Whether you’re the girl at the bar yelling to her friends “Oh my I have to pee SO BAD!” or the guy whose voice cracks over his first words, it’s hard to erase a first impression from someone’s brain. As said in my Big Talk course, however, where there’s a whole chapter on making a great first impression, “A first impression isn’t a last impression; it’s an influential impression.”

A good impression at first sight is what I call “the lazy man’s way to make people like you”. Princeton University research shows our snap judgments remain consistent over time. If someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. The study did find one thing changes as the conversation continues: a person’s confidence in the accuracy of their first impression.

Call it bias or unfairness. I call it human psychology. Work with it if you want to be seen as awesome. Here are 40 tips that will help you make a great first impression.

1. Know the importance of body language. Before you open your mouth, people judge a lot about you by the way you walk, hold yourself, and move. These types of nonverbal communication are detected before you mutter a word. It’s a myth nonverbal communication gives 93% of all communication, but body language holds a lot of weight in a first impression.

Knowing the value of body language and unspoken social dynamics in a good first impression encourages you to focus on it. You’ll be more concerned with smiling, speaking louder and clearer, and appearing calm, which will impress others more than a great conversation starter.

2. Open your body language. Open body language invites and impresses while closed body language shows ignorance and insolence. Here’s a snippet of a table from the Big Talk course explaining the difference between the two types of body language:

Imagine two people. You’re one of them. The weirdo has all the traits of closed body language while you or me – each an amazingly cool person – has all the traits of open body language. You get the vibe the other person is a creep while we’re charming.

3. Social proof yourself. Social proof is a principle of social psychology that says we look to others during obscure social situations to determine how we should behave. There are hundreds of unknown people in public social events so we observe how people treat each other to measure how we should treat someone.

If you see everyone looking towards a guy, you’ll look towards him to calculate what’s going on. If a guy seated alone for an hour approaches you for conversation, you’ll dislike him before he opens his mouth. You’ll look for information to validate why he is alone and unpopular.

Everyone knows you can manipulate your words and tell a verbal lie, but we believe what we see so use social proof to make a good first impression. Make friends before you enter a venue. Be seen chatting with the bouncer or waiter or a group of friends you just met. If every time someone spots you laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible with cool body language or witty first words.

4. Put yourself at ease. Did you know if you’re tense talking with someone, the mirror neurons in another person’s brain forces them to become tense? Their body literally duplicates your tension. The strain or message that relates to it, like you’re an uptight angry jerk, is then stored in the person’s hippocampus, the memory center of the brain. Not a good way to make friends.

If you’re like most ToP readers, your body is tense right now. Heck, even I just realized I’m tense writing about tension! To see your tension and remove it, relax your forehead. Loosen your jaw. Let your face droop downwards as the tension dissipates. You can tighten a muscle for three seconds then release it to enter relaxation. Do this throughout your body whenever you think of it. Tension is unconscious, but relaxation conscious.

5. Get into shape. Light travels faster than sound, so your physical appearance is noticed before your voice or introductory comment is heard. Looks aren’t everything, but they’re important and quickly noticed.

Get your physical game together whatever that maybe. Exercise to stay in shape. Drop that greasy packet of chips in the bin. Everyone notices a guy with biceps bulging out of his sleeves or a woman with a tremendous curvy figure. We’re impressed by people with good physiques.

6. Dress stylish within the decade. I understand if your bright green neon stilettos appear “timeless” to you. However, nobody else does. When in doubt, wear black or gray. These colors are timeless and even if a dress or tie was purchased 10 years ago, it’ll come across as stylish because it’s not a shocking, bright, or ridiculous color.

Dress nice and stylish, but comfortable. You want to look your best, yet many times we tend to think dressing sharp, stylish, and sexy is more important than being comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and constantly tugging or pulling at your shirt or dress, you’ll feel distracted and probably self-conscious. Don’t compromise comfort for style. Feel good in what you’re wearing.

This is no fashion school, yet I must say one last thing on this topic. Not only is it important to dress for comfort, it’s important to dress for your body type as well. Ladies, don’t squeeze into a revealing, slinky dress because you hear it’s the latest style, even though your chest is popping out and you can see your underwear lines through it. Men, don’t wear a fitted Slipknot t-shirt if your gut sticks out beneath it. You need tip number five if that’s the case!

7. Think positive before going in. Imagine the positive mark you’ll make on people instead of visualizing how that attractive lady will laugh at you when you approach her asking, “Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?” (I wouldn’t blame you if you’re thinking negatively using that pick-up line). See the interaction going incredibly awesome. Believe the person you’re about to talk to is friendly. You’ll go in looking like a happier, more impressionable person.

If you’re a pessimist so you never get disappointed, read my review of Mind-Lines, a great book on reframing to think in healthy ways. The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

8. Get into a positive state. Make people’s mirror neurons work for your benefit. Put yourself into a positive state so a person’s brain makes them emotionally high in your presence.

I believe it’s unhealthy to always seek happiness and “positive emotions” because you block yourself from authenticity and a full experience of life, but there are lessons in Big Talk you can follow to boost your mood and impress people:

1. Firstly, know that energy is a choice. You can make yourself feel good at will.
2. You may get in a good mood by psyching yourself up or down. Figure out what works for you.
3. Talk with anyone or anything. If you feel great and can have a smooth conversation with your cat, I like your odds at impressing people in a conversation.
4. Take a practice dive socializing. Dive in and allow yourself to belly flop. E-motion is energy in emotion. To feel alive, action is necessary.

9. Be present. The distinguishing factor between anxious, lonely persons and those with charisma is their energetic focus. Loners are drawn into themselves. They think about past mistakes or anticipate how others may respond. I use to think of how I froze up in past conversations or I’d think about what others would think if I said something. Yeah, it’s messy.

People know when you’re not fully in the moment and are repulsed by it. Children hate when a parent pretends to listen when all they’re doing is hearing.

Just before you approach someone or at anytime during a conversation, take your mind out of the past or future and focus on the now. The best way I’ve found to do this is by taking deep and slow belly-breathes for 30 seconds. You can also observe a person’s body language. These techniques will make you more present and people will be impressed.

10. Impress the right person. Would you leave your hand print on a rock or in clay? Some people are easier to impress than others while some are worth impressing more than others.

If you have a hard-time impressing people, start picking low hanging fruit. Talk to the person alone or listen to the person looking sad. The social proof and emotional momentum will help you impress those higher up the tree.

11. Approach people from a 45 degree angle. It’s alarming to have someone approach you head on. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything aggressively nearing us. Having said that, don’t sneak up on someone like they’re your best friend. It’s not cute. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything that tried to surprise us from behind (okay, maybe your ancestors didn’t give you my schizophrenic genes, but you get the point.)

What’s the right way to walk up to people? Approach from a 45 degree angle. You can keep your geometry set in your school bag. Just use the principle as a reminder that we’re comfortable being approached by strangers at a visible indirect angle.

12. Make eye contact. The eyes give your interactions emotional meaning. If you look at any object or person as if you had ADHD, you’ll appear anxious or disinterested. Certainly you’ve heard this a million times, but giving someone a good look in the eyes right as you meet them shows you’re interested in them. Your pupils dilate and they instinctively catch on, causing automatic attraction.

13. Cast an illuminating smile. A cold turkey smile switches on in an instant. An illuminating smile turns on gradually. Make eye contact with someone then go from a blank face to a full warm smile in two seconds. Read my article “How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word” for more help with this technique and a couple of extra tricks to impress people through your body language.

14. Don’t stare and smile like a hungry wolf. Or a hungry vampire. Eye contact is one thing, looking like someone staring at their bait is another.

Temporarily break eye contact by shifting your eyes downwards for two seconds. It’s a sign of friendliness and safety probably experienced by cave men who killed beasts that glared in their eyes (again, that’s probably my schizophrenic genes). Sharing your eye contact with the floor makes you safe and likable in the eyes of those you chat with giving them a good impression of you.

15. Remember your acquaintances name and use it. You don’t have to use their name after each sentence you say to them, but a “nice to meet you, Sarah” or “Me too Bob, I totally get that” shows you’re interested in speaking to them and are having more than just an empty conversation. If you have the memory of a goldfish, check out a post of mine for social skills resources to help remember names.

16. Shake hands well. There’s more to a handshake than a firm one. Lean forward at the hips to show interest. Ensure your hand and theirs go web-to-web. Yes, grip firmly. A strong, firm handshake shows confidence in anyone. Same for you, ladies. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to stick out your fingers like a delicate tulip. My last tip for a good handshake is to give two up-and-down shakes. Do these and you may just impress people with your hand skills.

17. It’s the way you say it. I’ve mentioned body language for a good impression, but the voice is another part of nonverbal communication that can impress people. A squelching voice will leave your listeners with plugs in their ears while a soothing, clear voice will have people hang on to your every word.

There’s many diverse problems in vocalics from talking too loud, fast, soft, raspy, high, indecisively, breathy, and the list goes on. To cure all these problems and improve your voice, I recommend you learn from Carol Fleming, creator of The Sound of Your Voice audio program, and her new book It’s the Way You Say It. Her book is the best resource I’ve come across to improve your voice and nonverbal communication.

18. Make the conversation about others. We think we need to impress others by drawing attention to ourselves. The opposite is true. I once saw a man wearing a shirt that said, “Oh yea, that reminds me of something that allows me to talk about myself.” For many people, this couldn’t be more true. The last person you want to be is the one who starts telling a story about themselves as soon as they hear someone mention something related. You’ll make friends easily when the conversation is on their passions, their problems, their perceptions.

19. Show interest in what they have to say. If someone talks about the awesome day they had or the recent achievement they accomplished at work, it’s worth the recognition and respect that comes along with you intently listening. Did he land a new job? Shut up about your 10 million dollar deal and be happy for him. Lean forward, ask questions, have your mouth slightly open, and be in awe.

20. Talk about yourself. Yeah, that will impress people when done right. You see, fans of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People are so adamant on making the conversation about others and being interested in people. This makes a good impression on people – without it, you’re sure to be the person everyone wishes would be gagged for silence. However, if you really want to impress a guy or girl and make them into a friend, you need to talk about yourself.

We feel close to those we understand. Without that understanding of someone’s identity, we have our shields up. If someone talks about their hot air balloon experience, ask them questions, listen to them gas, then share how you’ve never done it before and would love to do it. They may just invite you to fly away some day after you impress them.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Top 15 Dumb Mistakes People Make in Relationships
2. Ways to Resolve Conflict When Others Avoid It
3. 10 Almost Guaranteed Ways to Fail in Life
4. How to Be Charming to Men and Women
5. 14 Social Skills Resources for an Amazing Social Life

Some of us possess more charm than others, while an unfortunate few remain in the proverbial dust cloud of those who courted their way ahead. In medieval times (and still to this day) magic had charm because of its mysteries and unknown that left outsiders dumbfounded. If you charm men and women, they’ll wonder what magic you wield to make people respect and like you.

It’s obvious that charming people get more affection from the opposite sex, get respected by strangers, and get the raise they want at work. Charming people have an easier, more enjoyable life.

The good news is if you have as much charm as a backyard rock, you too can transform into a captivating diamond. If you feel you’ll never outshine the one always topping you with a cooler line, relax then follow some of the best tips below to help you charm any man or woman.

Be Sociable

I was going to put “be nice”, but that can be interpreted as some of the worst advice ever. If you’re on a date, be nice to the valet people, waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and other service workers by smiling and saying, “G’day”. Ask them with genuine interest how their day is going. It’s charming to show friendliness to these people. If you’re a snotty snob, you’re looking worse by the second and the people around you will wonder how you do your hair so strategically to hide your horns.

Being sociable in everyday “micro-interactions” makes you charismatic. For a complete system to go from shy and lonely to sociable and talkative, get my Big Talk Training Course.

Show Confidence

This is undeniable. If you enter a social situation feeling good about yourself and looking your best, you’ll be fine. If you enter any situation with your tail between your legs worrying about doing something wrong, you probably will stuff up. That’s all I’m going to say about confidence as nobody can quickly tell you how to be confident.

Remember Arrogance is not Charm

Charm doesn’t mean you become Ron Burgundy, walk up to someone, then talk about how awesome you are. If two minutes into the conversation you’re bragging about your recent humanitarian efforts in Haiti and rattling off the titles of all the leather bound books in your office, you’re not a charmer; you’re an arrogant a-hole. Please stop talking. As you’re about to discover, real charm comes from receiving by doing things like being genuinely interested, not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Be Lively, Not Obnoxious

Whether you’re in a bar, at a restaurant, or attending an event in the park, if you’re the loudmouth that everyone can hear across the bar, they’ll want to punch you in the face. It’s not cute and it’s not charming to be the loud and obnoxious person.

Be Positive

I know I’m drowning you in cliches, but too many people I’ve talked to don’t understand how to charm men and women because of simple mistakes. Nobody wants to hang around Negative Nancy.

Being sarcastic and cynical is one thing, though it’s difficult to show that part of you in a non-negative way. I like to think of being positively sarcastic as a type of art form. It’s difficult to achieve, but you’re golden if you can properly execute it in a sparing manner.

Avoid discussing how much you hate your job, how bad your health is, how tasteless the music being played is, and how you’re having the worst hair day ever (even though you were just complimented on it). Steer clear of topics like death and suffering, but when they are brought up and others want to discuss them, you can talk about tough topics with a soothing calmness.

Complimenting people is one great way to be positive. I’ll briefly teach you how to compliment soon. When someone compliments you, avoid responding with, “Ugh, you think so? I don’t like it.” Graciously say thank you and leave it at that.

Show Interest

Many of us are inclined to start talking about ourselves once someone mentions their hobby, as in, “Oh you like traveling? I just got back from Guatemala. I was helping to pave that giant hole in the earth. Did you hear about that?”

Instead, ask about their travels first, otherwise you’ll look desperate to woo them with your God-like Earth-paving abilities and you’ll be made fun of as soon as you leave. Always ask at least one question when someone mentions their career or a hobby.

However, questioning itself doesn’t charm people. It’s how you lean forward, widen your eyes, and focus on the person’s every word that charms men and women. Pure presence is intimately mind-warping. You’ve got to experience it to know what I’m talking about. There’s a whole chapter on this in Big Talk that makes it easy to charm anyone.

As a rule of thumb, whenever someone shows interest in a topic, respond with equal interest or positive curiosity. Listen to what they say with genuine interest. Minutes will fly-by as they think you’re a great conversationalist. After being heard, they will be keen to hear the stories of your travels. Only then is it okay to brag about your Earth-healing adventure.

Keep in Mind Silence is Golden

Silence at the right time is charming. A silent look into someone’s eyes with a warming smile can say much more than hours of speech.

If you’re awful at moments of silence, practice showing interest in people and work on your listening skills. People have untapped knowledge deep listening digs up. If a guy is talking about a problem, listening intently helps him solve his own problems and it makes you look good! By actively listening you honor the talker’s thoughts and feelings and accept the person for who they are, which they’ll love you for.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Withhold Advice

Active listening means you withhold advice until the person is done talking. Keep your unwelcome or unnecessary opinions to yourself. If a woman goes on about how her family never listens to her, don’t respond with “It’s no wonder” nor should you give her your elite suggestions to solve the situation. (Feel free, though, to talk about me and refer her to TowerOfPower.com.au!)

Advice is 1 of 12 communication killers I give in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. You probably think you’re helping people with advice, but there’s four reasons solutions hurt relationships.

Show Your Sense of Humor

Men and women love a sense of humor. Whether you’re the equivalent of a stand-up comedian, sarcastic, sharp with your wit, dry or dark, don’t be afraid to let it show. Inhibition is the greatest barrier to being funny.

You likely abstain from humor in fear that it’ll make people laugh at you. Bad humor repels people more than not being funny so let your humor-radar carefully guide you through the social waters. If your sense of humor has you walk up to a woman to say, “I like my women like the preparation of a good coffee: ground up and in the freezer,” don’t count on getting far.

There’s hope for you to become funnier because humor is learned. Get Comedy Writing Secrets to learn how humor is structured.

Also, an unusual way to improve your sense of humor is to laugh. Laughter is after all, the other side of a sense of humor. Laughing gets you in a good mood and trains you to take yourself lightly. Also, we like people who laugh at our conversational humor. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex and spill your drink or twist up your words, laugh at yourself and relax about it. You can even playfully accuse the person for your accident: “Look what you did!”

Ease your way into humor by learning what works and what’s socially acceptable. Eventually, you’ll charm people with laughter.

Give Authentic, True, and Genuine Compliments

Everyone loves a compliment because it feels good to be admired, attractive, and appreciated. Men particularly love them because we naturally crave respect and honor. Love to a woman is like respect to a man. An effective compliment, nonetheless, charms any person.

Sincerity isn’t enough, however, for a compliment to make someone feel the triple As. Timing is also important. Showering someone with sweet words every hour is not attractive and takes away from the authenticity of everything else you say. A simple “you look great in that dress” or “you have beautiful eyes” is perfectly acceptable in small doses.

The last and most important factor to consider to give a killer compliment is figuring out what the person wants to be admired for. There’s no point praising a person on his shirt if he chose it with no care. However, if the person chose a shirt with the slogan “help save African children from Aids” because he worked in Africa for a few months fighting the disease, then the emotional connection he has with his shirt will make your compliment powerful.

Talk About Your Interests with Passion

Passion is infectious. If the person you’re talking to or interested in hears you speak with passion and enthusiasm about what you do, they will become more intrigued and inclined to notice those things as well. If you drone on about your job or how the last few vacations you took were a drag, you’ll come across as Debbie Downer or Derek Depressor that no one wants to travel with (or talk to). Unless, of course, they’re into taking a Jamaican cruise while listening to you rave on how the entire country is in shambles.

Balance Your Work and Social Life

Charming people have the time to charm people! You’re not going to win men and women over by sitting in your office cubicle or playing World of Warcraft to six in the morning. You can get out and better socialize with these 14 amazing social skills resources.

We’ve all used the “I can’t, I have to…” excuse on someone we’re not interested in, and have probably had it used on us. After awhile people are conditioned to think that anyone who says no or says they have another commitment is blowing them off because they’re disinterested. I’m not saying you have to cancel plans every time someone you’re interested in wants to spend time with you, but have a flexible schedule.

Few persons want to date or be friends with someone who always runs off to work. What’s more important if you frequently work instead of socialize? Do you think a charming person values work over his or her friends?

Be Ambitious

If you have some direction in your life and goals regarding where you see yourself in 10 years – even if your goal is purchasing a home, helping the homeless in your city get off the street, or getting a raise at your job – show something. Coming across as completely clueless with no goals or desires for your future means you’re not looking good.

For more tips with what you can do physically to improve your charm, a few key body language ideas follow.

Stand with Good Posture

An upright posture with your spine straight, your shoulders back and your chin up (not up the behind of the person you’re impressing, but not down at your chest, either) gived the added impression of self-confidence. Many people avoid standing this way because they feel uncomfortable or over powered, but over time standing with good posture will feel more natural and you will look better.

Relax Your Facial Muscles

As you’re reading this, your brow is likely to be a little furrowed, eyes squinted, and lips pursed. Maybe not all of these points, but some, right? Why are you doing this? Can you see the monitor just fine? Probably. Chances are you do some of these things when you’re out in public as well.

Tension is unconscious, but relaxation is conscious. A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm. Relax the muscles on your face to the point where you cannot detect tension. You may even want to make this a routine just before you enter a room to socialize.

Smile with Your Teeth

A smile that shows teeth is more appealing and more attractive than a smile with lips together. The later isn’t as natural and charming. Even if you don’t like your teeth, research proves showing them when you smile gives off more authenticity. It also helps show you’re enjoying yourself, which is a charming trait. Look your best and you’ll act your best. Your best is most charming.

Dress Comfortably

You may have worn an outfit that was “hot” or “appealing” or “fashionable,” but didn’t feel completely “yourself” in it. You feel wrong wearing something that isn’t you. You spend time adjusting, looking in the mirror and worrying you look ridiculous. It distracts too much of your brain.

The principle is this: get comfortable in what you wear or don’t wear it. Don’t go out of your way to wear something just because you heard it appeals to someone of the opposite sex. You’ll look more like a weirdo tugging at your outfit the whole night than if you wore your trustworthy outfit that hasn’t failed for years.

Authentic Charm

If you have yet to notice, charm is the art of having a good personality. And a “good personality” in this context is how good you are with people. Again, charm is good people skills.

Good looks is a part of charm, but even that forms your first impression with people so it relates to people skills. If you look good and you know it (and not in a cocky way), it will come through in your personality and you’re more likely to act your most “charming.”

Know who you are and be that person. If you’re trying to be the “smooth talker” and the next minute you’re the “jokester” and the next minute you’re the “quiet, flirty girl,” no one is going to buy it. Chances are, you’re a mix of all of those things. If you’re feeling shy, it will show. If you’re feeling flirty, it will show. I’m quite and flirty and work with that.

No matter what you do or no matter how hard you “try” to be charming, you’ll probably think someone is doing a better job than you, looks better than you, or seems to ease into conversation better than you. Don’t worry over another person’s antics. Let them be them and you be you. Comparing yourself to others devours too much energy better spent on talking and listening to an awesome person and charming their face off. Focus on doing that instead of mental mutilation.

Self-consciousness only hurts your ability to build friends. A charming person, after all, knows one’s charm is held in the eye of another man or woman.

(For hundreds more tips to help you make conversation, win friends, and get people thinking how great you are, check out the Big Talk Training Course.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. 5 Steps to a Charming (and Sexy!) Voice
2. What Women Want in Men
3. What Men Want in Women
4. 40 Ways to Make a Good First Impression
5. How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word

Over the past year I’ve collected some great resources on social skills I’d like to share with you now. Some are from friends of mine, myself, and just others who’ve given good insight into a topic.

From improving your social skills, overcoming anxiety, and starting a conversation, all the way to ongoing conversation, being charismatic, and making people laugh, here are some great resources I recommend you read even if they take you a while to get through (each of these great resources will open in a new window so you keep track of this page):

1. How to Improve Your Social Skills: 8 Tips from the Last 2500 Years

Henrik Edberg has some good social skills insight to share. A lot of what he discusses builds on from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Read some of his other posts on communication and socializing if you have the time.

2. 25 Ways to Relieve Anxiety

I mostly teach people how to deal with their past, rework their mind, and get into the present to overcome social anxiety, but this post has some good alternatives to deal with anxiety disorders. Read it if you’re shy and struggle talking to strangers. It’s unlikely to cure your social anxiety though it will help make you more comfortable in social situations.

3. 101 Conversation Starters People Love

A goldmine from none other than yours truly. You get everything needed to start a conversation with anyone.

4. 40 Ways to Make a Good First Impression

According to research, if someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. In this killer article of mine, you’re given 40 tips on body language, conversation techniques, and mind strategies to quickly and permanently impress people.

5. 7 Hacks to Remember Any Name

End the embarrassment of forgetting someone’s name by using seven neat mind-tricks. Charismatic persons like Richard Branson are masters at remembering people’s names. You may not become a billionaire by knowing John is John, yet people will feel special, you won’t feel awkward, and your relationships will be richer.

6. 3 Quick Ways to Never Let Your Conversation Run Out

There’s a lot of garbage advice out there on how to keep a conversation going. Most people just don’t know what they do to continually talk to anyone. You’ll want to read this short article by a guy called Schmidty to help you keep talking to people.

7. 10 Tips: How to Be Funny

Onto some cool skills now that make you a better socializer. Even if you’re a serious type of person, you can lighten and learn how to be funny. Your ability to make people laugh will win you many friends, business deals, and glances from the opposite sex that make you glee in delight.

8. 50 Body Language Secrets You Need to Succeed In Life

Though the start of the article mentions a major communication myth, you get 50 great little tricks to improve your often overlooked nonverbal communication. You can say all the right things when socializing, yet ignore your nonverbal communication and you may look like a weirdo. Get your body language down pat to be cool.

9. 10 Ways to Instant Charisma

You’ll notice this post on charisma summarizes points in other resources mentioned here. Read it if you want to become more likable and win the respect of people you don’t yet know.

10. Tips on Effective Listening

Listening is another topic of many where many “self-help experts” give ordinary advice like “maintain eye contact” and “repeat the person’s words”. There’s more to socializing, rapport, and friendship than the surface aspects of communication. Written by a therapist, this article on effective listening will have you more deeply connecting to people. Listening most times is at least 50% of a conversation so make sure you master this skill if you want to be popular and make cool friends.

11. Presence in Relationships

You might be surprised to see something about presence here. Someone “present” is in the Now. They are fully absorbed in the present moment. Presence is a secret skill in Big Talk. When you’re present in conversations, you’re free from anxiety and you deeply connect to people. You get the feeling of being in the zone as time and worry banishes.

12. How to Make Friends and Get a Social Life

Author Chris use to be a shy, awkward loser. I can call him that because I used to be as well and I’m linking to his article! If you’re not good at making friends and have a social life of stalking others on Facebook, you’ll get a lot of practical tips and theories in this useful resource.

13. How to Network with Busy People

This 12-part series written by Steve Pavlina, a leading self-help blogger, shows how to get in contact and build relationships with hard to reach people so you dominate life. Should you become a successful networker, life becomes easy because you have resourceful and trustworthy connections.

14. Your suggestion

Have something amazing to share with other readers? Contact me or comment below. If I feel it’s a one-of-a-kind helpful resource, it may appear in this list!

I hope you enjoyed these social skills resources. Make sure you follow me on Twitter and like Tower of Power on Facebook for more great resources, books, and lessons to build friends and influence people.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom
2. Teaching Your Child Listening Skills
3. Review of Elite Social Control by Hamilton Miller
4. Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills – and What to Do About It
5. 10 Almost Guaranteed Ways to Fail in Life

Inaccurate biases make it more strenuous than it already is for an introvert to attend parties, network at events, and socialize anywhere. Introverts must understand the truth about their personality type to maximize their career, build a fun social life, and enjoy happy relationships.

What is an Introvert?

On the playground, children compare their belly buttons with one another. If you had an outtie, you were laughed at and probably labeled “weird”. If you had an innie, you were considered a part of the group.

The feelings of belly buttons in the playground are reversed for the extroverted and introverted personality types. Innies (introverts) are considered weird while outties (extroverts) are the norm. This perception of introversion and extroversion flow from misinterpreting their original definitions, which makes it scary to be an introvert.

Carl Jung brought the “introversion” and “extroversion” terms into our language. Jung defined introversion as “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life.” He defined extroversion as “the act, state, or habit of being predominantly concerned with and obtaining gratification from what is outside the self.” These definitions when misinterpreted confirm most people’s idea of introverts being self-centered anti-social beings while extroverts happily socialize and enjoy relationships.

Introverts are not narcissistic persons. Just as introverts are not necessarily self-centered, extroversion isn’t synonymous with popularity and compassion for others.

The correct definition Jung gave introversion and extroversion is the direction of psychic energy. Psychic energy is hard to conceptualize, measure, and even describe, which makes some modern day psychologists disagree with the concept, but I like to think of it as a life force exchanged with the world.

The flow of psychic energy describes where your energy tends to reside while you think and socialize. If you have an inward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from solitude making you an introvert. You get energized from reading, listening to music, and being alone.

If you have an outward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from interactions with people making you an extrovert. Extroverts need to be around people otherwise they feel drained.

Lets look into this further. The knowledge I’m giving you in this article has given me tremendous freedom and acceptance that nothing is inherently wrong with me. I’ve found the more I understand myself, the more acceptance, self-love, and compassion I have for who I am. This self-love allows me to make great friends.

Introversion and Extroversion Model

Since Jung, the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test is famous for its accuracy at defining people’s personality type. Introversion and extroversion is one of four dichotomies in a MBTI test, but by itself provides a lot of insight into your own way of feeling and behaving. Knowing the signs of an introvert is a great way to understand this personality type.

You may notice the opposite personality type occasionally surfaces from your behavior as you more accurately deduce introversion and extroversion. If you’re an introvert, for example, sometimes you may find yourself excited and energized talking to people. Extroverts also need moments of silence in solitude. Rare persons have the “pure personality type” of extreme introversion or extroversion.

Jung said the degree of introversion and extroversion varies along a continuum. We exist between the two extremes. It’s common as we age to move towards the center of introversion and extroversion by losing the introverted or extroverted characteristics once embodied.

The Challenge of Being an Introvert

According to introvert expert Marti Laney, an innie herself and author of The Introvert Advantage, we live in an extrovert world. Lang says about 75% of people are extroverts, leaving 25% to be introverts.

Like Laney, I’m an introvert! ToP subscribers are surprised to hear I’m introverted. They envision a communication skills coach as someone with wit, has a lot to say, loves to talk with people, and is dominant in conversations. I’ve built up some of these characteristics, but I’m absolutely an innie. I think that’s why a lot of shy people love connecting with me.

From my experiences, I’ve wondered why introversion makes life and socializing feel like an uphill battle. The general perception of introversion is bad for several reasons – some of which were revealed earlier.

Extroverts are put on holy ground reigning over introverts. Extroverts enjoy themselves in conversations, move forward in their careers, give the best presentations, persuade people to buy, and win dates. What about introverts? They are labeled as anti-social nerds that cannot converse with people because they have no social skills. Both beliefs are myths.

If introversion is generally frowned upon, it makes sense then to try and be an extrovert. Can such personality transform occur?

You cannot transform yourself from one personality type to the other contrary to common lies told by self-help gurus. I’m not saying introverts are forever stuck with a suck social life. I’ve found you can change from an introvert to an extrovert in the sense that you can become more social. You don’t really change from an introvert to an extrovert – you embody the characteristics often associated with extroversion.

You may mistake introversion for shyness or anxiety – such qualities and experiences have nothing to do with an introverted personality. Nonetheless, introverts are often uncomfortable meeting people because their personality pushes them away from socializing. Anyone becomes anxious without experience and practice.

Breakthrough Brain Battle: Introverts Versus Extroverts

Nerds in lab coats can see if you’re introverted or extroverted by injecting radioactive material into your body then looking at how your brain functions. You won’t turn into Radioactive Man from the Simpsons, but the findings will help you appreciate how you socialize and feel about yourself.

In a popular study by Dr. Debra Johnson, positron emission tomography was used to look at the blood flow of extroverts and introverts after participants completed a personality test. The medical technique involves injecting patients with a small amount of radioactive material into their bloodstream before a brain scan to see the brain’s activity. Red indicates high blood flow and intense activity.

The first significant finding Dr. Johnson discovered was that introverts had more blood flow in the brain. Their brains were stimulated more than extroverts. Secondly – and more importantly in understanding the difference between introversion and extroversion – Dr. Johnson discovered that introverts had intense blood flow through brain regions responsible for memory, planning, and problem solving.

Extroverts on the other hand, had intense activities in faster regions of the brain where sensory information of sights, sounds, touch, and taste (not smell) is processed. Extroverts were soaking in the visuals of the scanning machines, voices of the researchers, and feelings of the surface they lay on! Fascinating!

Dr. Johnson had extended on Jung’s definition of extroversion and introversion. She concluded based on blood flow in the brain that introverts revel in their inner world while extroverts direct their focus on the outer world.

Benefits of Being an Introvert

Up to this point in the article, you can now appreciate your personality type, which by itself helps you thrive in an extrovert world. You come to see where your strengths and weaknesses dwell. Keep in mind, however, that because we’re all blended with introverted and extroverted characteristics, you’re not excluded from the benefits and downfalls of either personality type.

There are further situations, careers, and skills each personality type is strong thanks to the qualities discussed in this article.

Extroverts thrive in situations and careers like emergency services, mediators, stockbrokers, and pilots that require quick responses. They love logical analysis for quick decisive action. They also have a curiosity for exploration and creation, which leads them to fields of science, marketing, investigation, acting, and entrepreneurship.

An extroverted person tends to focus on the present moment. These people prefer to be around others instead of reading, sitting at a computer, or doing some other social activity.

Introverts on the other hand, thrive in unique situations on their own. They are reliable experts at assimilating information by gathering complex information and filtering it through their experiences and knowledge. Examples of these people include accountants, engineers, computer programmers, and counselors.

An introvert generally has trouble meeting and talking with strangers, but they are good at building deep connections with people by listening, understanding, and appearing calm. Their ability to listen and understand with calmness makes them good writers and psychologists.

If an introvert learns to meet and talk with people, he or she may find the later stage of the relationship easy to maintain. People conversing with introverts feel surprised and intimate to discover a personal self hidden from others.

Your personality does not have to be the sole determinant of success and happiness. Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Clint Eastwood are a few famous introverts in an extroverted industry. I know many successful communication trainers like myself who confidently socialize and enjoy life with an introvert personality.

There’s a lot to love about your personality – stop being ashamed of it. Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, you can build friends, influence people, and live a life you enjoy. No matter your personality, it’s up to you to build the skills that give you the life you want.

(I developed the Big Talk Training Course to help the shyest introvert socialize and talk with anyone. What makes this course even better for introverts is I’m an introvert and know what’s it like to suffer at social events not knowing what to say. I recommend you check out the course by clicking here if you’re frustrated with your social life, have few friends, and don’t know how to talk with people.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Introvert and Extrovert Personality Test – Are You An Innie or Outtie?
2. 14 Social Skills Resources for an Amazing Social Life

Are children’s listening skills declining as a side effect of the 21st century? More importantly, does a child of yours languish in poor listening and what can you do to improve their listening skills?

21st Century’s Affect on Listening

Evidence suggests that children’s listening skills have degraded in recent years. Many studies (such as ones listed in USA Today and MSNBC) conclude today’s children suffer from a lowered attention span due to activities like television and computer games. Peter Jensen at the National Institute of Mental Health concludes: “Extensive exposure to television and video games may promote development of brain systems that scan and shift attention at the expense of those that focus attention.”

If you have children, I’m sure sometimes you feel talking to them is like chatting to a brick wall. Children at times shrug you off, ignoring what you have to say. Parents think the solution to poor listening skills comes down to discipline. They may yell at the child or spank them for not paying attention.

The problem is beyond discipline, however. Some children cannot fix their attention on one thing for long periods of time. They have no chance to effectively listen when they cannot build their focus and develop other fundamental skills through interactions with peers and adults.

Television and other solo activities fail to foster a child’s fundamental talking and listening skills. Children sit in front of a gaming console, computer, or television then become mind-slaves to the device. They “switch off” their brain into the rapid, hypnotic pace these devices deliver.

Computer games and other highly immersive activities require high concentration levels and skill to play. When concentration and skill blend, time distorts to form an internal state of enjoyment behavioral psychologists call “flow”. Most people who’ve played a computer game will describe the flow state when they say hours fly by in apparently a short period of time.

Flow can be addictive. It is more enjoyable than following Dad’s orders. The change of pace from a Mario game to hearing a parent complain about undone homework is slow, boring, and annoying. A computer and television deliver sounds and visuals more captivating than a nagging parent. However, are computer games and other 21st century influences to blame for these problems?

I don’t know if computer games directly contribute to poor listening – though research hints at a correlation – but I do know that a lack of interaction develops poor listening. Computer games and similar gadgets cause children to develop poor listening skills when their number of interactions dwindle. Communication skills take practice.

Look at this issue of focus and language development instead of thinking poor discipline causes a child to poorly listen. The first thing you can do to teach your child better listening skills is to help them make better choices of activities to participate in during the day. Aim to develop your child’s patience so he or she at least has the chance to pay attention to a person who speaks.

Activities such as computer games are not evil. A total ban is unnecessary, but moderation is required. Reducing the amount of electronic stimulation helps develop the child’s social skills because of more face-to-face interaction. In addition, it increases the chance of improving your child’s health from less time spent sitting down. Follow President George Bush’s cheeky advice when he said, “They put an off button on the TV for a reason. Turn it off.”

Schools Encourage Poor Listening Skills

In addition to activities such computer games hurting children’s listening skills, schools are also to blame. Keep this quiet from your children. They will use it as another excuse to not go to school! I would have.

School teachers speak in front of students for long periods of time. The listening to speaking ratio is severely imbalanced. Children are required to keep quite and pay attention – so-called “listening” – as they associate good listening with not interrupting and not saying a word, which creates “mindless” hearing in their relationship communication.

If you are a teacher, one of the best things you can do is randomly call out students to briefly summarize what you have said and reward them for good, attentive listening. When a child does not listen, you could be the cause because teachers can be boring!

Unless you are a teacher, unfortunately, there is little you can do about the speaking to listening ratio in classrooms. Nonetheless, it helps to be aware of its affect on your child’s listening skills.

Fun Listening Activities for Your Child

Activities, fun, and games are some of the best ways to teach children. You can integrate children’s favorite learning style into helping them improve their listening skills. I have come up with some practical listening activities you can do with children to improve their listening skills:

• Read to your child then have him or her talk to you about what you read. Children’s understanding of books are abstract (though sometimes you’ll be surprised at their intelligence) and lead to seemingly unrelated tangents drawn from their experiences, but that is irrelevant. Your goal in this exercise is to build a relationship and help them focus. This activity is also excellent activity because the lessons in the book builds a child’s knowledge. You may even want to buy a children’s book where the characters learn to listen!
• Not so much an activity as it is a skill, but teach your child to listen non-verbally. Too often children get distracted. Have them maintain reasonable eye-contact with the speaker and develop other non-verbal skills such as facing you, not fidgeting, and maintaining good posture where appropriate. These skills will boost their self-confidence and social skills.
• When you say something to your child throughout the day, ask your child to say his or her understanding of what you said. A perfect rehashing of your words is superfluous; you are only after the main meaning of the message.
• You can make a game if you have several children. Have someone talk in front of the other children. At the end, ask a question about something from the talk. The child with the best answer can get a reward. Watch how closely the children listen!

How to Teach Your Child Better Listening Through Modeling

Another way to teach your child to listen is by developing your listening skills. Monkey see, monkey do. Here are some ideas to help you become a good role model:

• Avoid interruption. When someone says something we disagree with, we love to interrupt and prove them wrong. As a parent, you may be vulnerable to use your authority over you child by interrupting them. Hear your child and they will be less likely to interrupt you.
• Be honest. Just like adults, children can see when you do not listen. Be attentive and honest in your listening. Do not trick children into thinking you are listening when you are actually planning what to eat for dinner. Have good body language with an authentic mindset of truly understanding the child.
• Have patience. You cannot expect your child to be patient and attentively listen to you when you cannot be patient yourself. Avoid filling in what a child is trying to say. Children take longer than adults to say what is on their mind.
• Be together. By interacting and building a relationship with your children, they spend more time with you. The more time you have in their lives, the more influential you become.
• Additional resources. Learn more effective listening skills from other articles on my ToP blog to improve your listening and become better role model for your child.

Spend time with your child to develop their knowledge, listening skills, focus, and your relationship. Adults who use the activities provided earlier and develop their own listening skills, become an excellent role model. It is harder to do than plonking them in front of the television, but the rewards of raising a socially intelligent child are worth the effort.

While the 21st century may hurt a child’s listening skills, you can help your little one overcome communication difficulties presented by the modern world. Help your children acquire vital communication skills most adults fail to develop. Teach your child listening skills today to improve your family’s togetherness and provide the child with foundational communication skills that last a lifetime.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. 14 Social Skills Resources for an Amazing Social Life
2. The Benefits of Communication Skills
3. Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills – and What to Do About It
4. The Four Parenting Styles in Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behavior