It’s so hard to socialize if your voice is unclear, jagged, and plain boring – common vocal traits of shy people. A charming, resonant voice makes people listen to you.

This is a guest article from Carol, a friend of mine for two years. Carol runs her speech company out of San Francisco and is one of the best voice coaches I know. Read and most importantly practice what she has to teach in this article…

Does this sound familiar?

People have trouble hearing my voice when there’s any kind of noise.

When I try to talk louder, I end up with a sore throat.

I sound raspy and flat on my voice-mail.

I need to be able to project when I give oral reports, so people don’t interrupt with

“Can’t hear you!” or “Speak up!”

I want to have a voice that people call rich, resonant, and, well, OK – sexy.

I have worked with voice improvement for many years and I know that there is single golden road to your gorgeous voice: you have to think “Singing“.

Wait! Don’t go! That first step to a charming voice is understanding that there really are learnable skills that will make a huge difference in the attractiveness of your voice. Yes, you can do something about it.

Singing is a matter of a sustained vocal tone with maximal resonance. In practice, what this means for your speaking is that the vowels are more prominent when you talk and that you allow chest resonance to build and color all your words.

Why Your Voice Isn’t Golden

1. The problem you are probably up against is that you barely open your mouth when you talk – you retract your voice to the back of your throat and constrict the sound so that there is little opportunity for resonance to build.

2. Most of your speech energy goes into your consonants and not your vowels. Big mistake! While speech sounds are clearly important to intelligibility, vowels are equally vital PLUS supplying a physical, musical element that can be attractive and charming to the opposite sex.

Here’s a sentence that uses a lot of noise, just to give you the idea: “Stacie can’t scratch the itch.” Compare all those noise elements to the vocal flow of “Many men will wonder.” in the following exercise.

3. You spurt your voice inside each syllable instead of providing a steady flow of sound to carry your voice out with a continuous tone underlying all your speaking.

Those who have used my CDs, The Sound of Your Voice or have my book, It’s the Way You Say It, will recognize the concepts of Tonal Support and Linking.

Did you see the movie, The King’s Speech? The stuttering king produced his best, most fluent speech when he used the continuous flow of voice, with one word linked to the next, to connect his speech.

Place your hand firmly on your throat and say, very slowly, “Many men will wonder”. You should have felt a continuous flow of voice as you moved from one word to the next. This flowing of the voice helped the King speak fluently and will help you sound more resonant.

4. That constricted throat you habitually use will produce a monotone that is not yummy.

If you use the concept of singing to guide your speaking, you are more likely to allow melodic variation into your speaking. Listen to the intonation of the famous “homeless” guy with the “golden voice” in the news recently. You’ll notice how musical his speaking is. It is a constant song and people are enraptured by it. Crooning rhymes with spooning, doesn’t it?

If the first step to a charming and irresistible voice is knowing what to do, the second step is actually doing it. To go from the “knowing” to the “doing”, you’re going to need some help. Here are five steps to help you get the most out of your voice.

Practical Steps to Get Your Irresistible Voice

1. If you can, get yourself some singing instruction from someone who knows how to guide you in learning a new voice. You’ll probably pay for this. It will be worth every cent.

2. Join a church or community choir that provides some instruction in voice production. Just being in a group may give you the confidence to open up and try new behaviors that you would never do by yourself.

3. Use my book, It’s the Way You Say It for exact instructions on these techniques and you can use my CDs The Sound of Your Voice to give you the auditory guidance to supplement the book.

4. Experiment with your new voice with people who wait on you in restaurants or the dentist’s office. You can develop more skill and comfort with the changed voice with people who are not emotionally important to you.

5. It would be a good idea to learn some appropriate poetry that you practice and memorize in your resonant voice. It could come in handy.

All is fair in love and war, they say. And a sexy voice simply cannot be beat.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of The Sound of Your Voice by Carol Fleming
2. Review of Voice Power by Renee Grant-Williams
3. How to Be Charming to Men and Women

This is not just an article to help you be assertive – it is a complete guide about the psychology of saying no. Too many people struggle to decline an offer, say they won’t help out, or reject a dangerous substance with confidence. Forces like guilt, peer pressure, and an inability to assert oneself makes people say yes, which puts them in situations they later regret.

Saying no helps with two main categories of situations. Firstly, it helps to avoid what is asked of you because of personal preference or your inability to fulfill the request. This category of situations involves donating to a charity because you have already donated to them, helping a friend when you have a more important task to do, or working overtime when you are going on holidays. You enjoy helping people, but you cannot help due to poor time, financial resources, or mental incapacity.

The second category of situations where assertive skills protect you are made of events that endanger your wellbeing. This category includes situations with drugs, alcohol, excessive stress, and loss of family-time. You have the time, money, and energy to give, but the situation is more threatening than the first category and ugly implications deter you from engagement. Saying no is difficult because you are coerced into compliance with peer pressure, guilt, intimidation, fear, or worry about being perceived as weak.

Why You Must Draw a Line: The Necessity and Benefits of Asserting No

It is vital for your wellbeing and your relationships to draw a line – and not cross it – in either category that benefits from assertion. Two serious situations in the second category of scenarios is being pressured into doing drugs or sex. Never accept a life-damaging decision based on intimidation and peer pressure when you can say no. It is a bonus if the other person respects your decision – not a necessity.

Most situations do not have the dangers associated with drugs, alcohol, or sex. You are peppered with requests day-in and day-out. Time is limited to do the necessities and the little extras you want. In order to get through the day with your sanity in tact, you must say no to people.

You must gracefully say no if you’re to become a successful, powerful, happy individual. This assertive skill gives you the freedom and control to put your efforts where it matters most. Tony Blair knew he had to lead the United Kingdom by turning down requests and making priorities. “The art of leadership is saying no, not yes,” said the former Prime Minister. “It is very easy to say yes.”

I frequently tell, or ignore, casual website visitors and even subscribers who email me requesting my help with their communication – not because I’m a prick (or maybe I am) – but because I cannot let my time be consumed in ways where greater opportunity costs exist. People pay me five figures to receive one-on-one coaching so it is unfair for them to not receive special treatment.

I’ve noticed there are freebie seekers that take whatever they can from others with no respect for who they take from and no desire to return favors. Be wary of saying yes to these people. They can control your life.

Stop hurting yourself by doing activities that contribute nothing to your values and long-term aspirations (this is the best skill I believe to increase productivity). Accepting more requests than you can handle as your most important tasks get overlooked makes you do less enjoyable activities, agitated towards loved ones from your repressed passions, feel unfilled and unproductive, and develop a low self-esteem from the “but-I-work-so-hard-and-don’t-succeed” syndrome. An inability to say no has indirect effects difficult to comprehend.

Research proves the guilt that drives human compulsion to say yes, wears down the body through stress, exhaustion, and mental dilapidation, as depression and a lack of passion develops. “Saying yes when you need to say no causes burnout,” says Duke Robinson, author of Too Nice for Your Own Good. “You do yourself and the person making the request a disservice by saying yes all of the time.”

Your leadership with work colleagues, family, or participants of a social group improves when values are clear. Learning to say no will improve your leadership skills as you develop a better team environment where you appropriately delegate tasks. You will avoid doing tasks because you “do them best” and no longer micromanage people – two common problems for entrepreneurs. People can surprise you with their skills if you just let them, leaving you to complete important activities.

People respect your time and make less requests of you when you get good at saying no. You will train people to behave a certain way with you as they avoid petty requests they know will be declined.

Once you become good at empathically and assertively saying no, your words will pack power when you comply with the request – something people previously took for granted. The “yes” becomes a clear crest rising from still waters, ascending people’s expectations. Scarcity makes people appreciate rarity over commonality.

Why It’s Difficult to Say No

Your boss asks, “Can you please put in another hour at work?” Do you give in or do you make an assertive stand? You crumble faster than my poor baking by giving in to the demand. Why do you say yes too often? What can you learn from this to be more assertive?

Maybe you do not say no because you think it’s selfish. Saying no like all assertive skills and techniques is not selfish under appropriate circumstances. Assertion generates a win-win result. Assertion is not a problem; it is a solution to one. A lack of assertion causes a win-loss result as you suffer from poor health, regrets, and low quality relationships. Frequent assertion can be inappropriate, but most people are too passive and don’t need to worry about this problem.

If you are a rarer person who aggressively declines a request, you still find it difficult to assertively say no, but situations affect you in a different way compared to passive persons. Pressure, stress, and intensity of a request grows for you as it eventually becomes too much and causes you to shout, “NO!” or degrade the person through remarks like, “I’m not doing what you say” or “You can’t tell me what to do”.

Neither constant passive or aggressive communication is beneficial for people. Either case benefits from assertive skills.

Aside from communication styles, the most common reason people say yes is their guilt. The moral and social emotion dictates them to follow requests and orders. Charity workers sometimes instill guilt or shame in people so the only way they can alleviate the emotion is by making a donation.

Guilt compels you to give – often a good thing, but harmful when you want to say no. When your decision to give time, financial assistance, or any donation is made to avoid uncomfortable confrontation or guilt, the motive takes away the purist meaning of giving, which is to donate freely for the benefit of others. Giving is best done voluntarily otherwise resentment forms.

How to Eliminate Guilt in Saying No

Guilt is not bad like other emotions such as anger. It exists for a reason. Guilt tells a message you need to hear.

People feel guilty when saying no because they lack or have a conflict of values. When you passionately believe an organization such as a racist group does not deserve a donation from you, saying no is simple and you feel no guilt. Your values against racial discrimination make it easy to feel zero guilt in saying no.

If you feel guilty by not donating to a good charity (a gray-colored situation compared to helping a racist group), your values are misaligned – it’s not that you don’t have values about helping people and organizations. One value compels you to give money or time (“Good people help others”, “I want to help the less fortunate”, and “I can give to receive”), while another value tells you otherwise (“You can’t afford it”, “You’ve got others things to do”, and “They don’t need what you have to offer”). Selecting one value or the other makes you feel guilty because the other value is ignored. A conflict of murky values spawns an unclear problem. It’s no wonder guilt can create an internal mess.

You can overcome feelings of guilt when saying no with an awareness of conflicting values, then align yourself with your highest values. If spending time with your children is more important than work, you can eliminate guilt about not working overtime. If doing your most valuable task at the start of the day is more important than a recreational activity, you can decline your friend’s offer to play sport with him and not feel guilty. If good health is more salient in your life than drugs and alcohol, no guilt or peer pressure will compel you to consume either. Identification with your most important value lets you make the decision to fulfill that value and happily stand by it.

To rid lingering guilt, sometimes it helps to revisit important values. Recite what values are important to you and why (“I’m not taking extra work home because my family life suffers when I feel stressed”). Heavy guilt like any strong emotion communicates a message that needs attention. If further guilt surfaces, the problem is more complex and may need therapy to solve.

Let’s now move to the “how” of saying no.

Body Language – Saying No May Be Unnecessary

Saying no is enough in some cases. Without good body language, however, a simple no may not work.

If your body language is assertive, your words will be more assertive. Body language strengthens or weakens any verbal statement. If you lack good body language, any statement will lack power to be taken seriously. When someone’s verbal statement and body language conflict, you can bet people will accept the message sent through body language as truth.

I was frequently asked to work extra hours at my old workplace, a supermarket where I packed shelves, yet I lied to get out of working extra time. I said, “I have university in the early morning” when the truth was I wanted to get home so I could work on EarthlingCommunication.com. I hated packing shelves, hearing I must work faster (it was low employee morale), and being criticized for not meeting productivity expectations. Sometimes I got out of work with minor guilt, but other times I had to work. The reason a lie saved me from prison while other times it sentenced me to additional time behind employer bars was the nonverbal cues.

When we tell the truth, our bodies naturally communicate the message with confidence. When we tell a lie, our bodies naturally communicate the message with low confidence. (For this reason, I recommend you avoid lying by saying no for a true reason.)

If you decide to lie or just want to enhance the strength of any assertive message, I have three assertive body language techniques for you to follow.

First is a eye contact technique. When the request is made, look into the person’s eyes for two seconds, look away for two more seconds, and then back into their eyes before making your statement. This provides a “thinking gap” that lets them know you pondered their request.

Do not give them a blank “dumb” stare. Make it a look of thought. Once the four seconds expire, simply say no or a variation of it provided below. This communicates confidence in your decision and that you are unlikely to change. The person will be less likely to repeat the request after you use the technique.

The second important tip in saying no through assertive body language is keeping consistent facial expressions. If you were bored before the request, don’t suddenly be animated otherwise the person will know something is up. Remove smiles or frowns, raised or lowered eyebrows, and anything else that communicates a negative or positive stance on the issue. Generally, a boring face shows you are unaffected by the person’s request.

The third important tip, which will put your noes on steroids, is to maintain nonverbal smoothness. Keep your demeanor consistent with your demeanor prior to the request. Maintain a consistent voice, for example, by speaking at the same volume, tone, and speed you did prior to saying no. Any sign of unease hints at a lie or compels the person to persist in the request. Switching the topic and using sarcasm are two indicators of unease.

Make smooth, minimal, confident movements. Nonverbally communicate subsequent requests will get the same response as your first no. If you suddenly have a nervous twitch when saying no, alarm bells ring for the person who will likely persist until you comply. The only movement I recommend you have is shaking your head side-ways to nonverbally communicate your assertive message.

10 Proven Ways to Say No

There are many ways to say no that I’m about to describe below. You can choose a version you think is best for the situation without tying yourself to specific words and phrases that most articles on this topic advise because the following variations to say no are concepts, not word-for-word statements to mirror:

Plain No. Guess what this one involves? All you do is say no and move on. It is the least effective method, but this stock technique can work in simple situations.

Mirroring No. This variation involves sympathy where you communicate an understanding of the person’s situation, then follow it with your declining statement. Understanding people increases persuasive power. Let’s say your child’s sports coach asks you to be the team manager. You could respond with a “mirroring no” by saying, “I understand you’re after a team manager. It must be tough trying to organize the team, but I won’t be the team manager this season.”

If you do not understand someone, the person feels disconnected from you because we value those who understand our situation, feelings, and point of view. A misunderstood requester reasons to oneself, “You don’t understand me so you don’t understand the situation. I better keep bugging you until you do.”

Reason-Why No. One Harvard psychologist in a study gave his partner in crime a stack of papers to photocopy. The subject was told to try and jump the photocopying queue through one of two statements. When the subject said, “Excuse me, I’ve got five pages. May I jump in and use the machine?” 60% of the time people complied. When the subject said, “May I jump in and use the machine because I’m in a rush”, 94% of the time people complied. The researchers discovered that providing a reason with a request increases compliance.

If a charity worker asks for a donation, you can say, “No I won’t donate because I’ve donated to another organization last week” or “No I won’t donate because I don’t want to”. Reread the second example and you will notice something peculiar: the reason provides no new information just like “I’ve got five pages”. Everyone in the photocopying line has pages to print, yet giving a reason makes the request more persuasive because we comply more often when a reason is given. (I just used the technique on you!)

The requester may use a similar variation of this technique on you. Be wary of the person who gives a reason for their request to stop yourself getting sucked into a situation you want to avoid.

Also, use the reason-why technique in combination with assertive body language and another variation of saying no to really pump up your assertive power.

General No. The “general no” prevents the requester feeling isolated and picked on. This variation is great for people who request money. A friend asks you for a loan to which you reply, “Sorry, I won’t. I don’t lend money to people.”

Delayed No. Simply say, “I’ll get back to you at a later time.” Meanwhile, the person may find someone else to do the job or the problem may solve itself. You also give yourself time to think of what to say if the person makes the same request later on. The “delayed no” technique is great if you’re a manager, entrepreneur, or team leader when someone drags you from an important task. People often solve their own problems and only come to you because you’ve willingly helped them in the past.

Conditional No. State the conditions that govern you accepting the appeal. Decline if the conditions are not met. Only use this technique if you are willing to accept the request because the person may align their initial request with your listed conditions. As an example of the conditional no, your boss asks you to work overtime to which you reply, “I can work overtime, but only for one hour. If an hour isn’t good enough, I’ll have to say no.”

Painful No. Emphasize the future pain the person would experience if you decline the request at a later time. If your boss asks you to take on an extra assignment, you could say, “For both our sake I’m going to say no. The quality of my work declines when I’m not focused on one assignment. I don’t want to give you bad work, hurt my position here at the company, and as a result, make you get someone else to redo the assignment at a later date.”

Solution No. Decline the request, then suggest someone or a work-around the person can use to solve the problem. As an example: “I cannot go out with you tonight because I need to work, but if you need transport, there’s a good bus service near the shops.”

Be careful throwing another person into the hole you were in when they might hate it. Connect people you believe will help one another and both will benefit.

Repetitive No. The “repetitive no” variation uses an assertive skill known as the “broken record technique”, which repeats a statement. Say the same “no statement” over and over until the person stops their request. The request usually varies in form, but keep the statement unchanged. Here is an example scenario:

“Can you help me move house this weekend?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“I really need help. Can you help me move house?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”
“It’ll only be for a few hours. Can you?”
“I have to work so I can’t help you move out.”

Respectful No. Firstly use one of the above variations to say no. If the person persists with their request, use the “respectful no” variation. Communicate your wishes for the person to respect your decision. “Please don’t make the same request again. I’ve said no. Can you please accept that?” Do this with compassionate body language to avoid coming across as aggressive.

Regardless of the way you say no, use the body language tips provided earlier in combination with clear values and an absence of defensiveness. Defensive behavior ties in with uneasiness and can include becoming argumentative and being resistant to another’s opinion. It helps to provide that “thinking gap” for a few seconds of silence to overcome defensiveness.

Once you have used the above advice, be prepared to walk away in nearly all situations. Someone could persist with a request only because you are standing there. Some salespersons are ruthless and persist at persuading you to buy until you move to leave. Salespersons rely on your guilt to stay with them until a perfect moment that rarely arrives signals for your departure.

“No” is not a bad word if you know how to say it effectively with your words and body. Stop seeing this assertive skill in a bad light. You actually hurt the requester and the relationship with resentment by accepting the person’s request when you want to decline it. Turning down a request you want to avoid benefits you and the requester in the long-run. If you don’t achieve that outcome, then you have something to be guilty over.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Why People Remain Quiet, Shy, and Non-Assertive: The Benefits of Passive Behavior and Communication
2. How to Manage and Deal with an Aggressive Boss

NLP practitioners have a set of rules known as “NLP presuppositions” that form the foundations for the technology. They are beliefs that govern NLP. The presuppositions give you the foundation to understand how you perceive the world and presents you with the opportunity to change your reality. It is not that the presuppositions have been proven, but rather they give us opportunities and freedom to produce for effective living and better communication.

While few people agree on exact NLP presuppositions, the following presuppositions, in no particular order, are the ones I have frequently stumbled upon. They appear to be widely accepted. Though the presuppositions are simple, and hence can appear idealistic, think of how they can be applied to your life to change your reality:

1. The map is not the territory

This could be the most important presupposition to understand. “The map is not the territory” means we are separate from reality. The menu is not the food. The road map is not the city. The map of the world we have in our minds is not the real world.

We short-change ourselves of our full potential when we believe our mental map of the world is the territory we deal with everyday. If you take your assumptions of people’s behaviors, your position in the world, how people perceive you, or anything as reality – when it is merely your mental map painted from abstract understandings – you cheat yourself from what you can become.

Instead of interacting with the world, you interact with your map. How you treat people and yourself is dependent on the map you hold. Your map can be quickly, and more effortlessly, changed than the world it attempts to describe.

2. Every behavior has its appropriate context

You may get angry in sporadic outbursts because it gives you the space you need from people. You may be a passive person because of its benefits, such as the praise you receive from parents and teachers, which make you feel it is a good behavior. You may be scared of snakes because when you were little a snake-bite hospitalized you for two days.

Unfortunately, the behaviors, phobias, and ways to communicate we have learned from experience – that served us well then – limit our potential. We let the past dictate our future. Instead of using old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that served their purpose in old contexts, you need to adapt new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are most beneficial for the present moment and aligned with who you want to become.

3. People already have their needed resources

This is the weakest of the presuppositions. It is has been reinterpreted and misused from its original intention given by Milton Erikson when he said patients in therapy have the resources to handle their present problems, not all problems.

Unfortunately, and fortunately, you are human. While you may have the resources to solve personal problems, it does not mean you are capable of solving them right now. You need to know the resources you have and how to use them. You need to learn the skills, go through the experiences, discover a book, or whatever it may be, to awaken these resources within you.

You already have the ability to visualize, feel, hear sounds, communicate, and experience other sensations. These innate human abilities are the framework for personal change. In this article, and anything I share with you, I hope to give you the ability to use your resources better to create the reality you want in your everyday awakening life by showing you how to put your frameworks to more effective use.

4. Experience has a structure

You have five senses that give you an experience: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. These five senses hold the potential to change your identity and reality. Because your senses give birth to the experiences you live every moment of life, each habit or skill arises from your senses.

Pleasant-filled and pain-ridden experiences each have their own structures that use the five senses. Recurrent painful memories typically are large, bright, and up close. Painless memories of previously painful moments are typically seen in black-and-white, a single frame, and at an objective distance like in a photo – or even possibly combined with humorous music. Knowing the experience you want and understanding the structures that give off the experience, helps you establish an empowering pattern.

5. If one person can do something, anyone can learn to do it

This presupposition is modeling, doing what someone else does. It forms the foundation of NLP where individuals observe successful persons then mimic what makes them successful. Someone who wants similar success to a person they admire are to learn and do what makes the person successful, which leads to their own success. Successful individuals for centuries have modeled successful predecessors.

6. Change what is not working

The old saying, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got” is so true. This presupposition encourages people to stop doing what does not give them the results they want. If you want something new, you have to start doing something new.

It is sick to see parents use unhealthy ways of disciplining their children. Every action by the child gets a consequence placed around it. To the parent’s disbelief, the child continues to push those consequences. The parent thinks it’s the child’s problem, but the parent is too ignorant and stuck in habitual behavior to realize that what he or she is doing is not working.

7. A positive intention exists beneath every behavior

You might yell to be heard. Fight to establish justice. Smoke to feel relaxation. Retreat to feel comfortable. Remain in bed to avoid the pain of what awaits you. These are all positive intentions.

However, a positive intention does not mean the behavior is correct, healthy, or the best option. Rather, knowing a positive intention or fundamental human need exists behind behaviors and communication enables you to act resourcefully. When you see positive intentions, you are more able to separate the problem from the person and update your map.

8. You cannot not communicate

I have come across many people who think it is possible to not communicate. The idea that you cannot communicate is one of the top communication myths.

You always communicate and will always continue to communicate. Your nonverbal communication illustrates the thoughts and feelings inside of you. While your thoughts remain hidden, a snicker in your smile, a wink in your eye, or a sigh of relief communicates a message without you needing to verbalize a message.

9. The meaning of communication is the elicited response

You just gave a brilliant presentation to a board of directors about a new project. Or so you thought. They rejected your idea. Why? There could be many reasons, but the underlying concept I’m painting here is the message received differs to the message sent.

People’s responses show you their meaning of your communication. When you understand the difference between sending communication and receiving communication, you open yourself to intimately understand people. You become aware that people need to verify their understanding of your message, which allows you to adjust future communication with them.

This presupposition encapsulates another NLP presupposition: failure does not exist, only feedback exists. Every piece of feedback you receive is treated as an achievement because it takes you one step closer to what you want. If something does not get you the results you want, it only means you need to correct what you are doing. You need to change what is not working. You will eventually create the reality you want by having the effective flexibility to change.

10. The more choices, the better

The fewer options an individual has, the unhealthier the person. Individuals limited in behavior feel victimized by circumstances that “give no options”. You may consider yourself to be absent of any psychosomatic illness, but there will be unhealthy areas in your life where you feel limited and powerless.

People stuck in negotiations are limited by their constraining choice(s) because choice correlates to power, influence, and change. The more choices you have personally, socially, and professionally, the more control you have over your reality. The better map you develop, the more choices you give yourself to create your desired reality.

11. The mind and body are inseparable

It was previously believed the mind and body are separate entities. Today, researchers, medical experts, and philosophers discover evidence each day about the mind and body influencing one another. Your thoughts and emotions affect your body and vice-a-versa.

Do not underestimate the influence your mind has on your body and the influence your body has on your mind. There is endless amounts of research that proves the strength of the two-way communication between the mind and body. Fields of study now heavily integrate the two entities that once seemed separate.

Body psychotherapy deals with the subconscious mind and body. Your experiences show in parts of your body. One particular example is bottled emotions manifest themselves in pains throughout the body. Emotional pains arise in predictable places over the body. A sore left knee signifies a fear to move forward in life.

Last night, I purged my thoughts and emotions, which remained inside of me for years, to my parents. I woke up the following morning with my worst ever headache. 18 hours later as I write this, I still have a headache, something that has never lasted more than 30 minutes for me.

12. Action develops understanding

Regardless of the number of books you read, people you talk to, or universities you attend, you will not understand what you seek to learn until you do. It is only when you do can you fully comprehend what you intellectualized.

There you have 12 neuro-linguistic programming presuppositions. These presuppositions are given to you as frameworks. They are rules to change your reality. Live by them and soon you will be in a reality that once seemed a dream.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life by Brian Tracy
2. Change Your Words to Change People: Persuasive Power Words
3. Why Problem Solving Doesn’t Solve the Problem and the Real Solution to Permanent Change

As I drove, the open car park gave me an invitation to have a little fun with my car. If landscapes could talk, this one was whispering into my ear that I should spin the wheels. “Besides, it’s late at night. No one is around and you’re feeling great. It’s an open car park with no danger. Do it!” Like a vulnerable teenager succumbing to peer pressure, I accepted the invitation.

The car became an extension of my body as it began to mimic my ecstatic mood. I put my foot down hard on the accelerator as I spun the wheel left around the first corner. As the rear tires lost their stability and the car went side-ways, I entered the next turn and spun the wheel right. The sound of screeching tires was water fertilizing my increasing smile. Smoke filled the rims of my tires and a shot of adrenaline filled my body.

Following the two consecutive drifts, I straightened the car and approached a set of traffic lights on the main road that would take me home. Had this been during the daytime, about seven cars would be in front of me before the upcoming traffic lights.

My friend who had left before me had passed through the traffic lights three seconds ago so the lights were still green. Keeping in the mood, I put my foot down on the accelerator to catch the green light. I would safely make it. I turned around the corner with a soft screech of the tires. 20 meters in front of me on the side of the road were two police officers beside their vehicle. Lucky me.

The police pulled me over. Opposite to what you might be thinking, I was not concerned. I was still in my elevated state. I smiled. I wound down my window and an angry officer came charging at me, yelling, “What the hell are you thinking? What the hell is going through your mind?” I paused momentarily, unaffected by his aggressive state. I said smilingly, “I’m just happy, I guess.” Not a smart response. Not a smart response at all.

It hit me I was out of it. I knew I should have said something else. I gulped. My mind rushed to think of some communication techniques I could use as a life boat to save me from drowning in the conversation. The moment was intense and all that came to mind were some techniques on getting out of a speeding-ticket. I thought to myself that I will give the techniques a shot. I had annoyed the officer enough. Surely it couldn’t get worse.

As I was thinking how to approach this difficult situation, I was still happy. My happy mood seemed to pour fuel on his already raging fire. “Bloody hell mate! I could just give you a ticket right now!” My smile began to lower. I no longer made eye contact with the officer. The officer’s raging mood began to infect me. He was making me feel angry. It was as if my body was overcome by an emotional virus from the officer who was the virus’ host.

I thought of the techniques to get out of a speeding-ticket and realized I was already beginning to use them. It was too late to make the officer feel safe as he approached the car, but I needed to no longer act oblivious to my mistake. I needed to show respect as officers are in a clear position of authority and often experience disrespect throughout their day that only makes them more determined to convict guilty citizens. “You’re right,” I replied. “I was stupid and careless.”

The officer was still enraged and continued to threaten me with a ticket. I knew he could easily write me a ticket, but he was not writing one possibly because officers hate the paperwork created from citizens breaking the law. I kept myself aligned with the officer’s reality by remaining in a “Yes I’m wrong, stupid, and shouldn’t have done that” mood. I continued to play psychological judo, and match my mood with his own, until two minutes later he said to drive away. And oh, no ticket!

I drove off – though feeling pleased I had beaten a reckless driving ticket – in an irritated state. The officer had destroyed my happy mood. It took two minutes of talking with the officer to completely transform my happy state into a joyless, gloomy mood, which I remained in for another two hours until I went to bed.

Emotional Contagion: When Two Minds Infect One Another

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou, poet and actress

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.” – Mark Twain, highly quoted writer

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.” – Anonymous

“I am involved in all of mankind.” – John Donne, 16th century poet

My story I described is probably a perfect depiction of your reality with emotions. Everyday you interact with people in different moods. Sometimes you are happier than people; other times they are happier than you. Whatever the case, emotions transfer between people. This is a fascinating peculiarity with emotions. Have you ever noticed how we feel in our interactions is not only dependent on our internal state?

• How did you feel when someone really annoyed began talking to you? You became more annoyed.
• How did you feel when someone unhappy began talking to you? You began to be unhappy.
• How did you feel when a depressed person shared their misery with you? You felt depressed and miserable.
• How did you feel when a charismatic person talked to you? You felt his energy and you began to feel happier.

Psychologists call this phenomena “emotional contagion”. It is a psychological and physiological process – a transference of emotion that can occur from mimicking body language. Elaine Hatfield, a professor at the University of Hawaii, in a study with John Carlson and Christopher Hsee, had college students watch a videotape of a man describe two very emotional experiences: his life’s happiest and saddest events. While the college students watched the tape, they were taped so the researchers could record the students’ emotional responses. The students were also asked what feelings they experienced for each story at the end of the video.

The researchers found that students showed and expressed the recorded person’s emotions. The student’s felt happy when they watched the man describe his happiest event. The students felt sad when they watched the man describe his saddest event.

Hatfield and her two colleagues, John Cacioppo and Richard Rapson, in their co-authored book Emotional Contagion, say the psychophysiological phenomena occurs from automatically matching facial expressions, vocalics, postures, and movements. Hatfield says, “People tend to experience emotions consistent with the facial, vocal, and postural expressions they adopt.”

When you empathetically listen to a friend, true empathy puts you in their shoes to experience the discussed events. The friend describes an argument with an ex-partner, the yelling, the misunderstandings. You can vividly see what your friend talks about. The experience lets you feel the pain your friend feels. Well-known psychologist Albert Bandura says the shared experience results in a shared feeling. That is the price of listening: not only can you catch a cold, but you can catch an emotional cold.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
2. Dirty Tricks of Psychology for Mind-Reading and the Roots of Empathy
3. The Complete Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process for Compassion, Understanding, and Peace
4. Review of Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
5. The Greatest 15 Myths of Communication

At the end of the round, he had failed to qualify for the national tournament by two shots. In the clubhouse where we had a drink, we talked about what he did well and what he could have done better. “I was surprised by the quality of your chip shots and game around the greens,” I remarked. “Everything went within 2 meters of the pin.” Not to concerned about the disappointed day, Nathan replied, “Yeah, you’re right. My wedge game was strong today. Just…” to which I interrupted and said, “The eleventh 2-iron.” He echoed my words, “Spot on, the eleventh 2-iron.”

I let him continue to talk as his words almost perfectly described the words in my mind. Something happened between our minds. It was like a magic trick taking place. A mystical cable connected our minds, leading to strange psychological phenomena.

It seemed we almost had psychic powers. He was not just reading my mind, I was also reading his. There was a shared connection, a relaying of thoughts exchanged between minds. The distance between two brains was removed as two minds overcame physical boundaries to connect with one another.

There was no two persons trying to talk to one another – frustrated in their misunderstandings. There was no interpretation, judgments, or confusion about what each other meant. We were so attuned to one another that we did not even have to say a word and we would have understood what was in the other person’s mind.

What happened here? Was it just a fluke, a lucky break? Were psychic powers at work? How does psychology explain this? How can you use this information to read someone’s mind and improve your communication skills?

We Were Born to Connect: The Roots of Empathy Gave Us Innate Psychological and Physiological Connections

In 328 BC, Aristotle said humans are social animals. Nowadays, more and more evidence is showing that humans are born to connect with one another. Much fascinating research on psychology, sociology, neuroscience, and child development is revealing how we connect in our relationships.

From birth, a baby prefers his or her mother’s voice, sight, and smell than that of a stranger’s. The mother is more connected to the baby than an outsider. As the baby grows, other attachments form. Should a babysitter come over to look after the toddler as the mother leaves the house, the toddler experiences separation anxiety and clings to the mother’s leg. (The anxiety is important for survival and avoiding dangerous situations.) The child can be joyous 10 seconds prior to seeing the babysitter, but the sight of the stranger creates fear in the child and leads to large amounts of distress.

As the mother leaves the house, she feels her child’s anxiety. The child may say no words or cry no tears, yet the mother mind-reads her child’s emotional state. She is able to feel exactly what the child is feeling. There is a mind-to-mind and mind-to-body connection taking place.

Interpersonal communication is not just about direct channels – the channels like verbal and nonverbal communication obvious to people. Though we are often aware of people’s words and body language, reading someone’s mind goes to the next level. When you know another person well enough, you pick-up on indirect channels that give you hunches about the other person. Nothing needs to be said or expressed nonverbally; it is your intuition – almost a sixth sense – that tells you what is on the person’s mind.

We do not just connect through words, we connect at a biological level. Our bodies can adjust to match someone else’s body. When you deeply connect to someone during a conversation, your posture, movements, and heart rate match the other person. This power gives you the ability to control another’s mood. (It isn’t fake rapport you see in most people’s attempts to use NLP.) A mother can relieve her distressed baby with her soothing voice. Our psychology and physiology can affect someone else’s psychology and physiology. You literally change people’s bodies with your thoughts.

Social and emotional intelligence expert Daniel Goleman is a leader in the mind-to-mind and mind-to-body connections we share with each other. In a New York Times article, Goleman discusses the powerful connection we share with people. He refers to one study that measured a female’s anxiety. Researchers had a group of females hold someone’s hand prior to receiving an electric shock. When a female held hands with a stranger, she remained distressed. When a woman held her husband’s hand, however, brain scans confirmed little activity in the emotional parts of her brain. She kept calm. The husband’s hand was a biological source of emotional rescue. Our psychological and physiological states affect ourselves and other people at astonishing levels.

You Have Superpowers

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napoleon Hill (1883-1970), author of the classic Think and Grow Rich!

“The greatest reward is to know that one can speak and emit articulate sounds and utter words that describe things, events and emotions.” – Camilo Jose Cela, Spanish writer and recipent of the 1989 Nobel Prize in Literature

“The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy.” – Meryl Streep (1949-present), American actress

Because we were born to connect with one another, each of us has innate abilities to connect with others. Believe it or not, everyday we read each other’s minds. Whether a friend asks for your opinion on their clothes, a boss wants your input on a coworker’s performance, or a child asks for a gift, you receive what feels like sixth sense signals that tell you how to respond. When a friend asks for your opinion on their clothes, you can almost determine what they are thinking. You have memories, empathy, and gut-feelings about the person’s thoughts that tell you how to respond.

You already have “superpowers”, an ability to determine another’s state. If you did not have such abilities, you would fail miserably in your relationships; you would fail to intimately connect with your partner; you would struggle to persuade others as your negotiation skills would be insufficient to determine what the other person really wants; you would be unable to sense when someone manipulates you. Without this “superpower” to read someone’s mind, you would struggle to cooperate and connect with people.

Unfortunately, the less time you spend with someone and the more distanced you are with them, you become less able to read a person’s mind. As I am sure you know, we do not have perfect abilities to cue into another person’s thoughts. If it were that perfect, there would be little reason to communicate. We would know exactly what everyone is thinking.

It seems that a couple intimately connected to one another should know what their partner is thinking because time in a close relationship helps build the individual’s mind-to-mind connection. Married people might be laughing at reading that. Too many married couples can recall endless occasions when their partner had no clue what they thought – yet alone, what they were thinking when they tried to explain themselves.

William Ickes, a psychologist at the University of Texas at Arlington, is the leading expert in empathic accuracy. Ickes says misunderstandings in marriages occurs from a lack of insight into their partner’s way of thinking. While you may be motivated to understand your partner early on in a relationship, says Ickes, during the first few years of marriage most people’s empathy for their partner decreases because they become overly confident in understanding their partner.

It may seem contradictory, but assumptions destroy your ability to read someone’s mind. Reading someone’s mind is not about guessing or contriving information to arrive at a conclusion; it is about being immersed in the present as you allow yourself to be absorbed by the person’s reality. You come to act as the person acts, feel as the person feels, and think as the person thinks. Assuming information destroys your human powers to read someone’s mind, build understanding, and establish empathy.

Become a Better Superhero: Mind-Reading Tricks – Empathy Techniques

“The man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them, inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors.” – Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third President of the United States

“In nature we never see anything isolated, but everything in connection with something else which is before it, beside it, under it and over it.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), famed German writer

“Every reader, if he has a strong mind, reads himself into the book, and amalgamates his thoughts with those of the author.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You can smile and the whole world smiles with you. That is the magic of “emotional contagion”, a term created by psychologists to describe the infectious nature of emotions. If you frown as you walk around at work, you will infect coworkers with your sour mood. This connection we have with one another is there for a reason: it connects us! Emotional contagion plays a very important role in connecting people together.

We would be separate from each other without emotional contagion; we would have little concern for how people feel; we would be unable to read another’s mind. Intelligently taking on a person’s reality by allowing yourself to become infected with their emotions, lets you infer their thoughts. Some psychologists allows emotions to transfer from their client to themselves, which gives them the ability to peer into their client’s inner world. A psychologist can then discover a thought or feeling their client is not yet aware of.

Goleman in Social Intelligence discusses the amazing mind-to-mind connection, a connection that transcends physical boundaries. He says the intimacy of our communication controls the degree we can connect with others. When a couple are highly engaged with one another, Goleman says, “Such mental intimacy bespeaks an emotional closeness; the more satisfied and communicative a couple, the more accurate their mutual mind-reading.”

The intimacy of our communication that creates a psychic connection has a neurological justification explains Goleman. It is not some unexplained magical power, but neurological adjustment. As we communicate with someone and experience what other people experience, our neurons form pathways. These neural pathways unconsciously direct messages to form our sixth sense that gives us gut-feelings about what people are thinking. “Our trains of association run on set tracks, circuits of learning and memory,” says Goleman. “Once any of these trains has been primed, even by a simple mention, that track stirs in the unconscious, beyond the reach of our active attention.”

Intimate communication that shapes the brain can only be achieved by intimately sharing another person’s reality. Quietening your inner dialog makes you more able to detect another’s emotions. Without inner silence, empathy becomes a difficult task because there is no two-way communication.

Think back to a time when you were angry with someone you were talking to. Your anger was illogical as it caused you to do things you later regretted. You did not care what the other person felt, you were just concerned with releasing your anger and telling him or her how you felt. (The 10th chapter on emotions and logic in my communication secrets program can solve this problem for you.)

Better emotional management helps your mind-reading skills to improve your relationships. Four researchers in a study titled Physiologic Correlates of Perceived Therapist Empathy and Social-Emotional Process During Psychotherapy found that therapists and patients who felt the same had a more positive relationship. Similar feelings between people helps their relationship.

The researchers from the study say that talking uses a different part of the brain than emotional responses. Being a blabber-mouth kills your ability to emotionally connect with people and read their mind. Listening plays a huge role in connecting minds. By talking too much, we block our biological ability to feel what another person feels – and fail to build a connection akin to mind-reading.

As you quieten your inner dialog to tune into a person’s emotions, be aware that their thoughts and desires will not be the same as your thoughts and desires. Psychologists call this a “theory of mind, which describes the ability to determine another’s mental state and at the same time acknowledge the differences to our own.

Body language and other nonverbal cues helps us achieve seemingly psychic powers. Annie Murphy Paul, in a Psychology Today article titled “Mind Reading”, says that body language cues such as facial expressions are a good way to tap into people’s thoughts. “We tend to focus on others’ eyes, and that helps us,” says Paul. “The many surrounding muscles make eyes a richer source of clues than other parts of the face: downcast in sadness, wide open in fright, dreamily unfocused, staring hard with jealousy, or glancing around with bored impatience.”

While the eyes play an important role in determining someone’s thoughts, as does other nonverbal signals like voice, “it’s the content of speech that contributes most to our success at mind reading” says Paul. Meaning is not always directly expressed through words, but words give us insight into people’s way of thinking. It is next to impossible to mind-read someone speaking another language.

Another trick you can use – which is one of the biggest tricks – to read a person’s mind is to keep learning about communication, personal development, and human psychology. As you learn more about yourself, you learn more about other people. You come to understand what people feel, how we act, and what we think in certain situations. It is crazy how good I am now at digging into someone’s mind and knowing what is going through their mind in a conversation. I know how people react to many statements, the feelings one has during certain moments, and how to shift all this around to make it work for me.

Responsibility Comes with Power – Be Weary of the Dangers of Empathy

There needs to be a word of warning about your mind-reading superpowers. Before you go out and use the magic tricks of mind-reading, a series of techniques that use our innate ability to connect with one another, use your powers wisely. Empathy expert Ickes, with his academic partner Jeffry Simpson, advise people against the surprising dangers of empathy. “Empathic accuracy and understanding can be bad for relationships,” writes Ickes and Simpson in their study Managing Empathic Accuracy in Close Relationships. “While accurate understanding should be good for relationships as a general rule, too much understanding in certain contexts may have deleterious consequences.”

Diagnosing is one such example of a poor application of mind-reading skills, which is discussed in my communication secrets program. We diagnose others when we express people’s intentions. We try to act above others. You can try to mind-read your partner by diagnosing them (“You’re just jealous”, “Why do you always try to argue with me?”, or “Liar, I know what you really mean”) and hurt the relationship as a result of your diagnosis.

As you learn more about communication, you may be tempted to use the communication barrier of diagnosing because you will understand the human mind. Just as a partner in a marriage gets into relationship-trouble by assuming they understand their partner, the same happens when you are overly confident about understanding how our minds work.

The sad thing about diagnosing is its accuracy is irrelevant. Merely assuming or revealing someone’s intentions makes them defensive. Your superpowers and all the tricks you have been given to read someone’s mind that are suppose to connect people together, can separate you from people.

Use your mind powers wisely young Jedi. Know when to get into someone’s head and when to stay out. It is not the power to read another person’s mind that will give you great power with people, for that is a skill we all have; rather, having the skill to keep on understanding people is what will give you power. Understanding is, after all, the purpose of peering into someone’s mind.

(To discover cool mind-tricks used by popular magicians to “wow!” their audiences, click here.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Mind-Lines by Michael Hall and Bobby Bodenhamer
2. The Magical Science of Emotions: Emotional Contagion, Mirror Neurons, and the High Road to Happiness
3. Review of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
4. Review of Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
5. The Greatest 15 Myths of Communication

“Getting rid of a delusion makes us wiser than getting hold of a truth.” – Karl Ludwig Borne (1786-1837)

“Myth is an attempt to narrate a whole human experience, of which the purpose is too deep, going too deep in the blood and soul, for mental explanation or description.” – David Herbert Lawrence (1885-1930), English writer who often criticized modern living’s negative influence on humans

“Few people have the imagination for reality.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), famous German writer

Lies, deception, misunderstandings, illusions, distortions, and deceit is easier to accept than the truth. We are creatures of denial. Ignorance has a cushioning effect to soften the harshness of reality.

While you may ignore the truth because it is uncomfortable to face, other times you accept myths over truth because you don’t know the difference. A relationship expert, counselor, psychologist, or even a communication trainer may have mislead you to believe a communication myth is truth. Whatever the case maybe, this article is sure to shake up your communication beliefs and shock you into reality, allowing you to communicate more effectively.

Originally I was struggling to complete 10 myths for this article, but after brainstorming, researching, observing people communicate, coaching people on their communication skills, asking tens of thousands of subscribers on communication myths, and picking out myths from my buried notes, 15 myths fitted surprisingly snug. I believe all these myths need to be revealed, cleared, and truth be told so we are better empowered to improve our personalities and relationships.

The greatest myths of communication are arranged in order depending on their frequency and strength in people’s minds. From lies, illusions, flawed teachings, and misunderstandings, it is time to debunk the top 15 all-time myths of communication:

#15 Myth: Logic makes communication effective

Logic destroys relationships. The next time you see two people in an argument, watch them focus on the logical level. Each person will give facts the other does not care about. The content and logical focus of a conversation has been the demise of many relationships.

When bland words and facts are focused upon, causing emotions to be overlooked, the relationship suffers. Intelligence, reasoning, and rationality are fine. Problems can arise when logic gets center of attention in a conversion – especially during conflict. The emotional content of conflict needs to be handled first before facts can surface.

Stop focusing on the content of conversations. Look beyond the words to see emotion. Start caring about people’s emotions beneath their content of a conversation because relationships are fueled by emotion.

Even in business communications you need to focus on emotion. We want others to understand how we feel instead of pointing out the facts or telling us how to feel. When you understand humans are creatures of emotion, and that we are predictably irrational, you enable yourself to have great charisma and persuasive power. (I recommend you read chapter 10 of my communication secrets program for full details on how to overcome this logical dilemma to communicate at an emotional level so you powerfully connect with people.)

#14 Myth: Effective communication is about the blunt truth

I know this myth will be interpreted by readers in a different way than how I intend it to be. A person who always tells the blunt truth is disliked by those who always get told the truth. Truth-tellers use the excuse of, “I tell it how it is” and “If people can’t deal with reality, it’s their problem.” They may even see their need to tell the truth as a virtue.

The truth we tell others often manifests itself into criticism that gets thrown back into our faces with defensiveness or arguments. Truth is hurtful when delivered in the absence of empathy. Productive communication is inhibited when people are too busy defending themselves from personal attacks.

I am not advocating you lie or give people enormous amounts of praise when they sucked at something or to live a deceptive life. Lies are unnecessary when you deliver the facts with compassion. You need compassion in a tell-it-like-it-is attitude.

Truth is not a virtue without compassion. “Our tendency is to choose up sides, valuing certain emotional skills while neglecting and even disparaging others,” write Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz in The Power of Full Engagement. “Take a moment to consider how broad a range of emotional muscles you have in your own life. In all likelihood you will discover that you have considerable more strength on one side of the spectrum than on the other. Notice, too, the judgment that you bring to the relative merits of opposing qualities.”

Loehr and Schwartz go on to write that “no emotional capacity better serves depth and richness more than the willingness to value feelings that seem contradictory and not to choose up sides between them.” Have you been limiting your array of emotional skills by valuing the blunt truth over compassion?

#13 Myth: Communication solves everything

As someone who teaches communication skills, this myth is something I would like to believe! Unfortunately, communication does not solve all conflict and relationship problems. Sometimes the greatest charismatically persuasive communication cannot solve relationship issues.

Marina Benjamen, Ph.D. of Psych Central sees a frequent scenario in couples counseling. Couples have no “serious problem”. Both partners can vouch for no drinking, abuse, or infidelity. The problem? They do not communicate. A lack of communication can happen for many reasons, but by itself it rarely leads to relationship resolutions. “Good communication exposes conflict that when effectively dealt with,” says Benjamen, “can promote a more open and intimate connection.”

I have come to notice a transition point in people who adopt this myth of communication solving everything. The general public are vaguely advised that “communication is important in relationships”. Few people like yourself who go one step further by learning conflict management, emotional mastery, and self awareness, for example, come to realize how communication is greatly beneficial. The more we learn and develop ourselves, the more emphasis we place on communication. Eventually, we come to believe that any argument, relationship break up, or person who does not like us comes from poor communication.

Think of a worldly issue, like abortion or the death penalty, that you have a strong stance on. Do you think someone with opposing views who communicates well would change your mind? If you really believe in your stance on the issue, then communication is not going to change your mind. You and I have religious, political, and personal values that prevent communication solving everything.

Communication is the relationship, a shared connection between two points. Communication forms the bridge in a relationship so it makes sense to assume the problems coming and going must exist on the bridge. If either side has a serious enough foundational problem, however, the strongest bridge is not going to last.

People ask, “What things can I say and do to make people like me?” This is the wrong type of thinking! Most effective communication is doomed before you even open your mouth. Becoming charismatic and persuasive starts from within you. Changing people’s behavior starts from within you. And having intimate, sharing, and loving relationships starts within you. Change your life by changing your thinking. Good relationships happen with self development; not only through good communication.

I steer my focus away from telling people to say rehashed lines in certain situations because no magical line can effectively work when you are incongruent with your words. You can say one brilliant communication line, but how you feel and think is a greater influence on the outcome. My Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program is not about rehashed lines. It gets you deeply understanding yourself and other people so you can begin communicating more intimately, powerfully, persuasively, and charismatically.

#12 Myth: Learning communication makes you a better communicator

We are at a global health crisis. Doctors have repeatedly said that the large percentage of health problems in Western countries comes from choices controllable by those who suffer such health ailments. We are in control of drinking, eating, smoking, stressing, and exercising. The global health crisis is not occurring because we have failed to learn the implications of the evil five of health – we all know what happens when ignoring these – but the problem comes from our inability to change. (This is further proof that logic is weak.)

Learning about a health problem does not automatically make you healthier. We all know how to lose weight: you consume less energy than you put out. But the majority of us have health problems within our control, which we logically understand, yet continue to ignore.

Learning communication only makes you a better communicator when the lessons lead to behavioral change. Even failing at a new skill makes you a better communicator because you went out and did something. Stop trying to intellectualize everything and just give it a go. You will become a better communicator when you do it. (I recommend you read Alan Deutschman’s Change or Die for more information about this topic.)

#11 Myth: Communication is one-way

Radios, televisions, and many electrical devices in the home communicate one-way messages. It seems our relationships are often the same. At times it appears we communicate in a monologue. There is still two-way communication – just poor two-way communication – because we cannot not communicate.

Communication in human relationships is two-way. Even one-way communication like public speaking is two-way. We have eyes and ears that absorb people’s communication as listening or a lack of listening communicates a message. You can listen and not say a word to communicate. Whether you choose to do something with this gathered information to improve your relationships, increase your charisma, or boost your persuasion is up to you. It is up to you if you choose to empathize, laugh at, pay attention to, or ignore another person’s communication, yet two-way communication will always exist. Several other myths, as you will soon discover, nicely tie into this myth.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. The Benefits of Communication Skills
2. Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills – and What to Do About It
3. The Complete Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process for Compassion, Understanding, and Peace
4. Review of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
5. The Heart of Effective Communication: How to Love People

What better way to improve the quality of your voice than to listen to a speech expert teach the skills she has learned for several decades. Since 1968, Carol Fleming, a doctorate in communication disorders from Northwestern University, has ran her private speech communication consultancy in the San Francisco Bay Area. Fleming has made her vocal techniques, gathered over years of learning and teaching, available in her entertaining audio program.

You can buy books to improve your voice, such as Renee Grant-Williams’ Voice Power, but until you hear a good voice and become capable of breaking it into specific reasons why it’s good, you’ll hope your voice is good. It is vital to know a good voice when you hear one and understand the qualities of a good voice then transfer this understanding into your voice through practical exercises – all steps covered in The Sound of Your Voice.

The program isn’t a boring dictation of a book. It is an entertaining, well produced, free-flowing program. Fleming is the primary speaker accompanied by Wesley, a Brit with a soothing accent. I’m not particularly fond of British accents, having an Australian one myself “mate”, yet it is enjoyable to hear the two talk about speaking. Moreover, the program is not two people conversing about talking – it is a well produced program that contains real-life examples, entertaining sounds, and many speakers with diverse voice qualities that Fleming dissects. It is a lively program.

You won’t be caught up in technicalities when doing the program. It is a simple and effective program taught by Fleming who knows how to breakdown vocal complexities into layman’s term after her decades of experience teaching vocalics. The program will show you:

• How to add vocal vitality to your voice so you are not boring. Men especially struggle to remove their monotone voice and speak with vitality.
• How to speak in a powerful, mature manner. While men struggle with a monotone voice, women sometimes struggle to convey power in their voice.
• How to eliminate or change your accent. (Example students in the program remove their accents by making a few simple adjustments.)
• Breathing exercises to support your voice.
• How to remove annoying content from your speech like filler words and superlatives.
• How to speak clearly and smoothly articulate each word.
• What to do to get your voice ready for speaking.
• And plenty more.

The vocal exercises in the program took my voice to the next level. I have always struggled to understand resonance and getting my voice to vibrate clearly from the front of mouth for better articulation, and a simple exercise has helped me do just that.

If you want to improve your voice, Carol Fleming’s The Sound of Your Voice is the way to go. It is the best voice program I’ve come across. You can grab your copy from Amazon by clicking here today.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Voice Power by Renee Grant-Williams
2. 5 Steps to a Charming (and Sexy!) Voice
3. Review of Made to Stick by Chip Heath and Dan Heath
4. Review of The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
5. Review of Magic Bullets by Savoy

How do some good communicators effortlessly grab people’s attention and make them listen to each word? These attention-grabbers have mastered their voice – and now you can do the same. If your voice isn’t what you want it to be, Renee Grant-Williams in Voice Power will show you how you can make it resonate with powerful clarity. .

Having worked with celebrities and singers such as Garth Brooks, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, and The Dixie Chicks, Grant-Williams has established herself as an authority on improving the human voice. You don’t need to be a singer or even a public speaker to improve your voice. A better voice will help you with every spoken word. Whether you’re disciplining children, motivating employees, seducing a partner, or teaching a workshop, a better voice helps get your point across and make it stick.

Voice Power isn’t about getting you to speak loudly. In fact, volume was mentioned rarely in the book. It is about creating the support and resonance for a commanding voice with little effort.

The basis for the book is good breathing. When we were babies, we naturally breathed well. We lost good breathing habits when we were taught to puff-out our chest and hold our heads high – two techniques that tense vocal muscles. The breathing techniques will have you relax, balance yourself, reduce stress, minimize muscular tension, and improve your voice.

Grant-Williams advises the use of powerful consonants where you elongate sentence-important consonants – another powerful piece of advice that counters common knowledge of elongating vowels. Saying “Ssstop it nnnow” is more powerful than “Stooop it nooow”. I think you’ll find many insightful lessons about vocal quality with the author’s simple and effective teachings that reveal a lot of vocal myths.

Other central techniques in the book include silence, rhythm, and volume. Grant-Williams describes a musical beat to speaking that is extremely valuable – especially for when you prepare a speech. Elvis Presley’s singing technique, posture, and body positioning is used to demonstrate and breakdown a beautiful sounding voice.

The last section in the book deals with voice care. A few tips include getting enough water, eating well, exercising, and using a humidifier to keep the air moist. The author also discusses some common problems with unhealthy voices such as reflux and nodes to ensure you don’t have a health ailment limiting your vocals.

Overall, it is a great book to power up your voice and make it sound richer. I found myself pulling many pieces of advice and techniques from it. Make your voice count because it has so much power in making a good impression on others. Make your voice an asset that shows you’re a confident and powerful person by getting a copy of Voice Power from Amazon by clicking here today.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of The Sound of Your Voice by Carol Fleming
2. Review of The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
3. 5 Steps to a Charming (and Sexy!) Voice
4. The Power of Apologizing
5. Change Your Words to Change People: Persuasive Power Words

There are two aspects to communication: verbal and nonverbal communication. Because these interesting people do not say a word to make you curious about them, their interesting characteristics come from good nonverbal communication, narrowly known as body language. Nonverbal communication gives you the power to be interesting among many other benefits.

A lot of lies and misleading information has been made about body language’s impact on communication. One such example comes from Albert Mehrabian, a psychologist at the University of California in Los Angeles, who created the “7%-38%-55% Rule” – a communication rule that defines what factors give our words meaning. The rule says 7% of meaning is in the spoken words, 38% of meaning is in how we say the words, and 55% of meaning is in facial expressions. As I’ve revealed in the 15 greatest communication myths, this communication rule cannot be applied to all situations, as Mehrabian specifically says this rule applies only when someone discusses their likes and dislikes. Mehrabian does, however, emphasize that body language is a strong influence in communication.

Want to look attractive? Your body language has the power to communicate attractiveness. If you want to appear lazy, boring, or unattractive, adjust your body language accordingly and others will immediately judge you as lazy, boring, or unattractive. Your body language has the power to influence and communicate what you want – in our case, how to be interesting.

I’ve learned three body language tricks to make myself appear more interesting. These techniques are simple and powerful, but may require a bit of practice until you become unconsciously competent with them. Eventually, people will see you as interesting and charismatic once you practice the tricks. Here are the three most powerful nonverbal skills you can put on yourself that will instantly make you more interesting, rapidly improve your attractiveness, make you more approachable, and quickly explode your confidence like never before with ease:

Gooey Eyes

As I type this, it’s ironic that I’m listening to a song called “Open Your Eyes” by Snow Patrol while the next song to be played is “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls (normally, I don’t listen to lyrical music because it steals my point of focus). Eyes have always been important to humans. Without eyes, human communication relies on sounds. Without good eye contact, communication can be destroyed.

Most people’s understanding of good eye contact is to ensure you keep looking at the person, but there are eye contact techniques, like the gooey eyes trick, you can use to make yourself more interesting without having to say a word. The other person will see your great eye contact and instantly infer from your body language that you are no ordinary person. Excellent eye contact gives the message that you are an interesting person.

Gooey eyes has you momentarily increase eye contact with the person you want to be perceived by as being more interesting. It is a slow, deliberate movement to make people like you. The imagery you want to have – and where it gets its name from – is visualizing your eye contact with the person like a sticky toffee being peeled off a surface. Look at the person as per normal, but keep the eye contact going a little longer than normal. Right before you turn your head down, to the side, or to someone else’s eyes to break the eye contact, maintain eye contact a little longer by peeling your gooey eyes off the person as you turn your head. Peel your eyes off the person like a sticky toffee lifted from the surface it’s stuck on.

Gooey eyes makes you interesting because your head shifts somewhere else, but your eyes momentarily focus on the person. It shows the person you’re confident enough to make strong contact, a dominant trait, as you continue whatever you do. The technique also communicates that you see a trait in the person that other people overlook. You go to break eye contact yet continue to visually absorb them because they interest you.

Gooey eyes contain several different levels of intensity depending on the person and the situation. Women to women and men to women can generally have strong eye contact. When someone makes strong eye contact with a woman in a conversation, their conversational intimacy heightens. The woman instantly feels more interested in the person.

Women interact with others to feel intimacy and strong eye contact is associated with intimacy. Take a look at the time women spend on the phone. They can talk for hours about what happened in one day. Now think how long a man-to-man phone call takes. We punch in the numbers and are off the phone within one minute. I’ve had so many man-to-man calls that have lasted less than 30 seconds. We are objective based. I cannot imagine us guys asking each other, “Oh, so what are your feelings about…?”

If you are a guy and want to appear attractive to a lady, make an effort to never look away from her until she loses eye contact with you. This technique displays explosive amounts of confidence – a very attractive quality to the lady. When you and a woman see one another, make strong eye contact in addition to applying the gooey eyes technique as you look away. Women love slow, meaningful body language. You will catch her attention, show confidence, and be more interesting to her than if you avoided the technique. When using these techniques, please do not eye her down without talking to her at sometime otherwise you’ll be seen as a creepy stalker.

Be careful in some cultures and situations with strong eye contact because it can be interpreted as threatening and aggressive. You can make strong eye contact without appearing aggressive in most cultures. You can be dominant without being domineering. If you’re a guy, aim to make eye contact about 70% of the time with another guy – and when you look away, visualize your eyes peeling off the guy like a sticky toffee. You won’t come off as aggressive or shy, but you will find a median that shows you are an interesting “someone”.

One last point I would like to make about gooey eyes is to avoid overusing the technique with a person. If you keep peeling your eyes off the person like a sticky toffee, you risk being seen as weird.

Illuminating Smile

Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People says smiling is necessary to make friends, but how do we do it? Most of us know the influence of a good smile, yet many people don’t know how to smile well. You need to learn the “how” and not just the “what”.

A good smile is contagious because it makes the smiling person and witnesses feel good. Research has isolated a smile from other influencing variables to discover that seeing only a smile makes you feel better. Likewise, seeing a person frown makes you feel worse. It is a magical brain-to-brain connection that links humans in an almost mystical way. You can make people feel good, make yourself feel good, and make yourself look good by cultivating an illuminating smile.

Why do some people have a cold turkey smile that freezes a room’s emotional temperature? On the other hand, some people ignite your heart with a beautiful smile. How can you achieve an illuminating smile that lights up the room?

You don’t have to be born with a great smile. You also don’t need a beautiful face to carve a great smile. The face is comprised of muscles you simply control to develop an illuminating smile.

A cold turkey smile begins with the smiling person not feeling happy or excited – the incongruence shows in the facial muscles. An authentic smile shows when you feel positive emotions. Make yourself feel great to smile. It also helps to fabricate a smile by just smiling as research proves you feel better even when your smile is fake.

A cold turkey smile is simply an on and off switch, while an illuminating smile slowly increases in intensity until it’s fully illuminated. I call this the “illuminating smile” because your smile is like a volume switch gradually turned to full power.

To use the technique, “turn up” your smile after one second of good eye contact. Increase the dimming switch to gradually brighten your smile. Begin with a little smile, slowly increasing it over two seconds until it becomes a big smile. The initial eye contact to your largest smile totals approximately three seconds.

Practice smiling in front of a mirror. Make the initial eye contact and wait a second, then gradually increase your smile to illuminate the room. You will see how genuine and interesting your smile can become. (Note: Lock the door to the room in case someone sees you practicing your smile. It’s weird to see, but wonderful to do.)

An illuminating smile will appear genuine because you don’t instantly flick on your smile upon eye contact. Rather, you wait a second or two, begin smiling, then you increase the size of your smile over two further seconds. (If you want more smiling techniques and further secrets based on facial muscles and psychological secrets to build a great smile, see my Big Talk program.)

Capitalizing Posture

An excellent posture rings a giant bell to everyone that you’re an interesting “someone”. It tells everyone you’re not an average person. In the man-to-woman context, a woman instantly sees the guys she is interested in by observing how a man walks. A guy with an excellent posture switches all her right buttons and makes her interested. Similarly, a woman with a good posture becomes more attractive to men.

I have called this third technique a “capitalizing posture” for several reasons. Firstly, successful people use their assets better than an unsuccessful person. You can capitalize one of your greatest assets – your posture.

Secondly, a good posture is associated with being tall, high status, confidence, and power. A capitalizing posture is like buildings in a capital city. This does not mean you need to be an over-sized human to have good posture (like yours truly). A capitalizing posture has you focus on maintaining an upright position the best you can with ease.

It’s time to put an end to a posture that is like The Leaning Tower of Pisa and reconstruct it into a strong, “Tower of Power” structure! There are several techniques you can use to grow your greatest body language asset. I’ve heard so many complex techniques to adjust your posture, but recently I discovered one amazingly simple technique that I wanted to kept secret.

Here it is: all you need to do is lift your chest. That’s it! Your head will rise, your neck will straighten, your shoulders will drop back, and your back will straighten – all by lifting your chest! This is a capitalizing posture.

If you ever feel compressed in the day (like you might be now as you sit at the computer reading this article) lift your chest like Tarzan. Take on the capitalizing posture. While I recommend you breathe through your stomach (technically you can’t because your lungs aren’t there, but your stomach should expand), I want you to take a deep breath into the top of your lungs to lift your chest and stretch your posture into a taller position.

Try the capitalizing posture technique right now. You can do it on your computer chair. It only takes one second to do. You’ll feel more special and confident just by practicing the technique.

Practice the gooey eyes, illuminating smile, and capitalizing posture techniques in front of a mirror or in a conversation the next time you socialize to see for yourself how these three body language adjustments instantly transform you into a more interesting person without having to say a word.

(You can discover further simple adjustments in your body language that make men and women attracted to you by checking out the nonverbal communication chapter in my Big Talk program.)

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1. How to Be Charming to Men and Women
2. 40 Ways to Make a Good First Impression
3. Dirty Tricks of Psychology for Mind-Reading and the Roots of Empathy