By: Cat

Cat — Tue, 30 Oct 2018 07:47:41 +0000

Wow, what an eye opener! I came across this article by searching whether passive was the correct term for me to use about myself, and what I read has just identified what any form of therapy and counselling has ever failed to do over 20 years. I will now sign up to your newsletter and hope to move forward in the knowledge that this is where a lot of my issues with people begin; the reason I am a magnet for difficult people. Thank you for your succinct insight!

By: FL

FL — Mon, 24 Apr 2017 23:13:24 +0000

In reply to S J. It just seems you're aggressive type. A assertive person may get annoyed with this type of behaviour but they would also be understanding and try to see where the behaviour started from.

By: Barbara

Barbara — Fri, 17 Feb 2017 21:40:11 +0000

I believe I suffer from being passive. I have been diagnosed by a psychologist as being “overly Empathetic to a fault”. I don’t agree with some of the ways you describe a passive person. Making them sound like manipulators, only if my mind would work that way! However maybe some are I don’t know I only know how I am. I would never want anyone to feel like a guilt ridden bad person. I wasn’t born this way, I believe it was a slow progression of my entire life. Starting at age seven when my half brother was killed and I emotionally lost my mother, for years. Then when I first met my husband I was only 13, and he was 16. He was my childhood sweet heart. Then two years later he went into the service and was stationed over seas. I was literally love sick, I lost so many days at school, “Too ill to attend”. It was physically painful to be away from him. I wrote him every day, I mean, EVERYDAY. He wrote me at least three times a week. Then his letters stopped slowly coming, and I knew there was someone else. He married a woman 8 years older than him in the Philippines. I was destroyed at 16. His marriage didn’t last a year, she left him for another man, an officer. During that time being a teenager I dated and everyone cruised town on the weekends. Awe good ol days. But I never felt those feelings for anyone else like I had felt for him. They were truly magical and intense. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. Anyway he came home and after awhile we saw each other again and started seeing each other. I never had those precious first feelings again. Maybe I was trying to recapture them, I don’t know. After being in the Marines he was a mans man, the protector of the ones he loves. In other words he was the one who made all the decisions in our life together. It was a slow progression into a nightmare. We were together 25 years, married 17, we have one daughter together. I started feeling the effects of having no say in my life, questioning if I even had a purpose. I excelled at the jobs I had, only two in twenty five years and I always worked. He had many jobs, and finally had a good supervisor job in pest control. Then he took a job as a private citizen for a contracting company in Iraq. He heard about the job and that same day had accepted a position without a second thought, compulsive.
I begged and pleaded for him not to go. He was there for 18 months and the last six months I can’t express the emotional abuse I went through from him. Every night at 7pm I would wait by the phone so he could scream at me and destroy what little self esteem I had left. Once he joked that I was his whipping post and “we get over it honey”. I never have. Then when he came home in June 2006 I was afraid of him . He was acting very strange like he was someone else entirely. Without thinking I grabbed a few things and left. He committed suicide three weeks later. During that three weeks he tried everything to get me a lone at our home. It’s been over ten years and Im still healing. I accept my part in allowing him to have that total control over our lives. He always said he had to protect us, and all his calls to see if I made it to work safely, or when I’d tell him I;’d be somewhere at lunch, he’d show up to “surprise me”. He controlled the finances, if I wanted a dress or something from town I had to “ask” his permission. Then he would have to go with me to approve if he liked it or not. He did all the shopping and cooking. I did the cleaning, but only on Sundays while he watched sports. I was slowly groomed into a very passive person, as long as he was happy life was good. At least for him. That whole situation was very sad. For all of us. So I wan to address: “Unsatisfying relationships. Passive individuals are detached from their communication and relationships. They are completely disengaged from intimacy. They avoid intimacy because their authentic self is protected with the “nice guy” or “nice girl” mask.”
I never saw myself as “a nice girl a do gooder.” I could never do anything right in his eyes, no matter how hard I tried. I only knew intimacy through him, so whatever it was I thought it was normal.
“Growth is thwarted. Passive individuals create an environment where authentic feedback is not given or received. To critique a “nice person” makes the criticizer a guilt-ridden, bad person. Similarly, the nice person does not give feedback to other people.” This passive person didn’t create anything, it was his world. I did what I was told. Okay this next one.
Induces shame in others. Nice guys and girls manipulate others with guilt and shame. They avoid responsibility and giving feedback, making others feel shameful for their feelings towards the nice person. For example, the would-be receiver of a nice person’s feedback feels angry for not getting feedback then becomes shameful for feeling angry at the nice person. (The person is nice after all and it’s wrong to be mad at nice people.)
Manipulation? Avoid responsibility? I wasn’t allowed to think for myself. He manipulated everything. Sent me on a vacation to his sisters in Puerto Rico, I was almost having a break down, got me out of the way so he could do something with someone else. His sister was even aware of it. I learned so much after his death.
“Others get irritated. A guy forgoes his needs by molding himself into his lover’s ideal image. He thinks focusing on his partner is the relationship-healthy thing to do. The passive individual overtime frustrates his partner with high compliance. His overt agreeableness leads to pity and irritation. It is frustrating to be with someone who does not tell you what he feels and wants.”
To a point I agree on this one. But I only tried to be the person HE wanted me to be so life would be good. He got what he wanted but it wasn’t enough. During this time I was losing my sense of self, who was I really.
“Volcanic build up of resentment. Forgo your own needs, avoid voicing your concerns, do not talk about yourself, and dodge confrontation – that’s a potent recipe for a life filled with resentment. All that pressure inside of you cannot remain hidden. Emotional eruptions eventually burst forth as seen in passive-aggressive behavior.”
I did erupt out of self preservation. I felt I was dying. I said enough was enough and I went out of control and reminded him of what he had put us through. This time he did not charge me with fists draw back as if to beat me this time.
Thats when I left. When my best friend heard he killed himself she said she had always feared it would have been me, how did I take that life for so long. I don’t know. I thought it was love, maybe fear of something worse. I remember stuttering for awhile, because I was afraid to speak.
Now this is my life today. I want to live happy. I am in charge of my life. I wont argue with anyone, I avoid conflict, I’ve had enough negative in this life. Yes, I can’t avoid it, it still comes. I wish I could speak up and demand to be heard and not worry about hurting someone else feelings. My daughter has made many mistakes in her life and I have tried to guide her, but not with threats. People will not listen to someone who threatens them, or yells and screams. She is doing better now. I would never give up on her. She yells at me out of frustrations over things beyond my control. I don’t respond to illogical demands, and she figures it out. I am not perfect by far, and I know I have some weird mental issues. But I strive to do my best and now I am trying to learn not to have any expectations of others. Only leads to disappointment. Sorry this is a book, but I wanted to share a different side of passiveness that a person can have. Our life events starting from birth mold who we are. Some of us have a choice, they are allowed to see whats up ahead. While others their choices have been made for them. Like a thief in the night. It happens and you aren’t even aware until it’s too late.

By: Marie

Marie — Sat, 07 Mar 2015 03:07:08 +0000

What do you say about kids who suffer with selective mutism? What contributes to this condition? It is like being paralyzed within yourself. Almost impossible to respond in a classroom setting or socially. My parents were always told, “she’ll grow out of it.” Really? I’m 55 now. Oh, my God. What this has done to me.

By: How to Brainwash People: Techniques to Put an Idea into Someone's Mind

How to Brainwash People: Techniques to Put an Idea into Someone's Mind — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 07:12:00 +0000

[…] days, most people are wise to that idea and “Don’t buy me a birthday present, then!” is more passive-aggressive than planting an idea into their […]

By: How to Be Charming to Men and Women

How to Be Charming to Men and Women — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 00:16:58 +0000

[…] Know a charmer is not a people-pleaser. […]

By: Puleng Mabe

Puleng Mabe — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 14:16:33 +0000

Wow!dat person is me i also use to think i was the only one with such behaviour and its bcoz m stupid.M really up 4 change bcoz dis has been hurting me.realy need ur help pls keep sendig more info and wre can i get hold of ur books.

regards

Puleng

By: [ENFP] Extrovert with Social Anxiety? - Page 3

[ENFP] Extrovert with Social Anxiety? - Page 3 — Mon, 28 May 2012 02:09:11 +0000

[…] than any action at all. This is a really interesting article about passive conditioning: Why People Remain Quiet, Shy, and Non-Assertive: The Benefits of Passive Behavior and Communication I had definitely always been told that my passive behaviour was better than my […]

By: M

Sat, 12 May 2012 05:53:08 +0000

I have to say, this article describes me and am trying to change. I was thinking about when i was younger my teacher and parents did say those things to me. Being passive has made being in realations a bit hard for me as i usually dont have any ideas on what to really do with the person am in a realationship with. always relying on them to think of something, ( am a male ) really feel i should be more dominant. any tips to that

By: rajiv

rajiv — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:53:17 +0000

Thanks a lot for bringing attention this way.
I have been through this condition from last 12 yrs but nvr consider to notice it. Your article helped.

Thanks again buddy

Comments on: Why People Remain Quiet, Shy, and Non-Assertive: The Benefits of Passive Behavior and Communication