Wow! Talk about an amazing list of contrasting fears! The truth about fears is they seem stupid and irrational. What fears do you have that drive you crazy?

You can fear one side of the story and the other at the same time. It is possible to simultaneously fear talking to someone new and not meeting new people because fear hides the truth. I will reveal the truth about fear to you in this article.

Fear creates an experience through a smoke screen. It makes you uncertain of what is ahead. The acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear does not want you to know the truth about itself and yourself.

Fear can immobilize your body. You can want something, but fear sends what seems like a massive electromagnetic pulse through your body to shut down your ability to function. Unless you suffer from poor health, this is a facade, a survival mechanism to protect you from something that will not hurt you.

According to Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, there are five truths about fear. Whatever you fear, provided the fear is not physically dangerous like the taking of drugs, the following five truths apply:

Truth #1

The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.

It is far more comforting and exciting to experience growth and live in fear than to live paralyzed by fear.

Fear is a survival mechanism hardwired into the human mind that makes you think danger and pain resides in the darkness of the unknown. Our ancestors feared when they ventured into new lands because the environments were unfamiliar and potentially life-endangering. Fear will continue to protect you as long as you grow emotionally and mentally. Do not want a fearless life if you desire to grow. As Thomas Leonard, a personal coach, so bluntly put it: “Fear is natural. Be with it.”

Once you explore territory unknown to you, new fears arise. I know it is uncomfortable to hear that, but I am hear to tell you the truth that fear does not want you to know. It is more comforting and exciting to experience growth and live in fear than to be paralyzed by fear. Be excited to know that fear will exist if you live a life worth living.

Truth #2

The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.

Truth number two sounds contradictory to truth number one. Both truths are still truths. You fear because uncertainty looms over your ability to handle the situation. “Fear comes from uncertainty,” said 17th century English playwright William Congreve. “When we are absolutely certain, whether of our worth or worthlessness, we are almost impervious to fear.”

Fear will always exist in your life. The only cure to fear and social anxiety is to accept it and do it. When you do the thing you fear, whether it was a facade or not, you build confidence in your ability to handle the situation. Personal development expert Anthony Robbins said, “Do what you fear, and the death of fear is certain.” Action will conquer fear any day. By acting in the face of fear, you transform the uncertain into the certain as the unknown becomes known.

Truth #3

The only way to feel better about myself is to go out and do it.

When ridden with fear, we reason that we will take action once we feel better about ourselves. “When I’m ready, I’ll…” “If I can… then I’ll…” “I’ll wait till I’m…”

You will not feel like a better person or build more self-belief in your ability until you do what you fear. Stop waiting for whatever it is you want to change! Change your ability to take action.

While self-esteem boosts you ability to take action, go the quicker and more direct route: take action to boost your self-esteem. Confidence builds on itself like a good financial investment leading to more positive feelings about yourself. You feel good about yourself when you dive into action. Stop wanting to be a fearless public speaker before speaking in public. Do public speaking to be a fearless public speaker.

Truth #4

Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else.

You fear because uncertainty looms over your ability to handle the situation.

It is comforting to hear this truth. Every public speaker and writer I know suffered or currently suffers from fears and insecurities over the judgments of other people. These are strong, powerful people who do not let their fears stop them from reaching their life’s mission.

Fear wants you to think it is a unique psychological problem, but it really is an educational problem. Those around you and those you envy also experience (or once experienced) what you fear. The insecurities you feel are unique, unites you with everyone.

Truth #5

Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

Fear encompasses uncertainty, but it is scarier to have the certainty of living a fear-controlled life. The fear of being ill is scarier than seeing a doctor. The fear of having a divorce is scarier than addressing a tough relationship problem. The fear of having no friends is scarier than approaching someone.

When you have a purpose greater than fear, you become courageous. “Courage is not the absence of fear,” said Ambrose Redmoon, “but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” Create a life mission more important than fear to compel yourself to face things you previously were scared to confront.

Repeat each of these truths at least 20 times every morning and night. When you continually affirm the truth, you will accept it as truth. You will no longer be tricked by fear.

I am excited to finally reveal how fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Follow the five truths in this article and you will see the light fear hides from your eyes. Live a fear-filled life!

UPDATE: As a follow up to conquer shyness and your fear of talking with people, read The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom.

When you think others always judge you, you become socially awkward, talk less, and shut-down. This is essentially a social anxiety disorder. It becomes difficult to socialize, have fun, and make friends.

I often get asked how someone can overcome these thoughts where they worry what others think because I had the same problem years ago. I fretted over people’s judgments of me in conversations and general social situations. I stand at 6’9” (206cm) and attract attention where I go (at least that’s what my inner-voice told me). Some people go about their day as I walk by while others gawk. I’m tall, not deaf! I had thoughts like, “Why are they looking at me like that?” destroyed my ability to socially enjoy myself until I discovered a few secrets I will share with you in this article that transformed me into a confident, happy, powerful person.

Surviving the Brutality of People’s Thoughts

Why are you concerned what people think of you? Take time as you explore your concerns. Analyze your unexplored fears and anxieties. Read on once you have thought deeply about this question.

As you explore your worries and anxieties about people’s thoughts towards you, you will see the problem boils down to worrying if people accept or approve you. Your worries center on accurate mind-reading in hope of adjusting yourself to be accepted or approved by people.

Social acceptance is important for everyone. If our ancestors were rejected and ostracized from their tribe, it was a death sentence because they had to confront other tribes and animals while hunting and gathering food by themselves. It was near impossible to survive alone.

Your fears are a survival mechanism so it is okay to want acceptance, but because interactions and group structures have changed after thousands of years, you have outdated ways of thinking and behaving. What thoughts and beliefs helped humans thousands of years ago – even you last year – are unlikely to serve you well now. When you worry what people think of you, does it help you survive? Does it improve your conversation skills?

…chokes your social skills as you become unable to release your real, powerful self into the conversation.

If you think about thinking about people’s thoughts, you see the anxious process does more harm than good. It chokes your social skills as you struggle to release your real, powerful self into the conversation. When you try to determine people’s judgments towards you, your perception of their social judgments creates inhibition and blinds your natural, magnetic personality.

We worry what people think of us more than we know:

• You keep quiet in a meeting as you withhold your ideas in fear of saying the wrong thing and being rejected. From a survival perspective, the fear makes sense because you could be ostracized from the workplace and lose your job, money, and lifestyle. In reality, suggesting an idea will never cause such a drastic outcome (unless you say something absurd like, “Let’s steal from the poor”, but even then your coworkers will probably laugh-off your remarks).
• When you talk to your spouse, you know something needs to be said, but you keep quiet because you fear his or her reaction. From a survival perspective, this could ultimately result in a break up where your genes cease to pass onto the next generation. If you say what is on your mind, however, your relationship strengthens because you discuss what really matters. (Difficult Conversations is a great book for these tough conversations.)
• You avoid doing something silly or unusual in public because you fear other people will label you as “weird”. Some couples do not kiss in public because they worry what the viewing public will think. The same survival principles hold true again: the fear originates from being ostracized from society. No one is going to reject you – yet alone remember you – because you did something you consider an embarrassment.

If you do something people label daring, they may put you down, but most admire your courage. (Tweet this quote.) More often than not, something that is “out there” may not even be “out there” because we fathom what constitutes safety. Giving your opinion in a conversation is not going to determine if you live or die even if it appears daring to you.

Although it is uncomfortable to take action on something you are inhibited over, the return is greater than the initial expense. When you decide to not mind-read people in your conversations, your discomfort increases the same time your power increases. This is as certain as water grows a plant. Facing the uncomfortable makes you powerful.

Your Innate Gift of Mind-Reading

Our ability to infer a person’s mental state is referred by psychologists as having a “theory of mind”. The survival mechanism of mind-reading adapts you to diverse people. It is powerful if you know how to use it.

Researchers agree our theory of mind develops around two years of age. Toddlers can calculate people’s desires, intents, and thoughts. If a toddler sees a crying baby, she infers the distressed baby’s mental state. The toddler may tug her mother’s sleeve, pulling her to comfort the distressed baby. Up until then, you will not see empathetic children with mind-reading skills.

If you were like a baby absent of a theory of mind, you would continuously get in social and emotional trouble. A theory of mind helps you to do the closest thing to mind-reading as you dig into a person’s mind. You are able to see the intangible like: a young boy picked on at school feels hurt and alone; your partner comes home from work smiling, leading you to believe he or she had a good day at work; a depressed friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend leads you to think she needs space for recovery. Your inference into mental states helps adjust your behavior to better accommodate people.

Your inference into mental states helps adjust your behavior to better accommodate people.

What if, however, your friend who broke up with her boyfriend, wants to be comforted by you. Because you guessed she needed space, she would feel neglected, ignored, and more rejected. Inaccurate mind-reading causes relationship destruction.

Tell someone their destructive mental state or intent behind an action, such as, “You’re jealous because you think…”, and you will cause immediate trouble. This is what I refer to as “diagnosing” where we figure out people’s intents behind their actions, which gets us into arguments and detracts from our power with people. (I recommend you read the third chapter on diagnosing of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People for more information about this bad communication habit.)

Mind-reading also frustrates the beholder. We jeopardize our well-being from judgments because we have limited ability to infer someone’s mental state. A person laughing at a distance who makes eye contact with you may be giggling at a joke, not you. You think people judge you – a useful process when used correctly – but it too often sends you to mental imprisonment. You become anxious and constrain your real self from entering the conversation. Your theory of mind is too often an unreliable tool to calculate what people think.

You were given the ability to read someone’s mind so you could better adapt to the environment. Someone aggressively staring you down triggers thoughts of potential danger, allowing you to change to survive the threat. You can be over-reliant on this skill by worrying about people’s thoughts when there is no concrete evidence (such as nonverbal communication) that signal you need to adjust your behavior. What is used to survive and better connect you with people, separates you.

Approval Versus Acceptance – And Why It Matters to You

Let’s look at a paradoxical outcome seen in the following example of someone concerned about social acceptance and meeting a person’s expectations – and be sure to learn from this example. A guy is meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time. He worries about being “good enough” and living up to the high expectations of her parents. He does not want to break up with his girlfriend.

He has two extremes to choose from:

1. He gains their approval.
2. He gains no approval.

Let’s say the guy chooses the first option. In this situation the guy is determined to get the parents’ approval. He analyzes the situation, thinks, worries, and focuses on what the parents could think. He tries to mind-read the parents, which makes him anxious.

When the guy tries to calculate what the parents expect of him, he gets stressed and anxious. His continual analysis of the parents’ thoughts causes awkward behavior. He becomes fidgety, apologetic, and strangled from his natural self. He gets along great with friends, but when it comes to talking with strangers he feels awful.

In this first situation, the guy forward-thinks and screws his chances of gaining the parents’ approval because he is seen as needy and lacking confidence. The guy needs people to validate his identity, which ironically causes them to disapprove him.

When you need approval, people sense it as neediness then reject you. A weak self causes you to be rejected and makes you feel less worthy. The cycle continues as you develop an inferiority complex where you feel less than others.

People with low self-esteem who worry what others think, get their self-esteem from external sources. They feel good when others think good of them and feel bad when others think bad of them. This is why praise and compliments can be a dangerous communication barrier.

When you derive your powerful self from competence, capability, and self-responsibility – instead of external validation that moderates your behavior – you release your powerful self into the conversation.

In the second situation, the guy does not require the parents’ approval. If he finds something funny, he laughs. If he wants something, he asks for it. If he likes something, he says so. These behaviors are different to the first situation where the guy is fidgety, apologetic, and strangled from his natural self.

You may think “he can’t just ignore the parents’ approval of him because he’ll screw up!” The same thought drives destructive mind-reading: you think mind-reading people’s judgments helps your ability to adapt, but more destruction than construction occurs. Your confidence and self-esteem gets knocked down from the destruction of so-called “adapting”.

It is okay to want people to like you without their approval, but not needing approval is different from reckless behavior and not caring what people think of you. Having no need for approval does not mean you run down the street screaming and waving your hands above your head. Reckless behavior will have you cut from society by getting in prison or a mental institution. A healthy balance is possible. You can moderate behavior without needing people’s approval.

Beyond What People Think of You: How to Become More Powerful in Conversations

An elimination of harmful mind-reading is only the first step to not care what people think about you. Because you infer people’s thoughts to get along with people, the second step is to replace the anxious behavior with something to help you with people. Behavioral adjustment to get people to like you is what mind-reading poorly achieves.

In our example, once the guy does not require his girlfriend’s parents to validate if he is good enough for his girlfriend, the battle is half won. He still needs to adapt. He needs to do things like be polite, friendly, joke around, and other things to gain the parents’ acceptance.

Acceptance differs from approval. Seeking approval passes a test to grant yourself permission to be who you are. It is about being “good enough” to meet someone’s standards. On the other hand, acceptance for our purpose builds a positive response to something that is offered. When you seek acceptance, you have a strong sense of self that you present to people, and whether they accept it is up to them. Should people not accept you, it does not diminish your self-esteem because your powerful self comes from inner worth, not external validation. Approval and acceptance are valuable terms you need to reread, understand, and burn into memory.

If you are to be powerful with people, you must build acceptance by doing things people favor, such as starting interesting conversations, making a good first impression, and using other effective communication techniques. Grow yourself and adapt to situations, but do not feel people must validate your reality. Work towards acceptance, but do not worry for approval. Powerfully confident individuals do not require people’s approval at all. They are concerned about people in their life, but they do not limit or inhibit themselves. They seek acceptance without approval.

Once you know the difference between acceptance and approval, and how to build acceptance, release your spontaneous self that attracts people in conversations. Dr. Maxwell Maltz in The New Psycho-cybernetics writes about self-consciousness and releasing your powerful self into the conversation:

The reason some people are self-conscious and awkward in social situations is simply that they are too consciously concerned, too anxious to do the right thing, and too fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing… If these people could let go, stop trying, not care, and give no thought to the matter of their behavior, they could act creatively, spontaneously, and ‘be themselves’… Your creative mechanism cannot function or work tomorrow – or even a minute from now. Only right now.

The paradoxical effect of releasing yourself in the conversation discussed by Dr. Maltz is that people accept you when you stop trying and start being. We fear revealing our true self into conversation, but when we unleash it, people feel it and become attracted to our authenticity.

The guy in the second situation who does not require the parent’s approval, feels confident and others see it. The parents are more likely to accept him. When you rise above the need for people’s approval, your confidence soars, worrying vanishes, and fear of how others see you stops. You are happy with who you are and what you can do.

It surprises me that the purpose of worrying what people think of you is to get them liking you. It is Zen-like that when you trash such thinking, you achieve its goal.

How to Be Free in the Present Moment

A great pianist never anticipates, when performing, every detail needed to play a great song. The pianist allows himself to be enthralled in the moment as his natural playing abilities shine through his music. His focus in the moment makes people accept and like his music.

In a conversation, do not anticipate people’s thoughts towards you, then your natural, powerful personality will be seen. You will behave freely as you do with friends. Act as if no one thinks about you because few probably are. Turn-off the imaginary spotlight you see on yourself and you will be amazed at your high self-confidence. Your new-found confidence will radiate into your conversations as you free yourself from inhibition and release your real self.

Be in the now as you surrender yourself to the moment.

I want you to live in the present moment instead of anticipating the future. Be in the now as you surrender yourself to the moment. People’s reactions do not matter because all that matters is how you respond right now.

Your thoughts about people’s thoughts towards you is an outdated way of thinking that destroys your ability to make conversation. Make the shift to act boldly, build internal sources of validation, gain acceptance (instead of approval), and live in the present moment by not anticipating people’s judgments. You will be unconcerned what people think of you as your powerful self releases into the conversation.

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(Learn to become authentic, confident, and people-magnetic with the Big Talk Training Course, which will help you confidently socialize. Learn more about this breakthrough course available for download here.)