I’m going to teach you what to say and do to win a fight. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you with this street-wise 15-tip guide to shield yourself from verbal brutality:

1. Use mental rehearsal. Psychologists for years have known the power of rehearsing an event in one’s mind before the real thing takes place. By visualizing a conversation before it occurs, you become strong, stubborn, and unmoving to the faults of another person’s illogical logic.

If you know your spouse will accuse you of always thinking about yourself, shout back a time your partner was selfish. If you know your laziness will be sniped, think of all the times you were busy and overworked. Visualize exactly how you’ll start the conversation and counter-attack their moves to corner the person and guarantee yourself victory.

2. The best defense is the best offense. Keep this in mind at all times. Whenever you’re cornered, vulnerable, and prone to damage, enter rampage mode. The mindset here is to steal the ball from the person’s hands and go hard, doing as much damage as you can to make your initial actions look good.

Did your partner spot you sneaking a peak at that young waiter? Tell your woman you wouldn’t oogle at hot women if she wasn’t so boring. The guilt you’ve established in her will make you the victor.

Did your friend accuse you of stealing his beer? Tell him he shouldn’t be a jerk all the time.

Did your boss catch you snooping around on his laptop? You better put your boss in a defensive position before he can fire you. Tell him to let you go free otherwise you’ll report him for the stash of drugs you placed found in his drawer.

3. Dodge like a butterfly… then sting like a bee. When you must be defensive, get ready to dodge. Change topics if you feel you’re losing the fight. Default phrases to help you slide in another topic for discussion include, “That reminds me… “Speaking of…” “Funny you should say that because…” Laughter is another good tool that releases your tension and shows you don’t care even though you’re collapsing inside.

Politicians are your idols at dodging bullets. Model your favorite evasive politician by slipping in random comments that shift the conversational subject to something you desire to speak more of.

4. Build allies. Not all relationships are bad. Relationships are useful when ally parties join to fight for your cause. Establish an ally of coworkers to single out the problematic coworker. Reinforce your point to a stranger by teaming with friends. Martial arguments can be easily won when the children are on your side. With people comes protection and strength.

5. Generalize, distort, and delete what you hear. Good listening is poison to good relationships. Should you accurately hear what someone says, you might discover the truth and start connecting with the person. Yuck.

It’s best you minimize good listening by manipulating information intake with these three tactics:

1. Generalize. Turn one statement into an overarching belief with exaggerations that disorient your victim. They ask, “Can you do the dishes?” You say: “You always make me do the dishes”, “You never do the dishes”, or “All-the-time you control me”.
2. Distort. Alter what they say so they’re the villain and you’re the victim. They say, “I need you to be home on the weekend.” You say: “You don’t want me to have fun”, “You’re trying hard to make me avoid friends”, or “Man, you hate me”.
3. Delete. Simply skip important information. Ignorance is key here. “To succeed in life,” said Mark Twain, “you need two things: confidence and ignorance.”

6. Be extraneously attentive. Just because you should generalize, distort, and delete information when listening, doesn’t mean you fully ignore someone. It’s best you adhere to what teacher of conscious living Richard Moss said: “The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.” Give people your well-developed attention if you want to win a fight. Your motto here is to “Know more about the enemy than he knows about himself”.

One way to do this is to pick on intricate details that display the person’s imperfection. If you know a girl is insecure about her front teeth, tell her she’s an ugly Bugs Bunny. If a guy mispronounces a word, point it out. If your spouse stumbles over the carpet during an argument, call your uncoordinated other “clumsy”. Be attentive to drill out flaws.

7. Always be right. You’re a perfect human being. Everyone else is a jerk. The moment others learn this, your life will be easy. Until then, you must criticize and complain about other people’s (incorrect) opinions.

Ignore the principle of consistency. You’re not weighed down by past decisions because you’re a clear, rational human being. If other people fail to see how you’re right, it’s because they’re dumb.

If you’re explaining what one plus one equals – and you get it wrong – your job is to contend why one plus one equals a window or how it equals three because of synergistic principles.

8. Never fix a problem you made. Remember, you’re always right, which means whatever you do is how destiny is suppose to play out. Anyone that makes you think otherwise must be verbally stoned. Since there’s no modern day option of a public stoning, you can publicly humiliate them by drawing attention to their faults like how the person has wronged you.

Did your friend accuse you of stealing his girlfriend? It was hardly his girlfriend if she cheated on him. Don’t apologize or amend a mistake because that concedes defeat and makes you look weak. Apologizing has no benefits. It’s in your best interest to leave forgiveness to religious followers.

9. Be your own person never dependent on others. Weak people depend on others, but not you. You’re strong and independent. When you know people are untrustworthy and it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, the only person you can trust is yourself.

If you want something to get done, it’s up to you. Getting other people to do things is slow anyway. Successful, happy individuals like Bill Gates do everything themselves to ensure things get done the right way.

10. Block out emotion. You’re an unemotional being because emotions have thwarted your survival in the past. Darwin would be proud of your unique evolution.

Crazed females, asylum attendees, and the weak are the ones controlled by emotion. Smart people are the best communicators because they communicate with logic. If another person gets emotional, it’s best you feign ignorance as it’s an attempt to derail you from supremacy. The only time you want to be emotional is when you repeat words at a louder volume.

11. Use superior vocabulary. No one can win an argument against you when you pick apart their delusional misconstructions of rationale at present. Slotting in large words within your vocabulary gives you the added benefit of talking longer, making you more likely to convince another person against his or her will.

12. Be respectful only when you’re respected. When you’re verbally punched, break the rules of good relationships. Throw in a low jab then bite the persons ear because their actions justify your retaliation. Only treat people well when they treat you well. Relationships are an Enron investment to be avoided. Minimize your costs in relationships when possible.

13. Advanced name-calling. Children call others names like “Stupid-head” and “Big ears”. You’re more mature. Use degrading terms, but give them a righteous foundation with clear logic. Think through an insult to leave your opponent prone to follow-up attacks.

14. Start a meta argument. You may run dry on ammunition leaving you with little to attack someone. In these desperate times, shift the argument to a meta state by arguing about how they’re arguing.

If they’re slow to respond to a point, use a Major Payne line, “Ta, ta, ta, today junior!” If they don’t change their mind, call them “thick”. If they misunderstand you, tell them they’re “ignorance is laughable”. With this infinite supply of ammo, you’re guaranteed to shoot down your enemy.

15. Walk away. If all the mentioned techniques fail to win you the argument, give up in disgust and walk away. The person is stubborn, not you.

If you hadn’t figured it out already, this article was a fun jab at our bad habits amidst conflict. If you read just one tip nodding your head in agreement and planning your next conquest, your people skills are in need of serious surgery. Please for your own sake, get my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. How to Correctly Apologize
2. The Complete Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process for Compassion, Understanding, and Peace

I purchased Miller’s ebook. Upon opening it, I was surprised to see it was only 95 pages. I got a little angry, expecting more, because so many ebooks on persuasion, conversations, and communication- related subjects are small and contain little value. After finishing the ebook, however, I had received more techniques than some 300-page books I’ve read. Do not judge Miller’s book by its size like I did because you will get many mind control techniques to improve your conversations.

The Elite Social Control system shifts self-focused individuals to their conversational partner to improve the connection. This means the system will specifically help you if you suffer from self-consciousness, nervousness, or generally want people to like you more in conversations for better negotiations, dating, and general social situations.

It is not all mystical mumbo-jumbo. There are mind control techniques you can use that make better use of verbal and nonverbal messages. Your nonverbal communication influences people in the most unusual ways, which Elite Social Control will show you to dominate.

I particularly liked the eight secrets of magnetic statements. Miller teaches you how to make your words hook people into having a great conversation with you. His 13 pieces of advice to avoid repelling statements is just as good. You will learn good conversational etiquette that many people ignore, which I have not read elsewhere. Also, the advice he offers to relax your body language, change your voice, and improve your general image will help you become confident, comfortable, and likable.

While there are many conversation techniques I liked and never knew about, there was the occasional technique I hated because it leads into psychic material. Some people will like this, though I don’t. Regardless of your attitude towards such material, most of the book focuses on proven mind techniques and communication tricks. Many other techniques in the ebook are valuable tools to win people to your way of thinking, have positive conversations, and build solid rapport.

Hamilton also provides 10 magnetic moves and a few nonverbal tricks. As is true for most of the book, you’re given quick-fire techniques that attract people in conversations. “The Non-Analytical Look”, “Elite Gaze”, and “Four Steps to Chain Rapport” are solid tricks to help you in any conversation.

Overall, though it is short, it is concise and powerful. Its size is even beneficial because you can read it within 2-3 hours and quickly refer to it when you need to. If you are interested Hamilton Miller’s Elite Social Control to improve your conversations – for whatever reason – you can download your copy right now and be reading it within minutes by clicking here.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. 14 Social Skills Resources for an Amazing Social Life
2. The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom
3. Review of Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
4. Review of How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes
5. Review of Frogs Into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder

NLP practitioners have a set of rules known as “NLP presuppositions” that form the foundations for the technology. They are beliefs that govern NLP. The presuppositions give you the foundation to understand how you perceive the world and presents you with the opportunity to change your reality. It is not that the presuppositions have been proven, but rather they give us opportunities and freedom to produce for effective living and better communication.

While few people agree on exact NLP presuppositions, the following presuppositions, in no particular order, are the ones I have frequently stumbled upon. They appear to be widely accepted. Though the presuppositions are simple, and hence can appear idealistic, think of how they can be applied to your life to change your reality:

1. The map is not the territory

This could be the most important presupposition to understand. “The map is not the territory” means we are separate from reality. The menu is not the food. The road map is not the city. The map of the world we have in our minds is not the real world.

We short-change ourselves of our full potential when we believe our mental map of the world is the territory we deal with everyday. If you take your assumptions of people’s behaviors, your position in the world, how people perceive you, or anything as reality – when it is merely your mental map painted from abstract understandings – you cheat yourself from what you can become.

Instead of interacting with the world, you interact with your map. How you treat people and yourself is dependent on the map you hold. Your map can be quickly, and more effortlessly, changed than the world it attempts to describe.

2. Every behavior has its appropriate context

You may get angry in sporadic outbursts because it gives you the space you need from people. You may be a passive person because of its benefits, such as the praise you receive from parents and teachers, which make you feel it is a good behavior. You may be scared of snakes because when you were little a snake-bite hospitalized you for two days.

Unfortunately, the behaviors, phobias, and ways to communicate we have learned from experience – that served us well then – limit our potential. We let the past dictate our future. Instead of using old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that served their purpose in old contexts, you need to adapt new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are most beneficial for the present moment and aligned with who you want to become.

3. People already have their needed resources

This is the weakest of the presuppositions. It is has been reinterpreted and misused from its original intention given by Milton Erikson when he said patients in therapy have the resources to handle their present problems, not all problems.

Unfortunately, and fortunately, you are human. While you may have the resources to solve personal problems, it does not mean you are capable of solving them right now. You need to know the resources you have and how to use them. You need to learn the skills, go through the experiences, discover a book, or whatever it may be, to awaken these resources within you.

You already have the ability to visualize, feel, hear sounds, communicate, and experience other sensations. These innate human abilities are the framework for personal change. In this article, and anything I share with you, I hope to give you the ability to use your resources better to create the reality you want in your everyday awakening life by showing you how to put your frameworks to more effective use.

4. Experience has a structure

You have five senses that give you an experience: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. These five senses hold the potential to change your identity and reality. Because your senses give birth to the experiences you live every moment of life, each habit or skill arises from your senses.

Pleasant-filled and pain-ridden experiences each have their own structures that use the five senses. Recurrent painful memories typically are large, bright, and up close. Painless memories of previously painful moments are typically seen in black-and-white, a single frame, and at an objective distance like in a photo – or even possibly combined with humorous music. Knowing the experience you want and understanding the structures that give off the experience, helps you establish an empowering pattern.

5. If one person can do something, anyone can learn to do it

This presupposition is modeling, doing what someone else does. It forms the foundation of NLP where individuals observe successful persons then mimic what makes them successful. Someone who wants similar success to a person they admire are to learn and do what makes the person successful, which leads to their own success. Successful individuals for centuries have modeled successful predecessors.

6. Change what is not working

The old saying, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got” is so true. This presupposition encourages people to stop doing what does not give them the results they want. If you want something new, you have to start doing something new.

It is sick to see parents use unhealthy ways of disciplining their children. Every action by the child gets a consequence placed around it. To the parent’s disbelief, the child continues to push those consequences. The parent thinks it’s the child’s problem, but the parent is too ignorant and stuck in habitual behavior to realize that what he or she is doing is not working.

7. A positive intention exists beneath every behavior

You might yell to be heard. Fight to establish justice. Smoke to feel relaxation. Retreat to feel comfortable. Remain in bed to avoid the pain of what awaits you. These are all positive intentions.

However, a positive intention does not mean the behavior is correct, healthy, or the best option. Rather, knowing a positive intention or fundamental human need exists behind behaviors and communication enables you to act resourcefully. When you see positive intentions, you are more able to separate the problem from the person and update your map.

8. You cannot not communicate

I have come across many people who think it is possible to not communicate. The idea that you cannot communicate is one of the top communication myths.

You always communicate and will always continue to communicate. Your nonverbal communication illustrates the thoughts and feelings inside of you. While your thoughts remain hidden, a snicker in your smile, a wink in your eye, or a sigh of relief communicates a message without you needing to verbalize a message.

9. The meaning of communication is the elicited response

You just gave a brilliant presentation to a board of directors about a new project. Or so you thought. They rejected your idea. Why? There could be many reasons, but the underlying concept I’m painting here is the message received differs to the message sent.

People’s responses show you their meaning of your communication. When you understand the difference between sending communication and receiving communication, you open yourself to intimately understand people. You become aware that people need to verify their understanding of your message, which allows you to adjust future communication with them.

This presupposition encapsulates another NLP presupposition: failure does not exist, only feedback exists. Every piece of feedback you receive is treated as an achievement because it takes you one step closer to what you want. If something does not get you the results you want, it only means you need to correct what you are doing. You need to change what is not working. You will eventually create the reality you want by having the effective flexibility to change.

10. The more choices, the better

The fewer options an individual has, the unhealthier the person. Individuals limited in behavior feel victimized by circumstances that “give no options”. You may consider yourself to be absent of any psychosomatic illness, but there will be unhealthy areas in your life where you feel limited and powerless.

People stuck in negotiations are limited by their constraining choice(s) because choice correlates to power, influence, and change. The more choices you have personally, socially, and professionally, the more control you have over your reality. The better map you develop, the more choices you give yourself to create your desired reality.

11. The mind and body are inseparable

It was previously believed the mind and body are separate entities. Today, researchers, medical experts, and philosophers discover evidence each day about the mind and body influencing one another. Your thoughts and emotions affect your body and vice-a-versa.

Do not underestimate the influence your mind has on your body and the influence your body has on your mind. There is endless amounts of research that proves the strength of the two-way communication between the mind and body. Fields of study now heavily integrate the two entities that once seemed separate.

Body psychotherapy deals with the subconscious mind and body. Your experiences show in parts of your body. One particular example is bottled emotions manifest themselves in pains throughout the body. Emotional pains arise in predictable places over the body. A sore left knee signifies a fear to move forward in life.

Last night, I purged my thoughts and emotions, which remained inside of me for years, to my parents. I woke up the following morning with my worst ever headache. 18 hours later as I write this, I still have a headache, something that has never lasted more than 30 minutes for me.

12. Action develops understanding

Regardless of the number of books you read, people you talk to, or universities you attend, you will not understand what you seek to learn until you do. It is only when you do can you fully comprehend what you intellectualized.

There you have 12 neuro-linguistic programming presuppositions. These presuppositions are given to you as frameworks. They are rules to change your reality. Live by them and soon you will be in a reality that once seemed a dream.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Brian Tracy
2. Change Your Words to Change People: Persuasive Power Words
3. Why Problem Solving Doesn’t Solve the Problem and the Real Solution to Permanent Change

See if you can find a link between the following short scenarios: Your partner leaves the room in anger after another argument; A friend lashes out at you despite you having done nothing wrong; Your children’s constant disobedience makes you extremely frustrated and causes you to yell and do things you regret.

Why do the above scenarios, or similar situations, constantly play out in your life? There are thousands of situations like the ones listed above that all have a common thread. We know there is a better way to handle the situation, but we cannot figure it out. Our emotions often get the better of us as we poorly handle the situation. We know something is wrong and that we can fix it, but how? The answers to these questions and the secret human need I will show you how to fulfill is through a method of communication called “nonviolent communication”, also known as NVC.

An Overview of Nonviolent Communication: Your Key to Compassionate Communication for Shared Understanding

The process I am about to discuss in this article is one created by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. The organization is a nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Rosenberg and a couple hundred other NVC trainers, conduct workshops throughout the world where they teach people their nonviolent communication model. The NVC process has changed millions of people who learned the techniques directly from trainers or Rosenberg’s book, and people who have been fortunate enough to have those trained in the NVC process use the model on them.

If you are after a process that changes a person’s behavior, NVC is not the best one to use. NVC builds a deep intimate relationship and connection with effective communication by satisfying people’s needs. It achieves a level of connection most people never experience. It can be used to change a person’s behavior, but the primary purpose of the process is to help people face what matters with compassion to connect at a very intimate level.

Once you have sufficiently gone through certain steps in the process, then you can use your negotiation skills to persuade the person. If you try to persuade the person upfront before you use NVC, you will often find the person resists you and ignores what you have to say.

When a person disagrees with you, refuses to comply with a request, or is angry at you, a poor communicator tries to firstly express oneself. The person seeks to be understood before seeking to understand. An NVC user, on the contrary, seeks to understand the person, which in turn leads to their own need of being understood. Once you understand others, they will want to understand you.

The commonality amongst the situations I mentioned earlier, and hundreds of situations you experience throughout the week, is people’s desperation to be understood. Your angry partner wants to be understood. Your friend wants to be understood and will have almost zero frustration once you understand. Your children want to be understood, which will naturally compel them to talk with you about intimate issues. Nonviolent communication helps you understand people and have them understand you.

The need to be understood is possibly the greatest unmet human need. Fulfill this need and you will trigger new experiences, intimate sharing, and connect with people at the heart. Thanks to Dan Kennedy, a great marketer that I intently learn from, I came across a quote by Cavett Robert, founder of the National Speakers Association, who said, “Most people are walking around, umbilical cord in hand, looking for a new place to plug it in.” If you can be that “socket” by understanding the person and empathically receiving their needs, you automatically share an electrifying connection with the person. Something about the person will change before your eyes. They will know something deep is going on without knowing what you are doing.

Unfortunately, the majority of people never arrive at this stage of electrifying intimacy. Answer this question truthfully: How many people truly understand you on a frequent basis? Think about the question for some time because it is important to understand understanding.

I ask this not to make you blame others for their failure to understand you, but to show you the scarcity of people who seek to understand. If you are like most people, you will not have one person that frequently and truly understands you in conversations. Few people care about understanding others, which causes themselves to be misunderstood. People who complain that “no one understands me” are constantly misunderstood because they live on a one-way street seeking to receive before they consider giving.

Violence is widespread because one person or group desperately wants to be understood while another party they are in conflict with also wants to be understood. The failure to see each other’s needs means neither gets one’s needs fulfilled. The result is an outbreak of emotional or physical destruction. So much pain in the world is caused by misunderstandings.

The anger and frustration present in everyday situations appears to be irrelevant to deeper issues, yet it is our inability to effectively face conflict that contributes to a global scale of war and hatred. Our everyday wallowing in resentment, frustration, and misunderstandings has as much – but probably greater – impact on peace and love than kind actions. If you cannot resolve your minor nuances in relationships that are suppose to be intimate and love-filled, you cannot expect nations who have hated each other for centuries to resolve major conflicts. To understand another person is a secret of world peace. “Peace cannot be achieved through violence,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “it can only be attained through understanding.”

The nonviolent communication process is a simple once you know the process; though it’s not always a fun slide to ride on because emotional pollution clogs your use of it. With practice, you will become better at NVC and be more successful in your communication and relationships. Over time, provided you continually practice the techniques and polish your skills, you will become excellent at the process.

The Four Step Process

The process has four steps: observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. There are really eight steps, however, because you firstly apply the four steps to the other person, then you apply them to yourself. Remember what I said before about seeking to understand before being understood? The first four stages make you understand people so you can be understood when you apply the four steps on yourself. This is the most critical part of the concept to grasp.

Unless the person is a compassionate communicator, go through the four steps first on the other person otherwise he or she will not listen to you. Use the visualization of a vacuum empathically “sucking up” the person’s communication. Until the person feels “cleaned”, you will be unable to clean yourself. Once you have sucked up the person, and hence understood them, you are then ready to use NVC on yourself.

Most people identify a few problems in firstly focusing on the other person. If you have not identified one of these now, you will as you continue to read about the process. The biggest concern I had with NVC is that you forgo your own needs, concerns, and emotions like anger. NVC prevents destructive expressions of anger and frustration via harmful attitudes and behaviors (think of the sarcastic teenager or the employee who does poor quality work). The process encourages you to express intense emotions – especially anger – in a healthy way that fulfills the underlying need.

At first glance, I understand the model may overwhelm you, but keep at it and reread the pages in this article to refine your ability to understand people and be understood. The NVC process as described in this full article will give you a good idea of what to expect in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program should you want to invest in it. It could be one of the greatest investments you make. Once you know how to understand people and help them understand you, you can mold your relationships however you want. It is time to kick into the first stage: observing.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
2. The Heart of Effective Communication: How to Love People
3. How to Manage Stress in Relationship Communication: Keep Calm with Scientific Stress Management
4. The Benefits of Communication Skills
5. The Greatest 15 Myths of Communication

Our relationships often determine the sweetness of our lives. Just like the great fruit a lemon can be when it compliments other ingredients even when it might not be great with others, so is our relationships filled with the greats, the inevitable negatives, and despised break up.

The lessons I share in this article will not be easy to accept. If you are after tips like “go see a movie with friends” to avoid the dark, deep secrets of working through emotional pain, go read the hundreds of crap articles about this topic over the Internet. The lessons in this article are hardcore. I will show you true mental and emotional strategies to get over your ex so you are ready for independent happiness.

The Uniqueness About Your Situation

Not every break up is the same. Some create intense emotions of sadness, depression, and anger, while others are complete relief. I categorize relationship break ups into three groups:

1. You initiate the break up. This type of break up is the easiest. It will give you fewest troubles. Often the decision will make you happier than being in the relationship.
2. They initiate the break up. This is the hardest type of break up to manage. It is the main focus of this article.
3. Mutual break up. The rarest type of break up where both individuals often care how the other person feels about the decision. The two of you talk the process through and conclude splitting up is the best option. Reasoning, openness, and future plans are common.

When your ex decides to end the relationship, it is like a loved one passing away. Psychologists actually concur that a relationship break up is like experiencing grief. If we contrast grieving with a break up, in both cases you lose someone you loved and you’re unwilling to psychologically let them go.

As with death, break ups are a part of relationships and life. Death is inevitable. Break ups are inevitable. You need to firstly acknowledge relationships end all the time. As simple as that statement appears, do not mistake simplicity for power. Your ego blows personal problems out of perspective causing you to think what is common in the world is unique for you.

We think an ending relationship will be the end of our wellbeing. If you talk to a friend about getting over his or her relationship break up, however, you will not have this ego problem. You will see from a healthy perspective that break ups happen. This strategy is similar to disassociation where you look at your difficulty from an observer perspective. It is the first technique you can use to get over your ex.

You would be unable to experience the wonderful feelings you had with your recent ex if you stayed with your “ex ex”. The same can be said for your future partner. You will be unable to experience the wonderful times and emotions with them if you do not get over your broken relationship. It is as simple as that.

Deciding to get over a break up is often not that clear-cut. Sometimes you undergo a painful recurrent uncertainty when splitting up as you wonder if the two of you are actually apart. This leads us onto the golden rule to get over your ex.

The Golden Rule of Moving On From Your Ex

Once you have truly realized that break ups happen and, more importantly – that they will happen to you – tell yourself the golden rule of getting over a break up. Affirm and reaffirm to yourself, and internalize the belief, that you want to get over your ex. Why is this golden rule important?

Let’s put it this way. How often have you seen someone want to get over a break up yet they are resistant to actually breaking up with the person? It happens too often. You see them caught in the emotional turmoil, a tug-of-war game they can only lose.

What is even worse than being resistant to getting over the person, yet wanting to not get over them, is not being aware of the mental tug-of-war game. The internal conflict leaves you frustrated. You may think you have some weird psychological problem. You will be uncertain about getting back together as you unwilling move on and fail to fully enjoy life. When you want both lifestyles, you achieve neither. Commit to a decision.

If you have a choice to fly to Paris or Sydney, and you hesitate because you want to visit both cities, you will never make a decision and miss out on both cities. There is a Russian proverb that says, “If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.” By not being 100% clear with what you want (this goes for every other goal in life), you achieve little and remain frustrated. You become uncertain of yourself because you never critically think and investigate your feelings and thoughts to know your true desire.

You have to be certain of what you want. Do not destroy the golden rule. Ask yourself questions and be fully aware of what is making you resistant to emotionally releasing yourself from the person. You can ask yourself questions like, “What makes me still attracted to the person?” “Why can’t I get over him/her?” and “Am I just afraid of loneliness?”

Discover the cause of your emotional pain. I cannot emphasize that enough. People are unconscious of their emotional awareness in a break up and never know why they experience pain. Conduct an “investigation” making it your goal to discover as much about yourself as possible. Gather as much information about yourself from self-talk and other people to solve “the crime”.

(To additionally help you overcome this problem, I recommend you check out an article I have written titled “1. Principle of Influence: Commitment and Consistency” to discover a powerful influence that makes you stay in an unhappy relationship.)

You Can Decide What is Right

Maybe you are still uncertain of whether you should break up. There are simple actions you can take to see whether a break up is the better option.

Do not worry about going to university and studying a degree in psychology to understand when you’re in a bad relationship. There are clues you’re probably already aware of that hint your relationship is more like a lemon than lemonade. Ask yourself these practical questions:

• Are you and the other person feeling the same emotions as you were at the start of your relationship?
• Do the two of you share the same important values like religious beliefs?
• How often do you communicate with one another?
• When you do communicate, what things do you talk about?
• Do you enjoy being together?
• Do you perceive being single in a better light than being in a relationship?
• What causes the two of you to fight? Little things that show hostility or big problems like an affair?
• Do you have a fear of hurting the person? Why are you putting yourself through misery in not wanting to hurt the person?
• Are you in the relationship because of guilt or love?

Ask other people what they see and think about your relationship with the person. Take their opinions into account. Do not base your decision solely on what they think because the most important factor is how you feel.

Most women in bad relationships remain in them because they would rather be in a bad relationship than be alone. They feel comforted in awful relationships. They see married couples and envy their relationship. The thoughts about getting back together or just finding any guy then start racing through their mind.

Another common reason for remaining in a bad relationship is love. Are you using the excuse that your feeling of “love” is keeping you from breaking up? Love is an intoxicating emotion. It is blinding. Even if you think you still love the person, ask yourself the many questions above. The questions act as objective judges to the situation; contrasted to your subjective emotion of love that intoxicates your understanding of the situation.

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) teaches that people often fail to distinguish between various emotions. For example, excitement can be misunderstood as fear. How do you know that you feel love? Does your answers to the above questions sound like love to you? What specific events let you know you are in love? What physical responses do you have that let you know there is no love? Asking yourself these questions will make it crystal clear whether you really do experience love.

Even if you are sure you love the other person (remembering to be thinking objectively about this with the questions asked), love alone is not a good indicator of a good relationship. Love is not a relationship; it is an emotion. Without other aspects like time, happiness, and communication, what you feel is love does not comprehend a healthy relationship. Do not become intoxicated by affection, attraction, or love.

Remember that relationships can be repaired, of course, so do not conclude that you should break up just because things are sour at the moment. If you still have a relationship with this person where you can communicate, talk things over with your partner in a safe environment. Even if you are certain the relationship is over, ask yourself the list of above questions to reinforce your thoughts to fight away “what ifs” and “maybes” you might have in getting back with your ex.

Emotional Baggage Holds You Back

Emotional baggage occurs when you carry emotions from one relationship to another, much like you would carry a backpack as you travel from one destination to another. You carry it around because you fail to let go or you fear reliving emotional pain. It is easy to carry emotional baggage from one relationship to the next.

People protect themselves all the time in new relationships by withholding their full emotional selves from the relationship. They say things like, “I don’t want to get hurt again”, “I’m still hurting”, or “I’m not over it.”

There is no denying you can be damaged when you place trust in someone, yet holding yourself back makes you miss out on the joyful rewards of an intimate relationship. You forgo the risk of being hurt again when you protect yourself, but you also miss out on full happiness with your partner.

You do not have to quickly “dive into” a relationship. Solid relationships build over time. You can “dip your toes” into the relationship and gradually, but surely, immerse yourself. Gradually drop your emotional baggage onto the ground. Doing so will ensure you experience full intimacy that otherwise was unachievable with emotional baggage.

Take the Lessons with You

I am a firm believer that every person can learn a lesson from almost every person and situation. A relationship break up is no exception. You can learn vital lessons and experience personal growth instead of personal decay from your difficulty.

Your main goal in relationships is finding your perfect partner. Someone you can share love and feel connected in unison. You cannot achieve this with emotional baggage and failing to learn from your mistakes. It makes perfect sense to learn from a break up. I know you want to progress forward and find your ultimate partner; instead of remaining stuck in an old relationship where you waste time, intense emotions, and energy.

It is too easy to find the negative to strengthen negative beliefs instead of looking for the positive in a break up. This mindset is damaging as it causes a chain reaction of negative building on negative until you are completely emotionally unavailable. The negative reinforcement prevents you from becoming smarter and stronger for future relationships.

To learn from your experience, I recommend you take responsibility for what occurred. In many break ups, each person blames the other. Rarely is one person mutually agreed to have caused the split. Take responsibility and do not play the blame-game.

I can almost guarantee you did something seriously wrong in the relationship, which contributed to the break up – you just may be unaware of your contribution due to a lack of knowledge. Maybe you do not know how attraction works, how to effectively listen to your partner, or how to assert yourself to address a problem that concerns you. Can you see the powerful role you may have played in the break up?

It is important to know that getting over a break up is more than moving on; it involves learning from your past for a better future by accepting responsibility for what occurred. Look at the situation as a experience to learn from in your journey towards finding your ultimate partner.

Express It

There are many things you can do to get over a relationship break up, but one of the most important things to do is to have a support group. For most girls this will come easy. For guys, it will be difficult because society makes us think we are not masculine if we talk about our emotions.

If you are female, you can communicate to your closest friends and talk to your parents or brothers and sisters – provided these people will listen to help you get through this difficult time. Let them know you are only after a listening ear to avoid having them turn into an amateur psychologist (a term I use in my communication secrets program to describe a person’s inclination to judge and project solutions). By letting them know you want them to only listen, they will be more willing to “absorb” the pain you feel. You want a support person or group not for relationship advice, but to help you express yourself and feel your emotions.

As for guys, you can use the same principles, but chances are you will not want to talk to your guy friends about the break up. Remember that if it’s not expressed, it’s repressed. You need to have a support group or at least a support person. You will find that accepting your emotions and expressing them will allow you to heal. (If you are a guy, and simply want to get your girlfriend back, there is a good guide here.)

How to Move on From Pain: An Exercise to Heal You Now

By this stage we have clearly defined what you do and do not want to remove the confusion often created by a broken relationship. You have also learned about love, how to release emotional baggage, the importance of learning from the past, and how to safely express your pain.

Naomi Eisenberger, a University of California neuroscientist, discovered that the feeling of rejection in a break up switches on the same part of the brain as physical pain. The anterior cingulate receives an intense boost in activity. This is why a break up can be very painful. A punch in the nose is as threatening, according to your brain, as rejection in a break up.

Physical pain can be cured by a doctor. However, does a doctor actually heal your wounds? No. The doctor helps your body get into a state of healing so it can heal itself.

The pain you experience from the past is irreversible. There is nothing you can do about it. You need to put your mind and body into a state that allows it to heal itself. One way to achieve this is time, but I am sure you do not want to waste ten years of your life in pain.

Another option is seeing a therapist. Should you choose a therapist? It is up to you. There is no shame in therapy. All therapy works for different people in different situations. Even no therapy is therapy because time itself is therapeutic.

Before you decide to spend thousands of dollars on someone who will listen to your problems, I want you to do this exercise. The exercise I am about to share with you is powerful because it does not change the content of your experience. Your experience has happened. You cannot change it. What the exercise does change is the process. The exercise changes the attributions you make to the past and future.

Think of a pleasant experience or imagine a pleasant experience you would like to have in the future. See the image. As you see the image, make it larger. Make the image bigger, brighter, and clearer. Take your time as you see the image increase in size. Step into the image as if you were living it from a first person view. As the image changes, notice how you feel.

After you have done that, move the image in the opposite direction. Take your time doing the exercise. Gradually make the pleasant image smaller, dimer, unclear, and distant from you. Step out of the image as you observe yourself in the situation. Again, as the image changes, notice how you feel.

Once you have done that little exercise, how did you feel when the image is bright and large in size? How did you feel when the image was small, dim, and far away from you? Most people experience intense emotions when they see a bright, large image in first person. On the contrary, they experience little emotion when they see a small, dim, distant image. You can probably see how this will help you move on from a break up or any painful memory.

If you make unpleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making pleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling miserable! On the other hand, if you make pleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making unpleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling happy! Apply this concept to your relationships. Your unpleasant images are the break up movies you continually play in your mind, while your pleasant images are pleasurable events. (If you’re trying to forget good memories with your ex, you can make the images dim.)

Shrink the unpleasant images. See the images move away from you. Next, intensify the pleasure you want. Constantly feel, think, see, and even touch and smell pleasurable images. See yourself touch your wonderful surroundings. Imagine yourself with a big smile. Feel the joy within yourself. Think how great it will be to have overcome your break up. You will be able to get over your relationship much faster by intensely imagining your desired five senses.

It is Time to Make You Your World

Unfortunately for many people, their relationships determine their level of happiness. They do not burst with joy and happiness when single. When they are in a sour relationship, they become sour. It is a dependency trap. This neediness eventually deteriorates the relationship and scares away their partner.

Many individuals desperately want a partner. They think the person will solve personal problems like boredom, unhappiness, and feeling unattractive. If a person goes into a relationship like this, he or she will destroy it.

If you do not have a great single life where you wonder how to fit a relationship in, I question whether you should be in a relationship. You need to become your own source of energy and be in control of your emotions instead of being dependent on others for things like comfort, happiness, and emotional security. This view is the opposite perspective to a time-consuming, miserable, codependent relationship.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make a big change in your life right now. You could work harder to get a promotion, exercise, read self-help books, take a new course, socialize more often, or go out with friends. You need to create a single life where you are happily busy and question whether you want a relationship with someone. Such a great single life will attract a future partner for you.

I believe a break up can be one of the greatest things to happen to a person if they are aware of the potential held in the moment. Learn from the break up. If splitting up encourages you to undergo a lot of self-help, the change can excite you.

When life throws you a lemon with a bad relationship, do not try and divulge the lemon. Look at the lemon from a different perspective to see you can make lemonade. You may feel bitter right now, but follow the advice in this article and you will look at a break up from a more empowering perspective. Soon, you may even wonder why you were in a relationship because single life can be so great.

(If you are reading this article, single because of your recent break up, feeling a sense of depression, and still want to get back with your ex, pay attention to what I’m about to share with you before your ex finds someone else. For a full course to get back with the person you love, I highly recommend guys get this course while girls read and get this course.)

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5. Finding the Art of Forgiveness: How to Forgive and Be Forgiven

As I drove, the open car park gave me an invitation to have a little fun with my car. If landscapes could talk, this one was whispering into my ear that I should spin the wheels. “Besides, it’s late at night. No one is around and you’re feeling great. It’s an open car park with no danger. Do it!” Like a vulnerable teenager succumbing to peer pressure, I accepted the invitation.

The car became an extension of my body as it began to mimic my ecstatic mood. I put my foot down hard on the accelerator as I spun the wheel left around the first corner. As the rear tires lost their stability and the car went side-ways, I entered the next turn and spun the wheel right. The sound of screeching tires was water fertilizing my increasing smile. Smoke filled the rims of my tires and a shot of adrenaline filled my body.

Following the two consecutive drifts, I straightened the car and approached a set of traffic lights on the main road that would take me home. Had this been during the daytime, about seven cars would be in front of me before the upcoming traffic lights.

My friend who had left before me had passed through the traffic lights three seconds ago so the lights were still green. Keeping in the mood, I put my foot down on the accelerator to catch the green light. I would safely make it. I turned around the corner with a soft screech of the tires. 20 meters in front of me on the side of the road were two police officers beside their vehicle. Lucky me.

The police pulled me over. Opposite to what you might be thinking, I was not concerned. I was still in my elevated state. I smiled. I wound down my window and an angry officer came charging at me, yelling, “What the hell are you thinking? What the hell is going through your mind?” I paused momentarily, unaffected by his aggressive state. I said smilingly, “I’m just happy, I guess.” Not a smart response. Not a smart response at all.

It hit me I was out of it. I knew I should have said something else. I gulped. My mind rushed to think of some communication techniques I could use as a life boat to save me from drowning in the conversation. The moment was intense and all that came to mind were some techniques on getting out of a speeding-ticket. I thought to myself that I will give the techniques a shot. I had annoyed the officer enough. Surely it couldn’t get worse.

As I was thinking how to approach this difficult situation, I was still happy. My happy mood seemed to pour fuel on his already raging fire. “Bloody hell mate! I could just give you a ticket right now!” My smile began to lower. I no longer made eye contact with the officer. The officer’s raging mood began to infect me. He was making me feel angry. It was as if my body was overcome by an emotional virus from the officer who was the virus’ host.

I thought of the techniques to get out of a speeding-ticket and realized I was already beginning to use them. It was too late to make the officer feel safe as he approached the car, but I needed to no longer act oblivious to my mistake. I needed to show respect as officers are in a clear position of authority and often experience disrespect throughout their day that only makes them more determined to convict guilty citizens. “You’re right,” I replied. “I was stupid and careless.”

The officer was still enraged and continued to threaten me with a ticket. I knew he could easily write me a ticket, but he was not writing one possibly because officers hate the paperwork created from citizens breaking the law. I kept myself aligned with the officer’s reality by remaining in a “Yes I’m wrong, stupid, and shouldn’t have done that” mood. I continued to play psychological judo, and match my mood with his own, until two minutes later he said to drive away. And oh, no ticket!

I drove off – though feeling pleased I had beaten a reckless driving ticket – in an irritated state. The officer had destroyed my happy mood. It took two minutes of talking with the officer to completely transform my happy state into a joyless, gloomy mood, which I remained in for another two hours until I went to bed.

Emotional Contagion: When Two Minds Infect One Another

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou, poet and actress

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.” – Mark Twain, highly quoted writer

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.” – Anonymous

“I am involved in all of mankind.” – John Donne, 16th century poet

My story I described is probably a perfect depiction of your reality with emotions. Everyday you interact with people in different moods. Sometimes you are happier than people; other times they are happier than you. Whatever the case, emotions transfer between people. This is a fascinating peculiarity with emotions. Have you ever noticed how we feel in our interactions is not only dependent on our internal state?

• How did you feel when someone really annoyed began talking to you? You became more annoyed.
• How did you feel when someone unhappy began talking to you? You began to be unhappy.
• How did you feel when a depressed person shared their misery with you? You felt depressed and miserable.
• How did you feel when a charismatic person talked to you? You felt his energy and you began to feel happier.

Psychologists call this phenomena “emotional contagion”. It is a psychological and physiological process – a transference of emotion that can occur from mimicking body language. Elaine Hatfield, a professor at the University of Hawaii, in a study with John Carlson and Christopher Hsee, had college students watch a videotape of a man describe two very emotional experiences: his life’s happiest and saddest events. While the college students watched the tape, they were taped so the researchers could record the students’ emotional responses. The students were also asked what feelings they experienced for each story at the end of the video.

The researchers found that students showed and expressed the recorded person’s emotions. The student’s felt happy when they watched the man describe his happiest event. The students felt sad when they watched the man describe his saddest event.

Hatfield and her two colleagues, John Cacioppo and Richard Rapson, in their co-authored book Emotional Contagion, say the psychophysiological phenomena occurs from automatically matching facial expressions, vocalics, postures, and movements. Hatfield says, “People tend to experience emotions consistent with the facial, vocal, and postural expressions they adopt.”

When you empathetically listen to a friend, true empathy puts you in their shoes to experience the discussed events. The friend describes an argument with an ex-partner, the yelling, the misunderstandings. You can vividly see what your friend talks about. The experience lets you feel the pain your friend feels. Well-known psychologist Albert Bandura says the shared experience results in a shared feeling. That is the price of listening: not only can you catch a cold, but you can catch an emotional cold.

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Richard Bandler and John Grinder are co-founders of NLP. 30 years ago they were making discoveries on human communication still being realized by today’s public. Their knowledge and understanding on the topic comes from decades of experience and modeling expert communicators so you can expect an in-depth discussion on human communication and behavior within the book.

Frogs Into Princes is a transcript from a live seminar conducted by the Bandler and Grinder. Because the seminar was for therapists, most of the techniques’ applications are discussed in a therapist-patient scenario. Therapists and psychologists will find the applications of the techniques extremely useful for improving therapeutic communication with patients.

The book is divided into three main sections, which were presented on three separate days at the seminar:

1. Sensory Experience: Representational Systems and Accessing Cues
2. Changing Personal History and Organization: Anchoring
3. Finding New Ways: Reframing

The first section was possibly the first ever discussion on accessing cues. If you’ve seen a movie where an investigator knows the suspect is lying because of the suspect’s eye movements, you’ve seen the basics of accessing cues. It is more complex than simply observing eye movements because the way we access information is dependent on the questions asked, but the first section reveals this fascinating aspect of human communication.

Representational systems involves the language used in communication and matching the person’s representational system to build rapport. It involves amazing awareness of someone’s body language and appropriately adjusting your own body language to create rapport with people. Matching a person’s representational system is an effective, underused technique to migitate conflict.

The anchoring section deals with classical conditioning and learning to associate certain actions, mostly kinesthetic, to evoke specific emotions and thoughts. The extreme basics of the technique involves touching someone while getting him or her to elicit specific emotions. When you touch the person in the same manner at a later time, they will experience the same emotions when you first touched the person. (That is a very brief description of anchoring. If you try it based on what I told you, it will likely be ineffective.) The section mostly discusses anchoring in the context of overcoming fear in therapy, but it can be easily used in relationships, healing painful memories, negotiations, sales, leadership, and seduction. The application for every technique discussed is diverse.

The last section of Frogs Into Princes gives an exact formula for reframing. The neuro-linguistic technique of reframing involves changing the way you see an event to change its meaning. I have found it to be one of the greatest techniques for overcoming fears and having unstoppable confidence for myself and other people I’ve helped. I feel reframing is a must-have technique for any person who is interested in getting past problems and obtaining the most out of life.

You would think that because the book is a transcript, the language used would be easy to understand, like the simple language used in face-to-face communication, but it isn’t. This is the greatest downfall of the book. Most parts of the book are difficult to understand because of the terminology used so a lot of “newbie” communicators will struggle to get the most out of the book. (This is true for just about all books on NLP. Nonetheless, Frogs Into Princes successfully covers the foundations of NLP if you can get past its complex terminology.)

Even I found myself rereading some sections five times to understand what was being said. I found the sections to loop into each other, however, where the understanding of certain parts were clearly understood in later sections. Don’t get caught up in understanding everything immediately because you’ll likely figure it out later on while reading the rest of the book.

If you don’t mind more “complex” reads or you think your communication skills are pretty advanced, then you’re sure to get a lot out of this book and I recommend it for you. The last time I checked, the book was out of print, but fortunately it is still made available to you in quality second-hand copies via Amazon. Once you get your copy, hold on to it. You’ll see it as a valuable addition to your personal development and communication library. You can grab your copy of Richard Bandler and John Grinder’s Frogs Into Princes from Amazon by clicking here today.

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3. Review of Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins
4. Review of Mind-Lines by Michael Hall and Bobby Bodenhamer
5. Review of Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer

You’ve been to told to see the glass half full, but how do you do it? How can you reinterpret worries, fears, disagreements, interpersonal conflict, anger, and misunderstandings, for example, to empower you, instead of disempower you? L. Michael Hall and Bobby G. Bodenhamer’s Mind-Lines will show you exactly how with the magical neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) technique of reframing that shows a new way of living through interpretation.

How you interpret events determines how you feel and the quality of your relationships. Most people, unfortunately, use harmful interpretations. A father sees his son watch television while laying on his bed. The father gives his son’s behavior a meaning of “laziness”. As a result, the father starts criticizing his son out of the lazy frame. There’s another father and son in the same scenario. This other father gives his son’s behavior a meaning of “relaxation” then lets him be.

The premise of reframing is the world has no meaning by itself. What you see around you means nothing until you give it meaning. “By mind-lines we refer to the lines (the linguistic constructions) that we connect and associate to things that create meaning formulas,” write Hall and Bodenhamer. “By the changing of meaning, our emotions change, as do our behaviors, habits, moods, attitudes, skills, health, etc. and our life.” You become empowered to transform your world when you see that you give “reality” its meaning.

Each of us has what the authors call a “map”. Our map is our understanding of reality that provide us with a direction in this world. The map is only a construct of reality (a NLP presupposition); it’s not reality itself. Mind-Lines will have you analyze your map, see its many faults, then help you construct a healthier one for your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. The same lines used on yourself can be used in your communication with others to change their behaviors, habits, moods, attitudes, skills, health, and life.

In the fifth edition of Mind-Lines exists 26 reframing techniques. These 26 reframes are conceptualized in the meta-model, a model introduced in part one of the book to illustrate how the reframing methods fit together. I found myself overwhelmed at the beginning of the book as the first of four parts focuses on the meta-model theory of reframing. Once I finished reading part one, however, I realized the foundational material gave me the framework to understand and more easily use the 26 reframes discussed in part two.

When you read this book, if you have a similar experience, don’t let this small hurdle block you from experiencing the book’s power. The majority of the book will be understandable for everyone. It will just take more time than your average self-help book to read.

It is a practical book. All 26 reframes get applied to six specific statements plus many additional statements scattered throughout the chapters. The authors encourage the reader to try each reframe on the six provided statements, then compare one’s answers to the authors’ answers. I encourage you to apply your limiting beliefs to each reframing technique to feel the magic of instant change in how you view your problems.

To give you an idea of how reframing is used and the power it possesses, I’ll give you an example of positive prior intention framing, the eighth reframe. The foundation under positive prior intention framing is that every behavior has a positive intention behind it. Even hurtful behaviors contain a hidden positive intent, which you sometimes must dig for to discover. A positive intention reframe in response to, “I hate it when you treat me badly” could be, “It’s good to hear that you want to be treated well. What can I do to treat you better?” This is a drastic and powerful change to a reply of, “I DON’T treat you badly! You’re the one who is mean to me!” that most people would use.

Here’s an example of criteria and values framing, the fourteenth reframing technique. This reframing techniques puts into perspective what the person deems important. You give people, or yourself, motive to change. A criteria and values reframe in response to, “You’re rude for not washing the dishes” could be, “When you tell me I’m rude for not washing the dishes, it hurts me which makes me feel bad about our relationship. Is our relationship more important than the dishes? If so, would you prefer to tell me about the need to do the dishes without hurting our relationship?” What a wonderful example of reframing a person’s behavior.

Another interesting aspect of the book is something called a “meta-state”, a term that describes a state about a state. For example, you can be angry about being stressed. Our meta-states get multi-layered and confusing. Let’s say you experience guilt from hurting your partner. You then wrap the guilt with anger by becoming angry about the guilt. The anger leads to depression about the anger. The methods in this book allows you to overpower “lower levels” with “higher levels” that give you more productivity, efficiency, a better mood, relieve stress, and generally anything else that is beneficial for you.

I have experienced the NLP technique of reframing in changing my behaviors, moods, and fears – as well as helping other people change themselves – more powerful than other NLP techniques like the swish pattern. Knowing how to reframe is a skill for life you can use anywhere at anytime to improve something about yourself or another person. The book is helpful for your personal development and relationships with everyone as it changes everyone’s perception of reality. Mind-Lines is a great book that teaches a great technique.

The six pages straight after the preface titled “Mind-lining a Toxic Idea”, is worth a thousand times the book itself. I say this with confidence that reading those six pages will change your life. In those six pages, the 26 reframing techniques are applied to “failure”. The word “failure” will be eliminated from your life for good if you apply the simple reframes – but it doesn’t stop there. The reframes will not only cancel limiting feelings and thoughts towards failure, but the reframes transform the concept of failure into a power energy source for better behavior, mood, skills, and health. Is living a life absent from seeing yourself as a failure important to you? Imagine the happiness and success you would experience when failure isn’t even a concept in your life? (Notice the reframes I just used.)

To finish this in-depth review, I want to use the mind-line of story-telling. There was a poor illiterate man who lived isolated in the woods. One day while walking through the woods he stumbled across a piece of paper. It was written in Chinese with a few strange diagrams he couldn’t understand. Because of his confusion, he threw away the paper. Years later, a few Chinese tourists were visiting the area and found the same object. With a scream of excitement, the tourists realized they had accidentally stumbled upon an ancient Chinese document. The tourists later sold their discovery to a collector for a large amount of money.

The map is your understanding of reality. It can give you more things than wealth if you pay attention to it. Learn to alter your map to empower yourself to change your own, and other people’s behaviors, habits, moods, attitudes, skills, and health. I know you want what is best for yourself and your relationships, so I recommend you grab a copy of Michael Hall and Bobby Bodenhamer’s Mind-Lines: Lines for Changing Minds. The little price of the book is nothing when you consider that everything you experience in this world depends on how you frame it. You can grab your copy of the book now from Amazon by clicking here today.

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2. Review of Frogs Into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder
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4. Review of Elite Social Control by Hamilton Miller
5. Review of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers

If you haven’t heard of Anthony (Tony) Robbins, you are one of few people unfamiliar with the personal development giant. Anthony Robbins is undoubtedly the world leader in life coaching. He has become the face of self-help and motivation – though he does not like being categorized as a motivational speaker because he does much more than motivate people.

Awaken the Giant Within starts off with a powerful chapter on decisions. Robbins says there are decision-making points in your life that drastically shape your destiny. Whether it is getting a new job, reading a book, or deciding to converse with that one person who turned out to be your future partner, this first chapter will have you realize the power of these decisions.

Additional chapters will have you plan your values, adjust your beliefs, and change your everyday use of questioning and vocabulary to get you where you want to be. These adjustments are made to maximize the pleasure and minimize the pain. Robbins says we often fail to create values, beliefs, and other components that make up our identity in a way that uses the principle of pain and pleasure. Nearly everyone desires to be successful, but the pleasure of success gets smashed down from the pain of rejection or criticism needed to achieve success. I felt this is where the book’s heart and power is at.

Some people have categorized Awaken the Giant Within as a basic neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) book, but it is much more. Parts of Robbins’ book is dedicated to NLP, though the book draws on many areas of psychology, neurology, and behavioral science to provide an outline that empowers you to take control of your life – without the jargon many NLP books contain.

The self-help giant reveals techniques to remove phobias, master your emotions, eliminate bad habits like smoking, shape your values, and create new references for increased confidence. You need to read it if you want control over behaviors that shape your destiny.

The only downfalls of the book, which other people have noticed, is the wordiness and promotional content in the book. These two problems to me though are nothing in contrast to the power of the lessons contained in the book. A few extra hours of reading is definitely worth it if you can gain more control of your life. If you were to only read the 500-page book for guidance on how to use pain and pleasure, you would control your behaviors and create your future. To me, the principles of pain and pleasure were the book’s strongest point.

I took over five pages of A4 notes and have begun implementing in everyday action what I discovered. I am changing my vocabulary to control my emotions, redirecting my point of focus to something empowering, making pain and pleasure work for me instead of against me, and breaking miserable states so I am happier than ever. This was made easier by the seven day plan given at the end of the book, which will have you implement the lessons in previous chapters.

Awaken the Giant Within is a simple though powerful read. Because Anthony Robbins authored the book, that should be enough reason by itself to get you reading it. Grab your copy of the book now from Amazon by clicking here.

Update: To learn simple NLP techniques that help you create success and gain rapport with people, Anthony Robbins’ other book Unlimited Power: The New Science Of Personal Achievement is a brilliant read. He covers internal representations, physiology, energy, role models, and more to guide you towards success. Get both great books.

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1. Review of Frogs Into Princes by Richard Bandler and John Grinder
2. Review of Mind-Lines by Michael Hall and Bobby Bodenhamer
3. Review of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
4. On Achieving Goals – Part 2: How to Be Self-Motivated
5. Review of Elite Social Control by Hamilton Miller