The Greatest 15 Myths of Communication
#10 Myth: Intellectual intelligence equates to good communication
Emotionally intelligent people are often good communicators, but they are not necessarily intellectually smart. Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ says, “IQ and emotional intelligence are not opposing competencies, but rather separate ones.” A person with a high IQ does not automatically get high emotional intelligence and good communication skills. Someone with a low IQ can have equally good communication skills as someone with a high IQ.
In one of my popular articles “Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills”, I say that smart people do not necessarily have poor communication skills. However, smart people tend to have predictable communication flaws from certain habits, traits, and thoughts. A few of these problems include the: need to criticize, tendency to find faults, use of complex words, and need to prove intellectual intelligence by showing off one’s knowledge.
Amazingly, some of the most empathic, caring, understanding, attentively good conversationalists I have met were in mental institutions. They were not psychologists, therapists, or receptionists, but were patients these professionals were looking after. People labeled them as “dumb”, but they were good communicators. The seemingly incompetent we dub as dumb can be smart communicators.
#9 Myth: The message sent is the message received
This myth may hurt your relationships every day. Thinking the message you send is the message people receive makes you vulnerable to fighting with people important to you. There’s one word that explains this ugly problem: interpretation.
How we interpret a person’s message depends on many human characteristics like memory, beliefs, and values. Your mother sees your child hurt his knee so she tells you, “You need to look after your kids.” Though your mother was expressing a concern for any child’s safety, you become offended because you interpret it as, “I’m failing to look after my kids.” As another example, a guy playfully tells a girl who looks at him, “Hey, stop checking me out.” The girl may interpret the guy’s message as, “He’s confident, playful, and challenging” while an onlooker may interpret the guy’s message as rudeness.
The next time you talk to someone, stop assuming the message you send is the message someone receives. You can improve your communication skills by being conscious that people will interpret your message differently than you intended it to be understood. Ask a person for their understanding ensures the two of you share an accurate understanding. Additionally, you can tell people your understanding of what they say to ensure clarity and logical harmony.
#8 Myth: Adapting to people is necessary for good communication
Change to the moment can be good. Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power teaches “formlessness”. He advises people to adapt to other’s individuality and rely less on past experiences to interact with the present. What skill you have successfully used on someone will not necessarily work on someone else. Adaptability is the key to surviving and thriving. I back Robert Greene’s 48th law and teach such things myself.
Adaption is important for healthy relationships. A failure to adjust your mood to a person’s mood can result in severe conflict. NLP practitioners advise people to build rapport with someone by mirroring their body language. Generally, fine-tuning your body language and words to a person’s emotional needs boosts your social performance. However, adaptability can be beneficial and harmful to your communication.
When you overlook your own needs or feelings to adapt to social situations, a trade-off often takes place: People who make good impressions, while overlooking their own needs or feelings, suffer from poor, unstable relationships. Emotional suppression and ignorance is dangerous.
The everyday social implication of adaptability is a superficial attitude. Dr. Brian Spitzberg, a professor at the School of Communication in San Diego State University and co-editor of The Dark Side of Close Relationships, says the myth of adaptability hurts people’s communication skills. “If everyone is adapting to everyone else’s adaptations,” says Dr. Spitzberg, “people become chameleons in a paisley room, disabled by the shifting pattern of their social context. Adaptable people can come across like a chameleon as they change their ‘face’ for each person with whom they interact.”
#7 Myth: Communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem
Ah, the dreaded fear of talking about a tough issue. Fear’s purpose is to protect us from danger, but it too often stops us from intimacy and happiness. The excuse of “communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem” is an excuse to avoid the uncomfortable. We fabricate reasons to procrastinate on important conversations that will change our life.
Anyone who has regrettably divorced will tell you their disappointment in how their ignorance to one or two minor issues for years ultimately destroyed the relationship. You waste time, energy, money, and emotion in delaying a difficult conversation in fear it will worsen a problem. Susan Scott in her bestselling Fierce Conversations encourages us to “come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real.” “Being real is not the risk,” says Scott. “The real risk is that: I will be known, I will be seen, and I will be changed.” (Susan’s book provides techniques for difficult conversations while my Big Talk book covers the mindset of tough conversations. I recommend you get my Big Talk program to help you understand and face the fear and psychological torment of issues difficult to talk about.)
#6 Myth: You cannot communicate
Another common communication misconception, and a reason nonverbal communication is powerful, is you cannot not communicate. In other words, it is impossible to avoid communicating. You can try all you want to ignore someone, but you still communicate.
People think that ignoring someone avoids communication with the person. If you choose to completely ignore someone, you communicate ignorance to that person through your body language and unwillingness to talk. Shy individuals who avoid conversations and remain alone, communicate disinterest in people and a lack of self-love from infliction and social anxiety.
By telling someone “I’m not talking to you”, you already have lied because your body language will communicate a message to the person that you are ignorant. Additionally, your silence could communicate that you are a stubborn person. When someone gives you the “silent treatment,” do you interpret the messages they communicate to you? Yes! Perhaps they communicate stubbornness, ignorance, rudeness, or cruelty through avoidance. It is impossible to avoid communication.
Click the next page number to continue reading: 1 2 3
About the Author
Did this Article Interest You?
1) Tell friends, coworkers, and family about it by clicking the "ShareThis" link near the green button in the gray-colored box below. 2) Reprint or quote the article under the conditions described here. 3) If you're not signed up to the Tower of Power (ToP) newsletter, get your free trail-subscription to receive more great articles and advice. Simply enter your name and email below to sign up now:
Update: What are your favorite songs to hype you up for pumping iron? For me, anything by King Tiesto.
Myths 3,4,and 5 and 14 and 15, while seems acceptable as myths in few restricted contexts, I have some doubts still whether there is sufficient justification in identifying them as “true myths” when we are concerned with success in communication? could you further enlighten on these points,for example, with generalized examples from concrete situations of life?
Hi Joshua
First of all I’d like to say you are god sent,
I’ve always thought of myself as an introvert but reading your newsletter on 15 myths of Communication i realized something very significant to my personality, myth #6 opened my eyes because I come across as this quiet reserved person and have always told my self i cannot communicate. guess what I was wrong!
And myth#5 Meaning is in words, I had tears in my eyes reading that “You don’t react to a person’s words; you react to your meaning of a person’s words.” I always took everything people said according to what they say but never reading it according to my meaning, that always held me back.
Thank you so much, looking forward to further communication with you.
Your articles always address an issue in my life. This work is perfect, interesting, and above all an antidote to my communication problems.
It’s such an amazing new discovery, at least you came to put our feet on the right track. Sometimes we may feel new ideas, but we don’t have any scientific prove to guide us…until you came.
I need your ideas. I need revolution. I believe in your faithfulness, but still have one question: As a mother and as a teacher, I thought myself to be the most successful mother or teacher of all the world, but it turns to be that I’m the worst; not because I’m so bad. I don’t know there are so many situations where I suffer from real failure. I’m really disappointed, because I couldn’t help my children, neither my students. I really need your help. How can we revive any relation after damage.
At the moment I’m trying my best doing presentations to my students and colleagues working on the same topic, deriving most of your ideas, if you allow me. In the 15 myths I’m going to try to find the 15 magic sticks that helps recover human relations, of course with your help. Thanks for reading this very long e-mail I hope we can discuss the matter because I have a very severe experience.
@ K.M.Venugopalan, yes, I can see why you said they are restricted. There are times when being logical, telling the truth, communicating more, etc. can be better than doing otherwise. Much like, “Communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem” and “Adapting to people is necessary for good communication”, each has their own use. “Much like laughing, there are good and bad times to use each communication myth.”
This might be a case of “#5 Myth: Meaning is in words”. These are true myths to me, while your understanding of true myths might be always applicable in all circumstances.
@ Hiam, reading my articles before you prepare final tests is a great decision
. Okay, you’ve gone from being the best mother and teacher in the world to being the worst? Think about that. Maybe you’ve experienced a failure or hit a foul mood. It happens. You said you’ve been learning from me just recently so its possible you’re just becoming conscious of your problems and feeling depressed about it. That’s all in the learning process! Each time we face the truth, which we have denied for so long, we feel very uncomfortable.
After conscious incompetence, comes conscious competence, then unconscious competence. Keep at it. We’re all here to help each other grow because where we are isn’t where we want to be.
Joshua
I find your style of writing incredibly superb when it comes to communication. It just don’t need any explanation as you chooses appropriate terminologies to understand. I like the articles and am seeing changes in my communication skills,
Joshua, I’m failing to find the right word to describe you. You’re great and genius. Every time you write something it’s full of meaning and worthy reading. Honestly speaking, it’s educative, interesting and something to be proud of. You have really made a difference, not just a difference but a positive change to my life as far as communication is concerned. Not just me, but also my workmates and friends. Keep it up boy!!!!!. I love you.
Looking forward to further communication with you.
Joshua,
I commend you for presenting a good case but, if you would allow me to be direct, you are flat out wrong with myth# 14. Specifically it’s unstated fundamental premise that some lying is good for communication. It may be good for a temporary ego boost, which Leil says, but effective communication is not about making someone happy (and more importantly happy with you) for the moment at that person’s expense. That IS manipulation.
Moreover, a lie’s temporary, ego-boosting effects, to a healthy introspective person, never outweigh its long term negative effects. I’ve heard of an unwritten rule of a negative’s “7:1″ influence ratio and I believe it is true. A negative comment or event has seven times the far-reaching effects and influence of a positive comment or event. Hence negativity should be dealt with carefully.
A lie can only serve to compound this effect. If the lie is discovered the momentary gain from hearing what one wants to hear will be diminished (twofold from that 7:1 ratio) by realizing that one was both lied to and had done something wrong, such as giving a bad speech, at the same time… Try gaining that persons trust or being in his sphere of influence after that.
To solve this issue of a supposed need for “white lies” I always revert to what I like to call “constructive negative-criticism.” And that simply is to stress someone’s truthful positives but at the same time express what is or what was done wrong in a constructive manner; meaning make positive suggestions for next time or pointing out what needs improvement in a positive manner. This way someone can get a true representation of their areas needing improvement and it still lets the advice-receiver build a trusting relationship with the advice-giver in knowing that he or she always has good intentions at heart.
I would never want a speech professor to ever lie to me about a speech to boost my ego, but rather stress what I did correctly and how to improve next time.
===
I did see a lot of great and well written advice in the rest of the article though. And believe you me, I’m not lying
.