What is the link between the following scenarios:

1. Your partner leaves the room in anger after another argument
2. A friend lashes out at you despite you having done nothing wrong
3. A child’s constant disobedience makes you frustrated and causes you to yell things you later regret

Thousands of situations like the ones above all have a common thread that play out in your life every year. There is a better way to handle the situation, but you cannot figure it out. Your emotions get the better of you and others as you poorly handle the situation. The answers and the secret human need I will show you how to fulfill is through a method of communication called “nonviolent communication”, also known as NVC.

The Answer to World Peace and Our Greatest Need?

The process I am about to discuss in this article is one created by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. The organization is a nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Rosenberg and a couple hundred other NVC trainers, conduct workshops throughout the world where they teach their nonviolent communication model. The NVC process has changed millions of people who learned the techniques directly from trainers or Rosenberg’s book, and people who have been fortunate enough to have those trained in the NVC process use the model on them.

If you are after a process that changes a person’s behavior, NVC is not the best one to use. NVC builds a deep intimate relationship and connection with effective communication by satisfying people’s needs. It achieves a level of connection most people never experience. It can be used to change a person’s behavior, but the primary purpose of the process is to help people face what matters with compassion to connect at a very intimate level.

Once you have gone through the process, then you can use your negotiation skills to persuade the person. If you try to persuade the person upfront before you use NVC, you will often find you are resisted and ignored.

When a person disagrees with you, refuses to comply with a request, or is angry at you, a poor communicator tries to firstly express oneself. The person seeks to be understood before seeking to understand. An NVC user seeks to understand the person, which in turn leads to their own need of being understood. Once you understand others, they often want to understand you.

Once you understand others, they often want to understand you.

The commonality of the situations mentioned earlier, and thousands of situations you experience throughout the year, is people’s desperation to be understood. Your angry partner wants to be understood. Your friend wants to be understood and will have almost zero frustration once you understand. Children want to be understood, which naturally compels them to talk with you about intimate issues. Nonviolent communication helps you understand people and have them understand you.

The need to be understood is possibly the greatest unmet human need. Fulfill this need and you will trigger new experiences, intimate sharing, and connect with people at the heart. Thanks to Dan Kennedy, a great marketer I intently learn from, I came across a quote by Cavett Robert, founder of the National Speakers Association, who said, “Most people are walking around, umbilical cord in hand, looking for a new place to plug it in.” If you can be that “socket” by understanding the person and empathically receiving their needs, you automatically share an electrifying connection with the person. Something about the person will change before your eyes. They will know something deep is going on without knowing what you are doing.

Unfortunately, the majority of people never arrive at this stage of electrifying intimacy. Answer this question truthfully: How many people truly understand you on a frequent basis? Think about the question for some time because it is important to understand understanding.

I ask this not to make you blame others for their failure to understand you, but to show you the scarcity of people who seek to understand. If you are like most people, you will not have one person that frequently and truly understands you in conversations. Few people care about understanding others, which causes themselves to be misunderstood. People who complain that “no one understands me” are constantly misunderstood because they live on a one-way street seeking to receive before they consider giving.

Violence is widespread because one group wants to be understood while another they are in conflict with also wants to be understood. The failure to see the others’ needs means neither gets what they want. The result is emotional and physical destruction. So much pain in the world is caused by misunderstandings.

The need to be understood is possibly the greatest unmet human need.

The anger and frustration present in everyday situations appears to be irrelevant to deeper issues, yet it is our inability to effectively face conflict that contributes to a global scale of war and hatred. Our everyday wallowing in resentment, frustration, and misunderstandings has as much – but probably greater – impact on peace and love than kind actions. If you cannot resolve your minor nuances in relationships that are suppose to be intimate and love-filled, you cannot expect nations who have hated each other for centuries to resolve major conflicts. To understand another person is a secret of world peace. “Peace cannot be achieved through violence,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “it can only be attained through understanding.”

The nonviolent communication process is simple once you know the process; though it’s not always a fun slide to ride on because emotional pollution clogs your use of it. With practice, you will become better at NVC and be more successful in your communication and relationships. Over time, provided you continually practice the techniques and polish your skills, you will become excellent at the process.

An Overview of Nonviolent Communication: The Four Steps to Compassionate Communication

The process has four steps: observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. There are really eight steps, however, because you firstly apply the four steps to the other person, then you apply them to yourself. Remember what I said before about seeking to understand before being understood? The first four stages make you understand people so you can be understood when you apply the four steps on yourself. This is the most critical part of the concept to grasp.

Unless the person is a compassionate communicator, go through the four steps first on the other person otherwise he or she will not listen to you. Use the visualization of a vacuum empathically “sucking up” the person’s communication. Until the person feels “cleaned”, you will be unable to clean yourself. Once you have sucked up the person, and hence understood them, you are then ready to use NVC on yourself.

Most people identify a few problems in firstly focusing on the other person. If you have not identified one of these now, you will as you continue to read about the process. The biggest concern I had with NVC is that you forgo your own needs, concerns, and emotions like anger. NVC prevents destructive expressions of anger and frustration via harmful attitudes and behaviors like the sarcastic teenager or the employee who does poor quality work. The process encourages you to express intense emotions – especially anger – in a healthy way that fulfills the underlying need.

At first glance, I understand the model may overwhelm you, but keep at it and reread the pages in this article to refine your ability to understand people and be understood. The NVC process as described in this full article will give you a good idea of what to expect in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program should you want to invest in it. It could be one of the greatest investments you make. Once you know how to understand people and help them understand you, you can mold your relationships however you want. It is time to kick into the first stage: observing.

1. Observing

The first step of the process has you observe something specific about the person that impedes their wellbeing. One example is, “When you see your children hitting one another…” You separate the person from the behavior and refer to a specific circumstance. People make predictable mistakes at this step.

The greatest mistake at this stage is giving an evaluation instead of an observation – because of this, I will thoroughly teach you how to avoid evaluations and observe in this section of the article. An evaluation is a judgment of personal opinion that lacks detachment and objective evidence. Judgments prevent observations and the recipient from feeling understood.

Think of a birdwatcher who carefully and calmly admires nearby birds. The birdwatcher does not disturb the birds. He watches to see the behaviors of the birds as he listens to the sounds they make. He may even respond to a bird’s sound in the same manner by whistling.

If people were birdwatchers and they tried to observe a bird (the other person), they would fire gunshots, scream, and throw rocks at the bird. These dangerous actions for the bird is the emotional equivalent to judgments and evaluations for people in the listening process. When we feel judged and evaluated, it drives us insane! We fly away, avoid the person, and do not talk about what really matters as the judgmental person incorrectly blames and wonders what is wrong with us!

When you supposedly “listen” to your partner, a customer, or coworker, your “effective communication” and “excellent listening skills” has you fire a gun with evaluations and judgments. My experience in communication has me estimate 99% of people fail at this stage of NVC because of evaluations and judgments. I am no exception because, even now, I occasionally fail at this stage. Do not get discouraged. The migration from evaluation to observation fights communication habits you have adopted your entire life.

Evaluations can take many forms. It means you do not receive someone’s communication in its real form. You observe the bird, but do things to destroy its natural, beautiful presence. You mostly “shoot a gun,” “scream,” and “throw rocks” with judgments, criticisms, blame, or generalities. Other mistakes include labeling, questioning, deflecting, and other communication barriers I will soon describe.

An evaluation is a judgment of personal opinion that lacks detachment and objective evidence.

Valued customers of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program know the common ways we intoxicate our ability to listen to others. I believe your ability to actively listen and be in the present moment without polluting the person’s message with your thoughts and feelings is one of the greatest communication skills you can obtain.

I will give you common examples of how people fail to observe by applying the 12 communication barriers in my program. Never before has it been made in clear detail the common mistakes people make that kill conversations. The first part of the dialog is person one while the second part is person two who uses the communication barriers:

1. Criticism – “I’m trying to improve my skills in that area.” “Good. Because you’ve really sucked at it recently.”
2. Labeling – “I wish you would do house work more often.” “You’re just a nagger.”
3. Diagnosing – “I don’t want to go out right now.” “You’re just saying that because you’re mad about last night.”
4. Praising – “There! Done! Happy I’ve done the work now?” “You’re great for doing that job!”
5. Ordering – “I need a break from working.” “It doesn’t matter. Do what I told you to do now.”
6. Threatening – “I need a break from working.” “It doesn’t matter. Do what I told you to do now or I’ll make you do more.”
7. Questioning – “I’m feeling depressed about what happened today.” “You’re depressed again?”
8. Moralizing – “I don’t want to donate to charity.” “It’ll be good for you to help out.”
9. Advising – “I can’t believe my friendship has ended with Jenny.” “You shouldn’t have talked with her about Bob the other day.”
10. Reasoning – “I’m so angry right now because of my boss at work today!” “You need to focus on getting a new job.”
11. Reassuring – “I’m worried about performing well at the presentation tomorrow.” “You’ve got great skill and will perform fine.”
12. Deflecting – “Argh! I can’t believe Jerry always bugs me.” “Oh, yeah. Speaking of people being bugging, his friend John annoyed me the other day.”

Each time the second person judged and evaluated when he or she had the chance to provide a healthy observation. We hate being judged, evaluated, and told what to do. In response to the barriers, people become defensive, argumentative, frustrated, and resistant to persuasion.

To further demonstrate the barriers and help you grasp the observation stage because it is vital to understand, here are more examples of evaluations and the reasons they are evaluations:

• “You’re very kind by helping out.” – The word “kind” is a moralistic and judgmental word. It is distinguishes the behavior as good or bad. The person gets evaluated as good instead of the person’s behavior as good.
• “I reckon Mary is ugly.” – The adjective “ugly” evaluates and criticizes Mary’s looks. Ugly is dependent on each person. Other people will like Mary’s appearance.
• “All guys are clueless about managing a relationship.” – Too generalized and not specific enough. Nothing productive can come from such statements. Blame, misery, and a lack of change can only develop.
• “She avoids me.” – This is a diagnosis because the person tries to interpret and read into the person’s behavior. The person needs to provide evidence why the woman avoids him or her. Also, the word “avoid” needs to be replaced with something more concrete, like “walked away from”, because it assumes the woman’s behavior when there are many possibilities.
• “Britney, you don’t like my helping you.” – How does the person know Britney dislikes the person’s help? The person tries to mind-read instead of stating something more concrete like Britney’s emotions or physiology that communicate her possible dislike.

It can be overwhelming to hear about the communication barriers because they dissect the most common problems you have in your communication. In these frequent problems rest enormous potential and opportunity to be a powerful communicator. Should you see the barriers in your communication, you help transform yourself into someone who powerfully communicates with people. You may already be feeling the power of the communication barriers.

Some communication barriers in the above examples can be eliminated and evaluations be removed when you be specific. You can be specific by referring to a past situation. An effective observation typically begins with, “When you hear…” or “When you see…” The goal of this stage is to reflect your observation to the person. It cannot be repeated enough that it must be specific and free of evaluations.

One saleswoman knew the NVC process well. An angry manager approached her about a poor recent presentation she did. If most “good communicators” were in the lady’s shoes, they would respond along the lines of, “You’re angry at me about a bad presentation” or “You think I do not give good presentations”. At first glance, the examples may seem okay responses, but they are general evaluations. The manager may not be angry about a bad presentation. He may also think she is a good presenter.

The woman listened to the manager’s concerns and gave a good response: “When you hear me give a presentation that fails to persuade a potential buyer who could have given our company half a million dollars…” A couple of other good responses the saleswoman could use in different situations include: “It sounds to me as though you are gravely worried about the project not being accepted…” and “I see my exclusion of [so-and-so] facts made you frustrated…” All these examples are observations without evaluations. They are specific and show understanding and empathy.

Additional examples of the observation stage, which I will build on throughout the article to explain NVC, follow:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office?”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend.”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight!”

The four lines are free from judgments and other evaluations. They show understanding and empathy. They build a connection with people as they feel someone at last understands them! A lot of times your observation may be incorrect, but this does not matter when you observe without evaluation because the person will happily correct you.

Observations… build a connection with people as they feel someone at last understands them!

Now you know how to apply the observation stage on other people (the first step of the NVC), let’s learn how to apply the observation stage on yourself (think of it as the fifth step). When you use the observation stage on yourself, it is also necessary to remove evaluations. This will clarify what you require to fulfill that need.

Common evaluative statements and possible corrected observations (which I will build on throughout the article to explain NVC) include:

• “When I hear you become angry…” – Assumes the person is angry. You need to avoid judgments and say what lets you know the person is angry. Correct statements include, “When I hear you raise your voice…” or “When I feel intimidated around you…”
• “When I see you avoid me…” – Assumes the person avoids you. You need to say what it is that makes you think the person avoids you. Correct statements include, “When I see you walk away from me…” or “When I cannot make eye contact with you…”
• “When I come home from work and see you annoy me…” – This starts off well, but quickly deteriorates. The person will become defensive when you say he or she annoys you. What is it that annoys you? A correct statement could be, “When I come home from work and see you lying on the couch…”
• “When you don’t like my cooking…” – Contains a judgment because the person is evaluated to determine if they dislike your cooking. It misses the true emotional content of the conversation. A correct statement could be, “When I don’t hear appreciation of my cooking…”

As you can probably see, observation statements of yourself typically start off with: “When I hear…” or “When I see…” Such statements initiate concrete evidence that lead you to a pure observation without judgment. You cannot judge or evaluate when you express what you hear or see.

A pure observation instantly reduces interpersonal violence, makes people feel understood, and increases your power with people. People open themselves to intimate communication and persuasion from your healthy expression that you understand them. Your understanding of people gives you the power to mold your relationships into the shape you want.

(There is a lot more to the 12 barriers I cannot explain in this article. Of the hundreds of communication books and programs I have been through, no other program has explained and made it easy for you to know what prevents you from connecting with people. I highly recommend you read the program by clicking here and grab your copy to learn more about the 12 communication barriers that kill conversations.)

2. Feeling

Once you observe the person, the second step of NVC is the feeling stage. The feeling stage has you identify the person’s feelings (the second step) and express your feelings (the sixth step).

Too often we get caught in the “what really happened” argument. Back and forth the argument goes to create destructive conflict. No one wins when logic gets the spotlight in conversations where people have an unmet emotional need. Feelings matter and deserve more attention than they get.

To continue from the example situations in the observation stage, the feeling stage of NVC follows:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless…”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted…”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic…”

Also, to continue from the provided examples in the observation stage for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared…”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached…”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted…”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed…”

Like the first step, people make common mistakes at the feeling stage that destroys effective communication. One of the greatest mistakes made at this stage is the inaccurate selection of feeling. I am an emotionally aware guy with regards to my own emotions and others’ emotions, yet I still express inaccurate feelings.

It is more important you accurately state your feelings than someone’s feelings because the person will likely correct their feelings you state. Unless the person has good communication skills and a good ability to interpret emotions, you are the only person who will accurately express your feelings. Choose an accurate feeling when you apply this stage of nonviolent communication on yourself otherwise the person will never understand how you truly feel.

To use the example “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached…”, if the person instead said, “When I see you walk away from me, I feel angry…” a misunderstanding occurs (assuming the person feels detached). It is easy to confuse detachment with anger. The person may be angry, but anger is not the real concern because detachment drives that anger.

Be responsible for how you feel and do not be responsible for how people feel.

A good emotional vocabulary is essential to nonviolent communication. The Nonviolent Communication book has a large list of feelings when our needs are being met and when our needs are not being met. I encourage you to read the list a few times to expand your emotional vocabulary. Alternatively, you can view a list of feelings online. When you expand your emotional vocabulary, you more accurately state what someone feels and what you feel.

The second largest mistake people make at the feeling stage of NVC is the wrong level of responsibility for emotions. We blame people for how we feel and blame ourselves for how they feel – we get mixed up. Be responsible for how you feel and do not be responsible for how people feel.

When you fail to be responsible for how you feel, you blame, condemn, and criticize people. You feel a victim of this world. You believe people are the source of your pain. You believe other people need to change. We all need to be continually reminded to take responsibility for how we feel because it is too easy to see ourselves as victims of people’s actions.

The other lesson to keep in mind is to not be responsible for how people feel. When relationships advance in importance, it is common to feel responsible for your partner’s emotions. If your partner is grumpy, you may feel responsible to make your partner happy. If your partner is sad, you may feel responsible to lift your partner out of his or her depressed mood. Statements such as, “What did I do to make you feel…” and “Have I caused you to feel…” are signals you feel responsible for someone’s feelings. Feeling responsible for someone’s feelings is dangerous to a happy and successful relationship because the person you feel responsible for becomes a liability. You feel they weigh you down.

I do not advise you to ignore the person’s emotions. In replacement of feeling responsible, you need to empathize. The first two stages do just that. Observe without evaluation and express the person’s feelings; do not judge the person or try to mind-read. This is far more helpful for you, your partner, and the relationship than manifestations of thinking you are responsible for people’s feelings.

The last point I want to make about the feeling of stage of NVC is taken from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program: avoid the logical argument and shift your focus on emotions.

Your partner storms into the room where you peacefully sit in your chair. “What the hell were you thinking when you did…!” Most people ignore the feeling and engage in a logical argument. In this example, logical statements could include, “I didn’t do that”, “That isn’t what happened”, and “You’re missing the point”.

Do not get entangled in a logical battle that cannot be won.

Do not talk about the content of your partner’s concerns. Do not get entangled in a logical battle that cannot be won. Focus on feelings through empathy. An effective statement would be, “You feel angry because you need…” This instantly shifts the conversation to what really matters: feelings.

One or two empathizing statements will not be enough when emotions are intense. Just keep going through the process and you will be amazed at the communication changes that take place. Follow the feeling stage of nonviolent communication, and you will understand people – and have them understand you.

3. Needing

The definition of a “need” says it is a requirement. For our use, it is also something you or the other person wants like personal space, silence, or attention. When you verbalize a person’s needs and your needs, two separated persons understand what it takes to resolve the problem and establish harmony.

Needs is a layer of communication that frequently gets submerged beneath the icy-cold waters of conflict. Rarely does someone express what they want. People prefer to destructively vent anger, complain about what they do not want, or whine about the problems that annoy them. Inside, they are frustrated individuals desperately wanting to be understood. When you look beneath the surface of someone’s behavior, you realize their feelings about unfilled needs is ignored.

Your first goal of the needing stage is to express the other person’s needs so both of you know what he or she wants. Your next goal is to express your needs to let the other person know what you want. These are the third and seventh respective stages of NVC. Once the two goals get ticked off, the couple understand one another, they become satisfied, and the relationship is more fulfilling.

To continue from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for the other person:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration…”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you…”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.”

There is one more stage to NVC, but you can already see the power in the process. The above incomplete examples have already shifted two frustrated individuals on different wavelengths to get in sync as they at last discover the needs of their conversational partner. Defined needs can be fulfilled (which is the purpose of the next step, requesting).

When you look beneath the surface of someone’s behavior, you realize their feelings about unfilled needs is ignored.

As with feelings, precision is not required when you express the person’s needs. People will correct you when you observe without judgment or evaluation. Listen to what they say. Empathically receive their hidden plea. If you do the observing and feeling stage then get confused at the feeling stage, ask them, “What is it you need?” Most times, if you say an incorrect need, your observation and feeling steps help them correct you.

Drawing back to the common mistakes people have when they try to express their needs, the lessons of responsibility in the feeling stage relate to the needing stage. It is common to blame and criticize others when you try state your needs.

A manager needs the daily quota completed, but he blames and criticizes employees in ways like, “You’re not working fast enough. I can’t afford for you to be working at this pace.” While the criticism and vague statements is an entire communication problem by itself, the manager has not said what he wants. The manager may want to achieve the daily quota and have good intention to help employees, but this is not the message received. The employees feel attacked and remain bewildered about their manager’s wants. I doubt this manager has a happy and productive workforce.

As another example of someone poorly saying their needs, a husband comes home from work and needs personal space. His wife needs intimacy and communication. The husband needs personal space, but instead says, “Not now”. The wife needs intimacy, but she uses the communication barrier of diagnosing by saying, “You never want to talk to me”. Not only has the couple failed to express personal needs, each partner also failed to provide a pure observation of their partner’s needs.

If you cannot express your needs, it is difficult for someone to fulfill them. That is obvious now, but the heat of conflict can burn your positive intent to follow the NVC process. You now know to express your needs – and follow other stages of NVC – but it is easy to blame, criticize, and avoid the techniques when anger gets the better of you.

In conflict, you feel attacked and mirror someone’s anger. This is not peaceful communication. You probably reason to yourself that if people change, then you would not become angry – that is reactive, blame-filled living.

There is an amazing thought that has worked for me to overcome this problem. It is something I use everyday to separate myself from people’s below-average behavior. The technique keeps my head above the water in difficult conversations as it prevents me from being dragged into the depths of someone’s anger, rudeness, and poor communication.

No one can control how you feel without your permission.

When I feel an urge of anger towards someone, I think, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response. The way I’m reacting is making me angry.” I allow my anger to surface (because anger is healthy) while reframing my thoughts. Possible reframes include, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response.” “I know she cares about me because of what she did for me last night.” and “He’s probably angry because he had a tiring day.” No one can control how you feel without your permission. As Marshall Rosenberg said, “I never have to worry about another person’s response, only how I react to what they say.”

This is gold. No one can make you angry; it is how you react that makes you angry. The messages you channel in your mind makes you angry. You “reason with yourself” the meaning of their shouting, swearing, and anger. You probably interpret such messages as signals of disrespect or their lack of care for you. It is this rationalization that makes you angry.

If you react instead of respond, you will be angry because your response is dependent on the person. The example reframes I gave you control your interpretation of the person’s behavior to help you be calm and maintain poise regardless of someone’s reaction. You become a powerful person when you are a rock of emotional stability. People cannot undermine your strong foundations. (Learn how to maintain your power and control in any tough situation by reading the Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program.)

When someone is angry, they have a need. It is hard to realize a need when you are fearful or angry, but an angry person poorly attempts to fulfill an unmet need by indirectly trying to make you aware of it. Knowing that a person’s anger originates from an unmet need prevents you from taking it personally. The needing stage of NVC helps you identify what they need.

It is crazy how out-of-tune you are with your needs. If you cannot express your need in a constructive and direct way – let alone have an awareness of your needs – it will always be a fight to effectively communicate. Be aware of your needs, then it becomes much easier to manage conflict, control your responses, and be nonviolent.

To continue from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety…”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness…”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax…”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated…”

Think at a level of needs to see the deeper, more powerful, reasons behind a person’s actions.

You may catch yourself saying an incorrect want or what you do not want. You want to be accepted, yet say, “I need to not be ignored”. You want to be touched, yet say, “I need you to not be distant”. You want to be understood, yet say, “I need to not feel misinterpreted”.

Do not expect someone to magically fulfill your needs when you fail to state what you want. Figure out your problems instead of traveling the easy path of blame.

If you have problems seeing someone’s needs, it may help to identify your needs throughout the day. Tune-in to your needs and it becomes easier to tune-in to someone else’s needs. I think this is because you begin to think at a level of needs. You become aware of what drives humanity. You see a deeper reason behind each word, gesture, attitude, and behavior. Think at a level of needs to see the deeper, more powerful, reasons behind a person’s actions.

4. Requesting

You have discovered the first three stages of nonviolent communication: observing, feeling, and needing. The final stage of NVC is the simplest. It is the most powerful step to change a person’s behavior. Once you use the previous steps of NVC, you supercharge your power to get the request fulfilled because you have dealt with the emotional layer.

The requesting stage has you offer a solution that fulfills the need. The solution should prevent similar problems from reoccurring.

The most important technique to keep in mind when you make a request is to be specific (“Would you be willing to talk with me for 10 or so minutes after dinner just to chat?”); do not be general or vague (“I want you to be nicer to me.”) A request cannot be completed if it provides too much room for error.

Specificity does not mean you control everything. You can be specific in your desired outcome without being a frustrated control freak. I recommend you study my model of accountability, the decision tree of leadership, to learn more about responsibility and getting things done, which at the same time empowers people to be their own person.

To continue on from the provided examples in the observing, feeling, and needing stages for the other person:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest. Would you be willing to workout a weekly plan regarding the household chores?”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration. Would you be willing to accept the changes this time and in the future we’ll ask you for your thoughts regarding the issue?”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you. Would you be willing to solve the issue with your friend?”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.” (This example does not really have a requesting stage because it is an unusual application of the NVC process. You could say, “I would like to come watch you.”)

Once you apply the four steps of NVC on someone, you are ready to use NVC on yourself. To continue from the provided examples for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety. Would you be able to keep a low voice the next time we argue?”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness. Would you like to cuddle when we’re alone and together?”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax. Would you allow me to sit down for 15 or so minutes after work?”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated. Would you say ‘thank you’ or give another form of appreciation around once a week?”

“Would you like…” is the typical way to make a good request because it does not order, threaten, or blatantly advise the person. You can come up with and test peaceful ways to make a request.

If the person does not want to follow the request, you need to jump back through the stages to keep building empathy. “You do not like my solution of lowering your voice. You feel something else should be done.” You want compassion first, persuasion second.

Give people time and space to process what you observed, feel, need, and requested. When someone tries to connect with you by reflecting what you said, the worst thing you can do is condemn him for not understanding you. I know someone who gets frustrated when you do not hear or understand what he says. The people talking with him are afraid to seek clarification. They pretend to hear him to avoid his anger.

Somebody says that you are sad, but you are actually depressed. Do not say, “You don’t listen.” Thank them for their effort to understand then clarify your message.

Another helpful point from the needing stage is to say what you do want instead of what you do not want. Be clear, be specific, and make it actionable. As an example, do not say, “You need to work harder.” Say something along the lines of, “Would you be willing to complete the daily report by 5pm each day?” Nonviolent communication creates change when you are compassionate and specific.

A Complete Application and Case Study of the NVC Process

You learned a lot about empathy, listening, and the entire nonviolent communication process. It is time to give you a full example of the entire process. The main points I want to show you is the application and how it is not as sequential as the short examples you read.

Rarely do you say all four stages at once because it lacks empathy. Your partner says, “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax. Would you allow me to sit down for 15 or so minutes after work?” “Woah! Slow down tiger. You’re feeling what?” You need time to absorb what was said, why it was said, and what will be done about what was said. It is difficult to experience the depth of all NVC stages in one blow.

The first, second, and third stages often occur many times. You can observe, feel, observe, feel, need, feel, need, and then request. It all depends on what is appropriate for the situation. Think back to the analogy I mentioned about the vacuum. “Suck up” the person’s communication before moving on. You will always “miss a few spots” and need to return to stages. This is not backtracking or signs of failure – it is reality. Marshall Rosenberg says you will know when you adequately empathize when the tension reduces or the person has nothing else to say.

Onto the complete case study. The italicized text creates and describes the scenario. The non-italicized text in brackets is my discussion of what is going on to help you understand the communication dynamics taking place and the reasoning behind the person trying to use NVC. You can stuff up the process and still have it work out.

You will know when you adequately empathize when the tension reduces or the person has nothing else to say.

Ryan and Jessica are married. Recently, Ryan has been watching a lot of television, playing computer games, going out with friends, and working. He has not given Jessica the intimacy she wants. She has pointed out the problem and tried to provide a solution, but like everybody, she has repeatedly used the communication barriers, which block open communication and powerful change.

Ryan arrives home late one night after going out with friends. Jessica has no clue where he went. He enters the house where the couple make eye contact. Jessica is keen to use what she recently learned about nonviolent communication, but her newness to the model means she is likely to make mistakes.

Jessica: (Jessica has been anxious about Ryan for hours and greets him inside their house with a very unhappy face.) “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick about you.”

Ryan: (Ryan has a smile on his face after arriving home from a good night out.) “Chill out. I’ve been out having a good time with my mates.”

Jessica: (Jessica’s emotions get intense causing her to become angry and forget the effective communication skills she learned.) “You want me to chill out while you’re out partying? Are you kidding me? You didn’t even tell me you were going out. You’ve been out having fun all the while I’ve been stuck here at home!” (Jessica has been caught in a logical battle with Ryan. She is talking about facts and trying to logically argue with him. The issue here is an emotional one, which means her focus needs to be on emotions.)

Ryan: “That’s why I don’t tell you because all you’re gonna do is annoy me. You’re a nagger. It’s not like I have to tell you everything.” (Ryan has become angry and joins Jessica in the conflict by using three communication barriers. He has diagnosed, criticized, and labeled.)

Jessica: “Ha! You’re like a little child. You don’t take responsibility for anything. I do all the work in this relationship.” (Jessica has criticized, labeled, and used universal quantifiers – all things that will make Ryan defensive. She has taken Ryan’s criticism as a personal attack and becomes angrier because she has failed to recognize that Ryan tried, though poorly, to met his needs.)

Ryan: “Oh! And you’re little miss perfect? You’re just a big pain in the a**!”

Jessica: (Jessica realizes she has forgotten nonviolent communication and sets herself back on the right path. She takes a moment of silence and breathes deeply to clear her head.) “You feel annoyed and this makes you angry.” (Jessica has turned her focus towards Ryan and first seeks to empathically receive what he has to say. NVC begins!)

Ryan: “You do more than annoy me! All you do is tell me what to do! You’re a stupid control freak and a b****!”

Jessica: (Most people say one good empathy statement and expect to receive an accolade. Few people notice it, but they will feel your empathy over time. Jessica keeps focused on the process.) “When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel controlled.” (Jessica has reflected back another one of his statements by using the observation and feeling stage. She begins to see he has an unmet need of freedom, which prevents her from feeling attacked.)

Ryan: “Yes! I hate it when you constantly nag me! I just want to have fun without you being a damn pest!”

Jessica: “So I can understand what is annoying to you, is what I said tonight an example of the nagging?” (Jessica is unsure of what he means by “nag” and so she asked a good question to clarify what he means. She needs to be careful about taking responsibility for the way Ryan feels.)

Ryan: “That’s just one small example of you being a damn pain.”

Jessica: “When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need freedom.” (Jessica has observed, felt, and identified a need.)

Ryan: (Ryan begins to calm down though he is still agitated.) “No! I… I just don’t like having to run everything through you like your some boss.” (Jessica wrongly identified one of Ryan’s needs, though it did not matter because he clarified himself.)

Jessica: “When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need independence.” (Jessica has rephrased her previous statement with a different need. She is attempting to identify Ryan’s unmet needs, which will lead to a solution.)

Ryan: “I do need independence and you’re not giving it to me. You control me. You’re not fun at all. You’re just a pain.”

Jessica: “You feel detached from me when you hear me tell you what to do.” (Jessica jumps back to the beginning of the NVC process by shifting her focus onto another feeling. Notice her empathy instead of reciprocating the attack.)

Ryan: (The tension is reducing.) “I guess that’s right. You’re no fun anymore. All you do now is annoy.”

(There is silence.)

Jessica: “When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel annoyed because you need more joy with me.”

Ryan: “That’s right.”

Jessica: “Would you be willing to help me become more fun?” (Jessica sensed the tension in the air dissipate and felt Ryan has said what he wants. Therefore, she made a request.)

Ryan: “I’d love to.”

(There is silence.)

(Jessica has used all four stages of the NVC process on Ryan. She is now able to use the process to express her observation, feelings, and needs, and make a request for Ryan to change his behavior.)

Jessica: “When you constantly go out without me, I feel detached.” (Jessica made a poor observation by evaluating with the word “constantly”.)

Ryan: “I don’t constantly go out!”

Jessica: “You feel frustrated because you don’t go out much.” (Jessica realizes Ryan may have another need then switches her focus back on him.)

Ryan: “Yeah.”

Jessica: (Jessica senses the number of times he goes out is not an issue and so she switches her focus back on herself.) “When you do not go out with me like tonight, I feel alienated from you. I need to be close to you a few nights per week.” (Jessica has made an accurate observation without evaluation and has given Ryan a specific example of the behavior she dislikes. She has also been able to identify her need of intimacy with Ryan.)

Ryan: “I see. You need to be with me whenever I go out?”

Jessica: “Thanks for telling me your understanding of what I need. To clarify what I meant, I don’t mind if you go out by yourself, but for example, like tonight I wanted to go out with you because I need physical closeness with you.” (Jessica thanks Ryan for trying to understand her even though he misunderstood. Most people would have felt frustrated, and started an argument, from Ryan’s excessive statement.)

Ryan: “Okay.”

Jessica: “Would you be willing to tell me what you’re doing so that we can go out more often?” (After completing all seven stages, Jessica finally makes her request to change Ryan’s behavior. This is usually the first thing people do; not the last.)

Ryan: “Sure – provided that you become more fun like we said earlier.”

Jessica: (Jessica hugs and kisses Ryan in huge relief. They have solved a problem ruining the relationship for months.) “Agreed.”

There are many possibilities that could have taken place in the above scenario and changed the communication, but the scenario beautifully demonstrates how nonviolent communication is applied to real life.

When you use this powerful type of communication for the first time, you may cry or have your conversation partner break into tears. Crying is good. When nonviolent communication opens the relationship, mental and emotional dams erected over years from misunderstanding smash down as intimacy gushes into the relationship. New emotional structures get built to form peaceful relationships when you use NVC overtime. “Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process,” said John F. Kennedy, 35th American President, “gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.”

(Read my review of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and visit the provided link where you can order a copy of the book today. Secondly, if you felt this article touched you, the “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” will bring more magic in your life because the skills and advice in the program strongly interconnect with nonviolent communication. Learn about the program here.)

As I drove, the open car park gave me an invitation to have a little fun with my car. If landscapes could talk, this one was whispering into my ear that I should spin the wheels. “Besides, it’s late at night. No one is around. It’s an open car park with no danger. Do it!” Like a vulnerable teenager succumbing to peer pressure, I accepted the invitation.

My foot pressed the accelerator as I spun the wheel left to get quick around the first corner. The rear tires lost their stability as the car slide side-ways. The car became an extension of my body as it mimicked my ecstatic mood. I entered the next turn and spun the wheel right. The sound of screeching tires was water fertilizing my increasing smile. Smoke filled the rims of my tires and a shot of adrenaline filled my body.

Following the two consecutive drifts, I straightened the car and approached a set of traffic lights on the main road that would take me home. Had this been during the daytime, about seven cars would be in front of me before the upcoming traffic lights.

My friend who had left before me had passed through the traffic lights three seconds ago so the lights were still green. Keeping in the mood, I put my foot down to catch the green light. I would safely make it. I turned around the corner with a soft screech of the tires. 20 meters in front of me on the side of the road were two police officers beside their vehicle. Lucky me.

The police pulled me over. Opposite to what you might be thinking, I was not concerned. I was still in my elevated state. I smiled. I wound down my window and an angry officer came charging at me, yelling, “What the hell are you thinking? What the hell is going through your mind?” I paused momentarily, unaffected by his aggressive state. I said smilingly, “I’m just happy, I guess.” Not a smart response. Not a smart response at all.

My happy mood seemed to pour fuel on his already raging fire. “Bloody hell mate! I could just give you a ticket right now!”

As I thought how to approach this difficult situation, I was still happy then it hit me. I knew I should have said something else. I gulped. My mind rushed to think of some communication techniques I could use as a life boat to save me from drowning in the conversation. All that came to mind were some techniques on getting out of a speeding-ticket. I annoyed the officer enough so surely it couldn’t get worse.

My smile began to lower. I no longer made eye contact with the officer. The officer’s raging mood began to infect me. He was making me feel angry. It was as if my body was overcome by an emotional virus from the officer who was the virus’ host.

I thought of the techniques to get out of a speeding-ticket and realized I was already beginning to use them. It was too late to make the officer feel safe as he approached the car, but I needed to no longer act oblivious to my mistake. I needed to show respect as officers are in a clear position of authority and often experience disrespect throughout their day that only makes them more determined to convict guilty citizens. “You’re right,” I replied. “I was stupid and careless.”

The officer was still enraged and continued to threaten me with a ticket. I knew he could easily write me a ticket, but he was not writing one. I kept myself aligned with the officer’s reality by remaining in a “Yes I’m wrong, stupid, and shouldn’t have done that” mood. I continued to play psychological judo, and match my mood with his own, until two minutes later he said to drive away. And oh, no ticket!

I drove off – though feeling pleased I had beaten a reckless driving ticket – in an irritated state. The officer had destroyed my happy mood. It took two minutes of talking with the officer to completely transform my happy state into a joyless, gloomy mood, which I remained in for another two hours until I went to bed.

The Science of Emotional Contagion – How Two Minds Infect One Another

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.Maya Angelou, poet and actress

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.Mark Twain, highly quoted writer

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.Anonymous

I am involved in all of mankind.John Donne, 16th century poet

My story depicts your reality with emotions. Everyday you interact with people in different moods. Sometimes you are happier than people; other times they are happier than you. Emotions transfer between people. This is a fascinating peculiarity with emotions. Have you ever noticed how we feel in our interactions is not only dependent on our internal state?

• How did you feel when someone really annoyed began talking to you? You became more annoyed.
• How did you feel when someone unhappy began talking to you? You become unhappy.
• How did you feel when a depressed person shared their misery with you? You felt depressed and miserable.
• How did you feel when a charismatic person talked to you? You felt his energy and you began to feel happier.

You can catch an emotional cold.

Psychologists call this phenomena “emotional contagion”. It is a psychological and physiological process – a transference of emotion that can occur from mimicking body language. Elaine Hatfield, a professor at the University of Hawaii, in a study with John Carlson and Christopher Hsee, had college students watch a videotape of a man describe two very emotional experiences: his life’s happiest and saddest events. While the college students watched the tape, they were taped so the researchers could record the students’ emotional responses. The students were also asked what feelings they experienced for each story at the end of the video.

Researchers found that students showed and expressed the recorded person’s emotions. The student’s felt happy when they watched the man describe his happiest event. The students felt sad when they watched the man describe his saddest event.

Hatfield and her two colleagues, John Cacioppo and Richard Rapson, in their co-authored book Emotional Contagion, say the psychophysiological phenomena occurs from automatically matching facial expressions, vocalics, postures, and movements. Hatfield says, “People tend to experience emotions consistent with the facial, vocal, and postural expressions they adopt.”

When you really listen to a friend, empathy puts you in their shoes to experience what they talk about. The friend describes an argument with an ex-partner, the yelling, the misunderstandings. You vividly see what your friend talks about. The experience lets you feel the pain your friend feels. Well-known psychologist Albert Bandura says the shared experience results in a shared feeling. That is the price of listening: not only can you catch a cold, but you can catch an emotional cold.

Mirror Neurons – The Mind’s Mirror

There is a scientific explanation behind how our emotions – an experience of mind and body – transfer to somebody else. In 1980s, three Italian researchers made what is said to be one of the greatest neuroscience breakthroughs in recent times: discovering the mirror neuron. Three researchers in an experiment attached electrodes to a macaque monkey’s brain. This enabled the researchers to determine what movements caused what neurons to activate. As the monkey reached for food, the researchers took note of single neurons being fired.

One time when the electrodes were still attached to the monkey, the researchers grabbed a piece of food themselves, then handed it to the monkey. To their surprise, the researchers saw the monkey’s neurons fire! By accident, the researchers had discovered that when they grabbed a piece of food, the monkey had the same neurons light up as if it picked up the food. The researchers came to name these neurons “mirror neurons” because they were like the mind’s mirror. The mirror neurons reflected what the person or monkey saw.

The finding may appear insignificant, yet the breakthrough discovery has lead to researchers to better understand autism, empathy, altruism, and general learning. Mirror neurons are responsible for tuning-in to another person’s behavior. The neurons are responsible for an awareness and shared-feeling between two people. This one type of neuron is responsible for the significant role of learning, understanding, and feeling.

How to Make Others Feel Great

An amazing, almost mystical link takes place to connect the brains thanks to the mirror neuron. A signal sent from either individual in the psychological connection travels via the link to similarly affect the recipient. Hatfield says, “We reflect what they feel.”

Smile at a baby, or almost anyone for that matter, and the baby’s mirror neurons fire to trigger an automatic smile. That is why the age-old saying, “smiling causes the whole world to smile with you”, is true. Not only is emotional contagion a replication of another’s emotions, but it is a biological dance. It is an interlinking of mind and body.

The biological dance is an important part in group dynamics. Janice Kelly, a professor of psychological sciences at Purdue University, says emotional contagion causes people to converge into an affective homogeneous group. In other words, group members experience the same emotions overtime as their fellow members. Kelly says that people with highly expressive body language are more able to impose their emotions on others. The distinctive nonverbal signs allows individuals to pick up on the person’s emotions and become infected by their emotional state. Here we see another age-old saying, “monkey see, monkey do” proven.

How to Be Great

Another age-old theory of staying away from toxic people because they pull you down is now a physiological and psychological fact. Being around suppressing or uplifting people affects your body and mind. We were born for interaction and connection with one another. We are a social animal.

If you study self-help, you know the benefits of making friends with wealthy people if you want to be wealthy. If you want to be happy, you make friends with happy people. If you want to be confident, you make friends with confident people. If you want to be funny, you make friends with funny people. Observance creates transference.

Observance creates transference.

Athletes often play their sport better after watching superior athletes excel in the same sport through the magic of transference. You come to pick the characteristics you see in others because they infect you with their style, knowledge, and emotions. Being around people you want to be like is a secret of self-transformation to stimulate that emotional desire needed for growth.

Whether you intend to be infected by someone or not is irrelevant to mirror neurons because they are responsible for imitating other people. You do not decide to take in the exposure – the adaption from mirror neurons is an automatic process. Our parents told us to avoid hanging out with the wrong people for a reason. “People are like dirt,” said the classical Greek philosopher Plato. “They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.” It is reality that you absorb the characteristics of people you observe.

Put yourself in a group where the individuals are depressed and you will become depressed. Put yourself in a group where the individuals blame others and you will blame others. Put yourself in a group where the individuals are prejudice against blacks and you will become prejudice against blacks. Or in my case: do something stupid on the road in front of a police officer to make him angry so you become angry.

Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Mirror neurons are not all bad news. In fact, they can be wonderful! Mirror neurons do not have to be the only source of influence on your mood or way of thinking. You can still be with depressed, blame-filled, or prejudiced individuals without taking on their characteristics. Therapists, social workers, and doctors are a few categories of professionals who need to work with people in the “don’t infect me with your emotional disease” category. Even so, people in such professions have a harder time making themselves immune from emotional diseases because mirror neurons are a part of the brain every moment of life.

Though you and I will always be around less-than-optimal people, we need to put ourselves around people who have the characteristics and emotions we want. We naturally gravitate towards these people. They have a set of likable characteristics that draw us to them to bring out the best in ourselves. As Mark Twain said, “Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

The Brain’s Low Road and High Road: Brain Secrets to Smart Living

While emotional contagion is an important variable of the formula to become who you want, it is also important you do not rely on other people to make you feel good. Letting the emotional parts of your brain (mostly the almond-shaped amygdala located deeply beneath both sides of your temples) roam like a child on the street is dangerous. Neuroscientists say you can control emotional responses to a certain extent.

When our ancestors faced a dangerous predator, they had to make a quick decision, an emotional response void of time-consuming rationalization that puts the person’s life at risk. Their eyes would widen and pupils dilate to visually take in more information. They received a shot of adrenaline to increase the supply of oxygen and glucose to muscles for strength and speed. Unnecessary bodily functions like digestion became suppressed. In terms of brain functions, neurological signals detour the slow responding “high road” and take the “low road” to produce a quick response. (I recommend you grab Daniel Goleman’s Social Intelligence to better understand the neuroscience behind emotions).

In a low road response, the sensory signals bypass the cortex and go straight to the amygdala to produce a reflexive response. Going straight to the more primitive amygdala produces reflexive, unconscious decisions. Neuroscientists say these primitive parts of the brain are difficult to change.

One low road response could be your reaction to a loud bang. The ear-busting sound causes an adrenaline response like widened eyes, dilated pupils, and increased supply of oxygen all in the first few milliseconds you hear the sound. You quickly look towards the bang to rapidly calculate whether it signals danger. If you cannot see the source of the sound, you unconsciously resort to social proof by looking at people’s faces to see their reactions and how you should respond. These decisions take less than a second.

Babies are frightened by loud noises because they have yet to discover that loud noises can be safe. You would scream, cry, and sprint away from loud noises if your brain overtly emphasized the low road in everyday living. This is where the high road, a more analytical neurological path in your brain, comes in to better control your emotional responses.

The high road is a slower response path that uses the logical parts of the brain like the frontal cortex and the hippocampus (your memory) to respond appropriately to stimulus. These brain parts are vulnerable to neuroplasticity that describes physical change. The brain gradually shapes itself by learning that all loud bangs are not dangerous.

After the first seconds following a loud bang, your brain transitions over to the high road by analyzing the situation. While the low road is responsible for reflexive decisions beyond your control, the high road can jam a cognitive wedge in the low road to help you better adapt and survive. A cooking saucepan dropping on the hard kitchen floor does not trigger you to bash on a neighbor’s door for help.

The Scientific Method to Be Happy and Likable

Some neuroscientists say it is impossible to control all emotional responses due to the brain’s low road producing a quick response for survival. Researchers agree you can put your brain’s high road to better use. When you think about an emotional response, you use the logical prefrontal cortex to override the signals received by the emotional amygdala. This is where neuroscience meets personal development.

One of my favorite techniques that uses my high road to take me to happiness, stability, and understanding is reframing. In reframing, you manipulate your initial interpretation, often a quick-response, in a situation to produce a response that benefits you and your relationships.

A powerful reframe described in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program is positive intention framing. In positive intention framing, you identify the positive intention relevant to the limiting situation. Let’s say you are in a serious argument with your spouse. Most people in such an argument let: 1) the low road control the argument as they react impulsively and later regret what they said during the heated disagreement and 2) emotional contagion infect themselves with a negative mood for hours following the argument. You can have a degree of control over impulsiveness and emotional infections by reframing.

A positive intention reframe could identify your spouse’s yelling as their need to be heard, understood, and received; instead of a personal attack. Alternatively, you could positively reframe your spouse’s yelling as a welcomed release of frustration so you can listen to what concerns him or her.

The purpose of positive intention reframing is to stop you from thinking your story is right and that hidden information exists. It does not directly manipulate your emotions, rather it opens your mind to empowering options, which alters your emotional state. Reframes use your prefrontal cortex to take the high road and interpret the situation in a way that lets you act resourcefully. Reframing is proven by research to be one of the most effective anger management techniques. (I give you six other specific, easy-to-use reframes for any situation in my program, which you can read about by clicking here.)

The Shocking Truth About Happy People

Happy people are experts at reframing initial interpretation (“He is a ****head for cutting me off in traffic!”) into empowerment (“He mustn’t have seen me”). They use their prefrontal cortex to take the brain’s high road. What happens outside does not matter because their mental attitude is what matters. “Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions,” said Dale Carnegie, “it is governed by our mental attitude.”

Contrary to what you may think when someone is angry, happy effective communicators do not think positively to stop themselves becoming angry. Let’s say an aggressive person talks to someone with effective communication skills. The effective communicator is able to defuse the aggression through their communication style even though the emotional aggression is still received. A good communicator feels the aggression, but they reframe their response, which enables them to control emotional contagion and a destructive low road reaction. They see it in frames such as, “He’s trying to get me to understand him.” or “I enjoy the problem coming to surface instead of it remaining hidden where it eats away the relationship.” These frames let the effective communicator efficiently respond.

The happy effective communicator does not avoid anger. The happiest people get angry, cry, and accept emotions. Happy effective communicators are so because they embrace all emotions and open their minds to other interpretations.

Happy effective communicators embrace all emotions.

Happy people express anger by owning it (“I am angry!”). The problem of emotional contagion in bad communication, therefore, is not the current emotion, but how it is expressed. Blaming someone for your anger (“You’re a ****en idiot!”) makes them angry. When you harmfully express anger, the emotional infection escalates. Alternatively, suppression of anger avoids reality as resentment builds and the relationship withers away to its death.

In terms of depression, emotional contagion and reframing is no different. Depressed individuals seek isolation to feel better about themselves. The isolation compounds their depression – an ironic effect. The solution to depression is too complex for discussion in this article, yet sufferers are better off interacting with happier people to beat depression than being in isolation. They need destructive interpretations (“I’m a loser”) reframed into ownership and empowerment (“I’m feeling down today”). Similarly, they should make mirror neurons benefit themselves by smiling – even if it feels artificial – as it forces the body to be happy.

Emotional contagion can work for you or against you. Its affect is decided by how you use the high road of your brain.

The Best Technique to Change People’s Emotions: Emotional-Leveling

We now see how reframing controls your responses to situations. What about other people’s responses? Should you let other people react in whatever way they happen to react? Can you use a technique to uplift other people and have emotional contagion help your relationships?

In general, do not worry about people’s responses because your response is what matters. Worrying over people’s responses is a powerless concern for the future. Trouble results the moment you try to directly manipulate a person’s emotions just like your own emotions.

Do not worry about people’s responses because your response is what matters.

Forcing your happiness on someone unhappy, negative, or angry is counter-productive. When I was happy and smiling, the angry police officer became more infuriated.

The next time someone around you is angry, look them in the eye, smile, and tell them, “What a beautiful day!” The person will become more angry and say something like, “It’s a disgusting day.” At times your happy attitude may change someone’s unhappy perspective, but the technique is unreliable because it suppresses present emotions. What is an effective communicator to do when emotional contagion creates an ineffective, unproductive environment?

On one level you need to prevent yourself from being a carrier. When you talk to a friend in need, you are faced with the challenge of empathizing with your friend’s pain. You draw yourself into your friend’s struggle and feel the same pain. (True empathy does not make you a carrier.) At another level you need to prevent other people from being carriers. Sometimes people go nowhere productive and you need to put them into an emotionally empowering state. These mood challenges exist when you want to bring the best out of people.

The technique of reframing minimizes the likelihood of you carrying a dangerous emotional virus, while a technique I call “emotional-leveling” helps you prevent people from remaining in states that do them and others harm. Doing these two things controls emotional contagion to build happiness, power, and healthy relationships.

The emotional-leveling technique firstly adjusts your emotions to reflect the other person’s emotional state. You then slowly raise your emotions and simultaneously theirs with emotional contagion and mirror neurons until the person enters the desired state. The technique does not try to manipulate the person’s emotions; it encourages them to feel one’s emotions and then move forward in healing. (I cannot emphasize enough that you must allow others to accept and express their emotions. Do not use the emotional-leveling technique to avoid emotions.)

Again, you firstly connect at their level. Do not fight anger with happiness nor should you reciprocate verbal aggression. If the person is aggressive or depressed, take on a similar emotional level to build empathy and understanding. If an aggressive person walks around, walk around with him or her. If someone talks fast, you should also talk fast. For a depressed person, show you are also feeling depressed without developing depression. Be slower in your movements, speak softer, and have similar facial expressions as the person. Your goal is to enter their state without escalating the problem.

Once you connect at the person’s level and let him or her process present emotions, you then raise your emotional state. Make a joke or use a reframe on the situation. How does the mindset of this technique differ to being an annoying happy person smiling at everyone? Instead of reaching down to pull the person out of their emotional hole only to have them reject your assistance, you jump in the hole and let them stand on your shoulders to climb out.

Your reframes get accepted because you are in the person’s emotional state! If you were happy and told an unhappy mate who recently broke up that he should lighten up, he will reject your reframe and dislike you. On the other hand – and this is where the power of emotional-leveling comes in – if you are also unhappy after communicating with him, such that he knows you share the same emotional state, he will accept a reframe like, “Break ups are painful, yet they allow you and I to meet future partners we will love.”

If you combine the reframing technique with the emotional-leveling technique, you control your emotions and thoughts and help other people control their emotions and thoughts. These two skills help you and others express, share, and manage emotions that otherwise harm relationships. You transform what would normally be a destructive emotional outbreak into a positive outbreak.

Emotional contagion is a fascinating topic. You can make the psychological and physiological phenomena work for you instead of feeling you are its victim. Interact with people you want to be like. Reframe situations to travel along the high road to happiness. Make people’s mirror neurons mimic your rising state and their biology will become like yours. It seems like magic, but it is science.

Carl Rogers, a pioneering psychologist in the 1950s on human relations, said love, genuineness, and empathy are three essential pieces to constructive communication. Many studies since then support Rogers’ theory. When we fail to love people, we fail to communicate in a way that supports ourselves and people. Love is the core of powerful communication. Think about it for a moment and I’m sure your experiences confirm love is the heart of effective communication.

It is unfortunate we are not taught how to love people. Instead of learning how to love, we learn to fight. Instead of learning how to love, we learn to defend ourselves. Instead of learning how to love, we learn to get our point across in a debate. It is no wonder society is deprived of the core energy that drives humanity.

This article will help you love people more. It is not about falling romantically in love with someone, though the advice can help you in that sense. You will learn how to love people to empower your communication. I will give you a logical nine-lesson plan you can easily follow. Loving others will bring an abundance of love into your life.

What is Love? It is Not What You Think

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.Sophocles, 496-406 B.C.

What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things, instead of using people and loving things.Author Unknown

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.Bible, New King James Version, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is a tough subject for anyone to address. Not many people agree with a common description of love. As Haddaway’s classic hit is titled, “What is Love?” Some say it is a willingness of sacrifice, some say it is blindness to flaws, while others say it is unexplainable. Some say it is an intense devotion or affection, but that can be neediness.

Just hearing the subject of “love” makes me cringe. Love is twisted by society – not only by younger generations who are often picked on in this area – into a form that destroys its pure meaning. People think they are in “love” because they feel attraction or have been in a relationship for many years, but this does not comprehend pure love.

I’m not particularly fond of most material on love because the subject tends to categorize as romance. “Do nice things like give gifts and the person will love you.” Romance does not describe love – not even an act of love because romance by itself can be superficial and manipulative.

Love is beyond actions. Love is beyond reactions. You don’t wait for love to be created. Something deep works in pure love.

Love is beyond actions. Love is beyond reactions. You don’t wait for love to be created.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg attempted to explain love in his triangular theory of love. The theory is applicable for interpersonal relationships. It categorizes love using three scales: 1) intimacy, 2) passion, and 3) commitment. Variances in the three scales produces types of love. It is only when all three are present that a pure form of love, known as “consummate love”, can develop. Consummate love is the ultimate form of love an individual can desire.

A more applicable description of love to the style we want in this article is explained by Susan Hendrick and Clyde Hendrick in their love attitudes scale:

1. Eros love is based on physical appearance. It describes superficial love.
2. Ludus love is a game based on conquest. Pick-up artists (PUAs) often experience this type of love. PUAs love to conquer women. When one succeeds at getting a woman into the bedroom, he quickly loses interest in her.
3. Storge love is gradually built from similarities and friendship. The transition from friendship to love is often unclear.
4. Pragma love is more rational than other types of love as it is based on practicality. An extreme form of Pragma love is prostitution where financial gains rationalize attachment.
5. Mania love is very possessive and unstable. Strong feelings of insecurity, neediness, and jealously drive attachment.
6. Agape love is selfless, unconditional, and often spiritual.

Agape love most accurately describes the type of love we wish to have towards family and friends. We want to unconditionally love those with whom we desire to effectively communicate; not just when these people do something nice for us or when we are in a good mood. Agape love does not change when the mood or circumstances change. Agape love remains when the person you feel agape love for does something mean to you. It is unconditional and withstanding – almost divine. It is our goal here to develop an agape form of love.

The Power of Self-Love

The selflessness in agape love we wish to develop is one beyond sacrifice. It is beyond confining boundaries and a lack of concern in fulfilling one’s needs. Selflessness is about focus, attitude, and action towards others while retaining self-love. It is not about sacrificing your needs.

There is nobody more unloving than one void of self-love.

Selflessness in an area you lack resources can lead to unhealthy selfishness, which worsens by its supposed solution of selflessness. Neediness comes from poor self-love. There is nobody more unloving than one void of self-love. Being desperate for love diminishes the love you give and receive.

Rarely are selfless actions self-less. Selfish actions misinterpreted as “self-less” fail to remove the self from the action. Unselfish actions that undermine the needs of the giver builds resentment that destroy selflessness in the action. The self-less person may be a people-pleaser quietly harboring resentment from ignoring his needs and desires that have potential to kill a relationship. This makes him feel invaded and discounted.

Be selfish in the healthy sense before you are selfless. All selfishness is not wrong. If you need to be alone while your partner wants your presence, you might need to be selfish. Greed is different to healthy selfishness. In mathematics and life, you cannot give what you do not have.

To give love you must firstly have love. You can only be truly selfless when you love yourself. It is in selfishness and the selflessness of agape love that we get our first lesson on how to love someone:

1. Love yourself to love others

If you are Christian, Jesus is your unending source of love. If you are not into religion, the most reliable source for love is yourself. You do not need to approve of everything about yourself, but you do need to accept yourself. You will always have flaws you dislike. Accept it. Only by loving yourself can you love others.

The Give-Take Relationship of Love

As babies, we were dependent on our guardians. We would cry to be feed, cry to be warmed, and cry to be loved (some adults have hardly changed). We wanted to receive without giving. The only thing we gave was emotional warmth and love, yet that was out of our control accidentally created from people’s perceptions towards us. Perhaps the only true thing we gave as a baby was regurgitated food.

As we began to age, we became more “independent”. We were able to feed ourselves, make ourselves warm, and put a shelter over our heads. Rarely does our growth extend beyond this independence or dependence. We are still that crying baby who wants everything without giving.

On the rare occasions we give, we hope to receive something of higher value in exchange. We give because of reciprocation. A part of this problem comes from our teachers and parents advising us to avoid people who take advantage of us. We get conditioned to not be conned by someone who fails to return a favor.

The principle of reciprocation is a double-edged sword that can empower you. It states that humans have an inherent desire to return favors. When something is seen as a favor, not an obligation or expectation, we react by reciprocating something to the person of equal or greater value. By giving we usually receive more than what we gave. Give love to others to receive things you cannot comprehend.

Give love to others to receive things you cannot comprehend.

Unfortunately, when we do give and do not instantly receive, our giving stops. The expectations we create are the demise of our giving. Our expectations, which exceeds results, makes us dissatisfied. If you think you need to receive love from others in order to give love, you live reactively. The more you get, the more you want. Neediness disables you from loving people.

Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says most people interpret love as a feeling, a reaction from events. Hollywood drives us to think love is a product of circumstance – a feeling out of our control. People who live reactively to their environment blame others and situations for a lack of love.

Covey says “proactive people make love a verb”. They create the life they want. The greatest lovers in the world are people who live by their value of giving love instead of reacting to the moment. It is through loving that love is created. This is our second principle:

2. Simply start loving to love

We live in an interdependent society reliant on people, as they are on us, so we need to give. When we love others, they often in turn love us. It is easier to love someone who first loved us. The purpose of loving yourself is to create love in your life so you can love. An active creator of his reality does not wait for the right circumstances – he does what he wants complete.

Agape love is not dependent on firstly receiving love. Agape love is free from limiting conditions. It gives without receiving. Mildred Norman Ryder, also known as the “Peace Pilgrim”, nicely said, “Pure love is a willingness to give without a thought of receiving anything in return”. This gives us our third lesson of loving someone:

3. Give love without expectation of receiving love

You may fear giving love and receiving none in return. Rejection is scary, but protecting yourself blocks the flow of love into your life. The need to receive love in exchange for love is needy, approval-seeking, and destructive. Reduce your need for someone’s approval to empower yourself to love the person. Agape love is unconditional. Loving someone without the expectation of being loved in return, takes you one-step toward radical personal responsibility and unconditional love.

Daniel Goleman in his revolutionizing book Social Intelligence looks at the science of human relationships. He emphasizes the need to go beyond ourselves. When we overcome self-absorption, we can connect with people and love them. “When we focus on others, our world expands,” says Goleman. “Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”

How to Create Love Everywhere in Your Life

The worry of giving without receiving is scarcity. We fear being conned, taken advantaged of, and receiving unfair treatment. Scarcity assumes love is a limited resource. It means there is a finite amount of love in the world so you better keep what you need to yourself. Your perception of love makes your survival dependent on hogging the resource.

When we focus on others, our world expands.

What you think is rare can be everywhere. Extend your self-love to others. Self-love empowers your giving of love compared to the limitations of giving it from guilt, ego, and scarcity. “Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay,” said the singer Michael Smith. “Love isn’t love until you give it away.”

Though scarcity can work against us when loving others, it can also work for us. The principle of scarcity states that we value a resource more when it is rare. Knowing love is scarce in the sense it can be lost, makes you value it more. This gives the fourth lesson to love someone:

4. There is no better time to love than now

If you lose a loved one, you know the value of love in that moment. Some people are too late to express their love. They regret failing to communicate their love to someone no longer with them. Do not be someone who devalues what is in your life until it disappears. A love-filled person knows their love in a person’s life counts. Tell someone important to you right now, “I love you.”

How to Transform Pain Into Pleasure

You may use experiences to justify the lack of love in your life. It is your choice to overcome feelings of blame, resentment, and hatred towards others. Yes, it is literally a choice.

I’m not saying to ignore historical emotions like pain and anger, but rather to do what you need to recover. When you experience such feelings, you fight an uphill battle that discourages you from loving who “caused” these feelings. Take anger, for example. It is not bad. Anger signals a problem you need to work through, a conversation you need to have, or a cry you need to share.

A loving person knows their love in a person’s life counts.

When you feel anger at someone for a bad event in your life, you lack radical personal responsibility. It is a sign you are reactive rather than proactive. Men who complain women are “bitches” and women who complain men are “jerks”, are examples of two types of people who lack personal responsibility. Once you accept radical responsibility, you release anger. You allow love to enter your life.

Treat the pain to experience the gain. The elimination of emotional pain through radical responsibility gives you the fifth lesson to love someone:

5. Heal blame and resentment to make love possible

Will the acceptance of radical personal responsibility remove all your bitterness towards others? No. It is not about the removal of anger, but altering your victim mindset that people cause your pain. Every second you decide how to respond to the world. Use the part of you that has you behave beyond everyday annoyances to accept radical responsibility.

Resentment comes from blame. Iit needs a mention by itself because of its destructive capabilities. Resentment is a powerful emotion that builds in size when you fail to forgive someone and take responsibility. Learn the art of forgiveness to erase resentment. We think we hurt others with an attachment of resentment, but we only hurt ourselves.

What If You Really Dislike Someone?

When I teach people to love others to improve their communication, they often complain they cannot love, forgive, or even like someone in their life. The underlying story of their argument is something unique in their history excludes them from being able to love.

While this hints that the person is yet to forgive, they mistake love for liking. You can dislike someone you love. Jewish philosopher Martin Buber saw that love is a choice while liking is more reactive. We do not always choose who to like, but we choose who to love. Your sixth lesson to love people is to remind yourself:

6. Loving is not liking

It is possible to love someone you dislike. Love is not a group of feelings even though feelings accompany love. What you feel is a result of what you did. Hit movies trick you to believe love is luck.

Love is a choice. You choose to love yourself because it is best for you. Decide to love people because you want the best for them. There is your seventh lesson:

7. Want the best for people

My Secret to Love People and Communicate Better

You may be held back from wanting the best for people because you are hurt. What helps me to always want the best for people, overcome pain, and see love in everything, is to think about the meaning of “appreciate”. To appreciate is to increase in value. Therefore, to be grateful for everything in your past, increase your feelings of value toward your experiences. To be grateful for your present, value the world around you.

Here is a useful exercise to help love people you resent. It will make you grateful for everything in your past and present, and create an abundance of love in your life. This exercise will create our eighth lesson:

8. Be grateful for your past and present

Think of significant positive and negative events in your past. Make the events things that changed your life. Summarize them on a piece of paper in separate rows. If you have a painful memory of how your parents raised you, you could write, “I hate the way my parents abused me.”

Beside each significant event, write what you are thankful for about the event. It can be tough to spot a lesson in a problem – you may need to think about it for sometime. A benefit exists – it always exists. I suggest you read Mind-Lines to conquer the challenge of seeing empowering qualities in challenges.

If you disliked how you were raised by your parents, you could be thankful for:

• The independence they created in you
• Your new knowledge on how not to raise children
• The desire they gave you to lovingly raise your children

People who value lessons and opportunities, instead of being absorbed in pain and problems, are sometimes accused of delusion. Negativity and pain is no more real than positiveness and pleasure. Hate is no more real than love. You decide to be grateful for everything in your past and present. You decide to be loving. You decide to communicate well.

Being grateful for everything in your past and present removes pain. It makes you aware of the abundance of love in life you ignored. We now have our ninth and last lesson on how to love someone:

9. See abundance and you will be exposed to an abundance of love

Love is everywhere. It is in our past and present. It will reside in our future – more so if you follow the advice in this article. “Although humans inherit a biological bias that permits them to feel anger, jealousy, selfishness and envy, and to be rude, aggressive or violent,” says Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan, “they inherit an even stronger biological bias for kindness, compassion, cooperation, love and nurture.”

It is your choice to see the abundance of love because it is real. It is also your choice to use your biological gift of compassion and love to bring an abundance of this precious energy into your life. “Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain,” said love expert Leo Buscaglia, “can we truly know what love means.”

The law does little to protect victims of workplace conflict. Nearly all laws do not take into account verbal conflict, but if the verbal and other emotional abuse approaches physical abuse, the issue can become a legal concern. The typical employee who faces a difficult manager, however, needs to handle the workplace bully through a series of skills in this article.

People who lack the communication skills to deal with a bad boss either:

1. Endure the bully. These people put up with intimidation from the bullying boss. They may lack self-respect or assertive communication. They may feel at risk of losing their job if they tackle the problem.
2. Bully the bully. The people taking this action face their boss by reciprocating aggression. The problem often intensifies as a fight break outs or each person does things to sabotage the other.

First Common Reaction: Endure the Bully

The first reaction to a bullying boss is a passive response. In this response you forgo your needs while your boss tramples you. The last thing you should do during abuse is accept the abuse.

Address the issue in the correct manner otherwise your confidence, happiness, amd your work will suffer. Recipients of aggressive behavior who incorrectly handle aggression are known to develop health problems such as strokes, heart attacks, suicide, migraines, escalated stress levels, insomnia, and terrifying nightmares. One anonymous person often dreamed her boss pointing a gun at employees so they would complete their work.

Passive people suppress their own needs and get dominated by others. They live in frustration. Their anger bottles up inside. They lack the communication skills to address the problem, hoping the abusive person stops bullying out of goodwill.

People in this first category of responding to an aggressive boss sometimes avoid the issue due to fear. You may avoid defending yourself and accept the aggression in a work situation – especially with someone that has authoritative power – from fear of losing your job, being demoted, or undergoing further abuse.

I’m not hear to say your fears are irrational. Losing your job is a real threat because most who stick up for themselves do so aggressively, which creates further problems. The end result for people that choose this first response is a win for the bully and a loss for the passive person.

Second Common Reaction: Bully the Bully

The second common reaction to facing a bully is aggression. People who aggressively self-defend often have more confidence than passive individuals. They think the only way to get what they want is through retaliation. It becomes fire against fire. When an aggressive employee faces an aggressive boss, a fight starts as two individuals take to a verbal boxing ring, mentally beating each other’s minds.

People can be aggressive for several reasons:

• They were abused by their parents at an early age or placed under other emotional trauma.
• They are mentally ill. I’m not jokingly referring to a mental illness, but a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia or a personality disorder.
• They think the only way to stop someone else’s abusive behavior is to reciprocate the abuse.
• The aggression is a release of anger often caused by avoiding an issue that is irritating them. This behavior is otherwise known as “passive-aggressive behavior” where the person is frequently passive, but randomly explodes to release their frustration. After the occasional and often unexpected outburst, the person returns to passiveness.
• The person is in a high pressure environment. High stress work environments make its employees prone to unhealthy behaviors.
• The aggressive individual may try to prove his superiority, control, discipline, or focus on results to others through aggressive behavior.

While aggression in the workplace may create sufficient productivity, it is strongly correlated to a high turnover rate (said to be an average of 1.5 years) and other commitment problems. Employees fake sick days, become miserable, sabotage work, and lose passion for work. Aggressive managers end up creating an unproductive workforce. “Bully the bully” is a loss for the manager and the person originally bullied.

A Third Rare Action: Assertive Communication with the Boss

The first common reaction is a passive response. The second common reaction is an aggressive response. A median response known as “assertiveness” exists between these two common reactions and produces a win-win response. Where passive communication fails to respect yourself and aggressive communication fails to respect the other person, assertive communication respects everyone.

Assertive communication techniques can stop bullying, stop your fear of facing difficult issues, and build your self-confidence to create a nice working relationship with your boss. Assertive skills can transform your inner and outer conflict.

A Step-by-Step Approach with Techniques to Cure a Bad Boss

In this section you will get a series of techniques shared through a scenario to help you face an aggressive boss. Use as many techniques as you can in everyday life because assertive communication does more than help you handle an aggressive boss. Assertiveness helps you face aggressive people and other difficult personality types like controlling people.

The first step to handle an aggressive person begins before you open your mouth. Prior to approaching your boss about the problem, ask yourself: “What can I change in my behavior to solve the aggression?” Asking this question helps you own your behavior. It builds self-responsibility and stops you blaming others over what you control. This first step may solve the problem and eliminate aggression because you were the problem.

…this first step may solve the problem and eliminate aggression because you were the problem.

Additionally, before you approach your boss, develop a plan of what to say and how you can solve the problem. Prepare to make the conversation productive. Even if you think of good solutions when preparing for the conversation, remain flexible and willing to adjust your behavior to satisfy your boss. A willingness to compromise is assertive.

Once you approach your boss, be calm and responsive. Calmness is not enough because it can show ignorance and increase aggression from a lack of responsiveness. Behaving unresponsive hurts empathy and makes it difficult to diffuse an aggressive person’s emotions. You don’t want to ignore an angry boss!

When you are calm yet responsive, you will not become aggressive. When you remove your aggression, you will reduce your boss’ aggressive communication because the two of you are no longer in a destructive cycle of anger. Fire needs some sort of fuel to stay alight. By keeping calm yet remaining responsive, you remove the psychological fuel needed to keep your boss’ aggressive fire burning.

Have the right mindset of resolving the problem at hand. When faced with difficult people, it is easy think you are right. Guess what? Your boss also thinks he is right! This is why conflict feels like swimming with a shark – you sometimes have to compromise yourself to move the problem forward. Be the first one to step towards problem resolution.

Now that you understand these concepts and techniques, it’s time to approach your boss. Find the best time to talk with your boss. Do not try and solve this problem in an intense emotional situation. You may need to wait until the end of the day, or even the end of the week, until you believe the boss is approachable.

As you address your boss, the best thing you can do is ask for his opinion and point of view on the matter. If the person is unaware of his aggression, bring up a specific situation where the person became aggressive. This is an excellent technique that builds an awareness of someone who refuses to acknowledge their aggression.

When you begin a tough conversation by asking for the person’s point of view, instead of blurting what you think and feel about the situation, your persuasive ability builds from a newfound perception. You may see a new side to the story when you practice good listening skills. Asking for your boss’ point of view will help you understand, and even help, your boss understand why he is aggressive. Your boss will feel understood when you actively listen, which can lead to many great outcomes.

After your boss has made suggestions, begin to give your ideas about the problem. Keep calm and stay focused on resolving the problem while avoiding personal attacks. Ask for your boss’ feedback on ideas. Make it a joint solution so each of you follow through with the final plan. A mutual solution is always followed through by both parties more consistently than a solution forced on one person.

A mutual solution is always followed through by both parties more consistently than a solution forced upon one person.

Take note of the positive points your boss shows in his behavior during the discussion then compliment him on these. Tell him how happy you are for him to listen and be in the conversation with you. Keep the conversation positive as problem solving can seem negative – even though it is good for people.

If none of these techniques work – provided you have talked with others about the problem and tried your best to stop your boss from behaving aggressively – ask yourself: “What’s more valuable to me: my happiness or my work?” Without knowing your exact situation, your happiness is more valuable. Should your boss continue treating you poorly, have the courage to respect yourself. If the only way to stop an awful boss is to quit your job, so be it.

Work is a task people hate for 40 years of their life. It does not have to be that way. You no longer have to be in an unproductive and miserable working relationship. Value yourself and do something about your aggressive boss the next time you go to work. You may start to love work. Your livelihood depends on it.

(The techniques presented in this article have been adapted from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. This program is a revolutionary way to charismatically change minds – even in difficult situations like how to handle a cruel boss.)