30 years before that on November 18th, 1978, 909 people drank Flavor-Aid mixed with cyanide and valium. The group knew death was imminent. They were members of a cult reportedly persuaded by their leader to drink the poison. Known as the Jonestown incident, this is one example of multiple ritual suicides committed by cult members.

What kind of power can convince people – from frightened teenagers to large groups of adults – to do something as extreme as ending their own lives? History is rife with examples of people behaving in stupid ways due to an idea put into their mind. From joining the Nazi party and being convinced to kill innocents, to joining a cult and giving up all worldly possessions, it seems the human mind is more easily “brainwashed” than we like to think.

The examples are not always extreme. If you have bought something you didn’t want that much, found yourself agreeing to something unpleasant, or changed your opinion after talking to somebody, you experienced how your mind can be influenced by others. 2300 years ago, Aristotle described the mind as an “unscribed tablet” – something easily shaped and written upon by others. We have always wondered how to brainwash people.

Aristotle described the mind as an ‘unscribed tablet’ – something easily shaped and written upon by others.

The fascination with techniques to put an idea into someone’s mind permeates our popular culture too. In the movie Inception, the main character played by Leonardo DiCaprio possesses a rare skill – he can enter the dreams of others then learn their secrets. His team is hired to appear in the dreams of Robert Fischer Jr. to plant a simple idea – the thought of breaking up then selling his father’s business empire. The assumption is a person’s mind can be altered from within, bringing him to believe the idea was his own.

If you’re like, you can’t enter people’s dreams. The core idea behind Inception rings true. The examples described show the destructive power of the brainwashing techniques you’re about to discover. Use these techniques to brainwash people, responsibly and ethically. Positive brainwashing can do anything from impress people at parties to make your relationships better.

Imagine what you could do if you were able to plant ideas inside people’s minds. You might be offered a job, a large sum of money, or a date. Those awkward disagreements could easily come to an end if you were able to change another’s mind, while they believe they thought of the solution themselves. How do you put an idea into someone’s mind? Read on.

Priming to Brainwash People: Secrets to Suck Money Out of Wallets

Primarily used by hypnotists and publicized by TV “psychological magician” Derren Brown, priming involves suggesting an idea at a level the other person is not consciously aware of. If you give someone a list of the words “chicken”, “dog”, and “pet”, then ask them to think of a word that rhymes with “hat” they’re likely to answer “cat”. Their mind is primed to think of animals.

Derren Brown often fools participants into believing he telepathically guesses which item or card they think of, when he has in primed them to think of a specific item. Let him play with you. Watch the video below to try this brainwash experiment to see if he can put his idea into your mind:

Watched it? Only then read on.

To bring the 3 of diamonds to mind, he makes a diamond shape with his hands while telling participants to “visualise the card in your mind” and hits three points in the air when asking them to “clearly see the numbers on the card”. When he pulls out the 3 of diamonds and asks, “Is this the card you were thinking of?” the majority of participants seem shocked.

Priming is used in advertising. Studies show that exposure to food advertisements increase the amount people eat that day. When you think about all the messages and images you receive every day, you start to realize how marketing companies prime us to spend. This can work in other ways: exposure to messages about old age cause people to walk more slowly, and people asked to recite the Ten Commandments before a task become much less likely to cheat. Getting somebody to think along certain lines can influence the decisions they make later.

Here’s a great party trick: prime your participant’s mind to think of yellow items. Do this by talking about or pointing out something yellow, wearing a yellow shirt, or perhaps humming the tune to “Yellow Submarine”. You can be creative. Ensure your tactics are not too obvious. A few minutes later, tell a third friend in the conversation you can guess what fruit your primed friend will say. Tell your primed friend to name the first fruit that comes to mind. Because of the yellow priming, the chances are he or she will think then say “banana”.

…exposure to messages about old age cause people to walk more slowly.

Prime somebody into being more agreeable by beginning a conversation with questions that generate a lot of “yes” responses. “The weather’s nice today, isn’t it?” and other yes-inducing questions make somebody more likely to say yes to your suggestion.

If you want to plant an idea involving money (for example, you want a pay raise), it is better to prime the person for empathy and kindness, as thinking about money automatically makes people less inclined to share their wealth. Instead, get them thinking about their social connections and their pride in their own generosity by asking them about their family or hobbies.

Word Ambiguity and Embedded Commands to Put an Idea into Someone’s Mind

The sentence “You might have decided by now” seems innocent enough until you realize it contains the command “buy now”. A method used by therapists and salespeople alike is embedding commands in seemingly innocuous sentences.

Imagine you are trying to win over a person you want to date. “You, like me, have an interest in cars,” contains the embedded command ‘like me’, while placing emphasis on certain words can also have the effect of highlighting your hidden message – e.g. “I’m not sure what you want to do, but I’m going to go out for a cigarette, if you’d like to come with me.”

These techniques, in essence, rely on clever wordplay. If you’ve ever fallen for a joke or misheard a song lyric, you’ll know how easily certain phrases can be misinterpreted. Using ambiguity in your speech can subtly convey a message without directly saying it. There are several types of ambiguous sentences, such as “I had to greet guests” / “I had two Greek guests”, (phonological) or “Woman, without her man, is nothing” / “Woman: without her, man is nothing.” (structural).

NLP practitioners and hypnotists often pronounce sentences in ambiguous ways to change their patients’ way of thinking. Think of any combination of words that sound similar, and how you could slip a hidden message into a seemingly innocent sentence. Something as innocent as “Let’s have a cup of proper tea” could bring the idea of property into a person’s head; perfect if you want somebody to consider moving house.

Watch Derren Brown plant the idea of a BMX bike into Simon Pegg’s head (with an overlay explanation of what he is doing):

How to Brainwash People by Being Incomplete

If you offer an idea to someone on a plate, the chances are they will reject it. People like to believe they are clever. We cling to ideas we believe are ours and reject ideas pushed on us from the outside. The trick is to convince the person your idea is actually theirs. This is a common technique in sales and advertising; images of attractive women wearing perfume do not tell you that buying the perfume will make you more attractive, but the pieces are there for your brain to put together.

To plant an idea in someone’s mind and have them believe it was their own, lay clues without being too obvious. It’s like Dale Carnegie’s advice to praise features in someone you want to bring forth.

If you are impatient, you will give yourself away; this is something that needs to be done over time. If you are trying to choose holiday destinations and your partner is set on Europe while you dream of Hawaii, you could occasionally mention a crime that has happened in Europe or comment on how expensive you’ve heard it is there. To promote your own idea, there are a lot of things you can do without mentioning Hawaii.

One way is to play dumb. Suggest it would be great if you could go somewhere with great beaches and cocktails, but without the stress of having to exchange your dollars. If you do this effectively and not too obviously, your partner might come to the conclusion themselves.

Once they think themselves smart for working it out, it will become “their” idea. They will be more attached to the idea. For extra effect, leave a picture of a tropical beach lying around. They might not consciously notice it, but the picture will take root in their mind and start to grow.

It is possible to pretend a person previously mentioned something – frame your idea with something like “As you were saying before…” or “I’m sure it was you who told me …” Even if they have no memory of saying this, a positive or wise statement you attribute to them can be too tempting to pass up. Many people assume they must have said it at some point, and begin to claim ownership and feel pride over the idea.

This method can also be used to give advice. If you have a friend who never takes your advice, you may be telling him or her what to do. Rather than giving instructions, ask leading questions to lay out the pieces. It might be obvious to you they need to ask for a pay raise at work. You could ask, “Have you thought about what you might do to earn more money?”

The pay raise solution will come to them in something of a eureka moment, at which point you smile and congratulate them on their idea. Therapists often use this technique to give their clients a feeling of power and control over their lives. Nobody likes to feel they need other people to tell them what to do making the technique effective.

How to Use Reverse Psychology on Men and Women

If you see yourself as a rebel, you probably hate being told what to do. What if instead of “Tidy your room!” your mother had said “I bet you couldn’t make your room tidy even if you tried”? People think of reverse psychology in very simple terms – telling somebody to do the opposite of what you want them to do. These days, most people are wise to that idea and “Don’t buy me a birthday present, then!” is more passive-aggressive than planting an idea into their mind.

Advertisers often use reverse psychology; if you’ve ever desired a product because it was expensive or limited, then you might have fallen prey to the technique. People want what is hard to get, and don’t care so much about what is easy to obtain.

Try this with dating. Once you have attraction, tell a woman, “I’m going to stop this right now; it would never work out between us” or suddenly act as if you are disinterested. For women who are used to getting what they want, this can make you far more interesting and convince them they want to be with you.

People think of reverse psychology… [as] more passive-aggressive than planting an idea into their mind.

Reverse psychology works especially well on rebellious or argumentative people. A simple statement like “You probably wouldn’t like the roller coaster; it’s too scary” can get your friend lining up with their ride ticket. Your bold statement gets them thinking, “What do they know about me?” and convinces your friend that trying the thing you suggest to avoid was their idea.

Be careful using this technique unwittingly. Telling your mate not to date a girl may get him to believe you and remain single.

Although the idea of manipulating another person’s mind is ethically questionable, remember we are manipulated on a daily basis by advertisers and politicians, whether in the form of subtle priming (“That politician said something that made me feel good; his other statements must be good, too!”) to obvious reverse psychology (“It’s expensive, so it must be good!”).

Brainwashing can be used for evil. Like any power, it can also be used to improve your life without hurting anyone. It can be used to make the world a better place – imagine being able to persuade more people to be kind to each other, to look after the environment, or to eat more healthily! The techniques outlined here, when used properly (and ethically), opens up doors you might never have dreamed possible. Of course, you don’t have to use them if you don’t want to.

I shook my head as I sat working on my computer at home, sipping a coffee. I felt frustrated for him. He did not need work – he needed a 180-degree shift in perspective with self-probing questions, tips, skills, and advice to get the work he wanted – not to get job interview advice or a job.

Whether you’re going for a retail, nursing, accounting, teacher, or government interview full-time or part-time over the phone, online, or in person, the following job interview advice will help you ace any interview to get the job of your dreams.

Why You Are Unemployed and Miserable Before Any Interview

I could catapult many job interview tips at you because I’m a conversation skills coach and company owner. You won’t get the tips now because that’s not what you need. What will help you the most in getting the job you want is looking at how you approach job hunting and interviews.

If you go into an interview wanting the job to solve your money worries – to help your life – you won’t get the job. Few employers hire out of pity. They suffer from their own problems and want to pay you to alleviate these dilemmas.

The guy at the start of this article who wanted a job didn’t care about me. He didn’t want to add value to my customers. He didn’t think about how he can increase my sales. He didn’t care about broken website code, business partnerships to be made, or traffic to be attracted. He didn’t want to relive my itches. He focused on himself.

Most self-absorbed communication harms you. You don’t make friends by bragging about yourself, listing your accomplishments, and ignoring another’s needs. Job seekers do exactly this at interviews. Narcissistic-like individuals talk about themselves, their skills, their past, and why they want the job.

You don’t make friends by bragging about yourself, listing your accomplishments, and ignoring another’s needs. Job seekers do this in job interviews.

The first and most important leap to take to nail the job interview you want or move ahead in your career is to solve the employer’s problems. Talk about your skills, experience, and why you want the job by relating it exactly to the employer’s wants and needs. Without that relation, your abilities are open to misinterpretation and ignorance. Forget your needs for the moment – once you provide value to others, they become determined to reciprocate your efforts and keep you.

Empathize with the interviewer by placing yourself in his or her shoes. Constantly ask yourself, “What is their need at the moment?” If you can answer this question in any communication, you’re in the top five percent of communicators in the world.

No one cares about your bachelor degree or your intelligence. It’s what your degree or intelligence does that gets you hired.

I speak for many companies by saying that what’s on paper gets you hired, but what happens between you and people gets you fired. Poor human resource managers deny or accept a job candidate merely on experiences and qualities (what’s seen on a resume), while great HR managers go beyond shallow resumes and cognitive tests and really see if the candidate is a determined winner. I recommend you get Topgrading, which was written for company owners, because it helps craft you into an A-player companies want.

My Secret to Communicate Great at Interviews and Work

In a fierce economy, today is more important than ever to master your communication skills. We will always need to talk, listen, and connect with one another.

Start developing your communication right now in everyday life. How you socialize shows in how you interact with customers and coworkers. I have a saying, “How you do something is how you do anything.”

Skills you think take time to see are apparent to good interviewers. Seemingly minor signals of unconscious skill show in your body language. If you’re not immediately friendly to strangers in everyday life, you won’t immediately befriend the interviewer who will then project that feeling into the future and assume you cannot quickly befriend customers.

The most attractive employees are good communicators and good communicators develop themselves in their own time. This is something I’ve never heard anywhere else that I believe makes or breaks critical moments in a career. Attractive skills, such as your honesty in being unable to answer a question or your calmness when someone is agitated, must be developed outside of the workplace. Unemployment and job-misery begins before the interview.

Little-Known Conversation Techniques to Seduce the Interviewer Then Get the Job

All principles of good conversation apply to the interview (from the introduction, small talk, humor, self-disclosure, interest, and open body language). Any time you feel lost or confused, think what makes up an enjoyable conversation. Interviews are a conversation between the candidate and interviewer.

Start by standing and introducing yourself to the interviewer instead of waiting for an introduction. Lean forward to give a solid, slow web-to-web handshake.

All principles of good conversation apply to the interview.

Next, initiate conversation. Talk about the person’s lovely office, a plant, or photo. Drop a comment about a worker you spotted or a sign you read on your way in. The conversation builds rapport and relaxes each of you – the interviewer can be nervous as well! My Big Talk course offers a complete training on how to effortlessly talk and make friends with strangers.

Show interest in the business. Study its history before the interview. If it’s a smaller business and you’re being interviewed by its owner, be curious behind the owner’s motives for starting the business. The person will become animated and talk about the business’ foundations! He or she will walk away from your interview thinking you were a great person. Ramit Sethi has bonus job interview advice on YouTube to research a company:

A good conversation skill that is also a way to show interest in the business is to ask questions during the interview. Walk into the interview with at least three solid questions planned. This gives you backup questions if the interviewer answers one or two before you.

Before I taught communication skills, I had a group interview for the position of a night-fill worker at a supermarket. The human resources manager running the interview talked for 10 minutes then asked, “Does anyone have any questions?” The room was silent. I could see the twinge in her lips indicating her disappointment in our non-responsiveness.

Just before she was about to move on, I asked how she got into her managerial position because I wanted to understand her and what it takes to be promoted. She smiled and talked for five minutes about the company’s internal way of promoting employees. I think I easily got the job because of my question and display of interest.

Good questions to ask in the interview include:

• “What happened to the previous person in this position?”
• “What results do you expect from the successful candidate’s first year?”
• “How does the company lead its teams? Like, are workers given independence to make their own decisions or is it highly determined by upper management?”
• “How would you describe the company’s culture?”
• “In your opinion, what’s the most important thing someone new to the company should know so they and the company benefit?”

There are three real subtle benefits of asking questions. Firstly, questions show curiosity and interest. Secondly, you look better than other interviewees. Most candidates are too busy talking about themselves, not curious or concerned about solving the company’s problems. Thirdly, you subtly qualify the company to match your own needs. A subtle seduction technique is to make the other party work for you. Humans value what they earn. Employers will value you more if you have job opportunities elsewhere and are a little picky over how they can fulfill your needs. How very counter-intuitive!

Once a question is answered or you learn an important point about the business, write a note for yourself even if you have good memory. The power in this technique comes from how it makes the other person feel. You’ll look well-prepared and trustworthy. It’s amazing how much your credibility increases by writing down what someone tells you.

How to Appear Confident in an Interview

Believe your words. If you don’t have confidence in yourself, others won’t have confidence in you.

One of the best ways to show others confidence is through your voice. Speak at a good volume with relaxation. Literally talk louder to make yourself feel confident. A louder voice is physiological confidence that boosts your psychological confidence.

Bodily stress and tension wrecks havoc on your vocals when you try to be perfect. Shift your focus from yourself to how you fill the company’s needs like I mentioned before. You will relax, communicate confidence through your voice, and show attractive warmth.

Another technique taken from my Big Talk that I recommend to quickly boost your confidence in an interview is to think the interviewer is an old friend. Try more absurd visualizations that reframes the person interviewing you into a strange situation. Imagine the person nervously being interviewed by another manager or lazily lounging in front of the television. That’s crazy and effective job interview advice!

Similar to what I said before about how to better your communication, the best way to have confidence in an interview is to work on it each day. What you do inside the interview is how you live.

Insider’s Secret Job Interview Advice to Get Hired

Go to the company beforehand and introduce yourself to a few employees saying you’re interested in working for the company. Ask the employees for their thoughts on the company, tips for the interview, recommended dress, and any insider secrets that could give you an edge. Use these people to see if the company is worth working for before you waste further time in the screening process.

Mention the names of the people you talked to in the interview. You subliminally make the hiring manager feel you already work for the company!

Compliment the hiring manager about those you talked to. We love people who love people. How do you think the hiring manager will feel hearing about the great workforce?

When the interview ends, reward yourself regardless of the outcome. Interviews can be scary so it helps to appreciate yourself. Job hunting is tough enough without self-criticism.

If your interview is a success and you get offered the job, know how to negotiate your salary. It’s key job interview advice. Watch the video below on YouTube as Justin Wilson negotiates his salary with Ramit Sethi as if you were listening in on the conversation. They then breakdown what to do step-by-step:

Have job interview advice to share with Tower of Power readers? Post a comment below.

Principles do not change. Water is two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom – this will not change. The North poles of two magnets repel – this will not change. Gravity rips you down to Earth – this will not change. The unchanging laws of science are parallel to the unchanging principles and laws of communication to deal with difficult people.

If you have a difficult person in your life, you may think he or she is impossible to deal with, yet the person is not an impenetrable rock. It’s human! And humans follow laws of psychology and behavior you can benefit from. This article will provide you with judo-like principles to convert seemingly impossible forces of a difficult person into tips to effectively deal with them.

The world is filled with stubborn people. The difficult and not so difficult people even think you can be difficult. Learn the following tips (taken from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program) to deal with difficult people in your everyday life:

4 Common Methods that Do Not Work

Sending solutions. Common phrases that indicate solving include: “What if you…” “Stop doing… and start…” and “Why don’t you…” Telling people what to do does not work. Solutions are the problem. The more you push solutions on people, the more they pull away from you and your suggestion. Real solutions, commitment, and desire for change come from participation.

Moralizing. Common phrases that indicate moralizing include: “You should….” “It would be good for you to…” and “Stop doing wrong…” Chapter eight of my program defines moralizing words as “using what is right and wrong, good and bad, black and white to further your logic.” Manipulation from guilt and other emotions that arise from moral words do not change difficult people yet alone anyone.

Complaints. “I wish Bill wasn’t so damn annoying.” Bickering is mental masturbation. Creation comes from being proactive. If you complain, you’re the difficult person. You become no better than the person you try to change.

Criticism. People criticize to build change. “I’m results-focused. I criticize people to get things done.” Similar lines of thinking drive the 12 communication barriers (criticism, labeling, diagnosing, praise, orders, threats, questions, moralizing, advice, reason, reassurance, and deflecting). Avoid criticism because it is not charismatic persuasion. Criticism intensifies conflict. Criticized individuals feel diminished, unworthy, and less important.

10 Principles and Tips to Deal with a Difficult Person

The following principles and tips are not short-term tricks to transform an annoying person. Endless articles shared on the Internet provide frivolous advice on this topic. When the core problem is addressed, however, colds get skipped and the cancer is cut out. Advice shared here gets to the core of what really matters when dealing with a difficult person.

1. You see the world as you are. Stephanie Rosenbloom for The New York Times hit the heart of difficult people; or rather the people who think someone is difficult. Rosenbloom says the issue “is not the difficult people themselves. It is you.”

Problems transmute from your perception, then your reaction.

Most articles that provide tips to deal with difficult people focus on difficult individuals (“They’re the problem”); hence they miss the real problem (“You’re part of the problem”). You play a role in a difficult person’s behavior. Problems transmute from your perception, then your reaction. Carl Jung said we repress our hated characteristics, which manifest in discomfort around people we repulse. Jungian psychoanalyst Edward Whitmont writes:

Ask someone to give a description of the personality type which he finds most despicable, most unbearable and hateful, and most impossible to get along with, and he will produce a description of his own repressed characteristics – a self-description which is utterly unconscious and which therefore always and everywhere tortures him as he receives its effect from the other person. These very qualities are so unacceptable to him precisely because they represent his own repressed side; only that which he cannot accept without ourselves do we find impossible to live with in others.

What characteristics in people do you hate most? What do these characteristics say about you? Who does not find the person difficult? What can you learn from the person who does not find the person hard to face?

A chronically difficult person is rare. Your self-image makes people difficult. I strongly encourage you to notice as often as possible what you deny in yourself because this could be a repressed image, a shadow you see in others, that you have ignored in the past. “In the end,” says Rosenbloom, “the specialists say, we cannot control other people, only our response to them.” (The first chapter of my Big Talk training course taps into this deep, dark psychological theory that stops us from enjoyable conversation. When you connect with your full self, it becomes easy to connect with people and make friends. This is cutting-edge material you can discover more about here.)

2. Lose the need to be right. When you enter a conversation with the intent to fix someone, you become difficult. Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says you must open yourself to be influenced to influence. Quit thinking you are right because this drives your resistance to be changed and change people.

3. Clear your heart, open your mind. Too often our experiences with people hurt our current conversations with them. It takes time for someone in your negative light to shift under a positive spotlight even when the person hasn’t been difficult for a while.

Forgive to clean your heart then keep an open mind as to why someone is difficult. Stop hopping to conclusions by portraying the problem as the person’s difficulty. You blockade truth with judgments and fear of self-analysis.

Perhaps you are the problem, their father was diagnosed with cancer, or they are in financial trouble. Acknowledge that you do not – and will never – know all reasons why someone is difficult. An open mind that welcomes a person’s point of view to enter possible explanations for their behavior creates a cushion to soften harsh judgments.

Listen to the difficult person and let them express their point of view. It will help you see why they are difficult. This tip alone can be enough to deal with the person as you see the reason for their behavior. Listen honestly and actively with empathy.

4. Want difficult people. It’s scary, but wanting a bothersome person helps you. Difficult people create conflict – and this creates change. An organism with no challenge has no reason to evolve. Difficulties challenge you, compelling you to evolve into a superior being.

Does this mean you can be difficult? No. There is people who find you difficult enough. The diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through difficulties.

5. Be proactive, not reactive. Reactive persons blame circumstances for their reality. They reciprocate bad behavior. They reason other people need to change.

The diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through difficulties.

Proactive persons create what they want regardless of constricting circumstances. Create a value in yourself to be proactive and treat people with respect. Once you stop reciprocating bad behavior, you feel proud, empowered, and in control of your life regardless of whether you successfully handle the situation. Make the fundamental decision to commit to the advice given in this article.

6. Be responsible, not a victim. Don’t blame people for how they make you feel. The degree you’re a victim of someone’s behavior controls the impact it has on you.

Take responsibility for how you feel. Prevent people from entering and exiting your emotional state at will. Eliminate blame to free yourself from a person’s difficult behavior.

You don’t have to be burdened by people’s problems. You will work towards a solution faster and be less emotionally exasperated when you lose the victim mentality and stop thinking people are villains. My friend Gary Harper has a good article on this where he also discusses similar principles to this article.

7. Be problem-oriented, not person-oriented. Difficult people have a difficult problem and are trying to fulfill a need the only way they know possible. It seems elusive, but even they want to live in harmony.

People are not the problem. Focus on the problem and not the person. A helpful tip for this is to disassociate the problem from the person. Their behavior, even you, or something else is the problem.

8. Find the unmet need. Difficult people have an unmet need. Whether somebody is angry, unhappy, depressed, loud, or anxious, they try to fulfill a need – though it is often done poorly. Notice a hidden need beneath someone’s difficult behavior, and you will see another human being. This will allow you to compassionately communicate. The Nonviolent Communication Process is a model that gets you focused on, and fulfilling, other people’s needs and your own.

9. Be interdependent. Dependency is unhealthy. To overcome this, self-help experts teach independence. According to most people, independence is health, freedom, and power. By itself, nothing could be further from the truth.

According to Robert Greene, author of 48 Laws of Power, a powerful individual living in isolation destroys his power. John O’Neil in The Paradox of Success confirms Greene’s remarks. O’Neil says leaders and other individuals in powerful positions destroy their success and happiness with overt independence. Such persons do it all, have chronic obsessions with work and difficulties getting their mind off work, and easily become irritated by others who disagree with their decision-making.

A powerful communicator knows how to distribute decision-making for freedom. He or she knows how to seek help because the person is not afraid to admit failure and learn. This is the interdependent standpoint you need beyond solitude. “When we try to pick out anything by itself,” said famed conservationist John Muir, “we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.”

Use other people to help solves problems. It sounds simple because it is. Talk to a parent, manager, or human resource department. People bring knowledge, skills, and persuasive power to handle a difficult person. Be beware of risks associated with making a private problem public. It’s your responsibility to respect a person’s privacy concerns and at the same time request another’s help when necessary.

10. Be detached from an outcome.

If the above tips and principles fail you, it’s not because they don’t work – it’s because you disobeyed them. The principles and tips given to you cannot fail because they are the foundations for good communication.

When you attach to an outcome, your rigidity causes resistance.

If you lose the need to be right while remaining proactive, for example, you deal with the difficult person. Stop thinking the only way to deal with a difficult person is to change them, such desire only makes you difficult.

When you attach to an outcome by seeking a specific result from an interaction at all costs, your rigidity causes resistance. The most common outcome people attach to when they converse with a difficult person is their need to be right and change the person (principle #2). Going into a conversation with the righteous intent to change a person guarantees failure. You must detach from an outcome.

If the principles and tips do not bring you the result you’re after, prepare to walk away. Give the people involved space to think the problems through. By doing this, you clear your heart and open your mind, remain proactive, and keep problem-oriented. A tough issue can be solved at a later time. Another day can bring different possibilities. Emotions, thoughts, and attitudes change.

Unsuccessful conflict resolution with a difficult person can escalate the problem, but adhere to these principles and tips to deal with a difficult person to make the difficult more manageable. “Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen,” said Friedrich Nietzsche, “few in pursuit of the goal.”

(If you are reading this and found the above principles and tips to deal with difficult people helpful, you will enjoy my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” where the principles for this article were extracted. Click here to learn more about the program and how you can develop your communication skills to charismatically have cold-hearted persons wanting to change. Also discover more about Big Talk, my training course that lets two persons openly and freely talk with one another, by clicking here.)

“Hang out the washing”, “Stop moping around and cheer up”, “Fix what you broke”, “You need to improve your skills with customers”, “Get a new attitude”, “Obey your mother and father”. There are four reasons why such statements kill your relationships.

4 Reasons We Hate Receiving Solutions

The most common communication barrier people use to send solutions is advice. We give advice to help a person or to get things done, yet the outcome is destruction. Whether you are a child or parent, brother or sister, employee or manager, we hate receiving advice and being told what to do for four reasons:

1) Loss of control. The other person takes the reigns of our life as they control what we do. No one likes being controlled – it impedes freedom. To be in control of one’s life is a fundamental human need. Psychologists say the more you are in control of your life, the happier you will be.

If you get controlled, you respond with rebellion. Humans seek to reestablish freedom by engaging in a threatened behavior. You may refuse to carry out the order, do the task poorly, procrastinate, or blame others for the task not being completed. Your response to being controlled is natural human behavior, unhealthy for relationships. Rebellious behaviors pull apart cooperation – the fabric that binds a peaceful relationship.

Humans seek to reestablish freedom by engaging in a threatened behavior.

An insurgent individual causes the person giving advice to continue giving solutions because no change has occurred. This furthers defiance. The problem is not the nonconforming person, but the stubborn person blind enough to continue control. “They just keep doing the same goddamn thing that doesn’t work and worsens and perpetuates the problem,” says Robert Fisch, author of Brief Therapy with Intimidating Cases: Changing the Unchangeable. “What people are doing is ‘common sense’ to them. People say ‘it’s the only thing to do.’” We need to stop attempted ways of changing people that fail to work.

2) Feelings of inferiority. A side-effect of being controlled is feeling inferior. We feel like a lesser person when we lose control of ourselves. Solutions and advice prevent people from feeling good about themselves and developing a healthy self-esteem.

We seek to feel important. To make a man hate you, simply take away what makes him feel good about himself. Tell him what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. You will have yourself a lifeless human doing, not a human being.

3) The problem is not obvious. Humans are complex creatures. Even our simple processes are complex. Has someone given you advice on a serious emotional problem? The person tried to help you, but you became frustrated because he or she “just didn’t get it”.

Chances are you remained the same. You probably rebelled against the person to regain freedom. As a result, things got worse. You became angry, silent, or defensive. Perhaps the person then tried even harder to assert their way of thinking was right. This only pushed you further from where they wanted you to be. They failed to understand what you were going through. I know, I’ve been there.

Advice subtly communicates the solution to your problem is obvious. It communicates you must be stupid, incompetent, and inferior to overlook the solution. Aeschylus, an ancient Greek playwright in 500 BC, said, “It is an easy thing for one whose foot is on the outside of calamity to give advice and to rebuke the sufferer.”

When tempted to send a solution to someone, remind yourself you do not know the whole story. Even when you think you know the truth, you probably know on-side of the story – your story. Why? This leads us to the fourth reason people hate receiving solutions from others.

4) People are oblivious to the truth. Human behavior and everything we experience is like an iceberg. An iceberg’s visible tip is 10% of the entire iceberg because the ice’s density is less than the sea water’s density. The remaining 90% of the iceberg is below the water’s surface, not visible to the common eye. How the 90% of the iceberg is shaped cannot be determined by looking at the iceberg’s tip.

When tempted to send a solution to someone, remind yourself you do not know the whole story.

Our likeness to an iceberg is a double-edged sword. On one side, most people never concern themselves with understanding the 90% of a person or story difficult to see upfront. They prefer to focus on themselves, stick with what they know, and never seek to fully understand people. We don’t follow or become inspired to change by someone that doesn’t understand us.

On the other side of the iceberg of human behavior is tremendous potential for you to connect with people in a way they have likely yet to experience. People’s poor ability to understand others stores further energetic potential to have them connect with you. When someone hides what matters to them from fear of being told what to do, your understanding through empathetic communication shines a light to open them up.

It is unfortunate few people know these secrets of communication. That is why they are secrets. Most people try to make knock-out blows by giving advice, criticism, and other communication barriers. They hope to change people and their relationships through solutions, yet all this does is make people hate them and resist change.

What I have discussed here is only the first of five solving barriers you use almost everyday in your communication. This is not even 1% of information I share in my communication secrets program that teaches you how to become a charismatically persuasive people magnet. There is more to the advising barrier, four other solving barriers, and an additional seven judging and avoiding barriers you use to kill relationships, reduce your persuasive power, and decrease your charisma.

If any of this resonates a message in your life, you’re sick of misunderstanding people, and you’re tired of people resisting your helpful advice, and you want to know the true way to change people, I encourage you to learn about my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program here.

This article is beyond business to help you empower anybody to make decisions on their own while not subjecting anyone to the pain of a control freak. You learn how to avoid turning yourself into a cantankerous, controlling individual while still getting things done.

Delegation is defined as assigning responsibility of a decision or action to someone. It allows you to get more done in less time than if you tried to do the activity yourself. You must learn this skill because time disallows you to do what you want done.

Too frequently we fail to say “no” to the flood of requests which overwhelm. Effective decision-making skills given to you in the decision tree of leadership allows you to establish responsibility in people without you controlling them.

The ability to create self-reliance in people is one of the most empowering skills you can develop. You bring out the best in people, they feel powerful, and they do not feel burdened by control. Whenever you transfer responsibility and other duties under safe circumstances that lead to feelings of importance in people, you increase your personal magnetism and make people like you. With that said, let’s move onto describing the decision tree of leadership.

4 Parts of The Decision Tree of Leadership – A Model Used by Great Leaders

Objectives are not fate; they are direction. They are not commands; they are commitments. They do not determine the future; they are means to mobilize the resources and energies of the business for the making of the future.Peter Drucker

Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.Ralph Waldo Emerson

Since reading Dr. Maxwell Maltz’s The New Psycho-cybernetics and Michael Hall’s Mind-lines, I realize how powerful metaphors are to learn and implement a skill. To overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed, Maxwell Maltz provides a powerful metaphor and visualization of an hourglass. No matter how much sand is in the timer, the sand only pours through the funnel grain by grain. One by one gets things done.

When we create a metaphor that is similar to a problem, we draw associations and learn something new from old information.

When we create a metaphor that is similar to a problem, we draw associations and learn something new from old information. It is abductive thinking, a creative process whereby “what could be” generates new ideas. Symbols are used to indirectly mean something else. What this means for you in layman’s terms is your knowledge about a tree has the potential to help you better empower people, free up your time, and get them to like you!

Think of a simple tree. Each day decisions are made to keep it green and healthy. For the purpose of this metaphor, we categorize a tree into four parts: 1) roots, 2) trunk, 3) branches, and 4) leafs. From the ground upwards, we have:

Roots: Root decisions have the most potential to hurt an individual, group, or organization. They are made from a lot of input and consultation with others. Once an outcome is determined to be the best, the person responsible makes the root decision. Each person is kept up-to-date with the results of the decision because the outcome affects all.

Trunk: Follows the root of the tree’s trunk. Trunk decisions have the potential to hurt an individual, group, or organization like root decisions, though to a lesser extent. A trunk decision can take into account other people’s input, but the ultimate decision is made by the person in charge. Who is in charge depends on who can initiate or omit the action. A parent can be in charge, but a trunk decision for the teen in deciding to find a job is made by their teenager. The outcome of trunk decisions should be reported immediately.

Branches:The main difference between branch decisions have with trunk decisions is the timeliness of the decision. A branch decision does not have to be reported immediately once the decision is made. The person making the decision can take action immediately without other people’s suggestions. A teen deciding to get a job is a trunk decision, not a branch decision, because the teen is the one who acts on the decision while his or her parents are influenced by the decision.

Leafs: Leaf decisions are clear and simple. Sometimes the person has faced and solved similar problems in the past. A leaf decision is the outer-most and highest level of decision-making a person can achieve. It involves making a decision and acting on it without consulting anyone. Unlike other parts of the tree that require the input of others, leaf decisions are pure independence. The person who makes the leaf decision does not notify someone what has been done.

What Happens When the Roots Die?

The foundation of a tree is its roots. Without its roots a tree quickly dies. After roots is the tree’s trunk. Tree trunks are important in maintaining the tree’s strength. Next, the trunk leads to branches. The branches of a tree shape how it looks. They need to be maintained. Lastly, leafs grow from branches. Should a leaf or branch die, the whole tree does not suffer. If the roots or trunk of the tree sustain serious injury, the livelihood of the tree is jeopardized.

In decision-making terms, a leaf decision does not mean it is less important than a trunk decision. Rather, it explains the ramifications of the decision. Leafs can die while the whole tree lives. A tree dies when its roots die. This is the most important metaphor to understand in the model. Your family should not suffer because you made a leaf decision that is actually a root decision, like buying your next house, on behalf of your family.

Leafs can die while the whole tree lives. If roots die so does the tree.

The decision tree of leadership does not takeaway a person’s ability to impact his or her family, marriage, friends, or organization. It encourages leadership while maintaining a finger tip of control. We hate being controlled and having to report everything we do to a superior. The decision tree of leadership creates freedom and empowers people to become responsible and influential. The outcome of a leaf decision can still be life-changing.

Any teenager or employee at some time experiences a shift in self-reliance where their dependence on people change. Teens desperately want freedom from their parents while employees wish their overbearing bosses would release them from their controlling grasp. A male teen wants to become his own person, but you and I know that giving someone pure independence is not a safe choice. Mistakes get made and people get hurt. The decision tree of leadership provides you with a lovely conceptual understanding of empowering another person so you grant a person their desired level of independence – while at the same time, you avoid being seen as a grumpy controlling onlooker.

Child-Parent Phenomena

In intimate adult relationships, I often see something called “child-parent dependency”. Child-parent dependent relationships have one individual termed the “child” who complies with the other individual termed the “parent”. The parent dictates who does what and who goes where. When an important decision needs to be made by the child, the person consults the parent on the problem or shifts all responsibility back to the parent.

The child of the relationship can hate being told what to do and will find an excuse to avoid the task whether through silence, avoidance, or forgetfulness. The child lacks assertive skills to solve the control issue. Child-parent dependency can be helped through the establishment of self-reliance with the decision tree of leadership. This is one of the many benefits of the decision tree.

The Six Strengths of the Decision Tree

A group, namely an organization, that follows the decision tree of leadership benefits in several ways. Firstly, employees frequently voice their pain about not having the power to implement actions they are responsible for. To change, grow, or conduct a simple daily activity, an employee monitored from their boss’ hawk-eye requires their superior’s approval. If you want employees or members of a group to enjoy what they do and feel pride, ownership, and responsibility, empower them with the decision tree of leadership.

The second strength of the decision tree of leadership is the clarity it establishes. Defining the level of authority establishes clear boundaries and expectations. If you lack expectations and clarity, you are more likely to blame someone else for a problematic result upon making a decision. When expectations are clear that empower an individual, the individual knows what is expected of him or her and works to achieve those expectations. We want to make an impact and we need to know where it is we can make our mark.

We want to make an impact and we need to know where it is we can make our mark.

The third strength is the personal and professional development the model builds in an individual. Communicate the decision tree of leadership to an appropriate person in your group and they will develop self-reliance and confidence. They become motivated to grow and work towards more leaf decisions.

The fourth strength is it increases the likelihood of good decisions. Mistakes often originate from inexperience or a lack of knowledge. A primary reason we make decisions for others is our lack of faith in the person’s decision-making skills. Parents who control their teenager’s life act from fear over their teenager’s supposed inability to make correct life decisions. A lot of unnecessary conflict can be reduced. The decision tree of leadership teaches people to swim in shallow water before venturing into the deep end. Once they get out to the deep end, they know no one is holding their hand making it all the more satisfying.

The fifth strength is the resources it frees up. People higher in the hierarchy are not bothered by problems people lower in the hierarchy can solve. The model gets people making more leaf decisions. Managers and executives are left with time to make other decisions.

The sixth strength, and one of the most powerful reasons for using the decision tree of leadership, is the large amount of personal accountability created by the model. A lack of personal accountability causes the blame-game and the involved group to not move forward as they fail to learn from past mistakes. The decision tree clearly empowers people to make decisions and leads to accountability. “The driving force behind any and all successful programs, initiatives and companies is accountability,” writes Gary Horsfall in a paper titled Accountability: The Force Behind Empowerment. “It is not possible in an environment where people feel that they have little or no control over their own destiny.”

Your Action Plan

Now you are aware of the decision tree of leadership and the power it has to transform an organization or similar group, I am going to share with you a quick step-by-step process for implementing the method. Next, I will provide some real-life examples of what decisions fit into which category of the model. Lastly, I will finish the article with an exercise to help you use the method as I want to help you go from intellectualizing the information to behavioral change and results.

To start using the method, firstly mention a new method you learned that will improve the family, organization, or team. They may not care what you discovered so you need to tune them into their favorite radio station, WIIFM (what’s in it for me). Describe specifically how they can develop more freedom, independence, and personal power if they give the method a shot.

If there is any resistance in implementing the decision tree, describe it as 30-day trial. Give it a shot for 30 days and if you do not like it, you just return to your normal ways.

Next, explain the decision tree to the person (or just email them the link to this page). Once you have done that, ask the person what categories their most common decisions fall under. Are they leaf, branch, trunk, or root decisions? Mutually work out a solution here is the secret to its ongoing implementation. When we make a choice on our own, instead of being forced into a choice, we stand by it stronger and longer.

The Decision Tree of Leadership in Action

Okay, now to provide a few examples of the decision categories. I will use a teenager and a parent to demonstrate the decision tree because the majority of people should relate to and understand the example. As you read the examples, the decisions made by one family or an organization will be differently categorized to others. Individuals have different personality characteristics and situations vary.

In this example, Julie is a parent to her teenager Sam. A leaf decision for Sam could be what he decides to do in his spare time. He has shown in the past that he does not need to be “babied around” in his free time. Though, you can probably see that this leaf decision could also be a branch decision. For example, Sam may need his mother’s permission for her to drive him to the local sports field.

A branch decision for Sam could be deciding what University to attend. While some parents control their child’s education more so than others because of price and other variables that differ between countries, the university Sam decides must fit in with what he wants. Once he has made the decision, it would be helpful for his family and parents to know his decision as soon as possible, though he is not required to tell them immediately. Sam can ask for other’s opinions as to what they think about the issue, but the decision is for Sam to make.

One possible trunk decision for Sam is housework. Julie gives Sam a moderate amount of freedom to choose what chores he wants to do. Sam is influenced, not controlled, by his mother’s input into the decision. Whether Sam does or avoids the chores, his final decision affects his family to a minor extent.

A root decision for Sam could be borrowing his parent’s car. The implications of taking his parent’s car without permission greatly affects Sam’s family. One possible affect is them being stuck at home with no means of transport to get somewhere important. Safety is also an issue because Sam’s parents would be concerned for his whereabouts.

It can be tough to decide whether a decision is a leaf or branch, branch or trunk, trunk or root, but it does not matter. Not every decision needs to fit perfectly in the model. You can be imprecise. It is a model to help you – not one you must live by. Close enough is good enough if you have mutual agreement.

How to Be a Great Leader Right Now

To implement the decision tree of leadership in your family, organization, or other group, here is a simple exercise to do. Over the next week, write down your most common branch, trunk, and root decisions. Ignore leaf decisions if you want because there may be too many to list. Once you write your common decisions in the categories, you will see what areas you, or other people, are independent in and how your many decisions affects other group members. The exercise will help categorize and track what is going on.

The grand purpose of the decision tree is to establish freedom and personal growth. We hate being controlled and made to feel like a caged animal at the zoo. The decision tree of leadership empowers people to make decisions they would like to make or once could not make. Follow the decision tree of leadership to nurture growing relationships free from thorns of controlling people.

Covey’s book has sold over 15 million copies for a reason: It ignores trends and popular psychology, and sticks with enduring principles of lasting change. His seven principles build a lasting foundation for truth, openness, and integrity. The principles are timeless – unchanging to events – that make the book the personal development favorite of many self-help experts.

The first three principles are: 1) be proactive, 2) begin with the end in mind, and 3) put first things first. These first three principles deal with dependence as the author moves you through new paradigms.

The first principle moves you from blame and victimization to responsibility. The second principle moves you from destructive centeredness and obsessions to a healthy focus and clear values. While the third principles deals with the “fourth generation” of time management where you learn to do what matters most instead of following to-do lists and doing frivolous tasks that contribute little to your life and other’s lives.

The second lot of three principles (four to six) deal with interdependency. The second triplet of principles are self-explanatory: 4) think win/win, 5) seek first to understand, then to be understood, and 6) synergize. These three principles are more like communication skills as the first three principles provide you the foundation to use them.

It is sad to see many people ignore these principles. As a result, their relationships suffer and people resent them. Any success they get is short-term, unsatisfactory, and often lonely.

Covey emphasizes that effective people are interdependent on others. While they are independent and strong in their own right, when they use the three principles for interdependence, the sum of people’s work is more than the individual parts.

Many personal development public speakers, authors, life coaches, and organizational trainers say the book is the best they ever read.

The last principle is called “sharpen the saw”. It deals with renewal in the physical, mental, social/emotional, and spiritual dimensions. Just as a blunt saw becomes tiresome for a woodcutter, a failure to renew in these four dimensions result in unproductive and sometimes destructive living for the exasperated individual. When the four dimensions are renewed, the seventh principle of “sharpen the saw” is followed to encapsulate the other six principles. It is in such ways that all the principles feed from one another.

The last point I want to emphasize to encourage you to invest in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People if you have not already done so is the character ethic Covey focuses on. Most books today focus on the personality ethic. A personality ethic deals with attitudes, behaviors, skills, and the techniques for human interaction. While the personality ethic is important, without the character ethic that offers courage, patience, and integrity, long-term success is inhibited. The establishment of a strong character ethic creates change from the inside-out.

You must get the book. Many personal development public speakers, authors, life coaches, and organizational trainers say the book is the best they ever read. I highly encourage you to grab your copy of Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People now from Amazon right now by clicking here today.

Robert Cialdini is currently Regent’s Professor of Psychology at Arizona State University. His book Influence is a fantastic classic on persuasion as he transforms what most people took as hidden and unknown variables in decision-making into clear principles that you can use to influence people.

The book discusses the following six principles of influence, which have a chapter dedicated to each:

1. Reciprocation – people have an inherent desire to return favors
2. Commitment and Consistency – people’s past decisions guide their future decisions
3. Social Proof – people look to others then follow what they are doing
4. Liking – people are more persuaded by those they like
5. Authority – people are more persuaded by those seen as holding authority
6. Scarcity – people are more persuaded when the resource at hand is perceived to be limited

These six principles briefly described are simple definitions that do not fully explain their respective principle of influence. Influence provides an in-depth look into the various situations each principle can be applied, when it is most effective, why it works, why it won’t work, and other variables that modify the principle.

Each of the chapters is split into two parts. The first part teaches you how to apply the persuasive principle. The second part teaches you how to defend yourself from the principle when it is used against you. While all the principles are naturally desirable to us, the second part makes you aware of when the influential principles cause you to make a decision you otherwise would avoid had the persuasive principle been absent.

Cialdini’s involvement in academic psychology has given him numerous and insightful research findings that he shares in Influence. The research shared within this book stood out for me.

One real example I’d like to quickly highlight for you to give you an idea of its fascination is how 1 leader, in the year 1978, managed to get 910 people to kill themselves with no coercive tactics – only by using the principle of social proof. The leader firstly influenced the individuals most likely to commit suicide. From there, others followed. In times of uncertainty we look to see what others do. The lesson in this example was that no leader can persuade every member of a group and, therefore, must create an environment that maximizes social proof. This ultimately lets the leader influence the entire group.

…a classic on persuasion.

You may think research is only good for discoveries. The research in Influence is the author’s way of revealing, explaining, and investigating the principles of influence. I would go as far to say that every page of its 280 pages has at least 1 research experiment or real-life example of the relevant persuasive principle. You won’t get bogged down in details though as Cialdini gives you only what you need to know.

Influence is a leader in the business world. It is the default book of persuasion I hear recommended by experts in all fields, from seduction and business, to marketing and power. I feel it is a must-read for anyone who wants to improve his or her negotiation skills, leadership, parenting, sales skills, marketing communication, or business. I highly recommend this book to anyone because we all use persuasion in someway. Grab your copy of Influence from Amazon right now by clicking here.

How to Make Nothing Stop You – Ever

For centuries, mankind has explored this mysterious emotional state that gets him want he wants. This power is not the law of attraction. It is a power within you. The power is your power. It is self-motivation. You control if your self-motivated. Self-motivation gives you anything you damn well want if you want it bad enough.

Think of something you once wanted so badly that nothing stopped you from getting it. This is the passionate desire you need to achieve what you want. Contrast this passion to something you thought “would be nice”. Maybe you wanted to learn the guitar because you thought it would be a nice skill. Maybe you wanted to learn a new language to explore cultures. Maybe you wanted to go scuba diving for an adventure. Whatever nice thing you wanted, you did not achieve it because your hunger for it was deficient.

When trying to motivate yourself to learn a new language, perhaps you purchased some books and CDs, but never progressed further because you lacked the emotional desire (it happened to me when I tried to learn Spanish). You can take steps forward to achieve what you want, but you fall short without the self-motivation required to carry you through your full journey.

To achieve your communication and personal development desires, goals, and dreams, I believe two characteristics need emphasis. Both deal with passion and having a fire-in-the-belly attitude. Firstly, you need to define exactly what you want. The second characteristic is revealed in the second part of this article.

How to Figure Out What You Want

You will suddenly realize that the reason you never changed before was because you didn’t want to.Robert H. Schuller

When you know what you want, and want it bad enough, you will find a way to get it.Jim Rohn

Modern man lives under the illusion that he knows what he wants, while he actually wants what he is supposed to want.Erich Fromm

The first step to achieve what you want in your personal development journey is to know exactly what you want. You probably already think you know what you want, but I am pretty confident you do not truthfully know. What you think you want could be someone else’s wants; a facade to get another want; a vague desire which creates a slow, unenergized pursuit.

You can take steps forward to achieve what you want, but you fall short without the self-motivation required to carry you through your full journey.

When you do not define what you want with pure precision, you wonder through life’s jungle waiting for signs that validate your success. You lack proof of forward movement because you don’t know what you’re moving towards. Eventually, you get devoured by obstacles that demotivate you from trying to reach your mysterious destination.

Let’s say you want to be good at making small talk with anyone because you would love to have the skill of being able to approach someone and start a conversation. Wanting to make small talk with anyone, however, is not what you really want. What you really want is a host of outcomes small talk fulfills. What I mean by this is that you don’t want the skill of being able to talk to anyone for the sake of being able to talk to anyone – your desire to talk with anyone has hidden motives. Successfully being able to approach someone and start a conversation fulfills that want.

One reason you could want to make small talk with anyone is to control your fears when you meet new people. Another reason is to network more effectively so you can grow your business. Another is to feel secure around people. All these are emotional motives that drive your desire to make small talk. When you define your wants in the correct light, you become self-motivated to pursue that goal because it holds importance to you.

Do you want to raise happy children? Do you want what is best for your family? If you want what is best for your family, you’re probably lying to yourself. I’m not saying you don’t want what is best for your family; what I’m saying is the underlying motives behind “I want what’s best for my family” deals with your desires.

Perhaps seeing your family safe and secure makes you feel happy and comforted. Knowing your children are happy validates your parenting skills. When other parents see your successful children, you feel proud. Maybe you want successful children to make up for the failures in your life or you do not want to be frowned upon and humiliated by other parents. These outcomes are probably what you really want when desiring the best for your family.

Only when you accurately define what you want can you get what you want. You will aim with precision when focusing on a target clear to you.

Exercise to See What You Want

I want you to do an exercise now. This exercise forms the framework for this article so you will greatly benefit from doing it. The exercise is a mental and emotional catapult successful people use to define what they want, become self-motivated, and achieve their goals.

Get out a paper and pen, and draw two columns. Make the second column twice the size of the first. This exercise is large and will take several hours. You may want to do it in two sittings, but the process should be energizing so you might be able to get it done in a one sitting.

Success is not what you know or who you know; it is how you think.

In the first column on the left, label it “What I Want”. Obviously, under this you will write down what you want. Some people would write down goals as the heading for this column, but I don’t like using the word “goals” in combination with words that signify a deep desire because you don’t need to set goals when you want something bad enough. Your desires automatically become something you want without you sitting down and writing them as goals.

To help you determine what you want, remove all constraints around your desires. Forget about what you know or have. Stop letting the past limit your future. Remove financial, intellectual, and relationship constraints. Success is not what you know or who you know; it is how you think. You can overcome any constraint if you know how to think in an empowering manner.

It is absolutely necessary you do not reason to yourself what you want. The analytical part of your mind can hurt the emotional part. The most common form of reasoning contains “buts”. For example, “I want to work as a public speaker. But I am not good at speaking. But I don’t know how to get started. But I won’t be able to make money.” All these stupid constraints trick you into avoiding your true desires.

Rather than ask yourself, ‘What are my goals?’ ask yourself, ‘What would excite me and why?’

When we reason with “buts”, we rarely have tried to find a solution. I’ve heard people who want to become public speakers say they are not good at public speaking, yet they have not looked into how they can speak better in public. These people reason they don’t know how to get started in public speaking, but they never once looked into how they can get started. We have limiting thoughts from limiting knowledge. It is crazy how we remove ourselves from our desires through this silly (ir)rationalizing process.

In determining your ultimate career, ask yourself what you would do if money was not a consideration. Ask yourself what you would do if you had the necessary training. Ask yourself what you would do if you knew the right people. Remove all constraints and find what greatly turns you on.

Another thought to help you accurately define what you want is to not fall in the illusion of wanting what other people want. Society has norms and expectations that can mold your desires. I understand that everyone will not want to be married. Think deeply about what your goals really mean to you. Passion is more about caring than finding the right thing. You will be surprised at the many things you can be passionate about once you start caring.

The Secret to Get What You Want

As a verification step to knowing what you want, you can test to see if this is truly what you want by running a mental theater of what it will look, feel, smell, hear, and taste like when you achieve the goal. Rather than ask yourself, “What are my goals?” ask yourself, “What would excite me and why?” See what excites you by running through intense visualizations.

The experiences that excite you (I am talking about a desire of 100 on a scale from 1 to 100 where 100 is the most intense) are what you want. They are your goal. When you want them, you will get them.

If you still struggle to determine your desires, remember to remove all constraints. You can stop the exercise for a few hours to allow your subconscious to work and define what you want. Additionally, I recommend you get Jack Zufelt’s program How To Use The Conquering Force Within You to learn more about defining what you truly want. (I earn nothing from referring you to Jack’s program. I have two copies of it and encourage you to get your copy.)

Passion is more about caring than finding the right thing.

Once you define what you want, write these desires down on the piece of paper under the heading “What I Want”. In the same column (this is optional), you can go one step further by using the SMART method. Rephrase your want in a specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and tangible form. Write less than five goals for now unless you have the time and desire to do more.

Finished? Well done. You have defined what you want. That completes the first part of the exercise. Few people will ever do what you just did, which sets you apart from the masses.

The next step after defining what you want is to stimulate an intense hunger to get your desire. Why do you need this when you already want your desire? You will have your **** days. You will want to stay in bed. If you did not hunger, you would hardly eat. Consume the advice in part two here and you will devour your passions.

Greene takes you back centuries when Marie Antoinette become the French Queen and was later decapitated, and Machiavelli charmed the court to his way of thinking. From nationwide victories to intimate seductions and lies of alchemy, Greene has written a masterpiece that deduces 48 laws of power from past powerful individuals and the not so powerful.

Greene is author of three savvy books covering seduction, war, and power. His interest in topics others overlook because they appear greedy, manipulative, and condescending have caused people to frown upon his work. On the “opposite side” of his reviewers are people greatly thankful for his teachings on the power, manipulation, and the seduction games that take place regardless of one’s liking towards the topics.

The 48 Laws of Power is divided into 48 chapters. It starts off with a fascinating discussion in the preface on the arguments many people have against power. The author says many people think power is immoral or unfairly differentiates people. It would be unfair for all people to have equal power because each of us are unique and have different skill sets. People who unconsciously use moralistic arguments against power, openness, and attempts to be fair, actually further their own power or bring someone else’s power down. Robert Greene goes on to say:

To some people the notion of consciously playing power games – no matter how indirect – seems evil, asocial, a relic of the past. They believe they can opt out of the game by behaving in ways that have nothing to do with power. You must beware of such people… they are often among the most adept players at power.

Power games are inevitable. I won’t say that all 48 laws are useful in all your relationships because power isn’t everything, but many underestimate the importance of power in everyday living. From personal relationships to dealing with customers, more power benefits you – and when you use it correctly, it benefits the relationship. Thinking otherwise uses the same moralistic arguments Greene discusses in the preface. Even so, some laws of power seemed harsh to me, but this is the reality of power and I accept it. Power isn’t meant to be pretty. We are talking about power; not a book about fairies.

Whether you want to learn how to charm people or to achieve your goals, there is so much to learn from the history in The 48 Laws of Power. The historical research within the book is phenomenal. The author and his team of researchers have dug through many books on history to provide hundreds of stories about users of the laws of power. The reader is given insights into powerful historical greats like Sun Tzu, con artist Joseph “Yellow Kid” Weil, and seducer Casanova.

With the large number of references to Niccolo Machiavelli and Baltasar Gracian, I assume these were Robert Greene’s primary figures of authority from which he developed most of his principles. Even if you have little interest in history, like myself, you will still find the stories interesting. The stories in each chapter show how the discussed law of power was used to increase power and when it was disobeyed to decrease power. An “interpretation” section is provided after each observance and transgression of the law to help you understand the interpersonal dynamics and power games played by those in the story. The author’s interpretation of the story provides a great way of understanding the keys to power and adapting the principles to your everyday life.

The historical research within the book is phenomenal.

At the chapter’s end, I found the images Greene paints with a vivid statement to be influential. Here’s one example of an image used for law 20 (Do not commit to anyone): “A Thicket of Shrubs. In the forest, one shrub latches on to another, entangling its neighbor with its thorns, the thicket slowly extending its impenetrable domain. Only what keeps its distance and stand apart can grow and rise above the thicket.”

Initially it may appear some rules contradict each other such as law 15 (Crush your enemy totally) and law 47 (Do not go past the mark you aimed for; in victory, learn when to stop) as well as law 16 (Use absence to increase respect and honor) and law 18 (Do not build fortresses to protect yourself – isolation is dangerous), but they are not contradictory. Discussing the latter, absence and maintaining a connection with people have their own uses in specific circumstances. Be flexible and use common sense to determine each law’s application. Each law has a context for its application.

Most of the pages within the book have fables, quotes, and small interesting stories that “distill three thousand years of the history of power.” Anecdotes line one side of the pages to nicely complement the chapter’s discussion. At a large 450 pages, the book mimics a textbook. You can expect to discover many great techniques to increase your power, stop yourself from being manipulated by others, and get what you want. Securely grab your copy now from Amazon by clicking here today.

Why is it that urban legends, conspiracy theories, and public health scares can reach the other side of the world; while most businesses, teachers, and public speakers cannot get their ideas to reach a person two feet in front of them? The answer lies in Made to Stick.

Everyday we get pounded with information from people. Most of it slips straight off us like food sliding off Teflon. “What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients,” said Herbert Simon, winner of the 1978 Nobel Prize in Economics. “Hence, a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it.”

Chip Heath and Dan Heath’s Made to Stick shows you how to grab people’s attention in an information rich economy, get your ideas through, and make the message stick with a simple formula. The two authors use their first of six principles, “Simplicity”, in their stickiness formula by making their six principles form an acronym SUCCESs:

1. Simplicity
2. Unexpectedness
3. Concreteness
4. Credibility
5. Emotions
6. Stories

Reading a book about sticky ideas makes you hope the authors’ make their own principles sticky. The Heaths use what they teach. Each principle contains real-life, and not so real, examples of ideas stuck in people’s minds. The stories used are entertaining. Most notable is the urban legend of Kidney thieves.

While Chip Heath is a Professor of Organizational Behavior in the Graduate School of Business at Stanford University and Dan Heath has conducted research for Harvard Business School, they don’t throw technical information at you – that would break their principles. Their book embodies entertaining and practical stories. They also provide you with exercises, and allow you to compare your answers with their answers, to practice the principles.

…grab people’s attention in an information rich economy, get your ideas through, and make the message stick…

Teachers, public speakers, marketers, authors – anyone interested in improving their business communication – needs to read Made to Stick. The book’s ideas focus around the Curse of Knowledge, a principle that explains why experts fail to make their ideas stick in students’ minds. Business managers fall into the trap of thinking they have successfully presented their proposal, or convinced people to buy into their idea, when they finish a PowerPoint presentation. “What they’ve done is share data”, says the authors. Expressing your thoughts is one thing; it is an another thing to convince people and have them remember your words.

I purchased the book to help me better communicate the communication skills I teach in books and articles, but I found how important it is to use as much of the SUCCESs formula in your everyday conversations. Over the past few weeks, I realize how most charismatic and persuasive persons naturally use the SUCCESs formula.

If you want you, and your ideas, to be remembered in conversations and presentations, then the New York Times Best Seller Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die is the book you need. Grab your copy now from Amazon by clicking here.