without love and its NOTHING. Love and faith is all that matters in life and faith can’t keep you alive for long. I have tried everything available to men to find a woman and nothing! HELP!!!
Jaime,
There is one thing that I notice about your view on life that so obviously reveals your AFC-ness: that you think you NEED a ****ing woman to be happy. That means you do not have enough value of your own and that is not the situation you want to maintain. Who says women always make you happier? Plenty of guys have only been miserable. Because of your attitude alone you will come off as too needy and insecure. If you cannot be happy on your own, a woman will NEVER, EVER be able to make you happy. Work on the foundation (yourself) first, get a nice job that you like, develop interests and hobbies that you can be passionate about. If you have become that cool guy, any woman that says no to you is a fool. Do you want to marry a fool or an intelligent woman? Stop being needy and only approach women that are worthy. Even if you don’t find that woman, you can still be happy because you have made a life for yourself that is fulfilling.
Some kudos already are in place, I admire you for having approached so many women, I should learn from that, get out more and talk to more women. I do have reasonably good looks but my introverted personality has gotten in my way too much. You see every guy has some problems, nothing to worry about because most of them can be overcome.
Good comments Dolittle. Every guy should read them.
Jaime, I admire your courage. Nearly any guy would not have done what you’ve accomplished, let a lone be still searching for answers. It’s time to learn and change.
I too believe life without love is nothing. Your not searching for love, however, you’re searching for validation. Your searching for a reason to live. You cannot be loved when you’re so desperate for acceptance by women. You seem to think that a woman will give you the life you want. While that alone scares away a woman, you’ll destroy any relationship you have when you go in needing love and acceptance. Women don’t fulfill your life.
Look elsewhere for love and fulfillment. Love your family, friends, build a career, get healthy, help people. Doing those things will magnetize women to you because you’ll lift them up instead of dragging them down through neediness. Push on mate.
I agree with it all, because I am who you described. The fact is that it is not flawless and you have to know when to be funny and not to be. I was an alpha male but I knew when to back off and ask for her input on where she wanted to go.
My girl broke up with me last week and it was on emotion and now I met someone else and it turned out to be good for me. What pisses me off is when women have the total package they always think that there is something better no matter what. I know you women are saying no I love my man or my husband but the truth is my friends or I have ###### many of you that say they are so in love and would never cheat. Guys, woman are gullible creatures who buy into what everyone else thinks and do not listen to there emotions. I have not – and will not – ever see a woman put into a certain situation and around the right guy and won’t take advantage.