I’m going to teach you what to say and do to win a fight. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you with this street-wise 15-tip guide to shield yourself from verbal brutality:

1. Use mental rehearsal. Psychologists for years have known the power of rehearsing an event in one’s mind before the real thing takes place. By visualizing a conversation before it occurs, you become strong, stubborn, and unmoving to the faults of another person’s illogical logic.

If you know your spouse will accuse you of always thinking about yourself, shout back a time your partner was selfish. If you know your laziness will be sniped, think of all the times you were busy and overworked. Visualize exactly how you’ll start the conversation and counter-attack their moves to corner the person and guarantee yourself victory.

2. The best defense is the best offense. Keep this in mind at all times. Whenever you’re cornered, vulnerable, and prone to damage, enter rampage mode. The mindset here is to steal the ball from the person’s hands and go hard, doing as much damage as you can to make your initial actions look good.

Did your partner spot you sneaking a peak at that young waiter? Tell your woman you wouldn’t oogle at hot women if she wasn’t so boring. The guilt you’ve established in her will make you the victor.

Did your friend accuse you of stealing his beer? Tell him he shouldn’t be a jerk all the time.

Did your boss catch you snooping around on his laptop? You better put your boss in a defensive position before he can fire you. Tell him to let you go free otherwise you’ll report him for the stash of drugs you placed found in his drawer.

3. Dodge like a butterfly… then sting like a bee. When you must be defensive, get ready to dodge. Change topics if you feel you’re losing the fight. Default phrases to help you slide in another topic for discussion include, “That reminds me… “Speaking of…” “Funny you should say that because…” Laughter is another good tool that releases your tension and shows you don’t care even though you’re collapsing inside.

Politicians are your idols at dodging bullets. Model your favorite evasive politician by slipping in random comments that shift the conversational subject to something you desire to speak more of.

4. Build allies. Not all relationships are bad. Relationships are useful when ally parties join to fight for your cause. Establish an ally of coworkers to single out the problematic coworker. Reinforce your point to a stranger by teaming with friends. Martial arguments can be easily won when the children are on your side. With people comes protection and strength.

5. Generalize, distort, and delete what you hear. Good listening is poison to good relationships. Should you accurately hear what someone says, you might discover the truth and start connecting with the person. Yuck.

It’s best you minimize good listening by manipulating information intake with these three tactics:

1. Generalize. Turn one statement into an overarching belief with exaggerations that disorient your victim. They ask, “Can you do the dishes?” You say: “You always make me do the dishes”, “You never do the dishes”, or “All-the-time you control me”.
2. Distort. Alter what they say so they’re the villain and you’re the victim. They say, “I need you to be home on the weekend.” You say: “You don’t want me to have fun”, “You’re trying hard to make me avoid friends”, or “Man, you hate me”.
3. Delete. Simply skip important information. Ignorance is key here. “To succeed in life,” said Mark Twain, “you need two things: confidence and ignorance.”

6. Be extraneously attentive. Just because you should generalize, distort, and delete information when listening, doesn’t mean you fully ignore someone. It’s best you adhere to what teacher of conscious living Richard Moss said: “The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.” Give people your well-developed attention if you want to win a fight. Your motto here is to “Know more about the enemy than he knows about himself”.

One way to do this is to pick on intricate details that display the person’s imperfection. If you know a girl is insecure about her front teeth, tell her she’s an ugly Bugs Bunny. If a guy mispronounces a word, point it out. If your spouse stumbles over the carpet during an argument, call your uncoordinated other “clumsy”. Be attentive to drill out flaws.

7. Always be right. You’re a perfect human being. Everyone else is a jerk. The moment others learn this, your life will be easy. Until then, you must criticize and complain about other people’s (incorrect) opinions.

Ignore the principle of consistency. You’re not weighed down by past decisions because you’re a clear, rational human being. If other people fail to see how you’re right, it’s because they’re dumb.

If you’re explaining what one plus one equals – and you get it wrong – your job is to contend why one plus one equals a window or how it equals three because of synergistic principles.

8. Never fix a problem you made. Remember, you’re always right, which means whatever you do is how destiny is suppose to play out. Anyone that makes you think otherwise must be verbally stoned. Since there’s no modern day option of a public stoning, you can publicly humiliate them by drawing attention to their faults like how the person has wronged you.

Did your friend accuse you of stealing his girlfriend? It was hardly his girlfriend if she cheated on him. Don’t apologize or amend a mistake because that concedes defeat and makes you look weak. Apologizing has no benefits. It’s in your best interest to leave forgiveness to religious followers.

9. Be your own person never dependent on others. Weak people depend on others, but not you. You’re strong and independent. When you know people are untrustworthy and it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, the only person you can trust is yourself.

If you want something to get done, it’s up to you. Getting other people to do things is slow anyway. Successful, happy individuals like Bill Gates do everything themselves to ensure things get done the right way.

10. Block out emotion. You’re an unemotional being because emotions have thwarted your survival in the past. Darwin would be proud of your unique evolution.

Crazed females, asylum attendees, and the weak are the ones controlled by emotion. Smart people are the best communicators because they communicate with logic. If another person gets emotional, it’s best you feign ignorance as it’s an attempt to derail you from supremacy. The only time you want to be emotional is when you repeat words at a louder volume.

11. Use superior vocabulary. No one can win an argument against you when you pick apart their delusional misconstructions of rationale at present. Slotting in large words within your vocabulary gives you the added benefit of talking longer, making you more likely to convince another person against his or her will.

12. Be respectful only when you’re respected. When you’re verbally punched, break the rules of good relationships. Throw in a low jab then bite the persons ear because their actions justify your retaliation. Only treat people well when they treat you well. Relationships are an Enron investment to be avoided. Minimize your costs in relationships when possible.

13. Advanced name-calling. Children call others names like “Stupid-head” and “Big ears”. You’re more mature. Use degrading terms, but give them a righteous foundation with clear logic. Think through an insult to leave your opponent prone to follow-up attacks.

14. Start a meta argument. You may run dry on ammunition leaving you with little to attack someone. In these desperate times, shift the argument to a meta state by arguing about how they’re arguing.

If they’re slow to respond to a point, use a Major Payne line, “Ta, ta, ta, today junior!” If they don’t change their mind, call them “thick”. If they misunderstand you, tell them they’re “ignorance is laughable”. With this infinite supply of ammo, you’re guaranteed to shoot down your enemy.

15. Walk away. If all the mentioned techniques fail to win you the argument, give up in disgust and walk away. The person is stubborn, not you.

If you hadn’t figured it out already, this article was a fun jab at our bad habits amidst conflict. If you read just one tip nodding your head in agreement and planning your next conquest, your people skills are in need of serious surgery. Please for your own sake, get my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. How to Correctly Apologize
2. The Complete Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process for Compassion, Understanding, and Peace

Having an awareness of the many persuasion techniques around you can prove to be one of your biggest assets. It can help you deal with strangers, your personal life, and your work life. Learning the art of persuasion can be the difference between meeting your life goals and falling short.

Common persuasion techniques include creating needs in others, which can be basic or social needs. Another technique includes the use of certain powerfully persuasive words. Both will be discussed in this article.

Social Needs

Perhaps one of the most important persuasion techniques is to create a social need. An example of a social need is the need to be popular and have everyone like you. Many would say this is unimportant in life; however, it drives many people to do certain behaviors. You probably wouldn’t be reading this article otherwise.

In the area of television, a commercial might use the example of a need to be popular by convincing you to purchase a product to fit in with peers. Let’s imagine a teenager suffers from acne (I know it’s tough, but try to imagine it). A commercial comes on and shows a picture of someone all alone with acne. They then skip to the same person with a clear face surrounded by friends. The television-bound teenager may then wish to purchase the product to rid his or her acne and acquire more friends.

What are You Really Saying?

The art of using persuasive power words can create social needs. It is also a top persuasion technique to get people doing what you want. You will find examples of this technique on television, labels, and print advertisements. Advertisers use words such as new, natural, and free. These three words are known to get the consumer’s attention – and that is exactly what the advertisers want! Persuasive words are used by pretty much anyone who tries to elicit a certain behavior out of another individual or group. Further persuasive words include: discover, proven, guaranteed, save, good, and easy. Simply using these words in everyday language can make you more persuasive.

While these words can be effective to persuade someone because they have strong meanings people understand, other words are more complex. You may not be aware of it, but the words you utter daily can have different interpretations, even if you think their meaning is monotonous.

Would you rather someone say you are “slim”, or would you like to hear that you are “thin”? Being slim has a slight positive connotation to it because it is attributed to health and fitness.

Rather than saying you have failed, mention you have not yet achieved success. Get the picture? Always try to speak words in their most positive manner you can think of.

Your repairman doesn’t just repair, he saves lives from electrical threats. Make him aware of that. Your chef doesn’t just cook, she eliminates hunger and satisfies taste buds. Don’t tell teachers they are teaching young kids because it’s their job. That’s a lifeless statement. Instead, tell them they are training and mentoring the future leaders of the world. Wouldn’t that fulfill their social needs of importance more effectively? Absolutely!

Are you becoming aware of the power of these subliminal persuasion techniques? You can say “nicer” terms in lieu of the original “boring” or “negative” words. This increases your likability and can positively affect people’s emotions. Take these as further examples:

1. Say, “sanitation engineer” instead of “garbage collector” and you’ll get better service from him.
2. Say, “We have a challenging situation at hand” instead of “We have a big problem” to reduce anxiety.
3. Say, “You’re getting slim” instead of “You’re becoming thin” to boost the person’s self-esteem who will then see you as a nice person.
4. Say, “You’re often late for work and you seldom finish the task on time. Is something bothering you?” instead of “You’re always late for work and you never finish your task on time!” The words “always” and “never” are often harsh and exaggerated; “often” and “seldom” are more subtle and do not convey the person does the irresponsible act all the time.
5. Say, “You could have given him a chance” instead of “You should have given him a chance.” “Could have” implies that he had a choice, which could then serve as a moral to make better decisions in the future. On the other hand, “should have” attacks the ego and sounds like a forced thing to do. (Josh: Words like “should” and “ought” form what I call a moralizing communication barrier in my communication secrets program.)

How to Use Words to Instill the Qualities You Want in People

Never compare the negative qualities of one person with another.

A former boss of mine said this to me when I made an error in my previous day job: “James (not real name) is doing a much better job than you are. He’s not committing any mistakes like you do.”

That crushed my heart. My boss thought this would motivate me to do better. Nope, it just hurt my feelings and lowered my self-esteem. Of course, I would never make the same mistake again after her harsh scolding. I’ve learned my lesson well, but she could have said it nicely.

Experiences arising from discouragement and condemnation negatively effect the recipient whether the words are intended to do so or not.

Some parents might believe that instilling fear in children improves their performance. They tell a child, “You’re always failing. Why can’t you be like your brother? You’re such a disgrace to this family.”

Those statements are a disgrace. Parents must inspire, encourage, and motivate their children; not belittle them. They should tell their children that they have the capacity to achieve great things if they put a little more effort. Teach them values to make them feel important and loved.

You can even give them qualities they do not yet possess. Give them confidence and belief they have certain characteristics, and they will eventually acquire such traits. Change your words and you’ll be surprised at how you change people. Tell them how bright you think they are, and you will soon be surprised at the results. They will significantly improve if you firmly make them believe they have the capacity for improvement.

If you ever want to persuade or encourage someone to do better, make sure he or she is motivated out of inspiration, not fear. Give advice that cares; not offensive words borne from hatred or anger.

Think first before you speak. Many relationships have been ruined by the wrong choice of words. Some people voice anything that comes to their mind without first filtering the good words from the bad ones. This might result in misunderstandings and arguments, which could easily be prevented if we speak in a neutral and non-offensive way.

Words are powerful indeed. The right words are a strong subliminal persuasion technique, so be careful in your choice of them. “Think twice before you speak,” said Napoleon Hill author of Think and Grow Rich, “because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”

(To discover more persuasive techniques used by the experts so you can make people do what you want, clicking here.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Brian Tracy
2. How to Not Care What People Are Thinking About You – and Release Your People-Magnetic Self Into the Conversation
3. Why Problem Solving Doesn’t Solve the Problem and the Real Solution to Permanent Change
4. The Power of Apologizing
5. Neuro-Linguistic Programming Presuppositions – 12 Rules to Change Your Reality

Robert Cialdini is currently Regent’s Professor of Psychology at Arizona State University. His book Influence is a fantastic classic on persuasion as he transforms what most people took as hidden and unknown variables in decision-making into clear principles that you can use to influence people.

The book discusses the following six principles of influence, which have a chapter dedicated to each:

1. Reciprocation – people have an inherent desire to return favors
2. Commitment and Consistency – people’s past decisions guide their future decisions
3. Social Proof – people look to others then follow what they are doing
4. Liking – people are more persuaded by those they like
5. Authority – people are more persuaded by those seen as holding authority
6. Scarcity – people are more persuaded when the resource at hand is perceived to be limited

These six principles I have briefly described are simple definitions that do not fully explain their respective principle of influence. Influence provides an in-depth look into the various situations each principle can be applied, when it is most effective, why it works, why it won’t work, and other variables that modify the principle.

Each of the chapters is split into two parts. The first part teaches you how to apply the persuasive principle. The second part teaches you how to defend yourself from the principle when it is used against you. While all the principles are naturally desirable to us, the second part makes you aware of when the influential principles cause you to make a decision you otherwise would avoid had the persuasive principle been absent.

Cialdini’s involvement in academic psychology has given him numerous and insightful research findings that he shares in Influence. The research shared within this book is what by far stood out for me.

One real example I’d like to quickly highlight for you to give you an idea of its fascination is how 1 leader, in the year 1978, managed to get 910 people to kill themselves with no coercive tactics – only by using the principle of social proof. The leader firstly influenced the individuals most likely to commit suicide and, from there, others began to follow simply because in times of uncertainty we look to see what others are doing. The lesson out of this example was that no leader can persuade every member of a group and, therefore, must create an environment that maximizes social proof. This ultimately lets the leader influence the entire group.

You may think research is only good for discoveries. The research in Influence is the author’s way of revealing, explaining, and investigating the principles of influence. I would go as far to say that every page of its 280 pages has at least 1 research experiment or real-life example of the relevant persuasive principle. You won’t get bogged down in details though as Cialdini gives you only what you need to know.

Influence is a leader in the business world. It is the default book of persuasion I hear recommended by experts in all fields, from seduction and business, to marketing and power. I feel it is a must-read for anyone who wants to improve his or her negotiation skills, leadership, parenting, sales skills, marketing communication, or business. I highly recommend this book to anyone, nonetheless, because we all use persuasion in someway to achieve our goals. You can grab your copy of Influence from Amazon right now by clicking here.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
2. Review of The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
3. Review of The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz
4. Review of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
5. Review of Made to Stick by Chip Heath and Dan Heath

Let’s say the problem is being overweight – as it is for many. You have 20 pounds you want to drop. You are sick of the extra weight making you feel bad and not look your best, which motivates you to lose weight. You build the willpower and determination to drop a few pounds to feel good again and improve your looks.

Through determination to solve your weight problem, two weeks later you jump on the scales to discover you have lost nine pounds. You’re ecstatic! The tension you once had about your weight eases. Because you feel more comfortable with your body – and your willpower drained a lot of mental energy – you return to old habits. You take less action to lose weight.

One month passes since your weight loss accomplishment, yet the nine pounds finds itself back on you. It feels too difficult to exert willpower to maintain a strict diet and exercise regime. You criticize yourself over your weakness and your inability to change. You feel helpless in forever creating a permanent solution to your weight loss problem.

The scenario above is by no means unusual. Weight loss challenges occur everyday in diverse forms. Other common examples include: managing anger, but we still blow up; quitting smoking, but we still smoke; getting a new job, but we remain in the old one; starting a new healthy relationship, but we remain in a destructive relationship; communicating more effectively, but we don’t communicate effectively and remain true to our ourselves. Why is this?

The Problem: The Tension-Resolution Model

Robert Fritz in his book The Path of Least Resistance: Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life says we fail to change ourselves when we problem solve. That’s right! Problem solving is responsible for, well, not solving the problem.

Problem solvers feel victimized for not receiving what they want. They often miserable and depressed, and blame circumstances for their reality. Their circumstances clinch them by the throat to direct what they do.

Fritz says we fail to change when we try to solve our problems because mental and emotional oscillation occurs between tension and resolution. One moment the pain creates tension. For example, you could be sick of loneliness and your failure to find an attractive partner who has a great personality. The tension pushes you along to improve your dating skills and better your life to attract a wonderful partner. Your efforts help you find someone you love. The tension dissipates – as does your efforts to improve your life. Eventually, you stop doing what worked to attract the person. The attraction disappears and you fight with each other more, which causes the two of you to break up.

The tension-resolution model describes tension as the problem. As the tension builds, you feel compelled to solve the problem. The intensity of the problem lessens as does the tension when you problem solve. You have less motivation to keep the problem at bay. The end result: the unwanted behavior returns!

Old habits reenter our lives because we problem solve instead of changing the underlying structure. Fritz says to solve a problem means to remove something, the problem. We try to remove anger, smoking, swearing, complaining, blaming, and negativity. In each of the hypothetical examples provided earlier, weight is regained because you did not want the 20 pounds and you lost your partner because you feared loneliness. We try to make something go away rather than create what we want. Our reactive nature to problems ensures we remain stuck in trouble. It is easy to think problem solving will make you happy when it only makes something go away.

Problem Solving Hurts Your Relationships

Problem solving also does not create what you want in relationship communication and persuasion. Too often we try to change people by building tension in them – and they may temporarily change to reduce the tension – but they quickly revert to old patterns. Sending people solutions makes them resist what you try to create!

One third of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program is about effectively creating solutions in others. We desperately try to change people by criticizing, ordering, threatening, questioning, or advising, for example, but this creates a tension-resolution dynamic to prevent change. You can pain someone into changing, but if they don’t have the underlying structure to change, they will not change. (I strongly encourage you to get my program by clicking here if you are interested in being a charismatic individual that changes people’s minds.)

The Path of Least Resistance

If you have visited Boston, the crazy road structure probably befuddled you. It appears Boston had no planning in their road infrastructure. Rumors say that Boston’s road structure is based on seventeenth-century cow paths. When cows walked the land, they walked on paths that provided the least resistance. Step-by-step the cows walked paths easiest to them.

Dirt paths developed overtime, reaffirming these paths to be the easiest direction of travel for cows. When humans populated the lands and began constructing roads, they followed the cows. Settlers paved over the dirt roads because it was easiest to work with the paths created by the cows rather than construct new paths. Because the cows followed their path of least resistance, rather than strategic paths optimal for human travel, Boston’s roads are meandering structures confusing to its travelers.

William Fowler, director of the Massachusetts Historical Society, says Boston’s road paths were not founded on cow paths. The example, nonetheless, serves its purpose to explain human behavior: energy flows along the path of least resistance.

In physics, objects travel through a system following the path of least resistance. Like water in the Amazon river, our energy flows along the easiest path. Like wind blowing through the Grand Canyon, our energy flows along the easiest path. Like pedestrians walking along a busy New York street, our energy flows along the easiest path.

Laziness is human nature. Our innate desire pushes for easier ways to do activities. Does this mean we secretly desire to sloth in front of the television while eating a bag of Doritos and sipping our favorite beer? Of course not. What it does mean is that we take the easiest path to get where we want to go. Our energy flows along the path that provides the minimal amount of resistance. Fritz says, “You got to where you are in your life right now by moving along the path of least resistance.”

Why Self-Help and the Law of Attraction Sucks

We try to fight the path of least resistance by using techniques like willpower, affirmations, and positive-thinking. We use these self-help techniques to motivate us to change, but our attempts to solve the problem fail to create a solution.

The problem with traditional self-help does not stop there. The messages sent through affirmations, willpower, and positive-thinking create the opposite effect to one’s desired outcome! These techniques create a paradoxical effect of no change. The subtle messages communicated from traditional self-help skills is that “I lie to myself because I find it difficult to change”.

You can see this by analyzing intention manifestation, the law of attraction, metaphysics, and similar principles that publicly took off when the movie The Secret hit Oprah. According to these areas of study, if you continually reaffirm what you want and stay true to the universe, the universe will automatically manifest your dreams.

Believers of “the secret” are bogged in their way of seeing that anything contradictory to their belief system is either frowned upon, overlooked, or manipulated to affirm their beliefs. Sounds a lot like a cult.

The underlying structure of new age fields of thought ironically cause people to not change. If you truly believe something, you do not reaffirm it to yourself. You do not rise in the morning to spend 15 minutes chanting affirmations that the universe will give you want you want if you believe you’ll get it. The unconscious messages sent through willpower and positive-thinking say you will not change or find it difficult to change because you need to use techniques to manipulate your subconscious mind.

Dr. Maxwell Maltz in The New Psycho-cybernetics emphasizes that willpower does not create change. Techniques that consume willpower burn energy because we remain stuck in the destructive tension-resolution pattern. The internal friction consumes energy on fruitless efforts. We spin our wheels in a stationary position. Energy is wasted that could otherwise be put into tasks that move us toward our goals. You need to channel valuable willpower and determination into choices and decisions that take you to your desired future.

How to Create a Permanent Solution – The Secret to Lasting Change

A radical shift in choice towards fulfilling what you want leads to permanent change. In terms of managing anger, for example, if you make the fundamental choice that governs your behavior to be a calm person by safely expressing anger, you do not fight your anger by trying to resolve it; rather, you change the structure of your anger to create a new behavior that brings what you want. Situations that test your anger lead you to create results and processes aligned with your fundamental choice and desired outcome.

People subject themselves to their circumstances by living in a respond-react environment. Fritz put it nicely when he said problem solving “subjects you to the whims of circumstances” (seen in situations where people expect things to be a certain way in order to make them happy). In problem solving, you wander (and wonder) through life’s maze where your environment is the walls. Your environment dictates who you are and where you go.

Permanent change in human behavior does not arise from problem solving where you rest at the helm of life’s circumstances. Lasting change comes from a new underlying structure of your being that guides life. Instead of fighting change, you become the change because it is your new path of least resistance. It becomes easier for you to do what you want and move towards your goals than doing otherwise.

Until a fundamental choice of good health is made, one cannot be truly healthy. Individuals in psychotherapy who fail to make an authentic fundamental choice of good health do not change. They stick to old patterns of unhealthy behavior. Some are even addicted to their challenges – without their problems, their identity is void and people give them little attention. They may say they want to change, but deep down they want their challenges because it fulfills a need. They fail to choose the empowering vision or they try to solve a problem instead of changing the underlying structure of their life.

Fritz emphasizes that the real solution to change is knowing your present reality and possessing a clear vision of what you want. This means knowing exactly where you are and where you want to go without delusion. Once you define what you want and understand your present reality, you will feel freedom and be at ease with yourself. A new structure directs your energy to effortlessly create what you want.

The greatest problem people have when defining what they want is they define what they do not want. “I don’t want to be anger”, “I don’t want to blow up at my kids”, “I don’t want to lose my temper”, “I don’t want to be fat”, and “I don’t want to be unhealthy” are a few examples of defining what you do not want. Knowing you do not want to travel to New York for a holiday does not help you go on holidays. How are you suppose to arrive at your destination if it is unknown?

Artists are excellent models to follow because they create a solution and know the end result. An artist stares at a blank canvas ready to start a new project. If he paints without a vision of the end result, he will not know when the painting is complete. He will feel unfilled and demotivated as the painting continues because he responds and reacts to the present moment of painting. On the contrary, if he knows what he wants, he will paint to achieve his vision. He will create a painting that fulfills his desires – and he will know when the painting is complete. He does not seek external validation for his painting because the satisfaction comes internally from knowing the painting matches his vision.

People think artists are spontaneous, but creativity is not always analogous with spontaneity. The best way to create comes through knowing what you want. An awareness of what you want allows your creative mind to compose processes that manifest your desired solution.

Putting It All Together

I will give you a strong example in my life I struggled with that touches on everything discussed in this article. Though I learned communication skills for years and used some of the information, I never fully changed my behavior. I tried so desperately to communicate well by using willpower, positive-thinking, and determination, yet I reverted to old habits. My energy flowed along the path of least resistance of poor communication. It was harder for me to effectively communicate than poorly communicate.

Sometimes I would solve the problem, but I was merely making something go away; I was not creating what I wanted. What I wanted was being ignored in favor of removing what I did not want. Other times, the “change” was temporary. I tried to solve my problem of poor communication instead of changing my underlying structure that would create permanent change.

As I discuss in my communication secrets program, I was resisting what I did not want, which created a persistent problem. There was the tension-resolution dynamic. Sometimes I changed, which decreased the intensity of the problem, but then so did the tension and my effort to communicate well. My willpower was burned so I let problems be – after all, interpersonal problems began to resolve. Tension would eventually increase again as the cycle started over.

I solved this by analyzing my current reality, where I was in my communication, and its affects on me. Next, I developed a crystal clear vision of what I wanted, then I made the choice to have it. When I made the fundamental choice to be true to myself, to communicate effectively (not “to avoid bad communication”), permanent change took place. My identity and life orientation changed to be one who uses effective communication.

Today I do not exert willpower to communicate effectively – though I need to remember my vision and remind myself what I want. I use effective communication with minimal effort. My new structure has changed my life orientation. The processes I engage in effortlessly take me to a life of good communication.

You and I always gravitate to the processes aligned with our fundamental choices. You still need to learn the “how” of what you want, but that comes naturally once you follow this decision path.

I want you to analyze your current reality. Next, think of what you exactly want. Have a pure vision of your desired reality. Write it down on several sheets of paper. You can make what you want clear by writing it in detail on several pages (I have a 10 page document that describes my perfect day). Lastly, make the fundamental choice to get what you want – and mean it. These are the foundations of lasting change.

When you follow this plan to change your structure, you create permanent change. People, information, and other processes will seem to magically drop into place. It becomes easy for you to create what you want. Your energy flows along this new path of least resistance.

You are the creative force in your life. It’s time to live how you want.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Brian Tracy
2. Change Your Words to Change People: Persuasive Power Words
3. Just Be Yourself – Why It’s Bad Advice: Being Yourself is the Problem
4. Neuro-Linguistic Programming Presuppositions – 12 Rules to Change Your Reality
5. On Achieving Goals – Part 2: How to Be Self-Motivated