30 years before that on November 18th, 1978, 909 people drank Flavor-Aid mixed with cyanide and valium. The group knew death was imminent. They were members of a cult reportedly persuaded by their leader to drink the poison. Known as the Jonestown incident, this is one example of multiple ritual suicides committed by cult members.

What kind of power can convince people – from frightened teenagers to large groups of adults – to do something as extreme as ending their own lives? History is rife with examples of people behaving in stupid ways due to an idea put into their mind. From joining the Nazi party and being convinced to kill innocents, to joining a cult and giving up all worldly possessions, it seems the human mind is more easily “brainwashed” than we like to think.

The examples are not always extreme. If you have bought something you didn’t want that much, found yourself agreeing to something unpleasant, or changed your opinion after talking to somebody, you experienced how your mind can be influenced by others. 2300 years ago, Aristotle described the mind as an “unscribed tablet” – something easily shaped and written upon by others. We have always wondered how to brainwash people.

Aristotle described the mind as an ‘unscribed tablet’ – something easily shaped and written upon by others.

The fascination with techniques to put an idea into someone’s mind permeates our popular culture too. In the movie Inception, the main character played by Leonardo DiCaprio possesses a rare skill – he can enter the dreams of others then learn their secrets. His team is hired to appear in the dreams of Robert Fischer Jr. to plant a simple idea – the thought of breaking up then selling his father’s business empire. The assumption is a person’s mind can be altered from within, bringing him to believe the idea was his own.

If you’re like, you can’t enter people’s dreams. The core idea behind Inception rings true. The examples described show the destructive power of the brainwashing techniques you’re about to discover. Use these techniques to brainwash people, responsibly and ethically. Positive brainwashing can do anything from impress people at parties to make your relationships better.

Imagine what you could do if you were able to plant ideas inside people’s minds. You might be offered a job, a large sum of money, or a date. Those awkward disagreements could easily come to an end if you were able to change another’s mind, while they believe they thought of the solution themselves. How do you put an idea into someone’s mind? Read on.

Priming to Brainwash People: Secrets to Suck Money Out of Wallets

Primarily used by hypnotists and publicized by TV “psychological magician” Derren Brown, priming involves suggesting an idea at a level the other person is not consciously aware of. If you give someone a list of the words “chicken”, “dog”, and “pet”, then ask them to think of a word that rhymes with “hat” they’re likely to answer “cat”. Their mind is primed to think of animals.

Derren Brown often fools participants into believing he telepathically guesses which item or card they think of, when he has in primed them to think of a specific item. Let him play with you. Watch the video below to try this brainwash experiment to see if he can put his idea into your mind:

Watched it? Only then read on.

To bring the 3 of diamonds to mind, he makes a diamond shape with his hands while telling participants to “visualise the card in your mind” and hits three points in the air when asking them to “clearly see the numbers on the card”. When he pulls out the 3 of diamonds and asks, “Is this the card you were thinking of?” the majority of participants seem shocked.

Priming is used in advertising. Studies show that exposure to food advertisements increase the amount people eat that day. When you think about all the messages and images you receive every day, you start to realize how marketing companies prime us to spend. This can work in other ways: exposure to messages about old age cause people to walk more slowly, and people asked to recite the Ten Commandments before a task become much less likely to cheat. Getting somebody to think along certain lines can influence the decisions they make later.

Here’s a great party trick: prime your participant’s mind to think of yellow items. Do this by talking about or pointing out something yellow, wearing a yellow shirt, or perhaps humming the tune to “Yellow Submarine”. You can be creative. Ensure your tactics are not too obvious. A few minutes later, tell a third friend in the conversation you can guess what fruit your primed friend will say. Tell your primed friend to name the first fruit that comes to mind. Because of the yellow priming, the chances are he or she will think then say “banana”.

…exposure to messages about old age cause people to walk more slowly.

Prime somebody into being more agreeable by beginning a conversation with questions that generate a lot of “yes” responses. “The weather’s nice today, isn’t it?” and other yes-inducing questions make somebody more likely to say yes to your suggestion.

If you want to plant an idea involving money (for example, you want a pay raise), it is better to prime the person for empathy and kindness, as thinking about money automatically makes people less inclined to share their wealth. Instead, get them thinking about their social connections and their pride in their own generosity by asking them about their family or hobbies.

Word Ambiguity and Embedded Commands to Put an Idea into Someone’s Mind

The sentence “You might have decided by now” seems innocent enough until you realize it contains the command “buy now”. A method used by therapists and salespeople alike is embedding commands in seemingly innocuous sentences.

Imagine you are trying to win over a person you want to date. “You, like me, have an interest in cars,” contains the embedded command ‘like me’, while placing emphasis on certain words can also have the effect of highlighting your hidden message – e.g. “I’m not sure what you want to do, but I’m going to go out for a cigarette, if you’d like to come with me.”

These techniques, in essence, rely on clever wordplay. If you’ve ever fallen for a joke or misheard a song lyric, you’ll know how easily certain phrases can be misinterpreted. Using ambiguity in your speech can subtly convey a message without directly saying it. There are several types of ambiguous sentences, such as “I had to greet guests” / “I had two Greek guests”, (phonological) or “Woman, without her man, is nothing” / “Woman: without her, man is nothing.” (structural).

NLP practitioners and hypnotists often pronounce sentences in ambiguous ways to change their patients’ way of thinking. Think of any combination of words that sound similar, and how you could slip a hidden message into a seemingly innocent sentence. Something as innocent as “Let’s have a cup of proper tea” could bring the idea of property into a person’s head; perfect if you want somebody to consider moving house.

Watch Derren Brown plant the idea of a BMX bike into Simon Pegg’s head (with an overlay explanation of what he is doing):

How to Brainwash People by Being Incomplete

If you offer an idea to someone on a plate, the chances are they will reject it. People like to believe they are clever. We cling to ideas we believe are ours and reject ideas pushed on us from the outside. The trick is to convince the person your idea is actually theirs. This is a common technique in sales and advertising; images of attractive women wearing perfume do not tell you that buying the perfume will make you more attractive, but the pieces are there for your brain to put together.

To plant an idea in someone’s mind and have them believe it was their own, lay clues without being too obvious. It’s like Dale Carnegie’s advice to praise features in someone you want to bring forth.

If you are impatient, you will give yourself away; this is something that needs to be done over time. If you are trying to choose holiday destinations and your partner is set on Europe while you dream of Hawaii, you could occasionally mention a crime that has happened in Europe or comment on how expensive you’ve heard it is there. To promote your own idea, there are a lot of things you can do without mentioning Hawaii.

One way is to play dumb. Suggest it would be great if you could go somewhere with great beaches and cocktails, but without the stress of having to exchange your dollars. If you do this effectively and not too obviously, your partner might come to the conclusion themselves.

Once they think themselves smart for working it out, it will become “their” idea. They will be more attached to the idea. For extra effect, leave a picture of a tropical beach lying around. They might not consciously notice it, but the picture will take root in their mind and start to grow.

It is possible to pretend a person previously mentioned something – frame your idea with something like “As you were saying before…” or “I’m sure it was you who told me …” Even if they have no memory of saying this, a positive or wise statement you attribute to them can be too tempting to pass up. Many people assume they must have said it at some point, and begin to claim ownership and feel pride over the idea.

This method can also be used to give advice. If you have a friend who never takes your advice, you may be telling him or her what to do. Rather than giving instructions, ask leading questions to lay out the pieces. It might be obvious to you they need to ask for a pay raise at work. You could ask, “Have you thought about what you might do to earn more money?”

The pay raise solution will come to them in something of a eureka moment, at which point you smile and congratulate them on their idea. Therapists often use this technique to give their clients a feeling of power and control over their lives. Nobody likes to feel they need other people to tell them what to do making the technique effective.

How to Use Reverse Psychology on Men and Women

If you see yourself as a rebel, you probably hate being told what to do. What if instead of “Tidy your room!” your mother had said “I bet you couldn’t make your room tidy even if you tried”? People think of reverse psychology in very simple terms – telling somebody to do the opposite of what you want them to do. These days, most people are wise to that idea and “Don’t buy me a birthday present, then!” is more passive-aggressive than planting an idea into their mind.

Advertisers often use reverse psychology; if you’ve ever desired a product because it was expensive or limited, then you might have fallen prey to the technique. People want what is hard to get, and don’t care so much about what is easy to obtain.

Try this with dating. Once you have attraction, tell a woman, “I’m going to stop this right now; it would never work out between us” or suddenly act as if you are disinterested. For women who are used to getting what they want, this can make you far more interesting and convince them they want to be with you.

People think of reverse psychology… [as] more passive-aggressive than planting an idea into their mind.

Reverse psychology works especially well on rebellious or argumentative people. A simple statement like “You probably wouldn’t like the roller coaster; it’s too scary” can get your friend lining up with their ride ticket. Your bold statement gets them thinking, “What do they know about me?” and convinces your friend that trying the thing you suggest to avoid was their idea.

Be careful using this technique unwittingly. Telling your mate not to date a girl may get him to believe you and remain single.

Although the idea of manipulating another person’s mind is ethically questionable, remember we are manipulated on a daily basis by advertisers and politicians, whether in the form of subtle priming (“That politician said something that made me feel good; his other statements must be good, too!”) to obvious reverse psychology (“It’s expensive, so it must be good!”).

Brainwashing can be used for evil. Like any power, it can also be used to improve your life without hurting anyone. It can be used to make the world a better place – imagine being able to persuade more people to be kind to each other, to look after the environment, or to eat more healthily! The techniques outlined here, when used properly (and ethically), opens up doors you might never have dreamed possible. Of course, you don’t have to use them if you don’t want to.

You are already swimming in the wake of those who courted their way ahead in a career or relationship with charm. Charming people get more affection from the opposite sex, get respected by strangers, and get the raise they want at work. Charming people have an easier, more enjoyable life.

In medieval times (and still to this day) magic had charm because of its mysteries. It had unknown traits that left outsiders dumbfounded. When you charm men and women, they wonder what magic you wield to make people respect and like you.

The good news is if you have as much charm as a backyard rock, you too can transform into a captivating diamond. If you feel you can never outshine the one always topping you with a cooler line, relax then follow some of the best tips showing how to be charming to men and women.

Be Sociable

I was going to put “be nice”, but that can be interpreted as some of the worst advice. If on a date, be nice to the valet people, waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and other service workers by smiling and saying, “G’day”. Ask them with genuine interest how their day is going. If you be a snotty snob, you look worse by the second. People around you wonder how your hair strategically hides your horns.

It’s charming to show friendliness to everyone. Being sociable in everyday “micro-interactions” makes you charismatic.

Show Confidence

You want to know “how to be charming to men and women”? Confidence has been undeniably taught for centuries as a method to charm. If you enter a social situation feeling good about yourself and looking your best, you do better than feeling like trash and looking like so. Any situation you enter with your tail between your legs causes you to stuff up. That’s all I’m going to say about confidence here as nobody can quickly tell you how to be confident.

Remember Arrogance is not Charm

Charm is not where you become Ron Burgundy, walk up to someone, then talk about how awesome you are. If two minutes into the conversation you brag about your recent humanitarian efforts in Haiti and rattle off the titles of leather bound books in your office, you’re not a charmer; you’re an arrogant a-hole. Please stop talking. Real charm comes from receiving by doing things like being genuinely interested and not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Be Lively, Not Obnoxious

Real charm comes from receiving… not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Whether you are at a bar, restaurant, or event in the park and you are the loudmouth everyone can hear, they’ll want to punch you in the face. It’s not cute and it’s not charming to be the loud, obnoxious person.

Be Positive

I know I’m drowning you in cliches. Too many people I’ve talked to don’t understand how to be charming to men and women because of simple mistakes. Nobody wants to hang around Negative Nancy.

Being sarcastic and cynical is one thing, though it’s difficult to show that part of you in a non-negative way. I like to think of being positively sarcastic as a type of art form. It’s difficult to achieve, but you’re golden if you can properly execute it in a sparing manner.

Avoid discussing how much you hate your job, how bad your health is, how tasteless the music being played is, and how you’re having the worst hair day ever (even though you were just complimented on it). Steer clear of topics like death and suffering, but when they are brought up and others want to discuss them, you can talk about tough topics with a soothing calmness.

Complimenting people is one great way to be positive. I’ll briefly teach you how to compliment soon. When someone compliments you, avoid responding with, “Ugh, you think so? I don’t like it.” Graciously say thank you and leave it at that.

Steve Pavilanis from A Life Less Anxious has a simple way to be more positive around people and with yourself:

Show Interest

Many of us are inclined to start talking about ourselves once someone mentions their hobby, as in, “Oh you like traveling? I just got back from Guatemala. I was helping to pave that giant hole in the earth. Did you hear about that?”

Instead, ask about their travels first, otherwise you look desperate to woo them with your God-like Earth-paving abilities and you will be made fun of when you leave. Always ask at least one question when someone mentions their career or a hobby.

Pure presence is intimately mind-warping.

Questioning itself does not charm people. It’s how you lean forward, widen your eyes, and focus on the person’s every word that charms men and women. Pure presence is intimately mind-warping. You’ve got to experience it to know what I’m talking about. There’s a whole chapter on this in Big Talk that makes it easy to charm anyone.

As a rule of thumb, whenever someone shows interest in a topic, respond with equal interest or positive curiosity. Listen to what they say with genuine interest. Minutes will fly-by as they think you’re a great conversationalist. After being heard, they will be keen to hear the stories of your travels. Only then is it okay to brag about your Earth-healing adventure.

Keep in Mind Silence is Golden

Silence at the right time is charming. A silent look into someone’s eyes with a warming smile can say much more than hours of speech.

If you’re awful at moments of silence, practice showing interest in people and work on your listening skills. People have untapped knowledge deep listening digs up. If a guy talks about a problem, listening intently helps him solve his own problems and it makes you look good! By actively listening you honor the talker’s thoughts and feelings and accept people for who they are which they will love.

Silence is golden and duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Withhold Advice

Active listening means you withhold advice until the person is done talking. Keep your unwelcome or unnecessary opinions to yourself. If a woman goes on about how her family never listens to her, don’t respond with “It’s no wonder” nor should you give her your elite suggestions to solve the situation. (Feel free, though, to talk about me and refer her to TowerOfPower.com.au!)

Silence is golden and duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Advice is 1 of 12 communication killers revealed in the Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. You think you help people with advice, but there’s four reasons solutions hurt relationships.

Show Your Sense of Humor

Men and women love a sense of humor. Whether you’re the equivalent of a stand-up comedian, sarcastic, sharp with your wit, dry or dark, don’t be afraid to let it show. Inhibition is the greatest barrier to being funny.

You likely abstain from humor in fear that it’ll make people laugh at you. Bad humor repels people more than not being funny so let your humor-radar carefully guide you through the social waters. If your sense of humor has you walk up to a woman to say, “I like my women like the preparation of a good coffee: ground up and in the freezer,” don’t count on getting far.

There’s hope for you to become funnier because humor is learned. Get Comedy Writing Secrets to learn how humor is structured.

Also, an unusual way to improve your sense of humor is to laugh. Laughter is after all, the other side of a sense of humor. Laughing gets you in a good mood and trains you to take yourself lightly. We like people who laugh at our conversational humor. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex and spill your drink or twist up your words, laugh at yourself and relax about it. You can even playfully accuse the person for your accident: “Look what you did!”

Ease your way into humor by learning what works and what’s socially acceptable. You can charm people with laughter and not be a comedian.

Give Authentic, True, and Genuine Compliments

Everyone loves a compliment because it feels good to be admired, attractive, and appreciated (the triple A). Men particularly love them because we naturally crave respect and honor. Love to a woman is like respect to a man. An effective compliment, nonetheless, charms any person.

Sincerity in a compliment is not enough to make someone feel “the triple A”. Timing is also important. Showering someone with sweet words every hour is not attractive and takes away from the authenticity of everything else you say. A simple “you look great in that dress” or “you have beautiful eyes” is perfectly acceptable in small doses.

The last and most important factor to consider to give a killer compliment is figuring out what the person wants to be admired for. There’s no point praising a person on his shirt if he picked it with no care. If the person wears a shirt with the slogan “Help save African children from aids” because he worked in Africa for a few months fighting the disease, then the emotional connection he has with his shirt powers your compliment.

Charisma expert Wayne Elise has some extra advice on how to compliment.

Talk About Your Interests with Passion

Passion is infectious. If the person you talk to or are interested in hears you speak with passion and enthusiasm about what you do, they will become more intrigued with you. If you drone on about your job or how the last few vacations you took were a drag, you come across as Debbie Downer or Derek Depressor no one wants to travel with (or talk to).

Balance Your Work and Social Life

Charming people have the time to charm people! You’re not going to win men and women over by sitting in your office cubicle or playing World of Warcraft to six in the morning. You have got to get out to better socialize with these 14 amazing social skills resources.

We’ve all used the “I can’t, I have to…” excuse on someone we’re disinterested in, and have probably had it used on us. After awhile people are conditioned to think anyone who says no or says they have another commitment is blowing them off because they’re disinterested. I’m not saying you have to cancel plans every time someone you’re interested in wants to spend time with you, but have a flexible schedule.

Few persons want to date or be friends with someone who always runs off to work. Do you think a charming person values work over his or her friends?

Be Ambitious

If you have some direction in your life and goals regarding where you see yourself in 10 years – whether your goal is purchasing a home, helping the homeless in your city get off the street, or getting a raise at your job – show something. You do not look good when you come across as completely clueless with no goals or desires for your future.

For more tips with what you can do physically to improve your charm, a few key body language ideas follow.

Stand with Good Posture

An upright posture with your spine straight, shoulders back, and neck straight gives the added impression of self-confidence. Many people avoid standing this way because they feel uncomfortable or overpowering, but standing with this good posture after awhile feels natural and looks better.

Relax Your Facial Muscles

A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm.

As you read this, your brow is likely to be a little furrowed, eyes squinted, and lips pursed. Maybe not all these, but some, right? Why are you doing this? Can you see the monitor just fine? Probably. Chances are you do some of these things when you are in public as well.

Tension is unconscious, but relaxation is conscious. A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm. Relax the muscles on your face to the point where you cannot detect tension. You may even want to make this a routine right before you enter a room to socialize.

Smile with Your Teeth

A smile that shows teeth is more appealing and more attractive than a smile with lips together. The later is not as natural and charming. Even if you hate your teeth, research proves showing them when you smile is more authentic. An authentic smile shows you’re enjoying yourself, which is a charming trait. Watch this video for extra tips on how to smile:

Dress Comfortably

You may have worn an outfit that was “hot” or “appealing” or “fashionable,” but didn’t feel completely “yourself” in it. You feel wrong wearing something not you. You spend time adjusting, looking in the mirror, and worrying you look ridiculous. It distracts too much of your brain.

The principle is this: get comfortable in what you wear or don’t wear it. Don’t go out of your way to wear something just because you heard it appeals to someone of the opposite sex. You look more like a weirdo tugging at your outfit the whole night than if you wore your trustworthy outfit yet to fail you for years.

Authentic Charm – How to Be Charming

If you have yet to notice, charm is the art of having a good personality. And a “good personality” in this context is how good you are with people. Again, charm is good people skills.

Good looks is a part of charm, but even that forms your first impression with people so it relates to people skills. If you look good and you know it (and not in a cocky way), it will come through in your personality and you’re more likely to act your most “charming.” I’m quiet and flirty and work with that.

No matter what you do or no matter how hard you “try” to be charming, you will think someone is doing a better job than you, looks better than you, or seems to ease into conversation better than you. Overlook another person’s antics. Let them be them and you be you. Comparing yourself to others devours too much energy better spent on talking and listening to an awesome person and charming their face off. Focus on doing that instead of mental mutilation.

Self-consciousness hurts your ability to build friends. A charming person, after all, knows charm is held in the eye of another man or woman.

For hundreds more tips on how to be charming, make conversation, and win friends, check out the Big Talk Training Course.

Alicia didn’t think her boyfriend was someone with a controlling personality – two years later she is still confused about her boyfriend’s behavior. She tells her friends that Randy controls what she does and how she feels, but they say it’s typical for men to behave that way. She has gone to a counselor. Everyone says to work on her relationship more. Alicia sometimes thinks if she loves Randy more, he will change.

Few people know the signs of a controlling personality. You could even be unaware you’re a controlling person. By the time such behaviors are evident, years of misery pass in the relationship with much verbal or physical abuse. The sooner you can identify the signs of controlling men or women, and how to handle these people (but more importantly yourself) with the advice I’ll give you in this article, the better you’ll protect yourself from a dangerous person who can create an abusive relationship.

How a Controlling Personality Develops

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.Thomas Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

How we perceive and judge information is the secret to understand controlling behavior from a friend or stranger. Psychologist Carl Jung discovered that people have four psychological functions:

1. Sensing (“It smells nice”, “I need to touch it first”, “Let me see it”)
2. Intuiting (“I have a feeling something bad will happen”, “I bet today is going to go wonderfully”, “I sense there’s something special about you”)
3. Thinking (“Lets look at the problem logically”, “It doesn’t match the set criteria”, “That happened before”)
4. Feeling (“I feel pain”, “I love the energy in this room”, “It feels right”)

The sensate and intuit functions gather and perceive information. The thought and feeling functions evaluate and judge the information. You can see the four psychological functions and their relationships represented below.

You might know these functions through the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). All four functions serve an important part of the healthy human personality. The MBTI states that we have predominate functions and rely on other functions to a lesser degree. You rely on the sensate function by trusting your five senses (“I love the taste of this new recipe”), but at the same time you still receive messages from your intuition (“Customers are going to enjoy this new recipe”).

While the healthy person is connected to these four functions, the controlling person is unaware of one or more functions and unaware of one’s dictating behavior. Patricia Evans, author of Controlling People, says a controlling personality begins when one of the four functions are blocked, which leads to poor self-understanding and a blindness to one’s behavior. Once a guy loses a connection with himself, which formed his reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.

Men typically control others when their feeling function is blocked. Males have been told: “don’t feel pain”, “real men don’t cry”, “you’re too sensitive”, “men must stay strong”, and “if you get emotional, you lose”. A young boy cuts his knee and cries to which his father responds, “That doesn’t hurt so stop crying.” Gradually the boy disconnects from himself then ignores his feeling function. The boy’s inner reality is negated by others who tell him his feelings are wrong.

Once a guy loses a connection with himself, which formed his reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.

Disconnection is natural, yet ongoing disconnection is dangerous. It is necessary for a soldier to block his feeling function to get through the blood and brutality of war, but if the temporary blockage becomes permanent, he loses awareness of the feeling function. The soldier returns from war unsure how to feel pain and joy and struggles to empathize with someone in distress. Trauma, culture, and parents are the primary reasons people disconnect.

The four functions are necessary for survival. Without attention to bad-tasting food, a vibe that warns you of a dangerous location, obscure rationale, and another’s feelings, safety is jeopardized. A soldier deeply connected to pain in battle struggles to survive.

When a person permanently disconnects, an identity problem arises. The person’s psyche is violated. Once a person cannot believe his own senses, intuition, thoughts, or feelings, what consistency can be established to form the person’s identity? Identity and control must be established in the only other way possible: by controlling people.

Evan’s terms this a “backwards connection”. If people are not self-aware of inner experiences, they form their identity from the outside-in instead of the inside-out. While healthy people construct their identity from experiences via the four functions, soon-to-be controllers construct themselves by a desired self-image or what others think one should be like. Controllers define another person’s reality. Intergenerational behavior leads them to treat their partners or children the same way they were treated.

The Dark Dangerous Secret of a Controller

Healthy, authentic persons realize authenticity in others. Controllers on the other hand, hate authenticity. Their experiences are unknown so they circumvent others from their experiences.

The controller molds his or her partner or child into the desired person then connects to that fake person. A controlling husband can say he loves his wife, but he really loves the perfect wife constructed in his mind. This is one reason women struggle to address a controlling husband. Victims are so blinded by this pretend love, thinking the person who defines and controls him or her is truly in love.

Victims are so blinded by this pretend love, thinking the person who defines and controls him or her is truly in love.

Controlling and abusive relationships are common in marriages because one spouse does not fit “Prince Charming” or “Princess”. It is impossible anyway for these personas to be realized.

In our example, Randy creates a backwards connection by connecting to the fake Alicia. She has senses, intuition, thoughts, and feelings Randy ignores because her experiences fail to match up to the idealized princess. This leaves Alicia feeling confused, invalidated, and ignored.

The ideal image knows what the controller wants, feels, and thinks. Controllers assume “one mind” with their victims. If the controlled person fails to behave congruently with the ideal image by mind-reading the controller, the person is often ignored, abused, argued against, or told what to be, say, and feel in an attempt to negate authenticity and mold into the unattainable image.

Victims like a woman who try to be the perfect wife based on the abuse received from her controlling husband cannot consistently be the idealized image. Moments of genuineness always show – they are who the person really is after all.

Controllers do not see their behavior for what it is, however. Most are completely dumbfounded as to why they control others. If you are a controller, you will not know why you behave hurtfully towards one or two victims of your controlling behavior while most people see you as a beautiful, nice, caring person. Pleas for help can easily go ignored for the behavior is deceptive.

Controllers assume ‘one mind’ with their victims.

Blame blinds controllers. Rapists, murderers, and others convicted of assault say it was the victim’s fault because the victims showed authenticity that stirred the perpetrator to eliminate. Controllers never take responsibility for their behavior and instead accuse their victims who “deserved it”. Battered wives are blamed, beaten-down, and belittled by abusive husbands who believe their spouses are responsible for their rage. Criminals can sit in their prison cell and still blindly conclude their victims are the reason one is imprisoned.

2 Major Signs of Controlling People

The best sign to identify a controlling man or woman is to see if the person assumes one mind. I would assume one mind with you if I became angry over you not knowing what I wanted.

One-mindedness is a warning sign of a controlling person because the ideal image knows what the controlling person wants, thinks, and feels. The moment this perfect understanding is brought back to reality with a question, rage can form. If Alicia asks Randy, “When will you be back?” “Why do you treat me like this?” and “Why can’t I satisfy you?”, he could show controlling behavior like avoiding, arguing, or abusing her.

A second major warning sign of a controlling person is they define you. I would define you by telling you what you think and feel.

A controlling person defines victims based on the ideal image. Authenticity is neglected. What a victim really feels and thinks is replaced by the controlling person’s definition. The definition forms a fantasy, trying to pull the victim back into the perfect persona. You can see this in the following situations in which Alicia is defined by Randy:

• Alicia says, “I want to order chicken teriyaki.” Randy replies, “Don’t get it because you won’t like chicken teriyaki.”
• Alicia says, “I’m trying.” Randy replies, “You’re not trying!”
• Alicia says, “Please don’t treat me that way.” Randy replies, “You always try to blame me for what happens to you! It’s your own bloody fault you get treated that way!”
• Alicia says, “I’m feeling sad.” Randy replies, “Stop trying to manipulate me.”
• Alicia says, “I want to work again.” Randy replies, “You don’t know what you want.”

Randy defines Alicia. He destroys her authenticity by molding her into his idealized image.

Most of the responses defining Alicia are paradoxical. Controllers create the exact opposite of what they try to achieve:

1. They try to get close by barking orders, but their controlling behavior creates distance
2. They try to show power by belittling others, but their controlling behavior shows inferiority
3. They try to show wisdom and intelligence by disproving a victim’s point of view, but their controlling behavior shows incomprehension and shallowness
4. They think their perception is clear, but it is unclear

Intimacy is a paradoxical outcome avoided. The controller attempts to fulfill a need of closeness with the victim, yet true closeness is never achieved when the connection is with an inauthentic person. You cannot be intimate with a controller. Intimacy requires two persons to understand their feelings and connect with each for who they really are. Controllers cannot get intimate because they lack one or more of the four operational functions.

If you control someone, seeing theses signs is usually enough to make you see firsthand the false reality you live in and what you need to bring yourself back into an authentic world. Some recovering controllers see the severity of their behavior and cannot kill it so they respect their victims by ending a relationship to seek healing.

How to Deal with a Controlling Person

Now you can recognize and understand a controlling person – maybe you even identified some characteristics in yourself – I’ll share with you the secrets to manage a person who tries to control you.

The first step to deal with a controlling person is to believe no one knows exactly how you feel and think. Victims of abuse can have their self-esteem pummeled heavily into the ground that they believe abusers more than themselves. Someone cannot define you – not even a psychologist. It is vital you acknowledge and believe your self-understanding over what a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, father or mother, manager or employee tells you.

The second step to deal with a controller uses the one-mindedness warning sign. Identify when the person trespasses your “psychic boundary”. Similar to the first step, detect trespasses by seeing what someone does when they attempt to define you. While the first step is an acknowledgment and belief before controlling behavior surfaces, this second step reinforces the first step the moment someone controls you.

Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response.

The third step is to speak up to controlling people. You cannot shatter the idealized image placed on you until you speak up to face the problem. Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response. (Tweet this quote.)

The fourth step uses the “What?” technique taught by Evans who says victims fall into the false reality controllers create by arguing with them. Most people respond to controllers by trying to contradict the nonsense such as: “I do love chicken teriyaki!” “Far out, I try so hard!” “I am sad… You don’t know how I feel!” Here is a sample dialog between Randy and Alicia who sticks to her habits by arguing with Randy, which is ineffective:

“I want to work again,” says Alicia.
“You don’t know what you want,” replies Randy.
“I do want to work again. I have a desire to pursue my photography career.”
“You don’t really like photography! Keep doing what you’re doing now.”
“No! I’ve been looking at some photography magazines and I really want to do it!”
“Where are those magazines? GIVE THEM TO ME SO I CAN TEAR THE DAMN THINGS UP YOU F***** B****!”

Do not argue with a person who defines you. Evans recommends you do not even validate what they say through argument. You instead ask, “What?” or variations of it repeatedly. Other responses Alicia and you can use that do not validate a controller’s remarks are, “Cut it out”, “Quit that”, and “What are you doing?” Here is a sample dialog between Randy and Alicia who uses variations recommended by Evans:

“I want to work again,” says Alicia.
“You don’t know what you want,” replies Randy.
“What?”
“You don’t know what you want.”
“What?”
(For the first time Randy realizes something is going on.) “Cut it out. You heard me. You don’t want to work again.”
“Nonsense.”

A word of warning using this fourth step: do not use it on a dangerous person. It is too threatening to use on someone who can potentially go into rage. Protect yourself, protect your children. Be careful when you deal with a controller because they fight to keep their reality alive. A cut to their reality is perceived as death.

No controlling person is going to change their behavior through one conversation. The above dialog between Alicia and Randy is the start of healing. Controllers need to see for themselves the backward connections they have created with others.

Leaving a Controlling Relationship

Humility means accepting reality with no attempt to outsmart it.David Richo, The Five Things We Cannot Change

If you decide to leave a controller, their fake reality weakens. They may not change, but many do realize what their behavior did to themselves and the lives of their victims.

Be careful when you deal with a controller because they fight to keep their reality alive.

There are shelters that help sufferers of abuse should you leave a controlling spouse. Other options you can consider is to stay with family and friends and contact the police. Do something about the problem for the safety and happiness of yourself and your children.

Children in controlling relationships need help otherwise they are at risk of dictating others later in life. The moment a child’s fundamental needs remain unfilled, the child escapes to a fake world where those needs are met.

Psychotherapists say a common object in which a child obtains these needs is from a toy like a teddy bear. The bear is spoken to as an idealized person, always listening, always knowing, always understanding the child. The teddy is defined by the child and is one mind with the child. Later in the life the toy is projected onto others who get controlled by the person.

The intergenerational transmission of control cycles again unless it is stopped. Now is the time to deal with controlling people to take control of what is controlling you.

If you suspect someone is in a controlling relationship, possibly the greatest gift you can give them right now is an understanding and freedom from controllers by telling the person about this article. Share this article by email, post it on Facebook, or tweet it.

(To discover more on one-mindedness, checkout chapter three of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program, which reveals this communication barrier many people use. You can learn more about the program that can help you better communicate in your relationships here. If you want to become whole again and connect with suppressed parts of yourself so you can easily connect with people, my other program Big Talk: Effortlessly Talk to Win Friends with the Real You is a breakthrough solution you can discover here.)

After studying communication for almost a decade, I notice we make many dumb relationship mistakes and communication errors that I’m about to share with you. I use the term “dumb” not to put you down, but to label the mistakes lots of people repeat. Put an end to these 15 relationship mistakes in no particular order:

1. Withhold Feeling

Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn.Benjamin Franklin

Men are more guilty than women in withholding feelings from their partner. We tend to hide our irritation instead of revealing what annoyed us. Women are indirectly guilty of this relationship mistake. While women are more emotional than men, they withhold feelings in the sense that they blame or criticize others to indirectly express emotion. Saying, “I hate you for…!” is not a good way to express feelings. An expression of emotion is, “I feel sad about…” “I’m feeling happy you…” “I am angry!”

2. Reject Emotion

You choose a path; a direction, not an immediate outcome. You don’t choose how to feel or what pops into your head. You can choose a path that leads towards what you value or you can choose avoidance and fusion. Your choice.Steven Hayes

We may withhold feelings from someone because we reject emotion. It is uncomfortable for most people to feel guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and even love so they reject these emotions by thinking positively or generally suppressing them. Your relationships deteriorate if you suppress anger, for example, because you resent and behave bitterly with people. You feel whatever you do for a reason – accept it. The next time you feel something intense, notice if you want run from it or embrace it.

3. Blame

Whatever one of us blames in another, each one will find in his own heart.Seneca

The failure to healthily express emotion can show itself through blame, a common relationship mistake. Look at an argumentative couple to see each person blaming the other for relationship problems. Neither acknowledges imperfection, preferring to be right. Each person thinks people ought to change instead of taking the responsibility for self-change. Victimization is a relationship mistake unhealthy for either person.

4. Gossip

Live that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.Will Rogers

People gossip about their relationships mainly for self-pity. They seek validation the other is to blame for relationship problems. If you have a relationship problem, talk with the person you share the problem with and stop complaining about it to your friends or coworkers. The other person is not the cause of your suffering; you are because of your ignorance to the problem through gossip. If a gossiper puts the mirror on himself, he would realize the rumors hurt his relationships. A gossiper is no better than the originator of the problem. Neither roles create resolution – both compound it.

5. Negatively Interpret Behaviors

Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.Marshall Rosenberg

Give people a margin-for-error because you do not know every detail.

A gossiper is one example of someone who interprets behavior in a negative light. Each little behavior signals a conspiracy against the cynic. If you think your husband is having an affair, anything he does will be filtered through that perspective. If you think a friend is turning against you, you will think him declining an invitation reflects such hatred.

Give people a margin-for-error because you do not know every detail. Each of us hold a piece of truth discoverable through communication. The best way to resolve your worries is to ask the person by showing interest in their life.

6. Show A Lack of Interest

There are two levers for moving men: interest and fear.Napoleon Bonaparte

Do you know what happened to your partner today? When was the last time you watched a friend play their weekly sport? When did you last ask what someone did at work? Get curious about people’s lives by asking a lot of questions and displaying attentive body language. Communication often lacks in relationships because neither person takes the initiative to learn about the other person. Interest in people’s lives makes them feel important, builds the relationship, and teaches you a lot of great stuff in the process. Think of something a person important to you enjoys then go do it with them. You may even want to take up a new hobby together like dancing or yoga.

7. Exert Excessive Control

When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.Byron Katie

We hate being controlled and told what to do. The worst managers micro-manage to dictate employee behavior. Many angry employees echo similar remarks.

The greatest leaders give team members freedom. The same is true in families and other interpersonal relationships. If you order your teenage daughter to not smoke, research shows she is more likely to smoke. One study looked at how values transmit through families and found that children with authoritarian parents have differing values. When parents are more supportive rather than restrictive, children agree and accept similar values.

8. Try to Change People

When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudice, and motivated by pride and vanity.Dale Carnegie

Whenever we try to change people, whether it be through manipulation, criticism, orders, threats, or rewards, they take on strange behavior. Do a test over a non-important issue with someone you know well. Intentionally tell the person what they are doing is wrong. The person may not change, become suddenly quiet, resent you, look at you weird, or purposefully do what you said not to do. Changing people is not the issue – what you say and how you come across is the issue.

9. Remain Unchanged

Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.George Bernard Shaw

We expect people to change while we remain unchanged. Rigid perspectives on money, family, work, emotion, and the relationship creates severe friction that can destroy a relationship. “If my coworker stopped…then I’d be able to…” “If my son stopped…then I could…” “My partner should…then I’d feel…” I’ll give you an if-statement to remember: if you don’t change, you have no right to expect people to change.

10. Keep One’s Point of View

The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.Leonardo da Vinci

It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time.

What is your honest estimate of the percentage you think you are right in an argument? 80? 90? 100%? I estimate most people say 95%. That means a fighting couple’s righteousness totals 190%, a formula for conflict. It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time. We are not divine beings knowing of truth.

Each of us possess parts of truth that we must be flexible enough to explore. The cure to any couple’s problem is held by each person because their point of view is 50% of the relationship.

11. Deny Flaws

It takes a lot of courage to face up to things you can’t do because we feed ourselves so much denial.Zoe Saldana

Refusal to change and determination to stick to your original point of view is a pursuit of perfection. No one is perfect. We understand that in our head but emotionally do not live it out. We prefer to blame and hate others. A simple sit-down discussion where the two of you each admit three flaws about yourselves helps keep destructive perfection at bay while encouraging growth. You do not fear imperfection when mistakes are encouraged to surface.

12. Do Not Appreciate

I can live for two months on a good compliment.Mark Twain

Relationships are easy to take for granted. We devalue what we have while desiring what is out of our reach. Put effort into the relationship. You can show people you value the relationship with them through admiration. Give a compliment. Send a gift. Thank someone for a task they did. Phone one person now to thank them for something specific.

13. Judge Others

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.Carl Jung

We love to judge people. As described in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People book, there are four judgments: criticism, labeling, diagnosing, and praising. We criticize (“You are no good at helping me”), label (“You are a jerk”), diagnose (“Stop being rude because you don’t get what you want”), and praise (“You are the sweetest person for doing that”). Each judgment has its own problems too deep to described in this article.

14. Send Solutions

To the wise, life is a problem; to the fool, a solution.Marcus Aurelius

It is counterintuitive that solutions kill relationships. After all, don’t solutions cure problems? More often than not in relationships, solutions create problems. We feel inferior being controlled. The problem-solver often overlooks the real issue. Solutions are usually manifestations of other dumb relationship mistakes like blame, gossip, trying to change people, and sticking to one’s point of view.

15. Avoid Other’s Concerns

The smallest pain in our little finger gives us more concern than the destruction of millions of our fellow beings.William Hazlitt

The most frequent dumb mistake people make in a relationship is avoiding their partner’s concerns. Look at any bad relationship and each person will tell you their needs are not being met. They are not being listened to, understood, cared for, loved, whatever. Good communication is the key to overcoming these problems and meeting each other’s needs.

There you have 15 mistakes people frequently make in their relationships. Follow this advice then hopefully the next time you ask someone your mistakes in the relationship, no walls break because no walls exist.

(If you are reading this and want to eliminate the communication mistakes that hurt your relationships, read my Communication Secrets of Powerful People book to discover the 12 barriers of communication. All the dumb relationship mistakes can be avoided when you understand the 12 barriers.)

Principles do not change. Water is two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom – this will not change. The North poles of two magnets repel – this will not change. Gravity rips you down to Earth – this will not change. The unchanging laws of science are parallel to the unchanging principles and laws of communication to deal with difficult people.

If you have a difficult person in your life, you may think he or she is impossible to deal with, yet the person is not an impenetrable rock. It’s human! And humans follow laws of psychology and behavior you can benefit from. This article will provide you with judo-like principles to convert seemingly impossible forces of a difficult person into tips to effectively deal with them.

The world is filled with stubborn people. The difficult and not so difficult people even think you can be difficult. Learn the following tips (taken from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program) to deal with difficult people in your everyday life:

4 Common Methods that Do Not Work

Sending solutions. Common phrases that indicate solving include: “What if you…” “Stop doing… and start…” and “Why don’t you…” Telling people what to do does not work. Solutions are the problem. The more you push solutions on people, the more they pull away from you and your suggestion. Real solutions, commitment, and desire for change come from participation.

Moralizing. Common phrases that indicate moralizing include: “You should….” “It would be good for you to…” and “Stop doing wrong…” Chapter eight of my program defines moralizing words as “using what is right and wrong, good and bad, black and white to further your logic.” Manipulation from guilt and other emotions that arise from moral words do not change difficult people yet alone anyone.

Complaints. “I wish Bill wasn’t so damn annoying.” Bickering is mental masturbation. Creation comes from being proactive. If you complain, you’re the difficult person. You become no better than the person you try to change.

Criticism. People criticize to build change. “I’m results-focused. I criticize people to get things done.” Similar lines of thinking drive the 12 communication barriers (criticism, labeling, diagnosing, praise, orders, threats, questions, moralizing, advice, reason, reassurance, and deflecting). Avoid criticism because it is not charismatic persuasion. Criticism intensifies conflict. Criticized individuals feel diminished, unworthy, and less important.

10 Principles and Tips to Deal with a Difficult Person

The following principles and tips are not short-term tricks to transform an annoying person. Endless articles shared on the Internet provide frivolous advice on this topic. When the core problem is addressed, however, colds get skipped and the cancer is cut out. Advice shared here gets to the core of what really matters when dealing with a difficult person.

1. You see the world as you are. Stephanie Rosenbloom for The New York Times hit the heart of difficult people; or rather the people who think someone is difficult. Rosenbloom says the issue “is not the difficult people themselves. It is you.”

Problems transmute from your perception, then your reaction.

Most articles that provide tips to deal with difficult people focus on difficult individuals (“They’re the problem”); hence they miss the real problem (“You’re part of the problem”). You play a role in a difficult person’s behavior. Problems transmute from your perception, then your reaction. Carl Jung said we repress our hated characteristics, which manifest in discomfort around people we repulse. Jungian psychoanalyst Edward Whitmont writes:

Ask someone to give a description of the personality type which he finds most despicable, most unbearable and hateful, and most impossible to get along with, and he will produce a description of his own repressed characteristics – a self-description which is utterly unconscious and which therefore always and everywhere tortures him as he receives its effect from the other person. These very qualities are so unacceptable to him precisely because they represent his own repressed side; only that which he cannot accept without ourselves do we find impossible to live with in others.

What characteristics in people do you hate most? What do these characteristics say about you? Who does not find the person difficult? What can you learn from the person who does not find the person hard to face?

A chronically difficult person is rare. Your self-image makes people difficult. I strongly encourage you to notice as often as possible what you deny in yourself because this could be a repressed image, a shadow you see in others, that you have ignored in the past. “In the end,” says Rosenbloom, “the specialists say, we cannot control other people, only our response to them.” (The first chapter of my Big Talk training course taps into this deep, dark psychological theory that stops us from enjoyable conversation. When you connect with your full self, it becomes easy to connect with people and make friends. This is cutting-edge material you can discover more about here.)

2. Lose the need to be right. When you enter a conversation with the intent to fix someone, you become difficult. Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says you must open yourself to be influenced to influence. Quit thinking you are right because this drives your resistance to be changed and change people.

3. Clear your heart, open your mind. Too often our experiences with people hurt our current conversations with them. It takes time for someone in your negative light to shift under a positive spotlight even when the person hasn’t been difficult for a while.

Forgive to clean your heart then keep an open mind as to why someone is difficult. Stop hopping to conclusions by portraying the problem as the person’s difficulty. You blockade truth with judgments and fear of self-analysis.

Perhaps you are the problem, their father was diagnosed with cancer, or they are in financial trouble. Acknowledge that you do not – and will never – know all reasons why someone is difficult. An open mind that welcomes a person’s point of view to enter possible explanations for their behavior creates a cushion to soften harsh judgments.

Listen to the difficult person and let them express their point of view. It will help you see why they are difficult. This tip alone can be enough to deal with the person as you see the reason for their behavior. Listen honestly and actively with empathy.

4. Want difficult people. It’s scary, but wanting a bothersome person helps you. Difficult people create conflict – and this creates change. An organism with no challenge has no reason to evolve. Difficulties challenge you, compelling you to evolve into a superior being.

Does this mean you can be difficult? No. There is people who find you difficult enough. The diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through difficulties.

5. Be proactive, not reactive. Reactive persons blame circumstances for their reality. They reciprocate bad behavior. They reason other people need to change.

The diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through difficulties.

Proactive persons create what they want regardless of constricting circumstances. Create a value in yourself to be proactive and treat people with respect. Once you stop reciprocating bad behavior, you feel proud, empowered, and in control of your life regardless of whether you successfully handle the situation. Make the fundamental decision to commit to the advice given in this article.

6. Be responsible, not a victim. Don’t blame people for how they make you feel. The degree you’re a victim of someone’s behavior controls the impact it has on you.

Take responsibility for how you feel. Prevent people from entering and exiting your emotional state at will. Eliminate blame to free yourself from a person’s difficult behavior.

You don’t have to be burdened by people’s problems. You will work towards a solution faster and be less emotionally exasperated when you lose the victim mentality and stop thinking people are villains. My friend Gary Harper has a good article on this where he also discusses similar principles to this article.

7. Be problem-oriented, not person-oriented. Difficult people have a difficult problem and are trying to fulfill a need the only way they know possible. It seems elusive, but even they want to live in harmony.

People are not the problem. Focus on the problem and not the person. A helpful tip for this is to disassociate the problem from the person. Their behavior, even you, or something else is the problem.

8. Find the unmet need. Difficult people have an unmet need. Whether somebody is angry, unhappy, depressed, loud, or anxious, they try to fulfill a need – though it is often done poorly. Notice a hidden need beneath someone’s difficult behavior, and you will see another human being. This will allow you to compassionately communicate. The Nonviolent Communication Process is a model that gets you focused on, and fulfilling, other people’s needs and your own.

9. Be interdependent. Dependency is unhealthy. To overcome this, self-help experts teach independence. According to most people, independence is health, freedom, and power. By itself, nothing could be further from the truth.

According to Robert Greene, author of 48 Laws of Power, a powerful individual living in isolation destroys his power. John O’Neil in The Paradox of Success confirms Greene’s remarks. O’Neil says leaders and other individuals in powerful positions destroy their success and happiness with overt independence. Such persons do it all, have chronic obsessions with work and difficulties getting their mind off work, and easily become irritated by others who disagree with their decision-making.

A powerful communicator knows how to distribute decision-making for freedom. He or she knows how to seek help because the person is not afraid to admit failure and learn. This is the interdependent standpoint you need beyond solitude. “When we try to pick out anything by itself,” said famed conservationist John Muir, “we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.”

Use other people to help solves problems. It sounds simple because it is. Talk to a parent, manager, or human resource department. People bring knowledge, skills, and persuasive power to handle a difficult person. Be beware of risks associated with making a private problem public. It’s your responsibility to respect a person’s privacy concerns and at the same time request another’s help when necessary.

10. Be detached from an outcome.

If the above tips and principles fail you, it’s not because they don’t work – it’s because you disobeyed them. The principles and tips given to you cannot fail because they are the foundations for good communication.

When you attach to an outcome, your rigidity causes resistance.

If you lose the need to be right while remaining proactive, for example, you deal with the difficult person. Stop thinking the only way to deal with a difficult person is to change them, such desire only makes you difficult.

When you attach to an outcome by seeking a specific result from an interaction at all costs, your rigidity causes resistance. The most common outcome people attach to when they converse with a difficult person is their need to be right and change the person (principle #2). Going into a conversation with the righteous intent to change a person guarantees failure. You must detach from an outcome.

If the principles and tips do not bring you the result you’re after, prepare to walk away. Give the people involved space to think the problems through. By doing this, you clear your heart and open your mind, remain proactive, and keep problem-oriented. A tough issue can be solved at a later time. Another day can bring different possibilities. Emotions, thoughts, and attitudes change.

Unsuccessful conflict resolution with a difficult person can escalate the problem, but adhere to these principles and tips to deal with a difficult person to make the difficult more manageable. “Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen,” said Friedrich Nietzsche, “few in pursuit of the goal.”

(If you are reading this and found the above principles and tips to deal with difficult people helpful, you will enjoy my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” where the principles for this article were extracted. Click here to learn more about the program and how you can develop your communication skills to charismatically have cold-hearted persons wanting to change. Also discover more about Big Talk, my training course that lets two persons openly and freely talk with one another, by clicking here.)

“Hang out the washing”, “Stop moping around and cheer up”, “Fix what you broke”, “You need to improve your skills with customers”, “Get a new attitude”, “Obey your mother and father”. There are four reasons why such statements kill your relationships.

4 Reasons We Hate Receiving Solutions

The most common communication barrier people use to send solutions is advice. We give advice to help a person or to get things done, yet the outcome is destruction. Whether you are a child or parent, brother or sister, employee or manager, we hate receiving advice and being told what to do for four reasons:

1) Loss of control. The other person takes the reigns of our life as they control what we do. No one likes being controlled – it impedes freedom. To be in control of one’s life is a fundamental human need. Psychologists say the more you are in control of your life, the happier you will be.

If you get controlled, you respond with rebellion. Humans seek to reestablish freedom by engaging in a threatened behavior. You may refuse to carry out the order, do the task poorly, procrastinate, or blame others for the task not being completed. Your response to being controlled is natural human behavior, unhealthy for relationships. Rebellious behaviors pull apart cooperation – the fabric that binds a peaceful relationship.

Humans seek to reestablish freedom by engaging in a threatened behavior.

An insurgent individual causes the person giving advice to continue giving solutions because no change has occurred. This furthers defiance. The problem is not the nonconforming person, but the stubborn person blind enough to continue control. “They just keep doing the same goddamn thing that doesn’t work and worsens and perpetuates the problem,” says Robert Fisch, author of Brief Therapy with Intimidating Cases: Changing the Unchangeable. “What people are doing is ‘common sense’ to them. People say ‘it’s the only thing to do.’” We need to stop attempted ways of changing people that fail to work.

2) Feelings of inferiority. A side-effect of being controlled is feeling inferior. We feel like a lesser person when we lose control of ourselves. Solutions and advice prevent people from feeling good about themselves and developing a healthy self-esteem.

We seek to feel important. To make a man hate you, simply take away what makes him feel good about himself. Tell him what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. You will have yourself a lifeless human doing, not a human being.

3) The problem is not obvious. Humans are complex creatures. Even our simple processes are complex. Has someone given you advice on a serious emotional problem? The person tried to help you, but you became frustrated because he or she “just didn’t get it”.

Chances are you remained the same. You probably rebelled against the person to regain freedom. As a result, things got worse. You became angry, silent, or defensive. Perhaps the person then tried even harder to assert their way of thinking was right. This only pushed you further from where they wanted you to be. They failed to understand what you were going through. I know, I’ve been there.

Advice subtly communicates the solution to your problem is obvious. It communicates you must be stupid, incompetent, and inferior to overlook the solution. Aeschylus, an ancient Greek playwright in 500 BC, said, “It is an easy thing for one whose foot is on the outside of calamity to give advice and to rebuke the sufferer.”

When tempted to send a solution to someone, remind yourself you do not know the whole story. Even when you think you know the truth, you probably know on-side of the story – your story. Why? This leads us to the fourth reason people hate receiving solutions from others.

4) People are oblivious to the truth. Human behavior and everything we experience is like an iceberg. An iceberg’s visible tip is 10% of the entire iceberg because the ice’s density is less than the sea water’s density. The remaining 90% of the iceberg is below the water’s surface, not visible to the common eye. How the 90% of the iceberg is shaped cannot be determined by looking at the iceberg’s tip.

When tempted to send a solution to someone, remind yourself you do not know the whole story.

Our likeness to an iceberg is a double-edged sword. On one side, most people never concern themselves with understanding the 90% of a person or story difficult to see upfront. They prefer to focus on themselves, stick with what they know, and never seek to fully understand people. We don’t follow or become inspired to change by someone that doesn’t understand us.

On the other side of the iceberg of human behavior is tremendous potential for you to connect with people in a way they have likely yet to experience. People’s poor ability to understand others stores further energetic potential to have them connect with you. When someone hides what matters to them from fear of being told what to do, your understanding through empathetic communication shines a light to open them up.

It is unfortunate few people know these secrets of communication. That is why they are secrets. Most people try to make knock-out blows by giving advice, criticism, and other communication barriers. They hope to change people and their relationships through solutions, yet all this does is make people hate them and resist change.

What I have discussed here is only the first of five solving barriers you use almost everyday in your communication. This is not even 1% of information I share in my communication secrets program that teaches you how to become a charismatically persuasive people magnet. There is more to the advising barrier, four other solving barriers, and an additional seven judging and avoiding barriers you use to kill relationships, reduce your persuasive power, and decrease your charisma.

If any of this resonates a message in your life, you’re sick of misunderstanding people, and you’re tired of people resisting your helpful advice, and you want to know the true way to change people, I encourage you to learn about my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program here.

Let’s say the problem is being overweight. You have 20 pounds you want to drop. The extra weight makes you feel bad and not look your best. This motivates you to lose weight. You build the willpower and determination to drop a few pounds to feel good again and improve your looks.

Through determination to solve your weight problem, two weeks later you jump on the scales to discover you are nine pounds lighter. You are ecstatic! The mental tension about your weight eases. You feel more comfortable with your body. Your willpower drained a lot from you so you return to old habits.

One month passes since your weight loss accomplishment. The nine pounds finds itself back on your stomach. It feels too difficult to maintain a strict diet and exercise regime. You call yourself “weak” and “pathetic” and feel guilty about your inability to change. You feel helpless in forever creating a permanent solution to your weight loss problem.

Dynamics in the weight loss scenario are everywhere in your life. Common examples include: managing anger, but we still blow up; quitting smoking, but we still smoke; getting a new job, but we remain in the old one; starting a new healthy relationship, but we remain in a destructive relationship; communicating more effectively, but we don’t communicate effectively and remain true to our ourselves. Why is this?

The Problem: The Tension-Resolution Model

Robert Fritz in his book The Path of Least Resistance: Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life says we fail to change ourselves when we problem solve. That’s right! Problem solving is responsible for, well, not solving the problem.

Problem solvers feel victimized for not receiving what they want. They feel miserable and depressed, blaming circumstances for their reality. Circumstances clinch them by the throat to direct what they do.

Fritz says we fail to change when we try to solve our problems because mental and emotional oscillation occurs between tension and resolution. One moment the pain creates tension. You could be sick of loneliness and really want a hot chick who has a great personality. The tension pushes you to improve your dating skills and better your life to attract such a girl. You may get a phone number or even a girlfriend. The tension dissipates – as does your efforts to improve your life. Eventually, you stop doing what worked to attract her. The attraction disappears and you fight with each other more, which causes the two of you to break up.

We try to make something go away rather than create what we want.

The tension-resolution model describes tension as the problem. As the tension builds, you feel compelled to solve the problem. The intensity of the problem lessens as does the tension when you problem solve. You have less motivation to keep the problem at bay. The end result: the unwanted behavior returns!

Old habits reenter our lives because we problem solve instead of changing the underlying structure. Fritz says to solve a problem means to remove something – the problem. We try to remove anger, smoking, swearing, complaining, blaming, loneliness, and laziness. Weight is regained because you did not want the 20 pounds. You lost your girlfriend because you feared loneliness. You try make something go away rather than create what you want. Your reactive nature to problems keeps you stuck in trouble. Problem solving can only make something go away – and it does a poor job at that.

Problem Solving Hurts Your Relationships

Problem solving does not create what you want in relationship communication and persuasion. We try to change people by expressing our frustration or “having a talk” to build tension. They temporarily change to reduce the tension but quickly revert to old patterns. Sending people solutions makes them resist what you try to create!

One third of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program is about effectively creating solutions in others. We desperately try to change people by criticizing, ordering, threatening, questioning, or advising, but this creates a tension-resolution dynamic to prevent change. You can pain someone into changing, but if they don’t have the underlying structure to change, they will not change. (If you are interested in being a charismatic individual that changes people’s minds, I encourage you to get the program by clicking here.)

The Path of Least Resistance

If you have visited Boston, the crazy road structure probably befuddled you. It appears Boston had no planning in their road infrastructure. Rumors say that Boston’s road structure is based on seventeenth-century cow paths. When cows walked the land, they walked paths that provided the least resistance. Step-by-step the cows choose what was easiest to them.

Dirt paths developed overtime, reaffirming these paths to be the easiest direction of travel. When humans populated the lands and began constructing roads, they followed the cows. Settlers paved the dirt roads because it was easiest to work with paths created by cows. The problem though is the cows followed their path of least resistance rather than create paths optimal for human travel. Boston’s roads are now meandering structures confusing to its travelers.

William Fowler, director of the Massachusetts Historical Society, says Boston’s road paths were not founded on cow paths. The example, nonetheless, serves its purpose to explain human behavior: energy flows along the path of least resistance.

In physics, objects travel through a system following the path of least resistance. Like water in the Amazon river, our energy flows along the easiest path. Like wind blowing through the Grand Canyon, our energy flows along the easiest path. Like pedestrians walking along a busy New York street, our energy flows along the easiest path.

Energy flows along the path of least resistance.

Laziness is human nature. Our innate desire pushes for easier ways to do activities. Does this mean we secretly desire to sloth in front of the television while eating a bag of Doritos and sipping our favorite beer? Of course not. What it means is we take the easiest path to get where we want to go. Our energy flows along the path that provides minimal resistance. Fritz says, “You got to where you are in your life right now by moving along the path of least resistance.”

Why Self-Help and the Law of Attraction Suck

We fight the path of least resistance by using techniques like willpower, affirmations, and positive-thinking. We use these self-help techniques to motivate change, but attempts to problem-solve fail to create a solution.

The problem with traditional self-help does not stop there. The messages sent through affirmations, willpower, and positive-thinking create the opposite effect to your desired outcome! The techniques create a paradoxical effect of no change. The subtle messages communicated from traditional self-help skills is that “I lie to myself because I find it difficult to change”.

You can see this by analyzing intention manifestation, the law of attraction, metaphysics, and similar principles that publicly took off when The Secret hit Oprah. According to these areas of study, if you continually reaffirm what you want and stay true to the universe, the universe manifests your dreams.

The structure of new age fields of thought ironically cause people to not change. If you truly believe something, you do not reaffirm it to yourself. You do not rise in the morning to spend 15-minutes chanting affirmations that the universe will create want you want if you believe you’ll get it. The unconscious messages sent through willpower and positive-thinking say you will not change or find it difficult to change because you need the techniques to manipulate your subconscious mind.

Dr. Maxwell Maltz in The New Psycho-cybernetics emphasizes that willpower does not create change. Techniques that consume willpower stem from internal friction burning limited energy on fruitless efforts. Energy that could get your goals is wasted. You need to channel valuable willpower and determination into choices and decisions that get your desired future.

How to Create a Permanent Solution – The Secret to Lasting Change

A radical shift in choice towards fulfilling what you want leads to permanent change. In terms of managing anger, for example, if you make the fundamental choice that governs your behavior to be a calm person by safely expressing anger, you do not fight your anger by trying to resolve it; rather, you change the structure of your anger to create a new behavior that brings what you want. Situations that test your anger lead you to create results and processes aligned with your fundamental choice and desired outcome.

People subject themselves to their circumstances by living in a respond-react environment. Fritz put it nicely when he said problem solving “subjects you to the whims of circumstances” (seen in situations where people expect things to be a certain way in order to make them happy). In problem solving, you wander (and wonder) through life’s maze where your environment is the walls. Your environment dictates where you go.

Permanent change in human behavior does not arise from problem solving where you rest at the helm of life’s circumstances. Lasting change comes from a new underlying structure of your being that guides life. Instead of fighting change, you become the change because it is your new path of least resistance. It becomes easier for you to do what you want and move towards your goals than doing otherwise.

Lasting change comes from a new underlying structure of your being that guides life.

Until a fundamental choice of good health is made, one cannot be truly healthy. Individuals in psychotherapy who fail to make an authentic fundamental choice of good health remain the way they are. They stick to old patterns of unhealthy behavior. Some are even addicted to their challenges – without their problems, their identity is void. They may say they want to change, but deep down they want their challenges because they fulfill a need. They fail to choose an empowering vision or try to solve a problem instead of changing the underlying structure of their life.

Fritz emphasizes that the real solution to change is knowing your present reality and possessing a clear vision of what you want. This means knowing exactly where you are and where you want to go without delusion. Once you define what you want and understand your present reality, you feel freedom. You become at ease with yourself. A new structure directs your energy to effortlessly create what you want.

The greatest problem people have when defining what they want is they define what they do not want. “I don’t want to be lonely”, “I don’t want to blow up at my kids”, “I don’t want to lose my temper”, “I don’t want to be fat”, and “I don’t want to be unhealthy”. Knowing you do not want to travel to New York for a holiday does not help you go on holidays. How are you suppose to arrive at your destination if it is unknown?

An awareness of what you want allows your creative mind to compose processes that manifest your desired solution.

Artists are excellent models to follow because they create a solution and know the end result. An artist stares at a blank canvas ready to start a new project. If he paints without a vision of the end result, he will not know when the painting is complete. He will feel unfilled and demotivated as the painting continues because he responds and reacts to the present moment of painting. If he knows what he wants, he will paint to achieve his vision. He will create a painting that fulfills his desires and know when the painting is complete. He does not seek external validation for his painting because the satisfaction is internal knowing the painting matches his vision.

Artists are not all spontaneous. Creativity is not always analogous with spontaneity. The best way to create comes through knowing what you want. An awareness of what you want allows your creative mind to compose processes that manifest your desired solution.

Putting It All Together

Here is an example of something I struggled with that touches on everything discussed. Though I learned communication skills for years and used bits here and there, I never fully changed my behavior. I tried so desperately to communicate well by using willpower, positive-thinking, and determination, yet I reverted to old habits. My energy flowed along the path of least resistance of poor communication. It was harder for me to effectively communicate than poorly communicate.

Sometimes I would solve the problem, but I was merely making something go away; I was not creating what I wanted. What I wanted was being ignored in favor of removing what I did not want. Other times, the “change” was temporary. I tried to solve my problem of poor communication instead of changing my underlying structure that would create permanent change.

As I discuss in my communication secrets program, I was resisting what I did not want, which created a persistent problem. There was the tension-resolution dynamic. Sometimes I changed. This decreased the intensity of the problem, but then so did the tension and my effort to communicate well. My willpower was burned so I let problems be – after all, interpersonal problems began to resolve. Tension would eventually increase again as the cycle started over.

I solved this by analyzing my current reality, where I was in my communication, and its affects on me. Next, I developed a crystal clear vision of what I wanted then made the choice to have it. When I made the fundamental choice to be true to myself, to communicate effectively (not “to avoid bad communication”), permanent change took place. My identity and life orientation changed to be one who uses effective communication.

Today I do not exert willpower to communicate effectively – though I need to remember my vision and remind myself what I want. I effectively communicate with minimal effort. My new structure has changed my life orientation.

You and I always gravitate to the processes aligned with our fundamental choices. You still need to learn the “how” of what you want, but that comes naturally once you follow this decision path.

Analyze your current reality. Next, think of what you exactly want. Have a pure vision of your desired reality. Write it down on several sheets of paper. You can make what you want clear by writing it in detail on several pages (I have a 10-page document that describes my perfect day). Lastly, make the fundamental choice to get what you want – and mean it. These are the foundations of lasting change.

When you follow this plan to change your structure, you create permanent change. People, information, and other processes seem to magically drop into place. It becomes easy for you to create what you want. Your energy flows along this new path of least resistance.

You are the creative force in your life. It’s time to live how you want.