The Complete Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process for Compassion, Understanding, and Peace

A Complete Application and Case Study of the NVC Process

You have now learned a lot about empathy, listening, and the entire nonviolent communication process. It is time to give you a full, real life example of the entire process. The main points I want to show you is the application of the process and how it is not as sequential as the short examples I have provided.

The examples I have provided throughout this article are four simple samples of NVC. They are incomplete because reality is not that perfect. You should not use a provided example as one complete statement and expect it to solve your problems – you are not going to get an accolade for such remarks – because they lack empathy. You do not bluntly say the observation, feeling, need, and request one after the other. A request is made once or twice in the NVC process, while the first, second, and third stages can occur many times.

You can observe, feel, observe, feel, need, feel, need, and then request. It all depends on what is appropriate for the situation. Think back to the analogy I mentioned about the vacuum. “Suck up” the person’s communication before moving on. You will always “miss a few spots” and need to return to stages. This is not backtracking or signs of failure – it is reality. Marshall Rosenberg says you will know when you have adequately empathized when the tension reduces or the person has nothing else to say.

On to the complete case study. The non-italicized text in brackets is my discussion of what is going on to help you understand the communication dynamics taking place and the reasoning behind the person trying to use NVC. All the italicized text is provided to create and describe the scenario. Lastly, you will see that you can use the techniques imperfectly for them to work.

Ryan and Jessica are married. Recently, Ryan has been watching a lot of television, playing computer games, going out with friends, and working. He has not given Jessica the intimacy she wants. She has pointed out the problem and tried to provide a solution, but like everybody, she has repeatedly used the communication barriers, which block open communication and powerful change.

Ryan arrives home late one night after going out with friends. Jessica has no clue where he went. He enters the house where the couple make eye contact. Jessica is keen to use what she has recently learned about nonviolent communication, but her newness to the model means she is likely to make some mistakes.

Jessica: (Jessica has been anxious about Ryan for hours and greets him inside their house with a very unhappy face.) Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick about you.

Ryan: (Ryan has a smile on his face after arriving home from a good night out.) Chill out. I’ve been out having a good time with my mates.

Jessica: (Jessica’s emotions get intense causing her to become angry and forget the effective communication skills she has been learning.) You want me to chill out while you’re out partying? Are you kidding me? You didn’t even tell me you were going out. You’ve been out having fun all the while I’ve been stuck here at home! (Jessica has been caught in a logical battle with Ryan. She is talking about facts and trying to logically argue with him. The issue here is an emotional one, which means her focus needs to be on emotions.)

Ryan: That’s why I don’t tell you because all you’re gonna do is annoy me. You’re a nagger. It’s not like I have to tell you everything. (Ryan has become angry and joins Jessica in the conflict by using three communication barriers. He has diagnosed, criticized, and labeled.)

Jessica: Ha! You’re like a little child. You don’t take responsibility for anything. I do all the work in this relationship. (Jessica has criticized, labeled, and used universal quantifiers – all things that will make Ryan defensive. She has taken Ryan’s criticism as a personal attack and becomes angrier because she has failed to recognize that Ryan tried, though poorly, to met his needs.)

Ryan: Oh! And you’re little miss perfect? You’re just a big pain in the a**!

Jessica: (Jessica realizes she has forgotten nonviolent communication and sets herself back on the right path. She takes a moment of silence and breathes deeply to clear her head.) You feel annoyed and this makes you angry. (Jessica has turned her focus towards Ryan and first seeks to empathically receive what he has to say. NVC begins!)

Ryan: You do more than annoy me! All you do is tell me what to do! You’re a stupid control freak and a b****!

Jessica: (Most people say one good empathy statement and expect to receive an accolade. Few people notice it, but they will feel your empathy over time. Jessica keeps focused on the process.) When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel controlled. (Jessica has reflected back another one of his statements by using the observation and feeling stage. She begins to see that he has an unmet need of freedom, which prevents her from feeling attacked.)

Ryan: Yes! I hate it when you constantly nag me! I just want to have fun without you being a damn pest!

Jessica: So I can understand what is annoying to you, is what I said tonight an example of the nagging? (Jessica is unsure of what he means by “nag” and so she asked a good question to clarify what he means. She needs to be careful about taking responsibility for the way Ryan feels.)

Ryan: That’s just one small example of you being a damn pain.

Jessica: When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need freedom. (Jessica has observed, felt, and identified a need.)

Ryan: (Ryan begins to calm down though he is still agitated.) No! I… I just don’t like having to run everything through you like your some boss. (Jessica wrongly identified one of Ryan’s needs, though it did not matter because he clarified himself.)

Jessica: When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need independence. (Jessica has rephrased her previous statement with a different need. She is attempting to identify Ryan’s unmet needs, which will lead to a solution.)

Ryan: I do need independence and you’re not giving it to me. You control me. You’re not fun at all. You’re just a pain.

Jessica: You feel detached from me when you hear me tell you what to do. (Jessica jumps back to the beginning of the NVC process by shifting her focus onto another feeling. Notice her empathy instead of reciprocating the attack.)

Ryan: (The tension is reducing.) I guess that’s right. You’re no fun anymore. All you do now is annoy.

(There is silence.)

Jessica: When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel annoyed because you need more joy with me.

Ryan: That’s right.

Jessica: Would you be willing to help me become more fun? (Jessica sensed the tension in the air dissipate and felt Ryan has said what he wants. Therefore, she made a request.)

Ryan: I’d love to.

(There is silence.)

(Jessica has used all four stages of the NVC process on Ryan. She is now able to use the process to express her observation, feelings, and needs, and make a request for Ryan to change his behavior.)

Jessica: When you constantly go out without me, I feel detached. (Jessica has made a poor observation as she has made an evaluation with the word “constantly”.)

Ryan: I don’t constantly go out!

Jessica: You feel frustrated because you don’t go out much. (Jessica realizes Ryan may have another need and so she switches her focus back on him.)

Ryan: Yeah.

Jessica: (Jessica senses the number of times he goes out is not an issue and so she switches her focus back on herself.) When you do not go out with me like tonight, I feel alienated from you. I need to be close to you a few nights per week. (Jessica has made an accurate observation without evaluation and has given Ryan a specific example of the behavior she dislikes. She has also been able to identify her need of intimacy with Ryan.)

Ryan: I see. You need to be with me whenever I go out?

Jessica: Thanks for telling me your understanding of what I need. To clarify what I meant, I don’t mind if you go out by yourself, but for example, like tonight I wanted to go out with you because I need physical closeness with you. (Jessica thanks Ryan for trying to understand her even though he misunderstood. Most people would have felt frustrated, and started an argument, from Ryan’s excessive statement.)

Ryan: Okay.

Jessica: Would you be willing to tell me what you’re doing so that we can go out more often? (After completing all seven stages, Jessica finally makes her request to change Ryan’s behavior. This is usually the first thing people do; not the last.)

Ryan: Sure – provided that you become more fun like we said earlier.

Jessica: (Jessica hugs and kisses Ryan in huge relief. She has solved a problem that has bugged her for months.) Agreed.

There are many possibilities that could have taken place in the above scenario and changed the communication, but the scenario beautifully demonstrates how nonviolent communication is applied to real life.

Some people who, for the first time use this powerful type of communication, may have their partner or themselves break into tears. Crying is good. Emotional purging is healthy for people. When nonviolent communication opens the relationship, mental and emotional dams erected over years from misunderstanding smash down as intimacy gushes into the relationship. New emotional structures get built to form peaceful relationships when you use NVC overtime. “Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process,” said John F. Kennedy, 35th American President, “gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.”

(I highly recommend you read my review of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and visit the provided link where you can order a copy of the book today. Secondly, if you felt this article touched you, I know my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” will bring more magic in your life because the skills and advice I share in the program strongly interconnect with nonviolent communication. You can learn about the program here.)

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About the Author

Joshua Uebergang, aka "Tower of Power", teaches social skills to help shy persons build friends and influence people. Visit his blog and sign-up free to get communication techniques, relationship-boosting strategies, and life-building tips by email, along with blog updates, and more! Go now to http://www.towerofpower.com.au/free/

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