The Complete Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process for Compassion, Understanding, and Peace

Needing

The definition of a “need” says it is a requirement. For our use, it is also something you or the other person wants like personal space, silence, or attention. When you verbalize a person’s needs and your needs, two separated persons understand what it takes to resolve the problem and establish harmony.

Needs is a layer of communication that frequently gets submerged beneath the icy-cold waters of conflict. Rarely does someone express what they want. People prefer to destructively vent anger, complain about what they do not want, or whine about the problems that annoy them. Inside, they are frustrated individuals desperately wanting their feelings and needs to be understood. When you look beneath the surface of someone’s behavior, you realize their feelings about unfilled needs is ignored.

Your first goal of the needing stage is to express the other person’s needs so both of you know what he or she wants. Your next goal is to express your needs to let the other person know what you want. These are the third and seventh respective stages of NVC. Once the two goals get ticked off, the couple understand one another, they become satisfied, and the relationship is more fulfilling.

To continue from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for the other person:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration…”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you…”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.”

There is one more stage to NVC, but you can already see the power in the process. The above incomplete examples have already shifted two frustrated individuals on different wavelengths to get in sync as they discover – at last – what their conversational partner needs. Once their needs get defined, they can be fulfilled, which is the purpose of the next step, requesting.

As with feelings, precision is not required when you express the person’s needs. People will correct you when you observe without judgment or evaluation. Listen to what they say. Empathically receive their hidden plea. If you are stumped, do the observing and feeling stage, then ask them, “What is it you need?” Most times, if you say an incorrect need, your observation and feeling steps help them correct you.

Drawing back to the common mistakes people have when they try to express their needs, the lessons of responsibility in the feeling stage relate to the needing stage. It is common to blame and criticize others when you try to state your needs. It is easy to complain about the person not doing what you want.

A manager needs the daily quota completed, for example, but he blames and criticizes employees in ways like, “You’re not working fast enough. I can’t afford for you to be working at this pace.” While the criticism and vague statements is an entire communication problem by itself, the manager has not said what he wants. The manager may want to achieve the daily quota and have a good intention to help employees, but this is not the message received. The employees feel attacked and remain bewildered about their manager’s wants. I doubt this manager has a happy and productive workforce.

As another example of someone poorly saying their needs, a husband comes home from work and needs some personal space. His wife needs intimacy and communication. The husband needs personal space, but instead says, “Not now”. The wife needs intimacy, but she uses the communication barrier of diagnosing by saying, “You never want to talk to me”. Not only has the couple failed to express personal needs, each partner also failed to provide a pure observation and notice their partner’s needs.

If you cannot express your own needs, it is difficult for someone to fulfill them. That is obvious now, but the heat of conflict can burn your positive intent to follow the NVC process. You now know to express your needs – and follow other stages of NVC – but it is easy to blame, criticize, and avoid the techniques when anger gets the better of you.

In conflict, you probably feel attacked and mirror someone’s anger. This is not peaceful communication. I know you probably reason to yourself that if other people change, then you would not become angry, but that is reactive, blame-filled living. You need to manage yourself.

There is an amazing thought that has worked for me so well to overcome this problem. It is something I use everyday to separate myself from people’s below-average behavior and communication. The technique keeps my head above the water in difficult conversations as it prevents me from being dragged down into the depths of someone’s anger, rudeness, and poor communication.

When I feel an urge of anger towards someone, I think, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response. The way I’m reacting is making me angry.” I allow my anger to surface (because anger is healthy) whilereframing my thoughts. Possible reframes you could use include, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response.” “I know the person cares about me because of what the person did last night for me.” and “He’s probably angry because he had a tiring day.” No one can control how you feel without your permission. As Marshall Rosenberg said, “I never have to worry about another person’s response, only how I react to what they say.”

If you have learned communication for years, you will realize this is gold. Deeply think about this concept of anger. The person does not make you angry; it is how you react that makes you angry. The messages you channel in your mind after you observe a person’s anger makes you angry. You “reason with yourself” what their shouting, swearing, and anger means. You probably interpret such messages as signals of disrespect, they do not care for you, or they hate your opinion. It is this rationalization that makes you angry.

If you react instead of respond, you will be angry because your response is dependent on the person. The example reframes I gave you control your interpretation of the person’s behavior to help you be calm and maintain poise regardless of someone’s reaction. You become a powerful person when you are a rock of emotional stability and people cannot undermine your strong foundations. (My Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program shows you many other ways to maintain your power and control in the heat of conflict.)

When someone is angry, they have a need. It is hard to realize when you are fearful or angry, but an angry person poorly attempts to fulfill an unmet need by indirectly and unconsciously trying to make you aware of it. Knowing that a person’s anger originates from an unmet need prevents you from taking it personally. The needing stage of NVC helps you identify what they need.

Many of us think we know our needs, but it is crazy how out-of-tune we can be. If you cannot express your need in a constructive and direct way – let alone have an awareness of your needs – it will always be a fight to effectively communicate. Be aware of your needs, then it becomes much easier to manage conflict, control your responses, and be nonviolent.

To continue from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety…”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness…”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax…”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated…”

You will often catch yourself say an incorrect want or what you do not want. You want to be accepted, yet say, “I need to not be ignored”. You want to be touched, yet say, “I need you to not be so distanced”. You want to be understood, yet say, “I need to not feel misinterpreted”.

When you are not in tune with your needs or when you express what you do not want, you cannot expect someone to magically fulfill your needs. Figure out your own problems instead of traveling the easy path of blame.

If you have problems seeing someone’s needs, it may help to identify your own needs throughout the day. Tune-in to your own needs and it becomes much easier to tune-in to someone else’s needs. I think this is because we begin to think at a level of needs. We become aware of what drives humanity. We see a deeper reason behind each word, gesture, attitude, and behavior. Think at a level of needs to see the deeper, more powerful, reasons behind a person’s actions.

Click the next page number to continue reading: 1 2 3 4 5 6

About the Author

Joshua Uebergang, aka "Tower of Power", teaches social skills to help shy persons build friends and influence people. Visit his blog and sign-up free to get communication techniques, relationship-boosting strategies, and life-building tips by email, along with blog updates, and more! Go now to http://www.towerofpower.com.au/free/

Did this Article Interest You?

1) Tell friends, coworkers, and family about it by clicking the "ShareThis" link near the green button in the gray-colored box below. 2) Reprint or quote the article under the conditions described here. 3) If you're not signed up to the Tower of Power (ToP) newsletter, get your free trail-subscription to receive more great articles and advice. Simply enter your name and email below to sign up now: