The most common tip you hear to be better with women and men is “just be yourself”. Jump in a forum, blog, or conversation where people discuss the secrets of making friends or attracting the opposite sex and you’ll hear the unanimous piece of advice echoed like ancient wisdom. I’ve received many emails and comments on articles like What Women Want in Men saying, “Forget everything. Just be yourself.” I manage to withhold from clicking reply and sending an angry response.

If being yourself is sound advice, it’s as useless as being told to “be confident”. How do you just be confident? You can’t just do it. Unless the word triggers what you need to do like “express your feelings” or “stand up straight”, being yourself is not helpful advice.

It’s time you understood this cliché and what you can do to be the best full you.

Why You’re Told to Be Yourself

“It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.” – Aeschylus, ancient Greek playwright and father of tragedy

Understand the reasons people say to be yourself and you begin breaking down the belief it’s useful advice.

The majority don’t know how to attract women, get a guy, or make friends. Asking the average person how to keep a conversation going is like questioning a poor man for the secrets to be rich. If you ask your well-intentioned mum how you can get that cute girl at school, she’ll tell you to be yourself because she knows no better. Few have studied what makes one good with people.

The second reason someone tells you to “just be yourself” is to reassure you that as a person you’re fine. To change something about you implies something is wrong and flawed. Those who care for you want to preserve your self-esteem.

The third reason someone tells you to “just be yourself” is that’s what most of us have heard about social skills our entire lives. Popularity creates familiarity and belief.

Mention these three weapons to counter the folly advice and you’ll be told “okay, then just be patient” and “it’s not meant to be if it doesn’t work out”. The reasons someone tells you to be yourself also explain this pathetic advice.

Talk to these people about conversational strategies, body language, or NLP and you’ll see a blank look flush over their face. It’s like getting a layman to explain how a bulb is switched on. Most lack understanding and consciousness of everyday systems we take for granted.

The Dangers of Being Yourself

“You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.” – Mike Murdock, televangelist.

One of the main differences between happy, successful people and their opposite is an attitude of responsibility towards creation. The common miserable man believes he’s a victim of the world. “There’s no point learning how to speak on stage because I’m bad at it.” A belief that being yourself is the way to go creates victimization and laziness to get what you want.

“Just be yourself” excuses you from leaving your comfort zone. It grants you permission to surf the Internet all day, not approach someone you want to talk to, or avoid that class you’re interested in learning from. Such thinking is like: “This feels uncomfortable so it’s unnatural. I better stop.”

An unchallenged body does not know itself. Talk to someone who’s been through severe adversity and you’ll hear someone who knows what matters to them. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience,” said Martin Luther King, Jr. “but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

The risk in being yourself and not leaving your comfort zone is stagnation towards achieving your goals. You get your current results in life for a reason. If you’re fat, I guarantee you eat and think different to models on TV or bodybuilders. If you’re lonely, I guarantee you move and think different to someone popular. If you’re shy, I guarantee you talk and think different to a confident person. In this lies the problem of being yourself: you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got and be what you’ve always been.

The Case for Being Yourself

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.” – Pearl Bailey, American actress and singer

If you’re fuming about what you’ve read, I’ve just undermined your belief system of what to do to be good with people. To get what you want, you have to evolve. If you keep your daily habits, your future will be the same if not worse.

Pete Sampras, Wade Gretzky, or Jack Nicklaus didn’t give up after a lost match, missed shot, or lost tournament. They certainly did not think being themselves was the secret to sporting success. Each of them practiced something everyday that wasn’t “them”.

Your true self is not your habitual self. You do what you do now for many reasons. Influences of what you do include friends, family, culture, and general experience in the world. A woman can be a rape victim fearful of intimacy or she can be a loving wife. Experience shapes who you are but it doesn’t define you. You define yourself.

“Just be yourself” has too broad of a meaning to be useful. Getting more focused, there are certain situations where it is good to be yourself depending on context and meaning.

Being yourself is good advice when its understood as not comparing yourself to others. When you compare yourself to the billionaire or the guy who gets a hot new woman every week, you’ll feel worthless. You’re better off doing what I call a “self-to-self comparison” where you juxtapose your present self to your past self. Your past is too different from others to compare yourself with them. Stop putting people on pedestals.

Being yourself is also good advice for authentic conversation. “When one is pretending the entire body revolts,” wrote French author Anais Nin. Psychologist Paul Ekman gave the term “microexpressions” to describe how the face gives off subtle signals of one’s true feelings. You can say you’re fine about a friend going to a movie without you, but your narrowed lips and eyebrows close together give the person an intuitive signal you’re angry.

Try fake a smile in the mirror and you’ll get a sense for the weirdness of being unauthentic. You can begin to imagine how hiding yourself damages relationships. Most of my teenage years were spent with a mask on covering my true feelings with family because of shame. Your emotional health and relationships eventually suffer when you’re not yourself.

Why then do we act “fake” in relationships? You’d most likely do it because you fear rejection and not being loved for who you are. If someone doesn’t like your mask, that’s only your mask not you.

To be the full you entails vulnerability. The best you entails equal effort, fear, and risk. If this scares you, know that a challenge will cause evolution. The best full you is saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and doing what you can to be trustworthy, reliable, and responsible.

The path to the best you is not easy if you’ve been unauthentic most of your life. People judge and treat you a certain way based on the image they expect you to uphold. Heck, you have an image of you called a self-image that regulates what you do.

The question is what’s yours at the moment and what do you want it to be? As you answer and think about that question throughout the week, keep in mind what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.”

The next time you hear “just be yourself”, email or post the link of this article to your advice-giver.

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She senses the executives are better than her. She feels below standard because the executives are dressed in suits while she wears a basic top and skirt. She does not know the executives very well and finds it hard to socialize with them, which makes her feel less as a person. Regardless of the superficial reason for her difference that makes her feel less than the executives, the real problem is her inferiority complex.

In 1912, a psychologist by the name of Alfred Alder wrote a book titled The Neurotic Character. His research in the book founded a popular area of psychology known as the inferiority complex, a term that describes a sense of inferiority an individual feels about oneself towards other people. It revolves around social status, power, ego, and dominance. You will have an inferiority complex when you feel less than people. You think other people are better than you.

Sally in our example feels inferior because she thinks the executives are better than her. Her inferiority has nothing to do with not knowing the executives, being dressed differently, or having a less prestigious job. Her interpretation of this situation that makes her feel below standard creates her inferiority.

An inferiority complex can arise when you experience an imagined or conditioned feeling of inferiority. As is the case for most people, it is a combination of imagination and subtle conditioning. You feel inferior when an event takes place, which makes you feel less than others (conditioning aspect), and your creative imagination (imagination aspect) would “blow out” your understanding of the event beyond what seems reasonable to another person.

The conditioning aspect in Sally’s example is her actual differences to the executives. She is wearing different clothes to the executives and she is not “a part of the group” based on her employment status. The imagination aspect for Sally is her clothes fall below standards, the executives are better than her, the executives want nothing to do with her because of her difference, plus many other irrationalities she thinks that makes her feel like a lesser human. The big difference between conditioning and imagination hold the answer to cure your inferiority complex.

The First Main Factor of Inferiority: Conditioning

I would be completely lying and doing everyone a disfavor if I said, “The inferiority complex is all in the mind. Just stop thinking you’re inferior because you’re not.” If it were so simple, billions of people would not experience feelings of inferiority sometime in their life. The inferiority complex is society’s psychological black plague that devours too many lives.

My main motivation in writing this article was to provide an accurate source of information to overcome the problem based on what works. The information in this article is a collection of the most useful advice on the inferiority complex I have synthesized over the years, along with specific lessons I have developed to overcome my own inferiority complex; unlike personal development teachers I know of who solely emphasize positiveness to overcome feelings of inferiority.

I did some brief browsing on the web to see what information was available on the inferiority complex, and most of the advice offered is harmful. “Experts” were telling people “things will get better”, “be more positive”, or “it’s not so bad”. If you have the inferiority complex and someone says similar things to you, you will understand the massive frustration caused from the misunderstanding when someone gives you such poor advice.

Positive thinking can be nicely understood through an analogy in a Bible verse. In Luke chapter five (NKJV), Jesus was talking to complaining Pharisees. Jesus replied to them in a parable so they would be more likely to understand:

“No one puts a piece from a new garment on an old one otherwise the new makes a tear, and also the piece that was taken out of the new does not match the old. And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; or else the new wine will burst the wineskins and be spilled, and the wineskins will be ruined.”

The garment and the wineskins examples are what positive thinking does to our self-image. A new patch over the bad garment improves the garment a little bit, yet it is still its same old self. If new wine (positive thinking) is poured into old wineskins (your poor self-image of feeling inferior), then nothing good will result. It is a battle of willpower and what is known as creative imagination.

Positive thinking can slightly improve the situation, but in the end it usually results in frustration as your willpower becomes exhausted. Willpower results in an oscillation between the problem and an absence of the problem – failing to create a permanent solution. You cannot use self-determination to cure feelings of inferiority. Whenever willpower fights creative imagination, creative imagination is the victor. I repeat for emphasis: Your creative imagination, which consists of images and feelings, will always conquer your willpower.

From personal experience and coaching others, I know first hand that a better self-image where you do not feel inferior cannot be achieved through positive self-talk, affirmations, and the like. Unfortunately, thousands of people have taught, and continue to teach, that using positive self-talk will overcome your problems. Positive self-talk is often nothing more than an attempt to live deliriously from reality, ignoring what really takes place.

When Doing Becomes Being – Why Failure and Criticism Fuel Inferiority

The primary factors of conditioning that determine whether you become inferior or rise above the circumstance is your attitude towards criticism and failure. Do not forget about the creative imagination component – the stronger influence of feeling inferior – yet criticism and failure most powerfully influence the conditioning component.

Criticism and failure will always bang at your door to success – more so as you achieve your goals. I have noticed that as readers of my newsletter (ToP Tips) and articles increase, so does the criticism. I get excited with this because I know the criticism signals achievement. Any criticism and failure has nothing to do with me – in fact, it usually has more to do with the other person.

You and I will always have our critics if we avoid mediocrity. Anyone that has achieved anything notable, sooner or later receives harsh criticism. Find a dark corner where you can hide from the world if you want to avoid criticism (but then again, you will be criticized for hiding). The Greek philosopher Aristotle said, “Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”

People criticize you because they either want to improve your life, desire to release their frustration, or have their own problems. Failure and criticism say nothing about you; rather, let them signal personal growth. You can take criticism as a sign of progressing in life. If I had not experienced feelings of inferiority, I would not have worked on myself and personally grown. No way would I be writing this article today. I am certain I would not teach any communication skills.

You will never eliminate criticism or failure. The conditioning aspect of inferiority will never vanish. Therefore, to overcome the inferiority complex you cannot expect to avoid failure, dodge criticism, and achieve perfection. You must learn, move on, and maintain a goal-focused attitude to overcome an inferiority complex.

Criticism and failure will never stop as long as you pursue goals. Problems arise when you let the two burglars get a foot hold within your life. You come to feel inferior by associating criticism and failure with how you see yourself. The thieves steal valuable mental goods important to your success.

You will always do things in an inferior way to what other people can do – there is no ignoring that – but a secret to overcome your inferiority complex is to stop associating yourself with your actions. Stop letting failure and criticism form your identity. Inferiority arises when doing becomes being. When you associate what you do with yourself, actions of doing become actions of being.

A young guy gets poor results at school. He associates his grades with his intelligence – leading him to believe he is dumb. Is he really dumb because he was too lazy to study? No. A guy that gets poor results at school and does not feel inferior, dissociates himself with the result. He does not let his lack of study and effort over the school year make him feel that he is his outcome.

When you feel criticism is a signal of your unworthiness, only then does it stimulate inferiority, shame, and failure. Do not take criticism personally and think of yourself as a failure. Justly deserved criticism needs to be used as feedback to adjust your course of action back on the path of success.

The Three Factors of Criticism – Don’t Let These Get You Down

We all have been criticized. Some people suffer while others flourish and experience great levels of confidence, success, happiness, and intimate relationships. Why is this? What can you learn from this to overcome your inferiority complex?

The underlying reason some people feel inferior from criticism and failure, while other people flourish under such feedback, is how they react to the three components of criticism: the power of the sender, intensity, and frequency. You cannot control the three components of criticism – as is true for any conditioning aspect of inferiority – but you can control your reaction to them (the imagination component).

If you are passionate about boxing and Muhammad Ali said you are a hopeless boxer, his power and status intensifies the criticism. In addition, if his criticism was delivered in an intense outburst, the criticism would have a bigger impact on you feeling inferior as a boxer. If Ali also constantly reminded you how hopeless you are at boxing, this would stimulate further inferiority. The sender, intensity, and frequency of positive and negative messages impact how we feel about ourselves.

What matters, however, is your reaction. Think of a time when the power of the sender, intensity of the criticism, and the frequency of criticism made you feel inferior. If you can – and I suggest you do – make your selected memory one related to your current feelings of inferiority. If you are a shy person, perhaps think of a time when someone told you to stop talking because you have nothing good to say.

Once you have come up with one or several memories, ask yourself these questions:

• What were you thinking when the person made you feel inferior?
• What emotions did you experience?
• What self-talk followed the person’s negative feedback?
• How long did these feelings and thoughts last?
• How intense were these feelings and thoughts?

After answering these questions, if you reacted poorly to the negative feedback given to you in these situations, you should now be aware of how your feelings of inferiority develop. This is big. If you have the inferiority complex or know someone with it, I hope you’re getting excited about this insight.

The powerful lesson we can learn from this is that people’s criticism and other types of negative feedback has no power over you. It is not the events that make you inferior; it is your reaction to the events. It is the thoughts and feelings you experience after the event that determine whether your inferiority grows or dies. The conditioning aspect of inferiority partly manifests through the criticism of others – if you let it – yet your reaction to the event determines how you feel about yourself.

You condition yourself to feel inferior through self-criticism. You become your own worst enemy. The failed events and experiences shape your identity, making you appear a failure.

Harmful feelings trail behind harmful thoughts. You start to feel inferior. You use your creative imagination poorly and begin to evoke images of failure, misery, shame, unworthiness, and low self-esteem. All the negative messages you’ve accepted over time mold your self-image to make you feel inferior. You eventually believe you are inferior. That is essentially how an inferiority complex develops – through your creative imagination.

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David DeAngelo starts off by letting readers know that his Double Your Dating ebook is not an encyclopedia, but a reference to being successful with women. It is not intended to be a complete resource on how men can attract women. It is, however, a mighty fine start. He provides strong foundations that any guy must know in order to become successful with women and dating.

After a decade’s experience in learning how to attract women, DeAngelo knows how guys approach the subject of learning how to be successful with women. Too often he has seen guys take a mental standpoint where they mistake themselves for knowing the information while they don’t put the skills to use. He mentions the need for guys to go out and practice the attraction skills he teaches. Many guys seeking advice from him are intelligent, but smart can be dumb. The skills he teaches, like any other, require practice. No great skill or canned pick-up lines will make a guy succeed with women and dating if they are not practiced, adapted, and understood.

There are many canned lines given in the ebook, which give you a strong frame of reference for creating your own lines, but “what to say” is not the basis behind the ebook. The ebook is not filled with lines; it is a holistic reference to become successful with women. The given lines act like the framework for tough situations, such as the complete guide on what to do and say to get a woman’s phone number. The ebook is a powerful reference to create the whole mindset a guy must have if he wants to start dating physically and emotionally attractive women.

This touches on another topic where guys complain about these attraction skills not being their natural self. The author says the majority of guys have no idea how to attract women because their natural self is bottled inside of fear, anxiety, and placing women on a pedestal. Once guys practice and internalize the information, they are then given the privilege to behave as their natural self. Being yourself is an earned privilege and not a right.

DeAngelo’s teachings come from his own experience, and years of studying experts. He has slashed through the loads of dating and psychology advice for men, most of which is useless or harmful, so you can be certain his guidance and tips work. (I have heard him describe his learning experience from the loads of information as walking through a jungle with a machete slashing through the crap that gets in the way of men being successful with women.)

Theory of Attraction and Dating Women

In traditional DeAngelo fashion, he begins Double Your Dating with theory. He briefly goes back a few thousand years to identify the psychological factors of women that remain unchanged to this day. There are inherit differences between the way women and men think, feel, and behave. By taking advantage of these differences – instead of letting them confuse you, like most guys who are unaware of gender differences in dating and attraction – you become more successful with women.

Most men new to attraction and the whole “pick-up scene” make the mistake of assuming women are only interested in handsome, tall, wealthy, and powerful men. These guys may also mistake women as wanting similar characteristics in men that guys want in women. DeAngelo teaches that women are naturally attracted to handsome, tall, wealthy, or powerful men. Though these characteristics instinctively trigger a woman’s natural feelings of attractiveness towards a guy, a man who develops his confidence, social skills, and attraction triggers can elicit more powerful sexual feelings from within her. What matters most is how a man makes a woman feel through his personality and communication. There are plenty of wealthy, tall, good looking men who get women’s attention, but cannot keep it because they disobey the principles in DeAngelo’s ebook.

Helping Men Transform

Two general principles I loved, which stood out from Double Your Dating, is the mindset you must have to become good at something and the need to constantly improve yourself. Though the ebook provides quick, short-term tips to be successful with women, the guys who make the commitment and effort to practice the advice get greater success with women than the guys after quick canned lines. Making a commitment to yourself with persistent effort is a sure way to get the most out of any goal you desire. The second principle of constantly improving yourself will do all guys a miracle in becoming more emotionally and physically attractive.

DeAngelo teaches guys many skills in the ebook that I recommend to people to improve their social skills and feelings about themselves. He shows you how to adjust your attitude, change negative beliefs to empowering beliefs, boost your self-esteem, become a man women know is sexually attractive, and general psychological betterment. The exercises he provides improves many areas of anyone’s life – they are not limited to helping guys become more successful with women.

Become a True Man

One point I think you will love most in the ebook are the strategies and exercises to overcome your fears of approaching women. Too many guys let their fear of approaching stop them from success with women. I felt DeAngelo was speaking directly to me with my past fears of going up to girl and getting rejected.

Another interesting point worth noting is “ass kissing” behavior, like buying a woman’s affection, is to be avoided at all times. In any situation where the motive behind complimenting is manipulative, you can expect a poor response. The basis of the ebook transforms these natural tendencies guys have into challenging behaviors. A guy in control of his life who can playfully tease women communicates sexually attractive qualities.

The personality styles that turn women on is, by itself, enough reason to check out the ebook. These personality styles go beyond personalities that women love – they are an entire life-changing mindset. One particular personality style of many I’ll share with you to demonstrate what I’m talking about is the “aggressive” personality. This personality is not about beating up women or being a jerk; it refers to pursuing a goal with passion, persistence, and determination. Women attract to men that work aggressively towards their passionate goals. It communicates energy, protection, security, and a future outlook, which ties in with the traits that instinctively attract women.

Quite possibly the greatest thing about Double Your Dating, which was added in the second edition, is the action exercises after every chapter. I cannot stress enough the need to practice any skill. Practicing is especially important in the dating world because fear unnecessarily prevents both men and women from dating success. A lot of people develop their fears from thinking too much. The action exercises act like little steps to get guys where they want to be in the dating world. These steps backed by a lot of real-world advice from the author means guys can go from not even being able to approach a girl, to having a great long-term relationship.

Overall, I was very pleased with the ebook. David DeAngelo’s style of writing was casual. I’ve observed his company and products for over three years. It is great to see the success they have given many thousands of men around the world in diverse cultures.

I know readers of the ebook that have more than doubled their dating – they have gone from never having a girlfriend to dating ten women a month. It’s crazy how much success some men now have with women after reading Double Your Dating. These men are now the selectee instead of the selected.

If you’re a guy wondering how you can be more successful with women, DeAngelo’s ebook shows you how. I believe all men, if they practice hard, can “mold with their hands” the kind of success with women they want. If only every man could read it, they would not experience years of frustration, loneliness, and fear that controls their lives.

Double Your Dating has my recommendations behind it! Sign up to David’s newsletter by clicking here. Once you sign up, you will be taken to a page where you can download his ebook Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women (Second Edition). (If you’re already signed up to his newsletter, just enter a fake name and email to continue to the next step so you can get your copy of his ebook.)

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Maxwell Maltz became a plastic surgeon in the 1920′s and successfully changed people’s physical appearance for decades. In his private New York practice he operated on people from all around the world like well-known celebrities. People entered Maltz’s practice with poor perceptions of themselves as they underwent operation in hope to look and feel like a new person.

Some clients following their operations left Dr. Maltz’s practice feeling happy with the surgery he performed. Other times, though patients had successful operations, they left feeling unhappy. It wasn’t too long until Dr. Maltz operated on them again to correct another “wrong feature” of their body. Dr. Maltz became curious. He wondered why some individuals maintained unusual perceptions of their body despite undergoing successful plastic surgery and correcting their unlikable body features. He investigated why people had inflated and distorted pictures of their physical “defects”.

After years of research and experience, Dr. Maltz came up with the reason plastic surgery did not solve people’s image problems: plastic surgery successfully healed people’s physical defects, but these people still had “emotional scars” from their inaccurate self-image. After coaching athletes, patients, salespeople, and many others who become interested in his findings, he came to write Psycho-Cybernetics.

Passing away in 1975 at the age of 76, Dr. Maltz’s teachings have more than survived over the years. Dr. Maltz is the founder of modern self-improvement. All teachings after 1960 about visualization, creative imagination, and relaxation, stem from Psycho-Cybernetics.

The New Psycho-Cybernetics is an updated version of the author’s original teachings, edited and updated by Dan Kennedy, a well-known copywriter and entrepreneurial genius. Kennedy has successfully kept Maltz’s style of writing in tact throughout the new version, which includes more examples and elaboration on Maltz’s original teachings.

Throughout the book, Maltz and Kennedy focus on the self-image because Maltz says it determines whether you achieve a goal. Along with the self-image is an in-depth discussion on what the original author calls the “automatic-success mechanism”, which each of us has within ourselves. We all have what it takes to achieve our goals, but we fail to achieve them by poorly using this mechanism. We are brought up to believe that we must experience pain, work hard, and use willpower, but this fights our creative mechanism to easily get what we want. One way we stimulate the automatic-success mechanism is by vividly visualizing our future – and by doing this we create a new self-image that helps us achieve our goals.

The New Psycho-Cybernetics contains 31 exercises you can use for various circumstances. Some remove anxiety when you phone a customer or start a conversation, while other exercises direct at long-term goals like gaining a promotion at work. The techniques mentioned in the book will help anyone lose weight, slow down the aging process, improve their athletic performance, become more confident, make more sales, and improve their relationships. Why? The self-image and creative imagination shapes our lives.

In terms of communication, The New Psycho-Cybernetics is a must-read for anyone that experiences anxiety, fear, or worry in situations like public speaking, meeting the opposite sex, talking with someone famous, and the list goes on. The book is definitely not limited to these areas – as it will change the way you think and feel about anything – but I felt these were its strong points. Maltz provides thorough explanations and mental exercises for relaxation and developing a success-type personality in a way that transcends many modern day teachings. His experience as a plastic surgeon seems to have given him insights about visualizations and self-perception that other authors fail to grasp.

As The New Psycho-Cybernetics is an updated version of Psycho-Cybernetics – the origin of modern day self improvement material – this book is a must-have in any person’s bookshelf. With millions of lives already changed, the book speaks for itself. It changed my life because I realized the severe degree my mental theater shapes who I am. I cannot emphasize enough the impact The New Psycho-Cybernetics will have on your life. It will change how you think and perceive yourself in an easy way that doesn’t use the hard work of willpower. If you are after an easy way to achieve what you want, grab your copy of the book now from Amazon by clicking here.

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