How do you know when to end a long-term relationship? When you know it’s best to finish it, how do you end a long-term relationship without having the person burn your house down? This article answers these questions.

The Most Common Mistake When Ending a Relationship – and What to Do Instead

The normal way to determine if you should end a relationship is a pro-con scale. You analyze what’s good and bad then weigh the points against each other. This creates the dilemma and confusion of when to terminate a long-term relationship. “No connection is there, but he’s so nice to me.”

Mira Kirshenbaum, in her book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, describes the “ambivalence” we experience in relationships. There’s the good side of a relationship where you’re financially looked after or you’re not beaten. Then there’s the bad side where your needs are ignored, you’re emotionally degraded, or you’re with an addict. Positives exist but so do negatives causing the pro-con scale to not be of help in your final decision.

…use a diagnostic method much like a doctor uses symptoms to diagnose a disease.

The correct approach Mira suggests is to use a diagnostic method much like a psychologist uses criteria to classify mental disorders or a doctor uses symptoms to diagnose a disease. If your relationship exhibits certain symptoms – notably something like abuse – it’s diseased and you are better off ending it.

Advice For the Married Reader

Nearly every book and article I discovered on this topic helps you decide if you should end a relationship from a selfish standpoint. The summary is: if you’re not happy, end it. A healthy marriage is more complex than that.

Marriages around the world end because men and women are unhappy then unwilling to honor their vows working through the inevitable challenges. One man thought he should end his marriage because he no longer loved his wife. “I just don’t love you” is not a sign the relationship should end. Love is a skill. You can learn how to love people to rebuild a relationship.

I believe marriage is another ballpark to the discussion here. What’s revealed is not intended to fully apply to marriage. I don’t want the signs of an ending relationship revealed to be reason for you to get out when things get tough. That’s selfish. The self does not always precede others.

Two become one in marriage – your unhappiness doesn’t justify divorce. No marriage exists without the couple changing and working through problems.

10 Signs of an Ending Relationship

How do you know if your friendship or date is on the brink of finishing? Below are some symptoms of a dying relationship. If you spot several signs of an ending relationship, that alone is not enough reason to terminate it. The signs are just indicators of the current relationship condition:

1. You break their boundaries. Respect is absent.
2. You’re more resentful than usual. This shows up in irritability and fighting over little things.
3. You fight less. Whatever happens, happens because you no longer care.
4. You jump to harsh conclusions. For example, your partner is late to arrive home from work so the thought of an affair crosses your mind.
5. You describe the person to someone in unflattering words. Similarly, if someone else belittles the person, you agree and feel satisfied.
6. You find yourself spending less and less time together.
7. You have chronic boredom. This means you do little together, aren’t having fun, and don’t enjoy each other’s company.
8. Promises aren’t kept.
9. The two of you remain at emotional opposite ends. This signals no rapport, a disconnect, and a lack of love. The relationship is weak when it doesn’t bother you the person is hurting.
10. You’re concerned you’ll find signs here that apply to your relationship.

If you saw one or two signs in your relationship, don’t freak out, call the person up, and say it’s over in a crying mess. Let the signs be red flags for you to address. We all make relationship mistakes that can be solved.

What’s not a sign of an ending relationship is fighting. Conflict is healthy to have so it’s important you resolve conflict when others avoid it.

7 Questions for When to End a Long-Term Relationship

For our diagnosis, ask yourself the following seven questions. These are filters that indicate you should end the relationship:

1. Has there been multiple occasions of physical violence in the relationship? All violence is inexcusable. If you answered yes, get support, be safe, and leave. You deserve better than abuse.
2. Does the person have a behavior like an addiction that makes the relationship difficult to be in and they’re unwilling to change? Most people are addicted to something. The questions to consider are: What? How destructive is it? And are they seeking help?
3. Were times ever good together? The relationship may have been doomed from the start. The question gives you a higher perspective that current problems can be worked through. People change so don’t forever clasp the past trying to recreate it.
4. Do you want to bring up important issues? It’s good if you actually do it, but a desire to address an important issue is enough indication you care for the relationship.
5. Have you chosen a goal like a career move that must exclude the person? There’s no reason to keep a relationship going when you’ve already decided the person being in your life is not viable. Be honest to yourself and them.
6. Aside from positive traits and current problems, do you and the person like each other? Not an easy question to answer because it’s difficult to see through resentment.
7. If I told you it’s okay to leave, would you feel responsible for your decision, say yes, and be relieved?

A less important relationship may not be worth fixing.

Having gone through the seven questions, do you think you should end the relationship? You may want to not cut the relationship and instead correct the problem pulling you two apart. If the person behaves destructively, consider expressing what you expect from the person. If your career has you travel around the world, describe the scenario then let the person decide if he or she wants to be part of it.

A less important relationship may not be worth fixing. These are relationships easy to create with new people and ones you care little about. It is natural and common to end invaluable relationships. You have dying relationships where the investment of time and emotional energy to revive the relationship is better spent elsewhere.

How to End a Long-Term Relationship in 8 Simple Steps

Leslie Baxter from the University of Iowa in her Strategies for Ending Relationships: Two Studies paper analyzed how people end relationships. The communication researcher found that how you end a relationship depends on relationship closeness and your perception of what caused the relationship to rot. Dating for one week and got cheated on? You may dump via an angry text and leave it at.

If you want a plan to end a relationship because you don’t know how, I’ll give you a simple eight-step process. Most difficulty in ending a relationship comes from you not wanting to hurt the person. Here you take responsibility for their feelings – a toxic trait. Release yourself from controlling other’s emotions and instead focus on being responsible for yours.

You can choose from the indirect and direct options. The indirect option is letting nature pull you apart. You stop doing nice things, you skip deep conversation, and time causes you to split. The direct option of splitting up face-to-face is more difficult. Use this process:

1. Think through what the person will say. This isn’t to make you a rigid robot, but aims to put your best foot forward.
2. Share a quiet place between the two of you.
3. Begin by saying, “This isn’t easy for me to bring up because I know it’ll hurt you, but I need to do it.”
4. State your reasons without rambling. If the person wants more detail, they’ll ask for it. When you clearly give reason to why you’re ending the relationship, you help the two of you move on. Not understanding the justification for splitting up is the number one reason someone fails to get over a relationship break up.
5. Be specific where possible. Say, “The other day when you…” instead of “You don’t care for me anymore.”
6. Expect and accept strong feelings from the person. He or she will feel rejected and likely deal with the emotion by making you feel guilt. Don’t let their game alter your stance.
7. Avoid reassurance (“Things will work out for you”). It is a frustrating communication barrier to hear and an attempt to stop the person from feeling hurt. Nothing you say will change their hurt.
8. Learn some techniques of how to say no so you stand your ground.

Stop driving yourself crazy. You know the signs of when to end a long-term relationship and how to do it so get off the fence and pick a side. If you choose to leave, you’ll look back in 1 year and be happy you made the decision.

If times are tough and you decide to try make the relationship work, keep learning and developing your relationship skills and eliminating the 12 communication barriers. Relationships are hard. That’s why they’re so satisfying.

This is not just an article to help you be assertive – it is a complete guide about the psychology of saying no. Too many people struggle to decline an offer, say they won’t help out, or reject a dangerous substance with confidence. Forces like guilt, peer pressure, and an inability to assert oneself makes people say yes, which puts them in situations they later regret.

Saying no helps with two main categories of situations. Firstly, it helps to avoid what is asked of you because of personal preference or your inability to fulfill the request. This category of situations involves donating to a charity because you have already donated to them, helping a friend when you have a more important task to do, or working overtime when you are going on holidays. You enjoy helping people, but you cannot help due to poor time, financial resources, or mental incapacity.

The second category of situations where assertive skills protect you are made of events that endanger your well-being. This category includes situations with drugs, alcohol, excessive stress, and loss of family-time. You have the time, money, and energy to give, but the situation is more threatening than the first category and ugly implications deter you from engagement. Saying no is difficult because you are coerced into compliance with peer pressure, guilt, intimidation, fear, or worry about being perceived as weak.

Why You Must Draw a Line: The Necessity and Benefits of Asserting No

It is vital for your wellbeing and your relationships to draw a line – and not cross it – in either category. When you fail to say no, you become resentful, bitter, spread thin, and risk your health. Your poor ability to say no has indirect effects difficult to comprehend.

Two serious situations in the second category of scenarios is being pressured into doing drugs or sex. Never accept a life-damaging decision due to intimidation and peer pressure when you can say no. It is a bonus if the other person respects your decision – not a necessity.

Most situations do not have the dangers associated with drugs, alcohol, or sex. You are peppered with requests day-in and day-out. Time is limited to do the necessities and the little extras you want. You must say no to people to get through the day with sanity.

You must gracefully say no if you’re to become a successful, powerful, happy individual. This assertive skill gives you the freedom and control to put your efforts where it matters most. Tony Blair knew he had to lead the United Kingdom by turning down requests and making priorities. “The art of leadership is saying no, not yes,” said the former Prime Minister. “It is very easy to say yes.”

I frequently tell, or ignore, casual website visitors and even subscribers who email me requesting my help with their communication – not because I’m a prick (or maybe I am) – but because I cannot let my time be consumed in ways where greater opportunity costs exist. People pay me five figures to receive one-on-one coaching so it is unfair for them to not receive special treatment.

Freebie seekers take whatever they can from others with no respect for who they take from and no desire to return favors. Be wary of saying yes to these people. They can control your life.

Stop hurting yourself by doing activities that contribute nothing to your values and long-term aspirations (this is the best skill I believe to increase productivity). Accepting more requests than you can handle as your most important tasks get overlooked makes you:

• do less enjoyable activities
• feel agitated towards loved ones from your repressed passions
• feel unfilled and unproductive
• develop a low self-esteem from the “but-I-work-so-hard-and-don’t-succeed” syndrome

Your poor ability to say no has indirect effects difficult to comprehend.

Research proves the guilt that drives human compulsion to say yes, wears down the body through stress, exhaustion, and mental dilapidation, as depression and a lack of passion develops. “Saying yes when you need to say no causes burnout,” says Duke Robinson, author of Too Nice for Your Own Good. “You do yourself and the person making the request a disservice by saying yes all of the time.”

Your leadership with work colleagues, family, or participants of a social group improves when values are clear. Learning to say no will improve your leadership skills as you develop a better team environment where you appropriately delegate tasks. You avoid tasks because you “do them best” and no longer micromanage people – two common problems for entrepreneurs. People can surprise you with their skills if you just let them, leaving you to complete other activities.

When you get good at saying no, others begin to respect your time and make less requests of you. You train people to behave a certain way with you as they avoid petty requests they know will be declined.

Once you become good at assertively saying no, your words will pack power when you comply with the request – something people previously took for granted. The “yes” becomes a clear crest rising from still waters, ascending people’s expectations. Scarcity makes people appreciate rarity over commonality.

Why It’s Difficult to Say No

Your boss asks, “Can you please put in another hour at work?” Do you give in or do you make an assertive stand? You crumble faster than my poor baking by giving in to the demand. Why do you say yes too often? What can you learn from this to be more assertive?

Maybe you do not say no because you think it’s selfish. There is nothing deep and messed up about you. You most likely just lack assertive communication skills.

Saying no like all assertive skills and techniques is not selfish under appropriate circumstances. Assertion generates a win-win result. Assertion is not a problem; it is a solution to one. A lack of assertion causes a win-loss result as you suffer from poor health, regrets, and low quality relationships. Frequent assertion can be inappropriate, but most people are too passive and don’t need to worry about this problem.

If you are a rarer person who aggressively declines a request, you still find it difficult to assertively say no, but situations affect you in a different way compared to passive persons. Pressure, stress, and intensity of a request grows for you as it eventually becomes too much and causes you to shout, “NO!” or degrade the person through remarks like, “I’m not doing what you say” or “You can’t tell me what to do”.

A compulsion to give because of guilt takes away the purist meaning of giving, which is to donate happily and freely.

Aside from communication styles, the most common reason people say yes is their guilt. The moral and social emotion dictates them to follow requests and orders. Charity workers sometimes instill guilt or shame in people so the only way they can alleviate the emotion is by making a donation.

Guilt compels you to give – often a good thing, but harmful when you want to say no. When your decision to give time, financial assistance, or any donation is made to avoid uncomfortable confrontation or guilt, the motive takes away the purist meaning of giving, which is to donate freely for the benefit of others. Giving is best done voluntarily otherwise resentment forms.

How to Eliminate Guilt in Saying No

Guilt is not bad like other emotions such as anger and anxiety. It exists for a reason. Guilt tells a message you need to hear.

People feel guilty when saying no because they lack or have a conflict of values. When you passionately believe an organization such as a racist group does not deserve a donation from you, saying no is simple. You feel no guilt. Your values against racial discrimination make it easy to feel zero guilt in saying no.

If you feel guilty by not donating to a good charity (a gray-colored situation compared to helping a racist group), your values are misaligned. It’s not that you don’t have values about helping people and organizations. One value compels you to give money or time (“Good people help others”, “I want to help the less fortunate”, and “I can give to receive”), while another value tells you otherwise (“You can’t afford it”, “You’ve got others things to do”, and “They don’t need what you have to offer”). Selecting one value or the other makes you feel guilty because the other value is ignored. A conflict of murky values spawns an unclear problem. It’s no wonder guilt can create an internal mess.

You can overcome feelings of guilt when saying no with an awareness of conflicting values, then align yourself with your highest values. If spending time with your children is more important than work, you can eliminate guilt about not working overtime. If doing your most valuable task at the start of the day is more important than a recreational activity, you can decline your friend’s offer to play sport with him and not feel guilty. If good health is more salient in your life than drugs and alcohol, no guilt or peer pressure will compel you to consume either. Identification with your most important value lets you make the decision to fulfill that value and happily stand by it.

To rid lingering guilt, sometimes it helps to revisit important values. Recite what values are important to you and why (“I’m not taking extra work home because my family-life suffers when I feel stressed”). Heavy guilt like any strong emotion communicates a message that needs attention. If further guilt surfaces, the problem is more complex and may need therapy to solve.

Let’s now discover the “how” of saying no.

Body Language – Saying No May Be Unnecessary

Saying no in some cases is enough. Without good body language, however, a simple no may not work.

If your body language is assertive, your words will be more assertive. Body language strengthens or weakens any verbal statement. If you lack good body language, any statement will lack power to be taken seriously. When words and body language conflict, you can bet people accept the message sent through body language as truth.

I was frequently asked to work extra hours at my old workplace, a supermarket where I packed shelves. I often lied to get out of working extra time, “I have university in the early morning.” The truth was I wanted to get home so I could work on EarthlingCommunication.com. I hated packing shelves, hearing I must work faster (it was low employee morale), and being criticized for not meeting productivity expectations. Sometimes I got out of work with minor guilt, but other times I had to work. The reason a lie saved me from prison while other times it sentenced me to additional time behind employer bars was the nonverbal cues.

When words and body language conflict, you can bet people accept the message sent through body language as truth.

When we tell the truth, our bodies naturally communicate the message with confidence. When we tell a lie, our bodies naturally communicate the message with low confidence. For this reason, I recommend you avoid lying by saying no for a true reason.

If you decide to lie or just want to enhance the strength of any assertive message, I have three assertive body language techniques for you to follow.

First is a eye contact technique. When the request is made, look into the person’s eyes for two seconds, look away for two more seconds, and then back into their eyes before making your statement. This provides a “thinking gap” that lets them know you pondered their request.

Do not give them a blank “dumb” stare. Make it a look of thought. Once the four seconds expire, simply say no or a variation of it provided below. This communicates confidence in your decision and that you are unlikely to change. The person will be less likely to repeat the request after you use the technique.

The second important tip in saying no through assertive body language is keeping consistent facial expressions. If you were bored before the request, don’t suddenly be animated otherwise the person will know something is up. Remove smiles or frowns, raised or lowered eyebrows, and anything else that communicates a negative or positive stance on the issue. Generally, a boring face shows you are unaffected by the person’s request.

The third important tip to put your noes on steroids is to maintain nonverbal smoothness. Keep your demeanor consistent with your demeanor prior to the request. Speak at the same volume, tone, and speed you did prior to saying no. Make smooth, minimal, confident movements. Nonverbally communicate subsequent requests with the same response as your first no.

A sign of unease hints at a lie to compel the person to persist in the request. If you suddenly have a nervous twitch when saying no, alarm bells ring for the person who will likely persist until you comply. Switching the topic and using sarcasm are two indicators of unease. The only different movement I recommend you have is shaking your head side-ways to nonverbally communicate your assertive message.

10 Proven Ways to Say No

There are many ways to say no that I’m about to describe below. You can choose a version you think is best for the situation without tying yourself to specific words and phrases that most articles on this topic advise because the following variations to say no are concepts, not word-for-word statements to mirror:

Plain No. Guess what this one involves? All you do is say no and move on. It is the least effective method, but this stock technique can work in simple situations.

Mirroring No. This variation involves sympathy where you communicate an understanding of the person’s situation, then follow it with your declining statement. Understanding people increases persuasive power. Let’s say your child’s sports coach asks you to be the team manager. You could respond with a “mirroring no” by saying, “I understand you’re after a team manager. It must be tough trying to organize the team, but I won’t be the team manager this season.”

If you do not understand someone, the person feels disconnected from you because we value those who understand our situation, feelings, and point of view. A misunderstood requester reasons, “You don’t understand me so you don’t understand the situation. I better keep bugging you until you do.”

Reason-Why No. One Harvard psychologist in a study gave his partner in crime a stack of papers to photocopy. The subject was told to try and jump the photocopying queue through one of two statements. When the subject said, “Excuse me, I’ve got five pages. May I jump in and use the machine?” 60% of people complied. When the subject said, “Excuse me, I’ve got five pages. May I jump in and use the machine because I’m in a rush”, 94% complied. The researchers discovered that providing a reason with a request increases compliance.

Providing a reason with a request increases compliance.

If a charity worker asks for a donation, you can say, “No I won’t donate because I’ve donated to another organization last week” or “No I won’t donate because I don’t want to”. Reread the second example and you will notice something peculiar: the reason provides no new information just like “I’ve got five pages”. Everyone in the photocopying line has pages to print, yet giving a reason makes the request more persuasive because we comply more often when given a reason. (I just used the technique on you!)

The requester may use a similar variation of this technique on you. Be wary of the person who gives a reason for their request to stop yourself getting sucked into a situation you want to avoid.

You can use the reason-why technique in combination with assertive body language and another variation of saying no to really pump-up your assertive power.

General No. The “general no” prevents the requester feeling isolated. Your goal is to come across as if you would decline the request with anyone in that situation. The variation is great for people who request money. A friend asks you for a loan to which you reply, “Sorry, I won’t. I don’t lend money to people.”

Delayed No. Simply say, “I’ll get back to you at a later time.” Meanwhile, the person may find someone else to do the job or the problem may solve itself. You also give yourself time to think of what to say if the person makes the same request later on. The “delayed no” technique is great if you’re a manager, entrepreneur, or team leader when someone drags you from an important task. People may only come to you because you willingly helped them in the past. They often are capable of solving their own problems.

Conditional No. State the conditions that govern you accepting the appeal. Decline if the conditions are not met. Only use this technique if you are willing to accept the request because the person may align their initial request with your listed conditions. As an example of the conditional no, your boss asks you to work overtime to which you reply, “I can work overtime, but only for one hour. If an hour isn’t good enough, I’ll have to say no.”

Painful No. Emphasize the future pain the person would experience if you decline the request at a later time. If your boss asks you to take on an extra assignment, you could say, “For both our sake I’m going to say no. The quality of my work declines when I’m not focused on one assignment. I don’t want to give you bad work, hurt my position here at the company, and as a result, make you get someone else to redo the assignment at a later date.”

Solution No. Decline the request then suggest someone or a work-around the person can use to solve the problem. As an example: “I cannot go out with you tonight because I need to work, but if you need transport, there’s a good bus service near the shops.”

Be careful throwing another person in the hole you occupied when they might hate it. Connect people you believe will help one another and both will benefit.

Repetitive No. The “repetitive no” variation uses an assertive skill known as the “broken record technique”, which repeats a statement. Say the same “no statement” over and over until the person stops their request. People slightly change repeated requests, but keep the statement unchanged. Here is an example scenario:

“Can you help me move house this weekend?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“I really need help. Can you help me move house?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“It’ll only be for a few hours. Can you?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”

Respectful No. Firstly use one of the other variations to say no. If the person persists with their request, use the “respectful no” variation. Communicate your wishes for the person to respect your decision. “Please don’t make the same request again. I’ve said no. Can you please accept that?” Do this with compassionate body language to avoid coming across as aggressive.

There are many ways to say no without feeling guilty. Pick the ones you like suited to the situation.

Once you use the above advice, the last and most important thing you can do is be prepared to walk away. Someone could persist with a request only because you stand there. Some salespersons are ruthless and persist at persuading you to buy until you move to leave. Salespersons rely on your guilt to stay with them until a perfect moment that rarely arrives signals for your departure.

“No” is not a bad word if you know how to say it effectively with your body and words. Stop thinking this assertive skill is bad because such thoughts make you feel guilty. When you want to decline a request, you actually hurt the person and the relationship with resentment by accepting the request. Turning down a request you want to avoid benefits everyone in the long-run. If you don’t achieve that outcome, then you have something to be guilty about.

What is the link between the following scenarios:

1. Your partner leaves the room in anger after another argument
2. A friend lashes out at you despite you having done nothing wrong
3. A child’s constant disobedience makes you frustrated and causes you to yell things you later regret

Thousands of situations like the ones above all have a common thread that play out in your life every year. There is a better way to handle the situation, but you cannot figure it out. Your emotions get the better of you and others as you poorly handle the situation. The answers and the secret human need I will show you how to fulfill is through a method of communication called “nonviolent communication”, also known as NVC.

The Answer to World Peace and Our Greatest Need?

The process I am about to discuss in this article is one created by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. The organization is a nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Rosenberg and a couple hundred other NVC trainers, conduct workshops throughout the world where they teach their nonviolent communication model. The NVC process has changed millions of people who learned the techniques directly from trainers or Rosenberg’s book, and people who have been fortunate enough to have those trained in the NVC process use the model on them.

If you are after a process that changes a person’s behavior, NVC is not the best one to use. NVC builds a deep intimate relationship and connection with effective communication by satisfying people’s needs. It achieves a level of connection most people never experience. It can be used to change a person’s behavior, but the primary purpose of the process is to help people face what matters with compassion to connect at a very intimate level.

Once you have gone through the process, then you can use your negotiation skills to persuade the person. If you try to persuade the person upfront before you use NVC, you will often find you are resisted and ignored.

When a person disagrees with you, refuses to comply with a request, or is angry at you, a poor communicator tries to firstly express oneself. The person seeks to be understood before seeking to understand. An NVC user seeks to understand the person, which in turn leads to their own need of being understood. Once you understand others, they often want to understand you.

Once you understand others, they often want to understand you.

The commonality of the situations mentioned earlier, and thousands of situations you experience throughout the year, is people’s desperation to be understood. Your angry partner wants to be understood. Your friend wants to be understood and will have almost zero frustration once you understand. Children want to be understood, which naturally compels them to talk with you about intimate issues. Nonviolent communication helps you understand people and have them understand you.

The need to be understood is possibly the greatest unmet human need. Fulfill this need and you will trigger new experiences, intimate sharing, and connect with people at the heart. Thanks to Dan Kennedy, a great marketer I intently learn from, I came across a quote by Cavett Robert, founder of the National Speakers Association, who said, “Most people are walking around, umbilical cord in hand, looking for a new place to plug it in.” If you can be that “socket” by understanding the person and empathically receiving their needs, you automatically share an electrifying connection with the person. Something about the person will change before your eyes. They will know something deep is going on without knowing what you are doing.

Unfortunately, the majority of people never arrive at this stage of electrifying intimacy. Answer this question truthfully: How many people truly understand you on a frequent basis? Think about the question for some time because it is important to understand understanding.

I ask this not to make you blame others for their failure to understand you, but to show you the scarcity of people who seek to understand. If you are like most people, you will not have one person that frequently and truly understands you in conversations. Few people care about understanding others, which causes themselves to be misunderstood. People who complain that “no one understands me” are constantly misunderstood because they live on a one-way street seeking to receive before they consider giving.

Violence is widespread because one group wants to be understood while another they are in conflict with also wants to be understood. The failure to see the others’ needs means neither gets what they want. The result is emotional and physical destruction. So much pain in the world is caused by misunderstandings.

The need to be understood is possibly the greatest unmet human need.

The anger and frustration present in everyday situations appears to be irrelevant to deeper issues, yet it is our inability to effectively face conflict that contributes to a global scale of war and hatred. Our everyday wallowing in resentment, frustration, and misunderstandings has as much – but probably greater – impact on peace and love than kind actions. If you cannot resolve your minor nuances in relationships that are suppose to be intimate and love-filled, you cannot expect nations who have hated each other for centuries to resolve major conflicts. To understand another person is a secret of world peace. “Peace cannot be achieved through violence,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “it can only be attained through understanding.”

The nonviolent communication process is simple once you know the process; though it’s not always a fun slide to ride on because emotional pollution clogs your use of it. With practice, you will become better at NVC and be more successful in your communication and relationships. Over time, provided you continually practice the techniques and polish your skills, you will become excellent at the process.

An Overview of Nonviolent Communication: The Four Steps to Compassionate Communication

The process has four steps: observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. There are really eight steps, however, because you firstly apply the four steps to the other person, then you apply them to yourself. Remember what I said before about seeking to understand before being understood? The first four stages make you understand people so you can be understood when you apply the four steps on yourself. This is the most critical part of the concept to grasp.

Unless the person is a compassionate communicator, go through the four steps first on the other person otherwise he or she will not listen to you. Use the visualization of a vacuum empathically “sucking up” the person’s communication. Until the person feels “cleaned”, you will be unable to clean yourself. Once you have sucked up the person, and hence understood them, you are then ready to use NVC on yourself.

Most people identify a few problems in firstly focusing on the other person. If you have not identified one of these now, you will as you continue to read about the process. The biggest concern I had with NVC is that you forgo your own needs, concerns, and emotions like anger. NVC prevents destructive expressions of anger and frustration via harmful attitudes and behaviors like the sarcastic teenager or the employee who does poor quality work. The process encourages you to express intense emotions – especially anger – in a healthy way that fulfills the underlying need.

At first glance, I understand the model may overwhelm you, but keep at it and reread the pages in this article to refine your ability to understand people and be understood. The NVC process as described in this full article will give you a good idea of what to expect in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program should you want to invest in it. It could be one of the greatest investments you make. Once you know how to understand people and help them understand you, you can mold your relationships however you want. It is time to kick into the first stage: observing.

1. Observing

The first step of the process has you observe something specific about the person that impedes their wellbeing. One example is, “When you see your children hitting one another…” You separate the person from the behavior and refer to a specific circumstance. People make predictable mistakes at this step.

The greatest mistake at this stage is giving an evaluation instead of an observation – because of this, I will thoroughly teach you how to avoid evaluations and observe in this section of the article. An evaluation is a judgment of personal opinion that lacks detachment and objective evidence. Judgments prevent observations and the recipient from feeling understood.

Think of a birdwatcher who carefully and calmly admires nearby birds. The birdwatcher does not disturb the birds. He watches to see the behaviors of the birds as he listens to the sounds they make. He may even respond to a bird’s sound in the same manner by whistling.

If people were birdwatchers and they tried to observe a bird (the other person), they would fire gunshots, scream, and throw rocks at the bird. These dangerous actions for the bird is the emotional equivalent to judgments and evaluations for people in the listening process. When we feel judged and evaluated, it drives us insane! We fly away, avoid the person, and do not talk about what really matters as the judgmental person incorrectly blames and wonders what is wrong with us!

When you supposedly “listen” to your partner, a customer, or coworker, your “effective communication” and “excellent listening skills” has you fire a gun with evaluations and judgments. My experience in communication has me estimate 99% of people fail at this stage of NVC because of evaluations and judgments. I am no exception because, even now, I occasionally fail at this stage. Do not get discouraged. The migration from evaluation to observation fights communication habits you have adopted your entire life.

Evaluations can take many forms. It means you do not receive someone’s communication in its real form. You observe the bird, but do things to destroy its natural, beautiful presence. You mostly “shoot a gun,” “scream,” and “throw rocks” with judgments, criticisms, blame, or generalities. Other mistakes include labeling, questioning, deflecting, and other communication barriers I will soon describe.

An evaluation is a judgment of personal opinion that lacks detachment and objective evidence.

Valued customers of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program know the common ways we intoxicate our ability to listen to others. I believe your ability to actively listen and be in the present moment without polluting the person’s message with your thoughts and feelings is one of the greatest communication skills you can obtain.

I will give you common examples of how people fail to observe by applying the 12 communication barriers in my program. Never before has it been made in clear detail the common mistakes people make that kill conversations. The first part of the dialog is person one while the second part is person two who uses the communication barriers:

1. Criticism – “I’m trying to improve my skills in that area.” “Good. Because you’ve really sucked at it recently.”
2. Labeling – “I wish you would do house work more often.” “You’re just a nagger.”
3. Diagnosing – “I don’t want to go out right now.” “You’re just saying that because you’re mad about last night.”
4. Praising – “There! Done! Happy I’ve done the work now?” “You’re great for doing that job!”
5. Ordering – “I need a break from working.” “It doesn’t matter. Do what I told you to do now.”
6. Threatening – “I need a break from working.” “It doesn’t matter. Do what I told you to do now or I’ll make you do more.”
7. Questioning – “I’m feeling depressed about what happened today.” “You’re depressed again?”
8. Moralizing – “I don’t want to donate to charity.” “It’ll be good for you to help out.”
9. Advising – “I can’t believe my friendship has ended with Jenny.” “You shouldn’t have talked with her about Bob the other day.”
10. Reasoning – “I’m so angry right now because of my boss at work today!” “You need to focus on getting a new job.”
11. Reassuring – “I’m worried about performing well at the presentation tomorrow.” “You’ve got great skill and will perform fine.”
12. Deflecting – “Argh! I can’t believe Jerry always bugs me.” “Oh, yeah. Speaking of people being bugging, his friend John annoyed me the other day.”

Each time the second person judged and evaluated when he or she had the chance to provide a healthy observation. We hate being judged, evaluated, and told what to do. In response to the barriers, people become defensive, argumentative, frustrated, and resistant to persuasion.

To further demonstrate the barriers and help you grasp the observation stage because it is vital to understand, here are more examples of evaluations and the reasons they are evaluations:

• “You’re very kind by helping out.” – The word “kind” is a moralistic and judgmental word. It is distinguishes the behavior as good or bad. The person gets evaluated as good instead of the person’s behavior as good.
• “I reckon Mary is ugly.” – The adjective “ugly” evaluates and criticizes Mary’s looks. Ugly is dependent on each person. Other people will like Mary’s appearance.
• “All guys are clueless about managing a relationship.” – Too generalized and not specific enough. Nothing productive can come from such statements. Blame, misery, and a lack of change can only develop.
• “She avoids me.” – This is a diagnosis because the person tries to interpret and read into the person’s behavior. The person needs to provide evidence why the woman avoids him or her. Also, the word “avoid” needs to be replaced with something more concrete, like “walked away from”, because it assumes the woman’s behavior when there are many possibilities.
• “Britney, you don’t like my helping you.” – How does the person know Britney dislikes the person’s help? The person tries to mind-read instead of stating something more concrete like Britney’s emotions or physiology that communicate her possible dislike.

It can be overwhelming to hear about the communication barriers because they dissect the most common problems you have in your communication. In these frequent problems rest enormous potential and opportunity to be a powerful communicator. Should you see the barriers in your communication, you help transform yourself into someone who powerfully communicates with people. You may already be feeling the power of the communication barriers.

Some communication barriers in the above examples can be eliminated and evaluations be removed when you be specific. You can be specific by referring to a past situation. An effective observation typically begins with, “When you hear…” or “When you see…” The goal of this stage is to reflect your observation to the person. It cannot be repeated enough that it must be specific and free of evaluations.

One saleswoman knew the NVC process well. An angry manager approached her about a poor recent presentation she did. If most “good communicators” were in the lady’s shoes, they would respond along the lines of, “You’re angry at me about a bad presentation” or “You think I do not give good presentations”. At first glance, the examples may seem okay responses, but they are general evaluations. The manager may not be angry about a bad presentation. He may also think she is a good presenter.

The woman listened to the manager’s concerns and gave a good response: “When you hear me give a presentation that fails to persuade a potential buyer who could have given our company half a million dollars…” A couple of other good responses the saleswoman could use in different situations include: “It sounds to me as though you are gravely worried about the project not being accepted…” and “I see my exclusion of [so-and-so] facts made you frustrated…” All these examples are observations without evaluations. They are specific and show understanding and empathy.

Additional examples of the observation stage, which I will build on throughout the article to explain NVC, follow:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office?”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend.”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight!”

The four lines are free from judgments and other evaluations. They show understanding and empathy. They build a connection with people as they feel someone at last understands them! A lot of times your observation may be incorrect, but this does not matter when you observe without evaluation because the person will happily correct you.

Observations… build a connection with people as they feel someone at last understands them!

Now you know how to apply the observation stage on other people (the first step of the NVC), let’s learn how to apply the observation stage on yourself (think of it as the fifth step). When you use the observation stage on yourself, it is also necessary to remove evaluations. This will clarify what you require to fulfill that need.

Common evaluative statements and possible corrected observations (which I will build on throughout the article to explain NVC) include:

• “When I hear you become angry…” – Assumes the person is angry. You need to avoid judgments and say what lets you know the person is angry. Correct statements include, “When I hear you raise your voice…” or “When I feel intimidated around you…”
• “When I see you avoid me…” – Assumes the person avoids you. You need to say what it is that makes you think the person avoids you. Correct statements include, “When I see you walk away from me…” or “When I cannot make eye contact with you…”
• “When I come home from work and see you annoy me…” – This starts off well, but quickly deteriorates. The person will become defensive when you say he or she annoys you. What is it that annoys you? A correct statement could be, “When I come home from work and see you lying on the couch…”
• “When you don’t like my cooking…” – Contains a judgment because the person is evaluated to determine if they dislike your cooking. It misses the true emotional content of the conversation. A correct statement could be, “When I don’t hear appreciation of my cooking…”

As you can probably see, observation statements of yourself typically start off with: “When I hear…” or “When I see…” Such statements initiate concrete evidence that lead you to a pure observation without judgment. You cannot judge or evaluate when you express what you hear or see.

A pure observation instantly reduces interpersonal violence, makes people feel understood, and increases your power with people. People open themselves to intimate communication and persuasion from your healthy expression that you understand them. Your understanding of people gives you the power to mold your relationships into the shape you want.

(There is a lot more to the 12 barriers I cannot explain in this article. Of the hundreds of communication books and programs I have been through, no other program has explained and made it easy for you to know what prevents you from connecting with people. I highly recommend you read the program by clicking here and grab your copy to learn more about the 12 communication barriers that kill conversations.)

2. Feeling

Once you observe the person, the second step of NVC is the feeling stage. The feeling stage has you identify the person’s feelings (the second step) and express your feelings (the sixth step).

Too often we get caught in the “what really happened” argument. Back and forth the argument goes to create destructive conflict. No one wins when logic gets the spotlight in conversations where people have an unmet emotional need. Feelings matter and deserve more attention than they get.

To continue from the example situations in the observation stage, the feeling stage of NVC follows:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless…”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted…”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic…”

Also, to continue from the provided examples in the observation stage for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared…”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached…”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted…”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed…”

Like the first step, people make common mistakes at the feeling stage that destroys effective communication. One of the greatest mistakes made at this stage is the inaccurate selection of feeling. I am an emotionally aware guy with regards to my own emotions and others’ emotions, yet I still express inaccurate feelings.

It is more important you accurately state your feelings than someone’s feelings because the person will likely correct their feelings you state. Unless the person has good communication skills and a good ability to interpret emotions, you are the only person who will accurately express your feelings. Choose an accurate feeling when you apply this stage of nonviolent communication on yourself otherwise the person will never understand how you truly feel.

To use the example “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached…”, if the person instead said, “When I see you walk away from me, I feel angry…” a misunderstanding occurs (assuming the person feels detached). It is easy to confuse detachment with anger. The person may be angry, but anger is not the real concern because detachment drives that anger.

Be responsible for how you feel and do not be responsible for how people feel.

A good emotional vocabulary is essential to nonviolent communication. The Nonviolent Communication book has a large list of feelings when our needs are being met and when our needs are not being met. I encourage you to read the list a few times to expand your emotional vocabulary. Alternatively, you can view a list of feelings online. When you expand your emotional vocabulary, you more accurately state what someone feels and what you feel.

The second largest mistake people make at the feeling stage of NVC is the wrong level of responsibility for emotions. We blame people for how we feel and blame ourselves for how they feel – we get mixed up. Be responsible for how you feel and do not be responsible for how people feel.

When you fail to be responsible for how you feel, you blame, condemn, and criticize people. You feel a victim of this world. You believe people are the source of your pain. You believe other people need to change. We all need to be continually reminded to take responsibility for how we feel because it is too easy to see ourselves as victims of people’s actions.

The other lesson to keep in mind is to not be responsible for how people feel. When relationships advance in importance, it is common to feel responsible for your partner’s emotions. If your partner is grumpy, you may feel responsible to make your partner happy. If your partner is sad, you may feel responsible to lift your partner out of his or her depressed mood. Statements such as, “What did I do to make you feel…” and “Have I caused you to feel…” are signals you feel responsible for someone’s feelings. Feeling responsible for someone’s feelings is dangerous to a happy and successful relationship because the person you feel responsible for becomes a liability. You feel they weigh you down.

I do not advise you to ignore the person’s emotions. In replacement of feeling responsible, you need to empathize. The first two stages do just that. Observe without evaluation and express the person’s feelings; do not judge the person or try to mind-read. This is far more helpful for you, your partner, and the relationship than manifestations of thinking you are responsible for people’s feelings.

The last point I want to make about the feeling of stage of NVC is taken from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program: avoid the logical argument and shift your focus on emotions.

Your partner storms into the room where you peacefully sit in your chair. “What the hell were you thinking when you did…!” Most people ignore the feeling and engage in a logical argument. In this example, logical statements could include, “I didn’t do that”, “That isn’t what happened”, and “You’re missing the point”.

Do not get entangled in a logical battle that cannot be won.

Do not talk about the content of your partner’s concerns. Do not get entangled in a logical battle that cannot be won. Focus on feelings through empathy. An effective statement would be, “You feel angry because you need…” This instantly shifts the conversation to what really matters: feelings.

One or two empathizing statements will not be enough when emotions are intense. Just keep going through the process and you will be amazed at the communication changes that take place. Follow the feeling stage of nonviolent communication, and you will understand people – and have them understand you.

3. Needing

The definition of a “need” says it is a requirement. For our use, it is also something you or the other person wants like personal space, silence, or attention. When you verbalize a person’s needs and your needs, two separated persons understand what it takes to resolve the problem and establish harmony.

Needs is a layer of communication that frequently gets submerged beneath the icy-cold waters of conflict. Rarely does someone express what they want. People prefer to destructively vent anger, complain about what they do not want, or whine about the problems that annoy them. Inside, they are frustrated individuals desperately wanting to be understood. When you look beneath the surface of someone’s behavior, you realize their feelings about unfilled needs is ignored.

Your first goal of the needing stage is to express the other person’s needs so both of you know what he or she wants. Your next goal is to express your needs to let the other person know what you want. These are the third and seventh respective stages of NVC. Once the two goals get ticked off, the couple understand one another, they become satisfied, and the relationship is more fulfilling.

To continue from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for the other person:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration…”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you…”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.”

There is one more stage to NVC, but you can already see the power in the process. The above incomplete examples have already shifted two frustrated individuals on different wavelengths to get in sync as they at last discover the needs of their conversational partner. Defined needs can be fulfilled (which is the purpose of the next step, requesting).

When you look beneath the surface of someone’s behavior, you realize their feelings about unfilled needs is ignored.

As with feelings, precision is not required when you express the person’s needs. People will correct you when you observe without judgment or evaluation. Listen to what they say. Empathically receive their hidden plea. If you do the observing and feeling stage then get confused at the feeling stage, ask them, “What is it you need?” Most times, if you say an incorrect need, your observation and feeling steps help them correct you.

Drawing back to the common mistakes people have when they try to express their needs, the lessons of responsibility in the feeling stage relate to the needing stage. It is common to blame and criticize others when you try state your needs.

A manager needs the daily quota completed, but he blames and criticizes employees in ways like, “You’re not working fast enough. I can’t afford for you to be working at this pace.” While the criticism and vague statements is an entire communication problem by itself, the manager has not said what he wants. The manager may want to achieve the daily quota and have good intention to help employees, but this is not the message received. The employees feel attacked and remain bewildered about their manager’s wants. I doubt this manager has a happy and productive workforce.

As another example of someone poorly saying their needs, a husband comes home from work and needs personal space. His wife needs intimacy and communication. The husband needs personal space, but instead says, “Not now”. The wife needs intimacy, but she uses the communication barrier of diagnosing by saying, “You never want to talk to me”. Not only has the couple failed to express personal needs, each partner also failed to provide a pure observation of their partner’s needs.

If you cannot express your needs, it is difficult for someone to fulfill them. That is obvious now, but the heat of conflict can burn your positive intent to follow the NVC process. You now know to express your needs – and follow other stages of NVC – but it is easy to blame, criticize, and avoid the techniques when anger gets the better of you.

In conflict, you feel attacked and mirror someone’s anger. This is not peaceful communication. You probably reason to yourself that if people change, then you would not become angry – that is reactive, blame-filled living.

There is an amazing thought that has worked for me to overcome this problem. It is something I use everyday to separate myself from people’s below-average behavior. The technique keeps my head above the water in difficult conversations as it prevents me from being dragged into the depths of someone’s anger, rudeness, and poor communication.

No one can control how you feel without your permission.

When I feel an urge of anger towards someone, I think, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response. The way I’m reacting is making me angry.” I allow my anger to surface (because anger is healthy) while reframing my thoughts. Possible reframes include, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response.” “I know she cares about me because of what she did for me last night.” and “He’s probably angry because he had a tiring day.” No one can control how you feel without your permission. As Marshall Rosenberg said, “I never have to worry about another person’s response, only how I react to what they say.”

This is gold. No one can make you angry; it is how you react that makes you angry. The messages you channel in your mind makes you angry. You “reason with yourself” the meaning of their shouting, swearing, and anger. You probably interpret such messages as signals of disrespect or their lack of care for you. It is this rationalization that makes you angry.

If you react instead of respond, you will be angry because your response is dependent on the person. The example reframes I gave you control your interpretation of the person’s behavior to help you be calm and maintain poise regardless of someone’s reaction. You become a powerful person when you are a rock of emotional stability. People cannot undermine your strong foundations. (Learn how to maintain your power and control in any tough situation by reading the Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program.)

When someone is angry, they have a need. It is hard to realize a need when you are fearful or angry, but an angry person poorly attempts to fulfill an unmet need by indirectly trying to make you aware of it. Knowing that a person’s anger originates from an unmet need prevents you from taking it personally. The needing stage of NVC helps you identify what they need.

It is crazy how out-of-tune you are with your needs. If you cannot express your need in a constructive and direct way – let alone have an awareness of your needs – it will always be a fight to effectively communicate. Be aware of your needs, then it becomes much easier to manage conflict, control your responses, and be nonviolent.

To continue from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety…”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness…”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax…”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated…”

Think at a level of needs to see the deeper, more powerful, reasons behind a person’s actions.

You may catch yourself saying an incorrect want or what you do not want. You want to be accepted, yet say, “I need to not be ignored”. You want to be touched, yet say, “I need you to not be distant”. You want to be understood, yet say, “I need to not feel misinterpreted”.

Do not expect someone to magically fulfill your needs when you fail to state what you want. Figure out your problems instead of traveling the easy path of blame.

If you have problems seeing someone’s needs, it may help to identify your needs throughout the day. Tune-in to your needs and it becomes easier to tune-in to someone else’s needs. I think this is because you begin to think at a level of needs. You become aware of what drives humanity. You see a deeper reason behind each word, gesture, attitude, and behavior. Think at a level of needs to see the deeper, more powerful, reasons behind a person’s actions.

4. Requesting

You have discovered the first three stages of nonviolent communication: observing, feeling, and needing. The final stage of NVC is the simplest. It is the most powerful step to change a person’s behavior. Once you use the previous steps of NVC, you supercharge your power to get the request fulfilled because you have dealt with the emotional layer.

The requesting stage has you offer a solution that fulfills the need. The solution should prevent similar problems from reoccurring.

The most important technique to keep in mind when you make a request is to be specific (“Would you be willing to talk with me for 10 or so minutes after dinner just to chat?”); do not be general or vague (“I want you to be nicer to me.”) A request cannot be completed if it provides too much room for error.

Specificity does not mean you control everything. You can be specific in your desired outcome without being a frustrated control freak. I recommend you study my model of accountability, the decision tree of leadership, to learn more about responsibility and getting things done, which at the same time empowers people to be their own person.

To continue on from the provided examples in the observing, feeling, and needing stages for the other person:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest. Would you be willing to workout a weekly plan regarding the household chores?”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration. Would you be willing to accept the changes this time and in the future we’ll ask you for your thoughts regarding the issue?”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you. Would you be willing to solve the issue with your friend?”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.” (This example does not really have a requesting stage because it is an unusual application of the NVC process. You could say, “I would like to come watch you.”)

Once you apply the four steps of NVC on someone, you are ready to use NVC on yourself. To continue from the provided examples for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety. Would you be able to keep a low voice the next time we argue?”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness. Would you like to cuddle when we’re alone and together?”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax. Would you allow me to sit down for 15 or so minutes after work?”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated. Would you say ‘thank you’ or give another form of appreciation around once a week?”

“Would you like…” is the typical way to make a good request because it does not order, threaten, or blatantly advise the person. You can come up with and test peaceful ways to make a request.

If the person does not want to follow the request, you need to jump back through the stages to keep building empathy. “You do not like my solution of lowering your voice. You feel something else should be done.” You want compassion first, persuasion second.

Give people time and space to process what you observed, feel, need, and requested. When someone tries to connect with you by reflecting what you said, the worst thing you can do is condemn him for not understanding you. I know someone who gets frustrated when you do not hear or understand what he says. The people talking with him are afraid to seek clarification. They pretend to hear him to avoid his anger.

Somebody says that you are sad, but you are actually depressed. Do not say, “You don’t listen.” Thank them for their effort to understand then clarify your message.

Another helpful point from the needing stage is to say what you do want instead of what you do not want. Be clear, be specific, and make it actionable. As an example, do not say, “You need to work harder.” Say something along the lines of, “Would you be willing to complete the daily report by 5pm each day?” Nonviolent communication creates change when you are compassionate and specific.

A Complete Application and Case Study of the NVC Process

You learned a lot about empathy, listening, and the entire nonviolent communication process. It is time to give you a full example of the entire process. The main points I want to show you is the application and how it is not as sequential as the short examples you read.

Rarely do you say all four stages at once because it lacks empathy. Your partner says, “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax. Would you allow me to sit down for 15 or so minutes after work?” “Woah! Slow down tiger. You’re feeling what?” You need time to absorb what was said, why it was said, and what will be done about what was said. It is difficult to experience the depth of all NVC stages in one blow.

The first, second, and third stages often occur many times. You can observe, feel, observe, feel, need, feel, need, and then request. It all depends on what is appropriate for the situation. Think back to the analogy I mentioned about the vacuum. “Suck up” the person’s communication before moving on. You will always “miss a few spots” and need to return to stages. This is not backtracking or signs of failure – it is reality. Marshall Rosenberg says you will know when you adequately empathize when the tension reduces or the person has nothing else to say.

Onto the complete case study. The italicized text creates and describes the scenario. The non-italicized text in brackets is my discussion of what is going on to help you understand the communication dynamics taking place and the reasoning behind the person trying to use NVC. You can stuff up the process and still have it work out.

You will know when you adequately empathize when the tension reduces or the person has nothing else to say.

Ryan and Jessica are married. Recently, Ryan has been watching a lot of television, playing computer games, going out with friends, and working. He has not given Jessica the intimacy she wants. She has pointed out the problem and tried to provide a solution, but like everybody, she has repeatedly used the communication barriers, which block open communication and powerful change.

Ryan arrives home late one night after going out with friends. Jessica has no clue where he went. He enters the house where the couple make eye contact. Jessica is keen to use what she recently learned about nonviolent communication, but her newness to the model means she is likely to make mistakes.

Jessica: (Jessica has been anxious about Ryan for hours and greets him inside their house with a very unhappy face.) “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick about you.”

Ryan: (Ryan has a smile on his face after arriving home from a good night out.) “Chill out. I’ve been out having a good time with my mates.”

Jessica: (Jessica’s emotions get intense causing her to become angry and forget the effective communication skills she learned.) “You want me to chill out while you’re out partying? Are you kidding me? You didn’t even tell me you were going out. You’ve been out having fun all the while I’ve been stuck here at home!” (Jessica has been caught in a logical battle with Ryan. She is talking about facts and trying to logically argue with him. The issue here is an emotional one, which means her focus needs to be on emotions.)

Ryan: “That’s why I don’t tell you because all you’re gonna do is annoy me. You’re a nagger. It’s not like I have to tell you everything.” (Ryan has become angry and joins Jessica in the conflict by using three communication barriers. He has diagnosed, criticized, and labeled.)

Jessica: “Ha! You’re like a little child. You don’t take responsibility for anything. I do all the work in this relationship.” (Jessica has criticized, labeled, and used universal quantifiers – all things that will make Ryan defensive. She has taken Ryan’s criticism as a personal attack and becomes angrier because she has failed to recognize that Ryan tried, though poorly, to met his needs.)

Ryan: “Oh! And you’re little miss perfect? You’re just a big pain in the a**!”

Jessica: (Jessica realizes she has forgotten nonviolent communication and sets herself back on the right path. She takes a moment of silence and breathes deeply to clear her head.) “You feel annoyed and this makes you angry.” (Jessica has turned her focus towards Ryan and first seeks to empathically receive what he has to say. NVC begins!)

Ryan: “You do more than annoy me! All you do is tell me what to do! You’re a stupid control freak and a b****!”

Jessica: (Most people say one good empathy statement and expect to receive an accolade. Few people notice it, but they will feel your empathy over time. Jessica keeps focused on the process.) “When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel controlled.” (Jessica has reflected back another one of his statements by using the observation and feeling stage. She begins to see he has an unmet need of freedom, which prevents her from feeling attacked.)

Ryan: “Yes! I hate it when you constantly nag me! I just want to have fun without you being a damn pest!”

Jessica: “So I can understand what is annoying to you, is what I said tonight an example of the nagging?” (Jessica is unsure of what he means by “nag” and so she asked a good question to clarify what he means. She needs to be careful about taking responsibility for the way Ryan feels.)

Ryan: “That’s just one small example of you being a damn pain.”

Jessica: “When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need freedom.” (Jessica has observed, felt, and identified a need.)

Ryan: (Ryan begins to calm down though he is still agitated.) “No! I… I just don’t like having to run everything through you like your some boss.” (Jessica wrongly identified one of Ryan’s needs, though it did not matter because he clarified himself.)

Jessica: “When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need independence.” (Jessica has rephrased her previous statement with a different need. She is attempting to identify Ryan’s unmet needs, which will lead to a solution.)

Ryan: “I do need independence and you’re not giving it to me. You control me. You’re not fun at all. You’re just a pain.”

Jessica: “You feel detached from me when you hear me tell you what to do.” (Jessica jumps back to the beginning of the NVC process by shifting her focus onto another feeling. Notice her empathy instead of reciprocating the attack.)

Ryan: (The tension is reducing.) “I guess that’s right. You’re no fun anymore. All you do now is annoy.”

(There is silence.)

Jessica: “When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel annoyed because you need more joy with me.”

Ryan: “That’s right.”

Jessica: “Would you be willing to help me become more fun?” (Jessica sensed the tension in the air dissipate and felt Ryan has said what he wants. Therefore, she made a request.)

Ryan: “I’d love to.”

(There is silence.)

(Jessica has used all four stages of the NVC process on Ryan. She is now able to use the process to express her observation, feelings, and needs, and make a request for Ryan to change his behavior.)

Jessica: “When you constantly go out without me, I feel detached.” (Jessica made a poor observation by evaluating with the word “constantly”.)

Ryan: “I don’t constantly go out!”

Jessica: “You feel frustrated because you don’t go out much.” (Jessica realizes Ryan may have another need then switches her focus back on him.)

Ryan: “Yeah.”

Jessica: (Jessica senses the number of times he goes out is not an issue and so she switches her focus back on herself.) “When you do not go out with me like tonight, I feel alienated from you. I need to be close to you a few nights per week.” (Jessica has made an accurate observation without evaluation and has given Ryan a specific example of the behavior she dislikes. She has also been able to identify her need of intimacy with Ryan.)

Ryan: “I see. You need to be with me whenever I go out?”

Jessica: “Thanks for telling me your understanding of what I need. To clarify what I meant, I don’t mind if you go out by yourself, but for example, like tonight I wanted to go out with you because I need physical closeness with you.” (Jessica thanks Ryan for trying to understand her even though he misunderstood. Most people would have felt frustrated, and started an argument, from Ryan’s excessive statement.)

Ryan: “Okay.”

Jessica: “Would you be willing to tell me what you’re doing so that we can go out more often?” (After completing all seven stages, Jessica finally makes her request to change Ryan’s behavior. This is usually the first thing people do; not the last.)

Ryan: “Sure – provided that you become more fun like we said earlier.”

Jessica: (Jessica hugs and kisses Ryan in huge relief. They have solved a problem ruining the relationship for months.) “Agreed.”

There are many possibilities that could have taken place in the above scenario and changed the communication, but the scenario beautifully demonstrates how nonviolent communication is applied to real life.

When you use this powerful type of communication for the first time, you may cry or have your conversation partner break into tears. Crying is good. When nonviolent communication opens the relationship, mental and emotional dams erected over years from misunderstanding smash down as intimacy gushes into the relationship. New emotional structures get built to form peaceful relationships when you use NVC overtime. “Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process,” said John F. Kennedy, 35th American President, “gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.”

(Read my review of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and visit the provided link where you can order a copy of the book today. Secondly, if you felt this article touched you, the “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” will bring more magic in your life because the skills and advice in the program strongly interconnect with nonviolent communication. Learn about the program here.)

If you’ve ever felt the need to have an important conversation, but couldn’t bring yourself to it, this book is for you. Author Susan Scott details the exact methods for the conversations we know will change our life, but we procrastinate having usually because of fear. It’s important to overcome whatever barriers we face in communication because a conversation is not about the relationship – it is the relationship.

What is a Fierce Conversation?

When people see the word “fierce”, they may think pain, tough, or brutality. As written on the book’s cover, “fierce” means robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, and unbridled. A “fierce conversation” brings authenticity into your life as you communicate who you are and what you believe.

Fierce Conversations will get you to have the most important conservation you can have with someone, right now. Fierce Conversations will be especially helpful to you if you have trouble: expressing yourself, talking with others who have trouble expressing themselves, dealing with passive-aggressive people, or resolving an ignored issue people know exists. After all, if you want someone or something to change, you need to initiate the change. If something bothers you, you need to be the one who does something about it.

Whether through fear of hurting a person, receiving retaliation, or someone pointing out our mistakes, we delay the conversations we need to experience. The problem comes down to how we present ourselves to others in conversations and how we think when we are by ourselves. All conversations are within yourself and some are with others.

The Lessons You Discover

It is the book’s purpose to achieve four outcomes: interrogate reality, provoke learning, tackle tough challenges, and enrich relationships. These are achieved through the following 7 principles of fierce conversations:

1. Master the Courage to Interrogate Reality
2. Come Out from Behind Yourself into the Conversation and Make It Real
3. Be Here, Prepared to Be Nowhere Else
4. Tackle Your Toughest Challenge Today
5. Obey Your Instincts
6. Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake
7. Let Silence Do the Heavy Lifting

As a consultant for Fortune 500 companies, Scott leans the book’s examples of principles and models, towards business communication. If someone has communication problems at work, however, Scott says the same problems likely show up in their personal lives so the book is just as applicable to personal communication. We need to have fierce conversations with family members, spouses, students, and friends; not only with those we share a business relationship.

We delay the conversations we need to experience.

Scott gives you a series of simple and practical exercises to do at the end of each chapter to help you use the chapter’s communication skills. She also provides insightful scenarios of her experience with clients’ use of communication models and their notable improvements from the change.

Be warned: Fierce Conversations is no emotional walk in the park. You’re forced to face hard questions about your reality. “It takes a certain fearlessness to make your private thoughts public,” writes Scott. “But if what you’re thinking makes you squirm and wish to wriggle away, you are probably onto something.”

If you choose to awaken to the truth by beginning a fierce conversation, communication opens up to improve your relationships. You will talk about what everyone pretends to not know. Don’t miss having one conversation that could change your life. Achieve success at work and in life, one conversation at a time by getting your copy of Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations directly from Amazon.com today by clicking here.

(You may also want to read Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen’s Difficult Conversations for another source of tips to have the conversations you avoid. Both books provide good tips, but lack the psychology and fear of talking about tough issues. Because I never could find a book that explained this problem, I wrote a course that shows how I solved my fears of conversations, which shy persons around the world use to conquer their fears. To understand the deep psychology of fear in social situations, read the first chapter of my program Big Talk.)

Related Media Links

1. Video and audio links – Links on the Fierce Incorporated website with Susan Scott.
2. Companies, careers built or lost one conversation at time – An article published in a Seattle newspaper by Susan Scott discussing how conversations, one by one, shape our lives.

Passiveness, otherwise known as submissiveness, is the opposite to aggression. Passiveness literally means detachment and acceptance. It is acted upon rather than acts on something. Passive communication involves “keeping under the radar”, “not sticking up for yourself”, saying yes when you really want to say no, and overly “selfless behaviors”. While passiveness is different to being shy or quiet, shy or quiet individuals are often passive.

There are benefits to passive behavior and communication that make it a problem in families, the workplace, and other interactions. I want to share with you the deep reasons behind why people avoid “sticking up for themselves” and many other passive behaviors in this article. Once you understand this behavior, a powerful world is revealed before your eyes that would otherwise have remained hidden. Like all the communication secrets in my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program”, the things once hidden become visible to empower you to communicate powerfully with people.

Adult Contribution to Weak Behavior

Parents, teachers, and adults in general are partly responsible for passive behavior and communication in children. At a young age and continually in life, adults condition passive people to continue submissive behavior through verbal rewards. Passive individuals receive praise for their selfless actions, keeping quiet, and not voicing their concerns.

Passiveness literally means detachment and acceptance. It is acted upon rather than acts on something.

A bully steals a toy from a young girl who does nothing about it. An adult observing the girl tells her she is nice for not doing anything and making the bully angry. A student sits in the classroom, not answering any questions. The teacher at a parent-teacher interview says to the child’s parents that the child is nice and quiet. A young boy is asked what he wants for dinner, but his brothers and sisters interrupt him by saying what they want. The young boy then says, “I’m happy with what the others want” to which his parent praise him for compliance and selfless.

These three examples demonstrate how people are trained to continue passive behavior. Overtime, occasional passive behavior shapes into a stringent passive personality. Soon enough, the person does not defend his space, participate in decision-making, or state his desires. What appears “nice” transforms into a habitual communication and behavioral problem that sucks the life from the person and his relationships. It’s no wonder people struggle to learn assertive communication skills.

Behaviors in Conflict

Conflict contains several reasons for passive behavior and communication. Passive individuals avoid conflict by remaining quiet as they avoid expressing their point of view.

A failure to express their point of view occurs outside of conflict – it is frequent in conversations and social interactions. When they are asked what they’d like, where they want to go, or what they want to do, they passively respond: “I’m happy with whatever you want”. Rarely are they truly happy with what the other person wants. While they say “I’m happy with whatever you want”, the truth of the matter is their decision (or indecision) comes from a fear of disapproval.

Passive individuals are praised for their selfless actions.

Another reason passive behavior is beneficial for people who disconnect themselves from conflict and conversations is blame-avoidance. A person that says, “I’m fine with anything you decide”, puts the final decision on somebody else. The passive person leaves the other person to select an option. When the option is undesirable, the passive person can readily and easily blame the decision-maker for their choice.

Yet another reason someone can behave passively and avoid conflict is their protection from others. Other people fight for the person, which often gets them what they want. Some people laugh, get angry, or ignore an aggressive person, but when someone cries, most people stop what they’re doing to give the crying person what they want to wipe away their tears. A habitual crier can be more manipulative than an aggressor.

See the Price of Nice to Breaks Its Vice

So far you have seen the beneficial reasons for passive behavior and communication. Up until now, it seems to be an attractive way of behaving. Passiveness is not a nice way of living because of its many destructive outcomes. By learning the negatives of passive behavior, you can break free from submissiveness and become motivated to help other people assert themselves.

Common problems with passiveness include:

• Unsatisfying relationships. Passive individuals are detached from their communication and relationships. They are completely disengaged from intimacy. They avoid intimacy because their authentic self is protected with the “nice guy” or “nice girl” mask.
• Growth is thwarted. Passive individuals create an environment where authentic feedback is not given or received. To critique a “nice person” makes the criticizer a guilt-ridden, bad person. Similarly, the nice person does not give feedback to other people.
• Induces shame in others. Nice guys and girls manipulate others with guilt and shame. They avoid responsibility and giving feedback, making others feel shameful for their feelings towards the nice person. For example, the would-be receiver of a nice person’s feedback feels angry for not getting feedback then becomes shameful for feeling angry at the nice person. (The person is nice after all and it’s wrong to be mad at nice people.)
• Others get irritated. A guy forgoes his needs by molding himself into his lover’s ideal image. He thinks focusing on his partner is the relationship-healthy thing to do. The passive individual overtime frustrates his partner with high compliance. His overt agreeableness leads to pity and irritation. It is frustrating to be with someone who does not tell you what he feels and wants.
• Selfishness. Selflessness is selfish because the “selfless person” doesn’t have the capacity to act beyond oneself. It may sound contradictory to passive behavior, but the passive individual who lets others have their way robs himself of happiness and love. The person is unable to love others because he holds resentment and frustration against those he is selfless towards. People who give up their own lives to be loved by someone are often shocked when they discover the other person dislikes them for their plasticity approach to life.
• Volcanic build up of resentment. Forgo your own needs, avoid voicing your concerns, do not talk about yourself, and dodge confrontation – that’s a potent recipe for a life filled with resentment. All that pressure inside of you cannot remain hidden. Emotional eruptions eventually burst forth as seen in passive-aggressive behavior.
• Passive-aggressive behavior. I’ve heard marriage counselors incorrectly refer to passive-aggressive behavior as passive behavior, but behaviors like resentment and secret sabotaging can manifest from passiveness. Passive-aggressive behaviors include sarcasm, lying, and blaming. These behaviors are often expressed in sporadic outbursts to temporarily release the frustration of bottled emotions. Passive individuals are prone to flares of aggression. Momentary aggressive outbursts can occur because suppressed emotions suddenly gush to the surface. When I was overly passive, sarcasm was my common way of releasing anger from an inability to assert myself and express my feelings.
• Lack of emotional control. This is another paradoxical effect of passive behavior. Passive individuals think they manage their emotions through suppression, but the opposite results. Suppressed anger shows in many ways more harmful than if the person dealt with the emotion upfront. Suicide is the ultimate outcome of emotional suppression.

Passive individuals are prone to flares of aggression. Momentary aggressive outbursts can occur because suppressed emotions suddenly gush to the surface.

As you can see, there are many negative outcomes for passive behavior. While it can feel like an attractive behavior, it is very destructive for relationships and makes the passive person miserable. Passive behavior like aggression creates a win-loss or loss-loss outcome.

The powerful person, as outlined in my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” is not passive nor aggressive. The powerful person is assertive. The powerful person does not need to get his way on every occasion. He is occasionally aggressive and occasionally lets others have their own way, but when his personal space is trampled on, he does something to regain his space. While passive individuals do not protect themselves, their possessions, or other people, the powerful person protects. A powerful person knows how to get what he wants while giving others what they want – and this attracts people into his life.

You can become powerful instead of living at the helms of jerks, loud-mouths, and others who talk better than you. If you want to break through passive behavior, I encourage you to get my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program”. I have overcome the same problem of submissiveness, shyness, and quietness you’re trying to defeat. You can gain the respect you want by learning more about the program here. If you want to defeat shyness forever, learn about my Big Talk course here.

The law does little to protect victims of workplace conflict. Nearly all laws do not take into account verbal conflict, but if the verbal and other emotional abuse approaches physical abuse, the issue can become a legal concern. The typical employee who faces a difficult manager, however, needs to handle the workplace bully through a series of skills in this article.

People who lack the communication skills to deal with a bad boss either:

1. Endure the bully. These people put up with intimidation from the bullying boss. They may lack self-respect or assertive communication. They may feel at risk of losing their job if they tackle the problem.
2. Bully the bully. The people taking this action face their boss by reciprocating aggression. The problem often intensifies as a fight break outs or each person does things to sabotage the other.

First Common Reaction: Endure the Bully

The first reaction to a bullying boss is a passive response. In this response you forgo your needs while your boss tramples you. The last thing you should do during abuse is accept the abuse.

Address the issue in the correct manner otherwise your confidence, happiness, amd your work will suffer. Recipients of aggressive behavior who incorrectly handle aggression are known to develop health problems such as strokes, heart attacks, suicide, migraines, escalated stress levels, insomnia, and terrifying nightmares. One anonymous person often dreamed her boss pointing a gun at employees so they would complete their work.

Passive people suppress their own needs and get dominated by others. They live in frustration. Their anger bottles up inside. They lack the communication skills to address the problem, hoping the abusive person stops bullying out of goodwill.

People in this first category of responding to an aggressive boss sometimes avoid the issue due to fear. You may avoid defending yourself and accept the aggression in a work situation – especially with someone that has authoritative power – from fear of losing your job, being demoted, or undergoing further abuse.

I’m not hear to say your fears are irrational. Losing your job is a real threat because most who stick up for themselves do so aggressively, which creates further problems. The end result for people that choose this first response is a win for the bully and a loss for the passive person.

Second Common Reaction: Bully the Bully

The second common reaction to facing a bully is aggression. People who aggressively self-defend often have more confidence than passive individuals. They think the only way to get what they want is through retaliation. It becomes fire against fire. When an aggressive employee faces an aggressive boss, a fight starts as two individuals take to a verbal boxing ring, mentally beating each other’s minds.

People can be aggressive for several reasons:

• They were abused by their parents at an early age or placed under other emotional trauma.
• They are mentally ill. I’m not jokingly referring to a mental illness, but a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia or a personality disorder.
• They think the only way to stop someone else’s abusive behavior is to reciprocate the abuse.
• The aggression is a release of anger often caused by avoiding an issue that is irritating them. This behavior is otherwise known as “passive-aggressive behavior” where the person is frequently passive, but randomly explodes to release their frustration. After the occasional and often unexpected outburst, the person returns to passiveness.
• The person is in a high pressure environment. High stress work environments make its employees prone to unhealthy behaviors.
• The aggressive individual may try to prove his superiority, control, discipline, or focus on results to others through aggressive behavior.

While aggression in the workplace may create sufficient productivity, it is strongly correlated to a high turnover rate (said to be an average of 1.5 years) and other commitment problems. Employees fake sick days, become miserable, sabotage work, and lose passion for work. Aggressive managers end up creating an unproductive workforce. “Bully the bully” is a loss for the manager and the person originally bullied.

A Third Rare Action: Assertive Communication with the Boss

The first common reaction is a passive response. The second common reaction is an aggressive response. A median response known as “assertiveness” exists between these two common reactions and produces a win-win response. Where passive communication fails to respect yourself and aggressive communication fails to respect the other person, assertive communication respects everyone.

Assertive communication techniques can stop bullying, stop your fear of facing difficult issues, and build your self-confidence to create a nice working relationship with your boss. Assertive skills can transform your inner and outer conflict.

A Step-by-Step Approach with Techniques to Cure a Bad Boss

In this section you will get a series of techniques shared through a scenario to help you face an aggressive boss. Use as many techniques as you can in everyday life because assertive communication does more than help you handle an aggressive boss. Assertiveness helps you face aggressive people and other difficult personality types like controlling people.

The first step to handle an aggressive person begins before you open your mouth. Prior to approaching your boss about the problem, ask yourself: “What can I change in my behavior to solve the aggression?” Asking this question helps you own your behavior. It builds self-responsibility and stops you blaming others over what you control. This first step may solve the problem and eliminate aggression because you were the problem.

…this first step may solve the problem and eliminate aggression because you were the problem.

Additionally, before you approach your boss, develop a plan of what to say and how you can solve the problem. Prepare to make the conversation productive. Even if you think of good solutions when preparing for the conversation, remain flexible and willing to adjust your behavior to satisfy your boss. A willingness to compromise is assertive.

Once you approach your boss, be calm and responsive. Calmness is not enough because it can show ignorance and increase aggression from a lack of responsiveness. Behaving unresponsive hurts empathy and makes it difficult to diffuse an aggressive person’s emotions. You don’t want to ignore an angry boss!

When you are calm yet responsive, you will not become aggressive. When you remove your aggression, you will reduce your boss’ aggressive communication because the two of you are no longer in a destructive cycle of anger. Fire needs some sort of fuel to stay alight. By keeping calm yet remaining responsive, you remove the psychological fuel needed to keep your boss’ aggressive fire burning.

Have the right mindset of resolving the problem at hand. When faced with difficult people, it is easy think you are right. Guess what? Your boss also thinks he is right! This is why conflict feels like swimming with a shark – you sometimes have to compromise yourself to move the problem forward. Be the first one to step towards problem resolution.

Now that you understand these concepts and techniques, it’s time to approach your boss. Find the best time to talk with your boss. Do not try and solve this problem in an intense emotional situation. You may need to wait until the end of the day, or even the end of the week, until you believe the boss is approachable.

As you address your boss, the best thing you can do is ask for his opinion and point of view on the matter. If the person is unaware of his aggression, bring up a specific situation where the person became aggressive. This is an excellent technique that builds an awareness of someone who refuses to acknowledge their aggression.

When you begin a tough conversation by asking for the person’s point of view, instead of blurting what you think and feel about the situation, your persuasive ability builds from a newfound perception. You may see a new side to the story when you practice good listening skills. Asking for your boss’ point of view will help you understand, and even help, your boss understand why he is aggressive. Your boss will feel understood when you actively listen, which can lead to many great outcomes.

After your boss has made suggestions, begin to give your ideas about the problem. Keep calm and stay focused on resolving the problem while avoiding personal attacks. Ask for your boss’ feedback on ideas. Make it a joint solution so each of you follow through with the final plan. A mutual solution is always followed through by both parties more consistently than a solution forced on one person.

A mutual solution is always followed through by both parties more consistently than a solution forced upon one person.

Take note of the positive points your boss shows in his behavior during the discussion then compliment him on these. Tell him how happy you are for him to listen and be in the conversation with you. Keep the conversation positive as problem solving can seem negative – even though it is good for people.

If none of these techniques work – provided you have talked with others about the problem and tried your best to stop your boss from behaving aggressively – ask yourself: “What’s more valuable to me: my happiness or my work?” Without knowing your exact situation, your happiness is more valuable. Should your boss continue treating you poorly, have the courage to respect yourself. If the only way to stop an awful boss is to quit your job, so be it.

Work is a task people hate for 40 years of their life. It does not have to be that way. You no longer have to be in an unproductive and miserable working relationship. Value yourself and do something about your aggressive boss the next time you go to work. You may start to love work. Your livelihood depends on it.

(The techniques presented in this article have been adapted from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. This program is a revolutionary way to charismatically change minds – even in difficult situations like how to handle a cruel boss.)

Having said that, there are four parenting styles you need to be aware of when raising a child, which explain the best parenting styles for a child. How you use a parenting style is up to your judgment. No single correct way to use the styles exists because there are too many variables in parenting and your child.

The four parenting styles based on research in parenting are:

1. Low love and low limits
2. Low love and high limits
3. High love and low limits
4. High love and high limits

The love and limit parenting variables describes how a parent disciplines their child. Rarely does a parent remain in one category because the parenting style changes with time due to aspects like parental experience, moods, and maturity of the child. Parenting skills also evolve over time. The model helps you find the balance of love and limits to suit you and your child’s situation.

Firstly, love is not how much the parent loves the child, but the visibility of love in the discipline process. A dad yelling at his son shows a low love parenting style even though he may greatly love his son. If you have a high love parenting style, you will reason, talk, and spend more time with your child.

The second variable, limits, describes the boundaries placed around a child and how these boundaries are enforced. A low limits style involves little control and few limits for a child, while a high limits style involves clear boundaries and limits.

Limits describe whether a parent uses passive, assertive, or aggressive discipline. Passive discipline tends to be hands off parenting; assertive discipline is self-assured and shows respect for others creating a win-win outcome for the parent and child; while aggressive discipline is said to be “old school” with techniques such as smacking, using a wooden space, and yelling.

Of the four parenting styles, you use the one that feels right.

Of the four parenting styles, you use the one that feels right. If your parents used a high limit style and you feel this put you in-line, you will likely adopt similar disciplining techniques. On the contrary, if you felt your parents’ high limit style was distasteful because you hate how they told you what you can and cannot do, you may use a low limit style. It is common to copy your parents’ style or swing to the opposite extreme. However way you were raised, your parents’ style will influence the style that feels right to you.

There’s a problem with what feels right. What feels right may not be what’s best for you and your child. Letting your child do as he or she pleases (a low love and low limit style) may feel good, but it does harm. Research concludes that a low love and high limit parenting style is better than a low love and low limit style because children develop poor behavioral patterns from the low discipline parenting style.

It’s easy as a parent to use the low love and low limit style. You avoid any action and dodge possible counteractions when disciplining a child by doing nothing. The low/low parenting style has you play a passive role in shaping your child’s behavior and future. If you adopt a passive style of parenting, many factors like culture and the child’s peer group – which influences every child to varying degrees – will determine the child’s mental and emotional growth.

In one popular episode of Dr. Phil, Phil McGraw was trying to solve a family’s discipline problems. The mother he talked to on the show avoided disciplining her children because she was afraid they could perceive her as a “bad mother”. She had a low/low parenting style. Dr. Phil got through to the mother by saying something along these lines: “That is an extremely selfish act not disciplining your children when they behave poorly. You are only caring about yourself.” The mum completely agreed and began to change her parenting style.

Avoid the low love and low limits parenting style in passive parenting for your child’s benefit – and not selfishly use the parenting style because it is easy on you. It is your responsibility as a parent to set boundaries and be involved in your child’s life.

With regards to the high limit style, be careful because it is controlling and not recommended if more assertive and loving styles are available. No one likes to be put on a psychological collar, dragged around, and poked by the person controlling them. Refrain from unnecessary control when effective communication skills can be used otherwise you erect a barrier to communication that makes the person shut you out.

What are you to do then? Researchers and therapists have found the best parenting style that suits various children is a high love style with the right limit style (something you need to figure out). In a situation where the child is under physical danger, you need to be aggressive and set high limits. There are times when aggressive communication is important. I thoroughly explain when and how to be aggressive, passive, and assertive in the sixth chapter of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program.

In a situation where your child is inappropriately noisy, an assertive approach is recommended because aggression is unwarranted and you need to quieten him or her down. There are many assertive skills and techniques you can use. One simple technique is to provide two options. You can say, “Children, be quiet or go outside, please.” Presenting options prevents a child from feeling controlled while giving you what you want.

Another assertive technique is to state the behavior, effect, and feeling. You could say, “Your squealing (the behavior) is making noise in the house (effect) and has made me distressed (the feeling, which should be a tangible effect for children).”

Lastly a passive or low limit approach where you do nothing could be used when the child spills a drink – provided it was an accident. Clean the mess, but do not yell or punish the child for a simple accident. Sometimes you need to compromise your own needs to create a win-win result. (To discover more about using love and limits, in addition to my program, you may also want to purchase Ronald Huxley’s Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting.)

Vary your use of limits with the situation. No single style exists to raise a great child. Be loving and be ready to adjust your limiting style to use passive, assertive, or aggressive behavioral discipline. Follow this advice on the four parenting styles to raise a happy, confident child ready for the world.