Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills – and What to Do About It
Logical Strength and Emotional Weakness
Intelligent people seem to think they are stronger than their emotions. They seem to think they can suppress or ignore uncomfortable emotions. Goleman says that it is our fears, anxieties, anger, and emotions in general that guide our everyday lives. Goleman says, “Even the most academically brilliant among us are vulnerable to being undone by unruly emotions.”
I don’t advocate psychotic behavior or annoying people as you release your “bad emotions” and get them “out of your system”, but I do encourage people to constructively purge their emotions. For people like Michael in our example, the problem is in their logic that emotions can be supressed. They see pain as a sign of weakness. The thought of not being able to solve a problem causes smart people to avoid the issue.
When intelligent people cannot resolve an issue, they complain and blame others for the outcome. Their knowledge and past experience in solving problems causes them to look beyond themselves to explain why the problem remains. Even when they blame outsiders, a smart person may conclude that because they have an unsolved problem, it cannot be solved or it is not worth the effort to solve.
Pat Wagner from Pattern Research, a Colorado company that provides organisations with a diverse range of communication development programs, says smart people tend to convert their self-diagnosed failings into virtues. They use their intellect to convert emotional weaknesses into strengths. Wagner terms them as smart flaws.
One particular smart flaw I used that Wagner mentioned was not starting a conversation because it would be a waste of time. The real reason I didn’t start a conversation was my fear. I was scared ****less. Now I am more aware of my most common smart flaws, I stop myself in my tracks when I use them then identify the real reason why I’m rationalizing about my behavior. Whenever I do not talk to someone because “it is a waste of time”, I now realize it could be because I am not dealing with my emotions. I maybe hiding: the fear of talking to strangers, feelings of unhappiness, or the anxiety that I will be boring.
Another emotional weakness that smart people have – particularly guys when they want to approach a woman – is fear. “A smart guy’s strength is his mind,” says David DeAngelo, a dating coach for men. “His weakness is often his emotions. Smart guys are often immobilized by fear.”
Women wonder why men struggle to approach and talk to them when a woman sends obvious signals for him to approach. When a guy wants to chat with an attractive woman, his analytical mind switches on. A million thoughts, scenarios, and potential problems race through his head. It becomes a psychological war.
The guy’s mind has served him very well in the past to get him where he is today. Ancestrally speaking, he has identified predators, threats, and dangers to protect himself and his tribe. The analytical mind has its purpose.
However, the problem for intelligent people who think a lot is they think a lot! They tend to plan everything before taking action, which causes them to lose spontaneity. Such behavior may result in neediness, validation, and indecisiveness.
In social situations, over-analysing is a killer mistake. Intelligent people may try to mind-read people in conversations. They micro-manage their interactions based on analytical feedback, which drives their fear and uncertainty in conversations.
The next time you catch yourself micro-managing your conversations and worrying what the other person thinks, remember the other person is likely to be more concerned with what you think about them. Remind yourself that you cannot mind-read – and trying to do so only creates anxiety. Live in the moment more often and you will notice people naturally attract to you.
A few last points I want to make on logical strength and emotional weakness deal with conversation. We hunger for emotionally connected conversations. We love drama, fun, and controversy. Facts, logic, and technical subjects are often boring and too complex. The emotional side of conversations engages people. Academically intelligent people may focus too much on logical topics. Women are especially interested in any type of drama. Watch their eyes light up when you talk about the latest celebrity fashion stuff ups and other popular dramas.
Another emotional weakness, in addition to the subject of conversations, is the vocabulary used. Academics often use technical vocabulary to prove their intelligence – a killer of rapport. Simple, duh-duh, language is more effective than technical linguistics and non-methodologically circumstantial language that homosapiens find distateful. The same goes for writing to keep people interested. I try to write in a casual way – similar to how a conversation goes; not technical stuff, things, and other types of stuff, you know? This last reason is why so many great findings in academic journals go hidden for years. The general public cannot be bothered reading through jargon.
On that last point of being too technical for people, something that may interest you is how some people write emails to me. I teach communication, but that does not mean being technical, using complex vocabulary, and trying to be intelligent helps build rapport. You can tell the difference. Here’s one example of a technical email I received last week: “Dear Joshua. Allow me to extend my formal gratitude in your beautiful array of teachings…” The intent behind such emails is great. The problem when you speak in jargon is the person you talk or write to does not feel connected with you. Lots of organisations are hopeless in this when handling complaints.
Let’s compare that previous example of an email with this other example: “Hey Joshua. Thanks heaps for the articles. I’ve learned that… You’ve helped me improve my relationship with my partner because…” Can you sense the difference? The last example is more friendly, but not overly casual. The person in the first example who appears intelligent does not “connect” because they are too technical. Even if you are intelligent and have a complex vocabulary, you need to use terminology the other person uses if you want to build rapport. Do not try and prove your intelligence. We are interested in improving your communication skill, not boosting your ego.
Equating Intelligence to Social Skills
Take a moment to imagine you have travelled back in time to the Stone Age with a really smart friend. You and your friend arrive at a dangerous landscape. Both of you are amongst a tribe when two ferocious sabre-toothed tigers approach. What do you choose: 1) Do you get help from your intelligent friend? or 2) Do you rely on tribe members half intelligent as your friend, but you know they have been able to survive and adapt to their environment for years?
Our trip in time to the Stone Age shows us that intelligence does not equate to survival and other important skills. Stone Age dwellers were far from the intelligence people have today. I remember hearing a strange statistic that the decisions we make when reading a newspaper (such as skimming sections, understanding an article, and selecting what to read) in just one day, exceeds the total decisions made by people from prehistoric times in their lifetime.
Intelligent people must acknowledge their expertise is limited. They are not an expert in everything. Their intelligence does not equate to effective communication skills. A person from the Stone Age is sure to teach you something. Instead of being right, concede that you do not know everything about communication. Find the first steps you need to take to develop expertise in an area of your interest – even from someone of less intelligence. If you are interested in becoming charismatic, find what you need to do first then continue to discover what next.
Smart People Don’t Seek Help
What happens to intelligent people who struggle in their social life? They keep quite. Intelligent people are habituated in solving problems, being an expert, and logically working things out by themselves that they refuse to ask others for help. They illogically freeze themselves with fear and uncertainty than ask someone about social skills. There are several interesting reasons for this rationalization.
Not in all cases, but smart people look down on less intelligent people. Less intelligent people may possess better social skills than the more intelligent individuals, but there is “no way” an intelligent person can ask someone less intelligent for help. It is lowering, demeaning, and a sign of weakness to seek help – especially from someone with less intelligence.
People of less intelligence than you are not inferior. Their friends are not weird or immature. These are smart flaws. You can learn from someone with an IQ of 60. Accept it. You will be more desirable when humbling yourself.
Boost Your EQ
Follow this short cheat-sheet to boost your emotional intelligence and become better with people:
- Think emotions, not logic. Humans are emotional creatures. Putting emotions in your limelight enables you to deal with them.
- Focus on people’s needs. That is how you manage emotional situations and persuade people.
- Withhold advice. Give a listening ear instead.
- Compliment people. Praise makes people feel great and like you more.
- Develop self-awareness. Tune into anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, and joy.
- Accept your emotions. Stop beating yourself up over certain emotions.
When helping an intelligent person improve their communication, it is good to point out that their expertise will improve when working on their communication skills. Dale Carnegie talks about appealing to those characteristics you want in others to create those characteristics. Intelligent people know they are smart. One such statement in appealing to those good characteristics for changing the intelligent person’s behavior would go along the lines of, “You and I know you’re an intelligent person and improving your communication is another way of showing people your intelligence, expertise, and good skill-set.”
Another explanation for describing why smart people do not get help, and a reason I use to avoid asking others for help in developing my people skills, is that social skills are assumed to be natural. People skills can be a laughable skill to develop. If you need to develop your people skills, you could be labeled as a “loser”. Intelligent people cannot risk humiliation when they ask for help. They need to maintain their feelings of importance.
It is easy to talk about the necessity of seeking help, but doing it is different. No individual on their own can gather the necessary life skills to overcome personal problems and succeed. We all have different natural abilities and experiences, hence we require varying degrees of help. There is no shame in seeking help; only shame in not seeking help.
Someone with less intelligence than you does not mean you cannot learn from them. In the areas of life I consider myself knowledgeable, I sometimes catch myself thinking that someone with less intelligence – or even less skill – than me in that area, cannot teach me something. I need to constantly remind myself that there is no shame in asking others for help and that I can learn something from anybody.
Once I remove my ego and pride, I actually find myself happier and more knowledgeable than I was before. Doing so proves your expertise more than stubbornness. People will be attracted to you when you are not obsessed with being right. Besides, asking them for their advice is sure to make them feel important and increase your personal magnetism. You do not need to play dumb, but not showing off your intelligence to feel superior wins you friends because we hate feeling inferior to people. Arthur Schopenhauer said:
“It is a real recommendation to be stupid. For just as warmth is agreeable to the body, so it does the mind good to feel its superiority; and a man will seek company likely to give him this feeling, as instinctively as he will approach the fireplace or walk in the sun if he wants to get warm. But this means that he will be disliked on account of his superiority; and if a man is to be liked, he must really be inferior in point of intellect.”
There a millions of lessons waiting to be discovered by you in conversations. You just need to drop your ego to see them. Do not let your ego blind you from the many lessons humanity has for you.
I hope the article has provided you with some deep insight whether you are an intelligent person or know of someone who is intelligent that lacks good communication skills. While intelligence is certainly beneficial to succeed in today’s society, effective communication skills will have you better relating to fellow humans. Intelligence is something you can do without, but you cannot do without people.
(I have reposted people’s comments from an older version of the article below.)
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Update: What Christmas present did you get for yourself? You can tell me ;-) None for me this year.
Thanks for this great information. it seems really powerful.
Wonderful article…you hit the nail on the head about so many things. This article helped me identify mistakes I’ve been making in my communication and in my attitude towards people for years.
Your article is true and to the point. It helped me understand myself more. In addition, my workplace (a Junior College), is littered with intelligent people who have little or NO social skills. They also know how to mis-communicate very well… it is bad, very bad. They have no use for people’s emotions, and I long to retire.
Best..
Cap
Hi Joshua, this is one of the most interesting articles I have ever read. It has very profound facts derived from research and that’s good work. I agree with you that at later years of life one needs more of social skills than intelligence. Also, I am happy to know that I can learn something from anyone whether they are intelligent or not.
You are doing good work and please help us “intelligent” people to appreciate social and communication skills.
God Bless you.
Dear Joshua,
Thanks so much for sending me this article. It is logical that most intelligent people have poor communication skills since they seldom relate with others except their own kind. And so, their problem solving is often on the rational level and not on the experiential. They cannot speak all what are in their minds because their mental processing is too fast that it difficult to grasp all at one time.
I enjoyed reading your article. It is fortunate that I am in the field of applied social science and at times, there are technical people who come to me for help on conveying their research findings in a manner understandable to ordinary people in affected communities. Despite that, I learned much from your article.
More power to you and congratulations for this article. I know that you are being used by God for others to learn.
Tess
Hi Josh, would you think that having good communication skills has a greater advantage than having a higher than average IQ?
Hi Joshua, great work you made my day, l had to read it out to my fellow workers who are having problems here, l now realise why less intelligent people get promotion more than us who are smart!!
Thanks a billion, no a trillion!!!
I don’t think all intelligent people look down on others as inferior. Sometimes they just do not know where to begin since they are only taught to excel. Maybe with such articles, there will be a remarkable improvement in the social life of intelligent people. Let us just try to be there for them and not cast them to hell like it is of their own making to be very intelligent. Also, please forward the article to as many people as possible.
Thank you Joshua
Thank you, that was a great article. I found a lot of useful information for myself and I think many others will as well. One thought though – who is actually “intelligent” and by whose standards? I think to make your point more understandable it helped to label some as “intelligent people”, but IQ tests and academic achievement alone don’t always prove that so-called “intelligent people” are more logically proficient than “less intelligent people”. We all possess different skills of different magnitudes and nobody owns an intellotometer that I know of. If you are able to use your brain to manipulate, motivate, and inspire others, isn’t that a sign of “intelligence”?
I really liked the article, but I have my own personal struggle with how people label one another. It may seem pretentious, seeing that to distinguish one group from another you sometimes need labels, but I think the intelligent and unintelligent groups have a lot of overlap.
That’s why I liked the bit on “dropping the ego”. People shouldn’t always assume that they are more intelligent than another based on occupation, income, or schooling. Like you said, there are lots of lessons humanity has to offer, and assuming that oneself is more intelligent than another may lead to a predisposed attitude that doesn’t allow oneself to fully take in and appreciate all there is to be learned by someone, say… less than “intelligent”.
Thank you again for the article. There is no doubt that maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships is a key to success. Your mention of dropping the ego is a good reminder for me, not that I’m so egotisical, but we all need to remember that sometimes other people can make us better and smarter people.
Thanks guys for your insightful feedback. It’s always nice to hear everyone’s thoughts and experiences on the topics I write about.
Geoffery, I’m glad you found it that interesting!
Brian, yes. Not all intelligent people look down on those who are less intelligent. I’ve been guilty a tonne of times though. The inferiority complex can suck bad and make people be very judgmental of others. There’s constant comparing of people.
Niki, personally I think good communication skills will get you a lot further in many areas than just a high IQ. The intelligence quotient often just predicts educational achievement. Education doesn’t mean much on its own. Having said that, some people succeed in vocations like mathematics with a high IQ and poor communication. Generally, good communication and emotional skills will take you further. CEOs get hired for their intelligence and fired for their personality.
Get Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence if you’d like to learn more about IQ and interpersonal skills. Emotional Intelligence is a groundbreaking book that amplified the worldwide shift from IQ making or breaking your success to emotional intelligence
Robert Sternberg, a Yale University Professor of Psychology, has a book called Successful Intelligence: How Practical and Creative Intelligence Determine Success in Life. You’ll learn some good things by just reading the reviews on Amazon and what the book is about.
Here’s additional links that may be of further interest:
- The Importance of Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace
- Just For Youth… Is Intelligence the Most Important Factor for Success
Alex, yeah. I don’t have any definite “model” of what intelligence is. Many people have differing opinions. In the article I mostly referred to intelligence as academic performance. Thanks for your insightful comment.