Whether you’re the girl at the bar yelling to her friends “Oh my I have to pee SO BAD!” or the guy whose voice cracks over his first words, it’s hard to erase a first impression from someone’s brain. As said in my Big Talk course, however, where there’s a whole chapter on making a great first impression, “A first impression isn’t a last impression; it’s an influential impression.”

A good impression at first sight is what I call “the lazy man’s way to make people like you”. Princeton University research shows our snap judgments remain consistent over time. If someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. The study did find one thing changes as the conversation continues: a person’s confidence in the accuracy of their first impression.

Call it bias or unfairness. I call it human psychology. Work with it if you want to be seen as awesome. Here are 40 tips that will help you make a great first impression.

1. Know the importance of body language. Before you open your mouth, people judge a lot about you by the way you walk, hold yourself, and move. These types of nonverbal communication are detected before you mutter a word. It’s a myth nonverbal communication gives 93% of all communication, but body language holds a lot of weight in a first impression.

Knowing the value of body language and unspoken social dynamics in a good first impression encourages you to focus on it. You’ll be more concerned with smiling, speaking louder and clearer, and appearing calm, which will impress others more than a great conversation starter.

2. Open your body language. Open body language invites and impresses while closed body language shows ignorance and insolence. Here’s a snippet of a table from the Big Talk course explaining the difference between the two types of body language:

Imagine two people. You’re one of them. The weirdo has all the traits of closed body language while you or me – each an amazingly cool person – has all the traits of open body language. You get the vibe the other person is a creep while we’re charming.

3. Social proof yourself. Social proof is a principle of social psychology that says we look to others during obscure social situations to determine how we should behave. There are hundreds of unknown people in public social events so we observe how people treat each other to measure how we should treat someone.

If you see everyone looking towards a guy, you’ll look towards him to calculate what’s going on. If a guy seated alone for an hour approaches you for conversation, you’ll dislike him before he opens his mouth. You’ll look for information to validate why he is alone and unpopular.

Everyone knows you can manipulate your words and tell a verbal lie, but we believe what we see so use social proof to make a good first impression. Make friends before you enter a venue. Be seen chatting with the bouncer or waiter or a group of friends you just met. If every time someone spots you laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible with cool body language or witty first words.

4. Put yourself at ease. Did you know if you’re tense talking with someone, the mirror neurons in another person’s brain forces them to become tense? Their body literally duplicates your tension. The strain or message that relates to it, like you’re an uptight angry jerk, is then stored in the person’s hippocampus, the memory center of the brain. Not a good way to make friends.

If you’re like most ToP readers, your body is tense right now. Heck, even I just realized I’m tense writing about tension! To see your tension and remove it, relax your forehead. Loosen your jaw. Let your face droop downwards as the tension dissipates. You can tighten a muscle for three seconds then release it to enter relaxation. Do this throughout your body whenever you think of it. Tension is unconscious, but relaxation conscious.

5. Get into shape. Light travels faster than sound, so your physical appearance is noticed before your voice or introductory comment is heard. Looks aren’t everything, but they’re important and quickly noticed.

Get your physical game together whatever that maybe. Exercise to stay in shape. Drop that greasy packet of chips in the bin. Everyone notices a guy with biceps bulging out of his sleeves or a woman with a tremendous curvy figure. We’re impressed by people with good physiques.

6. Dress stylish within the decade. I understand if your bright green neon stilettos appear “timeless” to you. However, nobody else does. When in doubt, wear black or gray. These colors are timeless and even if a dress or tie was purchased 10 years ago, it’ll come across as stylish because it’s not a shocking, bright, or ridiculous color.

Dress nice and stylish, but comfortable. You want to look your best, yet many times we tend to think dressing sharp, stylish, and sexy is more important than being comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and constantly tugging or pulling at your shirt or dress, you’ll feel distracted and probably self-conscious. Don’t compromise comfort for style. Feel good in what you’re wearing.

This is no fashion school, yet I must say one last thing on this topic. Not only is it important to dress for comfort, it’s important to dress for your body type as well. Ladies, don’t squeeze into a revealing, slinky dress because you hear it’s the latest style, even though your chest is popping out and you can see your underwear lines through it. Men, don’t wear a fitted Slipknot t-shirt if your gut sticks out beneath it. You need tip number five if that’s the case!

7. Think positive before going in. Imagine the positive mark you’ll make on people instead of visualizing how that attractive lady will laugh at you when you approach her asking, “Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?” (I wouldn’t blame you if you’re thinking negatively using that pick-up line). See the interaction going incredibly awesome. Believe the person you’re about to talk to is friendly. You’ll go in looking like a happier, more impressionable person.

If you’re a pessimist so you never get disappointed, read my review of Mind-Lines, a great book on reframing to think in healthy ways. The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

8. Get into a positive state. Make people’s mirror neurons work for your benefit. Put yourself into a positive state so a person’s brain makes them emotionally high in your presence.

I believe it’s unhealthy to always seek happiness and “positive emotions” because you block yourself from authenticity and a full experience of life, but there are lessons in Big Talk you can follow to boost your mood and impress people:

1. Firstly, know that energy is a choice. You can make yourself feel good at will.
2. You may get in a good mood by psyching yourself up or down. Figure out what works for you.
3. Talk with anyone or anything. If you feel great and can have a smooth conversation with your cat, I like your odds at impressing people in a conversation.
4. Take a practice dive socializing. Dive in and allow yourself to belly flop. E-motion is energy in emotion. To feel alive, action is necessary.

9. Be present. The distinguishing factor between anxious, lonely persons and those with charisma is their energetic focus. Loners are drawn into themselves. They think about past mistakes or anticipate how others may respond. I use to think of how I froze up in past conversations or I’d think about what others would think if I said something. Yeah, it’s messy.

People know when you’re not fully in the moment and are repulsed by it. Children hate when a parent pretends to listen when all they’re doing is hearing.

Just before you approach someone or at anytime during a conversation, take your mind out of the past or future and focus on the now. The best way I’ve found to do this is by taking deep and slow belly-breathes for 30 seconds. You can also observe a person’s body language. These techniques will make you more present and people will be impressed.

10. Impress the right person. Would you leave your hand print on a rock or in clay? Some people are easier to impress than others while some are worth impressing more than others.

If you have a hard-time impressing people, start picking low hanging fruit. Talk to the person alone or listen to the person looking sad. The social proof and emotional momentum will help you impress those higher up the tree.

11. Approach people from a 45 degree angle. It’s alarming to have someone approach you head on. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything aggressively nearing us. Having said that, don’t sneak up on someone like they’re your best friend. It’s not cute. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything that tried to surprise us from behind (okay, maybe your ancestors didn’t give you my schizophrenic genes, but you get the point.)

What’s the right way to walk up to people? Approach from a 45 degree angle. You can keep your geometry set in your school bag. Just use the principle as a reminder that we’re comfortable being approached by strangers at a visible indirect angle.

12. Make eye contact. The eyes give your interactions emotional meaning. If you look at any object or person as if you had ADHD, you’ll appear anxious or disinterested. Certainly you’ve heard this a million times, but giving someone a good look in the eyes right as you meet them shows you’re interested in them. Your pupils dilate and they instinctively catch on, causing automatic attraction.

13. Cast an illuminating smile. A cold turkey smile switches on in an instant. An illuminating smile turns on gradually. Make eye contact with someone then go from a blank face to a full warm smile in two seconds. Read my article “How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word” for more help with this technique and a couple of extra tricks to impress people through your body language.

14. Don’t stare and smile like a hungry wolf. Or a hungry vampire. Eye contact is one thing, looking like someone staring at their bait is another.

Temporarily break eye contact by shifting your eyes downwards for two seconds. It’s a sign of friendliness and safety probably experienced by cave men who killed beasts that glared in their eyes (again, that’s probably my schizophrenic genes). Sharing your eye contact with the floor makes you safe and likable in the eyes of those you chat with giving them a good impression of you.

15. Remember your acquaintances name and use it. You don’t have to use their name after each sentence you say to them, but a “nice to meet you, Sarah” or “Me too Bob, I totally get that” shows you’re interested in speaking to them and are having more than just an empty conversation. If you have the memory of a goldfish, check out a post of mine for social skills resources to help remember names.

16. Shake hands well. There’s more to a handshake than a firm one. Lean forward at the hips to show interest. Ensure your hand and theirs go web-to-web. Yes, grip firmly. A strong, firm handshake shows confidence in anyone. Same for you, ladies. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to stick out your fingers like a delicate tulip. My last tip for a good handshake is to give two up-and-down shakes. Do these and you may just impress people with your hand skills.

17. It’s the way you say it. I’ve mentioned body language for a good impression, but the voice is another part of nonverbal communication that can impress people. A squelching voice will leave your listeners with plugs in their ears while a soothing, clear voice will have people hang on to your every word.

There’s many diverse problems in vocalics from talking too loud, fast, soft, raspy, high, indecisively, breathy, and the list goes on. To cure all these problems and improve your voice, I recommend you learn from Carol Fleming, creator of The Sound of Your Voice audio program, and her new book It’s the Way You Say It. Her book is the best resource I’ve come across to improve your voice and nonverbal communication.

18. Make the conversation about others. We think we need to impress others by drawing attention to ourselves. The opposite is true. I once saw a man wearing a shirt that said, “Oh yea, that reminds me of something that allows me to talk about myself.” For many people, this couldn’t be more true. The last person you want to be is the one who starts telling a story about themselves as soon as they hear someone mention something related. You’ll make friends easily when the conversation is on their passions, their problems, their perceptions.

19. Show interest in what they have to say. If someone talks about the awesome day they had or the recent achievement they accomplished at work, it’s worth the recognition and respect that comes along with you intently listening. Did he land a new job? Shut up about your 10 million dollar deal and be happy for him. Lean forward, ask questions, have your mouth slightly open, and be in awe.

20. Talk about yourself. Yeah, that will impress people when done right. You see, fans of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People are so adamant on making the conversation about others and being interested in people. This makes a good impression on people – without it, you’re sure to be the person everyone wishes would be gagged for silence. However, if you really want to impress a guy or girl and make them into a friend, you need to talk about yourself.

We feel close to those we understand. Without that understanding of someone’s identity, we have our shields up. If someone talks about their hot air balloon experience, ask them questions, listen to them gas, then share how you’ve never done it before and would love to do it. They may just invite you to fly away some day after you impress them.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Top 15 Dumb Mistakes People Make in Relationships
2. Ways to Resolve Conflict When Others Avoid It
3. 10 Almost Guaranteed Ways to Fail in Life
4. How to Be Charming to Men and Women
5. 14 Social Skills Resources for an Amazing Social Life

Over the past year I’ve collected some great resources on social skills I’d like to share with you now. Some are from friends of mine, myself, and just others who’ve given good insight into a topic.

From improving your social skills, overcoming anxiety, and starting a conversation, all the way to ongoing conversation, being charismatic, and making people laugh, here are some great resources I recommend you read even if they take you a while to get through (each of these great resources will open in a new window so you keep track of this page):

1. How to Improve Your Social Skills: 8 Tips from the Last 2500 Years

Henrik Edberg has some good social skills insight to share. A lot of what he discusses builds on from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Read some of his other posts on communication and socializing if you have the time.

2. 25 Ways to Relieve Anxiety

I mostly teach people how to deal with their past, rework their mind, and get into the present to overcome social anxiety, but this post has some good alternatives to deal with anxiety disorders. Read it if you’re shy and struggle talking to strangers. It’s unlikely to cure your social anxiety though it will help make you more comfortable in social situations.

3. 101 Conversation Starters People Love

A goldmine from none other than yours truly. You get everything needed to start a conversation with anyone.

4. 40 Ways to Make a Good First Impression

According to research, if someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. In this killer article of mine, you’re given 40 tips on body language, conversation techniques, and mind strategies to quickly and permanently impress people.

5. 7 Hacks to Remember Any Name

End the embarrassment of forgetting someone’s name by using seven neat mind-tricks. Charismatic persons like Richard Branson are masters at remembering people’s names. You may not become a billionaire by knowing John is John, yet people will feel special, you won’t feel awkward, and your relationships will be richer.

6. 3 Quick Ways to Never Let Your Conversation Run Out

There’s a lot of garbage advice out there on how to keep a conversation going. Most people just don’t know what they do to continually talk to anyone. You’ll want to read this short article by a guy called Schmidty to help you keep talking to people.

7. 10 Tips: How to Be Funny

Onto some cool skills now that make you a better socializer. Even if you’re a serious type of person, you can lighten and learn how to be funny. Your ability to make people laugh will win you many friends, business deals, and glances from the opposite sex that make you glee in delight.

8. 50 Body Language Secrets You Need to Succeed In Life

Though the start of the article mentions a major communication myth, you get 50 great little tricks to improve your often overlooked nonverbal communication. You can say all the right things when socializing, yet ignore your nonverbal communication and you may look like a weirdo. Get your body language down pat to be cool.

9. 10 Ways to Instant Charisma

You’ll notice this post on charisma summarizes points in other resources mentioned here. Read it if you want to become more likable and win the respect of people you don’t yet know.

10. Tips on Effective Listening

Listening is another topic of many where many “self-help experts” give ordinary advice like “maintain eye contact” and “repeat the person’s words”. There’s more to socializing, rapport, and friendship than the surface aspects of communication. Written by a therapist, this article on effective listening will have you more deeply connecting to people. Listening most times is at least 50% of a conversation so make sure you master this skill if you want to be popular and make cool friends.

11. Presence in Relationships

You might be surprised to see something about presence here. Someone “present” is in the Now. They are fully absorbed in the present moment. Presence is a secret skill in Big Talk. When you’re present in conversations, you’re free from anxiety and you deeply connect to people. You get the feeling of being in the zone as time and worry banishes.

12. How to Make Friends and Get a Social Life

Author Chris use to be a shy, awkward loser. I can call him that because I used to be as well and I’m linking to his article! If you’re not good at making friends and have a social life of stalking others on Facebook, you’ll get a lot of practical tips and theories in this useful resource.

13. How to Network with Busy People

This 12-part series written by Steve Pavlina, a leading self-help blogger, shows how to get in contact and build relationships with hard to reach people so you dominate life. Should you become a successful networker, life becomes easy because you have resourceful and trustworthy connections.

14. Your suggestion

Have something amazing to share with other readers? Contact me or comment below. If I feel it’s a one-of-a-kind helpful resource, it may appear in this list!

I hope you enjoyed these social skills resources. Make sure you follow me on Twitter and like Tower of Power on Facebook for more great resources, books, and lessons to build friends and influence people.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom
2. Teaching Your Child Listening Skills
3. Review of Elite Social Control by Hamilton Miller
4. Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills – and What to Do About It
5. 10 Almost Guaranteed Ways to Fail in Life

I shook my head as I sat on my computer at home, sipping a coffee. I felt sorry for him, but he didn’t need work – he needed a radical shift in reality with a series of self-probing questions, tips, skills, and advice to nail his desired job.

Whether you’re going for a retail, nursing, accounting, teacher, or government interview full-time or part-time over the phone, online, or in person, the following advice will help you ace any interview to get the job of your dreams.

Unemployment and Job-Misery Begins Before Interview Preparation

I could catapult many job interview tips at you because I’m a conversation skills coach and company owner, but I won’t because that’s not what you need. What will help you the most in getting the job you want is looking at how you approach job hunting and your interviews.

If you go into an interview wanting the job to solve your money worries – to help your life – you won’t get the job. Few employers hire out of pity. They suffer from their own problems and want to pay you to alleviate these dilemmas.

The guy at the start of this article who wanted a job didn’t care about me. He didn’t want to add value to my customers. He didn’t think about how he can increase my sales. He didn’t care about broken website code, business partnerships to be made, or traffic to be attracted. He didn’t want to relive my itches. He was focused on himself.

Most self-absorbed communication harms you. You don’t make friends by bragging about yourself, listing your accomplishments, and ignoring another’s needs. Job seekers, unfortunately, do exactly this at interviews. Narcissistic-like individuals talk about themselves, their skills, their past, and why they want the job.

The first and most important leap to take to nail the job interview you want or move ahead in your career is to solve the employer’s problems. Talk about your skills, past, and why you want the job by relating it to the employer’s wants and needs. Without that relation, your abilities are open to misinterpretation and ignorance. Forget your needs for the moment – once you provide value to others, they become determined to reciprocate your efforts and keep you.

Empathize with the interviewer by placing yourself in his or her shoes. Constantly ask yourself, “What is their need at the moment?” If you can answer this question in any communication, you’re in the top five percent of communicators in the world.

No one cares about your bachelor degree or your intelligence. It’s what your degree or intelligence does that gets you hired.

I speak for many companies by saying that what’s on paper gets you hired, but what happens between you and people gets you fired. Poor human resource managers deny or accept a job candidate merely on experiences and qualities (what’s seen on a resume), while great HR managers go beyond shallow resumes and cognitive tests and really see if the candidate is a determined winner. I recommend you get Topgrading, which was written for company owners, because it helps craft you into an A-player companies want.

Good Communication, Great Person

In a fierce economy, today is more important than ever to master your communication skills. We will always need to talk, listen, and connect with one another.

Start developing your communication right now in everyday life. How you socialize shows in how you interact with customers and coworkers. I have a saying, “How you do something is how you do anything.”

Skills you think take time to see are apparent to good interviewers. Seemingly minor signals of unconscious skill show in your body language. If you’re not immediately friendly to strangers in everyday life, you won’t immediately befriend the interviewer who will then project that feeling into the future and assume you cannot quickly befriend customers.

The most attractive employees are good communicators and good communicators develop themselves in their own time. This is something I’ve never heard anywhere else that I believe makes or breaks critical moments in a career. Attractive skills, such as your honesty in being unable to answer a question or your calmness when someone is agitated, must be developed outside of the workplace. Unemployment and job-misery begins before the interview.

Little-Known Conversation Techniques to Seduce the Interviewer and Get the Job

All principles of good conversation apply to the interview (from the introduction, small talk, humor, self-disclosure, interest, and open body language). Any time you feel lost or confused, think what an enjoyable conversation entails. After all, interviews are a conversation between the candidate and interviewer.

Start by standing and introducing yourself to the interviewer instead of waiting for an introduction. Lean forward to give a solid, slow web-to-web handshake.

Next, initiate conversation. Talk about the person’s lovely office, a plant, or photo. Drop a comment about a worker you spotted or a sign you read on your way in. The conversation builds rapport and relaxes each of you – the interviewer can be nervous as well! My Big Talk course offers a complete training on how to effortlessly talk and make friends with strangers.

Show interest in the business. Study its history before the interview. If it’s a smaller business and you’re being interviewed by its owner, be curious behind the owner’s motives for starting the business. The person will become animated and talk about the business’ foundations! He or she will walk away from your interview thinking you were a great person.

A good conversation skill that is also a way to show interest in the business is to ask questions during the interview. Walk into the interview with at least three solid questions planned, which gives you backup questions if the interviewer asks one or two before you.

Before I taught communication skills, I had a group interview for the position of a night-fill worker at a supermarket. The human resources manager running the interview talked for 10 minutes then asked, “Does anyone have any questions?” The room was silent. You could see the twinge in her lips that indicated her disappointment in our non-responsiveness.

Just before she was about to move on, I asked how she got into her managerial position because I wanted to understand to her and what it takes to be promoted. She smiled and talked for five minutes about the company’s internal way of promoting employees. I think I easily got the job because of my question and display of interest.

Good questions to ask in the interview include:

• “What happened to the previous person in this position?”
• “What results do you expect from the successful candidate’s first year?”
• “How does the company lead its teams? Like, are workers given independence to make their own decisions or is it highly determined by upper management?”
• “How would you describe the company’s culture?”
• “In your opinion, what’s the most important thing someone new to the company should know so they and the company benefit?”

There are three real subtle benefits of asking questions. Firstly, questions show curiosity and interest. Secondly, you look better than other interviewees. Most candidates are too busy talking about themselves, not curious or concerned about solving the company’s problems. Thirdly, you subtly qualify the company to match your own needs. A subtle seduction technique is to make the other party work for you. Humans value what they earn. Employers will value you more if you have job opportunities elsewhere and are a little picky over how they can fulfill your needs. How very counter-intuitive!

Once a question is answered or you learn an important point about the business, write a note for yourself even if you have good memory. The power in this technique comes from how it makes the other person feel. You’ll look well-prepared and trustworthy. It’s amazing how much your credibility increases by writing down what someone tells you.

How to Appear Confident in an Interview

Believe your words. If you don’t have confidence in yourself, others won’t have confidence in you.

One of the best ways to show others confidence is through your voice. Speak at a good volume with relaxation. A louder voice is physiological confidence that boosts your psychological confidence.

Bodily stress and tension wrecks havoc on your vocals when you try to be perfect. Shift your focus from yourself to how you fill the company’s needs like I mentioned before. You will relax, communicate confidence through your voice, and show attractive warmth.

Another technique taken from my Big Talk that I recommend to quickly boost your confidence in an interview is to think the interviewer is an old friend. You can try more absurd visualizations that reframes the person interviewing you into a strange situation. Imagine the person nervously being interviewed by another manager or lazily lounging in front of the television.

Similar to what I said before, however, the most effective way to have confidence in an interview is to work on it in every day. What goes inside the interview often reflects how you live.

Insider’s Secret to Be Comfortable and Get Hired

Go to the company beforehand and introduce yourself to a few employees saying you’re interested in working for the company. Ask the employees for their thoughts on the company, tips for the interview, recommended dress, and any insider secrets that could give you an edge. Use these people to see if the company is worth working for before you waste further time in the screening process.

Mention the names of the people you talked to in the interview. You’ll subliminally make the hiring manager feel you already work for the company!

Also compliment those you talked to. We love people who love people. How do you think the hiring manager will feel hearing about the great workforce?

When the interview ends, reward yourself regardless of the outcome. Interviews can be scary so it helps to appreciate yourself. Job interviews can be tough enough without self-criticism.

If your interview is a success and you get the job, tell the person offering the good news that you want 24 hours to think it over. The company will value you more. Anyway, you’ll probably need the time to evaluate other offers once you follow the advice in this article to ace any interview.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. 4 Reasons Advice and Other Solutions Kill Relationships
2. Just Be Yourself – Why It’s Bad Advice: Being Yourself is the Problem
3. On Achieving Goals – Part 2: How to Be Self-Motivated

There’s your first barrier that stops you from figuring out what men want in women when dating and in relationships. As long as you try to figure out men through your womanly experiences and understandings, you’ll forever remain confused.

Men differ from women. Before you give me a Nobel Prize for that remarkable statement, understand that women tend to operate from their limiting beliefs in dating and relationships. They apply their reality of chemistry and connection to a man’s reality, forgetting a male’s emotional psychology is completely different to their own.

If you cook, clean, and shop for a man in hope he likes you, you’ll be ineffective at triggering attraction and other important responses men want to feel around women. You wouldn’t feel attracted to a guy who only sat around watching football drinking beer so don’t become the female equivalent.

To figure out what men want in women, put aside your preconceived notions about dating and relationships then listen. Men will also benefit from reading this article because it helps you, if you’re a guy, better understand your desires so you can build better relationships and attract quality women.

Men Want Only Sex

Too many women believe the only thing a man wants in a woman is sex. Men want so much more. Remember what I said earlier about judging from your experiences and perspective?

A man may only desire sex from you because you focus on physical qualities. When your attractiveness depends on dressing sexy for him and sexual comments, you’re seen as a friend with benefits. You invoke a caveman response from him. This satisfies some women some of the time, but you might want more.

Many men (or should I say boys?) have yet to evolve on an emotional level. They seek only physical attraction because their emotions are blocked. They don’t know how to connect at an emotional level. Imagine putting on a pair of green glasses. It doesn’t matter what colors exist, everything is seen green. A person’s lack of emotional development blinds him from that level of awareness.

As confusing as it is to women who project their own qualities onto men, physical involvement is unequal to a relationship. A man can be physically involved with a woman and want nothing more. I believe this is what forms the belief that men only want sex. The problem with this belief is it overlooks other areas of attraction men want in women. Physical attraction is simply one part of an intimate relationship.

Nearly all men ultimately want a fulfilling relationship with one woman. A guy may not want this now or in the near future, but ultimately that is what he desires. If he says otherwise, he is usually emotionally immature or yet to meet a great woman.

The Secret is Attraction

Every man wants to feel significant, important, desired, and sexy. There’s a broad array of characteristics great men want in women that lead to one experience. The secret feeling a man wants to have around you is one of attraction.

You may think of attraction as “chemistry”. It’s the energetic charge between two people that evokes an animalistic urge. When you become what men want in women, men feel attracted to you.

Attraction can be temporary, but when you understand its principles and continually refine them (by re-reading this article and purchasing books on the subject), you make attraction long-term that leads to commitment and a satisfying relationship!

You probably know a few women who seem to effortlessly pull men towards them. They easily attract men through their looks or personality. These women understand attraction, even though they probably didn’t learn it from a source like this article.

Three Types of Attraction

Men can be attracted to you in three primary areas. We crave for all three in a partner.

As I mentioned earlier, there is physical attraction. Men are turned on more than women by visuals. It’s important to dress well, get your hair beautiful, be slightly tanned, show off your figure, and exercise.

Are you not that beautiful? You can still improve it by learning from other women. You may also have an advantage over attractive women!

Beautiful women tend to identify with their looks and become insecure. Feeling insecure about your looks is a bigger turn off than looks itself. Attractive women, in general, go through life easier than less attractive women so they have yet to develop the two other areas of attraction that lead to satisfying relationships

Guys tend to want women who are attractive, but lack personality, for the short-term. You cannot have a relationship with a body part. Looks is only one piece of the attraction puzzle.

The second type of attraction is intellectual. Intellectual attraction comes from more rational, logical means controllable through words and actions. Think of the bimbo blonde who has a peanut for her brain – that’s the opposite to an intellectually attractive woman. It’s a pain to live with someone unintelligent. An attractive man wants a woman who holds a conversation with almost anyone, talks about his interests, regularly reads books, and teaches him valuable lessons.

The third type of attraction is emotional. If a guy suddenly becomes disinterested in you, a lack of emotional attraction is the problem. A real relationship fails to develop in the absence of emotional attraction. Ways to attract men emotionally involve high status behavior, teasing, playfulness, mystery, and unpredictability.

Deficiency in an area of attraction decreases a man’s interest in you. Intensify all three forms of attraction to hypnotize any man.

Since you can go elsewhere for advice to improve your physical looks, what I’ll teach you in this article on what men want in women builds your intellectual and emotional attraction to start a great relationship and keep it that way. You are discovering the secrets men wish you knew that society will not tell you.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. What Women Want in Men
2. How to Be Charming to Men and Women
3. Review of Catch Him and Keep Him by Christian Carter

To survive and thrive in the workplace, at business, and around family you must know how to deal with people who prefer to negate “negative feelings”; overlook the reality of tension, disagreement, and resentment; and put a rosy-glow on everything. Conflict is unavoidable even to those who avoid it because our differences in culture, values, needs, and perspectives make us human.

If you or others aim for conflict avoidance, it isn’t avoided or somehow solved. Problems escalate, resentment builds, and relationships die. What gets avoided is a healthy workplace, a happy family, the true depths of human beings, and reality. You must therefore learn effective ways to resolve conflict when others prefer to pretend perfection.

Why We Fear Fights, Feuds, and Fall Outs

The primary reason we avoid conflict is it’s scary. Why? By definition conflict is opposition, incompatibility, struggle. Not very sexy.

Avoidance is just one way to deal with a scary situation. Conflict creates a stressful environment that invokes primal responses of freeze, fight, fright, and flight for survival. We freeze to go undetected, fight to kill, respond with fright to intensify awareness, and take flight to live another day. Most responses in these categories lead to destructive interactions.

Your past experiences with conflict are likely the most painful moments of your life. Maybe conflict made you divorce, break up with your partner, quit work. It may even have lead to death because someone couldn’t handle a problem any longer. Is it any wonder people avoid conflict? Our hatred towards conflict is strong and real!

Conflict is often destructive, other times disruptive. Projects at work get delayed when disputes exist. A group momentarily stops enjoying a party when friends fight. A family shuts each other out for the remainder of the night after a disagreement over dinner.

The Surprising Importance of Conflict Resolution

The purpose of conflict resolution isn’t to avoid it. Conflict resolution aims to solve problems to met the needs and interests of each party to stop destruction, minimize disruption, and enhance the relationship. With this in mind, you can frame conflict in an inviting manner unlike the fear and frustration we normally associate with conflict.

“Conflict can be seen as a gift of energy,” said conflict resolution trainer and Aikido teacher Thomas Crum, “in which neither side loses and a new dance is created.” It can be a gift you love to receive. My friend and conflict mediator Gary Harper even has a great book titled The Joy of Conflict Resolution.

When you take the step of courage to resolve conflict, you enter a moment to understand another human at a deep level. Self-understanding occurs, creativity is stimulated, and relationships deepen in the face of conflict resolution.

Conflict rarely solves itself so you must be proactive about its resolution. I wish there were a way to totally avoid conflict and still get the benefits of resolution, yet there’s no such route. You can get a human services degree and make significant money solving family conflict because it’s difficult process to handle. What you need are the following effective conflict management techniques that transform fear, fights, feuds, and fall outs into resolution when others (and sometimes yourself) avoid conflict:

1. Make it Known Problems Are Okay

Perfection shuts down workplace and family communication fast. In response, managers and parents want small talk tactics to open up communication, but that’s like trying to light up a dark sewer with a match stick.

A core part of my Big Talk Training Course helps you uncover what’s called the “shadow image” to truly open up group conversation. Once you know how to talk about the things people prefer to avoid, conversation effortlessly flows.

“Nice people” block out their dark side where the shadow image resides. They suffer with communication by not feeling anger, sadness, or fear. Resentment, frustration, and an inability to deal with conflict surfaces because they refuse to deal with what they block out. They literally avoid parts of themselves by avoiding conflict.

An effective technique to bring the shadow image into the light is to let others know mistakes, problems, disagreement, and expression are not “okay”, but needed. Mention differences, misunderstandings, and unmet needs will forever exist so it’s vital each of you talk about what you’re afraid to discuss. Tell them it’s normal to be in conflict, yet what’s rare is the healthy ability to face conflict.

You can say, “Problems, mistakes, and imperfections are good. We learn from them. They make us human. I need to know what you see and feel otherwise what affects you is ignored. Will you help each other with that?”

2. Encourage Open Communication

One way to encourage open communication is to make it known problems are okay. Other ways popular in the workplace, which can also be used with families and friends, are feedback channels.

A feedback channel I like is having a session each week or month where praise is shared and problems must be mentioned. Goals can be made where each coworker or family member must praise one thing and mention another subject that concerns him or her. Everyone is to share, listen, and avoid criticism to create a safe environment for expression.

Open communication is a good habit to practice. When an important issue rises, you are then prepared to face it and minimize conflict.

3. Observe Body Language

An effective technique to encourage open communication and face conflict when someone avoids it is to observe people’s body language. Emotions show through attitude, behavior, or expression. All three are nonverbally communicated.

Nonverbal communication doesn’t just hint at what’s going on inside a person, it is what’s going on inside a person. Even when a person avoids conflict, their emotions are visible through bodily expressions. If a guy doesn’t say what he feels (“I am angry”), you’ll see the emotion in more potentially harmful ways of attitude and behavior like sarcasm, avoidance, gossip, and forms of addiction.

Comment on the specific body language signals you pick up on. If you just say, “You look frustrated. Is there something you want to tell me?”, the nice conflict avoider will reply, “No”. Be specific by saying, “When I said I need you to work overtime, you turned your head then rolled your eyes. It seems you were bothered by my request. That’s okay. Share with me what’s on your mind.”

4. Lighten the Moment

Life can get too serious. Lighten conflict when appropriate and people can more openly face differences.

Humor is one-way to reduce tension. In fact, humor is often a release of tension. One company owner in a meeting observed the secretary verbally dominate the marketing director Jim over a tactic to acquire customers. The owner interrupted his secretary: “Okay. We could settle this in the boxing ring, but the board of directors will probably fire me for employee abuse… What do you think Jim, about the tactic to acquire customers?”

Another way to lighten conflict is with a tactic from the first chapter of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program: use padded words. The technique softens what can be harsh. Examples of padded words include: “I feel there’s a small issue to face…”, “It’s not much, but I’d like to…”, and “Maybe we can…”

Do not overuse padded words otherwise it blurs the issue and causes your message to lose its intended meaning. Be aware that softening up conflict can be another form of avoidance. Balance the two by keeping it light yet be sure to address the issue.

5. Provide Positive Reinforcement

Conflict is avoided because of negative reinforcement. Attempts to change are met with defensive behavior resulting in learned hopelessness. Name-calling, ignorance of feelings, shouting, abusive tactics, and violence act as punishment to unconsciously tell someone, “Avoid similar situations in the future otherwise suffer again.”

The way to solve this using Skinner’s behavioral theory is to provide positive reinforcement. Do what you can to consciously and unconsciously make someone want to address conflict.

When someone takes the step into the scary unknown of open communication by confronting conflict, it’s important to reinforce the desired behavior with effective conflict management techniques. In the absence of these methods, you could end up making the conflict destructive and further reinforce the person’s patterns of avoidance.

You can also welcome different perspectives by asking for the person’s opinion. Listen then thank the person for expressing himself or herself. Everyone loves to feel listened to, understood, and appreciated.

Conflict avoidance doesn’t have to destroy your workplace, marriage, or family when you use the above five ways to deal with conflict. Just be sure to not avoid what I’ve given you.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. 40 Ways to Make a Good First Impression
2. 10 Almost Guaranteed Ways to Fail in Life
3. 16 Email Mistakes You Must Avoid: Email Etiquette
4. Principles and Tips to Deal with Difficult People
5. Controlling People – Signs of a Controlling Person and How to Deal with Them

This is not just an article to help you be assertive – it is a complete guide about the psychology of saying no. Too many people struggle to decline an offer, say they won’t help out, or reject a dangerous substance with confidence. Forces like guilt, peer pressure, and an inability to assert oneself makes people say yes, which puts them in situations they later regret.

Saying no helps with two main categories of situations. Firstly, it helps to avoid what is asked of you because of personal preference or your inability to fulfill the request. This category of situations involves donating to a charity because you have already donated to them, helping a friend when you have a more important task to do, or working overtime when you are going on holidays. You enjoy helping people, but you cannot help due to poor time, financial resources, or mental incapacity.

The second category of situations where assertive skills protect you are made of events that endanger your wellbeing. This category includes situations with drugs, alcohol, excessive stress, and loss of family-time. You have the time, money, and energy to give, but the situation is more threatening than the first category and ugly implications deter you from engagement. Saying no is difficult because you are coerced into compliance with peer pressure, guilt, intimidation, fear, or worry about being perceived as weak.

Why You Must Draw a Line: The Necessity and Benefits of Asserting No

It is vital for your wellbeing and your relationships to draw a line – and not cross it – in either category that benefits from assertion. Two serious situations in the second category of scenarios is being pressured into doing drugs or sex. Never accept a life-damaging decision based on intimidation and peer pressure when you can say no. It is a bonus if the other person respects your decision – not a necessity.

Most situations do not have the dangers associated with drugs, alcohol, or sex. You are peppered with requests day-in and day-out. Time is limited to do the necessities and the little extras you want. In order to get through the day with your sanity in tact, you must say no to people.

You must gracefully say no if you’re to become a successful, powerful, happy individual. This assertive skill gives you the freedom and control to put your efforts where it matters most. Tony Blair knew he had to lead the United Kingdom by turning down requests and making priorities. “The art of leadership is saying no, not yes,” said the former Prime Minister. “It is very easy to say yes.”

I frequently tell, or ignore, casual website visitors and even subscribers who email me requesting my help with their communication – not because I’m a prick (or maybe I am) – but because I cannot let my time be consumed in ways where greater opportunity costs exist. People pay me five figures to receive one-on-one coaching so it is unfair for them to not receive special treatment.

I’ve noticed there are freebie seekers that take whatever they can from others with no respect for who they take from and no desire to return favors. Be wary of saying yes to these people. They can control your life.

Stop hurting yourself by doing activities that contribute nothing to your values and long-term aspirations (this is the best skill I believe to increase productivity). Accepting more requests than you can handle as your most important tasks get overlooked makes you do less enjoyable activities, agitated towards loved ones from your repressed passions, feel unfilled and unproductive, and develop a low self-esteem from the “but-I-work-so-hard-and-don’t-succeed” syndrome. An inability to say no has indirect effects difficult to comprehend.

Research proves the guilt that drives human compulsion to say yes, wears down the body through stress, exhaustion, and mental dilapidation, as depression and a lack of passion develops. “Saying yes when you need to say no causes burnout,” says Duke Robinson, author of Too Nice for Your Own Good. “You do yourself and the person making the request a disservice by saying yes all of the time.”

Your leadership with work colleagues, family, or participants of a social group improves when values are clear. Learning to say no will improve your leadership skills as you develop a better team environment where you appropriately delegate tasks. You will avoid doing tasks because you “do them best” and no longer micromanage people – two common problems for entrepreneurs. People can surprise you with their skills if you just let them, leaving you to complete important activities.

People respect your time and make less requests of you when you get good at saying no. You will train people to behave a certain way with you as they avoid petty requests they know will be declined.

Once you become good at empathically and assertively saying no, your words will pack power when you comply with the request – something people previously took for granted. The “yes” becomes a clear crest rising from still waters, ascending people’s expectations. Scarcity makes people appreciate rarity over commonality.

Why It’s Difficult to Say No

Your boss asks, “Can you please put in another hour at work?” Do you give in or do you make an assertive stand? You crumble faster than my poor baking by giving in to the demand. Why do you say yes too often? What can you learn from this to be more assertive?

Maybe you do not say no because you think it’s selfish. Saying no like all assertive skills and techniques is not selfish under appropriate circumstances. Assertion generates a win-win result. Assertion is not a problem; it is a solution to one. A lack of assertion causes a win-loss result as you suffer from poor health, regrets, and low quality relationships. Frequent assertion can be inappropriate, but most people are too passive and don’t need to worry about this problem.

If you are a rarer person who aggressively declines a request, you still find it difficult to assertively say no, but situations affect you in a different way compared to passive persons. Pressure, stress, and intensity of a request grows for you as it eventually becomes too much and causes you to shout, “NO!” or degrade the person through remarks like, “I’m not doing what you say” or “You can’t tell me what to do”.

Neither constant passive or aggressive communication is beneficial for people. Either case benefits from assertive skills.

Aside from communication styles, the most common reason people say yes is their guilt. The moral and social emotion dictates them to follow requests and orders. Charity workers sometimes instill guilt or shame in people so the only way they can alleviate the emotion is by making a donation.

Guilt compels you to give – often a good thing, but harmful when you want to say no. When your decision to give time, financial assistance, or any donation is made to avoid uncomfortable confrontation or guilt, the motive takes away the purist meaning of giving, which is to donate freely for the benefit of others. Giving is best done voluntarily otherwise resentment forms.

How to Eliminate Guilt in Saying No

Guilt is not bad like other emotions such as anger. It exists for a reason. Guilt tells a message you need to hear.

People feel guilty when saying no because they lack or have a conflict of values. When you passionately believe an organization such as a racist group does not deserve a donation from you, saying no is simple and you feel no guilt. Your values against racial discrimination make it easy to feel zero guilt in saying no.

If you feel guilty by not donating to a good charity (a gray-colored situation compared to helping a racist group), your values are misaligned – it’s not that you don’t have values about helping people and organizations. One value compels you to give money or time (“Good people help others”, “I want to help the less fortunate”, and “I can give to receive”), while another value tells you otherwise (“You can’t afford it”, “You’ve got others things to do”, and “They don’t need what you have to offer”). Selecting one value or the other makes you feel guilty because the other value is ignored. A conflict of murky values spawns an unclear problem. It’s no wonder guilt can create an internal mess.

You can overcome feelings of guilt when saying no with an awareness of conflicting values, then align yourself with your highest values. If spending time with your children is more important than work, you can eliminate guilt about not working overtime. If doing your most valuable task at the start of the day is more important than a recreational activity, you can decline your friend’s offer to play sport with him and not feel guilty. If good health is more salient in your life than drugs and alcohol, no guilt or peer pressure will compel you to consume either. Identification with your most important value lets you make the decision to fulfill that value and happily stand by it.

To rid lingering guilt, sometimes it helps to revisit important values. Recite what values are important to you and why (“I’m not taking extra work home because my family life suffers when I feel stressed”). Heavy guilt like any strong emotion communicates a message that needs attention. If further guilt surfaces, the problem is more complex and may need therapy to solve.

Let’s now move to the “how” of saying no.

Body Language – Saying No May Be Unnecessary

Saying no is enough in some cases. Without good body language, however, a simple no may not work.

If your body language is assertive, your words will be more assertive. Body language strengthens or weakens any verbal statement. If you lack good body language, any statement will lack power to be taken seriously. When someone’s verbal statement and body language conflict, you can bet people will accept the message sent through body language as truth.

I was frequently asked to work extra hours at my old workplace, a supermarket where I packed shelves, yet I lied to get out of working extra time. I said, “I have university in the early morning” when the truth was I wanted to get home so I could work on EarthlingCommunication.com. I hated packing shelves, hearing I must work faster (it was low employee morale), and being criticized for not meeting productivity expectations. Sometimes I got out of work with minor guilt, but other times I had to work. The reason a lie saved me from prison while other times it sentenced me to additional time behind employer bars was the nonverbal cues.

When we tell the truth, our bodies naturally communicate the message with confidence. When we tell a lie, our bodies naturally communicate the message with low confidence. (For this reason, I recommend you avoid lying by saying no for a true reason.)

If you decide to lie or just want to enhance the strength of any assertive message, I have three assertive body language techniques for you to follow.

First is a eye contact technique. When the request is made, look into the person’s eyes for two seconds, look away for two more seconds, and then back into their eyes before making your statement. This provides a “thinking gap” that lets them know you pondered their request.

Do not give them a blank “dumb” stare. Make it a look of thought. Once the four seconds expire, simply say no or a variation of it provided below. This communicates confidence in your decision and that you are unlikely to change. The person will be less likely to repeat the request after you use the technique.

The second important tip in saying no through assertive body language is keeping consistent facial expressions. If you were bored before the request, don’t suddenly be animated otherwise the person will know something is up. Remove smiles or frowns, raised or lowered eyebrows, and anything else that communicates a negative or positive stance on the issue. Generally, a boring face shows you are unaffected by the person’s request.

The third important tip, which will put your noes on steroids, is to maintain nonverbal smoothness. Keep your demeanor consistent with your demeanor prior to the request. Maintain a consistent voice, for example, by speaking at the same volume, tone, and speed you did prior to saying no. Any sign of unease hints at a lie or compels the person to persist in the request. Switching the topic and using sarcasm are two indicators of unease.

Make smooth, minimal, confident movements. Nonverbally communicate subsequent requests will get the same response as your first no. If you suddenly have a nervous twitch when saying no, alarm bells ring for the person who will likely persist until you comply. The only movement I recommend you have is shaking your head side-ways to nonverbally communicate your assertive message.

10 Proven Ways to Say No

There are many ways to say no that I’m about to describe below. You can choose a version you think is best for the situation without tying yourself to specific words and phrases that most articles on this topic advise because the following variations to say no are concepts, not word-for-word statements to mirror:

Plain No. Guess what this one involves? All you do is say no and move on. It is the least effective method, but this stock technique can work in simple situations.

Mirroring No. This variation involves sympathy where you communicate an understanding of the person’s situation, then follow it with your declining statement. Understanding people increases persuasive power. Let’s say your child’s sports coach asks you to be the team manager. You could respond with a “mirroring no” by saying, “I understand you’re after a team manager. It must be tough trying to organize the team, but I won’t be the team manager this season.”

If you do not understand someone, the person feels disconnected from you because we value those who understand our situation, feelings, and point of view. A misunderstood requester reasons to oneself, “You don’t understand me so you don’t understand the situation. I better keep bugging you until you do.”

Reason-Why No. One Harvard psychologist in a study gave his partner in crime a stack of papers to photocopy. The subject was told to try and jump the photocopying queue through one of two statements. When the subject said, “Excuse me, I’ve got five pages. May I jump in and use the machine?” 60% of the time people complied. When the subject said, “May I jump in and use the machine because I’m in a rush”, 94% of the time people complied. The researchers discovered that providing a reason with a request increases compliance.

If a charity worker asks for a donation, you can say, “No I won’t donate because I’ve donated to another organization last week” or “No I won’t donate because I don’t want to”. Reread the second example and you will notice something peculiar: the reason provides no new information just like “I’ve got five pages”. Everyone in the photocopying line has pages to print, yet giving a reason makes the request more persuasive because we comply more often when a reason is given. (I just used the technique on you!)

The requester may use a similar variation of this technique on you. Be wary of the person who gives a reason for their request to stop yourself getting sucked into a situation you want to avoid.

Also, use the reason-why technique in combination with assertive body language and another variation of saying no to really pump up your assertive power.

General No. The “general no” prevents the requester feeling isolated and picked on. This variation is great for people who request money. A friend asks you for a loan to which you reply, “Sorry, I won’t. I don’t lend money to people.”

Delayed No. Simply say, “I’ll get back to you at a later time.” Meanwhile, the person may find someone else to do the job or the problem may solve itself. You also give yourself time to think of what to say if the person makes the same request later on. The “delayed no” technique is great if you’re a manager, entrepreneur, or team leader when someone drags you from an important task. People often solve their own problems and only come to you because you’ve willingly helped them in the past.

Conditional No. State the conditions that govern you accepting the appeal. Decline if the conditions are not met. Only use this technique if you are willing to accept the request because the person may align their initial request with your listed conditions. As an example of the conditional no, your boss asks you to work overtime to which you reply, “I can work overtime, but only for one hour. If an hour isn’t good enough, I’ll have to say no.”

Painful No. Emphasize the future pain the person would experience if you decline the request at a later time. If your boss asks you to take on an extra assignment, you could say, “For both our sake I’m going to say no. The quality of my work declines when I’m not focused on one assignment. I don’t want to give you bad work, hurt my position here at the company, and as a result, make you get someone else to redo the assignment at a later date.”

Solution No. Decline the request, then suggest someone or a work-around the person can use to solve the problem. As an example: “I cannot go out with you tonight because I need to work, but if you need transport, there’s a good bus service near the shops.”

Be careful throwing another person into the hole you were in when they might hate it. Connect people you believe will help one another and both will benefit.

Repetitive No. The “repetitive no” variation uses an assertive skill known as the “broken record technique”, which repeats a statement. Say the same “no statement” over and over until the person stops their request. The request usually varies in form, but keep the statement unchanged. Here is an example scenario:

“Can you help me move house this weekend?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“I really need help. Can you help me move house?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“It’ll only be for a few hours. Can you?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”

Respectful No. Firstly use one of the above variations to say no. If the person persists with their request, use the “respectful no” variation. Communicate your wishes for the person to respect your decision. “Please don’t make the same request again. I’ve said no. Can you please accept that?” Do this with compassionate body language to avoid coming across as aggressive.

Regardless of the way you say no, use the body language tips provided earlier in combination with clear values and an absence of defensiveness. Defensive behavior ties in with uneasiness and can include becoming argumentative and being resistant to another’s opinion. It helps to provide that “thinking gap” for a few seconds of silence to overcome defensiveness.

Once you have used the above advice, be prepared to walk away in nearly all situations. Someone could persist with a request only because you are standing there. Some salespersons are ruthless and persist at persuading you to buy until you move to leave. Salespersons rely on your guilt to stay with them until a perfect moment that rarely arrives signals for your departure.

“No” is not a bad word if you know how to say it effectively with your words and body. Stop seeing this assertive skill in a bad light. You actually hurt the requester and the relationship with resentment by accepting the person’s request when you want to decline it. Turning down a request you want to avoid benefits you and the requester in the long-run. If you don’t achieve that outcome, then you have something to be guilty over.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Why People Remain Quiet, Shy, and Non-Assertive: The Benefits of Passive Behavior and Communication
2. How to Manage and Deal with an Aggressive Boss

I purchased Miller’s ebook. Upon opening it, I was surprised to see it was only 95 pages. I got a little angry, expecting more, because so many ebooks on persuasion, conversations, and communication- related subjects are small and contain little value. After finishing the ebook, however, I had received more techniques than some 300-page books I’ve read. Do not judge Miller’s book by its size like I did because you will get many mind control techniques to improve your conversations.

The Elite Social Control system shifts self-focused individuals to their conversational partner to improve the connection. This means the system will specifically help you if you suffer from self-consciousness, nervousness, or generally want people to like you more in conversations for better negotiations, dating, and general social situations.

It is not all mystical mumbo-jumbo. There are mind control techniques you can use that make better use of verbal and nonverbal messages. Your nonverbal communication influences people in the most unusual ways, which Elite Social Control will show you to dominate.

I particularly liked the eight secrets of magnetic statements. Miller teaches you how to make your words hook people into having a great conversation with you. His 13 pieces of advice to avoid repelling statements is just as good. You will learn good conversational etiquette that many people ignore, which I have not read elsewhere. Also, the advice he offers to relax your body language, change your voice, and improve your general image will help you become confident, comfortable, and likable.

While there are many conversation techniques I liked and never knew about, there was the occasional technique I hated because it leads into psychic material. Some people will like this, though I don’t. Regardless of your attitude towards such material, most of the book focuses on proven mind techniques and communication tricks. Many other techniques in the ebook are valuable tools to win people to your way of thinking, have positive conversations, and build solid rapport.

Hamilton also provides 10 magnetic moves and a few nonverbal tricks. As is true for most of the book, you’re given quick-fire techniques that attract people in conversations. “The Non-Analytical Look”, “Elite Gaze”, and “Four Steps to Chain Rapport” are solid tricks to help you in any conversation.

Overall, though it is short, it is concise and powerful. Its size is even beneficial because you can read it within 2-3 hours and quickly refer to it when you need to. If you are interested Hamilton Miller’s Elite Social Control to improve your conversations – for whatever reason – you can download your copy right now and be reading it within minutes by clicking here.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. 14 Social Skills Resources for an Amazing Social Life
2. The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom
3. Review of Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
4. Review of How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes
5. Review of Frogs Into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder

As I drove, the open car park gave me an invitation to have a little fun with my car. If landscapes could talk, this one was whispering into my ear that I should spin the wheels. “Besides, it’s late at night. No one is around and you’re feeling great. It’s an open car park with no danger. Do it!” Like a vulnerable teenager succumbing to peer pressure, I accepted the invitation.

The car became an extension of my body as it began to mimic my ecstatic mood. I put my foot down hard on the accelerator as I spun the wheel left around the first corner. As the rear tires lost their stability and the car went side-ways, I entered the next turn and spun the wheel right. The sound of screeching tires was water fertilizing my increasing smile. Smoke filled the rims of my tires and a shot of adrenaline filled my body.

Following the two consecutive drifts, I straightened the car and approached a set of traffic lights on the main road that would take me home. Had this been during the daytime, about seven cars would be in front of me before the upcoming traffic lights.

My friend who had left before me had passed through the traffic lights three seconds ago so the lights were still green. Keeping in the mood, I put my foot down on the accelerator to catch the green light. I would safely make it. I turned around the corner with a soft screech of the tires. 20 meters in front of me on the side of the road were two police officers beside their vehicle. Lucky me.

The police pulled me over. Opposite to what you might be thinking, I was not concerned. I was still in my elevated state. I smiled. I wound down my window and an angry officer came charging at me, yelling, “What the hell are you thinking? What the hell is going through your mind?” I paused momentarily, unaffected by his aggressive state. I said smilingly, “I’m just happy, I guess.” Not a smart response. Not a smart response at all.

It hit me I was out of it. I knew I should have said something else. I gulped. My mind rushed to think of some communication techniques I could use as a life boat to save me from drowning in the conversation. The moment was intense and all that came to mind were some techniques on getting out of a speeding-ticket. I thought to myself that I will give the techniques a shot. I had annoyed the officer enough. Surely it couldn’t get worse.

As I was thinking how to approach this difficult situation, I was still happy. My happy mood seemed to pour fuel on his already raging fire. “Bloody hell mate! I could just give you a ticket right now!” My smile began to lower. I no longer made eye contact with the officer. The officer’s raging mood began to infect me. He was making me feel angry. It was as if my body was overcome by an emotional virus from the officer who was the virus’ host.

I thought of the techniques to get out of a speeding-ticket and realized I was already beginning to use them. It was too late to make the officer feel safe as he approached the car, but I needed to no longer act oblivious to my mistake. I needed to show respect as officers are in a clear position of authority and often experience disrespect throughout their day that only makes them more determined to convict guilty citizens. “You’re right,” I replied. “I was stupid and careless.”

The officer was still enraged and continued to threaten me with a ticket. I knew he could easily write me a ticket, but he was not writing one possibly because officers hate the paperwork created from citizens breaking the law. I kept myself aligned with the officer’s reality by remaining in a “Yes I’m wrong, stupid, and shouldn’t have done that” mood. I continued to play psychological judo, and match my mood with his own, until two minutes later he said to drive away. And oh, no ticket!

I drove off – though feeling pleased I had beaten a reckless driving ticket – in an irritated state. The officer had destroyed my happy mood. It took two minutes of talking with the officer to completely transform my happy state into a joyless, gloomy mood, which I remained in for another two hours until I went to bed.

Emotional Contagion: When Two Minds Infect One Another

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou, poet and actress

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.” – Mark Twain, highly quoted writer

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.” – Anonymous

“I am involved in all of mankind.” – John Donne, 16th century poet

My story I described is probably a perfect depiction of your reality with emotions. Everyday you interact with people in different moods. Sometimes you are happier than people; other times they are happier than you. Whatever the case, emotions transfer between people. This is a fascinating peculiarity with emotions. Have you ever noticed how we feel in our interactions is not only dependent on our internal state?

• How did you feel when someone really annoyed began talking to you? You became more annoyed.
• How did you feel when someone unhappy began talking to you? You began to be unhappy.
• How did you feel when a depressed person shared their misery with you? You felt depressed and miserable.
• How did you feel when a charismatic person talked to you? You felt his energy and you began to feel happier.

Psychologists call this phenomena “emotional contagion”. It is a psychological and physiological process – a transference of emotion that can occur from mimicking body language. Elaine Hatfield, a professor at the University of Hawaii, in a study with John Carlson and Christopher Hsee, had college students watch a videotape of a man describe two very emotional experiences: his life’s happiest and saddest events. While the college students watched the tape, they were taped so the researchers could record the students’ emotional responses. The students were also asked what feelings they experienced for each story at the end of the video.

The researchers found that students showed and expressed the recorded person’s emotions. The student’s felt happy when they watched the man describe his happiest event. The students felt sad when they watched the man describe his saddest event.

Hatfield and her two colleagues, John Cacioppo and Richard Rapson, in their co-authored book Emotional Contagion, say the psychophysiological phenomena occurs from automatically matching facial expressions, vocalics, postures, and movements. Hatfield says, “People tend to experience emotions consistent with the facial, vocal, and postural expressions they adopt.”

When you empathetically listen to a friend, true empathy puts you in their shoes to experience the discussed events. The friend describes an argument with an ex-partner, the yelling, the misunderstandings. You can vividly see what your friend talks about. The experience lets you feel the pain your friend feels. Well-known psychologist Albert Bandura says the shared experience results in a shared feeling. That is the price of listening: not only can you catch a cold, but you can catch an emotional cold.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
2. Dirty Tricks of Psychology for Mind-Reading and the Roots of Empathy
3. The Complete Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process for Compassion, Understanding, and Peace
4. Review of Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
5. The Greatest 15 Myths of Communication

The telephone is a different medium to traditional face-to-face communication. What does this mean to you? Rules change and tips can be adapted to help you build your relationship. What does not change is the fundamental human psychology of the two individuals at either end of the phone.

Human psychology is about fulfilling needs and wants. You go to the grocery store to buy food to fulfill your need to eat. You buy an expensive shirt because you want to look good. You communicate with others to fulfill your social and identity needs. Attraction, intimacy, and friendship work on human psychological wants and needs. Because of this, you will see how these phone skills I am about to share with you can be adapted to your everyday conversations. Learning how to make someone fall in love with you is therefore neither manipulative nor deceptive as it is a matter of you fulfilling the person’s needs and wants through communication.

If you want others to literally fall in love with you and not just like you more, you must understand attraction. These tips are about building likability over a different type of communication medium – the phone – and do not act as a substitute for attraction. The tips I am about to give you to make someone fall in love with you over the phone, when applied with techniques to build attraction in women and men, can make the opposite attracted to you.

Learning these phone skills is a sure-fire way to build a strong relationship fast and have your new client wanting a business relationship, a friend staying connected with you, or a new acquaintance loving you. A stupid word of warning: do not begin avoiding people face-to-face once you realize the power of these phone skills!

They Need to Be Receptive

The first rule you must obey is checking the person you are talking to over the phone is receptive to you. Regardless of anything wonderful you say, nothing will matter if the person does not pay attention.

If the person has a young child howling louder than a wolf, you will be ignored. The person will hear, but not listen. Your messages will go no further than the other end of the phone line as the person’s mind is elsewhere, preoccupied with the distraction. When we do not have the time to talk, a distraction arises, or we need to do a task, the only thoughts running through our mind are similar to: “How long will it be until this damn person shuts up? I’ve got something to do!”

The first rule of receptivity over the the phone is to make it a habit of checking if the person can talk with you. Ask upfront if the person has time to talk. After the greetings, simply say, “Do you have a couple of minutes to talk?” This makes you courteous and unobtrusive on the person’s space.

The first rule of receptivity ensures the person is receptive at the start of the call and the second rule will make sure the person is receptive during the call. While talking on the phone, interruptions arise. Some can be undetectable, yet others can be heard over the phone. When you hear a baby howling, a door bell ring, or a loud bang, don’t ignore it! Say what sound you heard then ask if the person needs to attend it. The empathy you communicate by acknowledging potential interruptions will increase your likability and ensure the person is tuned in to what you say.

It’s You!

You’re going through a routine day walking down the street. The world is boring, people are getting through their day, and everything appears it would be the same without your presence. What happens though, if at the other end of the street you see a best friend you have not met for five years?

You see your best friend and your energy amplifies a gazillion times! Many memories, experiences, and feelings gush back to you in an intense emotional rush. You run up to the person. “It’s you! I can’t believe it!” Your ecstatic to stumble upon your friend!

The lesson you can learn from this is what I call the “It’s You!” technique. When you ring the person or the person rings you, say your normal greeting in an average mood. Once the person introduces himself, you become surprised, or rather energized, to talk with the person. Wait for the person’s introduction then amp up your energy as if you were talking to that old friend you saw on the street. This makes the person pleasantly thrilled to talk to you.

If you always talk energetically over the phone, your energy with the “It’s You!” technique will not have the sincerity and pleasant thrill because the high energy is normal for you. Only when you authentically convey happiness to be talking to the person more than you would with normal people does this technique work. The feelings of importance the person receives makes it a great technique to help them fall in love with you over the phone.

(In an article on how to be interesting without saying a word, I applied this escalating technique on smiling by gradually increasing your smile when you meet someone; instead of walking around smiling or instantly giving off a big smile. These two “escalation techniques” bring sincerity and warmth to your personality.)

Repeat Their Name

The fourth tip I recommend you whack into your new phone skills bag of tricks is mentioning the person’s name more often. As Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People writes, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Our names are a sweet tune of music to our ears. It is a fast way to build any relationship.

You need to know one warning about this technique. If you mention someone’s name too often, you come off as a try hard, needy, and desperate person – much like a poor salesman.

If you are like most people, you can comfortably increase the frequency you say the person’s name. You can get away with mentioning their name more often than in a face-to-face conversation because the phone is a different medium. The phone inhibits intimacy.

If the person begins to mentally drift away from you, hearing their name will reinvigorate their interest. The person can subliminally fall in love with you.

How to Make Up for No Body Language With Your Voice

Another difference you can take advantage of over the phone to enhance your relationships and make the person fall in love with you is countering the inability to communicate with body language. Our nonverbal communication is a large tower from where we broadcast strong signals. A simple message like “you’re funny” can be strengthened many times through body language. Some attraction experts even claim body language alone is enough to make someone fall in love with you.

Your nonverbal communication helps others understand you. Without the visual option to see one another over the phone, yours and their inability to read body language can hurt understanding, connection, likability, and attraction. Your voice is the only form of nonverbal communication over the phone, making it a powerful medium of communication.

You can improve your phone skills despite the lack of connection built through body language by communicating extra energy through your voice. I estimate varying your vocal tonality and energy an extra 30%. If you are happy the person did something well, put an extra 30% of energy in your voice when saying, “That is awesome! Congratulations!” If you are sad, lose 30% of energy in your voice by saying, “I’m… I’m sorry to hear that…” The change of energy communicated through your vocalics establishes empathy to build a connection with your partner. The person will have a feeling of being next to you, which will enhance your relationship fast.

Build Rapport

Rapport is being in sync with the person. It is the hidden key to make people feel connected to you. Establishing rapport ties in with mentioning the person’s name more often and compensating for a lack of body language via your voice because the two techniques build a connection that help the two of you get in sync.

Learning to build rapport over the phone is necessary if you want to build a strong relationship fast. Unfortunately, a complete guide to building rapport is far too complex to discuss in this article, yet the premise of it involves being like the person in as many ways as possible.

One particular characteristic of the person I highly advise you to match is their mood. Mood-matching helps you rapidly build a strong relationship and make someone fall in love with you.

To understand mood-matching, think back to a time when you were feeling unhappy and someone bounding with joy tried to cheer you up with their happiness. How did you feel afterwards? Most likely more annoyed! Their happiness did not relate to you because the two of you were at polarized emotional levels. The person was happy and you were sad.

You can better relate to people and build this “connection” I have been talking about when the two of you are communicating similar moods to one another. Mood is one of many communication factors you can match when talking to someone over the phone.

Rapport is slightly more difficult to create over the phone than in person because body language cannot be comprehended. You can, however, try to compensate for this with a 30% extra variance of energy in your voice.

When you combine all these tips to build a strong relationship over the phone with the ways to build attraction, you have the phone skills to make someone fall in love with you! Even better, these phone techniques are not limited to intimate love. You can apply these skills to potential clients, family members, and those annoying customers. The phone breaks geographic boundaries, but now you can break emotional boundaries.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. The Heart of Effective Communication: How to Love People
2. 101 Conversation Starters People Love
3. Review of How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes
4. Review of Elite Social Control by Hamilton Miller

At the end of the round, he had failed to qualify for the national tournament by two shots. In the clubhouse where we had a drink, we talked about what he did well and what he could have done better. “I was surprised by the quality of your chip shots and game around the greens,” I remarked. “Everything went within 2 meters of the pin.” Not to concerned about the disappointed day, Nathan replied, “Yeah, you’re right. My wedge game was strong today. Just…” to which I interrupted and said, “The eleventh 2-iron.” He echoed my words, “Spot on, the eleventh 2-iron.”

I let him continue to talk as his words almost perfectly described the words in my mind. Something happened between our minds. It was like a magic trick taking place. A mystical cable connected our minds, leading to strange psychological phenomena.

It seemed we almost had psychic powers. He was not just reading my mind, I was also reading his. There was a shared connection, a relaying of thoughts exchanged between minds. The distance between two brains was removed as two minds overcame physical boundaries to connect with one another.

There was no two persons trying to talk to one another – frustrated in their misunderstandings. There was no interpretation, judgments, or confusion about what each other meant. We were so attuned to one another that we did not even have to say a word and we would have understood what was in the other person’s mind.

What happened here? Was it just a fluke, a lucky break? Were psychic powers at work? How does psychology explain this? How can you use this information to read someone’s mind and improve your communication skills?

We Were Born to Connect: The Roots of Empathy Gave Us Innate Psychological and Physiological Connections

In 328 BC, Aristotle said humans are social animals. Nowadays, more and more evidence is showing that humans are born to connect with one another. Much fascinating research on psychology, sociology, neuroscience, and child development is revealing how we connect in our relationships.

From birth, a baby prefers his or her mother’s voice, sight, and smell than that of a stranger’s. The mother is more connected to the baby than an outsider. As the baby grows, other attachments form. Should a babysitter come over to look after the toddler as the mother leaves the house, the toddler experiences separation anxiety and clings to the mother’s leg. (The anxiety is important for survival and avoiding dangerous situations.) The child can be joyous 10 seconds prior to seeing the babysitter, but the sight of the stranger creates fear in the child and leads to large amounts of distress.

As the mother leaves the house, she feels her child’s anxiety. The child may say no words or cry no tears, yet the mother mind-reads her child’s emotional state. She is able to feel exactly what the child is feeling. There is a mind-to-mind and mind-to-body connection taking place.

Interpersonal communication is not just about direct channels – the channels like verbal and nonverbal communication obvious to people. Though we are often aware of people’s words and body language, reading someone’s mind goes to the next level. When you know another person well enough, you pick-up on indirect channels that give you hunches about the other person. Nothing needs to be said or expressed nonverbally; it is your intuition – almost a sixth sense – that tells you what is on the person’s mind.

We do not just connect through words, we connect at a biological level. Our bodies can adjust to match someone else’s body. When you deeply connect to someone during a conversation, your posture, movements, and heart rate match the other person. This power gives you the ability to control another’s mood. (It isn’t fake rapport you see in most people’s attempts to use NLP.) A mother can relieve her distressed baby with her soothing voice. Our psychology and physiology can affect someone else’s psychology and physiology. You literally change people’s bodies with your thoughts.

Social and emotional intelligence expert Daniel Goleman is a leader in the mind-to-mind and mind-to-body connections we share with each other. In a New York Times article, Goleman discusses the powerful connection we share with people. He refers to one study that measured a female’s anxiety. Researchers had a group of females hold someone’s hand prior to receiving an electric shock. When a female held hands with a stranger, she remained distressed. When a woman held her husband’s hand, however, brain scans confirmed little activity in the emotional parts of her brain. She kept calm. The husband’s hand was a biological source of emotional rescue. Our psychological and physiological states affect ourselves and other people at astonishing levels.

You Have Superpowers

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napoleon Hill (1883-1970), author of the classic Think and Grow Rich!

“The greatest reward is to know that one can speak and emit articulate sounds and utter words that describe things, events and emotions.” – Camilo Jose Cela, Spanish writer and recipent of the 1989 Nobel Prize in Literature

“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.” – Meryl Streep (1949-present), American actress

Because we were born to connect with one another, each of us has innate abilities to connect with others. Believe it or not, everyday we read each other’s minds. Whether a friend asks for your opinion on their clothes, a boss wants your input on a coworker’s performance, or a child asks for a gift, you receive what feels like sixth sense signals that tell you how to respond. When a friend asks for your opinion on their clothes, you can almost determine what they are thinking. You have memories, empathy, and gut-feelings about the person’s thoughts that tell you how to respond.

You already have “superpowers”, an ability to determine another’s state. If you did not have such abilities, you would fail miserably in your relationships; you would fail to intimately connect with your partner; you would struggle to persuade others as your negotiation skills would be insufficient to determine what the other person really wants; you would be unable to sense when someone manipulates you. Without this “superpower” to read someone’s mind, you would struggle to cooperate and connect with people.

Unfortunately, the less time you spend with someone and the more distanced you are with them, you become less able to read a person’s mind. As I am sure you know, we do not have perfect abilities to cue into another person’s thoughts. If it were that perfect, there would be little reason to communicate. We would know exactly what everyone is thinking.

It seems that a couple intimately connected to one another should know what their partner is thinking because time in a close relationship helps build the individual’s mind-to-mind connection. Married people might be laughing at reading that. Too many married couples can recall endless occasions when their partner had no clue what they thought – yet alone, what they were thinking when they tried to explain themselves.

William Ickes, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Arlington, is the leading expert in empathic accuracy. Ickes says misunderstandings in marriages occurs from a lack of insight into their partner’s way of thinking. While you may be motivated to understand your partner early on in a relationship, says Ickes, during the first few years of marriage most people’s empathy for their partner decreases because they become overly confident in understanding their partner.

It may seem contradictory, but assumptions destroy your ability to read someone’s mind. Reading someone’s mind is not about guessing or contriving information to arrive at a conclusion; it is about being immersed in the present as you allow yourself to be absorbed by the person’s reality. You come to act as the person acts, feel as the person feels, and think as the person thinks. Assuming information destroys your human powers to read someone’s mind, build understanding, and establish empathy.

Become a Better Superhero: Mind-Reading Tricks – Empathy Techniques

“The man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors.” – Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third President of the United States

“In nature we never see anything isolated, but everything in connection with something else which is before it, beside it, under it and over it.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), famed German writer

“Every reader, if he has a strong mind, reads himself into the book, and amalgamates his thoughts with those of the author.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You can smile and the whole world smiles with you. That is the magic of “emotional contagion”, a term created by psychologists to describe the infectious nature of emotions. If you frown as you walk around at work, you will infect coworkers with your sour mood. This connection we have with one another is there for a reason: it connects us! Emotional contagion plays a very important role in connecting people together.

We would be separate from each other without emotional contagion; we would have little concern for how people feel; we would be unable to read another’s mind. Intelligently taking on a person’s reality by allowing yourself to become infected with their emotions, lets you infer their thoughts. Some psychologists allows emotions to transfer from their client to themselves, which gives them the ability to peer into their client’s inner world. A psychologist can then discover a thought or feeling their client is not yet aware of.

Goleman in Social Intelligence discusses the amazing mind-to-mind connection, a connection that transcends physical boundaries. He says the intimacy of our communication controls the degree we can connect with others. When a couple are highly engaged with one another, Goleman says, “Such mental intimacy bespeaks an emotional closeness; the more satisfied and communicative a couple, the more accurate their mutual mind-reading.”

The intimacy of our communication that creates a psychic connection has a neurological justification explains Goleman. It is not some unexplained magical power, but neurological adjustment. As we communicate with someone and experience what other people experience, our neurons form pathways. These neural pathways unconsciously direct messages to form our sixth sense that gives us gut-feelings about what people are thinking. “Our trains of association run on set tracks, circuits of learning and memory,” says Goleman. “Once any of these trains has been primed, even by a simple mention, that track stirs in the unconscious, beyond the reach of our active attention.”

Intimate communication that shapes the brain can only be achieved by intimately sharing another person’s reality. Quietening your inner dialog makes you more able to detect another’s emotions. Without inner silence, empathy becomes a difficult task because there is no two-way communication.

Think back to a time when you were angry with someone you were talking to. Your anger was illogical as it caused you to do things you later regretted. You did not care what the other person felt, you were just concerned with releasing your anger and telling him or her how you felt. (The 10th chapter on emotions and logic in my communication secrets program can solve this problem for you.)

Better emotional management helps your mind-reading skills to improve your relationships. Four researchers in a study titled Physiologic Correlates of Perceived Therapist Empathy and Social-Emotional Process During Psychotherapy found that therapists and patients who felt the same had a more positive relationship. Similar feelings between people helps their relationship.

The researchers from the study say that talking uses a different part of the brain than emotional responses. Being a blabber-mouth kills your ability to emotionally connect with people and read their mind. Listening plays a huge role in connecting minds. By talking too much, we block our biological ability to feel what another person feels – and fail to build a connection akin to mind-reading.

As you quieten your inner dialog to tune into a person’s emotions, be aware that their thoughts and desires will not be the same as your thoughts and desires. Psychologists call this a “theory of mind, which describes the ability to determine another’s mental state and at the same time acknowledge the differences to our own.

Body language and other nonverbal cues helps us achieve seemingly psychic powers. Annie Murphy Paul, in a Psychology Today article titled “Mind Reading”, says that body language cues such as facial expressions are a good way to tap into people’s thoughts. “We tend to focus on others’ eyes, and that helps us,” says Paul. “The many surrounding muscles make eyes a richer source of clues than other parts of the face: downcast in sadness, wide open in fright, dreamily unfocused, staring hard with jealousy, or glancing around with bored impatience.”

While the eyes play an important role in determining someone’s thoughts, as does other nonverbal signals like voice, “it’s the content of speech that contributes most to our success at mind reading” says Paul. Meaning is not always directly expressed through words, but words give us insight into people’s way of thinking. It is next to impossible to mind-read someone speaking another language.

Another trick you can use – which is one of the biggest tricks – to read a person’s mind is to keep learning about communication, personal development, and human psychology. As you learn more about yourself, you learn more about other people. You come to understand what people feel, how we act, and what we think in certain situations. It is crazy how good I am now at digging into someone’s mind and knowing what is going through their mind in a conversation. I know how people react to many statements, the feelings one has during certain moments, and how to shift all this around to make it work for me.

Responsibility Comes with Power – Be Weary of the Dangers of Empathy

There needs to be a word of warning about your mind-reading superpowers. Before you go out and use the magic tricks of mind-reading, a series of techniques that use our innate ability to connect with one another, use your powers wisely. Empathy expert Ickes, with his academic partner Jeffry Simpson, advise people against the surprising dangers of empathy. “Empathic accuracy and understanding can be bad for relationships,” writes Ickes and Simpson in their study Managing Empathic Accuracy in Close Relationships. “While accurate understanding should be good for relationships as a general rule, too much understanding in certain contexts may have deleterious consequences.”

Diagnosing is one such example of a poor application of mind-reading skills, which is discussed in my communication secrets program. We diagnose others when we express people’s intentions. We try to act above others. You can try to mind-read your partner by diagnosing them (“You’re just jealous”, “Why do you always try to argue with me?”, or “Liar, I know what you really mean”) and hurt the relationship as a result of your diagnosis.

As you learn more about communication, you may be tempted to use the communication barrier of diagnosing because you will understand the human mind. Just as a partner in a marriage gets into relationship-trouble by assuming they understand their partner, the same happens when you are overly confident about understanding how our minds work.

The sad thing about diagnosing is its accuracy is irrelevant. Merely assuming or revealing someone’s intentions makes them defensive. Your superpowers and all the tricks you have been given to read someone’s mind that are suppose to connect people together, can separate you from people.

Use your mind powers wisely young Jedi. Know when to get into someone’s head and when to stay out. It is not the power to read another person’s mind that will give you great power with people, for that is a skill we all have; rather, having the skill to keep on understanding people is what will give you power. Understanding is, after all, the purpose of peering into someone’s mind.

(To discover cool mind-tricks used by popular magicians to “wow!” their audiences, click here.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Mind-Lines by Michael Hall and Bobby Bodenhamer
2. The Magical Science of Emotions: Emotional Contagion, Mirror Neurons, and the High Road to Happiness
3. Review of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
4. Review of Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
5. The Greatest 15 Myths of Communication