Some of us possess more charm than others, while an unfortunate few remain in the proverbial dust cloud of those who courted their way ahead. In medieval times (and still to this day) magic had charm because of its mysteries and unknown that left outsiders dumbfounded. If you charm men and women, they’ll wonder what magic you wield to make people respect and like you.

It’s obvious that charming people get more affection from the opposite sex, get respected by strangers, and get the raise they want at work. Charming people have an easier, more enjoyable life.

The good news is if you have as much charm as a backyard rock, you too can transform into a captivating diamond. If you feel you’ll never outshine the one always topping you with a cooler line, relax then follow some of the best tips below to help you charm any man or woman.

Be Sociable

I was going to put “be nice”, but that can be interpreted as some of the worst advice ever. If you’re on a date, be nice to the valet people, waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and other service workers by smiling and saying, “G’day”. Ask them with genuine interest how their day is going. It’s charming to show friendliness to these people. If you’re a snotty snob, you’re looking worse by the second and the people around you will wonder how you do your hair so strategically to hide your horns.

Being sociable in everyday “micro-interactions” makes you charismatic. For a complete system to go from shy and lonely to sociable and talkative, get my Big Talk Training Course.

Show Confidence

This is undeniable. If you enter a social situation feeling good about yourself and looking your best, you’ll be fine. If you enter any situation with your tail between your legs worrying about doing something wrong, you probably will stuff up. That’s all I’m going to say about confidence as nobody can quickly tell you how to be confident.

Remember Arrogance is not Charm

Charm doesn’t mean you become Ron Burgundy, walk up to someone, then talk about how awesome you are. If two minutes into the conversation you’re bragging about your recent humanitarian efforts in Haiti and rattling off the titles of all the leather bound books in your office, you’re not a charmer; you’re an arrogant a-hole. Please stop talking. As you’re about to discover, real charm comes from receiving by doing things like being genuinely interested, not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Be Lively, Not Obnoxious

Whether you’re in a bar, at a restaurant, or attending an event in the park, if you’re the loudmouth that everyone can hear across the bar, they’ll want to punch you in the face. It’s not cute and it’s not charming to be the loud and obnoxious person.

Be Positive

I know I’m drowning you in cliches, but too many people I’ve talked to don’t understand how to charm men and women because of simple mistakes. Nobody wants to hang around Negative Nancy.

Being sarcastic and cynical is one thing, though it’s difficult to show that part of you in a non-negative way. I like to think of being positively sarcastic as a type of art form. It’s difficult to achieve, but you’re golden if you can properly execute it in a sparing manner.

Avoid discussing how much you hate your job, how bad your health is, how tasteless the music being played is, and how you’re having the worst hair day ever (even though you were just complimented on it). Steer clear of topics like death and suffering, but when they are brought up and others want to discuss them, you can talk about tough topics with a soothing calmness.

Complimenting people is one great way to be positive. I’ll briefly teach you how to compliment soon. When someone compliments you, avoid responding with, “Ugh, you think so? I don’t like it.” Graciously say thank you and leave it at that.

Show Interest

Many of us are inclined to start talking about ourselves once someone mentions their hobby, as in, “Oh you like traveling? I just got back from Guatemala. I was helping to pave that giant hole in the earth. Did you hear about that?”

Instead, ask about their travels first, otherwise you’ll look desperate to woo them with your God-like Earth-paving abilities and you’ll be made fun of as soon as you leave. Always ask at least one question when someone mentions their career or a hobby.

However, questioning itself doesn’t charm people. It’s how you lean forward, widen your eyes, and focus on the person’s every word that charms men and women. Pure presence is intimately mind-warping. You’ve got to experience it to know what I’m talking about. There’s a whole chapter on this in Big Talk that makes it easy to charm anyone.

As a rule of thumb, whenever someone shows interest in a topic, respond with equal interest or positive curiosity. Listen to what they say with genuine interest. Minutes will fly-by as they think you’re a great conversationalist. After being heard, they will be keen to hear the stories of your travels. Only then is it okay to brag about your Earth-healing adventure.

Keep in Mind Silence is Golden

Silence at the right time is charming. A silent look into someone’s eyes with a warming smile can say much more than hours of speech.

If you’re awful at moments of silence, practice showing interest in people and work on your listening skills. People have untapped knowledge deep listening digs up. If a guy is talking about a problem, listening intently helps him solve his own problems and it makes you look good! By actively listening you honor the talker’s thoughts and feelings and accept the person for who they are, which they’ll love you for.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Withhold Advice

Active listening means you withhold advice until the person is done talking. Keep your unwelcome or unnecessary opinions to yourself. If a woman goes on about how her family never listens to her, don’t respond with “It’s no wonder” nor should you give her your elite suggestions to solve the situation. (Feel free, though, to talk about me and refer her to TowerOfPower.com.au!)

Advice is 1 of 12 communication killers I give in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. You probably think you’re helping people with advice, but there’s four reasons solutions hurt relationships.

Show Your Sense of Humor

Men and women love a sense of humor. Whether you’re the equivalent of a stand-up comedian, sarcastic, sharp with your wit, dry or dark, don’t be afraid to let it show. Inhibition is the greatest barrier to being funny.

You likely abstain from humor in fear that it’ll make people laugh at you. Bad humor repels people more than not being funny so let your humor-radar carefully guide you through the social waters. If your sense of humor has you walk up to a woman to say, “I like my women like the preparation of a good coffee: ground up and in the freezer,” don’t count on getting far.

There’s hope for you to become funnier because humor is learned. Get Comedy Writing Secrets to learn how humor is structured.

Also, an unusual way to improve your sense of humor is to laugh. Laughter is after all, the other side of a sense of humor. Laughing gets you in a good mood and trains you to take yourself lightly. Also, we like people who laugh at our conversational humor. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex and spill your drink or twist up your words, laugh at yourself and relax about it. You can even playfully accuse the person for your accident: “Look what you did!”

Ease your way into humor by learning what works and what’s socially acceptable. Eventually, you’ll charm people with laughter.

Give Authentic, True, and Genuine Compliments

Everyone loves a compliment because it feels good to be admired, attractive, and appreciated. Men particularly love them because we naturally crave respect and honor. Love to a woman is like respect to a man. An effective compliment, nonetheless, charms any person.

Sincerity isn’t enough, however, for a compliment to make someone feel the triple As. Timing is also important. Showering someone with sweet words every hour is not attractive and takes away from the authenticity of everything else you say. A simple “you look great in that dress” or “you have beautiful eyes” is perfectly acceptable in small doses.

The last and most important factor to consider to give a killer compliment is figuring out what the person wants to be admired for. There’s no point praising a person on his shirt if he chose it with no care. However, if the person chose a shirt with the slogan “help save African children from Aids” because he worked in Africa for a few months fighting the disease, then the emotional connection he has with his shirt will make your compliment powerful.

Talk About Your Interests with Passion

Passion is infectious. If the person you’re talking to or interested in hears you speak with passion and enthusiasm about what you do, they will become more intrigued and inclined to notice those things as well. If you drone on about your job or how the last few vacations you took were a drag, you’ll come across as Debbie Downer or Derek Depressor that no one wants to travel with (or talk to). Unless, of course, they’re into taking a Jamaican cruise while listening to you rave on how the entire country is in shambles.

Balance Your Work and Social Life

Charming people have the time to charm people! You’re not going to win men and women over by sitting in your office cubicle or playing World of Warcraft to six in the morning. You can get out and better socialize with these 14 amazing social skills resources.

We’ve all used the “I can’t, I have to…” excuse on someone we’re not interested in, and have probably had it used on us. After awhile people are conditioned to think that anyone who says no or says they have another commitment is blowing them off because they’re disinterested. I’m not saying you have to cancel plans every time someone you’re interested in wants to spend time with you, but have a flexible schedule.

Few persons want to date or be friends with someone who always runs off to work. What’s more important if you frequently work instead of socialize? Do you think a charming person values work over his or her friends?

Be Ambitious

If you have some direction in your life and goals regarding where you see yourself in 10 years – even if your goal is purchasing a home, helping the homeless in your city get off the street, or getting a raise at your job – show something. Coming across as completely clueless with no goals or desires for your future means you’re not looking good.

For more tips with what you can do physically to improve your charm, a few key body language ideas follow.

Stand with Good Posture

An upright posture with your spine straight, your shoulders back and your chin up (not up the behind of the person you’re impressing, but not down at your chest, either) gived the added impression of self-confidence. Many people avoid standing this way because they feel uncomfortable or over powered, but over time standing with good posture will feel more natural and you will look better.

Relax Your Facial Muscles

As you’re reading this, your brow is likely to be a little furrowed, eyes squinted, and lips pursed. Maybe not all of these points, but some, right? Why are you doing this? Can you see the monitor just fine? Probably. Chances are you do some of these things when you’re out in public as well.

Tension is unconscious, but relaxation is conscious. A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm. Relax the muscles on your face to the point where you cannot detect tension. You may even want to make this a routine just before you enter a room to socialize.

Smile with Your Teeth

A smile that shows teeth is more appealing and more attractive than a smile with lips together. The later isn’t as natural and charming. Even if you don’t like your teeth, research proves showing them when you smile gives off more authenticity. It also helps show you’re enjoying yourself, which is a charming trait. Look your best and you’ll act your best. Your best is most charming.

Dress Comfortably

You may have worn an outfit that was “hot” or “appealing” or “fashionable,” but didn’t feel completely “yourself” in it. You feel wrong wearing something that isn’t you. You spend time adjusting, looking in the mirror and worrying you look ridiculous. It distracts too much of your brain.

The principle is this: get comfortable in what you wear or don’t wear it. Don’t go out of your way to wear something just because you heard it appeals to someone of the opposite sex. You’ll look more like a weirdo tugging at your outfit the whole night than if you wore your trustworthy outfit that hasn’t failed for years.

Authentic Charm

If you have yet to notice, charm is the art of having a good personality. And a “good personality” in this context is how good you are with people. Again, charm is good people skills.

Good looks is a part of charm, but even that forms your first impression with people so it relates to people skills. If you look good and you know it (and not in a cocky way), it will come through in your personality and you’re more likely to act your most “charming.”

Know who you are and be that person. If you’re trying to be the “smooth talker” and the next minute you’re the “jokester” and the next minute you’re the “quiet, flirty girl,” no one is going to buy it. Chances are, you’re a mix of all of those things. If you’re feeling shy, it will show. If you’re feeling flirty, it will show. I’m quite and flirty and work with that.

No matter what you do or no matter how hard you “try” to be charming, you’ll probably think someone is doing a better job than you, looks better than you, or seems to ease into conversation better than you. Don’t worry over another person’s antics. Let them be them and you be you. Comparing yourself to others devours too much energy better spent on talking and listening to an awesome person and charming their face off. Focus on doing that instead of mental mutilation.

Self-consciousness only hurts your ability to build friends. A charming person, after all, knows one’s charm is held in the eye of another man or woman.

(For hundreds more tips to help you make conversation, win friends, and get people thinking how great you are, check out the Big Talk Training Course.)

Over the past year I’ve collected some great resources on social skills I’d like to share with you now. Some are from friends of mine, myself, and just others who’ve given good insight into a topic.

From improving your social skills, overcoming anxiety, and starting a conversation, all the way to ongoing conversation, being charismatic, and making people laugh, here are some great resources I recommend you read even if they take you a while to get through (each of these great resources will open in a new window so you keep track of this page):

1. How to Improve Your Social Skills: 8 Tips from the Last 2500 Years

Henrik Edberg has some good social skills insight to share. A lot of what he discusses builds on from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Read some of his other posts on communication and socializing if you have the time.

2. 25 Ways to Relieve Anxiety

I mostly teach people how to deal with their past, rework their mind, and get into the present to overcome social anxiety, but this post has some good alternatives to deal with anxiety disorders. Read it if you’re shy and struggle talking to strangers. It’s unlikely to cure your social anxiety though it will help make you more comfortable in social situations.

3. 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

If you’re shy, read this post to discover three areas you fail in that make you shy, common behaviors you’re doing that encourage you to remain in your shell, and get 20 effective techniques to help overcome your shyness. The techniques are solid and have my recommendation in helping you become more social.

4. 101 Conversation Starters People Love

A goldmine from none other than yours truly. You get everything needed to start a conversation with anyone.

5. 40 Ways to Make a Great First Impression

Stay-tuned for this one in a month or so lined up for TowerOfPower.com.au. Read it first by subscribing to my eNewsletter here. I’ll let you know when it’s complete.

6. 7 Hacks to Remember Any Name

End the embarrassment of forgetting someone’s name by using seven neat mind-tricks. Charismatic persons like Richard Branson are masters at remembering people’s names. You may not become a billionaire by knowing John is John, yet people will feel special, you won’t feel awkward, and your relationships will be richer.

7. 3 Quick Ways to Never Let Your Conversation Run Out

There’s a lot of garbage advice out there on how to keep a conversation going. Most people just don’t know what they do to continually talk to anyone. You’ll want to read this short article by a guy called Schmidty to help you keep talking to people.

8. 10 Tips: How to Be Funny

Onto some cool skills now that make you a better socializer. Even if you’re a serious type of person, you can lighten and learn how to be funny. Your ability to make people laugh will win you many friends, business deals, and glances from the opposite sex that make you glee in delight.

9. 50 Body Language Secrets You Need to Succeed In Life

Though the start of the article mentions a major communication myth, you get 50 great little tricks to improve your often overlooked nonverbal communication. You can say all the right things when socializing, yet ignore your nonverbal communication and you may look like a weirdo. Get your body language down pat to be cool.

10. 10 Ways to Instant Charisma

You’ll notice this post on charisma summarizes points in other resources mentioned here. Read it if you want to become more likable and win the respect of people you don’t yet know.

11. Tips on Effective Listening

Listening is another topic of many where many “self-help experts” give ordinary advice like “maintain eye contact” and “repeat the person’s words”. There’s more to socializing, rapport, and friendship than the surface aspects of communication. Written by a therapist, this article on effective listening will have you more deeply connecting to people. Listening most times is at least 50% of a conversation so make sure you master this skill if you want to be popular and make cool friends.

12. Presence in Relationships

You might be surprised to see something about presence here. Someone “present” is in the Now. They are fully absorbed in the present moment. Presence is a secret skill in Big Talk. When you’re present in conversations, you’re free from anxiety and you deeply connect to people. You get the feeling of being in the zone as time and worry banishes.

13. How to Make Friends and Get a Social Life

Author Chris use to be a shy, awkward loser. I can call him that because I used to be as well and I’m linking to his article! If you’re not good at making friends and have a social life of stalking others on Facebook, you’ll get a lot of practical tips and theories in this useful resource.

14. How to Network with Busy People

I’ll finish this resource section off with a topic that is secret to success and dominating life. This 12-part series written by Steve Pavlina, who is possibly the leading self-help blogger on the internet, shows how to get in contact and build relationships with hard to reach people. Become a successful networker and life becomes easy because you have resourceful and trustworthy connections.

I hope you enjoyed these social skills resources. Make sure you follow me on Twitter and like Tower of Power on Facebook for more great resources, books, and lessons to build friends and influence people.

Have some really great resources on social skills to share with me and other ToP readers? Share them below!

The 101 great conversation openers are simple, yet don’t be fooled. They’re effective. The most important thing to keep in mind when using any conversation starter is they aim to start the conversation. “Ice-breakers” break the ice; they don’t heat up the planet and make mother nature flourish.

Conversational openers are not intended to make people laugh or get people to like you. Guys, you can make a woman think you’re a primal beast to be captured in the later stages of a conversation. Attempts to impress people with your first words makes you nervous, discouraging you to start conversations. It also makes you look like a try hard in need of approval.

What Makes a Great Conversation Starter?

The best conversation starters are situation-specific. Most openers given by dating experts, communication trainers, and bloggers are limiting because there’s very little chance they’d work in your situation. Try asking someone, “Have you ever been snorkeling?” or “Who’s your favorite TV attorney?” and the conversation may end as soon as it began (unless you’re in a diving class or in court…)

While generic openers and stock material can be used in most situations, use proven formulas like opinion openers to construct your own ice-breakers for situations you find yourself in throughout the week.

Here’s an exercise to help you develop excellent openers. Think of the top three situations you find yourself in like a coffee shop, supermarket, or place at work. Now think of 10 things to say in each situation.

Having done that, you already have 30 amazing conversation starters. Do that exercise to always know what to say to anyone. I encourage you to go over the massive list of openers revealed in this article applying the simple exercise you just did.

Alright, before we get started… most of the 101 starters you’d say “Hey” or “Hi” as your first words. I’ve let them out because it’d be redundant. Lastly, keep in mind some openers placed under one category like “Funny Conversation Starters” can be used in situations filed under other categories like “Conversation Starters for Guys with Girls”.

Let’s get talking and working through this gigantic list of ways to start a conversation based off my Big Talk Training Course. We’ll start off basic because that’s all you need in many situations:

Conversation Starters Anyone can Use in Any Situation

1. “I’m [your first name].” Most people reciprocate an exchange of information. Give them your name, they’ll give you theirs.
2. “How are ya doing right now?” “How’s ya day been so far?” Slightly vary the question, “How are you?” No one answers that trite question or gives it any thought.
3. “How’s your [the day of the week] been?” “What’s happened for you today?” “How was your trip?” “How’d you sleep last night?” We’re happy to talk about simple events when they’ve recently occurred.
4. “Hey.” Smile then walk away. Repeat each time and build to a casual conversation. Say it in an environment like a gym when you meet someone over and over. Eventually you’ll feel like friends and have something good to talk about. When you have something else to say, have the confidence to say it.
5. “What do you think of that book?” “Looks like a great drink. What is it?” “I love this place because it’s got great energy.” These examples are situational openers – the most common type of conversation starter. Simply comment on your surroundings.
6. “Where are you from?” This is best if you think the person is not from the area or the location is something like a seminar, convention, or university where people from diverse towns come together.
7. “I like your posture. It makes you stand out nicely.” “Nice shirt. Where did you get it?” “I love your style!” These examples are compliment openers.
8. “It’s so hot today.” “The great sun is burning this afternoon.” “It’s freezing! Do you know the temperature?” Talk about the weather. “Don’t knock the weather,” said American cartoonist Kin Hubbard, “nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.”
9. “I don’t know anyone around here so I thought I’d come talk to you.” “I’m a little nervous talking with strangers, but I just had to come say hi.” “I know no one here so I thought I’d introduce myself to you.” These examples are what I call the “vulnerable introduction”. Make your opener a disclosure of what’s filling your body with anxiety and you’ll endear people.
10. “I’m out meeting new, interesting people tonight. Mind if we chat for a minute?” “You guys look like you’re having fun. That’s so cool that I just had to come talk to you.” “I had to come talk to you because your shirt made me laugh.” Reveal your reason for approaching the person or group.
11. “What about the game last night!” “Yankees aren’t doing so well this season.” “You’re flowers are looking lovely.” Talk about something you know the person is interested in.
12. “I was just listening to radio on my way here and can’t believe what happened in Africa.” Study the news before an event to learn what’s hot.
13. “Normally people start a conversation by talking about what’s in the news, but I haven’t been paying any attention. What’s been going on? Is the President dead?” If you’re like me and never consume the daily news (it’s mental pollution from corporations wanting views or readership), ask about the news. Use humor whenever possible to release tension.
14. “I believe we saw each other at James’ party.” “I think we ran into each other at the trade event last month.” “Did we meet last year at Church?” Start by talking about previous brief interactions.
15. “How’s your Christmas preparations going?” “How’d the New Year go for you?” “Spring Break has been crazy. What’s happened to you at Spring Break so far?” Talk about holiday preparations, experiences, and fun times. The person is guaranteed to do something for holidays like Christmas making it a good opener.
16. Wear a big talk people-magnet. As described in my Big Talk book, big talk people-magnets are items people will approach you to talk about. Such items include earrings, jewelery, tattoos, an unusual hair cut or color, a pinned item on your shirt or top, or a slogan t-shirt. People want to talk to you so help put words in their mouth.

Cold-Read Conversation Starters to Use on Anyone

17. “You look like a [teacher/fashion designer/entrepreneur/some noble profession].” The person feels appreciated and always asks why.
18. “You seem like a [kind/hard working/problem solving/positive personality trait] person. I like that.” The compliment makes them feel great and leads you to talk about others without such a qualities.
19. “You look like a [outgoing/talkative/friendly/people-magnetic trait] person. I’ll talk to you!”
20. “I’m curious. Would your friends say you’re an [outgoing/understanding/open/positive personality trait] person?”
21. “I like your [necklace/shirt/hair/personal trait or item]. I bet that says a lot about your personality.” No one hates a compliment and someone interested in one’s personality.
22. “You guys know each from work?” “You guys look like you’ve been friends since school.” “You guys spending the night out together?” This one is good for groups. Predict their relationship with one another.
23. “I’m practicing a new skill called ‘cold-reading’ on people I don’t yet know. Let me quickly try it on you. It’ll be fun.” Confidently assert you’ll cold-read; don’t ask for permission.

Grab my free magical conversation starter for more great advice on coming up with your own cold-reads in conversation to instantly make people like you.

Conversation Starters for Guys with Girls

24. “I need a girl’s opinion about something I was just discussing with a friend who broke up with his girlfriend. He made out with another woman straight after his relationship break up. Is he a jerk?” Get a female opinion.
25. “I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.” “You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!” “Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?” Tease cheesy pick-up lines. Make sure you say the pick-up line in a joking manner.
26. “Who lies more: men or women?” “Is it wrong to break up with a text message?” Ask a controversial question to a group of women then watch their eyes open wide and hear the chatter break out.
27. “I want a woman’s perspective on this. I was just talking a friend who had broken up
    and his girlfriend keeps calling. Why does she do it?” Ask a question about someone’s relationship. Women love to share their opinion on relationships.
28. “You caught my attention because you’re cute so I had to come talk to you.”
29. “Nice boots. Do you have your horse parked outside?” “Nice shoes. They look comfortable.” “Nice top. My grandma has one.” Say it playfully. Lightly tease the woman about something she’ll giggle over. Be prepared for banter.
30. “Can I help you?” Ask this in a shop. Playfully pretend to be an employee.
31. “Are you friendly?” Say it with a suspicious look. “Good, I’ll talk to you.” No women will say no.

Conversation Starters for Girls with Guys

32. “I need a guy’s opinion on something that just happened with a friend. Would you read your girlfriend’s email if you thought she was cheating on you?” Get a male opinion.
33. “Where can I find a good coffee shop around here?” “I need help rubbing sunscreen on my back. I’m unfortunately not double-jointed. Can you help put it on?” “What’s a great country to visit?” Ask for his help. Guys love to give advice (as if you didn’t know that.)
34. “I’ll do a trade with you. You give me that burger and I’ll give you this awful coffee.” Make a playful trade. You can make up anything based on something each of you have at the time.
35. “Can you take a photo for me to send a friend?” Get him to join in the photo.
36. “Can you reserve my seat for me?” “Can you look after these books until I get back?” Ask him to watch something for you – just don’t leave your bag behind for him. You’re opening a conversation for your return, not putting the country at threat or testing if he’d make an honest husband.
37. “Nice [shoes/shirt/bag/material item]. I’ve been thinking of getting one for a friend. Where can I get one?” Question something you complimented.
38. “Oh! Sorry for bumping into you.” “Oh no! I’m sorry for spilling my drink on you.” The accident opener isn’t the best – you may have to spill a drink on the guy three times for him to pick up your interest in starting a conversation. Some women even burn men with cigarettes! Create an accident if you’re absolutely lost for words, but be careful you don’t do damage.
39. “You should come talk to me.” Walk away without giving him a chance to respond.
40. Shoo away your friends for a moment to be alone. Many guys talk to women in bars and clubs when the woman’s friends get a drink or go to toilet – it’s the guy’s chance to attack the lonely gazelle.

Conversation Starters for Families or Friends

41. “Where’s [Uncle Terry/New York crew/missing family or friend] today?”
42. “Are you going to Jim’s wedding?” “Weddings, births, birthdays are all memorable events families and friends can talk about. Divorces are memorable, but depressing.
43. “How have you been this past year?” “Great to see you. What’s changed in your life since the last time we met?” (recall the last time you met to get bonus points). Catch up on the person’s life – my favorite opener to use with family and friends.
44. Bring up a memorable moment or anecdote your family or friends remember like a funny story, an embarrassing mishap, or a trip everyone enjoyed. This starter initiates multiple conversations about similar moments.
45. “What do you have planned for the weekend?” “What’s happening for you Friday?” “What’s on your calendar this week?”
46. “What’s one thing you’re really thankful for?”
47. “Tell me a little known fact about you.” “What’s something I don’t know about you that you think I should know? Like, are you a stalker?” “What’s one thing I probably don’t know about you?”

Conversation Starters for Couples

Most of these are useful when the couple are already in dialog:

48. “What do you most admire about our [family/home/relationship/something with positive qualities]?”
49. “What’s one thing you’ve wanted to tell me, but haven’t?”
50. “I like how you smile when I come home from work.” Compliments replenish the energy in relationships often drained from criticism and lead to great conversations.
51. “In your dream house, what one room must you have?”
52. “What’s a memory between us that stands out for you?”
53. “What does this [flower/meal/atmosphere/something in the environment] remind you of?” Make sure the object you’re commenting on has history in your relationship.
54. “What three values do you most want our children to carry on throughout life?” “What principles do you want our children to live by?” “How do you want our children to best live life?”
55. “If you happen to leave Earth before I do, how would you like me to remember you?” You’ll discover the ideal image of your partner, which you can use to increase understanding and intimacy.

First Date Conversation Starters

56. “How am I doing so far?” Say it sarcastically once the date starts (you’re making fun of someone needy.)
57. “What’s the one defining moment of your life so far?”
58. “What’s one thing you most want to do?” Gather information for a later date to blow their mind away.
59. “What three words best describe you?”
60. “What’s something your friends don’t even know about you?”
61. “What’s the baddest thing you’ve done before?”
62. “What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?”
63. Talk about a funny, embarrassing moment you had with a member of the opposite sex to ease any tension.

Please don’t make the first date or any conversation a needy interview. Question sparingly.

Party Conversation Starters

64. “Do you know [the host's name]?” If they don’t, it doesn’t matter. You’re finding out how they fit into the party, an easy ice-breaker allowing for more conversation about the party and its people.
65. “What’d you get up to earlier today?”
66. “I love this party. People are just having fun. Are you having fun?” “This is an awesome night. How’s your night been?” “The people here are great and add to the fun. Having fun here?” You get the idea.
67. “You better win. I’ve got a bet going with a friend.” Apply this to a game of pool, darts, drinking competition – whatever game you’re bound to see at a party. If the person loses or wins, you’ve got good call-back humor to bring repeat laughs for the rest of the night: “You’re doing well tonight”, “I think you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning”, “I’m going to invest my house on you winning a poker tournament. Then you can win and we’ll go retire in Las Vegas and blow all our money.”
68. “I’m trying to settle a bet with a friend. How many oceans are there in the world?” Mention the bet then ask any piece of trivia.
69. “Can you help me opening this bottle?” Just make sure it isn’t a plastic screw lid on a soft-drink bottle. If you game like a ditsy blonde, cool by me.
70. If you’re hosting a party, get a conversation starter kit with questions on cards to break the ice. Table Topics are a company that make such cards for many occasions like parties, teens, couples, and the dinner table. You can by them here.

Conversation Starters at the Gym

Most people (who are serious about working out) don’t like to talk at the gym. Use the following openers to keep your chat short, leaving your conversation partner feeling respected:

71. “You look like you know what you’re doing. What’s a good exercise to target my lower abs?”
72. “Can you spot me?”
73. “How’s your workout going?” This is good to ask at the watercooler or when both of you are resting between sets.
74. “Can you check my form for this set and give me any feedback?”
75. If you’re female, ask a guy for help moving heavy weights. Let him catch your eye on his arms. He’ll love it. Every gym-going guy wants to flaunt his strength to women. Call it a primal mating dance to display his fitness for survival if you wish.

Funny Conversation Starters

76. “What was the best thing before sliced bread?” “In an emergency, why do you have to break glass to get a hammer to break glass?” “Can crop circles be square?” Pick a few stock ironic questions to ask anyone. Ask a question with a clueless, serious look then switch your body language over to “I’m playing around”.
77. “You know what they say about people who [run in the morning/drink espressos/talk to themselves/anything the person is doing]?” They’ll say, “No. What?” Giggle and leave the mystery open or say, “Nothing. I’m just messing with ya.”
78. “Why shouldn’t you take a Pokemon into the bathroom? He might Pikachu.” Tell a simple joke. Few people tell a joke to someone they don’t know – it’s never happened to me.
79. “What’s your biggest pet peeve?” People will usually giggle over their pet peeves because we know how silly little annoyances can be.
80. “My mum said I shouldn’t talk to strangers, but you don’t look scary.” “My grandmother said I shouldn’t talk to strangers, but you don’t look like you’d kidnap me.” People with a sense of humor will usually role play being scary or a kidnapper after such a playful opener.
81. “Look at that fighting couple. I’ve never seen so much love before.” This comedic technique is exaggeration. Observe something then exaggerate it too a humorous level.
82. Tell a funny story that relates to the situation.

Deep, Meaningful Conversation Starters

83. “When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?” This question allows both of you to reflect on childhood hopes and dreams.
84. “Are you a person who does their duty or forges their own path?”
85. “I’ve been asking a few people this and want your opinion because you seem like an intelligent person: is it more important to be understood or loved?”
86. “What do you like about this [music/event/holiday/almost anything].” Exploring people’s opinions instead of talking about objective facts makes the conversation personal.
87. “How does this [music/event/holiday/almost anything] make you feel?” Inquire the person about the affect something has on him or her.
88. “What were the highs and lows of your day, today?” Don’t ask unless you really want to know.
89. “What’s something you regret?” “What one thing would you change in your life at the moment?” “If you could go back in time, what one thing would you change?”
90. “What gives you the greatest joy in life?” “What makes you the happiest?” “If you’re about to die, what do you need to have done to be fulfilled?”

The effectiveness of these openers like many others depend on who you chat with. Asking a teenager, “Are you a person who does their duty or forges their own path?” may leave him or her thinking you’re a weirdo.

There’s more to selecting the right topic for a meaningful conversation, however. In fact, what you talk about has little to do with a deep conversation. A meaningful conversation is about connection. If you want to forge a deep connection with others, grab my Big Talk book.

Conversation Starters that Get People Talking

While most starters up to this point have been openers (your first few words), the following are good sticks to stir up a conversational fire. Think of them as “conversation starters that keep the conversation going”.

If any seem awkward, it’s a matter of bridging them to the relevant topic. Preface the following statements or questions with something to avoid looking like you have conversational ADD:

91. “What’s hot in your life at the moment?” Hear about the big event in the person’s life.
92. “What hobbies are taking up your time?” Much more interesting than talking about work again.
93. “What do you for fun?”
94. “What have you been doing in your time off recently?”
95. “What’s the first thing you notice about a person?” “In your opinion, what makes a good first impression?” “Jill has such a great personality. I wonder why.” Talk about what relates to building friends and influencing people. Ask interesting questions most people haven’t answered before.
96. “What countries have you been to?” People love to travel. If they haven’t been overseas, ask, “Where would you like to go?”
97. “If you wrote a book, what would it be about?” “What would you do if [he/the US President/Angelina Jolie/a known person] showed up right now?” “I wonder what your DJ name would be?” Make up an endless array of hypothetical scenarios.
98. “Have you ever [been to Australia/seen a monkey acting human/something unusually interesting]?” One off experiences start a good conversation.
99. “What’s the last thing you purchased online?” Online purchases aren’t a social experience so they can make an interesting conversation.
100. “What movies have you seen lately?” “What’s on your music playlist at the moment?” “Watched any good shows or DVDs recently?” “What book are you currently reading?”
101. “Last time we talked, you were… What happened?” “How’s your new job coming along?” “Who won the game of golf you said you had last time we talked?” Recall something from a past conversation or your current conversation.

Phew! I hope you enjoyed this whopper of a list. Never again can you excuse yourself from approaching people.

If these conversation starters fail to elicit much information from the person to get the conversation going, answer your own question and talk about yourself. The “rapid big talk model” I developed states that self-disclosure regulates the speed and degree two persons know each other. If you want someone to answer in-depth the question, “What hobbies are taking up your time?” describe your hobby for a few minutes.

You now have plenty of material to start a conversation with anyone anywhere. For more advanced conversation starters and proven formulas to keep a conversation going, check out my Big Talk Training Course. It’s the ultimate one-of-a-kind course to overcome shyness, stop being a loner, and always know what to say to make friends with anyone.

May you enjoy meeting new, interesting people!

I purchased Miller’s ebook. Upon opening it, I was surprised to see it was only 95 pages. I got a little angry, expecting more, because so many ebooks on persuasion, conversations, and communication- related subjects are small and contain little value. After finishing the ebook, however, I had received more techniques than some 300-page books I’ve read. Do not judge Miller’s book by its size like I did because you will get many mind control techniques to improve your conversations.

The Elite Social Control system shifts self-focused individuals to their conversational partner to improve the connection. This means the system will specifically help you if you suffer from self-consciousness, nervousness, or generally want people to like you more in conversations for better negotiations, dating, and general social situations.

It is not all mystical mumbo-jumbo. There are mind control techniques you can use that make better use of verbal and nonverbal messages. Your nonverbal communication influences people in the most unusual ways, which Elite Social Control will show you to dominate.

I particularly liked the eight secrets of magnetic statements. Miller teaches you how to make your words hook people into having a great conversation with you. His 13 pieces of advice to avoid repelling statements is just as good. You will learn good conversational etiquette that many people ignore, which I have not read elsewhere. Also, the advice he offers to relax your body language, change your voice, and improve your general image will help you become confident, comfortable, and likable.

While there are many conversation techniques I liked and never knew about, there was the occasional technique I hated because it leads into psychic material. Some people will like this, though I don’t. Regardless of your attitude towards such material, most of the book focuses on proven mind techniques and communication tricks. Many other techniques in the ebook are valuable tools to win people to your way of thinking, have positive conversations, and build solid rapport.

Hamilton also provides 10 magnetic moves and a few nonverbal tricks. As is true for most of the book, you’re given quick-fire techniques that attract people in conversations. “The Non-Analytical Look”, “Elite Gaze”, and “Four Steps to Chain Rapport” are solid tricks to help you in any conversation.

Overall, though it is short, it is concise and powerful. Its size is even beneficial because you can read it within 2-3 hours and quickly refer to it when you need to. If you are interested Hamilton Miller’s Elite Social Control to improve your conversations – for whatever reason – you can download your copy right now and be reading it within minutes by clicking here.

The telephone is a different medium to traditional face-to-face communication. What does this mean to you? Rules change and tips can be adapted to help you build your relationship. What does not change is the fundamental human psychology of the two individuals at either end of the phone.

Human psychology is about fulfilling needs and wants. You go to the grocery store to buy food to fulfill your need to eat. You buy an expensive shirt because you want to look good. You communicate with others to fulfill your social and identity needs. Attraction, intimacy, and friendship work on human psychological wants and needs. Because of this, you will see how these phone skills I am about to share with you can be adapted to your everyday conversations. Learning how to make someone fall in love with you is therefore neither manipulative nor deceptive as it is a matter of you fulfilling the person’s needs and wants through communication.

If you want others to literally fall in love with you and not just like you more, you must understand attraction. These tips are about building likability over a different type of communication medium – the phone – and do not act as a substitute for attraction. The tips I am about to give you to make someone fall in love with you over the phone, when applied with techniques to build attraction in women and men, can make the opposite attracted to you.

Learning these phone skills is a sure-fire way to build a strong relationship fast and have your new client wanting a business relationship, a friend staying connected with you, or a new acquaintance loving you. A stupid word of warning: do not begin avoiding people face-to-face once you realize the power of these phone skills!

They Need to Be Receptive

The first rule you must obey is checking the person you are talking to over the phone is receptive to you. Regardless of anything wonderful you say, nothing will matter if the person does not pay attention.

If the person has a young child howling louder than a wolf, you will be ignored. The person will hear, but not listen. Your messages will go no further than the other end of the phone line as the person’s mind is elsewhere, preoccupied with the distraction. When we do not have the time to talk, a distraction arises, or we need to do a task, the only thoughts running through our mind are similar to: “How long will it be until this damn person shuts up? I’ve got something to do!”

The first rule of receptivity over the the phone is to make it a habit of checking if the person can talk with you. Ask upfront if the person has time to talk. After the greetings, simply say, “Do you have a couple of minutes to talk?” This makes you courteous and unobtrusive on the person’s space.

The first rule of receptivity ensures the person is receptive at the start of the call and the second rule will make sure the person is receptive during the call. While talking on the phone, interruptions arise. Some can be undetectable, yet others can be heard over the phone. When you hear a baby howling, a door bell ring, or a loud bang, don’t ignore it! Say what sound you heard then ask if the person needs to attend it. The empathy you communicate by acknowledging potential interruptions will increase your likability and ensure the person is tuned in to what you say.

It’s You!

You’re going through a routine day walking down the street. The world is boring, people are getting through their day, and everything appears it would be the same without your presence. What happens though, if at the other end of the street you see a best friend you have not met for five years?

You see your best friend and your energy amplifies a gazillion times! Many memories, experiences, and feelings gush back to you in an intense emotional rush. You run up to the person. “It’s you! I can’t believe it!” Your ecstatic to stumble upon your friend!

The lesson you can learn from this is what I call the “It’s You!” technique. When you ring the person or the person rings you, say your normal greeting in an average mood. Once the person introduces himself, you become surprised, or rather energized, to talk with the person. Wait for the person’s introduction then amp up your energy as if you were talking to that old friend you saw on the street. This makes the person pleasantly thrilled to talk to you.

If you always talk energetically over the phone, your energy with the “It’s You!” technique will not have the sincerity and pleasant thrill because the high energy is normal for you. Only when you authentically convey happiness to be talking to the person more than you would with normal people does this technique work. The feelings of importance the person receives makes it a great technique to help them fall in love with you over the phone.

(In an article on how to be interesting without saying a word, I applied this escalating technique on smiling by gradually increasing your smile when you meet someone; instead of walking around smiling or instantly giving off a big smile. These two “escalation techniques” bring sincerity and warmth to your personality.)

Repeat Their Name

The fourth tip I recommend you whack into your new phone skills bag of tricks is mentioning the person’s name more often. As Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People writes, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Our names are a sweet tune of music to our ears. It is a fast way to build any relationship.

You need to know one warning about this technique. If you mention someone’s name too often, you come off as a try hard, needy, and desperate person – much like a poor salesman.

If you are like most people, you can comfortably increase the frequency you say the person’s name. You can get away with mentioning their name more often than in a face-to-face conversation because the phone is a different medium. The phone inhibits intimacy.

If the person begins to mentally drift away from you, hearing their name will reinvigorate their interest. The person can subliminally fall in love with you.

How to Make Up for No Body Language With Your Voice

Another difference you can take advantage of over the phone to enhance your relationships and make the person fall in love with you is countering the inability to communicate with body language. Our nonverbal communication is a large tower from where we broadcast strong signals. A simple message like “you’re funny” can be strengthened many times through body language. Some attraction experts even claim body language alone is enough to make someone fall in love with you.

Your nonverbal communication helps others understand you. Without the visual option to see one another over the phone, yours and their inability to read body language can hurt understanding, connection, likability, and attraction. Your voice is the only form of nonverbal communication over the phone, making it a powerful medium of communication.

You can improve your phone skills despite the lack of connection built through body language by communicating extra energy through your voice. I estimate varying your vocal tonality and energy an extra 30%. If you are happy the person did something well, put an extra 30% of energy in your voice when saying, “That is awesome! Congratulations!” If you are sad, lose 30% of energy in your voice by saying, “I’m… I’m sorry to hear that…” The change of energy communicated through your vocalics establishes empathy to build a connection with your partner. The person will have a feeling of being next to you, which will enhance your relationship fast.

Build Rapport

Rapport is being in sync with the person. It is the hidden key to make people feel connected to you. Establishing rapport ties in with mentioning the person’s name more often and compensating for a lack of body language via your voice because the two techniques build a connection that help the two of you get in sync.

Learning to build rapport over the phone is necessary if you want to build a strong relationship fast. Unfortunately, a complete guide to building rapport is far too complex to discuss in this article, yet the premise of it involves being like the person in as many ways as possible.

One particular characteristic of the person I highly advise you to match is their mood. Mood-matching helps you rapidly build a strong relationship and make someone fall in love with you.

To understand mood-matching, think back to a time when you were feeling unhappy and someone bounding with joy tried to cheer you up with their happiness. How did you feel afterwards? Most likely more annoyed! Their happiness did not relate to you because the two of you were at polarized emotional levels. The person was happy and you were sad.

You can better relate to people and build this “connection” I have been talking about when the two of you are communicating similar moods to one another. Mood is one of many communication factors you can match when talking to someone over the phone.

Rapport is slightly more difficult to create over the phone than in person because body language cannot be comprehended. You can, however, try to compensate for this with a 30% extra variance of energy in your voice.

When you combine all these tips to build a strong relationship over the phone with the ways to build attraction, you have the phone skills to make someone fall in love with you! Even better, these phone techniques are not limited to intimate love. You can apply these skills to potential clients, family members, and those annoying customers. The phone breaks geographic boundaries, but now you can break emotional boundaries.

Author Leil Lowndes gives 92 tricks to become a better conversationalist and improve your social relationships. From body language tricks and words to say, to telephone techniques and social tactics, it’s all in Lowndes’ How to Talk to Anyone, an attention-grabbing book on human conversations.

The 92 tips are spread throughout the following 9 parts:

1. How to intrigue everyone without saying a word: You only have ten seconds to show you’re a somebody
2. How to know what you say after “Hi”
3. How to talk like a VIP
4. How to be an insider in any crowd: What are they all talking about?
5. How to sound like you’re a peas in a pod: “Why, we’re just alike!”
6. How to differentiate the power of praise from the folly of flattery
7. How to direct dial their hearts
8. How to work a party like a politician works a room: The politician’s six-point party checklist
9. How to break the most treacherous glass ceiling of all: Sometimes people are tigers

As you can tell from the nine parts above, the book is pretty irresistible. Of course, a few of the 92 tricks won’t revolutionize your life, but even if you are a great conversationalist, you are bound to discover a few techniques to throw in your communication bag of tricks. Little techniques like the “big baby pivot”, “little strokes”, and “swiveling spotlight” add up to make you a conversationalist who can talk to anyone. If you don’t know what to say in a conversation or you generally struggle to talk to strangers, How to Talk to Anyone is bound to save you from drowning in conversations.

Part four titled “How to be an insider in any crowd” was the best part of the book for me. Some great tips were given on the topic of how to dial up a stranger’s hot buttons by talking about their topics of interest (Hint: It’s not asking them what they’re into). The advice is strongly applicable for all types of conversations. Whether talking to a celebrity or a stranger of the opposite sex, the gems shared in this part will be your go-to guide.

In each tip, Lowndes shares a story of her own or a friend’s story to demonstrate how the tip can be applied in real conversations. This makes the book a quick and practical read. The gray box at the end of each tip summarizes what you need to know and makes for a quick reviser to easily remember the flood of tips given to you. When combined with her amazing ability to write in an interesting manner – as she paints images in your mind with picturesque words – Lowndes will have you finish the book in no time and talking to anyone. I’ve been in contact with Leil after reading the book and she is as nice in person as her beautiful writing style.

How to Talk to Anyone is really a conversation skills book and not a relationship skills book. The relationship aspect of this book is about having the skills to initiate and keep a conversation going so you can start a relationship. There is, however, some good tips for maintaining strong relationships that can also be applied to improving your conversations.

To begin improving your conversation skills with 92 killer tips and never be left in the cold during a conversation, get your copy of How to Talk to Anyone from Amazon right now by clicking here today.

UPDATE: Leil has released a new book titled How to Instantly Connect with Anyone, which contains even more little tricks to talk and make friends with people. I’ve read it and it’s just as good as How to Talk to Anyone! I encourage you to get both books.

Mel Helitzer is a professor at the Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. Though a humorous professor seems to be an oxymoron, he has been described as the “funniest professor in the country” by Rolling Stone magazine. After reading this great book, I can see why because I found myself laughing on many occasions. The material he teaches works!

I purchased this book because I had heard great things about it and I wanted to be able to teach others how they can be more humorous in conversations. The book’s title doesn’t do it justice as it isn’t just good for writing funny. It’s also a good door stop. (Okay, I’ll have to work on my understatements in humor.) It is a great book to become a funnier person. If you’d like to be able to write a few funny jokes for your speeches, have funny conversations, cheer up your spouse, or make your team at work laugh, then you’re bound to find this book a great read.

Some people will be skeptical of this book and any book that teaches people to be funny. These people say things like, “You can’t teach people to be funny” and “You’re either naturally funny or not”. If humor can’t be learned, it would be impossible for comedians to improve their acts as they wouldn’t be able to become funnier. Humor is a communication skill that can be learned like any other. It is also valuable like any other.

Comedy Writing Secrets starts off by addressing these issues people have with comedy and humor in the first section plus a few other issues commonly related to humor, like uncovering why we laugh. The reader is given many techniques in the second section to be funny like understatements, exaggerations, play on words, paired elements, triples, and realism to name a few. The third and last section deals with creating humor for specific situations like speeches, cartoons, cards, salesperson, radio, television, newspaper columns, sitcoms, and stand-up comedy. People not interested in comedy writing can skip the third section of the book. The meat and potatoes of learning how to be funny is in the powerful second section.

It is said to be the number one book on learning to write funny so it is a quality book that primarily deals with content. There a few tips on how to deliver humor, such as not giving away the surprise part of your joke away with your body language and using silence to build tension, but the book is mostly about constructing the right words to be funny.

The book is filled with hundreds and hundreds of classic examples from comedians like Woody Allen, Bill Cosby, and Chris Rock, plus many lesser known persons. The examples are well fitted with techniques described by the author so you’re sure to clearly understand why humor works while getting plenty of laughs.

The power behind this book is in the exercises you do at the end of each chapter. The exercises provide a step-by-step guide to write funny jokes. If you do the given exercises, which can take anywhere from 1 to 30 minutes per exercise, I can nearly guarantee you will be developing your own original jokes. Keep in mind that the book isn’t just about developing jokes, but learning how to construct humor so you become more natural at it. Once you do the exercises, you’ll find yourself naturally using the techniques in conversations.

For your laughter, or lack of it, here’s one I made myself in an exercise from an early chapter:

My wife always complains about the two of us not having luxurious meals. We sit down at the dinner table and she’ll nag me about wanting to have a nice meal in a restaurant. One angry night she told me, “Come on! Take me out!” I finally had enough of her nagging so I agreed and took her out… with a shotgun.

It ain’t the best joke, but like all humor, some people will find it hilarious while others will think it’s stupid. I never made up a joke before and can’t even remember more than 10 jokes. If I could do it with the step-by-step exercises, so can you.

Overall, I was impressed by the book. This is my first book I’ve read on becoming funny as I’ve always naturally been a funny person (humor must be the only communication skill I’m naturally good at!), but now I understand why things are funny and how to be funnier. It is a great book that I recommend you get if you’d like to have a laugh, feel good, and become a funnier person. You can grab your copy of Comedy Writing Secrets from Amazon by clicking here today.

(If you want to be funnier around friends and in general conversations with people, get my Big Talk program then once you download the course, you’ll have a rare one-time opportunity unavailable anywhere else to download a report that’ll show you how to make people laugh without telling jokes or being a clown.)

If you are woman wanting to start a conversation with an interesting guy, whether it is online through things like MSN, Facebook, and Myspace or face-to-face or text, you must work through two primary challenges or steps. The first step is to overcome your fears, anxiety, and other “inner game” problems. Even if you think you are confident – because you are reading this article wanting to know how to start a conversation with a guy – that tells me you need to solve inner game problems rather than have me write you a few magical lines to use on a guy you like. The second step defines what you say and how you say it. Let’s look into these two steps throughout the article.

Why Friends are Easy to Talk With

Why do you find it easy to talk with friends, but you do not know what to say to a guy you like? The answer is: you know your friends. This makes it easy to talk about a lot of things, which proves the point I want to make: you are able to talk to your friends because you do not feel vulnerable to them. You can talk to your friends because you are unconcerned about their judgments of you. This opens a floodgate of conversational topics that are suppressed when you try to start a conversation with a guy.

Contrast talking with your friends to talking with a guy you like. When you try to start a conversation with a guy, you can talk about a million subjects, but you say nothing because you worry about him liking you, saying the wrong thing, or making a fool of yourself. Your negative thinking chokes your ability to converse until the conversation dies. You don’t think like this around friends. It is important to sort out these inner game issues that prevent you from starting a conversation so you can become a confident woman that naturally attracts men.

Let’s say a girl comes across a guy at a shopping center she wants to get to know. She tries her best to think of something to start the conversation, but her mind is blank. She has inner voices telling her negative things such as, “You can’t do this”, “He won’t even like you”, and “You’ll just make yourself look bad and embarrass yourself”. The lady has already lost her inner game. She is not going to start a conversation with destructive thinking.

Her mind isn’t really blank, however; her destructive pattern of thinking gives her the mind blank. When you suffocate your mind with destructive thinking, you cannot start a good conversation. Winning on the outside starts with winning on the inside. Before you win in the conversation by starting a good conversation, get your inner game into shape. Do not worry what to say when you cannot even speak.

I am going to hone in on how girls can start a conversation with a guy by firstly looking more into your inner game, then we will look into techniques that you can use to start a conversation with a guy. Moreover, these are fundamental conversational rules that can be used for anyone in various situations – they are not limited to girls starting conversations with guys.

Reframing Your Mind

The first path you need to hop on to improve your inner game is boosting self-awareness. Be self-aware of your inner dialog, the language in your mind. I know it is easier said than done so I’m going to teach you one of the most powerful personal development techniques to fight limiting thoughts.

Motivational speaker Wayne Dyer uses the phrase “no limit thinking” to release people from self-limiting beliefs. These beliefs empower or disempower us from anything we do. William James, a 19th century psychologist that pioneered American psychology, said:

“The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. To perceive the world differently, we must be willing to change our belief system, let the past slip away, expand our sense of now, and dissolve the fear in our minds.”

You must release yourself from these beliefs to confidently start and maintain a conversation. Be a no limit thinker. Remove the limits you have placed on yourself by using a technique called “reframing”.

Reframing is not a difficult technique. It has you change your interpretation of a situation. Your aim with reframing is to create thoughts congruent with your goals and repeatedly affirm these thoughts to yourself. The better you get at adopting a “no limit thinking” approach, your confidence improves as does your ability to talk with people.

The girl at the shopping center would use the reframing technique by repositioning her current negative thoughts to positive ones about having a great conversation with the guy. Below are some negative thoughts the girl in our example is trying to overcome and to the right of each limiting thought is a good reframe the girl could use:

Negative Thought	Positive Thought Using the Reframing Technique
“I’m nervous.”	“I’m nervous because I care about the situation.”
“I won’t start the conversation well.”	“I will start the conversation well as I can do with my other friends and other people.”
“I’m afraid.”	“I wasn’t afraid last week when talking to a new guy so I don’t have to be afraid now.”
“He is so amazing and too good for me.”	“He farts, burps, and itches himself like any other human.”
“He won’t like me.”	“I don’t care if he won’t like me because I’m the prize. He is the one losing.”
“I don’t have anything to talk about.”	“I have thousands of thoughts that can be used to start a conversation.”

Can you see how easy and powerful it is to overcome the limits you place on yourself? Reframing is an amazing technique. It may take a minute or two to come up with a positive interpretation of the situation, but with practice you’ll become faster and better at it. It can be used in almost any situation to boost your confidence, improve your happiness, and help you succeed.

Now that you have fought off your doubts, fears, anxieties, and uncertainties about having a conversation with the guy, you can approach him and start a conversation. I’ve found that once people improve their inner game with the reframing technique, the second part of this article that provides conversation starters naturally happen. People can start a conversation easily because they reframe the situation, which makes them feel confident and able to talk about anything. Nonetheless, I will share effective techniques and conversation starters below. The reframing technique frees your mind to start conversations, but it is reassuring to have techniques you can rely on to start a conversation.

Situational Starter

To use the situational starter technique, all you do is notice your surroundings. Preferably make it something the other person is aware of or would be aware of once you use it.

In the shopping scenario, the girl could talk about things like the hastiness of shoppers or the weather… Wait. I hear you say this technique sucks. Talking about the weather is the simplest and worst use of the situational technique. It is boring and too common. Both examples would probably be ineffective in the shopping situation, but they can work when delivered by powerful nonverbal communication.

I encourage you to be more creative with situational starters. To make better use of this technique, use more in-depth situational influences for effective conversational starters. These rely on your creativity and involve discussions on unusual things about the situation. Your conversations will be more fun once you follow this advice.

I will give you some examples of good situational starters the girl in our shopping example could use to start a conversation with a guy she likes. The girl could ask the guy how to locate a specific store or item; she could ask him where he got his hat because she would like to buy one for her brother; given the guy looks about 20 years-old, she could ask him for his opinion on whether her 20 year-old guy friend would like an item she thinks this guy has an interest in. This last conversation starter is more of an opinion opener, another good technique to start conversations, yet it still involves reading the situation. Use the situational starter or an opinion opener with creativity, and you have all you need to start a conversation.

You can get more conversation starters to use on guys you like and other people by reading an article I wrote titled “101 Conversation Starters“.

What to Talk About

Once you have started the conversation, the biggest difficulty is overcome. The conversation gets easier with time, but you still need to keep the conversation going. Starting a conversation means nothing if it stops dead. You have overcome your inner game issues, you have approached and started a conversation with him, but if you do not keep the conversation going you are in trouble. I will list some techniques and tips you can use to keep a conversation flowing nicely with a guy, but browse the conversation skills section for more great tips.

What should you talk about? One thing you must not talk about is a boring topic. Do not, and I repeat, do not bore your conversational partner to death. You can avoid boredom by avoiding normal conversational topics such as the weather. Talk about passions, interests, conspiracies, and relationships. It is pretty simple to avoid boredom by talking about topics that have emotion! Talk about topics each of you are emotionally involved in to create an emotional link the two of you will remember.

If you don’t know an interesting topic, let the person be the topic. Myself and other guys love to talk about themselves. It’s only natural to talk about yourself because it’s the easiest topic to talk about. You can harness and leverage this with the guy by asking good open-ended questions.

An open-ended question is a type of question that takes more than a few words to answer. Examples of open-ended questions include: “What do you think about…?” “What’s something interesting you got up to last week?” and “Why do you enjoy…?”

In the shopping scenario, let’s say the girl started the conversation by asking the guy, “Excuse me. I’m after a basketball for my brother. I thought you’d know a bit about it and was wondering what advice you could give me?” The girl would listen attentively using positive body language and show other forms of interest in the guy’s answer. If he doesn’t know much about basketballs, it does not matter. She could then keep the conversation going by asking him, “What things are you interested in then?” What matters is she has broken the ice and started a conversation.

She can increase her chances of keeping the conversation going by asking for his advice on an item she thinks interests him. Again, this uses the opinion technique and is valuable to make someone talk to you. She can guess what he is interested in by looking at his clothes, his friends, what he is currently doing, or anything else that is noticeable. The girl can ask him for his advice on buying a basketball because he is wearing a basketball jersey. She can keep a conversation going by observing the guy, listening carefully, and being a good “detective” snooping around for information.

How to Keep a Conversation Going with “Branches”

Once she asks for his advice and listens attentively, she can keep the conversation going by building onto what I call “branches” that grow from a conversation. Branches are more in-depth discussions about the topic, or even another topic, by listening carefully to what is discussed. There are literally thousands of branches to a statement like, “I enjoy shopping with my friends.” Branches from this could be shopping experiences, stories related to shopping, and why you’re currently shopping.

The girl’s question of, “What things are you interested in then?” is one example of a branch. Another example of branching the girl in our shopping example could use, which continues from the guy’s reply to her question about basketballs, is: “Thanks. You do know a lot about basketball. How did you get all this knowledge?” She can build a conversation about the item and branch out into related topics she thinks the guy is interested in depending on his energy when speaking on the topic.

What If You Fail and Get Rejected?

If you do make a mistake and stuff up the conversation with a guy you like, do not worry. Use the reframing technique by saying things to yourself like, “I stuffed up and am now smarter for next time” or “I don’t care. I’m the prize.” Failure is just another step towards your success of effortlessly starting and continuing conversations. With enough practice, you will achieve conversation mastery.

From this article you have improved your inner game, you know how to start a good conversation, and you know how to keep an exciting conversation going. All that is left for you to do is put the techniques to use when you find yourself wanting to start a conversation with a guy you want to meet. Let me know how it goes for you!

Lastly, if you want to learn more about how you can become a more confident, mature, attractive lady that naturally attracts men, there is one online resource I recommend you learn more about: Catch Him and Keep Him. Catch Him and Keep Him is an ebook by Christian Carter to help you become a better woman so you can find and keep Mr Right. Click here to learn more about it.

Two years following the incident in a New York Times article covering this story, it was reported that Jason raised his grade average to 4.614, which exceeds the perfect average of 4, by taking advanced courses. He graduated with highest honors.

How can someone as smart as Jason do something so dumb? Jason received above perfect grades and still emotionally lost himself by trying to severely wound his teacher. The answer? Smart can be dumb. Smart is not communication-dumb because studies show there is little or no correlation between IQ and emotional intelligence, but in this article we’ll look at how logical intelligence can hurt a person’s emotional life.

This article may generate controversy, but I feel I give a balanced discussion in sharing my experience, knowledge, and getting you to think deeply about the topic. Whether you are intelligent, “mentally-challenged”, or curious about this topic in understanding those smart people in your life, I am sure you will get a lot of useful advice from this article.

Being a somewhat smart guy myself, it is painful to hear that intelligence – such a useful characteristic to possess – may be harmful. It is tough to imagine a quality highly praised by society is detrimental to communication. For this reason, take a deep breathe now, relax, and open your mind to the possibilities of bettering your communication to improve your life.

During my early university years, I regarded myself as an intelligent guy. I was no Einstein, but I got good marks in Mathematics, Physics, and other technical subjects. This lead me to start a degree in Engineering, majoring in Mechatronics, an area of study that integrates mechanics, electronics, and computing. I would be able to design robotics and cybernetic systems – the wave of the future. I thought such skills would surely give me an edge in life.

After one year of study with decent marks, I began to see two major classes of students. The first category of student turned up to few lectures, partied every weekend, enjoyed a great social life, and did minimal work to pass courses. The second category of students were intelligent, hard workers, got good grades, and were very focused on their studies. Surely these intelligent and hard-working students would fill the great jobs before the other, more lazier, class of student?

Not so. Students are often shocked upon graduation that their qualifications are not as important as they once thought. In school, students are lead to believe their academic knowledge is the primary determinat of a great job and success. Howard Gardner in Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences defines various types of intelligence and emphasizes that schools are too focused on logic and linguistic intelligence. Robert Kiyosaki in Rich Dad, Poor Dad is a more famous author that demotes the common belief that the government’s education system leads students to wealth and success. Malcom Gladwell’s Outliers contains further proof that IQ has very little correlation with achievement.

Graduates enter the workforce only to realize that co-workers hate them, less intelligent people are the ones receiving promotions, and sucking up to the boss doesn’t help their personal earnings. The students have the “hard skills” such as technical know-how, but they lack the “soft skills” such as conflict management and other human relational skills. The transition for intelligent people from being goal-oriented to process and people-oriented is usually realized through the hard school of knocks, experience.

If you have experience in hiring people, you know the importance of people skills. Educational skills are useless in some industries when people skills are absent. You can have great ideas, theories, and solve complex problems, but if you cannot effectively communicate that material in a persuasive and exciting manner by relating to your fellow human, you face an uphill battle in whatever challenges you encounter. It’s not that people dislike you because of your intelligence; it’s that people dislike you because you’re rude, not understanding, or annoying to be around. The intelligent person with poor communication skills is insensitive or unaware of other’s emotions.

Hopefully I can reveal the elusive obvious to you in this little exercise. I want you to think back to primary school or high school. Perhaps even college. Select the most memorable class to you.

I want you to categorize, and roughly rank, class members based on two sets of criteria: intelligence and popularity. You don’t need to go through every class member, but recall those at the end of each spectrum. That is, remember the smartest few in the class and the most popular few in the class. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, give a person a rank of ten in intelligence if you feel they were the most intelligent in the class. For the students who had lots of friends, give them a ten in the popularity category. Try to categorize roughly six students. If you have problems remembering, quickly write the ranks down on paper.

Now, with the students you have ranked in one category, I want you to rank them in the other category. So if you have ranked the smartest student as a ten in the intelligence category, give the person a rank you feel is appropriate in the popularity category. Do the same for the students you ranked in the popularity category.

Now that you have got several people in each of the two categories, think about the difference between each student. The purpose of doing this exercise is to help you see the contrast between intelligence and people skills.

Genius-Failure Paradox

Chances are if you are like most people and myself, you would have noticed something distinguishable from the exercise. Those who were smartest in the class were generally not very popular due to poor social skills. (I know there are other measurements of communication than only popularity). They did not have good people skills. Presumptuous? Likely, no.

All intelligent people do not have poor people skills nor does all unintelligent people have good people skills. I know people will say, “But I know someone who is smart and great with people.” Good. So do I. Intelligence and people skills are not mutually exclusive characteristics! Having one does not mean you cannot have the other.

What I’m proposing, which has been touched on and backed by a couple of authors and teachers, is that academically intelligent people fail in predictable areas of their lives – and they don’t want to solve the dilemma. The genius-failure paradox describes that people who must feel smarter, wealthier – or generally superior – to others refuse to seek help in dealing with people. (You can read more about superiority, inferiority, and the self-image.)

It is nothing new to say that intelligence does not equal success. Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence, says that IQ is too narrow to predicate success. The implications of emotional intelligence, which is summarized as an understanding of your emotions and the emotions of other people, are profound in communication and many areas of life. “Emotional Intelligence is a master aptitude, a capacity that profoundly affects all other abilities,” says Goleman, “either facilitating or interfering with them.”

The original version of this book was written in 1937 with 5,000 copies available. Word then quickly began to spread the globe about the value contained within the book with over 16 million copies now in print. Business owners, salespersons, and generally people who are interested in better relating to their fellow human being, have constantly referred to How to Win Friends and Influence People over the years as the best book you can read on the subject.

Classic Literature

In every subject there are usually one or two books people categorize as “must-read” if you are to succeed in the subject. In the wealth world there is Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich and Wallace Wattles’ The Science of Getting Rich. In the advertising world there is Claude Hopkins’ Scientific Advertising. In the self-help world there is Maxwell Maltz’s Psycho-Cybernetics or The New Psycho-Cybernetics. While in the human relationships and communication skills world, the number one book to read is How to Win Friends and Influence People. There are people of course who disagree with this, but there are substantial numbers of experts in their respective industries that refer to these books as the best ones you can read. (I strongly encourage you to read these classic books as they are original sources of most self-help information taught today.)

Most of these classical books mentioned date back to 1920. They are the pioneers in their respective industry. Books that discuss the psychology of financial success to this day use the exact same principles mentioned in Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich. The same goes for other self-help classics like James Allen’s As A Man Thinketh. How to Win Friends and Influence People is no exception. Nearly any communication skills book today mentions a principle originating from the book, whether it be to show interest in people or to avoid criticism. It is the authority book in human relations.

If you are not familiar with self-help classics, you may wonder how the heck these books written in the early-to-mid 1900s be useful today? Surely humanity has made many superior discoveries that exceed this “old school” material?

I use to think books today were superior to self-help classics. I heard hundreds of people praise How to Win Friends and Influence People. I thought the book was most people’s introduction to communication skills. I thought, “Sure, the book is great because it’s your first experience in learning the amazing effect of good communication.”

There is something to do with learning about a subject from its original pioneers, however, that makes the information powerful.

What I later found, which is what many people experience, is that by reading the book one time every year you encounter new realizations. Life-changing insights are also frequently experienced by many people upon re-reading Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich. I believe this is because your awareness and experience in the present is not enough to completely grasp the principles in these classic books.

Fundamental People Skills

After reading the 2007 edition of this book, I realized the book’s four parts, which deal with techniques to handle people, ways to make people like you, winning people to your way of thinking, and being a successful leader, are fundamental skills of all human relations. I consistently refer to these principles in my articles and other teachings. The important point I want to distinguish is that fundamentals are not basic skills. Fundamentals in any area form a solid framework for further skill development.

An athlete cannot become good at his or her sport by failing to develop its fundamentals. Sport coaches will tell you that an athlete who does not have the right fundamentals is tough to coach because every skill builds from the foundations laid by fundamental skills. Professional athletes always fine tune their fundamental skills because they know the profound affect such skills have on their professional abilities. Advanced techniques are only useful when the person knows the fundamentals. Also, having good fundamentals produces an exponential effect that puts you ahead of 95% of people, while advanced techniques in any area produces a slight improvement that gives you an edge of the 5% who also have sound fundamentals.

Tiger Woods still improves his fundamentals, but he can work on perfecting his 2 iron stinger where he hits the ball with a very low trajectory, while the average golfer is better off focusing on fundamentals like a better grip, stance, and pre-shot routine. The skills taught in How to Win Friends and Influence People constantly need to be revisited and worked on regardless of how good you think you are in communication.

More Specifics of the Book

At the start of each chapter, Carnegie discusses the chapter’s principle. He then provides an example of how someone, mostly students from his speaking course, have applied the principle in their business or family life. The stories themselves can be a revelation at times as you become aware of how and in what situations the principles can be applied.

The majority of the book discusses concepts instead of word-for-word techniques. One principle is making the other person feel important. Carnegie doesn’t tell you to say exactly this and that. He provides the “what”, which is the concept, with a little bit of the “how”.

The table of contents is below:

The principles of each part are nicely summarized at its end so you can easily review and memorize them. Each principle may seem simple at times, but don’t let simple deceive you from its power. These are powerful principles still changing the lives of those who read the book five or more times.

If you don’t already have a copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, you need to go grab your copy now from Amazon by clicking here.