What Women Want in Men
Physical Looks – Does it Matter?
One of the strongest beliefs I need to destroy is that women must have a physically attractive man. Society overemphasizes physical appearance as it pries off of men’s insecurities. Physical attractiveness in women is important for men, but guys get into relationship trouble by projecting their desires onto women.
A guy’s attractiveness towards women comes more from his personality than physical looks. I’ve heard countless stories of guys over 40 years old, bald, short, and even over 300 pounds, who date and keep very attractive women. On the contrary, I know plenty of wealthy, young, good looking men who initially attract a woman, but they don’t keep her because these guys do not have the complete package described to you in this article.
Physical looks grabs a woman’s initial interest, but it fails to maintain any strong relationship. (Remember, I’m defining a holistic approach to what women want in men.) If that’s the case, why do tall, good looking, rich guys attract and keep beautiful women? Such men have other characteristics that attract women. They emit confidence, are challenging, and show other alpha male qualities.
If you still don’t believe a man’s personality, communication, and other non-physical aspects attract women more powerfully than tangibles, you’re a “theorist”. You theorize on what you think works and doesn’t work based on your limiting beliefs. Put your limiting beliefs aside to discover the truth.
How you communicate to a lady – and not your physical looks – determines how attracted a woman is to you in the short-term and long-term. Non-physical qualities are more important in the long-run because they determine the condition of a relationship.
Of course, there are women who only accept a man based on his looks. These women probably make up 2% of females. Don’t worry about these few women! In fact, avoid them like the plague! Their shallow personality is created from low self-esteem and other self-related problems that make them a pain to be around.
Though the characteristics described throughout this article is attractive to any woman, even shallow ones, you shouldn’t be avoiding them because they initially dislike you. I want you to avoid superficial people because they are unhealthy for anyone around them. If a potential partner adds no value to your life, and you only want them because they are attractive, then you’re the one with a shallow personality seeking to cover up a void only you can fill.
With that said, the importance of a guy’s looks for a woman is more about looking good rather than being good looking. Women get repelled by a man’s looks when he has poor hygiene, awful attire, and annoying nervous habits. These negative physical qualities hold any man back from success with women. Repulsive breath turns off any woman.
Rather than worry aimlessly over your looks, focus on looking good. Firstly, to make better use of your looks, get some good clothes. Ask your friends what they think you could change to improve your physical attractiveness. Even better, ask a female friend what she thinks you could change. Most women will be more than happy to fix you up. If price worries you, good clothes need not be expensive. You can jump on eBay and search Google for online clothing stores to pick up bargains.
Oral hygiene is another physical aspect that must work for you instead of against you. Brush your teeth in the morning and night. Remember to brush the roof of your mouth and tongue to remove bacteria that makes your breathe smell like an unemptied disposal unit. Floss at least once a week to remove food stuck in between your teeth. Furthermore, you can rinse your mouth regularly with water, gargle salt water, and use a mouth rinse. Do what you can to prevent the build up of bacteria, which creates smelly breath.
Another physical quality any guy can improve to become more desirable to women is his health. I encourage you to workout at the gym at least three times a week to improve your strength and aerobic fitness. Hit the weights and do cardiovascular workouts to improve your vitality. The sessions will develop your endurance throughout the day, better your happiness, improve self-perceptions, and help you maintain an energetic personality.
Working out gives you psychological benefits beyond characteristics favored by women. You can overcome personal insecurities and live a happier life with regular workouts. You will emit confidence, dominance, boost your self-esteem, and improve your wellbeing – all characteristics women desperately want in a man. Anything that improves your life makes you more desirable to women.
Why Women Hate Nice Guys
Women do not want what attraction expert David DeAngelo terms a “wussy” or “nice guy”. A wussy is an omega male. He is not confident, has no power, and is too compensatory with women. He is dominated by females and other males.
A high percentage of males are wussies because society conditions everyone to be nice to strangers. It is an area where most communication coaches fail. Good communication is being nice to people, though this doesn’t cut it for the holistic approach we’re after to describe what women want. It is counter-intuitive to traditional communication skills that teach “be nice and people will like you in return”. Many marriages fail because the man stops being a man – he transforms into a nice wussy.
A nice guy runs after women. He is willing to dedicate his life to a woman, forever begging like a puppy for attention. He desperately wants a woman, any woman that gives him the attention to make his lonely life worthwhile. Because he is chasing and crying for approval, he is not being chased and is disproved by women – further hurting his low self-esteem.
Being a nice guy – in the sense that you are smiling all the time, listening to women, complimenting women, sensitive, and emotionally expressive – is not what women want. You do not need to be a jerk, but you cannot be nice.
Geoffrey Urbaniak and Peter Kilmann, two researchers from the University of South Carolina, in a 2006 study validated the nice guy stereotype. They had 20 women analyze 191 male college student’s answers to a questionnaire designed to measure their niceness. “Proponents of the nice guy stereotype argue that women often say they wish to date kind, sensitive men,” write Urbaniak and Kilmann, “but, in reality, still choose to date macho men over nice guys, especially if the macho men are more physically attractive… Results supported the nice guy stereotype.”
Ask any lady who is frequently approached by guys. They will tell you they hate nice guys because they are too boring, submissive, easy, predictable, anxious, indecisive, agreeable, clingy, and insecure.
A nice guy tries to buy a woman’s attraction instead of creating it through his communication and personality. He cannot keep a woman interested through himself so he does it with gifts and dinners to make her like him. He has the disease to please, suppressing his own needs and emotions in favor of women getting what they want – or at least, what they say they want. Women are too happy to receive gifts, but only to fulfill material needs. They view such a guy as a provider; not someone they want. A woman’s attraction cannot be brought.
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Update: "Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath." Michael Caine
Very good article Josh. I wish men could take up your advice! Indeed women also need to consider these issues. Most women tend to be driven by material needs and demands.Well, love attraction has a complexion of psychological games which need more explaination to complement this article.
Thank you Josh, I will personally take this serously.
this was a great article, thanx Josh it was a great learning process though brief for me. It left me yearninig for more but I guess that is Joshua’a style of keeping us waiting for the next issue and the next and the next
Thanx Josh
Thanku Josh. U are really a resource person.
I have learnt a lot from this presentation.Hope it will help me to keep the candle burning if I happen to get a partner.
Thank u so much.
Interesting reading… I am in an interesting position of the younger man older woman relationship. I agree with the article about what women want, and yes it would be great if the men could get the balance right. Women call men Jerks when they have been totally selfish and have not given the woman pleasure first. The other thing that men need to be aware of is it can sometimes take a woman years to be honest with herself about getting her wants met and knowing how to ask for them in an honest way. There are lessons in life to learn and once you have learned them I believe you are ready for open and honest love in a committed relationship. So guys and girls, stay away from manipulation. Be caring and honest, and Passion will be yours. B
I am convinced it is THE way to attract a woman to be ALPHA. So whatever response this may generate, do realize I almost fully agree with this article.
Basically I am asking for more appreciation of non-alpha qualities and the way ALPHA-ness can be less valuable in other situations than picking up women. OK this is a VERY long bit but I have read a lot about this material and certain things bother me so I decided to write them down.
1. Other qualities a man should have
You will have to admit that not everyone is a born leader or extravert and will never be such a person completely. Being a leader or extravert is simply something that cannot be learned because it’s so much related to personality. These things are the hardest things to change.
It seems the theory is a bit too harsh towards introverts (such as me) as if they never will get a woman. I believe with a mixture of alpha and other qualities you can get there as well. It is of course important that we come out of our shells, not afraid to speak up and no longer taking ANY ***t from girls, making the first move. Personality is important because women can spot it very quickly, which is why Mystery Method and other ALPHA-related pickup techniques are so successful.
But you can have other things going for you, some of them not even ALPHA: intelligent, successful, good looking, a good listener (not ALPHA), a good mediator (not ALPHA), empathic (not ALPHA), good with children (not ALPHA), very honest (not very ALPHA, he’s the bad boy remember?). The only problem with non-ALPHA qualities is that they are less visible while ALPHA qualities become obvious very quickly. It’s that annoying pop song that get’s played 1000 times a day on the radio that is more likely to become a hit than the much more brilliant but obscure single of that Indie singer-songwriter. So while women could get a much better man, they will settle for the ALPHA male, no matter how much of an asshole he is. Nice, good guys finish last.
2. Long term Relationships and the expiration date of ALPHA-ness
To MAINTAIN a good relationship seems an entirely different ballgame. Women are very picky and choose the best guy for everything. First, the guy with the best sperm, the alpha male. Then, the guy who is the most able to take care of her children (definitely not an alpha, she is now looking for non-alpha qualities). She may will still want romance and sex although children can interfere with that. She might want a 3rd guy for that (because the typical alpha male is a bad boy and will probably be screwing around too, plus being in love wears off).
Pure biology (from Desmond Morris) but it doesn’t sound like a recipe for happiness to me. Ask every woman who has had a relationship with a celebrity/rock star/president etc. Sure they were attractive men, but did they make their women happier? Some women may actually wise up, go against their nature and appreciate non-ALPHAS more. One of the things that I noticed about famous pick up artists such as Mystery, who could pick up 10 women a night, actually how incredibly LONG it took him to finally find the woman of his dreams (IF she still is…).
It will be also become a major problem for a guy, that has learned the alpha way to seduce women, that she eventually will find out his alpha-ness was only there to seduce her and no longer necessary to maintain the relationship. I know you will say “internalize ALPHA-ness so it’s not fake” but it will cost a lot of energy to keep doing so, that energy will run out sooner or later once the relationship is established.
3. A more relaxed look on improving your personality
Rather than being the best ALPHA male it seems to me it’s better to figure out how to be the best YOU, as the unique, strong, confident person everyone can be (Without necessarily having to dominate every crowd). Psychologists such as Marti Laney have written books to help introverted people thrive without having to become all extraverted. Like Shakespeare said, “To Thine Own Self Be True”.
There just seems to be too much emphasis now on “be ALPHA this, be ALPHA that”. Is that the right kind of pressure to put on young men that already suffer from a lot of peer pressure?
4. Biology does not always rule
Both women and men are by nature attracted to questionable or temporal characteristics that don’t truly matter in the long term: dominant behavior and tits and ass respectively. That doesn’t stop all of them from having a brain and resisting to anything nature urges them to do. Do also realize that not every girl is a total knock-out so they’re not all in the luxury position of choosing an ALPHA male of their best liking. Notice dating sites such as Geek2Geek that help geek girls finding geek boyfriends. Not very alpha is it? If any ALPHA male would place an ad there he would be telegraphing he’s not really an ALPHA (otherwise what’s he doing there?). And the girls there don’t look for that type of guy. Actually some girls are a model that want a smart man instead of a leader (I’m sorry I don’t think most of them are very smart, just read an average book about history or politics).
I have done most of what you say is right things to do to attract a woman and yet I have never had a girlfriend and still a virgin, so I think it is about looks, height and looks. I have been told that women only want tall, fit, good looking and financially secure men, also that women go for tall men because the taller the bigger the family jewels. Which is total BS and probably a femi-nazi bs rumor.
I think of suicide at least twice a fortnight and depressed a lot of the time due to what I call the Shallow Womens Syndrome, getting sick of the loneliness. I do not show any negative emotions to women and always am happy go lucky and nice with them yet no Girlfriend, I would estimate I have asked out over 280 women since age of 14 now 34 soon to be 35, and vast majority like to mock when rejecting and comment on me being ugly. I sometimes think what is life without love and its NOTHING. Love and faith is all that matters in life and faith can’t keep you alive for long. I have tried everything available to men to find a woman and nothing! HELP!!!
Jaime,
There is one thing that I notice about your view on life that so obviously reveals your AFC-ness: that you think you NEED a ****ing woman to be happy. That means you do not have enough value of your own and that is not the situation you want to maintain. Who says women always make you happier? Plenty of guys have only been miserable. Because of your attitude alone you will come off as too needy and insecure. If you cannot be happy on your own, a woman will NEVER, EVER be able to make you happy. Work on the foundation (yourself) first, get a nice job that you like, develop interests and hobbies that you can be passionate about. If you have become that cool guy, any woman that says no to you is a fool. Do you want to marry a fool or an intelligent woman? Stop being needy and only approach women that are worthy. Even if you don’t find that woman, you can still be happy because you have made a life for yourself that is fulfilling.
Some kudos already are in place, I admire you for having approached so many women, I should learn from that, get out more and talk to more women. I do have reasonably good looks but my introverted personality has gotten in my way too much. You see every guy has some problems, nothing to worry about because most of them can be overcome.
Good comments Dolittle. Every guy should read them.
Jaime, I admire your courage. Nearly any guy would not have done what you’ve accomplished, let a lone be still searching for answers. It’s time to learn and change.
I too believe life without love is nothing. Your not searching for love, however, you’re searching for validation. Your searching for a reason to live. You cannot be loved when you’re so desperate for acceptance by women. You seem to think that a woman will give you the life you want. While that alone scares away a woman, you’ll destroy any relationship you have when you go in needing love and acceptance. Women don’t fulfill your life.
Look elsewhere for love and fulfillment. Love your family, friends, build a career, get healthy, help people. Doing those things will magnetize women to you because you’ll lift them up instead of dragging them down through neediness. Push on mate.
I agree with it all, because I am who you described. The fact is that it is not flawless and you have to know when to be funny and not to be. I was an alpha male but I knew when to back off and ask for her input on where she wanted to go.
My girl broke up with me last week and it was on emotion and now I met someone else and it turned out to be good for me. What pisses me off is when women have the total package they always think that there is something better no matter what. I know you women are saying no I love my man or my husband but the truth is my friends or I have ###### many of you that say they are so in love and would never cheat. Guys, woman are gullible creatures who buy into what everyone else thinks and do not listen to there emotions. I have not – and will not – ever see a woman put into a certain situation and around the right guy and won’t take advantage.