Each of these unique individuals have impacted my life in some way through what they teach. I’m excited for them to reveal their best tips right here.

Notice similar answers because what is shared clearly matters. Notice different answers because you learn from various perspectives. Then change your behavior otherwise what you learned is not learned.

Leil Lowndes

About: Leil is an internationally recognized expert on dating and conversation skills. She’s written many books on these topics including How to Talk to Anyone, How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You, and How to Instantly Connect with Anyone. Larry King with Leil’s advice said, “You’ll not only break the ice, you’ll melt it away with your new skills.” I love what she teaches because it’s simple, practical, and effective – it’s what I used to become more sociable.

Follow @Leil_Lowndes

Q1. I see a pandemic developing in the past 20 years where children struggle to develop social skills through activities and role models. Young people lack solid friendships because connections are formed based on what is liked and commented on. Intimacy is easily avoided as conversation is substituted for connection. Quantity of relationships is favored over quality. This carries through to teenage years, employment, intimate relationships, and into young adult lives. It’s not all doom as forums, groups, and amazing guides exist at the finger tips of anyone who wants to learn how to build good relationships. What do you think about modern social skills development?

You’ve asked an important and multifaceted question, Joshua. I am afraid that, thanks to Facebook and other social media sites, the word “friend” has taken on a new connotation. Unfortunately, other than words which suggest a romantic connection, no word seems to be replacing what people, of my generation at least, think of as a “friend” — someone you know well and who knows you, someone you’ve spent a good amount of time with, someone you would help in time of need and someone that you could depend on. Younger people have much less time to establish these relationships because they primarily know that person in two dimensions – literally (on the computer screen.)

Having grown up with these two dimensional relationships, they are inexperienced at forming deep friendships and don’t quite know how to go about it. Lack of real face-to-face human contact seems to be, in my experience, one of the causes of social anxiety.

I agree, there are forums, groups, and guides to help. But reading something on a website is not the same as experiencing it. And “friendship groups” and seminars which are intended specifically for that purpose are also not “real life.”

Q2. Is it acceptable to approach people in public for conversation? If so, what’s the easiest way to do it?

ABSOLUTELY! It is often difficult but it is a crucial skill and, seriously, so easy once you get the hang of it. At gatherings, I make it a habit to look for someone standing alone, approach them, and say simply “Hi, my name is Leil. And yours?” Then follow up with an open-ended question, something like “what brings you here?” Or “how do you know the host?”

So simple, but it works almost every time.

Q3. What’s a common misconception about making friends?

I would love to hear you your answer on this one Joshua. What misconceptions do you feel exist?

Josh: That you have to be this iconic, interesting, and impressive person to befriend others. Such expectations put what you think your imagined self needs to be to make friends, on an elusive pedestal, which makes you anxious. Yes, you should learn how to be interesting and impress others because there’s a skill set to make friends. Friendship has existed since the beginning of time with people who had no knowledge of complex social skills (useful for fine-tuning relationships).

There’s an “effective minimal dose” of abilities you need to make friends. The best one coming from a question: “How can I be friend right now to this person?”

Q4. What’s the single biggest thing someone can do to get out of depression and loneliness to high self-esteem and a happy social life?

…every time you avoid a social situation successfully, you get a short lived ‘high’ that can be addictive. So avoid avoiding.

For those of us who have suffered clinical depression (I have,) “depression” is a horrific mental condition which needs counseling and medication. Feeling in the dumps and lonely is also excruciating and I think that’s what you’re talking about.

My two answers to this are “force yourself to get out there and mingle.” And “fake it till you make it.” As I said in my book “Goodbye to Shy, “every time you avoid a social situation successfully, you get a short lived “high” that can be addictive. So avoid avoiding!

Q5. What’s the simplest body language adjustment someone can make to become better with people?

When talking with someone, keep things out of your hands so that you can have “open body language” with nothing between you. I liken it to the Chinese feng shui which means arranging a room so people come into it comfortably. With open body language, people can approach it more comfortably.

You can also stand a tad closer to someone because we stand closer to people like and farther from those we don’t. However, if he/she steps back, don’t move in. That means you have arrived at their comfortable body space.

And we both deeply know how crucial good eye contact is. (In Asian societies, as you know, it differs.)

Q6. What’s a piece of wisdom you discovered to help with a struggle in your social life that you wish someone told you earlier? (If you’re willing, share your struggle.)

Wow, I guess the short answer is, again, “fake it till you make it.”

The reason I am so passionate about helping you become a more confident and charismatic communicator is because I know the anguish of not being one. I first became obsessed with communicating when I entered first grade. I was so shy that I clammed up whenever I talked with teachers or other children. My severe shyness, or “social anxiety disorder,” lasted through college and beyond. (Attending an all girl’s high school and university didn’t help much especially when it came to talking to guys!)

About the time I graduated, my mother had a stroke so I came home to care for her and became an elementary school English teacher. I loved the kids but didn’t do much communicating with people over the age of 14! Sadly, my love-life was non-existent.

When Mama died six years later, I decided that at the end of the school year, I was going to leave teaching and, to cure myself of shyness, only work in jobs which put me in constant touch with a wide variety of individuals.

My first job after teaching was extreme immersion in interacting with people! I became a flight attendant for the now defunct Pan American World Airways. Traveling around the world meeting people from every country was a great help, and fabulous fun. I credit airplanes full of people for giving me a lot of the “people skills” I had so desperately craved. But it wasn’t a job I wanted to do forever.

Still craving to be a better communicator, I decided to try something very scary—performing in front of people. Much to my total amazement, I landed a starring role in a Broadway show! But it totally bombed due to my lame performance.

After that, I’d had enough of acting and, craving more travel and connection with people, I became a Cruise Director. Making the same stupid jokes for hundreds of new passengers every week on a cruise ship was the final cure! I could officially say my shyness was a thing of the past.

I then became substitute host on New York’s #1 late night talk show and wrote my first book on communication skills. That led to my second current profession and passion, sharing my techniques with the public as a professional speaker.

Now, every time my audience applauds, a poignant image of that shy little girl floods me.

Every day we can thank whatever God we worship for living in a country and in the times when anything is possible for anyone with a passion.

Q7. Have a favorite quote about social skills and personality development? What is it?

Well, you’ve heard the first one twice now. And the second, I alluded to earlier:

Avoid avoiding at all costs.Leil Lowndes

Nick Savoy

About: Nick is President and Program Leader of Love Systems. He’s been on Dr Phil and The Tyra Banks show. I first discovered Nick after he rebuilt the primary company mentioned in New York Bestseller The Game. A lot of what he teaches took me away from being unable to talk to women.

Follow @nicksavoy

Q1. I see a pandemic developing in the past 20 years where children struggle to develop social skills through activities and role models. Young people lack solid friendships because connections are formed based on what is liked and commented on. Intimacy is easily avoided as conversation is substituted for connection. Quantity of relationships is favored over quality. This carries through to teenage years, employment, intimate relationships, and into young adult lives. It’s not all doom as forums, groups, and amazing guides exist at the finger tips of anyone who wants to learn how to build good relationships. What do you think about modern social skills development?

Clearly there’s a problem. If it were very easy for everyone to have the social life and dating life that they wanted, then there would be no need for Love Systems. But clearly there is, and every day we turn guys who are unhappy or frustrated or settling into men who have the dating and social life that they deserve.

As for the WHY our world is so screwed up – that’s probably a much longer conversation. Every generation complains about the one after them. I think there’s something more fundamental going on here – that our instincts, biology, and deep-rooted culture are not designed for the modern world.

Human biology has not changed much in the last 5000 years, but human society has changed a lot. Our instincts about how to connect with people and how to date are designed for a world where we live in tribes and no one we deal with on a day-to-day basis is a stranger. I wrote about this mismatch in my book Magic Bullets, and why men need to ignore their instincts sometimes if they want to date quality women.

Q2. Is it acceptable to approach people in public for conversation? If so, what’s the easiest way to do it?

Of course. Many Love Systems clients have gotten married to women they approached in public during or after one of our programs. The easiest way to do it is have a default go-to “opener”, understand the secrets of body language (as it affects attraction), and to know where to go next. Usually within the first hour of a Love Systems bootcamp, we have men approaching women successfully.

(Nick opted to not answer the third question.)

Q4. What’s the single biggest thing someone can do to get out of depression and loneliness to high self-esteem and a happy social life?

Taking action, no matter how small, builds momentum… do something.

Remember Lao Tzu “Every journey begins with a single step”. Taking action, no matter how small, builds momentum. The worst thing you can do is let negative thoughts bounce around in your head without addressing them. Get a gym membership, sign up for a Love Systems program, or call some old friends – do something. Action is valuable in itself.

Q5. What’s the simplest body language adjustment someone can make to become better with people?

That depends on what your body language is like now. There’s no one-size-fits all model – when we got two of the world’s biggest experts in body language and social dynamics together, the end result filled 5 DVDs (update: no longer available).

The Beyond Words DVD course has a ton of insights. One that comes immediately to mind is when Derek Cajun said to “move like you’re moving underwater”. It’s amazing what slowing things down does to your presence.

Q6. What’s a piece of wisdom you discovered to help with a struggle in your social life that you wish someone told you earlier? (If you’re willing, share your struggle.)

To stop making excuses and to start taking action. I wasted five years messing around before I got on the right track.

Q7. Have a favorite quote about social skills and personality development? What is it?

I gave you some Lao Tzu earlier, and his stuff is full of great insight. But I’ll go in the other direction for this one, to the Rocky Horror Picture Show:

Don’t dream it; be it.

Henrik Edberg

About: Henrik lives on the West-coast of Sweden and for the past 7 years he has written about improving social skills and happiness on The Positivity Blog. He teaches how to improve your people skills in the Smart Social Skills Course. Check out his post on 10 conversation mistakes for a sample of his solid advice.

Follow @positivityblog

Q1. I see a pandemic developing in the past 20 years where children struggle to develop social skills through activities and role models. Young people lack solid friendships because connections are formed based on what is liked and commented on. Intimacy is easily avoided as conversation is substituted for connection. Quantity of relationships is favored over quality. This carries through to teenage years, employment, intimate relationships, and into young adult lives. It’s not all doom as forums, groups, and amazing guides exist at the finger tips of anyone who wants to learn how to build good relationships. What do you think about modern social skills development?

I haven’t done any research into how social skills development has changed over the past decade or two. But one big thing that has happened since I was a teenager (I’m 33 now) is:

It has become easier today than ever before to not confront your own comfort zone…

How much more people interact from a distance. Like online and via cell phones. This does on one hand give people the opportunity to get to know people far away in the world or more easily find others with the same perhaps narrow passion that they have. And the internet does of course make it very easy to find really helpful information quickly that someone in the 1980s might have had a very hard time to get a hold of.

But on the other hand I think that communicating in this distant way and how easy it has become to do so can have a negative impact on people’s social improvement. It has become easier today than ever before to not confront your own comfort zone when it comes to shyness and social skills for example. And that can have a negative impact.

Q2. Is it acceptable to approach people in public for conversation? If so, what’s the easiest way to do it?

Sure, I think so. One way to do that is to simply comment on something in the environment.

Like what kind of cake he or she recommends if you are trying to pick something out in a café.

Q3. What’s a common misconception about making friends?

That you should try to impress them and be as interesting or cool as possible.

Being genuinely interested in them instead tends to work better in my experience and if there is a good connection then they will reciprocate and get interested in you too.

Q4. What’s the single biggest thing someone can do to get out of depression and loneliness to high self-esteem and a happy social life?

To take one small step after another and to not take failure or a stumble too harshly and as a sign that the world is ending. But to get up on your feet again and keep going, step by small step.

By taking action in this way on improving your conversational skills, listening skills and self-esteem you can over time make a huge positive change in your own relationships and life.

Q5. What’s the simplest body language adjustment someone can make to become better with people?

To smile more. A simple smile will relax you and help you to reconnect with positive feelings.

And by doing so the person you are talking to will be more relaxed too and positive towards you from the first minute you meet.

Q6. What’s a piece of wisdom you discovered to help with a struggle in your social life that you wish someone told you earlier? (If you’re willing, share your struggle.)

I used to be quite self-conscious about what to say and well, about just anything in a conversation. I spent too much time in my own head over-analyzing what I should say, what someone said, how I looked, what might happen next and so on.

A great tip and habit I learned that helped me with this was to be more mindful. To be in the present moment fully instead of off somewhere in my head while in a conversation.

A good way to apply mindfulness practically in social situations is to slow down and to focus on your breathing before you step into a meeting or a date.

So a few minutes before you go into this situation slow down. Walk slower to the meeting place. Move slower. Even stop for a minute if you like and stand still.

Then breathe. Take a little deeper breaths than usual and make sure you breathe with your belly. Not with your chest (a common problem when people get anxious).

Focus on just your slow in-and-out breaths for a minute or two. This will calm you down, make it easier to think normally and that singular focus can draw you back into this moment again and what is happening outside of your own head.

Q7. Have a favorite quote about social skills and personality development? What is it?

I love this one by Mark Twain and think it can be applied to anything you may dream of, including better social skills:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.Mark Twain

Barrie Davenport

About: Barrie is creator of the Simple Self-Confidence course and blogger at Live Bold and Bloom. Her passion is in helping others find their passion after she felt unfulfilled in a PR career of 20 years. I particularly like the angle of her words on topics like how to be beautiful and curing a victim mentality that contribute to self-confidence and a great social life.

Follow @CoachBarrie

Q1. I see a pandemic developing in the past 20 years where children struggle to develop social skills through activities and role models. Young people lack solid friendships because connections are formed based on what is liked and commented on. Intimacy is easily avoided as conversation is substituted for connection. Quantity of relationships is favored over quality. This carries through to teenage years, employment, intimate relationships, and into young adult lives. It’s not all doom as forums, groups, and amazing guides exist at the finger tips of anyone who wants to learn how to build good relationships. What do you think about modern social skills development?

I have mixed feelings about it as you outlined in the question. In my work as an online entrepreneur, the ability to connect with people all of the world through my blogs (Live Bold and Bloom and BarrieDavenport.com) and with social media has been amazing. Not only has it helped my business, but also I’ve made some real friends whom I’ve met in person and remained connected with. It is so much easier to share information, find clients, and create partnerships than it ever was prior to the explosion of the internet.

That said, many of the social skills I learned as a young person seem to be lost or irrelevant to the generations behind me. I had to pick up a phone, get in my car, or write a letter if I wanted to interact with someone. Socializing was a face-to-face activity. And conversation was a skill you had to develop in order to build friendships and survive in the business world. I guess every generation feels wistful about the loss of the “old ways” of doing things.

I think the horse is out of the gate in terms of modern social skills. The internet and smartphones are defining a new way of socializing, whether we like it or not. So the question is, how can we maximize this technology in a way that fosters real relationships? And how can we redefine social etiquette and manners using technology? I think this will evolve in the same way people in the early 20th century had to acclimate to the telephone. Change is inevitable, and we must adapt.

Q2. Is it acceptable to approach people in public for conversation? If so, what’s the easiest way to do it?

Yes it is absolutely acceptable in the right circumstances. You don’t want to interrupt someone who is in conversation or clearly focused on something else. And if you’re good at reading body language, you can generally tell when someone doesn’t want to be approached. But the ability to strike up a conversation with strangers is a sign of self-confidence and sociability.

I think the easiest way to begin always is to start with a smile. It’s the universal icebreaker. And then you can open a conversation with a comment about the event, the weather, a question, or an observation. Or you can simply say, “Hi, I’d like to introduce myself. I’m Barrie. It’s very nice to meet you.” Most people are responsive and open to someone who reaches out and makes conversation. I recently wrote a post on this very topic called 30 Conversation Topics to Kickstart Your Speaking Confidence.

Q3. What’s a common misconception about making friends?

I’d say the most common misconception is that all friendships happen spontaneously. Sometimes this is the case, especially when you’re in a situation where you’re around the same people day in and day out (like school or work). But quite often you have to seek out friends and work on building relationships. For a lot of people, this can be intimidating.

Friendships are like gardens. You have to plant the seeds, water them regularly, and pull the weeds before you really enjoy the fruits of a lasting friendship.

Friends don’t fall out of the sky. So if you don’t want to be isolated and lonely, you need to put yourself in situations where you meet new people. You need to strike up conversations, ask questions about the person, and find common interests. You need to reach out to new friends to build rapport and trust. And you need to be an initiator, rather than waiting for the other person to always take the lead in getting together or planning events. Friendships are like gardens. You have to plant the seeds, water them regularly, and pull the weeds before you really enjoy the fruits of a lasting friendship.

Q4. What’s the single biggest thing someone can do to get out of depression and loneliness to high self-esteem and a happy social life?

If someone is clinically depressed, the most important thing they can do first is seek proper treatment with a doctor or therapist. Depression isn’t something to take lightly, and you certainly can’t build self-esteem when you’re depressed. However, if you are simply feeling blue and lonely and somewhat down on yourself, the very best thing to do is take action. Don’t sit around ruminating on how lonely you are or what a bad social life you have. Do something about it. Join a club. Invite people over for a party. Get involved in a volunteer activity. Initiate social interactions and reach out to people. Not only will this improve your social life, but also you will feel more in control of your circumstances which improves self-esteem.

Q5. What’s the simplest body language adjustment someone can make to become better with people?

Look them in the eye. Be truly engaged with them so they feel you are actively listening and interacting. Also, notice when you have weak or defensive body language like crossing your arms, looking away or at your feet, or slumping your shoulders. Body language is the first clue to others about how you are feeling on the inside.

Q6. What’s a piece of wisdom you discovered to help with a struggle in your social life that you wish someone told you earlier? (If you’re willing, share your struggle.)

Don’t use sarcasm when you first meet people. I have a sarcastic sense of humor that some people appreciate and others find off-putting. I’ve learned through experience that using sarcasm with the wrong people can end the relationship before it gets off the ground. Always begin a relationship being straightforward, open, and kind. Save sarcasm for later with those you know enjoy this kind of banter and don’t take offense.

Q7. Have a favorite quote about social skills and personality development? What is it?

You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one.Dale Carnegie

Josh: Share in the comments below your answer to one of the questions. We’d all love to hear what you have to say.

I was “undiagnosed” for 7 years. This stopped me getting help and helping myself. I lived believing I was broken, but it turns out you can turn your life around once you know the problem. I hope the test and resources provide guidance to help you.

Here are three notes about the test. Your results are 100% confidential and never stored. The quiz is not intended to replace a one-on-one professional diagnosis. Respond to each question by picking the answer you think is most accurate. Get started with 16 simple questions below!

[quiz=2]

What to do Next

Once you’ve done the social anxiety disorder test above, continue with these three pointers:

1. If the test suggested you have social anxiety or a social anxiety disorder, watch this free video and read this article about the only cure to social anxiety.
2. Get people you care for to take the test. You never know who you will help. Tweet the quiz. Share it by clicking the social media buttons below or emailing the link:

   https://www.towerofpower.com.au/social-anxiety-disorder-test

3. Learn everything you need to confidently talk, make friends, and build a great social life even when you have severe anxiety and am unable to talk to strangers. Check out Big Talk, a special course to get you comfortably making friends with who you want.

There is a step-by-step method revealed in this guide to easily make friends. People “naturally” great at making friends unknowingly follow it. The difference between you and them is their parents, their teachers, their way of living early in life created these habits. You just have to learn these ways to make friends.

It can be frustrating now, but it no longer has to be hard to make friends. Shy and lonely people have learned how using the below guide. Follow these 5 simple steps and I guarantee within 2 weeks you’ll make new friends.

Step 1. The Effortless Place to Make Friends (How to Easily Make Friends)

A man practices the art of adventure when he breaks the chain of routine and renews his life through reading new books, traveling to new places, making new friends, taking up new hobbies and adopting new viewpoints.Wilfred Peterson, author of the 1949 The Art of Getting Along

Draw from two groups of people to make friends:

1. people you already know
2. people you are yet to meet

The first place out of habit we look at when making friends are people we don’t know. That’s a mistake because you’ll discover how to easily make friends with people you see, don’t talk to, or avoid.

List everyone you currently know who could be a friend that you want to befriend. It’s not about getting people to like you, but getting to know people you like.

These people could be classmates, work colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances, friends of people you know, or friends with whom you lost contact. Cousins or friends of siblings are candidates. This is your first list of potential friends. It’s important you write down their names or where you see them (if you don’t know their names) so you can use the advice in this guide.

Next we look at people you’re yet to meet. If you move to a new place and don’t know anyone, your challenge is having no people you know. You need to meet new people.

If you’re lonely, your daily routine stops you meeting new people. You eat breakfast by yourself, go to work to see nobody new, then come home to hangout with yourself. To meet new friends, you have to change your routine. Do you understand? Friends won’t fall from the sky – you have to get out there then make the effort to meet them.

It’s not about getting people to like you, but getting to know people you like.

Meeting new people can be scary yet there are ways to do it. As bonus motivation for you, I’ve found from coaching shy guys, when they use this guide, they often get new exciting work, do activities they’ve wanted for years, and enjoy life more.

What do you mostly do during the day? Do you go to school, have a job, or play a sport? Look at these groups for potential friends.

My favorite method to find potential friends is through hobbies and interests. When I review my life, three quarters of my friends came through this way. Activities like cricket or interest groups like bronies (men who love ponies) are instant sources of friends because of the chat and enjoyment you get from a fun gathering.

What are your hobbies or interests? Also what regular activity would you like to try? Add these interests as reservoirs for friends.

Look for groups in your city. Check out websites like meetup.com, couchsurfing.com or local Facebook groups.

You can also use these free sites to discover what is happening in your area. Events that snag your interest are great places to meet people. Events in your major city cater to new people who want to make friends, meet for a coffee, and chat – that’s easier if you lack the confidence than putting your foot in an existing social circle.

Some people default to bars at night to make new friends. The confidence and friendliness that comes from alcohol often disappears the next day, and you realize your new friend is not who you hoped. Unless you make friends with someone at a bar while each of you are not drunk, the relationship is unlikely to grow. Another problem when making friends at some bars is the loud music that stops good conversation. I don’t recommend bars for new sources of friends.

Step 2. How to Start a Conversation with Common Ground and Already Feel Like Friends

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’C.S. Lewis, Novelist

When you’re shy meeting someone new, it’s hard to think of what to say. Once you discover an interest or experience you have in common, conversation flows a lot easier instead of awkward small-talk. Friends have commonalities whether it be the same school, a fun hobby, or the love of a sport.

Imagine you’ve been invited to a mutual friend’s party, and you don’t know how to start talking to other people. Ask how they know the host or “What brought you to the party?” can work as conversation starters.

Situations where the surroundings naturally break the ice are good for starting conversations when you know nothing about the person. For example, at an art exhibition assume people have opinions about the art, and that your views are something to share. Ask what they think of a certain painting.

Orientation sessions for a new job, training sessions, courses, or parties where others have come alone are all good places to find common ground. You already share being at the event.

Look for little signs of someone’s personality; a shirt with a band name, a wristband for a certain cause, a book in their bag. You might locate a commonality.

Groups and events related an interest or hobby of yours are good to find people who share things with you. You gather for a mutual love whether it be a hobby, writer, political stance, or type of music. You know what you have in common. Ask how long they’ve been a fan or what is their favorite Pokemon card (…Pokemon is cool, man!)

Sometimes you need to talk with the person for a few minutes before you discover what you have in common. A good introduction by a third party should connect you two with a commonality. If nobody is around, touch on various topics until you find something you share. Talk about what you suspect the person is interested in from your observations or intuition – you might have similar jobs, be from the same place, or share an opinion on an important topic.

If nothing strikes you as an obvious conversation starter in a situation where conversation normally flows, bring that to light. Laughing and admitting you can’t think of a thing to say and that you’re awful at small-talk makes for conversation. Your self-deprecating humor is confidence and endearing. Some people will be relieved then admit they feel the same. Your openness alone breaks ice to get another person talking.

Here’s a similar tactic. Not knowing anybody is itself something to talk about, “I don’t know anyone here so I thought I’d come chat.” There’s always something to start a conversation. Always.

For more conversation starters you could ever need, do this exercise I reveal in a video to come up with your own conversation starters and see my massive list of 101 conversation starters.

Step 3. How to Confidently Meet People You Don’t Know

One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.Morris West, Australian author of The Clowns of God

Do you think you cannot make friends until you “overcome” anxiety, become confident, and develop an extroverted personality? You don’t need this belief.

Social anxiety is about yourself – you thinking how you come across to others instead of getting involved in the conversation. Try a new perception the next time you meet someone: focus on people you meet (something external). Devote to learning all about another person’s career or background. Not only will your social anxiety just “be” instead of you fighting it, people will warm to you when you show interest.

Let go that you need to be ‘cured’ of anxiety before you can make friends.

Therapists are realizing that labeling social anxiety as a problem then battling it intensifies anxiety. Your effort spent fighting anxiety puts more focus onto it, leading you further into despair.

Feel anxiety without judging it as good or bad. Let go that you need to be “cured” of anxiety before you can make friends. Read the “cure” for social anxiety disorder to learn more about this strategy.

One therapeutic method to help with fear and anxiety is exposure therapy. This process slowly introduces the thing you’re anxious about into your life. Inner confidence comes from competence, so proving to yourself you are capable of talking to people lets you live with anxiety.

Someone with a fear of snakes can start by thinking of a snake for a few seconds before building to looking at a picture of one. Over time, this might bump up to watching a video then looking at a live snake in a zoo. Small steps is reassuring progress.

If you’re anxious about meeting new people, set yourself small actions to follow. Your first step could be to sit in a place full of people, to say hello to your neighbor, or to make eye contact with someone in your class. Day two can be harder; ask a shop assistant how she’s doing, let a salesperson at the mall talk to you. Write a list of goals. Gently push yourself to higher limits.

One technique to help you accept anxiety is to re-name what you fear. Instead of thinking “Oh, no, that’s my social anxiety”, name it something else. Think of it not as a debilitating thing, but as your “fuel” or your “internal Anthony Robbins” that pushes you to do more.

Step 4. Simple Ways to Follow Up – Starting to Build a Social Life

It doesn’t matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.Jim Rohn, motivational expert

Unless you contact your new friend, your friendship will die. Your weak friendship is capped by the frequency you run into each other. You need a plan to get contact details then see each other in the near future. Once you talk outside the usual situation, you grow friendship.

If your request to follow up goes like, “We should hang out again sometime. What’s your number?” you’ll get the number then struggle to meet again. After testing particularly with women, I discovered you need a valuable reason to see the person and make a plan then. Everyone loves a fun justification to meetup like a game, festival, or sporting event to hang out. The shared plan gives you reason to get contact details then follow up.

Another “excuse” to see each other again is providing value. Friends give value to one another. Value is distributed in a variety of ways with knowledge, connections, and good times. Read, observe, talk, and teach to build knowledge. Follow this guide and Big Talk to quickly and effortlessly expand your social circle so you can connect friends or play matchmaker. Know how to make others feel happy and yourself feel great.

Look for opportunities, hints, or desires in conversation to meet again. Whiff at the reason to meetup soon, “I’d love to go see that movie.” By the end of the conversation, you can ask, “I want to see the movie. When would you like to see it?”… “Give me your phone number and we can sort out a time.”

Once you talk outside the usual situation, you grow your friendship.

Imagine you’re at a social group for new people in your city. This is a perfect opportunity to keep in contact. Other people are as lonely as you. Ask if they’ve found an interesting restaurant, park, or bar. If so, ask if they’d show you sometime. Be ready to mention an interesting place you’ve heard of and ask them to check it out with you sometime.

You learned how to know of events and groups in your area. Whenever you meet somebody who might be interested, ask if they’ve heard of it. People appreciate being told about what’s going on, and “Have you heard about the zombie walk happening next week? Oh, give me your number, I’ll send you the details when I know!” is an easy way to get in contact.

A phone number exchange is the best way to follow up. It can be scary asking for a person’s phone number, but the worst that could happen is they say no.

Aside from exchanging numbers in conversation, a generic full-back is if you talk about any good books or websites, promise to send them a link to it. Another way to keep in touch today is adding colleagues and classmates on Facebook. Browse their profile for possible conversation topics, send them a private message to spark their interest, and show you’re a person worth meeting before inviting them to an event. Friendships frozen to Facebook die without attention.

Even when you exchange details, you plan a get-together, and the person flakes, try again. Who knows the true reason they flaked. People commit to things without thinking through whether they can make it. Other times a flake can be from the person not feeling comfortable enough with you in conversation before you made the plan. Try steps 1-4 on someone else.

Step 5. How to Grow Your Social Circle

Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life.

The final step of how to easily make friends is to strengthen the relationship. To make a friendship grow, you need to see the person or talk to them every month. Falling out of contact for long periods of time only works in well-established friendships.

Small talk does not cut it for friendship. The conversation needs to move to something deeper, something more meaningful to either of you if you want to connect. Talk about your feelings, opinions, past experiences, and even problems. Ask about theirs too.

Your social circle can grow with a couple of regular friends. Get your friends to invite friends you haven’t met to events. Chances are their friends are similar in personality and interests so you’re more likely to make friends with them compared to others you don’t know.

Some friendships take a year to grow, while others develop in a week. It depends on compatibility. The more people you meet and talk to, the more likely you are to find people you get on with well.

I hope you found this guide to make friends and build a social life helpful. Please share the guide by clicking your favorite social media button below.

I’d love to hear your tips in the comments below.

A well-oiled list of conversation topics ready to roll out is only one part of what matters to have a good conversation – it isn’t your complete solution to make friends and influence people. You can have fun talking about paper to a friend because good conversation is more than topics. Work on listening, positive body language, and your personality seen below (as well as other skills not listed):

Use the conversation subjects you’re about to discover with other conversation skills for the best results! If you’re over the standard enquirying about someone’s weekend, commenting on the weather, and asking “How are you?”, here’s my top list of conversation topics to keep a good conversation going. Some are deep, some are light, and all are real topics you can use that help you come up with your own.

Business Conversation Topics

1. Current News Stories

Eye the latest news stories relating to your industry. Signup to an RSS reader, visit your industry’s best blogs, then add their RSS feed to your reader. You instantly get updated with new articles and can scan topics useful for conversation.

In your RSS reader, you can even setup separate categories to easily monitor sites covering fun topics, international issues (amazing tip for when you’re about to travel overseas!), and client industry news. When it comes to talking about these topics, you impress people as an expert if you reference where the news came from.

2. The Economy

The economy affects business, for good or for bad. Professionals often discuss how the economy is affecting their company. Be careful not to turn the conversation to personal finance; discussing your own money is crude. Read up on stock markets, interest rates, and other factual information.

3. Ask for Advice

Anything from “Can you show me how to use the photocopier?” to “Can you give me some tips on managing the finance department?” gives a co-worker pride. Few resist the call for help. Show you genuinely appreciate their advice by listening, nodding, and thanking. Conversation will flow.

4. Industry Trends

Has your company changed something it does? Companies update their technology, modify a policy, or introduce new fun days at work (well, the lucky ones do). Discuss the pros and cons – comparing to other businesses, e.g. “I don’t like our new company policy on food at desks. What’s your opinion?” “What do you think of parallax web design?” “I developed an app for the new Mozilla platform the other day. It’s surprisingly simple.”

Few resist the call for help.

5. Professional Development

Those who want to develop themselves may read books and attend events to help get ahead. Asking “What are the most influential business/motivational books you’ve ever read?” could lead into a discussion of self-help, famous motivational speakers, and cool habits to develop.

6. Personal History and Goals

It’s the past and present of one’s life. If you want to know someone outside the business setting, ask “How did you get started in the industry?” You learn more about people this way, and get to discussing ambitions, goals, and the person’s past. Prepare to share your story. Giving is as important as taking to keep a good conversation going.

Dinner Conversation Topics

7. The Latest Movies or Books

Nearly everybody watches movies, is into a TV show, or reads books. Ask people for their favorite and what they’re currently into. If you haven’t seen the movie or read the book they mention, ask about it with interest!

8. Travel

Whether you talk to a world traveler or someone who doesn’t have a passport, everyone loves traveling. Ask about their most memorable holiday, compare where you’ve been, tell a funny experience with foreigners, or share where you’d like to go.

9. The Pros/Cons of Their Jobs

Most people can talk about their jobs for hours. Some may tell you how wonderful their current workplace. Even if someone hates their job, they’re usually happy to let off steam about their annoying boss. Start with “What do you like most about your job?” or “How did you get into it?”

When sharing stuff about your job, describe it in a way the person will understand by relating it to their experience. “When I get a call from XYZ supplier, I know it’s not going to be good. They’re like a grumpy customer you see that you want to avoid.”

10. “If the world was about to end…”

A question like “What would you do if the world was going to end in 24 hours?” can bring up some interesting answers. Try it with a large group of people. A less morbid example is: “If you could do anything you wanted for one day, with no consequences, what would you do?”

11. The Celebrity Guest List

A classic question: “If you could invite anyone, alive or dead, to your dinner party, who would it be and why?” This leads to discussions about various people in the public eye; great if you don’t have any mutual friends or interests…yet!

12. Food!

At a dinner party, food is on everyone’s mind. Ask what recipes people like to cook, which cuisines they’ve tried, and what restaurants they recommend. Just don’t unfavorably compare the host’s dinner to something else! It’s good social etiquette.

13. The Olden Days…

Share games you use to play as kids, which TV shows you liked, and the adventures you had. It’s great conversation fuel for people over 20 years old. If someone is hesitant to participate, they may have had a bad childhood so don’t force their input. You can also discuss how different things are now from when you were a child, e.g. “Imagine what it would have been like if we’d all had cell phones! When my mom wanted to find me, she’d…”

Funny Conversation Topics

14. Embarrassing Stories

If you’re with a group of friends, sharing embarrassing stories can cause a lot of laughs. You can compare moments of embarrassment in public, drunken blunders, or dating encounters that went wrong. You can also share stories you’ve heard from other people.

15. The People Around You

Look at the people walking by (great if you’re in public) and try guessing facts about them. You can even say that the person with the most interesting interpretation “wins”, e.g. “Look at that guy run! He’s just remembered his girlfriend left her hair clip on his bed, and his wife’s nearly home!” “I think he left the waffle iron on. Everyone loves waffles.”

16. Crazy Comments by Kids

If you’re with a group of friends who have kids (or you’re all teachers), exchange stories about the funny things your kids say and do. There’s probably always something weird, funny, or scarily smart to share.

17. Worst Dates

Ask your friends about the worst date they’ve ever been on. Make sure you have a couple of funny stories of your own to share (without naming anyone). For more ideas, think of awkward situations to be in, but are now funny. These are great to talk about.

18. “What kind of old person would you like to be?”

An interesting question, bound to bring a smile to people’s faces (it’s unexpected). Although many won’t have thought about it before, they’re sure to have an opinion.

19. Jokes

Yes, you can sit around exchanging the funniest jokes you’ve heard. If you’re into comedy, you can discuss the best comedies or stand-up comedians you’ve seen. Try to learn a couple of their jokes to share.

20. Weird Comparisons

For example – “If you were any animal, which animal would you be?” It sounds childish, but can work with anyone. Get people to explain their choice. In a big group of friends, your friends can tell you which animal you’d be, before switching to the next person.

21. Truth and Lies

More of an ice-breaking game. The idea is that everyone gives three statements about themselves – one is true, and two are lies. The other people have to work out which is true. The more interesting or funny the statements, the better.

Conversation Topics for Dates

22. Their Goals and Dreams

Many people enjoy talking about themselves. Try questions like “What job would you really love to do?” to let your date open up. If you get your date opening up about their dreams and ambitions, while being encouraging and supportive, they will feel relaxed around you and value you as a great listener.

23. The Movie You Just Saw

Works after a cinema date or DVD. Ask what they thought of the movie, compare to similar movies, and ask what kind of movies they normally like.

24. All-time Favorites

“What’s your all-time favorite movie/song/book/food?” This gets your date to open up and feel you are interested. It can also lead to suggestions of follow up dates, e.g. “What, you haven’t seen Grease? I’ll have to show it to you sometime!”

25. Funny Things

Laughter is a sign things are going well (unless it’s at you… even then). Try “What kinds of things really make you laugh?” to find out more and turn the topic to funny things. Goofy questions like “Which creature would you most like to be for the day?” can break the ice with some dates.

26. Passions

“What are you really passionate about?” When people discuss their passions, you see who they really are. This gives you a good idea about your date. They will also be impressed when you talk about your own passions, as this is something you talk about easily that lights you up in an attractive way.

27. Travel Bucket List

“Which five places do you most want to visit?” Great for travelers. Comparing places you’ve been and want to go can spark a lot of conversation, and travel stories can be very attractive – especially if you’ve done something fascinating and you’re a good storyteller.

28. What You’re Looking For

Be careful with this one. If you can charmingly ask your date to describe what they’re looking for in a man/woman, it can go one of two ways. You might realize they’re not right for you, or you might get an insight into what to do. This can also lead to funny stories about bad dates.

Dating tip: This is a time to get to know each other, but it’s best to avoid controversial topics where you might disagree. Keep topics light and fun, but throw some unusual questions in there, as many dates involve the same questions over and over. Take things they mention about their lives and expand on them, e.g. “Oh, you mentioned you went to school in Chicago – what did you study?” This could lead to a discussion about universities, the subject is particular, or the city. Relate their experiences back to yourself, but remember this isn’t all about you looking interesting – people like to feel valued. Be interested in your date’s passions, hobbies, and experiences.

Conversation Topics with Women

29. Hobbies

Ask a woman what her hobbies are to get a better idea of good conversation topics. Let her tell you about a hobby she’s really into, and ask questions about it.

30. Advice

Many women love giving advice and solving problems, although spilling your problems is better on a potential friend rather than a date. Mention an interesting problem a friend has been having – nothing too serious. Annoying bosses, co-workers, or dating disasters are good topics.

31. Hopes and Aspirations

A lot of women have big ambitions these days, and sharing them with supportive friends can make them feel great. Ask your female friends where she sees herself in five years time, or what her ideal life would look like.

32. Cooking

It sounds sexist, a lot of women genuinely love cooking. If you find a woman who does, talk about recipes, chefs, and her favorite things to make at home. Then get her to cook for me!

33. Men

Revolutionary fact: women love to gossip about men – comparing good and bad experiences, lusting after attractive men, and generally talking about them. You can start with a celebrity example “Would you rather be stuck on a dessert island with Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt?” or, for extra giggles, people you both know.

34. Gossip

It’s no secret many women love to gossip – usually about people they know, either at work or socially. It isn’t very nice, but “Have you heard that Sandra from finance is pregnant?” (use actual gossip, don’t invent stories) can start a very excited conversation. Gossip can be fine as long as you don’t talk poorly of people.

35. Spirituality

Many women are in touch with their intuitive “spiritual side”, and like to discuss alternative therapies, meditation, dreams, and their soul. It’s hard to broach the topic if you don’t know the woman well. Try playfully asking “Ever had a dream that actually happened?” or “Have you tried yoga?” to enter the waters.

Conversation Topics with Men

36. Movies and Entertainment

For men who enjoy movies and TV, discuss which movies they’ve seen lately, their favorite movie of all time, the best action scene etc. These conversations can go on for a while.

37. Technology

Gadgets and the latest developments, e.g. “Have you seen those Google glasses?” Share opinions, compare crazy inventions you’ve heard of, and come up with ideas somebody should invent.

38. Recent Sports Matches

Most of us men love sports. “Did you see the game last night?” is a typical conversation opener. At least understand the sport to join in!

39. Dream Teams

Does your office have a fantasy football league? It’s fun to discuss your dream sports team, comparing which players you’d recruit. You could also do this with movies or concerts – who’d be the actors in your dream movie?

40. Women

We usually don’t gossip about women like women do about men. Some men compare women they find attractive. A conversation can go along the lines of “Would you?” for various celebrity or known women.

41. Health and Fitness

From the wealth of men’s magazines, it’s clear men prioritize health and fitness. Chat about workout techniques, which gyms are good, what food to eat or avoid. Some guys might not be comfortable discussing it, but if you openly ask their advice they might be happy to.

Deep and Meaningful Conversation Topics

42. The Meaning of Life

Most people have thought about it at some point. Start with “Why are we here (in this existence)?” or “Are we here for a reason, or did we just happen?” A gateway into debating God, destiny, and free will.

43. Subjective Experience

“Is there an objective reality?” Topics ranging from visual illusions to widely different opinions on the same thing can open the topic of how everybody’s reality is constructed from their brains, and therefore different. How do you know the colors you see are the same that everyone else sees?

44. Contribution to Society

Doing good deeds is increasingly popular, yet we’re aware of our society’s impact on the environment and poorer countries. Discuss what you do to make the world a better place, or how you could improve your contribution and minimize your impact.

45. Politics

Although arguments can arise, a healthy political debate is a good thinking exercise. Discuss various points and current political events, as well as the very concept of democracy – “Do the masses really know what’s good for them?”

46. Life on Other Planets

“Do aliens exist? Are they already here? What would they think of us as a race?” Think about what life might be like in the future if humanity were to spread to the stars. This can bring up a lot of interesting ideas.

47. Human Nature

What is human nature? Are we born with our personalities or do we develop them from our upbringing? Share examples of how you think your environment shaped your being, think about twins who are different, and debate whether human nature is intrinsically good or bad.

Other Rules and Tips to Come Up With Your Own Conversation Topics

48. Talk About the Person

On any topic you can ask someone’s opinion or experience.

49. Find That Hot Experience

We usually have something hot in our life at any moment that we’d love to share. Find out what is hot for the person by asking, “What’s big in your life at the moment?” (Thanks to Don Gabor for this question.)

50. List 10 Topics You Love

Then think about how you can talk about them. This prepares you to take a conversation down many routes. Make these topics as diverse as possible so you can connect with a variety of people. Saying you love “League of Legends”, “Skyrim”, and “Battlefield 4” won’t do. You’ll only keep a conversation going in this case if someone else (like me!) loves video games.

51. Avoid Edgy Topics

Skip topics like health ailments, family problems, and money. You can talk about these but it’s just risky for most people. By all means, if you’re confident experiment with these topics. Because they are edgy, they may get certain people yapping away.

52. Conversation Starters

Review my list of 101 conversation starters for great ideas to get talking with people you don’t know.

All conversation topics are like herbs in a recipe. If you only use herbs or concern yourself with what to say, the end result will be weird. When used with other ingredients, they’re an essential part of the whole.

As you get better with all your conversation skills, you only need one or two topics to get going as the conversation carries itself through a variety of topics you could not conceive earlier. The effortless discussion may come from a weird fact, a story, or someone’s opinion about the initial topic. These are the best conversation topics.

For everything you need to develop people skills for a great life, even if you’re shy, I suggest you get my Big Talk course.

My video review of the book along with tonnes of special tips and samples you won’t get anywhere else. Be sure to turn up your volume to at least half.

Why You Need to Download it Now

I’ve been shy and lonely like Paul, and know the journey to transformation is scary but Get the Friends You Want makes it fun and effective.

In the caveman days you needed your tribe to hunt animals, kill predators, and protect your family. You could not do all this at once without friends. Today you can live from your computer safe inside an apartment. Does this mean friends are pointless today? You and I know, that is a miserable life.

You need to make friends if you want a great life. Without connections, your opinions get ignored. You are passed up for job promotions. A lack of friends means you miss social activities, solutions to problems from information-sharing, and chances to date someone attractive. Of course, if you have good friends, you have more fun. It may feel unfair and it’s reality.

One common lesson in the book is the irrationality of people when we socialize. We hang out with some people and not others because of survival, replication, status, thrills, approval, and love. We judge others within seconds because there is not enough time to “understand” 7 billion people on Earth. You can complain about this and get nowhere.

Paul says you are rejected or accepted relative to the value you give or fail to give. You can give high value by being popular (allowing friends to make friends), having status (to lift their status), and through other means like creating good emotions in others (where you are fun, ambitious, and positive). Everything you learn in Get the Friends You Want teaches you how to overcome shyness, be fun, and make conversation so you are more valuable than ever.

…you are rejected or accepted relative to the value you give or fail to give.

You are not shown superficial ways to make friends. From reading the book I learned that physical isolation is being alone while social isolation is being lonely. That is why you can feel lonely at work. Social and emotional connection makes loneliness disappear. You learn how to really connect with people without shallowness or manipulation taught in pick-up ebooks or most conversation courses.

That’s why I encourage you to download your copy of the book by clicking here.

Part 1: Overcoming Loneliness, Shyness, and Social Anxiety

It is a weird journey transforming your social life. Fortunately for you, Paul has been there. He was lonely until he transformed then put everything he knew about making amazing friends into the book. You are taken by the hand shown how to safely handle all the change you are about to encounter to create the social life you want.

Once you learn how handle beat loneliness and shyness you’re given step-by-step techniques like “how to use beliefs to unwire shyness from your brain”. Whenever you think of a harmful belief like “People don’t like me”, say it in the voice of a duck. The belief weakens. Say an empowering belief like “People who get to know me, love me” in a deep voice of someone you idolize. This strengthens the belief. Pretty cool trick. You get four “brain toys” that are fun ways to make you feel confident and social.

I loved the tip to handle a party invitation when you’re anxious: accept the invite, but say you can only stay 30 minutes for a reason. This encourages you to attend the party, makes you more comfortable, and allows you to leave if things get too much.

Part 2: Conversation and Social Skills

This part reveals how to master conversation and social skills. You learn how to find common ground, discover conversational hooks you want to talk about, and keep a conversation going. The two lessons about saying what’s on your mind and talking about yourself are powerful. Many other easy-to-use techniques exist so you forever keep a good conversation going.

There’s 6 rules of a cool person, ways to be funny, guidelines to talk with passion, and 44 socially awkward behaviors to avoid. I contacted Paul, the author, and he let me share some with you:

1. Being too different. Be unique, yes. But, if you act and look way too different, people won’t be able to relate to you.

2. Not making eye contact. It’s like you’re hiding something. You should make eye contact often.

3. Standing too close or too far. Too close means you don’t respect others’ physical space. Too far means you want to put a distance between you and the people you’re talking to.

4. Sharing too much personal information, too soon. That should be shared gradually as the friendship deepens.

5…

44. Taking the victim role. Never victimize yourself to get attention. Leave that for the social skills amateurs. If you have a conflict, just say that you don’t get along with the person. Don’t flame them.

Part 3: Making Friends and Building a Social Circle

The final part teaches you how make friends and build a social circle. By the time you finish reading this third section, you will know exactly what to complete each week to meet new people. This section is jammed with practical ways to build a social circle.

I followed the easy advice of how to use Meetup.com and Facebook to meet nice people without wasting time online and already made new friends. That was good, but the tip I liked more is when you set plans with people you know little about, pick a place that:

1. Allows you to talk
2. Alleviates the pressure of conversation through music or some entertainment

This makes it easy to have good conversation even if you are bad at talking with strangers.

Is this book for you? It is if you are shy, lonely, or struggle to make conversation with people you don’t know. As you just saw, you’ll be a more confident and social person by the time you finished reading.

If you’re lucky and really smart, you probably could figure it out all on your own with about 15 years of testing and frustrations. You have no time for that though.

No other course teaches you what you learn in Get the Friends You Want. You get a complete system to build a social life. The book is unavailable in stores, but you can download it and be reading it within 5 minutes from now. I highly encourage you to order the book now by clicking here.

Whether you’re the girl at the bar yelling to her friends “Oh my I have to pee SO BAD!” or the guy whose voice cracks over his first words, it’s hard to erase a first impression from someone’s brain. As said in Big Talk, where there’s a whole chapter on ways to make a good first impression, “A first impression isn’t a last impression; it’s an influential impression.”

A good impression at first sight is what I call “the lazy man’s way to make people like you”. Princeton University research shows our snap judgments remain consistent over time. If someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. The study found one thing changes as the conversation continues: a person’s confidence in the accuracy of their first impression.

Call it bias or unfairness. I call it human psychology. Work with it if you want to be seen as awesome. Learn how to impress people at first sight. Here are 40 ways to make a great first impression.

1. Know the importance of body language. Before you open your mouth, people judge a lot about you by the way you walk, hold yourself, and move. These types of nonverbal communication are detected before you mutter a word. It’s a myth nonverbal communication gives 93% of all communication, but body language must be statistically high as part of a first impression.

Knowing the value of body language and unspoken social dynamics in a good first impression encourages you to focus on it. You’ll be more concerned with smiling, speaking louder and clearer, and appearing calm, which will impress others more than a great conversation starter.

2. Open your body language. Open body language invites and impresses while closed body language shows ignorance and insolence. Here’s a snippet of a table from the Big Talk course explaining the difference between the two types of body language:

Imagine two people. You’re one of them. The weirdo has all the traits of closed body language while you or me – each an amazingly cool person – has all the traits of open body language. You get the vibe the other person is a creep while we’re charming.

3. Social proof yourself. Social proof is a principle of social psychology that says we look to others during obscure social situations to determine how we should behave. There are hundreds of unknown people in public social events so we observe how people treat each other to measure how we should treat someone.

If you see everyone looking towards a guy, you’ll look towards him to calculate what’s going on. If a guy seated alone for an hour approaches you for conversation, you’ll dislike him before he opens his mouth. You’ll look for information to validate why he is alone and unpopular.

If every time someone spots you laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible.

Everyone knows you can manipulate your words and tell a verbal lie, but we believe what we see. Social proof is a great way to make a good first impression. Make friends before you enter a venue. Be seen chatting with the bouncer or waiter or a group of friends you just met. If someone spots you every time laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible with cool body language or witty first words.

4. Put yourself at ease. Did you know if you’re tense talking with someone, the mirror neurons in another person’s brain forces them to become tense? Their body literally duplicates your tension. The strain or message that relates to it, like you’re an uptight angry jerk, is then stored in the person’s hippocampus, the memory center of the brain. Not a good way to make friends.

If you’re like most ToP readers, your body is tense right now. Heck, even I just realized I’m tense writing about tension! To see your tension and remove it, relax your forehead. Loosen your jaw. Let your face droop downwards as the tension dissipates. You can tighten a muscle for three seconds then release it to enter relaxation. Do this throughout your body whenever you think of it. Tension is unconscious, but relaxation conscious.

5. Get into shape. Light travels faster than sound, so your physical appearance is noticed before your voice or introductory comment is heard. Looks aren’t everything, but they’re important and quickly noticed.

Get your physical game together whatever that maybe. Exercise to stay in shape. Drop that greasy packet of chips in the bin. Everyone notices a guy with biceps bulging out of his sleeves or a woman with a curvacious figure. We’re impressed by people with good physiques.

6. Dress stylish within the decade. I understand if your bright green neon stilettos appear “timeless” to you. However, nobody else does. When in doubt, wear black or gray. These colors are timeless and even if a dress or tie was purchased 10 years ago, it’ll come across as stylish because it’s not a shocking, bright, or ridiculous color.

Dress nice and stylish, but comfortable. You want to look your best, yet many times we tend to think dressing sharp, stylish, and sexy is more important than being comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and constantly tugging or pulling at your shirt or dress, you’ll feel distracted and probably self-conscious. Don’t compromise comfort for style. Feel good in what you wear.

This is no fashion school, yet I must say one last thing on this topic. Not only is it important to dress for comfort, it’s important to dress for your body type as well. Ladies, don’t squeeze into a revealing, slinky dress because you hear it’s the latest style, even though your chest is popping out and you can see your underwear lines through it. Men, don’t wear a fitted Slipknot t-shirt if your gut sticks out beneath it. You need tip number five if that’s the case!

The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

7. Think positive before going in. Imagine the positive mark you’ll make on people instead of visualizing how that attractive lady will laugh at you when you approach her asking, “Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?” (I wouldn’t blame you if you’re thinking negatively using that pick-up line). See the interaction going incredibly awesome. Believe the person you’re about to talk to is friendly. You’ll go in looking a happier, more impressionable person.

If you’re a pessimist so you never get disappointed, read my review of Mind-Lines, a great book on reframing to think in healthy ways. The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

8. Get into a positive state. Make people’s mirror neurons work for your benefit. Put yourself into a positive state so a person’s brain makes them emotionally high in your presence.

I believe it’s unhealthy to always seek happiness and “positive emotions” because you block yourself from authenticity and a full experience of life, but there are lessons in Big Talk you can follow to boost your mood and impress people:

1. Firstly, know that energy is a choice. You can make yourself feel good at will.
2. You may get in a good mood by psyching yourself up or down. Figure out what works for you.
3. Talk with anyone or anything. If you feel great and can have a smooth conversation with your cat, I like your odds at impressing people in a conversation.
4. Take a practice dive socializing. Dive in and allow yourself to belly flop. E-motion is energy in emotion. Action is necessary to feel alive.

9. Be present. The distinguishing factor between anxious, lonely persons and those with charisma is their energetic focus. Loners are drawn into themselves. They think about past mistakes or anticipate how others may respond. I use to think of me freezing in past conversations or about what others would think if I said something. Yeah, it’s messy.

People know when you’re not fully in the moment and are repulsed by it. Children hate when a parent pretends to listen when all they do is hear.

Just before you approach someone or at anytime during a conversation, focus on the now. The best way I’ve found to do this is by taking deep and slow belly-breathes for 30 seconds. You can also observe a person’s body language. These techniques will make you more present and people will be impressed.

10. Impress the right person. Would you leave your hand print on a rock or in clay? Some people are easier to impress than others while some are worth impressing more than others.

If you have a hard-time impressing people, pick low-hanging fruit. Talk to the person alone or listen to the person looking sad. The social proof and emotional momentum will help you impress those higher up the tree. It’s a sneaky way to make a good first impression.

11. Approach people from a 45-degree angle. It’s alarming to have someone approach you head on. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything aggressively nearing us. Having said that, don’t sneak up on someone like they’re your best friend. It’s not cute. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything that tried to surprise us from behind (okay, maybe your ancestors didn’t give you my schizophrenic genes, but you get the point.)

What’s the right way to walk up to people? Approach from a 45-degree angle. You can keep your geometry set in your school bag. Just use the principle as a reminder that we’re comfortable being approached by strangers at a visible indirect angle.

12. Make eye contact. The eyes give your interactions emotional meaning. If you look at any object or person as if you had ADHD, you’ll appear anxious or disinterested. Certainly you’ve heard this a million times, but giving someone a good look in the eyes right as you meet them shows you’re interested in them. Your pupils dilate and they instinctively catch on, causing automatic attraction.

13. Cast an illuminating smile. A cold turkey smile switches on in an instant. An illuminating smile turns on gradually. Make eye contact with someone then go from a blank face to a full warm smile in two seconds. Read my article “How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word” for more help with this technique and a couple of extra tricks to impress people through your body language.

14. Don’t stare and smile like a hungry wolf. Or a hungry vampire. Eye contact is one thing, looking like someone staring at their bait is another.

Temporarily break eye contact by shifting your eyes downwards for two seconds. It’s a sign of friendliness and safety probably experienced by cave men who killed beasts that glared in their eyes (again, that’s probably my schizophrenic genes). Sharing your eye contact with the floor makes you safe and likable in the eyes of those you chat with giving them a good impression of you.

15. Remember your acquaintances name and use it. A “nice to meet you, Sarah” or “Me too Bob, I totally get that” shows you’re interested in speaking to them and are having more than just an empty conversation. If you have the memory of a goldfish, check out a post of mine for social skills resources to help remember names.

16. Shake hands well. There’s more to a handshake than a firm one. Lean forward at the hips to show interest. Ensure your hand and theirs go web-to-web. Yes, grip firmly. A strong, firm handshake shows confidence in anyone. Same for you, ladies. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to stick out your fingers like a delicate tulip. My last tip for a good handshake is to give two up-and-down shakes. Do these and you may just impress people with your hand skills.

17. Speak with a resonant voice. I’ve mentioned body language for a good impression, but the voice is another part of nonverbal communication that can impress people. A squelching voice will leave your listeners with plugs in their ears while a soothing, clear voice will have people hang on to your every word.

There’s diverse problems in vocalics from talking too loud, fast, soft, raspy, high, indecisively, breathy, and the list goes on. To cure all these problems and improve your voice, I recommend you learn from Carol Fleming, creator of The Sound of Your Voice audio program, and her new book It’s the Way You Say It. Her book is the best resource I’ve come across to improve your voice and nonverbal communication.

18. Make the conversation about others. We think we need to impress others by drawing attention to ourselves. The opposite is true. I once saw a man wearing a shirt that said, “Oh yea, that reminds me of something that allows me to talk about myself.” For many people, this couldn’t be more true. The last person you want to be is the one who starts telling a story about themselves as soon as they hear someone mention a related topic. You make friends easily when the conversation is on their passions, their problems, their perceptions.

19. Show interest in what they have to say. If someone talks about the awesome day they had or the recent achievement they accomplished at work, it’s worth the recognition and respect that comes along with you intently listening. Did he land a new job? Shut up about your 10 million dollar deal and be happy for him. Lean forward, ask questions, have your mouth slightly open, and be in awe.

20. Talk about yourself. Yeah, that will impress people when done right. You see, fans of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People are so adamant on making the conversation about others and being interested in people. This makes a good impression on people – without it, you’re sure to be the person everyone wishes would be gagged for silence. However, if you really want to impress a guy or girl and make them into a friend, you need to talk about yourself.

We feel close to those we understand. Without that understanding of someone’s identity, we have our shields up. If someone talks about their hot air balloon experience, ask them questions, listen to them gas, then share how you’ve never done it before and would love to do it. They may just invite you to fly away some day after you impress them.

21. Show how great you are rather than telling. If you’re awesome and you want someone to know it, don’t tell them. Your actions, mannerisms, and attention must show you’re a killer person. A guy who talks about his Lamborghini before you go on a drive is an idiot, while a guy who takes you into his Lamborghini without a mention of it is impressive. You amaze people when they discover cool things about you on their own.

22. Throw them a genuine compliment. Showering someone with compliments is sucking up. If you absolutely love someone’s hairstyle or outfit, make a point to tell them. You impress by complimenting a person on something they put effort into and hoped someone would notice.

You amaze people when they discover cool things about you on their own.

23. Accept compliments with grace. A whine fits in here as well. People find it difficult to accept a compliment. A good response to “I like your outfit” is a simple “Thank you” rather than “Ugh, the color makes me look pale.” It’s okay to be praised and admired. Now is not the time to feel guilt.

24. Make them feel great. I’ve given a couple tips on what to say to impress people because a great impression is about the feelings you create in other people. “They may forget what you said,” said Frederick Buechner, author of over 20 books on deep humanity, “but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

You get in a positive mood, dress stylishly, smile, shake hands well, make eye contact, and compliment – not for your own ego – but for the positive feelings you create in other people. I want you to go from asking, “Am I impressing the person?” to “How am I making the person feel?” Do what you can to make people feel great to leave a long-lasting emotional imprint.

25. Cut negativity. You leave a bad emotional imprint with drama, depression, gossip, complaints, and criticism. If you complain about your uncomfortable outfit, your bad hair day, or “how faaaaat you look,” you come across as a negative person. If you go on and on about a health problem, you create in them a mental problem of a bad impression.

26. Respect social rules. There is no need to stand out or risk breaking social rules. If you say something really off the wall or perverted, it will be remembered. The first time you meet someone, don’t mention your bladder leak on an airplane. There’s no excuse for that.

If you’re completely douched in cologne or perfume, it will be remembered. Subtle scents are fine and often attractive to others. But if you’re the guy that smells like an Old Spice commercial halfway across the bar, women will not woo you for attention.

27. Be cautious about your alcohol consumption. If there is booze around, you probably want a drink or two to loosen up and get in the mood. Drinking to the point of being belligerently drunk and annihilated will screw your chances of being impressionable in a positive way.

28. Follow the rules of etiquette. Each of your behaviors say something about you. If you have a potty mouth that unleashes foul language, you are seen as raw, rough, and rude. On the other hand, if you follow the rules of etiquette, you impress people with your punctuality and politeness.

Some basic rules of etiquette follow. Abstain from swearing. Open doors for others and keep them open. Arrive and leave events at the right time. Write thank you notes. If you eat or chew gum, don’t chew like a cow. Feed your stomach with a closed mouth. I have a follow up article teaching you 89 social etiquette tips.

29. Get touchy. Socially acceptable touching is the most underused form of nonverbal communication. Appropriate touching connects people faster than words. Tap your target on the elbow during your approach to get their attention then shake hands. Touch people to emphasize a point in a story. Everyone loves a celebratory high-five.

30. Get in sync. This means you nonverbally match someone you’re talking with. Alter your voice, posture, stance, gestures, and movements to mirror theirs. If they stand and move around the room, stand then walk with them. Once you’re in sync, they’ll feel you’re a typical friend just like them. It’s an effective way to make a good first impression.

31. Pull everyone into the conversation. You can impress more than one person by baiting uninvolved group members into the conversation. A loudmouth guy may hog the spotlight, leaving others in the dark. You should talk to the whole group. Shift the attention onto the dormant conversationalists by asking questions like, “What’s your experience with that?” “What’s your opinion on this?” and “What do you think?” If you’re asked a question like “How do you spend your time during the day?”, turn the same question onto them. People will be impressed with your social intelligence.

32. You can be wrong. It’s okay to not have someone admit you’re right even when you know the truth. Righteously blind people irritate. If you cannot prove to a nut head the Earth is not the center of the universe, others in the group will admire your need to not be all knowing and wonder how your verbal combatant’s genes survived this long.

33. Be unique. If you feel there’s nothing special about you, create something. Rarity is memorable and valued everywhere. We remember Elvis created a unique style of music. FedEx became known for the “overnight delivery” then hurt itself by competing with DHL for “worldwide”. When all mouth wash companies tried to make their product pleasurable in the mouth, Listerine came in and went the opposite way.

Rarity is memorable and valued everywhere.

Find something unique about you that can receive more attention. That one thing will stick in people’s mind. You will become the “pink hair girl”, “the funny coffee man”, or “the tall guy”.

34. Show your sense of humor. If you’re witty, sarcastic, or dark with humor, it’s your personality and you want to show it. However, if you find yourself wanting to joke like, “A blonde walks into a bar. Ouch!” reconsider sharing it. Whatever you do, don’t try to start off with a funny opening line such as “So Helen Keller walks into a bar…” Talk to someone for a few minutes before determining whether or not your humor will be appreciated. Conversational humor develops throughout the interaction anyway.

35. Let little troubles float by you. This is a lesson from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. People with little power pick on little things. A couple walks down the street when one of them stumbles and the other replies, “Oh, watch your step.” A group of mates have a beer when one tips over his drink to which a mate jokes, “That was smart.” A boyfriend tries to empathize with his girlfriend when she sneezes by saying, “Oh, that was a nasty one.” Pointing out the obvious does not impress people. It makes you insensitive.

Famed painter and sculptor Pablo Picasso said, “The hidden harmony is better than the obvious.” Powerful people with prestige impress others by ignoring unimportant noise. They don’t point out the obvious because it’s emotionally unintelligent. They continue whatever they were doing. If they talk about a family problem at a restaurant when a waiter gives them a wrong order, they solve the hiccup and move on, instead of getting snared in drama. Poise and composure give people safety and certainty, both attractive qualities to create.

36. Give people a second-chance. Based on the Princeton University research mentioned earlier, you know our first impressions of someone tend to remain throughout the conversation with them. What changes is our increased confidence that our quick judgments were spot on. People will give you a bad first impression. You may think a new co-worker is a cow, a guy at a party should jump off the balcony, or a girl is a drama queen. Give people another chance to impress you to become more friendly, impressing people.

If you had a mind-blank at the start of a conversation with a stranger, you’d feel they’re pretty amazing if they came up to you later and said, “Never mind about our ‘conversation’ before. I get mind-blanks all the time. What’s your name?” What a caring and impressive person!

37. Stop over-thinking. “My hair looks bad.” “I forgot to iron this shirt.” “What if everyone hates me?” “What if I have a zit?” Stop it. Insecurities are the greatest turn off according to author Robert Greene in The Art of Seduction.

You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do.

You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do. Nobody’s going home saying, “Ugh, did you see his hair? It was combed slightly too far to the left.”

38. Remain calm. Don’t freak out if things go unplanned. Since you’re now thinking positive thoughts, keep your pants clean should things go haywire. If you trip, if you choke on your food, if you just don’t get along with someone you thought you’d click with, no worries. People’s actions do not matter; your reactions do.

39. Make a good last impression. We learned from the Princeton University study that people look for information to validate their first impression of someone. Leaving a conversation on a positive note gives people further proof their initial judgment is right – that you’re a great person.

Masters like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods know how to finish strong. Become a conversation master by skipping the Houdini stunt of vanishing from the conversation. Use the “high returns” technique from Big Talk:

Appreciate something specific about the person by reflecting one thing the person talked about. Examples include: “I need to go now, but it has been great to receive your expertise on…” “Thank you for the great time together.” “I’m off to hunt down a friend, but it has been a pleasure to hear about your overseas journeys.” The person will leave the conversation on a high and love you for it.

40. Snare the chance to repair. What do you do if someone kindly approaches you and you give them the cold shoulder because you just lost your job? You can kick yourself for screwing up an impression or you can work with what’s happened by repairing your dirty ditch. Get the person aside then correctly apologize by admitting your mistake. Show your guilt, let the person respond, then move on. Use the other tips to make a better impression: put yourself at ease, let the trouble float by you, and make the conversation about them.

If all 40 ways to make a good first impression overwhelm you, they have a counterproductive effect. Take a few deep breathes. Let the tips fall back into your mind. You will unconsciously act out what you learned. When the day is over, you will be impressed by the people you impressed.

For more tips and techniques to socialize and make friends, get Big Talk by clicking here.

You are already swimming in the wake of those who courted their way ahead in a career or relationship with charm. Charming people get more affection from the opposite sex, get respected by strangers, and get the raise they want at work. Charming people have an easier, more enjoyable life.

In medieval times (and still to this day) magic had charm because of its mysteries. It had unknown traits that left outsiders dumbfounded. When you charm men and women, they wonder what magic you wield to make people respect and like you.

The good news is if you have as much charm as a backyard rock, you too can transform into a captivating diamond. If you feel you can never outshine the one always topping you with a cooler line, relax then follow some of the best tips showing how to be charming to men and women.

Be Sociable

I was going to put “be nice”, but that can be interpreted as some of the worst advice. If on a date, be nice to the valet people, waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and other service workers by smiling and saying, “G’day”. Ask them with genuine interest how their day is going. If you be a snotty snob, you look worse by the second. People around you wonder how your hair strategically hides your horns.

It’s charming to show friendliness to everyone. Being sociable in everyday “micro-interactions” makes you charismatic.

Show Confidence

You want to know “how to be charming to men and women”? Confidence has been undeniably taught for centuries as a method to charm. If you enter a social situation feeling good about yourself and looking your best, you do better than feeling like trash and looking like so. Any situation you enter with your tail between your legs causes you to stuff up. That’s all I’m going to say about confidence here as nobody can quickly tell you how to be confident.

Remember Arrogance is not Charm

Charm is not where you become Ron Burgundy, walk up to someone, then talk about how awesome you are. If two minutes into the conversation you brag about your recent humanitarian efforts in Haiti and rattle off the titles of leather bound books in your office, you’re not a charmer; you’re an arrogant a-hole. Please stop talking. Real charm comes from receiving by doing things like being genuinely interested and not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Be Lively, Not Obnoxious

Real charm comes from receiving… not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Whether you are at a bar, restaurant, or event in the park and you are the loudmouth everyone can hear, they’ll want to punch you in the face. It’s not cute and it’s not charming to be the loud, obnoxious person.

Be Positive

I know I’m drowning you in cliches. Too many people I’ve talked to don’t understand how to be charming to men and women because of simple mistakes. Nobody wants to hang around Negative Nancy.

Being sarcastic and cynical is one thing, though it’s difficult to show that part of you in a non-negative way. I like to think of being positively sarcastic as a type of art form. It’s difficult to achieve, but you’re golden if you can properly execute it in a sparing manner.

Avoid discussing how much you hate your job, how bad your health is, how tasteless the music being played is, and how you’re having the worst hair day ever (even though you were just complimented on it). Steer clear of topics like death and suffering, but when they are brought up and others want to discuss them, you can talk about tough topics with a soothing calmness.

Complimenting people is one great way to be positive. I’ll briefly teach you how to compliment soon. When someone compliments you, avoid responding with, “Ugh, you think so? I don’t like it.” Graciously say thank you and leave it at that.

Steve Pavilanis from A Life Less Anxious has a simple way to be more positive around people and with yourself:

Show Interest

Many of us are inclined to start talking about ourselves once someone mentions their hobby, as in, “Oh you like traveling? I just got back from Guatemala. I was helping to pave that giant hole in the earth. Did you hear about that?”

Instead, ask about their travels first, otherwise you look desperate to woo them with your God-like Earth-paving abilities and you will be made fun of when you leave. Always ask at least one question when someone mentions their career or a hobby.

Pure presence is intimately mind-warping.

Questioning itself does not charm people. It’s how you lean forward, widen your eyes, and focus on the person’s every word that charms men and women. Pure presence is intimately mind-warping. You’ve got to experience it to know what I’m talking about. There’s a whole chapter on this in Big Talk that makes it easy to charm anyone.

As a rule of thumb, whenever someone shows interest in a topic, respond with equal interest or positive curiosity. Listen to what they say with genuine interest. Minutes will fly-by as they think you’re a great conversationalist. After being heard, they will be keen to hear the stories of your travels. Only then is it okay to brag about your Earth-healing adventure.

Keep in Mind Silence is Golden

Silence at the right time is charming. A silent look into someone’s eyes with a warming smile can say much more than hours of speech.

If you’re awful at moments of silence, practice showing interest in people and work on your listening skills. People have untapped knowledge deep listening digs up. If a guy talks about a problem, listening intently helps him solve his own problems and it makes you look good! By actively listening you honor the talker’s thoughts and feelings and accept people for who they are which they will love.

Silence is golden and duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Withhold Advice

Active listening means you withhold advice until the person is done talking. Keep your unwelcome or unnecessary opinions to yourself. If a woman goes on about how her family never listens to her, don’t respond with “It’s no wonder” nor should you give her your elite suggestions to solve the situation. (Feel free, though, to talk about me and refer her to TowerOfPower.com.au!)

Silence is golden and duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Advice is 1 of 12 communication killers revealed in the Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. You think you help people with advice, but there’s four reasons solutions hurt relationships.

Show Your Sense of Humor

Men and women love a sense of humor. Whether you’re the equivalent of a stand-up comedian, sarcastic, sharp with your wit, dry or dark, don’t be afraid to let it show. Inhibition is the greatest barrier to being funny.

You likely abstain from humor in fear that it’ll make people laugh at you. Bad humor repels people more than not being funny so let your humor-radar carefully guide you through the social waters. If your sense of humor has you walk up to a woman to say, “I like my women like the preparation of a good coffee: ground up and in the freezer,” don’t count on getting far.

There’s hope for you to become funnier because humor is learned. Get Comedy Writing Secrets to learn how humor is structured.

Also, an unusual way to improve your sense of humor is to laugh. Laughter is after all, the other side of a sense of humor. Laughing gets you in a good mood and trains you to take yourself lightly. We like people who laugh at our conversational humor. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex and spill your drink or twist up your words, laugh at yourself and relax about it. You can even playfully accuse the person for your accident: “Look what you did!”

Ease your way into humor by learning what works and what’s socially acceptable. You can charm people with laughter and not be a comedian.

Give Authentic, True, and Genuine Compliments

Everyone loves a compliment because it feels good to be admired, attractive, and appreciated (the triple A). Men particularly love them because we naturally crave respect and honor. Love to a woman is like respect to a man. An effective compliment, nonetheless, charms any person.

Sincerity in a compliment is not enough to make someone feel “the triple A”. Timing is also important. Showering someone with sweet words every hour is not attractive and takes away from the authenticity of everything else you say. A simple “you look great in that dress” or “you have beautiful eyes” is perfectly acceptable in small doses.

The last and most important factor to consider to give a killer compliment is figuring out what the person wants to be admired for. There’s no point praising a person on his shirt if he picked it with no care. If the person wears a shirt with the slogan “Help save African children from aids” because he worked in Africa for a few months fighting the disease, then the emotional connection he has with his shirt powers your compliment.

Charisma expert Wayne Elise has some extra advice on how to compliment.

Talk About Your Interests with Passion

Passion is infectious. If the person you talk to or are interested in hears you speak with passion and enthusiasm about what you do, they will become more intrigued with you. If you drone on about your job or how the last few vacations you took were a drag, you come across as Debbie Downer or Derek Depressor no one wants to travel with (or talk to).

Balance Your Work and Social Life

Charming people have the time to charm people! You’re not going to win men and women over by sitting in your office cubicle or playing World of Warcraft to six in the morning. You have got to get out to better socialize with these 14 amazing social skills resources.

We’ve all used the “I can’t, I have to…” excuse on someone we’re disinterested in, and have probably had it used on us. After awhile people are conditioned to think anyone who says no or says they have another commitment is blowing them off because they’re disinterested. I’m not saying you have to cancel plans every time someone you’re interested in wants to spend time with you, but have a flexible schedule.

Few persons want to date or be friends with someone who always runs off to work. Do you think a charming person values work over his or her friends?

Be Ambitious

If you have some direction in your life and goals regarding where you see yourself in 10 years – whether your goal is purchasing a home, helping the homeless in your city get off the street, or getting a raise at your job – show something. You do not look good when you come across as completely clueless with no goals or desires for your future.

For more tips with what you can do physically to improve your charm, a few key body language ideas follow.

Stand with Good Posture

An upright posture with your spine straight, shoulders back, and neck straight gives the added impression of self-confidence. Many people avoid standing this way because they feel uncomfortable or overpowering, but standing with this good posture after awhile feels natural and looks better.

Relax Your Facial Muscles

A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm.

As you read this, your brow is likely to be a little furrowed, eyes squinted, and lips pursed. Maybe not all these, but some, right? Why are you doing this? Can you see the monitor just fine? Probably. Chances are you do some of these things when you are in public as well.

Tension is unconscious, but relaxation is conscious. A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm. Relax the muscles on your face to the point where you cannot detect tension. You may even want to make this a routine right before you enter a room to socialize.

Smile with Your Teeth

A smile that shows teeth is more appealing and more attractive than a smile with lips together. The later is not as natural and charming. Even if you hate your teeth, research proves showing them when you smile is more authentic. An authentic smile shows you’re enjoying yourself, which is a charming trait. Watch this video for extra tips on how to smile:

Dress Comfortably

You may have worn an outfit that was “hot” or “appealing” or “fashionable,” but didn’t feel completely “yourself” in it. You feel wrong wearing something not you. You spend time adjusting, looking in the mirror, and worrying you look ridiculous. It distracts too much of your brain.

The principle is this: get comfortable in what you wear or don’t wear it. Don’t go out of your way to wear something just because you heard it appeals to someone of the opposite sex. You look more like a weirdo tugging at your outfit the whole night than if you wore your trustworthy outfit yet to fail you for years.

Authentic Charm – How to Be Charming

If you have yet to notice, charm is the art of having a good personality. And a “good personality” in this context is how good you are with people. Again, charm is good people skills.

Good looks is a part of charm, but even that forms your first impression with people so it relates to people skills. If you look good and you know it (and not in a cocky way), it will come through in your personality and you’re more likely to act your most “charming.” I’m quiet and flirty and work with that.

No matter what you do or no matter how hard you “try” to be charming, you will think someone is doing a better job than you, looks better than you, or seems to ease into conversation better than you. Overlook another person’s antics. Let them be them and you be you. Comparing yourself to others devours too much energy better spent on talking and listening to an awesome person and charming their face off. Focus on doing that instead of mental mutilation.

Self-consciousness hurts your ability to build friends. A charming person, after all, knows charm is held in the eye of another man or woman.

For hundreds more tips on how to be charming, make conversation, and win friends, check out the Big Talk Training Course.

Over the past year I’ve collected some great social skills resources I’d like to share with you now. Some are from friends of mine, myself, and just others who’ve given good insight into a topic.

From improving your social skills, overcoming anxiety, and starting a conversation, all the way to ongoing conversation, being charismatic, and making people laugh, here are some great resources I recommend you read even if they take you a while to get through (each of these great resources will open in a new window so you keep track of this page):

1. How to Improve Your Social Skills: 8 Tips from the Last 2500 Years

Henrik Edberg has some good social skills insight to share. A lot of what he discusses builds on from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Read some of his other posts on communication and socializing if you have the time.

2. The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom

If you’ve suffered from social anxiety disorder having tried to treat it for years, it is maintaining your problem. Your infatuation with anxiety and curing it go hand-in-hand. I’ve written all you need to “cure” your social anxiety disorder here.

3. 101 Conversation Starters People Love

A goldmine from none other than yours truly. Get all the conversation starters you could ever need with anyone.

4. 40 Ways to Make a Good First Impression

According to research, if someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. In this killer article of mine, you’re given 40 tips on body language, conversation techniques, and mind strategies to quickly and permanently impress people. Get all the ways to make a good first impression.

5. 7 Hacks to Remember Any Name

End the embarrassment of forgetting someone’s name by using seven neat mind-tricks. Charismatic persons like Richard Branson are masters at remembering people’s names. You may not become a billionaire by knowing John is John, yet people will feel special, you won’t feel awkward, and your relationships will be richer.

6. How to Keep a Conversation Going

There’s a lot of garbage advice out there on how to keep a conversation going. Most people just don’t know what they do to continually talk to anyone. Paul reveals to you the secret to keep a conversation going is unlocking your inhibition.

7. 10 Tips: How to Be Funny

Onto some cool skills now that make you a better socializer. Even if you’re a serious type of person, you can lighten and learn how to be funny. Your ability to make people laugh will win you many friends, business deals, and glances from the opposite sex that make you glee in delight.

8. 50 Body Language Secrets You Need to Succeed In Life

Though the start of the article mentions a major communication myth, you get 50 great little tricks to improve your often overlooked nonverbal communication. You can say all the right things when socializing, yet ignore your nonverbal communication and you may look like a weirdo. Get your body language down pat to be cool.

9. 10 Ways to Instant Charisma

You’ll notice this post on charisma summarizes points in other resources mentioned here. Read the social skills resource if you want to become more likable and win the respect of people you don’t yet know.

10. The 10 Principles of Listening

Listening is another topic of many where “experts” give ordinary advice like “maintain eye contact”. Like you didn’t know that already. There’s more to socializing, rapport, and friendship than the surface aspects of communication. Listening most times is at least 50% of a conversation so make sure you master this skill if you want to be popular and make cool friends. Also see this listening article written by a therapist to more deeply connect to people.

11. Presence in Conversation

You may be surprised to see presence mentioned here. Someone “present” is in the Now. They are fully absorbed in the present moment. Presence is a secret skill in Big Talk. When you’re present in conversations, you deeply connect to people. You get the feeling of being in the zone as time and worry banishes.

12. How to Make Friends and Get a Social Life

Author Chris use to be a shy, awkward loser. I can call him that because I used to be as well and I’m linking to his article! If you’re not good at making friends and have a social life of stalking others on Facebook, you’ll get a lot of practical tips and theories in this useful resource.

13. How to Network with Busy People

This 12-part series written by Steve Pavlina, a leading self-help blogger, shows how to get in contact then build relationships with hard to reach people so you dominate life. Should you become a successful networker, life becomes easy because you have resourceful and trustworthy connections.

14. More Social Skills Resources: Your Suggestion

Have something amazing to share with other readers? Contact me or comment below. If I feel it’s a one-of-a-kind helpful resource, it may appear in this list!

I hope you enjoyed these social skills resources. If you’d like more and want the best free resources on other topics like behavior and being a bad ass, follow me on Twitter and like Tower of Power on Facebook.

Inaccuracies make being an introvert more of a pain than it already is to attend parties, network at events, and socialize anywhere. Introverts must understand the truth about their personality type to maximize their career, build a fun social life, do well in dating, and enjoy happy relationships.

What is an Introvert?

On the playground, children compare their belly buttons with one another. If you had an outtie, you were laughed at and probably labeled “weird”. If you had an innie, you were considered a part of the group.

The feelings of belly buttons in the playground are reversed for the extroverted and introverted personality types. Innies (introverts) are considered weird while outties (extroverts) are normal. This perception of introversion and extroversion flow from misinterpreting their original definitions, making it scary to be an introvert.

Carl Jung brought the “introversion” and “extroversion” terms into our language. Jung’s definition of an introvert is “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life.” He defined an extrovert, which some people refer to as an “extravert”, as “the act, state, or habit of being predominantly concerned with and obtaining gratification from what is outside the self.” These definitions when misinterpreted confirm most people’s idea of introverts being self-centered anti-social beings while extroverts happily socialize and enjoy relationships.

Introverts are not narcissistic persons. Just as introverts are not necessarily self-centered, extroversion is not synonymous with popularity and compassion for others.

The correct definition Jung gave introversion and extroversion is the direction of psychic energy. Psychic energy is hard to conceptualize, measure, and even describe. This makes some modern psychologists disagree with the concept. I like to think of it as a life force exchanged with the world.

The flow of psychic energy describes where your energy tends to reside when you think and socialize. If you have an inward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from solitude making you an introvert. You get energized from reading, listening to music, and being alone.

If you have an outward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from interactions with people making you an extrovert. Extroverts need to be around people otherwise they feel drained.

Lets look into this further. The knowledge in this article has given me (an introvert) freedom and acceptance that nothing is inherently wrong with me. The more I understand myself, the more acceptance, self-love, and compassion I have for who I am. This self-love allows me to make great friends.

Introversion and Extroversion Model

If you have an inward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from solitude making you an introvert.

Since Jung, the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test is famous for its accuracy at defining people’s personality type. Introversion and extroversion is one of four dichotomies in a MBTI test, but by itself provides insight into your way of feeling and behaving. Knowing the signs of an introvert is a great way to understand this personality type.

You may occasionally have the opposite personality type surface from your behavior. For example, if you are an introvert, sometimes you find yourself excited and energized talking to people. Similarly, extroverts need moments of silence in solitude. Rare persons have the “pure personality type” of extreme introversion or extroversion.

Jung said the degree of introversion and extroversion varies along a continuum. We exist between the two extremes. It’s common as we age to move towards the center of introversion and extroversion by losing the introverted or extroverted characteristics once embodied.

The Challenge of Being an Introvert

According to introvert expert Marti Laney, an innie herself and author of The Introvert Advantage, we live in an extrovert world. Lang says about 75% of people are extroverts, leaving 25% to be introverts.

Like Laney, I’m an introvert! ToP subscribers are surprised to hear I’m introverted. They envision a communication skills coach as someone with wit, who loves to talk with people, and who is dominant in conversations. I have some of these characteristics, but I’m absolutely an innie. I think that’s why a lot of shy people love connecting with me.

From my experiences, I have wondered why introversion makes life and socializing feel like an uphill battle. The general perception of introversion is bad for several reasons – some of which were revealed earlier.

Extroverts are put on holy ground reigning over introverts. Extroverts enjoy themselves in conversations, move forward in their careers, give the best presentations, persuade people to buy, and win dates. What about introverts? They are labeled as anti-social nerds that cannot converse with people because they have no social skills. Both beliefs are myths.

If introversion is generally frowned upon, it makes sense then to try be an extrovert. Can such personality transform occur?

You cannot transform yourself from one personality type to the other contrary to common lies told by self-help gurus. I’m not saying introverts are forever stuck with a suck social life. I’ve found you can change from an introvert to an extrovert in the sense that you can become more social. You don’t really change from an introvert to an extrovert – you embody the characteristics often associated with extroversion.

You may mistake introversion for shyness or suffering from social anxiety. Such qualities and experiences have nothing to do with an introverted personality. I suggest you do this shyness test to help understand the side of shyness. Introverts are often uncomfortable meeting people because their personality pushes them away from socializing. Anyone becomes anxious without experience and practice.

Breakthrough Brain Battle: Introverts Versus Extroverts

Nerds in lab coats can see if you’re introverted or extroverted by injecting radioactive material into your body then looking at how your brain functions. You will not turn into Radioactive Man from the Simpsons, but the findings will help you appreciate how you socialize and feel about yourself.

In a popular study by Dr. Debra Johnson, positron emission tomography was used to look at the blood flow of extroverts and introverts after participants completed a personality test. The medical technique involves injecting patients with a small amount of radioactive material into their bloodstream before a brain scan to see the brain’s activity. Red indicates high blood flow and intense activity.

The first significant finding Dr. Johnson discovered was that introverts had more blood flow in the brain. Their brains were stimulated more than extroverts. Secondly – and more importantly in understanding the difference between introversion and extroversion – Dr. Johnson discovered that introverts had intense blood flow through brain regions responsible for memory, planning, and problem solving.

Introverts had intense blood flow through brain regions responsible for memory, planning, and problem solving.

Extroverts on the other hand had intense activities in faster regions of the brain where sensory information of sights, sounds, touch, and taste (not smell) is processed. This meant extroverts were soaking in the visuals of the scanning machines, voices of the researchers, and feelings of the surface they lay on. Fascinating!

Dr. Johnson had extended on Jung’s definition of extroversion and introversion. She concluded based on blood flow in the brain that introverts revel in their inner world while extroverts direct their focus on the outer world.

Benefits of Being an Introvert

Up to this point, you can now appreciate your personality type. This by itself helps you thrive in an extrovert world. You come to see where your strengths and weaknesses dwell.

Keep in mind that because we are blended with introverted and extroverted characteristics, you are not excluded from the benefits and downfalls of either personality type. There are further situations, careers, and skills each personality type is strong in due to the qualities in introversion and extroversion.

Extroverts thrive in situations and careers like emergency services, mediators, stockbrokers, and pilots that require quick responses. They love logical analysis for quick decisive action. They also have a curiosity for exploration and creation, which leads them to a career in science, marketing, investigation, acting, and entrepreneurship. Famous extroverted leaders are Bill Clinton, Muhammad Ali, and Steve Jobs.

An extroverted person tends to focus on the present moment. These people prefer to be around others instead of reading, sitting at a computer, or doing some other social activity.

Introverts on the other hand, thrive in unique situations on their own. They are reliable experts at assimilating information by gathering complex information and filtering it through their experiences and knowledge. Introverts may love a career as an accountant, engineer, computer programmer, or counselor. Famous introverted leaders are Albert Einstein, Warren Buffett, and Mahatma Gandhi.

An introvert generally has trouble meeting and talking with strangers, but they are good at building deep connections with people by listening, understanding, and appearing calm. Their ability to listen and understand with calmness makes them good writers and psychologists.

If an introvert learns to meet and talk with people, he or she may find the later stage of the relationship easy to maintain. People conversing with introverts feel surprised and intimate to discover a personal self hidden from others.

There’s a lot to love about your personality.

Your personality does not have to be the sole determinant of success and happiness. Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Clint Eastwood are a few famous introverts in an extroverted industry. I know many successful communication trainers like myself who confidently socialize and enjoy life with an introvert personality.

There’s a lot to love about your personality – stop being ashamed of it. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, you can build friends, influence people, and live a life you enjoy. No matter your personality, it’s up to you to build the skills that give you the life you want.

(I developed the Big Talk Training Course to help the shyest introvert socialize and talk with anyone. What makes this course even better for introverts is I’m an introvert and know what’s it like to suffer at social events not knowing what to say. I recommend you check out the course if you’re frustrated with your social life, have few friends, and don’t know how to talk with people by by clicking here.)

Are children’s listening skills declining as a side effect of the 21st century? More importantly, does a child of yours languish in poor listening and what can you do to improve their listening skills?

21st Century’s Affect on Listening

Evidence suggests that children’s listening skills have degraded in recent years. Many studies (such as ones listed in USA Today and MSNBC) conclude today’s children suffer from a lowered attention span due to activities like television and computer games. Peter Jensen at the National Institute of Mental Health concludes: “Extensive exposure to television and video games may promote development of brain systems that scan and shift attention at the expense of those that focus attention.”

If you have children, I’m sure sometimes you feel talking to them is like chatting to a brick wall. Children at times shrug you off, ignoring what you have to say. Parents think the solution to poor listening skills comes down to discipline. They may yell at the child or spank them for not paying attention.

The problem is beyond discipline, however. Some children cannot fix their attention on one thing for long periods of time. They have no chance to effectively listen when they cannot build their focus and develop other fundamental skills through interactions with peers and adults.

Television and other solo activities fail to foster a child’s fundamental talking and listening skills. Children sit in front of a gaming console, computer, or television then become mind-slaves to the device. They “switch off” their brain into the rapid, hypnotic pace these devices deliver.

Computer games and other highly immersive activities require high concentration levels and skill to play. When concentration and skill blend, time distorts to form an internal state of enjoyment behavioral psychologists call “flow”. Most people who’ve played a computer game will describe the flow state when they say hours fly by in apparently a short period of time.

Television and other solo activities fail to foster a child’s fundamental talking and listening skills.

Flow can be addictive. It is more enjoyable than following Dad’s orders. The change of pace from a Mario game to hearing a parent complain about undone homework is slow, boring, and annoying. A computer and television deliver sounds and visuals more captivating than a nagging parent. However, are computer games and other 21st century influences to blame for these problems?

I don’t know if computer games directly contribute to poor listening – though research hints at a correlation – but I do know that a lack of interaction develops poor listening. Computer games and similar gadgets cause children to develop poor listening skills when their number of interactions dwindle. Communication skills take practice.

Look at this issue of focus and language development instead of thinking poor discipline causes a child to poorly listen. The first thing you can do to teach your child better listening skills is to help them make better choices of activities to participate in during the day. Aim to develop your child’s patience so he or she at least has the chance to pay attention to a person who speaks.

Activities such as computer games are not evil. A total ban is unnecessary, but moderation is required. Reducing the amount of electronic stimulation helps develop the child’s social skills because of more face-to-face interaction. In addition, it increases the chance of improving your child’s health from less time spent sitting down. Follow President George Bush’s cheeky advice when he said, “They put an off button on the TV for a reason. Turn it off.”

Schools Encourage Poor Listening Skills

In addition to activities such computer games hurting children’s listening skills, schools are also to blame. Keep this quiet from your children. They will use it as another excuse to not go to school! I would have.

School teachers speak in front of students for long periods of time. The listening to speaking ratio is severely imbalanced. Children are required to keep quite and pay attention – so-called “listening” – as they associate good listening with not interrupting and not saying a word, which creates “mindless” hearing in their relationship communication.

If you are a teacher, one of the best things you can do is randomly call out students to briefly summarize what you have said and reward them for good, attentive listening. When a child does not listen, you could be the cause because teachers can be boring!

Unless you are a teacher, unfortunately, there is little you can do about the speaking to listening ratio in classrooms. Nonetheless, it helps to be aware of its affect on your child’s listening skills.

Fun Listening Activities for Your Child

Activities, fun, and games are some of the best ways to teach children. You can integrate children’s favorite learning style into helping them improve their listening skills. I have come up with some practical listening activities you can do with children to improve their listening skills:

• Read to your child then have him or her talk to you about what you read. Children’s understanding of books are abstract (though sometimes you’ll be surprised at their intelligence) and lead to seemingly unrelated tangents drawn from their experiences, but that is irrelevant. Your goal in this exercise is to build a relationship and help them focus. This activity is also excellent activity because the lessons in the book builds a child’s knowledge. You may even want to buy a children’s book where the characters learn to listen!
• Not so much an activity as it is a skill, but teach your child to listen non-verbally. Too often children get distracted. Have them maintain reasonable eye-contact with the speaker and develop other non-verbal skills such as facing you, not fidgeting, and maintaining good posture where appropriate. These skills will boost their self-confidence and social skills.
• When you say something to your child throughout the day, ask your child to say his or her understanding of what you said. A perfect rehashing of your words is superfluous; you are only after the main meaning of the message.
• You can make a game if you have several children. Have someone talk in front of the other children. At the end, ask a question about something from the talk. The child with the best answer can get a reward. Watch how closely the children listen!

How to Teach Your Child Better Listening Through Modeling

Another way to teach your child to listen is by developing your listening skills. Monkey see, monkey do. Here are some ideas to help you become a good role model:

• Avoid interruption. When someone says something we disagree with, we love to interrupt and prove them wrong. As a parent, you may be vulnerable to use your authority over you child by interrupting them. Hear your child and they will be less likely to interrupt you.
• Be honest. Just like adults, children can see when you do not listen. Be attentive and honest in your listening. Do not trick children into thinking you are listening when you are actually planning what to eat for dinner. Have good body language with an authentic mindset of truly understanding the child.
• Have patience. You cannot expect your child to be patient and attentively listen to you when you cannot be patient yourself. Avoid filling in what a child is trying to say. Children take longer than adults to say what is on their mind.
• Be together. By interacting and building a relationship with your children, they spend more time with you. The more time you have in their lives, the more influential you become.
• Additional resources. Learn more effective listening skills from other articles on my ToP blog to improve your listening and become better role model for your child.

Spend time with your child to develop their knowledge, listening skills, focus, and your relationship. Adults who use the activities provided earlier and develop their own listening skills, become an excellent role model. It is harder to do than plonking them in front of the television, but the rewards of raising a socially intelligent child are worth the effort.

While the 21st century may hurt a child’s listening skills, you can help your little one overcome communication difficulties presented by the modern world. Help your children acquire vital communication skills most adults fail to develop. Teach your child listening skills today to improve your family’s togetherness and provide the child with foundational communication skills that last a lifetime.