What Women Want in Men
Alpha Males
In the animal kingdom, an alpha male is followed by its specie within a given geographical location. It is the dominant animal of the group. An animal that possesses an alpha status breeds abundantly.
An alpha animal has responsibilities. Males often try to take down the alpha male. The dominant creature must successfully fight challengers to keep its alpha status otherwise it will become an outcast or even die.
In the human world, alpha males get what they want with humor, confidence, composure, and a lack of need for people’s approval – without domineering behavior. They overrule fearful males in possession of low self-esteem. While jerks are not very different to nice guys deep down because they are easily intimidated, show insecurity, and put on a false front, nice guys lose out altogether in sucking up to women and collapsing in any situation. Jerks pummel invaders beyond necessary means while nice guys run away scared.
Like the animal kingdom, alpha males are challenged by other males in pursuit of alpha status. Fortunately, death isn’t associated with these challenges. Being challenged can make or break you, however. Women don’t want jerks who try to physically take down any guy that threatens the relationship. (You’ve probably seen these jealous, overprotective boyfriends try to dominant and be macho.) A true alpha male can walk-away from ego-headed jerks who pick a fight and come out of the situation stronger than before because of his confidence and humor.
Alpha males are territorial. If a threatening person invades their space, they defend themselves or leave the location. An alpha male is protective. He does not fight to prove his toughness, because he is tough in his own right, but he does protect people he cares for.
A strong male takes lead when a couple goes out to a movie or dinner. He chooses a movie or place to have dinner with his woman’s preference in consideration. He does not say, “I’m happy with whatever you want” or “I don’t care where we go”. He takes control without being controlling.
What I recommend you learn from this is to set a goal of developing alpha male qualities. You don’t need to be the macho leader of a group; rather, work on building qualities seen in alpha males. An alpha male has confidence, strong self-beliefs, and power in the relationships. He is assertive, takes the lead, knows what he wants, and isn’t afraid to get what he wants with integrity and honor. Women don’t necessarily want alpha males, but they do want a man with alpha qualities.
More Hidden Qualities Women Love in Men
A man women love is comfortable – no matter what. When a situation is against him, he comes out stronger. He does not require women’s or other guy’s approval. He has integrity and honesty, never degrading his values. He challenges her thoughts and behaviors as not being good enough for him. Other qualities I feel need emphasis follow:
Leadership and Status. A man’s status to a woman is a woman’s looks to a man. Higher status means the man is more able to obtain the necessary resources for surviving and thriving. The high school quarterback, the company CEO, and manager of a nightclub are positions traditionally attractive to women.
Fortunately, there are situations and skills outside of your career that will increase your status. Become more social. Make friends easier. Learn to speak in public. Make great female and male friends. These are few of the many ways to increase your leadership and status.
Cocky and Funny. The attractive man balances cockiness with humor. He teases women like a puppy playing with other puppies – it may appear serious to outsiders, but participants know its fun and they enjoy it. He is confident enough to play with people. Studies show that two people comfortable enough to playfully tease one another share a stronger relationship.
One example of cocky and funny can be noticing something unusual about a woman then busting her for it. Let’s say a woman is going out to a party you haven’t been invited to and she has a large bag (it doesn’t have to be really large). You can bust on her by smiling and saying, “That bag is huge! Do you have a bomb in there? Are you going to blow up the party? I’m glad I’m not going.” This example is funny, gives you the power, and shows no need for her approval.
The other day a lady complimented me on how good I looked. (I’m not actually that good looking. It’s just that I was teasing her and the only response she knew to feeling attraction is to be nice). A wuss would have reciprocated the compliment and let the situation fizzle down. I knew this was an opportunity to keep building the tension. I looked at her in a calm manner, said, “Thank you”, and made my eyes trace down her body. I saw her shoes, which were these strappy things with small heels. I then teased her by asking, “Did you make those shoes this morning with strings and some bamboo?” She laughed, loved it, and I loved it. It was confident, appropriate, cocky, and funny.
What Women Don’t Want
You can have a quality or two that women don’t want, but it helps to eliminate as many as possible for stronger attraction and happier relationships. Here are 10 qualities quick-fired that women don’t want in men:
- Bad hygiene
- Thin or overweight
- Heavy drinkers and smokers
- Unemployed
- Lack social intuition
- Fake feelings and poor emotional expression
- Afraid of people’s emotions
- Disease to please
- Low confidence and self-esteem
- Unaware of his wants
Ambition and Passion. Women want men that know their life purpose. Women want men to passionately pursue their life’s passion no matter what. Even when the woman complains about her man’s passion, deep down she wants him to not succumb to her complaint. A man willing to forgo his life purpose to pursue a woman is not what women want.
Truth. Women, like men, want someone authentic. Incongruent communication and behavior turns off either gender. Avoid dishonesty. Being truthful does not mean you approach a woman you like and tell her, “I want to get to know you because you’re beautiful” (that violates other qualities that women want, though it can work in some situations). It does mean being authentic to people and true to yourself. The truth will come out later regardless of your choice to be truthful so make it a virtue instead of a limitation. Truth and honesty is a core theory of my Big Talk training course that lets you quickly build relationships with anyone. (You can learn about my course so you can effortlessly talk to women – even if you’re scared of them – here.)
Chivalry. Another confusing desire of a woman for a man is chivalrous behavior, which defines courteous gestures towards women. Chivalry has never been – and never will be – dead. Here are examples of chivalry:
- Opening doors for women.
- Walking on the footpath closest to the road.
- Pulling out a chair for a woman to sit on.
- Buying a woman dinner – not to impress her or to take her out, but because you are eating there in the first place regardless of her accepting your invitation.
The context of chivalry determines its effectiveness. Chivalry behavior can be negative when the chivalrous man does not take a holistic approach to what women want. Women like chivalrous men when they have other qualities mentioned in this article.
If you ever get confused with what to do, avoid being the desperate nice guy. Keep your power in the relationship. Take the journey of personal development so you become a better person day by day. Use all the advice in this article and you could even make women attached, needy, and wanting your approval.
Because this article is a holistic approach to what women want, any man can improve his success with women by following the advice. You may not want to attract women in dating, yet qualities women want in men help any relationship, whether it be with a spouse, friend, or business associate. Communicate what women want and they will give you what you want on a silver platter. No sane human will reject you when you give them what they want (then again, women are pretty mixed up.)
(To learn more about women in dating and relationships, I recommend you learn from David DeAngelo. Also check out a follow-up article on what men want in women.)
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Update: What Christmas present did you get for yourself? You can tell me ;-) None for me this year.
Very good article Josh. I wish men could take up your advice! Indeed women also need to consider these issues. Most women tend to be driven by material needs and demands.Well, love attraction has a complexion of psychological games which need more explaination to complement this article.
Thank you Josh, I will personally take this serously.
this was a great article, thanx Josh it was a great learning process though brief for me. It left me yearninig for more but I guess that is Joshua’a style of keeping us waiting for the next issue and the next and the next
Thanx Josh
Thanku Josh. U are really a resource person.
I have learnt a lot from this presentation.Hope it will help me to keep the candle burning if I happen to get a partner.
Thank u so much.
Interesting reading… I am in an interesting position of the younger man older woman relationship. I agree with the article about what women want, and yes it would be great if the men could get the balance right. Women call men Jerks when they have been totally selfish and have not given the woman pleasure first. The other thing that men need to be aware of is it can sometimes take a woman years to be honest with herself about getting her wants met and knowing how to ask for them in an honest way. There are lessons in life to learn and once you have learned them I believe you are ready for open and honest love in a committed relationship. So guys and girls, stay away from manipulation. Be caring and honest, and Passion will be yours. B
I am convinced it is THE way to attract a woman to be ALPHA. So whatever response this may generate, do realize I almost fully agree with this article.
Basically I am asking for more appreciation of non-alpha qualities and the way ALPHA-ness can be less valuable in other situations than picking up women. OK this is a VERY long bit but I have read a lot about this material and certain things bother me so I decided to write them down.
1. Other qualities a man should have
You will have to admit that not everyone is a born leader or extravert and will never be such a person completely. Being a leader or extravert is simply something that cannot be learned because it’s so much related to personality. These things are the hardest things to change.
It seems the theory is a bit too harsh towards introverts (such as me) as if they never will get a woman. I believe with a mixture of alpha and other qualities you can get there as well. It is of course important that we come out of our shells, not afraid to speak up and no longer taking ANY ***t from girls, making the first move. Personality is important because women can spot it very quickly, which is why Mystery Method and other ALPHA-related pickup techniques are so successful.
But you can have other things going for you, some of them not even ALPHA: intelligent, successful, good looking, a good listener (not ALPHA), a good mediator (not ALPHA), empathic (not ALPHA), good with children (not ALPHA), very honest (not very ALPHA, he’s the bad boy remember?). The only problem with non-ALPHA qualities is that they are less visible while ALPHA qualities become obvious very quickly. It’s that annoying pop song that get’s played 1000 times a day on the radio that is more likely to become a hit than the much more brilliant but obscure single of that Indie singer-songwriter. So while women could get a much better man, they will settle for the ALPHA male, no matter how much of an asshole he is. Nice, good guys finish last.
2. Long term Relationships and the expiration date of ALPHA-ness
To MAINTAIN a good relationship seems an entirely different ballgame. Women are very picky and choose the best guy for everything. First, the guy with the best sperm, the alpha male. Then, the guy who is the most able to take care of her children (definitely not an alpha, she is now looking for non-alpha qualities). She may will still want romance and sex although children can interfere with that. She might want a 3rd guy for that (because the typical alpha male is a bad boy and will probably be screwing around too, plus being in love wears off).
Pure biology (from Desmond Morris) but it doesn’t sound like a recipe for happiness to me. Ask every woman who has had a relationship with a celebrity/rock star/president etc. Sure they were attractive men, but did they make their women happier? Some women may actually wise up, go against their nature and appreciate non-ALPHAS more. One of the things that I noticed about famous pick up artists such as Mystery, who could pick up 10 women a night, actually how incredibly LONG it took him to finally find the woman of his dreams (IF she still is…).
It will be also become a major problem for a guy, that has learned the alpha way to seduce women, that she eventually will find out his alpha-ness was only there to seduce her and no longer necessary to maintain the relationship. I know you will say “internalize ALPHA-ness so it’s not fake” but it will cost a lot of energy to keep doing so, that energy will run out sooner or later once the relationship is established.
3. A more relaxed look on improving your personality
Rather than being the best ALPHA male it seems to me it’s better to figure out how to be the best YOU, as the unique, strong, confident person everyone can be (Without necessarily having to dominate every crowd). Psychologists such as Marti Laney have written books to help introverted people thrive without having to become all extraverted. Like Shakespeare said, “To Thine Own Self Be True”.
There just seems to be too much emphasis now on “be ALPHA this, be ALPHA that”. Is that the right kind of pressure to put on young men that already suffer from a lot of peer pressure?
4. Biology does not always rule
Both women and men are by nature attracted to questionable or temporal characteristics that don’t truly matter in the long term: dominant behavior and tits and ass respectively. That doesn’t stop all of them from having a brain and resisting to anything nature urges them to do. Do also realize that not every girl is a total knock-out so they’re not all in the luxury position of choosing an ALPHA male of their best liking. Notice dating sites such as Geek2Geek that help geek girls finding geek boyfriends. Not very alpha is it? If any ALPHA male would place an ad there he would be telegraphing he’s not really an ALPHA (otherwise what’s he doing there?). And the girls there don’t look for that type of guy. Actually some girls are a model that want a smart man instead of a leader (I’m sorry I don’t think most of them are very smart, just read an average book about history or politics).
I have done most of what you say is right things to do to attract a woman and yet I have never had a girlfriend and still a virgin, so I think it is about looks, height and looks. I have been told that women only want tall, fit, good looking and financially secure men, also that women go for tall men because the taller the bigger the family jewels. Which is total BS and probably a femi-nazi bs rumor.
I think of suicide at least twice a fortnight and depressed a lot of the time due to what I call the Shallow Womens Syndrome, getting sick of the loneliness. I do not show any negative emotions to women and always am happy go lucky and nice with them yet no Girlfriend, I would estimate I have asked out over 280 women since age of 14 now 34 soon to be 35, and vast majority like to mock when rejecting and comment on me being ugly. I sometimes think what is life without love and its NOTHING. Love and faith is all that matters in life and faith can’t keep you alive for long. I have tried everything available to men to find a woman and nothing! HELP!!!
Jaime,
There is one thing that I notice about your view on life that so obviously reveals your AFC-ness: that you think you NEED a ****ing woman to be happy. That means you do not have enough value of your own and that is not the situation you want to maintain. Who says women always make you happier? Plenty of guys have only been miserable. Because of your attitude alone you will come off as too needy and insecure. If you cannot be happy on your own, a woman will NEVER, EVER be able to make you happy. Work on the foundation (yourself) first, get a nice job that you like, develop interests and hobbies that you can be passionate about. If you have become that cool guy, any woman that says no to you is a fool. Do you want to marry a fool or an intelligent woman? Stop being needy and only approach women that are worthy. Even if you don’t find that woman, you can still be happy because you have made a life for yourself that is fulfilling.
Some kudos already are in place, I admire you for having approached so many women, I should learn from that, get out more and talk to more women. I do have reasonably good looks but my introverted personality has gotten in my way too much. You see every guy has some problems, nothing to worry about because most of them can be overcome.
Good comments Dolittle. Every guy should read them.
Jaime, I admire your courage. Nearly any guy would not have done what you’ve accomplished, let a lone be still searching for answers. It’s time to learn and change.
I too believe life without love is nothing. Your not searching for love, however, you’re searching for validation. Your searching for a reason to live. You cannot be loved when you’re so desperate for acceptance by women. You seem to think that a woman will give you the life you want. While that alone scares away a woman, you’ll destroy any relationship you have when you go in needing love and acceptance. Women don’t fulfill your life.
Look elsewhere for love and fulfillment. Love your family, friends, build a career, get healthy, help people. Doing those things will magnetize women to you because you’ll lift them up instead of dragging them down through neediness. Push on mate.
I agree with it all, because I am who you described. The fact is that it is not flawless and you have to know when to be funny and not to be. I was an alpha male but I knew when to back off and ask for her input on where she wanted to go.
My girl broke up with me last week and it was on emotion and now I met someone else and it turned out to be good for me. What pisses me off is when women have the total package they always think that there is something better no matter what. I know you women are saying no I love my man or my husband but the truth is my friends or I have ###### many of you that say they are so in love and would never cheat. Guys, woman are gullible creatures who buy into what everyone else thinks and do not listen to there emotions. I have not – and will not – ever see a woman put into a certain situation and around the right guy and won’t take advantage.