30 years before that on November 18th, 1978, 909 people drank Flavor-Aid mixed with cyanide and valium. The group knew death was imminent. They were members of a cult reportedly persuaded by their leader to drink the poison. Known as the Jonestown incident, this is one example of multiple ritual suicides committed by cult members.

What kind of power can convince people – from frightened teenagers to large groups of adults – to do something as extreme as ending their own lives? History is rife with examples of people behaving in stupid ways due to an idea put into their mind. From joining the Nazi party and being convinced to kill innocents, to joining a cult and giving up all worldly possessions, it seems the human mind is more easily “brainwashed” than we like to think.

The examples are not always extreme. If you have bought something you didn’t want that much, found yourself agreeing to something unpleasant, or changed your opinion after talking to somebody, you experienced how your mind can be influenced by others. 2300 years ago, Aristotle described the mind as an “unscribed tablet” – something easily shaped and written upon by others. We have always wondered how to brainwash people.

Aristotle described the mind as an ‘unscribed tablet’ – something easily shaped and written upon by others.

The fascination with techniques to put an idea into someone’s mind permeates our popular culture too. In the movie Inception, the main character played by Leonardo DiCaprio possesses a rare skill – he can enter the dreams of others then learn their secrets. His team is hired to appear in the dreams of Robert Fischer Jr. to plant a simple idea – the thought of breaking up then selling his father’s business empire. The assumption is a person’s mind can be altered from within, bringing him to believe the idea was his own.

If you’re like, you can’t enter people’s dreams. The core idea behind Inception rings true. The examples described show the destructive power of the brainwashing techniques you’re about to discover. Use these techniques to brainwash people, responsibly and ethically. Positive brainwashing can do anything from impress people at parties to make your relationships better.

Imagine what you could do if you were able to plant ideas inside people’s minds. You might be offered a job, a large sum of money, or a date. Those awkward disagreements could easily come to an end if you were able to change another’s mind, while they believe they thought of the solution themselves. How do you put an idea into someone’s mind? Read on.

Priming to Brainwash People: Secrets to Suck Money Out of Wallets

Primarily used by hypnotists and publicized by TV “psychological magician” Derren Brown, priming involves suggesting an idea at a level the other person is not consciously aware of. If you give someone a list of the words “chicken”, “dog”, and “pet”, then ask them to think of a word that rhymes with “hat” they’re likely to answer “cat”. Their mind is primed to think of animals.

Derren Brown often fools participants into believing he telepathically guesses which item or card they think of, when he has in primed them to think of a specific item. Let him play with you. Watch the video below to try this brainwash experiment to see if he can put his idea into your mind:

Watched it? Only then read on.

To bring the 3 of diamonds to mind, he makes a diamond shape with his hands while telling participants to “visualise the card in your mind” and hits three points in the air when asking them to “clearly see the numbers on the card”. When he pulls out the 3 of diamonds and asks, “Is this the card you were thinking of?” the majority of participants seem shocked.

Priming is used in advertising. Studies show that exposure to food advertisements increase the amount people eat that day. When you think about all the messages and images you receive every day, you start to realize how marketing companies prime us to spend. This can work in other ways: exposure to messages about old age cause people to walk more slowly, and people asked to recite the Ten Commandments before a task become much less likely to cheat. Getting somebody to think along certain lines can influence the decisions they make later.

Here’s a great party trick: prime your participant’s mind to think of yellow items. Do this by talking about or pointing out something yellow, wearing a yellow shirt, or perhaps humming the tune to “Yellow Submarine”. You can be creative. Ensure your tactics are not too obvious. A few minutes later, tell a third friend in the conversation you can guess what fruit your primed friend will say. Tell your primed friend to name the first fruit that comes to mind. Because of the yellow priming, the chances are he or she will think then say “banana”.

…exposure to messages about old age cause people to walk more slowly.

Prime somebody into being more agreeable by beginning a conversation with questions that generate a lot of “yes” responses. “The weather’s nice today, isn’t it?” and other yes-inducing questions make somebody more likely to say yes to your suggestion.

If you want to plant an idea involving money (for example, you want a pay raise), it is better to prime the person for empathy and kindness, as thinking about money automatically makes people less inclined to share their wealth. Instead, get them thinking about their social connections and their pride in their own generosity by asking them about their family or hobbies.

Word Ambiguity and Embedded Commands to Put an Idea into Someone’s Mind

The sentence “You might have decided by now” seems innocent enough until you realize it contains the command “buy now”. A method used by therapists and salespeople alike is embedding commands in seemingly innocuous sentences.

Imagine you are trying to win over a person you want to date. “You, like me, have an interest in cars,” contains the embedded command ‘like me’, while placing emphasis on certain words can also have the effect of highlighting your hidden message – e.g. “I’m not sure what you want to do, but I’m going to go out for a cigarette, if you’d like to come with me.”

These techniques, in essence, rely on clever wordplay. If you’ve ever fallen for a joke or misheard a song lyric, you’ll know how easily certain phrases can be misinterpreted. Using ambiguity in your speech can subtly convey a message without directly saying it. There are several types of ambiguous sentences, such as “I had to greet guests” / “I had two Greek guests”, (phonological) or “Woman, without her man, is nothing” / “Woman: without her, man is nothing.” (structural).

NLP practitioners and hypnotists often pronounce sentences in ambiguous ways to change their patients’ way of thinking. Think of any combination of words that sound similar, and how you could slip a hidden message into a seemingly innocent sentence. Something as innocent as “Let’s have a cup of proper tea” could bring the idea of property into a person’s head; perfect if you want somebody to consider moving house.

Watch Derren Brown plant the idea of a BMX bike into Simon Pegg’s head (with an overlay explanation of what he is doing):

How to Brainwash People by Being Incomplete

If you offer an idea to someone on a plate, the chances are they will reject it. People like to believe they are clever. We cling to ideas we believe are ours and reject ideas pushed on us from the outside. The trick is to convince the person your idea is actually theirs. This is a common technique in sales and advertising; images of attractive women wearing perfume do not tell you that buying the perfume will make you more attractive, but the pieces are there for your brain to put together.

To plant an idea in someone’s mind and have them believe it was their own, lay clues without being too obvious. It’s like Dale Carnegie’s advice to praise features in someone you want to bring forth.

If you are impatient, you will give yourself away; this is something that needs to be done over time. If you are trying to choose holiday destinations and your partner is set on Europe while you dream of Hawaii, you could occasionally mention a crime that has happened in Europe or comment on how expensive you’ve heard it is there. To promote your own idea, there are a lot of things you can do without mentioning Hawaii.

One way is to play dumb. Suggest it would be great if you could go somewhere with great beaches and cocktails, but without the stress of having to exchange your dollars. If you do this effectively and not too obviously, your partner might come to the conclusion themselves.

Once they think themselves smart for working it out, it will become “their” idea. They will be more attached to the idea. For extra effect, leave a picture of a tropical beach lying around. They might not consciously notice it, but the picture will take root in their mind and start to grow.

It is possible to pretend a person previously mentioned something – frame your idea with something like “As you were saying before…” or “I’m sure it was you who told me …” Even if they have no memory of saying this, a positive or wise statement you attribute to them can be too tempting to pass up. Many people assume they must have said it at some point, and begin to claim ownership and feel pride over the idea.

This method can also be used to give advice. If you have a friend who never takes your advice, you may be telling him or her what to do. Rather than giving instructions, ask leading questions to lay out the pieces. It might be obvious to you they need to ask for a pay raise at work. You could ask, “Have you thought about what you might do to earn more money?”

The pay raise solution will come to them in something of a eureka moment, at which point you smile and congratulate them on their idea. Therapists often use this technique to give their clients a feeling of power and control over their lives. Nobody likes to feel they need other people to tell them what to do making the technique effective.

How to Use Reverse Psychology on Men and Women

If you see yourself as a rebel, you probably hate being told what to do. What if instead of “Tidy your room!” your mother had said “I bet you couldn’t make your room tidy even if you tried”? People think of reverse psychology in very simple terms – telling somebody to do the opposite of what you want them to do. These days, most people are wise to that idea and “Don’t buy me a birthday present, then!” is more passive-aggressive than planting an idea into their mind.

Advertisers often use reverse psychology; if you’ve ever desired a product because it was expensive or limited, then you might have fallen prey to the technique. People want what is hard to get, and don’t care so much about what is easy to obtain.

Try this with dating. Once you have attraction, tell a woman, “I’m going to stop this right now; it would never work out between us” or suddenly act as if you are disinterested. For women who are used to getting what they want, this can make you far more interesting and convince them they want to be with you.

People think of reverse psychology… [as] more passive-aggressive than planting an idea into their mind.

Reverse psychology works especially well on rebellious or argumentative people. A simple statement like “You probably wouldn’t like the roller coaster; it’s too scary” can get your friend lining up with their ride ticket. Your bold statement gets them thinking, “What do they know about me?” and convinces your friend that trying the thing you suggest to avoid was their idea.

Be careful using this technique unwittingly. Telling your mate not to date a girl may get him to believe you and remain single.

Although the idea of manipulating another person’s mind is ethically questionable, remember we are manipulated on a daily basis by advertisers and politicians, whether in the form of subtle priming (“That politician said something that made me feel good; his other statements must be good, too!”) to obvious reverse psychology (“It’s expensive, so it must be good!”).

Brainwashing can be used for evil. Like any power, it can also be used to improve your life without hurting anyone. It can be used to make the world a better place – imagine being able to persuade more people to be kind to each other, to look after the environment, or to eat more healthily! The techniques outlined here, when used properly (and ethically), opens up doors you might never have dreamed possible. Of course, you don’t have to use them if you don’t want to.

Whether you’re the girl at the bar yelling to her friends “Oh my I have to pee SO BAD!” or the guy whose voice cracks over his first words, it’s hard to erase a first impression from someone’s brain. As said in Big Talk, where there’s a whole chapter on ways to make a good first impression, “A first impression isn’t a last impression; it’s an influential impression.”

A good impression at first sight is what I call “the lazy man’s way to make people like you”. Princeton University research shows our snap judgments remain consistent over time. If someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. The study found one thing changes as the conversation continues: a person’s confidence in the accuracy of their first impression.

Call it bias or unfairness. I call it human psychology. Work with it if you want to be seen as awesome. Learn how to impress people at first sight. Here are 40 ways to make a great first impression.

1. Know the importance of body language. Before you open your mouth, people judge a lot about you by the way you walk, hold yourself, and move. These types of nonverbal communication are detected before you mutter a word. It’s a myth nonverbal communication gives 93% of all communication, but body language must be statistically high as part of a first impression.

Knowing the value of body language and unspoken social dynamics in a good first impression encourages you to focus on it. You’ll be more concerned with smiling, speaking louder and clearer, and appearing calm, which will impress others more than a great conversation starter.

2. Open your body language. Open body language invites and impresses while closed body language shows ignorance and insolence. Here’s a snippet of a table from the Big Talk course explaining the difference between the two types of body language:

Imagine two people. You’re one of them. The weirdo has all the traits of closed body language while you or me – each an amazingly cool person – has all the traits of open body language. You get the vibe the other person is a creep while we’re charming.

3. Social proof yourself. Social proof is a principle of social psychology that says we look to others during obscure social situations to determine how we should behave. There are hundreds of unknown people in public social events so we observe how people treat each other to measure how we should treat someone.

If you see everyone looking towards a guy, you’ll look towards him to calculate what’s going on. If a guy seated alone for an hour approaches you for conversation, you’ll dislike him before he opens his mouth. You’ll look for information to validate why he is alone and unpopular.

If every time someone spots you laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible.

Everyone knows you can manipulate your words and tell a verbal lie, but we believe what we see. Social proof is a great way to make a good first impression. Make friends before you enter a venue. Be seen chatting with the bouncer or waiter or a group of friends you just met. If someone spots you every time laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible with cool body language or witty first words.

4. Put yourself at ease. Did you know if you’re tense talking with someone, the mirror neurons in another person’s brain forces them to become tense? Their body literally duplicates your tension. The strain or message that relates to it, like you’re an uptight angry jerk, is then stored in the person’s hippocampus, the memory center of the brain. Not a good way to make friends.

If you’re like most ToP readers, your body is tense right now. Heck, even I just realized I’m tense writing about tension! To see your tension and remove it, relax your forehead. Loosen your jaw. Let your face droop downwards as the tension dissipates. You can tighten a muscle for three seconds then release it to enter relaxation. Do this throughout your body whenever you think of it. Tension is unconscious, but relaxation conscious.

5. Get into shape. Light travels faster than sound, so your physical appearance is noticed before your voice or introductory comment is heard. Looks aren’t everything, but they’re important and quickly noticed.

Get your physical game together whatever that maybe. Exercise to stay in shape. Drop that greasy packet of chips in the bin. Everyone notices a guy with biceps bulging out of his sleeves or a woman with a curvacious figure. We’re impressed by people with good physiques.

6. Dress stylish within the decade. I understand if your bright green neon stilettos appear “timeless” to you. However, nobody else does. When in doubt, wear black or gray. These colors are timeless and even if a dress or tie was purchased 10 years ago, it’ll come across as stylish because it’s not a shocking, bright, or ridiculous color.

Dress nice and stylish, but comfortable. You want to look your best, yet many times we tend to think dressing sharp, stylish, and sexy is more important than being comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and constantly tugging or pulling at your shirt or dress, you’ll feel distracted and probably self-conscious. Don’t compromise comfort for style. Feel good in what you wear.

This is no fashion school, yet I must say one last thing on this topic. Not only is it important to dress for comfort, it’s important to dress for your body type as well. Ladies, don’t squeeze into a revealing, slinky dress because you hear it’s the latest style, even though your chest is popping out and you can see your underwear lines through it. Men, don’t wear a fitted Slipknot t-shirt if your gut sticks out beneath it. You need tip number five if that’s the case!

The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

7. Think positive before going in. Imagine the positive mark you’ll make on people instead of visualizing how that attractive lady will laugh at you when you approach her asking, “Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?” (I wouldn’t blame you if you’re thinking negatively using that pick-up line). See the interaction going incredibly awesome. Believe the person you’re about to talk to is friendly. You’ll go in looking a happier, more impressionable person.

If you’re a pessimist so you never get disappointed, read my review of Mind-Lines, a great book on reframing to think in healthy ways. The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

8. Get into a positive state. Make people’s mirror neurons work for your benefit. Put yourself into a positive state so a person’s brain makes them emotionally high in your presence.

I believe it’s unhealthy to always seek happiness and “positive emotions” because you block yourself from authenticity and a full experience of life, but there are lessons in Big Talk you can follow to boost your mood and impress people:

1. Firstly, know that energy is a choice. You can make yourself feel good at will.
2. You may get in a good mood by psyching yourself up or down. Figure out what works for you.
3. Talk with anyone or anything. If you feel great and can have a smooth conversation with your cat, I like your odds at impressing people in a conversation.
4. Take a practice dive socializing. Dive in and allow yourself to belly flop. E-motion is energy in emotion. Action is necessary to feel alive.

9. Be present. The distinguishing factor between anxious, lonely persons and those with charisma is their energetic focus. Loners are drawn into themselves. They think about past mistakes or anticipate how others may respond. I use to think of me freezing in past conversations or about what others would think if I said something. Yeah, it’s messy.

People know when you’re not fully in the moment and are repulsed by it. Children hate when a parent pretends to listen when all they do is hear.

Just before you approach someone or at anytime during a conversation, focus on the now. The best way I’ve found to do this is by taking deep and slow belly-breathes for 30 seconds. You can also observe a person’s body language. These techniques will make you more present and people will be impressed.

10. Impress the right person. Would you leave your hand print on a rock or in clay? Some people are easier to impress than others while some are worth impressing more than others.

If you have a hard-time impressing people, pick low-hanging fruit. Talk to the person alone or listen to the person looking sad. The social proof and emotional momentum will help you impress those higher up the tree. It’s a sneaky way to make a good first impression.

11. Approach people from a 45-degree angle. It’s alarming to have someone approach you head on. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything aggressively nearing us. Having said that, don’t sneak up on someone like they’re your best friend. It’s not cute. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything that tried to surprise us from behind (okay, maybe your ancestors didn’t give you my schizophrenic genes, but you get the point.)

What’s the right way to walk up to people? Approach from a 45-degree angle. You can keep your geometry set in your school bag. Just use the principle as a reminder that we’re comfortable being approached by strangers at a visible indirect angle.

12. Make eye contact. The eyes give your interactions emotional meaning. If you look at any object or person as if you had ADHD, you’ll appear anxious or disinterested. Certainly you’ve heard this a million times, but giving someone a good look in the eyes right as you meet them shows you’re interested in them. Your pupils dilate and they instinctively catch on, causing automatic attraction.

13. Cast an illuminating smile. A cold turkey smile switches on in an instant. An illuminating smile turns on gradually. Make eye contact with someone then go from a blank face to a full warm smile in two seconds. Read my article “How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word” for more help with this technique and a couple of extra tricks to impress people through your body language.

14. Don’t stare and smile like a hungry wolf. Or a hungry vampire. Eye contact is one thing, looking like someone staring at their bait is another.

Temporarily break eye contact by shifting your eyes downwards for two seconds. It’s a sign of friendliness and safety probably experienced by cave men who killed beasts that glared in their eyes (again, that’s probably my schizophrenic genes). Sharing your eye contact with the floor makes you safe and likable in the eyes of those you chat with giving them a good impression of you.

15. Remember your acquaintances name and use it. A “nice to meet you, Sarah” or “Me too Bob, I totally get that” shows you’re interested in speaking to them and are having more than just an empty conversation. If you have the memory of a goldfish, check out a post of mine for social skills resources to help remember names.

16. Shake hands well. There’s more to a handshake than a firm one. Lean forward at the hips to show interest. Ensure your hand and theirs go web-to-web. Yes, grip firmly. A strong, firm handshake shows confidence in anyone. Same for you, ladies. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to stick out your fingers like a delicate tulip. My last tip for a good handshake is to give two up-and-down shakes. Do these and you may just impress people with your hand skills.

17. Speak with a resonant voice. I’ve mentioned body language for a good impression, but the voice is another part of nonverbal communication that can impress people. A squelching voice will leave your listeners with plugs in their ears while a soothing, clear voice will have people hang on to your every word.

There’s diverse problems in vocalics from talking too loud, fast, soft, raspy, high, indecisively, breathy, and the list goes on. To cure all these problems and improve your voice, I recommend you learn from Carol Fleming, creator of The Sound of Your Voice audio program, and her new book It’s the Way You Say It. Her book is the best resource I’ve come across to improve your voice and nonverbal communication.

18. Make the conversation about others. We think we need to impress others by drawing attention to ourselves. The opposite is true. I once saw a man wearing a shirt that said, “Oh yea, that reminds me of something that allows me to talk about myself.” For many people, this couldn’t be more true. The last person you want to be is the one who starts telling a story about themselves as soon as they hear someone mention a related topic. You make friends easily when the conversation is on their passions, their problems, their perceptions.

19. Show interest in what they have to say. If someone talks about the awesome day they had or the recent achievement they accomplished at work, it’s worth the recognition and respect that comes along with you intently listening. Did he land a new job? Shut up about your 10 million dollar deal and be happy for him. Lean forward, ask questions, have your mouth slightly open, and be in awe.

20. Talk about yourself. Yeah, that will impress people when done right. You see, fans of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People are so adamant on making the conversation about others and being interested in people. This makes a good impression on people – without it, you’re sure to be the person everyone wishes would be gagged for silence. However, if you really want to impress a guy or girl and make them into a friend, you need to talk about yourself.

We feel close to those we understand. Without that understanding of someone’s identity, we have our shields up. If someone talks about their hot air balloon experience, ask them questions, listen to them gas, then share how you’ve never done it before and would love to do it. They may just invite you to fly away some day after you impress them.

21. Show how great you are rather than telling. If you’re awesome and you want someone to know it, don’t tell them. Your actions, mannerisms, and attention must show you’re a killer person. A guy who talks about his Lamborghini before you go on a drive is an idiot, while a guy who takes you into his Lamborghini without a mention of it is impressive. You amaze people when they discover cool things about you on their own.

22. Throw them a genuine compliment. Showering someone with compliments is sucking up. If you absolutely love someone’s hairstyle or outfit, make a point to tell them. You impress by complimenting a person on something they put effort into and hoped someone would notice.

You amaze people when they discover cool things about you on their own.

23. Accept compliments with grace. A whine fits in here as well. People find it difficult to accept a compliment. A good response to “I like your outfit” is a simple “Thank you” rather than “Ugh, the color makes me look pale.” It’s okay to be praised and admired. Now is not the time to feel guilt.

24. Make them feel great. I’ve given a couple tips on what to say to impress people because a great impression is about the feelings you create in other people. “They may forget what you said,” said Frederick Buechner, author of over 20 books on deep humanity, “but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

You get in a positive mood, dress stylishly, smile, shake hands well, make eye contact, and compliment – not for your own ego – but for the positive feelings you create in other people. I want you to go from asking, “Am I impressing the person?” to “How am I making the person feel?” Do what you can to make people feel great to leave a long-lasting emotional imprint.

25. Cut negativity. You leave a bad emotional imprint with drama, depression, gossip, complaints, and criticism. If you complain about your uncomfortable outfit, your bad hair day, or “how faaaaat you look,” you come across as a negative person. If you go on and on about a health problem, you create in them a mental problem of a bad impression.

26. Respect social rules. There is no need to stand out or risk breaking social rules. If you say something really off the wall or perverted, it will be remembered. The first time you meet someone, don’t mention your bladder leak on an airplane. There’s no excuse for that.

If you’re completely douched in cologne or perfume, it will be remembered. Subtle scents are fine and often attractive to others. But if you’re the guy that smells like an Old Spice commercial halfway across the bar, women will not woo you for attention.

27. Be cautious about your alcohol consumption. If there is booze around, you probably want a drink or two to loosen up and get in the mood. Drinking to the point of being belligerently drunk and annihilated will screw your chances of being impressionable in a positive way.

28. Follow the rules of etiquette. Each of your behaviors say something about you. If you have a potty mouth that unleashes foul language, you are seen as raw, rough, and rude. On the other hand, if you follow the rules of etiquette, you impress people with your punctuality and politeness.

Some basic rules of etiquette follow. Abstain from swearing. Open doors for others and keep them open. Arrive and leave events at the right time. Write thank you notes. If you eat or chew gum, don’t chew like a cow. Feed your stomach with a closed mouth. I have a follow up article teaching you 89 social etiquette tips.

29. Get touchy. Socially acceptable touching is the most underused form of nonverbal communication. Appropriate touching connects people faster than words. Tap your target on the elbow during your approach to get their attention then shake hands. Touch people to emphasize a point in a story. Everyone loves a celebratory high-five.

30. Get in sync. This means you nonverbally match someone you’re talking with. Alter your voice, posture, stance, gestures, and movements to mirror theirs. If they stand and move around the room, stand then walk with them. Once you’re in sync, they’ll feel you’re a typical friend just like them. It’s an effective way to make a good first impression.

31. Pull everyone into the conversation. You can impress more than one person by baiting uninvolved group members into the conversation. A loudmouth guy may hog the spotlight, leaving others in the dark. You should talk to the whole group. Shift the attention onto the dormant conversationalists by asking questions like, “What’s your experience with that?” “What’s your opinion on this?” and “What do you think?” If you’re asked a question like “How do you spend your time during the day?”, turn the same question onto them. People will be impressed with your social intelligence.

32. You can be wrong. It’s okay to not have someone admit you’re right even when you know the truth. Righteously blind people irritate. If you cannot prove to a nut head the Earth is not the center of the universe, others in the group will admire your need to not be all knowing and wonder how your verbal combatant’s genes survived this long.

33. Be unique. If you feel there’s nothing special about you, create something. Rarity is memorable and valued everywhere. We remember Elvis created a unique style of music. FedEx became known for the “overnight delivery” then hurt itself by competing with DHL for “worldwide”. When all mouth wash companies tried to make their product pleasurable in the mouth, Listerine came in and went the opposite way.

Rarity is memorable and valued everywhere.

Find something unique about you that can receive more attention. That one thing will stick in people’s mind. You will become the “pink hair girl”, “the funny coffee man”, or “the tall guy”.

34. Show your sense of humor. If you’re witty, sarcastic, or dark with humor, it’s your personality and you want to show it. However, if you find yourself wanting to joke like, “A blonde walks into a bar. Ouch!” reconsider sharing it. Whatever you do, don’t try to start off with a funny opening line such as “So Helen Keller walks into a bar…” Talk to someone for a few minutes before determining whether or not your humor will be appreciated. Conversational humor develops throughout the interaction anyway.

35. Let little troubles float by you. This is a lesson from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. People with little power pick on little things. A couple walks down the street when one of them stumbles and the other replies, “Oh, watch your step.” A group of mates have a beer when one tips over his drink to which a mate jokes, “That was smart.” A boyfriend tries to empathize with his girlfriend when she sneezes by saying, “Oh, that was a nasty one.” Pointing out the obvious does not impress people. It makes you insensitive.

Famed painter and sculptor Pablo Picasso said, “The hidden harmony is better than the obvious.” Powerful people with prestige impress others by ignoring unimportant noise. They don’t point out the obvious because it’s emotionally unintelligent. They continue whatever they were doing. If they talk about a family problem at a restaurant when a waiter gives them a wrong order, they solve the hiccup and move on, instead of getting snared in drama. Poise and composure give people safety and certainty, both attractive qualities to create.

36. Give people a second-chance. Based on the Princeton University research mentioned earlier, you know our first impressions of someone tend to remain throughout the conversation with them. What changes is our increased confidence that our quick judgments were spot on. People will give you a bad first impression. You may think a new co-worker is a cow, a guy at a party should jump off the balcony, or a girl is a drama queen. Give people another chance to impress you to become more friendly, impressing people.

If you had a mind-blank at the start of a conversation with a stranger, you’d feel they’re pretty amazing if they came up to you later and said, “Never mind about our ‘conversation’ before. I get mind-blanks all the time. What’s your name?” What a caring and impressive person!

37. Stop over-thinking. “My hair looks bad.” “I forgot to iron this shirt.” “What if everyone hates me?” “What if I have a zit?” Stop it. Insecurities are the greatest turn off according to author Robert Greene in The Art of Seduction.

You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do.

You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do. Nobody’s going home saying, “Ugh, did you see his hair? It was combed slightly too far to the left.”

38. Remain calm. Don’t freak out if things go unplanned. Since you’re now thinking positive thoughts, keep your pants clean should things go haywire. If you trip, if you choke on your food, if you just don’t get along with someone you thought you’d click with, no worries. People’s actions do not matter; your reactions do.

39. Make a good last impression. We learned from the Princeton University study that people look for information to validate their first impression of someone. Leaving a conversation on a positive note gives people further proof their initial judgment is right – that you’re a great person.

Masters like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods know how to finish strong. Become a conversation master by skipping the Houdini stunt of vanishing from the conversation. Use the “high returns” technique from Big Talk:

Appreciate something specific about the person by reflecting one thing the person talked about. Examples include: “I need to go now, but it has been great to receive your expertise on…” “Thank you for the great time together.” “I’m off to hunt down a friend, but it has been a pleasure to hear about your overseas journeys.” The person will leave the conversation on a high and love you for it.

40. Snare the chance to repair. What do you do if someone kindly approaches you and you give them the cold shoulder because you just lost your job? You can kick yourself for screwing up an impression or you can work with what’s happened by repairing your dirty ditch. Get the person aside then correctly apologize by admitting your mistake. Show your guilt, let the person respond, then move on. Use the other tips to make a better impression: put yourself at ease, let the trouble float by you, and make the conversation about them.

If all 40 ways to make a good first impression overwhelm you, they have a counterproductive effect. Take a few deep breathes. Let the tips fall back into your mind. You will unconsciously act out what you learned. When the day is over, you will be impressed by the people you impressed.

For more tips and techniques to socialize and make friends, get Big Talk by clicking here.

Michael Lee is the guest author of this post and a persuasion expert fitting no stereotypes. He is Asian, small, and prefers casual dress. He use to give out money at school knowing he would not get it back, be afraid of people, be single, and get turned down from jobs because he was a wuss in interviews. You can learn a lot from him on how to become a stronger, persuasive person.

Some people go about life, blissfully unaware of the subtle influences other people put on them. The art of persuasion is used everywhere. While some people use persuasion techniques to sell you a product, others try to get a date or try to get you to join their religion.

Having an awareness of the many persuasion techniques around you can prove to be one of your biggest assets. It can help you deal with strangers, your personal life, and your work life. Learning the art of persuasion can be the difference between meeting your life goals and falling short.

Common persuasion techniques include creating needs in others, which can be basic or social needs. Another technique includes the use of certain powerfully persuasive words. Both will be discussed in this article.

Social Needs

Perhaps one of the most important persuasion techniques is to create a social need. An example of a social need is the need to be popular and have everyone like you. Many would say this is unimportant in life; however, it drives many people to do certain behaviors. You probably wouldn’t be reading this article otherwise.

In the area of television, a commercial might use the example of a need to be popular by convincing you to purchase a product to fit in with peers. Let’s imagine a teenager suffers from acne (I know it’s tough, but try to imagine it). A commercial comes on and shows a picture of someone all alone with acne. They then skip to the same person with a clear face surrounded by friends. The television-bound teenager may then wish to purchase the product to rid his or her acne and acquire more friends.

What Do You Really Say?

The art of using persuasive power words can create social needs. It is also a top persuasion technique to get people doing what you want. Persuasive words are used by pretty much anyone who try elicit a certain behavior from another. You will find examples of this technique on television, labels, and print advertisements.

Advertisers use words such as new, natural, and free. These three words are known to get the consumer’s attention – and that is exactly what the advertisers want! Advertising legend David Ogilvy found additional words to be super effective at getting people to do what a company wants:

1. Discover
2. Proven
3. Magic
4. Announcing
5. Easy
6. Revolutionary
7. Amazing
8. Now

An awareness of the many persuasion techniques around you can prove to be one of your biggest assets.

These words appeal to you as you read them. Simply use these words in everyday language to be more persuasive.

While these words can be effective to persuade someone because they have strong meanings people understand, other words are more complex. You may not be aware of it, but the words you utter daily can have different interpretations, even if you think their meaning is monotonous.

Would you rather someone say you are “slim”, or would you like to hear that you are “thin”? Being slim has a slight positive connotation to it because it is attributed to health and fitness.

Rather than saying you have failed, mention you have not yet achieved success. Get the picture? Select words that have the most positive manner you can think of.

Your repairman doesn’t just repair, he saves lives from electrical threats. Make him aware of that. Your chef doesn’t just cook, she eliminates hunger and satisfies taste buds. Don’t tell teachers they are teaching young kids because it’s their job. That’s a lifeless statement. Instead, tell them they are training and mentoring the future leaders of the world. Wouldn’t that fulfill their social needs of importance more effectively? Absolutely!

Are you becoming aware of the power of these subliminal persuasion techniques? You can say “nicer” terms in lieu of the original “boring” or “negative” words. This increases your likability and can positively affect people’s emotions. Take these as further examples:

1. Say, “sanitation engineer” instead of “garbage collector” and you’ll get better service from him.
2. Say, “We have a challenging situation at hand” instead of “We have a big problem” to reduce anxiety.
3. Say, “You’re getting slim” instead of “You’re becoming thin” to boost the person’s self-esteem who will then see you as a nice person.
4. Say, “You’re often late for work and you seldom finish the task on time. Is something bothering you?” instead of “You’re always late for work and you never finish your task on time!” The words “always” and “never” are often harsh and exaggerated; “often” and “seldom” are more subtle and do not convey the person does the irresponsible act all the time.
5. Say, “You could have given him a chance” instead of “You should have given him a chance.” “Could have” implies that he had a choice, which could then serve as a moral to make better decisions in the future. On the other hand, “should have” attacks the ego and sounds like a forced thing to do. (Josh: Words like “should” and “ought” form what I call a moralizing communication barrier in my communication secrets program.)

How to Use Words to Instill the Qualities You Want in People

Never compare the negative qualities of one person with another.

A former boss of mine said this to me when I made an error in my previous day job: “James is doing a much better job than you are. He’s not committing any mistakes like you do.”

That crushed my heart. My boss thought this would motivate me to do better. Nope, it just hurt my feelings and lowered my self-esteem. It was a harsh scolding.

Experiences arising from discouragement and condemnation negatively effect the recipient whether the words are intended to do so or not.

Some parents might believe that instilling fear in children improves their performance. They tell a child, “You’re always failing. Why can’t you be like your brother? You’re such a disgrace to this family.”

Those statements are a disgrace. Parents must inspire, encourage, and motivate their children; not belittle them. They should tell their children that they have the capacity to achieve great things if they put a little more effort. Teach them values to make them feel important and loved.

Give them confidence and belief they have certain characteristics, and they will eventually acquire such traits.

You can even give them qualities they do not yet possess. Give them confidence and belief they have certain characteristics, and they will eventually acquire such traits. Change your words and you’ll be surprised at how you change people. Tell them how bright you think they are, and you will soon be surprised at the results. They will significantly improve if you firmly make them believe they have the capacity for improvement.

(Josh: Research recently proved this point. Some teachers were told their new class performed well last year. This made the teachers expect the students to perform well. The teachers with such expectations had “good” and “bad” students achieve higher marks than classes where the teachers had no optimistic expectations.)

If you ever want to persuade or encourage someone to do better, make sure he or she is motivated out of inspiration, not fear. Give advice that cares; not offensive words borne from hatred or anger.

Think first before you speak. Many relationships have been ruined by the wrong choice of words. Some people voice anything that comes to their mind without first filtering the good words from the bad ones. This might result in misunderstandings and arguments, which could easily be prevented if we speak in a neutral and non-offensive way.

Words are powerful indeed. The right words are a strong subliminal persuasion technique, so be careful in your choice of them. “Think twice before you speak,” said Napoleon Hill author of Think and Grow Rich, “because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”

To discover more persuasive techniques used by the experts so you can make people do what you want, get my complete online training for less than the cost of a night out by clicking here.

I purchased Miller’s ebook. Upon opening it, I was surprised to see it was only 95 pages. I got a little angry, expecting more, because so many ebooks on persuasion, conversations, and communication- related subjects are small and contain little value. After finishing the ebook, however, I had received more techniques than some 300-page books I’ve read. Do not judge Miller’s book by its size like I did because you will get many mind control techniques to improve your conversations.

The Elite Social Control system shifts self-focused individuals to their conversational partner to improve the connection. This means the system will specifically help you if you suffer from self-consciousness, nervousness, or generally want people to like you more in conversations for better negotiations, dating, and general social situations.

It is not all mystical mumbo-jumbo. There are mind control techniques you can use that make better use of verbal and nonverbal messages. Your nonverbal communication influences people in the most unusual ways, which Elite Social Control will show you to dominate.

I particularly liked the eight secrets of magnetic statements. Miller teaches you how to make your words hook people into having a great conversation with you. His 13 pieces of advice to avoid repelling statements is just as good. You will learn good conversation etiquette many people ignore, which I have not read elsewhere. Also, the advice he offers to relax your body language, change your voice, and improve your general image will help you become confident, comfortable, and likable.

…a controversial ebook that teaches ethical mind control techniques for better conversations.

While there are many conversation techniques I liked and never knew about, there was the occasional technique I hated because it leads into psychic material. Some people will like this, though I don’t. Regardless of your attitude towards such material, most of the book focuses on proven mind techniques and communication tricks. Many other techniques in the ebook are valuable tools to win people to your way of thinking, have positive conversations, and build solid rapport.

Hamilton also provides 10 magnetic moves and a few nonverbal tricks. As is true for most of the book, you’re given quick-fire techniques that attract people in conversations. “The Non-Analytical Look”, “Elite Gaze”, and “Four Steps to Chain Rapport” are solid tricks to help you in any conversation.

Though it is short, it is concise and powerful. Its size is even beneficial because you can read it within 2-3 hours and quickly refer to it when you need to. If you are interested Hamilton Miller’s Elite Social Control to improve your conversations – for whatever reason – you can download your copy right now and be reading it within minutes by clicking here.

What is the link between the following scenarios:

1. Your partner leaves the room in anger after another argument
2. A friend lashes out at you despite you having done nothing wrong
3. A child’s constant disobedience makes you frustrated and causes you to yell things you later regret

Thousands of situations like the ones above all have a common thread that play out in your life every year. There is a better way to handle the situation, but you cannot figure it out. Your emotions get the better of you and others as you poorly handle the situation. The answers and the secret human need I will show you how to fulfill is through a method of communication called “nonviolent communication”, also known as NVC.

The Answer to World Peace and Our Greatest Need?

The process I am about to discuss in this article is one created by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. The organization is a nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Rosenberg and a couple hundred other NVC trainers, conduct workshops throughout the world where they teach their nonviolent communication model. The NVC process has changed millions of people who learned the techniques directly from trainers or Rosenberg’s book, and people who have been fortunate enough to have those trained in the NVC process use the model on them.

If you are after a process that changes a person’s behavior, NVC is not the best one to use. NVC builds a deep intimate relationship and connection with effective communication by satisfying people’s needs. It achieves a level of connection most people never experience. It can be used to change a person’s behavior, but the primary purpose of the process is to help people face what matters with compassion to connect at a very intimate level.

Once you have gone through the process, then you can use your negotiation skills to persuade the person. If you try to persuade the person upfront before you use NVC, you will often find you are resisted and ignored.

When a person disagrees with you, refuses to comply with a request, or is angry at you, a poor communicator tries to firstly express oneself. The person seeks to be understood before seeking to understand. An NVC user seeks to understand the person, which in turn leads to their own need of being understood. Once you understand others, they often want to understand you.

Once you understand others, they often want to understand you.

The commonality of the situations mentioned earlier, and thousands of situations you experience throughout the year, is people’s desperation to be understood. Your angry partner wants to be understood. Your friend wants to be understood and will have almost zero frustration once you understand. Children want to be understood, which naturally compels them to talk with you about intimate issues. Nonviolent communication helps you understand people and have them understand you.

The need to be understood is possibly the greatest unmet human need. Fulfill this need and you will trigger new experiences, intimate sharing, and connect with people at the heart. Thanks to Dan Kennedy, a great marketer I intently learn from, I came across a quote by Cavett Robert, founder of the National Speakers Association, who said, “Most people are walking around, umbilical cord in hand, looking for a new place to plug it in.” If you can be that “socket” by understanding the person and empathically receiving their needs, you automatically share an electrifying connection with the person. Something about the person will change before your eyes. They will know something deep is going on without knowing what you are doing.

Unfortunately, the majority of people never arrive at this stage of electrifying intimacy. Answer this question truthfully: How many people truly understand you on a frequent basis? Think about the question for some time because it is important to understand understanding.

I ask this not to make you blame others for their failure to understand you, but to show you the scarcity of people who seek to understand. If you are like most people, you will not have one person that frequently and truly understands you in conversations. Few people care about understanding others, which causes themselves to be misunderstood. People who complain that “no one understands me” are constantly misunderstood because they live on a one-way street seeking to receive before they consider giving.

Violence is widespread because one group wants to be understood while another they are in conflict with also wants to be understood. The failure to see the others’ needs means neither gets what they want. The result is emotional and physical destruction. So much pain in the world is caused by misunderstandings.

The need to be understood is possibly the greatest unmet human need.

The anger and frustration present in everyday situations appears to be irrelevant to deeper issues, yet it is our inability to effectively face conflict that contributes to a global scale of war and hatred. Our everyday wallowing in resentment, frustration, and misunderstandings has as much – but probably greater – impact on peace and love than kind actions. If you cannot resolve your minor nuances in relationships that are suppose to be intimate and love-filled, you cannot expect nations who have hated each other for centuries to resolve major conflicts. To understand another person is a secret of world peace. “Peace cannot be achieved through violence,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “it can only be attained through understanding.”

The nonviolent communication process is simple once you know the process; though it’s not always a fun slide to ride on because emotional pollution clogs your use of it. With practice, you will become better at NVC and be more successful in your communication and relationships. Over time, provided you continually practice the techniques and polish your skills, you will become excellent at the process.

An Overview of Nonviolent Communication: The Four Steps to Compassionate Communication

The process has four steps: observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. There are really eight steps, however, because you firstly apply the four steps to the other person, then you apply them to yourself. Remember what I said before about seeking to understand before being understood? The first four stages make you understand people so you can be understood when you apply the four steps on yourself. This is the most critical part of the concept to grasp.

Unless the person is a compassionate communicator, go through the four steps first on the other person otherwise he or she will not listen to you. Use the visualization of a vacuum empathically “sucking up” the person’s communication. Until the person feels “cleaned”, you will be unable to clean yourself. Once you have sucked up the person, and hence understood them, you are then ready to use NVC on yourself.

Most people identify a few problems in firstly focusing on the other person. If you have not identified one of these now, you will as you continue to read about the process. The biggest concern I had with NVC is that you forgo your own needs, concerns, and emotions like anger. NVC prevents destructive expressions of anger and frustration via harmful attitudes and behaviors like the sarcastic teenager or the employee who does poor quality work. The process encourages you to express intense emotions – especially anger – in a healthy way that fulfills the underlying need.

At first glance, I understand the model may overwhelm you, but keep at it and reread the pages in this article to refine your ability to understand people and be understood. The NVC process as described in this full article will give you a good idea of what to expect in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program should you want to invest in it. It could be one of the greatest investments you make. Once you know how to understand people and help them understand you, you can mold your relationships however you want. It is time to kick into the first stage: observing.

1. Observing

The first step of the process has you observe something specific about the person that impedes their wellbeing. One example is, “When you see your children hitting one another…” You separate the person from the behavior and refer to a specific circumstance. People make predictable mistakes at this step.

The greatest mistake at this stage is giving an evaluation instead of an observation – because of this, I will thoroughly teach you how to avoid evaluations and observe in this section of the article. An evaluation is a judgment of personal opinion that lacks detachment and objective evidence. Judgments prevent observations and the recipient from feeling understood.

Think of a birdwatcher who carefully and calmly admires nearby birds. The birdwatcher does not disturb the birds. He watches to see the behaviors of the birds as he listens to the sounds they make. He may even respond to a bird’s sound in the same manner by whistling.

If people were birdwatchers and they tried to observe a bird (the other person), they would fire gunshots, scream, and throw rocks at the bird. These dangerous actions for the bird is the emotional equivalent to judgments and evaluations for people in the listening process. When we feel judged and evaluated, it drives us insane! We fly away, avoid the person, and do not talk about what really matters as the judgmental person incorrectly blames and wonders what is wrong with us!

When you supposedly “listen” to your partner, a customer, or coworker, your “effective communication” and “excellent listening skills” has you fire a gun with evaluations and judgments. My experience in communication has me estimate 99% of people fail at this stage of NVC because of evaluations and judgments. I am no exception because, even now, I occasionally fail at this stage. Do not get discouraged. The migration from evaluation to observation fights communication habits you have adopted your entire life.

Evaluations can take many forms. It means you do not receive someone’s communication in its real form. You observe the bird, but do things to destroy its natural, beautiful presence. You mostly “shoot a gun,” “scream,” and “throw rocks” with judgments, criticisms, blame, or generalities. Other mistakes include labeling, questioning, deflecting, and other communication barriers I will soon describe.

An evaluation is a judgment of personal opinion that lacks detachment and objective evidence.

Valued customers of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program know the common ways we intoxicate our ability to listen to others. I believe your ability to actively listen and be in the present moment without polluting the person’s message with your thoughts and feelings is one of the greatest communication skills you can obtain.

I will give you common examples of how people fail to observe by applying the 12 communication barriers in my program. Never before has it been made in clear detail the common mistakes people make that kill conversations. The first part of the dialog is person one while the second part is person two who uses the communication barriers:

1. Criticism – “I’m trying to improve my skills in that area.” “Good. Because you’ve really sucked at it recently.”
2. Labeling – “I wish you would do house work more often.” “You’re just a nagger.”
3. Diagnosing – “I don’t want to go out right now.” “You’re just saying that because you’re mad about last night.”
4. Praising – “There! Done! Happy I’ve done the work now?” “You’re great for doing that job!”
5. Ordering – “I need a break from working.” “It doesn’t matter. Do what I told you to do now.”
6. Threatening – “I need a break from working.” “It doesn’t matter. Do what I told you to do now or I’ll make you do more.”
7. Questioning – “I’m feeling depressed about what happened today.” “You’re depressed again?”
8. Moralizing – “I don’t want to donate to charity.” “It’ll be good for you to help out.”
9. Advising – “I can’t believe my friendship has ended with Jenny.” “You shouldn’t have talked with her about Bob the other day.”
10. Reasoning – “I’m so angry right now because of my boss at work today!” “You need to focus on getting a new job.”
11. Reassuring – “I’m worried about performing well at the presentation tomorrow.” “You’ve got great skill and will perform fine.”
12. Deflecting – “Argh! I can’t believe Jerry always bugs me.” “Oh, yeah. Speaking of people being bugging, his friend John annoyed me the other day.”

Each time the second person judged and evaluated when he or she had the chance to provide a healthy observation. We hate being judged, evaluated, and told what to do. In response to the barriers, people become defensive, argumentative, frustrated, and resistant to persuasion.

To further demonstrate the barriers and help you grasp the observation stage because it is vital to understand, here are more examples of evaluations and the reasons they are evaluations:

• “You’re very kind by helping out.” – The word “kind” is a moralistic and judgmental word. It is distinguishes the behavior as good or bad. The person gets evaluated as good instead of the person’s behavior as good.
• “I reckon Mary is ugly.” – The adjective “ugly” evaluates and criticizes Mary’s looks. Ugly is dependent on each person. Other people will like Mary’s appearance.
• “All guys are clueless about managing a relationship.” – Too generalized and not specific enough. Nothing productive can come from such statements. Blame, misery, and a lack of change can only develop.
• “She avoids me.” – This is a diagnosis because the person tries to interpret and read into the person’s behavior. The person needs to provide evidence why the woman avoids him or her. Also, the word “avoid” needs to be replaced with something more concrete, like “walked away from”, because it assumes the woman’s behavior when there are many possibilities.
• “Britney, you don’t like my helping you.” – How does the person know Britney dislikes the person’s help? The person tries to mind-read instead of stating something more concrete like Britney’s emotions or physiology that communicate her possible dislike.

It can be overwhelming to hear about the communication barriers because they dissect the most common problems you have in your communication. In these frequent problems rest enormous potential and opportunity to be a powerful communicator. Should you see the barriers in your communication, you help transform yourself into someone who powerfully communicates with people. You may already be feeling the power of the communication barriers.

Some communication barriers in the above examples can be eliminated and evaluations be removed when you be specific. You can be specific by referring to a past situation. An effective observation typically begins with, “When you hear…” or “When you see…” The goal of this stage is to reflect your observation to the person. It cannot be repeated enough that it must be specific and free of evaluations.

One saleswoman knew the NVC process well. An angry manager approached her about a poor recent presentation she did. If most “good communicators” were in the lady’s shoes, they would respond along the lines of, “You’re angry at me about a bad presentation” or “You think I do not give good presentations”. At first glance, the examples may seem okay responses, but they are general evaluations. The manager may not be angry about a bad presentation. He may also think she is a good presenter.

The woman listened to the manager’s concerns and gave a good response: “When you hear me give a presentation that fails to persuade a potential buyer who could have given our company half a million dollars…” A couple of other good responses the saleswoman could use in different situations include: “It sounds to me as though you are gravely worried about the project not being accepted…” and “I see my exclusion of [so-and-so] facts made you frustrated…” All these examples are observations without evaluations. They are specific and show understanding and empathy.

Additional examples of the observation stage, which I will build on throughout the article to explain NVC, follow:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office?”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend.”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight!”

The four lines are free from judgments and other evaluations. They show understanding and empathy. They build a connection with people as they feel someone at last understands them! A lot of times your observation may be incorrect, but this does not matter when you observe without evaluation because the person will happily correct you.

Observations… build a connection with people as they feel someone at last understands them!

Now you know how to apply the observation stage on other people (the first step of the NVC), let’s learn how to apply the observation stage on yourself (think of it as the fifth step). When you use the observation stage on yourself, it is also necessary to remove evaluations. This will clarify what you require to fulfill that need.

Common evaluative statements and possible corrected observations (which I will build on throughout the article to explain NVC) include:

• “When I hear you become angry…” – Assumes the person is angry. You need to avoid judgments and say what lets you know the person is angry. Correct statements include, “When I hear you raise your voice…” or “When I feel intimidated around you…”
• “When I see you avoid me…” – Assumes the person avoids you. You need to say what it is that makes you think the person avoids you. Correct statements include, “When I see you walk away from me…” or “When I cannot make eye contact with you…”
• “When I come home from work and see you annoy me…” – This starts off well, but quickly deteriorates. The person will become defensive when you say he or she annoys you. What is it that annoys you? A correct statement could be, “When I come home from work and see you lying on the couch…”
• “When you don’t like my cooking…” – Contains a judgment because the person is evaluated to determine if they dislike your cooking. It misses the true emotional content of the conversation. A correct statement could be, “When I don’t hear appreciation of my cooking…”

As you can probably see, observation statements of yourself typically start off with: “When I hear…” or “When I see…” Such statements initiate concrete evidence that lead you to a pure observation without judgment. You cannot judge or evaluate when you express what you hear or see.

A pure observation instantly reduces interpersonal violence, makes people feel understood, and increases your power with people. People open themselves to intimate communication and persuasion from your healthy expression that you understand them. Your understanding of people gives you the power to mold your relationships into the shape you want.

(There is a lot more to the 12 barriers I cannot explain in this article. Of the hundreds of communication books and programs I have been through, no other program has explained and made it easy for you to know what prevents you from connecting with people. I highly recommend you read the program by clicking here and grab your copy to learn more about the 12 communication barriers that kill conversations.)

2. Feeling

Once you observe the person, the second step of NVC is the feeling stage. The feeling stage has you identify the person’s feelings (the second step) and express your feelings (the sixth step).

Too often we get caught in the “what really happened” argument. Back and forth the argument goes to create destructive conflict. No one wins when logic gets the spotlight in conversations where people have an unmet emotional need. Feelings matter and deserve more attention than they get.

To continue from the example situations in the observation stage, the feeling stage of NVC follows:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless…”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted…”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic…”

Also, to continue from the provided examples in the observation stage for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared…”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached…”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted…”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed…”

Like the first step, people make common mistakes at the feeling stage that destroys effective communication. One of the greatest mistakes made at this stage is the inaccurate selection of feeling. I am an emotionally aware guy with regards to my own emotions and others’ emotions, yet I still express inaccurate feelings.

It is more important you accurately state your feelings than someone’s feelings because the person will likely correct their feelings you state. Unless the person has good communication skills and a good ability to interpret emotions, you are the only person who will accurately express your feelings. Choose an accurate feeling when you apply this stage of nonviolent communication on yourself otherwise the person will never understand how you truly feel.

To use the example “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached…”, if the person instead said, “When I see you walk away from me, I feel angry…” a misunderstanding occurs (assuming the person feels detached). It is easy to confuse detachment with anger. The person may be angry, but anger is not the real concern because detachment drives that anger.

Be responsible for how you feel and do not be responsible for how people feel.

A good emotional vocabulary is essential to nonviolent communication. The Nonviolent Communication book has a large list of feelings when our needs are being met and when our needs are not being met. I encourage you to read the list a few times to expand your emotional vocabulary. Alternatively, you can view a list of feelings online. When you expand your emotional vocabulary, you more accurately state what someone feels and what you feel.

The second largest mistake people make at the feeling stage of NVC is the wrong level of responsibility for emotions. We blame people for how we feel and blame ourselves for how they feel – we get mixed up. Be responsible for how you feel and do not be responsible for how people feel.

When you fail to be responsible for how you feel, you blame, condemn, and criticize people. You feel a victim of this world. You believe people are the source of your pain. You believe other people need to change. We all need to be continually reminded to take responsibility for how we feel because it is too easy to see ourselves as victims of people’s actions.

The other lesson to keep in mind is to not be responsible for how people feel. When relationships advance in importance, it is common to feel responsible for your partner’s emotions. If your partner is grumpy, you may feel responsible to make your partner happy. If your partner is sad, you may feel responsible to lift your partner out of his or her depressed mood. Statements such as, “What did I do to make you feel…” and “Have I caused you to feel…” are signals you feel responsible for someone’s feelings. Feeling responsible for someone’s feelings is dangerous to a happy and successful relationship because the person you feel responsible for becomes a liability. You feel they weigh you down.

I do not advise you to ignore the person’s emotions. In replacement of feeling responsible, you need to empathize. The first two stages do just that. Observe without evaluation and express the person’s feelings; do not judge the person or try to mind-read. This is far more helpful for you, your partner, and the relationship than manifestations of thinking you are responsible for people’s feelings.

The last point I want to make about the feeling of stage of NVC is taken from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program: avoid the logical argument and shift your focus on emotions.

Your partner storms into the room where you peacefully sit in your chair. “What the hell were you thinking when you did…!” Most people ignore the feeling and engage in a logical argument. In this example, logical statements could include, “I didn’t do that”, “That isn’t what happened”, and “You’re missing the point”.

Do not get entangled in a logical battle that cannot be won.

Do not talk about the content of your partner’s concerns. Do not get entangled in a logical battle that cannot be won. Focus on feelings through empathy. An effective statement would be, “You feel angry because you need…” This instantly shifts the conversation to what really matters: feelings.

One or two empathizing statements will not be enough when emotions are intense. Just keep going through the process and you will be amazed at the communication changes that take place. Follow the feeling stage of nonviolent communication, and you will understand people – and have them understand you.

3. Needing

The definition of a “need” says it is a requirement. For our use, it is also something you or the other person wants like personal space, silence, or attention. When you verbalize a person’s needs and your needs, two separated persons understand what it takes to resolve the problem and establish harmony.

Needs is a layer of communication that frequently gets submerged beneath the icy-cold waters of conflict. Rarely does someone express what they want. People prefer to destructively vent anger, complain about what they do not want, or whine about the problems that annoy them. Inside, they are frustrated individuals desperately wanting to be understood. When you look beneath the surface of someone’s behavior, you realize their feelings about unfilled needs is ignored.

Your first goal of the needing stage is to express the other person’s needs so both of you know what he or she wants. Your next goal is to express your needs to let the other person know what you want. These are the third and seventh respective stages of NVC. Once the two goals get ticked off, the couple understand one another, they become satisfied, and the relationship is more fulfilling.

To continue from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for the other person:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest…”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration…”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you…”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.”

There is one more stage to NVC, but you can already see the power in the process. The above incomplete examples have already shifted two frustrated individuals on different wavelengths to get in sync as they at last discover the needs of their conversational partner. Defined needs can be fulfilled (which is the purpose of the next step, requesting).

When you look beneath the surface of someone’s behavior, you realize their feelings about unfilled needs is ignored.

As with feelings, precision is not required when you express the person’s needs. People will correct you when you observe without judgment or evaluation. Listen to what they say. Empathically receive their hidden plea. If you do the observing and feeling stage then get confused at the feeling stage, ask them, “What is it you need?” Most times, if you say an incorrect need, your observation and feeling steps help them correct you.

Drawing back to the common mistakes people have when they try to express their needs, the lessons of responsibility in the feeling stage relate to the needing stage. It is common to blame and criticize others when you try state your needs.

A manager needs the daily quota completed, but he blames and criticizes employees in ways like, “You’re not working fast enough. I can’t afford for you to be working at this pace.” While the criticism and vague statements is an entire communication problem by itself, the manager has not said what he wants. The manager may want to achieve the daily quota and have good intention to help employees, but this is not the message received. The employees feel attacked and remain bewildered about their manager’s wants. I doubt this manager has a happy and productive workforce.

As another example of someone poorly saying their needs, a husband comes home from work and needs personal space. His wife needs intimacy and communication. The husband needs personal space, but instead says, “Not now”. The wife needs intimacy, but she uses the communication barrier of diagnosing by saying, “You never want to talk to me”. Not only has the couple failed to express personal needs, each partner also failed to provide a pure observation of their partner’s needs.

If you cannot express your needs, it is difficult for someone to fulfill them. That is obvious now, but the heat of conflict can burn your positive intent to follow the NVC process. You now know to express your needs – and follow other stages of NVC – but it is easy to blame, criticize, and avoid the techniques when anger gets the better of you.

In conflict, you feel attacked and mirror someone’s anger. This is not peaceful communication. You probably reason to yourself that if people change, then you would not become angry – that is reactive, blame-filled living.

There is an amazing thought that has worked for me to overcome this problem. It is something I use everyday to separate myself from people’s below-average behavior. The technique keeps my head above the water in difficult conversations as it prevents me from being dragged into the depths of someone’s anger, rudeness, and poor communication.

No one can control how you feel without your permission.

When I feel an urge of anger towards someone, I think, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response. The way I’m reacting is making me angry.” I allow my anger to surface (because anger is healthy) while reframing my thoughts. Possible reframes include, “They aren’t making me angry. It’s my response.” “I know she cares about me because of what she did for me last night.” and “He’s probably angry because he had a tiring day.” No one can control how you feel without your permission. As Marshall Rosenberg said, “I never have to worry about another person’s response, only how I react to what they say.”

This is gold. No one can make you angry; it is how you react that makes you angry. The messages you channel in your mind makes you angry. You “reason with yourself” the meaning of their shouting, swearing, and anger. You probably interpret such messages as signals of disrespect or their lack of care for you. It is this rationalization that makes you angry.

If you react instead of respond, you will be angry because your response is dependent on the person. The example reframes I gave you control your interpretation of the person’s behavior to help you be calm and maintain poise regardless of someone’s reaction. You become a powerful person when you are a rock of emotional stability. People cannot undermine your strong foundations. (Learn how to maintain your power and control in any tough situation by reading the Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program.)

When someone is angry, they have a need. It is hard to realize a need when you are fearful or angry, but an angry person poorly attempts to fulfill an unmet need by indirectly trying to make you aware of it. Knowing that a person’s anger originates from an unmet need prevents you from taking it personally. The needing stage of NVC helps you identify what they need.

It is crazy how out-of-tune you are with your needs. If you cannot express your need in a constructive and direct way – let alone have an awareness of your needs – it will always be a fight to effectively communicate. Be aware of your needs, then it becomes much easier to manage conflict, control your responses, and be nonviolent.

To continue from the provided examples in the observing and feeling stages for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety…”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness…”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax…”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated…”

Think at a level of needs to see the deeper, more powerful, reasons behind a person’s actions.

You may catch yourself saying an incorrect want or what you do not want. You want to be accepted, yet say, “I need to not be ignored”. You want to be touched, yet say, “I need you to not be distant”. You want to be understood, yet say, “I need to not feel misinterpreted”.

Do not expect someone to magically fulfill your needs when you fail to state what you want. Figure out your problems instead of traveling the easy path of blame.

If you have problems seeing someone’s needs, it may help to identify your needs throughout the day. Tune-in to your needs and it becomes easier to tune-in to someone else’s needs. I think this is because you begin to think at a level of needs. You become aware of what drives humanity. You see a deeper reason behind each word, gesture, attitude, and behavior. Think at a level of needs to see the deeper, more powerful, reasons behind a person’s actions.

4. Requesting

You have discovered the first three stages of nonviolent communication: observing, feeling, and needing. The final stage of NVC is the simplest. It is the most powerful step to change a person’s behavior. Once you use the previous steps of NVC, you supercharge your power to get the request fulfilled because you have dealt with the emotional layer.

The requesting stage has you offer a solution that fulfills the need. The solution should prevent similar problems from reoccurring.

The most important technique to keep in mind when you make a request is to be specific (“Would you be willing to talk with me for 10 or so minutes after dinner just to chat?”); do not be general or vague (“I want you to be nicer to me.”) A request cannot be completed if it provides too much room for error.

Specificity does not mean you control everything. You can be specific in your desired outcome without being a frustrated control freak. I recommend you study my model of accountability, the decision tree of leadership, to learn more about responsibility and getting things done, which at the same time empowers people to be their own person.

To continue on from the provided examples in the observing, feeling, and needing stages for the other person:

• “When you hear me tell you to do work around the house, you feel overwhelmed because you need rest. Would you be willing to workout a weekly plan regarding the household chores?”
• “I see that you’re unhappy with the changes in the office? This makes you feel restless because you need consideration. Would you be willing to accept the changes this time and in the future we’ll ask you for your thoughts regarding the issue?”
• “It sounds to me as though you’re worried about losing a friend. This makes you feel brokenhearted. You need someone very close to you. Would you be willing to solve the issue with your friend?”
• “I see that you’re excited about winning tonight! You feel energetic because you have a need to win this important game.” (This example does not really have a requesting stage because it is an unusual application of the NVC process. You could say, “I would like to come watch you.”)

Once you apply the four steps of NVC on someone, you are ready to use NVC on yourself. To continue from the provided examples for yourself:

• “When I hear you speak loudly, I feel scared because I need emotional safety. Would you be able to keep a low voice the next time we argue?”
• “When I see you walk away from me, I feel detached. I need physical closeness. Would you like to cuddle when we’re alone and together?”
• “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax. Would you allow me to sit down for 15 or so minutes after work?”
• “When I don’t hear your appreciation of my cooking, I feel depressed because I need to be appreciated. Would you say ‘thank you’ or give another form of appreciation around once a week?”

“Would you like…” is the typical way to make a good request because it does not order, threaten, or blatantly advise the person. You can come up with and test peaceful ways to make a request.

If the person does not want to follow the request, you need to jump back through the stages to keep building empathy. “You do not like my solution of lowering your voice. You feel something else should be done.” You want compassion first, persuasion second.

Give people time and space to process what you observed, feel, need, and requested. When someone tries to connect with you by reflecting what you said, the worst thing you can do is condemn him for not understanding you. I know someone who gets frustrated when you do not hear or understand what he says. The people talking with him are afraid to seek clarification. They pretend to hear him to avoid his anger.

Somebody says that you are sad, but you are actually depressed. Do not say, “You don’t listen.” Thank them for their effort to understand then clarify your message.

Another helpful point from the needing stage is to say what you do want instead of what you do not want. Be clear, be specific, and make it actionable. As an example, do not say, “You need to work harder.” Say something along the lines of, “Would you be willing to complete the daily report by 5pm each day?” Nonviolent communication creates change when you are compassionate and specific.

A Complete Application and Case Study of the NVC Process

You learned a lot about empathy, listening, and the entire nonviolent communication process. It is time to give you a full example of the entire process. The main points I want to show you is the application and how it is not as sequential as the short examples you read.

Rarely do you say all four stages at once because it lacks empathy. Your partner says, “When I come home from work, I feel exhausted. I need to relax. Would you allow me to sit down for 15 or so minutes after work?” “Woah! Slow down tiger. You’re feeling what?” You need time to absorb what was said, why it was said, and what will be done about what was said. It is difficult to experience the depth of all NVC stages in one blow.

The first, second, and third stages often occur many times. You can observe, feel, observe, feel, need, feel, need, and then request. It all depends on what is appropriate for the situation. Think back to the analogy I mentioned about the vacuum. “Suck up” the person’s communication before moving on. You will always “miss a few spots” and need to return to stages. This is not backtracking or signs of failure – it is reality. Marshall Rosenberg says you will know when you adequately empathize when the tension reduces or the person has nothing else to say.

Onto the complete case study. The italicized text creates and describes the scenario. The non-italicized text in brackets is my discussion of what is going on to help you understand the communication dynamics taking place and the reasoning behind the person trying to use NVC. You can stuff up the process and still have it work out.

You will know when you adequately empathize when the tension reduces or the person has nothing else to say.

Ryan and Jessica are married. Recently, Ryan has been watching a lot of television, playing computer games, going out with friends, and working. He has not given Jessica the intimacy she wants. She has pointed out the problem and tried to provide a solution, but like everybody, she has repeatedly used the communication barriers, which block open communication and powerful change.

Ryan arrives home late one night after going out with friends. Jessica has no clue where he went. He enters the house where the couple make eye contact. Jessica is keen to use what she recently learned about nonviolent communication, but her newness to the model means she is likely to make mistakes.

Jessica: (Jessica has been anxious about Ryan for hours and greets him inside their house with a very unhappy face.) “Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick about you.”

Ryan: (Ryan has a smile on his face after arriving home from a good night out.) “Chill out. I’ve been out having a good time with my mates.”

Jessica: (Jessica’s emotions get intense causing her to become angry and forget the effective communication skills she learned.) “You want me to chill out while you’re out partying? Are you kidding me? You didn’t even tell me you were going out. You’ve been out having fun all the while I’ve been stuck here at home!” (Jessica has been caught in a logical battle with Ryan. She is talking about facts and trying to logically argue with him. The issue here is an emotional one, which means her focus needs to be on emotions.)

Ryan: “That’s why I don’t tell you because all you’re gonna do is annoy me. You’re a nagger. It’s not like I have to tell you everything.” (Ryan has become angry and joins Jessica in the conflict by using three communication barriers. He has diagnosed, criticized, and labeled.)

Jessica: “Ha! You’re like a little child. You don’t take responsibility for anything. I do all the work in this relationship.” (Jessica has criticized, labeled, and used universal quantifiers – all things that will make Ryan defensive. She has taken Ryan’s criticism as a personal attack and becomes angrier because she has failed to recognize that Ryan tried, though poorly, to met his needs.)

Ryan: “Oh! And you’re little miss perfect? You’re just a big pain in the a**!”

Jessica: (Jessica realizes she has forgotten nonviolent communication and sets herself back on the right path. She takes a moment of silence and breathes deeply to clear her head.) “You feel annoyed and this makes you angry.” (Jessica has turned her focus towards Ryan and first seeks to empathically receive what he has to say. NVC begins!)

Ryan: “You do more than annoy me! All you do is tell me what to do! You’re a stupid control freak and a b****!”

Jessica: (Most people say one good empathy statement and expect to receive an accolade. Few people notice it, but they will feel your empathy over time. Jessica keeps focused on the process.) “When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel controlled.” (Jessica has reflected back another one of his statements by using the observation and feeling stage. She begins to see he has an unmet need of freedom, which prevents her from feeling attacked.)

Ryan: “Yes! I hate it when you constantly nag me! I just want to have fun without you being a damn pest!”

Jessica: “So I can understand what is annoying to you, is what I said tonight an example of the nagging?” (Jessica is unsure of what he means by “nag” and so she asked a good question to clarify what he means. She needs to be careful about taking responsibility for the way Ryan feels.)

Ryan: “That’s just one small example of you being a damn pain.”

Jessica: “When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need freedom.” (Jessica has observed, felt, and identified a need.)

Ryan: (Ryan begins to calm down though he is still agitated.) “No! I… I just don’t like having to run everything through you like your some boss.” (Jessica wrongly identified one of Ryan’s needs, though it did not matter because he clarified himself.)

Jessica: “When you hear me ask you what you did, you feel irritated because you need independence.” (Jessica has rephrased her previous statement with a different need. She is attempting to identify Ryan’s unmet needs, which will lead to a solution.)

Ryan: “I do need independence and you’re not giving it to me. You control me. You’re not fun at all. You’re just a pain.”

Jessica: “You feel detached from me when you hear me tell you what to do.” (Jessica jumps back to the beginning of the NVC process by shifting her focus onto another feeling. Notice her empathy instead of reciprocating the attack.)

Ryan: (The tension is reducing.) “I guess that’s right. You’re no fun anymore. All you do now is annoy.”

(There is silence.)

Jessica: “When you hear me tell you what to do, you feel annoyed because you need more joy with me.”

Ryan: “That’s right.”

Jessica: “Would you be willing to help me become more fun?” (Jessica sensed the tension in the air dissipate and felt Ryan has said what he wants. Therefore, she made a request.)

Ryan: “I’d love to.”

(There is silence.)

(Jessica has used all four stages of the NVC process on Ryan. She is now able to use the process to express her observation, feelings, and needs, and make a request for Ryan to change his behavior.)

Jessica: “When you constantly go out without me, I feel detached.” (Jessica made a poor observation by evaluating with the word “constantly”.)

Ryan: “I don’t constantly go out!”

Jessica: “You feel frustrated because you don’t go out much.” (Jessica realizes Ryan may have another need then switches her focus back on him.)

Ryan: “Yeah.”

Jessica: (Jessica senses the number of times he goes out is not an issue and so she switches her focus back on herself.) “When you do not go out with me like tonight, I feel alienated from you. I need to be close to you a few nights per week.” (Jessica has made an accurate observation without evaluation and has given Ryan a specific example of the behavior she dislikes. She has also been able to identify her need of intimacy with Ryan.)

Ryan: “I see. You need to be with me whenever I go out?”

Jessica: “Thanks for telling me your understanding of what I need. To clarify what I meant, I don’t mind if you go out by yourself, but for example, like tonight I wanted to go out with you because I need physical closeness with you.” (Jessica thanks Ryan for trying to understand her even though he misunderstood. Most people would have felt frustrated, and started an argument, from Ryan’s excessive statement.)

Ryan: “Okay.”

Jessica: “Would you be willing to tell me what you’re doing so that we can go out more often?” (After completing all seven stages, Jessica finally makes her request to change Ryan’s behavior. This is usually the first thing people do; not the last.)

Ryan: “Sure – provided that you become more fun like we said earlier.”

Jessica: (Jessica hugs and kisses Ryan in huge relief. They have solved a problem ruining the relationship for months.) “Agreed.”

There are many possibilities that could have taken place in the above scenario and changed the communication, but the scenario beautifully demonstrates how nonviolent communication is applied to real life.

When you use this powerful type of communication for the first time, you may cry or have your conversation partner break into tears. Crying is good. When nonviolent communication opens the relationship, mental and emotional dams erected over years from misunderstanding smash down as intimacy gushes into the relationship. New emotional structures get built to form peaceful relationships when you use NVC overtime. “Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process,” said John F. Kennedy, 35th American President, “gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.”

(Read my review of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and visit the provided link where you can order a copy of the book today. Secondly, if you felt this article touched you, the “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” will bring more magic in your life because the skills and advice in the program strongly interconnect with nonviolent communication. Learn about the program here.)

Your relationships often determine the sweetness or bitterness of your life. When your relationships are great, life feels great. When you go through a break up like you are right now, life feels like crap.

The lessons in this article will be hard to accept. If you are after tips like “go see a movie with friends” to avoid the dark, deep secrets of working through emotional pain, go read the hundreds of trash articles about this topic over the Internet. The lessons in this article are hardcore. You will learn true mental and emotional strategies to get over your break up so you are ready for whatever you want your future to be.

What to Do About Your Special Situation

Not every break up is the same. Some create intense emotions of sadness, depression, and anger, while others are complete relief. I categorize relationship break ups into three groups:

1. You initiate the break up. This type of break up is the easiest. It will give you fewest troubles. Often the decision makes you happier than being in the relationship.
2. They initiate the break up. This is the hardest type of break up to manage. It is the main focus of this article.
3. Mutual break up. The rarest type of break up where both individuals often care how the other person feels about the decision. The two of you talk the process through and conclude splitting up is the best option. Reasoning, openness, and future plans are common.

When your ex decides to end the relationship, it feels like a loved one passing away. Psychologists concur that a relationship break up is like experiencing grief. If we contrast grieving with a break up, in both cases you lose someone you loved and you’re unwilling to psychologically let them go.

Deaths are inevitable. Break ups are inevitable. The first step to healing is to acknowledge relationships end. As simple as that statement appears, do not mistake simplicity for power. Your ego blows personal problems out of perspective causing you to think what is common in the world is unique for you.

You may think an ending relationship is the end of you. If you talk to a friend about getting over his or her relationship break up, you will not have this ego problem. You will see from a healthy perspective that break ups happen. This strategy is similar to disassociation where you look at your difficulty from an observer perspective. It is the first technique you can use to get over your ex.

You would be unable to experience the wonderful feelings you had with your recent ex if you stayed with your “ex ex”. The same can be said for your future partner. You cannot experience the wonderful times with them if you do not get over your broken relationship. It is as simple as that.

Deciding to get over a break up is often not that clear-cut. Sometimes you undergo a painful recurrent uncertainty when splitting up as you wonder if the two of you are actually apart. This leads us to the golden rule to get over your ex.

The Golden Rule of Moving On From Your Ex

Once you truly realize break ups happen and more importantly – that they will happen to you – tell yourself the golden rule of getting over a break up. Affirm and reaffirm to yourself that you want to get over your ex. Why is this a golden rule?

How often have you seen someone want to get over a break up yet they are resistant to actually breaking up with the person? It happens too often. You see them caught in the emotional turmoil, a tug-of-war game they can only lose.

What is even worse than being resistant to getting over the person, yet wanting to not get over them, is not being aware of the mental tug-of-war game. The internal conflict leaves you frustrated. You may think you have some weird psychological problem. You will be uncertain about getting back together as you unwilling move on and fail to enjoy life. When you want both lifestyles, you achieve neither. Commit to a decision.

If you have a choice to fly to Paris or Sydney, and you hesitate because you want to visit both cities, you will miss both cities. There is a Russian proverb that says, “If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.” By not being 100% clear with what you want (this goes for every other goal in life), you achieve little and remain frustrated. You become uncertain of yourself because you never critically think and investigate your feelings and thoughts to know your true desire.

Follow the golden rule. Ask yourself questions and be fully aware of what is making you resistant to emotionally releasing yourself from the person. You can ask yourself questions like, “What makes me still attracted to the person?” “Is my ex actually good to me?” and “Am I just afraid of loneliness?”

Discover the cause of your emotional pain. I cannot emphasize that enough. People are unconscious of their emotional awareness in a break up and never know why they experience pain. Conduct an “investigation” making it your goal to discover as much about yourself as possible. Gather as much information about yourself from self-talk and other people to solve “the crime”.

9 Signs You Should Break Up or Stick Together

You are still unsure if you should break up. There are simple actions you can take to see whether a break up is the better option.

There is no need to attend university for a degree in psychology to understand when you are in a bad relationship. There are signs you may be aware of that hint your relationship is more like a lemon than lemonade. Ask yourself these practical questions:

• Are you and the other person feeling the same emotions as you were at the start of your relationship?
• Do the two of you share the same important values like religious beliefs?
• How often do you communicate with one another?
• When you do communicate, what things do you talk about?
• Do you enjoy being together?
• Do you perceive being single in a better light than being in a relationship?
• What causes the two of you to fight? Little things that show hostility or big problems like an affair?
• Do you have a fear of hurting the person? Why are you putting yourself through misery in not wanting to hurt the person?
• Are you in the relationship because of guilt or love?

Ask other people what they see and think about your relationship with the person. Take their opinions into account. Do not base your decision solely on what they think because the most important factor is how you feel.

Many women in bad relationships remain in them because they would rather be in a bad relationship than be alone. They feel comforted in awful relationships. They see married couples and envy their relationship. They are overwhelmed at the thought of having to find another guy.

Another common reason for remaining in a bad relationship is love. Are you using the excuse that your feeling of “love” is keeping you from breaking up? Love is an intoxicating emotion. It is blinding. Even if you think you still love the person, ask yourself the many questions above. The questions act as objective judges to the situation; contrasted to your subjective emotion of love that intoxicates your understanding of the situation.

Love is an intoxicating emotion. It is blinding… It is not a relationship. It is an emotion.

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) teaches that you often fail to distinguish between various emotions. For example, excitement can be misunderstood as fear. How do you know that you feel love? Does your answers to the above questions sound like love to you? What specific events let you know you are in love? What physical responses do you have that let you know there is no love? Asking yourself these questions make it clear whether you experience love.

Even if you are sure you love the other person, love alone is a poor indicator of a good relationship. Love is not a relationship; it is an emotion. Without other aspects like time, happiness, and communication, what you feel is love does not comprehend a healthy relationship. Free yourself from the intoxication of affection, attraction, or love.

Relationships can be repaired even if things are sour at the moment. If you still have a relationship with this person where you can communicate, talk things over with your partner in a safe environment. If the relationship is over, ask yourself the list of above questions to reinforce your thoughts to fight away “what ifs” and “maybes” that may surface in getting back with your ex.

How to Handle Emotional Baggage

Emotional baggage occurs when you carry emotions from one relationship to another much like you carry a backpack when you travel from one destination to another. It is easy to carry emotional baggage from one relationship to the next because you fail to let go or you fear reliving emotional pain.

People protect themselves all the time in new relationships by withholding themselves from the relationship. They say things like, “I don’t want to get hurt again”, “I’m still hurting”, or “I’m not over it.”

You forgo the risk of being hurt again when you protect yourself, but you also miss out on happiness with your partner.

There is no denying you can be damaged when you place trust in someone, yet holding yourself back makes you miss the joyful rewards of an intimate relationship. You reduce the risk of being hurt when you protect yourself, but you also miss full happiness with your partner.

You do not have to quickly “dive into” a relationship. Solid relationships build over time. You can “dip your toes” into the relationship and gradually, but surely, immerse yourself. Gradually drop your emotional baggage onto the ground. Doing so ensures you experience full intimacy that otherwise was unachievable with emotional baggage.

What to Do About Your Ugly Past

I firmly believe every person can learn a lesson from every person and situation. A relationship break up is no exception. You can experience personal growth instead of personal decay from any past challenge.

Your main goal in relationships is finding your perfect partner, someone with whom you can share love and feel connected. Emotional baggage limits this goal. It makes perfect sense to learn from a break up. I know you want to progress forward and find your ultimate partner; instead of remaining stuck in an old relationship where you waste time, intense emotions, and energy.

It is too easy to find the negative to strengthen negative beliefs instead of looking for the positive in a break up. This mindset is damaging as it causes a chain reaction of negative building on negative until you are emotionally unavailable. The negative reinforcement prevents you from becoming smarter and stronger for future relationships.

To learn from your experience, I recommend you take responsibility for what occurred. In many break ups, each person blames the other. Rarely is one person mutually agreed to have caused the split. Take responsibility and do not play the blame-game.

I can almost guarantee you did something seriously wrong in the relationship, which contributed to the break up – you just may be unaware of your contribution due to a lack of knowledge. Maybe you do not know how attraction works, how to effectively listen to your partner, or how to assert yourself to address a problem that concerns you. Can you see the role you played in the break up?

It is important to know that getting over a break up is more than moving on; it involves learning from your past for a better future by accepting responsibility for what occurred. Look at the situation as a experience to learn from in your journey towards finding your ultimate partner. What a powerful perspective.

The Quickest Way to Get Over a Relationship

There are many things you can do to get over a relationship break up, but the most important is to have a support group. This is the quickest way to get over a relationship because you explore what is inside of you and share the burden of a break up with someone who cares for you.

For most girls this is easy. You can communicate to your closest friends and talk to your parents or brothers and sisters.

For guys, it may be more difficult because we think we are not masculine if we talk about our emotions. Chances are you will not want to talk to your guy friends about the break up. Remember that if it’s not expressed, it’s repressed. You need to have a support group or at least a support person. You will find that accepting your emotions and expressing them allows you to heal. If there’s no one to talk to, try a friendly therapist. If you find a good therapist, trust me, it will be your best investment of the year.

If it’s not expressed, it’s repressed.

The most important thing with anyone you talk with to get over your relationship break up is to explain you simply want to be heard. Let the person know you are only after a listening ear to avoid having them turn into an amateur psychologist (a term I use in my communication secrets program to describe a person’s inclination to judge and project solutions). By letting them know you only want them to listen, they will be more willing to “absorb” the pain you feel. You do not want advice but to be able to express yourself and feel your emotions.

How to Move on From Pain: An Exercise to Heal You Now

Naomi Eisenberger, a University of California neuroscientist, discovered that the feeling of rejection in a break up switches on the same part of the brain as physical pain. The anterior cingulate receives an intense boost in activity. This is why a break up can be very painful. A punch in the nose is as threatening, according to your brain, as rejection in a break up.

A punch in the nose is as threatening, according to your brain, as rejection in a break up.

Physical pain can be cured by a doctor. However, does a doctor actually heal your wounds? No. The doctor helps your body get into a state of healing so it can heal itself.

The pain you experience from the past is irreversible. There is nothing you can do about it. You need to put your mind and body into a state that allows it to heal itself. One way to achieve this is time, but I am sure you do not want to waste ten years of your life in pain.

Another option is seeing a therapist. Should you choose a therapist? It is up to you. There is no shame in therapy. All therapy works for different people in different situations. Even no therapy is therapy because time itself is therapeutic.

Before you decide to spend thousands of dollars on someone who will listen to your problems, I want you to do this exercise. The exercise I am about to share with you is powerful because it does not change the content of your experience. Your experience has happened. You cannot change it. What the exercise does change is the process. The exercise changes the attributions you make to the past and future.

Think of a pleasant experience or imagine a pleasant experience you would like to have in the future. See the image. As you see the image, make it larger. Make the image bigger, brighter, and clearer. Take your time as you see the image increase in size. Step into the image as if you were living it from a first-person view. As the image changes, notice how you feel. Give yourself one-minute. Just sit there.

Next, move the image in the opposite direction. Take your time. Gradually make the pleasant image smaller, dimer, unclear, and distant from you. Step out of the image as you observe yourself in the situation. Again, as the image changes, notice how you feel.

Once you complete that little exercise, how did you feel when the image is bright and large? How did you feel when the image was small, dim, and far from you? Most people experience intense emotions when they see a bright, large image in first-person. They experience little emotion when seeing a small, dim, distant image.

If you make unpleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making pleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling miserable! On the other hand, if you make pleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making unpleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling happy!

Apply this concept to your relationships. If you want to move on from from an ex, make the images you have with him or her dim, gray, and distant like a dodgy old movie. See the images move away from you. To feel better being single, think of someone you love like a parent or role model. Make the image bright, vivid, and large.

Constantly see, hear, touch, taste, and smell the images in your mind. See yourself and others in your scene. Hear the sounds in your scene. What are you touching, tasting, and smelling? You will get over your relationship fast by intensely imagining your desired five senses.

The Last and Most Fun Step to Get Over a Break Up

At the start you read how life is sweet when your relationships are sweet. When relationships are bitter, life feels bitter. When you are single, life probably feels awful. It is a dependency trap.

You may desperately want a partner. You think the person will solve personal problems like boredom, unhappiness, and feeling unattractive. This neediness deteriorates a relationship. If you go into a relationship like this, you destroy it.

I question whether you should be in a relationship if you do not have a great single life where you wonder how to fit in a relationship. Become your own energy source. Be comforted, happy, and emotionally secure while you are single. This view is the opposite perspective to a time-consuming, miserable, codependent relationship.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make a big change in your life right now. You could work harder to get a promotion, exercise, read self-help books, take a new course, socialize more often, or go out with friends. Create a single life where you are happily active – and even do not want a relationship with someone you like because you are so busy loving what you do. Such a great single life will attract a future partner for you.

A break up can be one of the greatest things to happen to you if you are aware of the potential held in the moment. Learn from the break up. If splitting up encourages you to undergo a lot of self-help, the change can excite you.

When life throws you a lemon with a bad relationship, do not try and divulge the lemon. Look at the lemon from a different perspective to see you can make lemonade. You may feel bitter right now, but follow the advice in this article and you will look at a break up from an empowering perspective. Soon you may even wonder why you were in a relationship because single life can be so great.

(If you are reading this article, single because of your recent break up, feeling a sense of depression, and still want to get back with your ex, pay attention to what I’m about to share with you before your ex finds someone else. For a full course to get back with the person you love, I highly recommend guys get this course and girls get this course.)

As I drove, the open car park gave me an invitation to have a little fun with my car. If landscapes could talk, this one was whispering into my ear that I should spin the wheels. “Besides, it’s late at night. No one is around. It’s an open car park with no danger. Do it!” Like a vulnerable teenager succumbing to peer pressure, I accepted the invitation.

My foot pressed the accelerator as I spun the wheel left to get quick around the first corner. The rear tires lost their stability as the car slide side-ways. The car became an extension of my body as it mimicked my ecstatic mood. I entered the next turn and spun the wheel right. The sound of screeching tires was water fertilizing my increasing smile. Smoke filled the rims of my tires and a shot of adrenaline filled my body.

Following the two consecutive drifts, I straightened the car and approached a set of traffic lights on the main road that would take me home. Had this been during the daytime, about seven cars would be in front of me before the upcoming traffic lights.

My friend who had left before me had passed through the traffic lights three seconds ago so the lights were still green. Keeping in the mood, I put my foot down to catch the green light. I would safely make it. I turned around the corner with a soft screech of the tires. 20 meters in front of me on the side of the road were two police officers beside their vehicle. Lucky me.

The police pulled me over. Opposite to what you might be thinking, I was not concerned. I was still in my elevated state. I smiled. I wound down my window and an angry officer came charging at me, yelling, “What the hell are you thinking? What the hell is going through your mind?” I paused momentarily, unaffected by his aggressive state. I said smilingly, “I’m just happy, I guess.” Not a smart response. Not a smart response at all.

My happy mood seemed to pour fuel on his already raging fire. “Bloody hell mate! I could just give you a ticket right now!”

As I thought how to approach this difficult situation, I was still happy then it hit me. I knew I should have said something else. I gulped. My mind rushed to think of some communication techniques I could use as a life boat to save me from drowning in the conversation. All that came to mind were some techniques on getting out of a speeding-ticket. I annoyed the officer enough so surely it couldn’t get worse.

My smile began to lower. I no longer made eye contact with the officer. The officer’s raging mood began to infect me. He was making me feel angry. It was as if my body was overcome by an emotional virus from the officer who was the virus’ host.

I thought of the techniques to get out of a speeding-ticket and realized I was already beginning to use them. It was too late to make the officer feel safe as he approached the car, but I needed to no longer act oblivious to my mistake. I needed to show respect as officers are in a clear position of authority and often experience disrespect throughout their day that only makes them more determined to convict guilty citizens. “You’re right,” I replied. “I was stupid and careless.”

The officer was still enraged and continued to threaten me with a ticket. I knew he could easily write me a ticket, but he was not writing one. I kept myself aligned with the officer’s reality by remaining in a “Yes I’m wrong, stupid, and shouldn’t have done that” mood. I continued to play psychological judo, and match my mood with his own, until two minutes later he said to drive away. And oh, no ticket!

I drove off – though feeling pleased I had beaten a reckless driving ticket – in an irritated state. The officer had destroyed my happy mood. It took two minutes of talking with the officer to completely transform my happy state into a joyless, gloomy mood, which I remained in for another two hours until I went to bed.

The Science of Emotional Contagion – How Two Minds Infect One Another

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.Maya Angelou, poet and actress

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.Mark Twain, highly quoted writer

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.Anonymous

I am involved in all of mankind.John Donne, 16th century poet

My story depicts your reality with emotions. Everyday you interact with people in different moods. Sometimes you are happier than people; other times they are happier than you. Emotions transfer between people. This is a fascinating peculiarity with emotions. Have you ever noticed how we feel in our interactions is not only dependent on our internal state?

• How did you feel when someone really annoyed began talking to you? You became more annoyed.
• How did you feel when someone unhappy began talking to you? You become unhappy.
• How did you feel when a depressed person shared their misery with you? You felt depressed and miserable.
• How did you feel when a charismatic person talked to you? You felt his energy and you began to feel happier.

You can catch an emotional cold.

Psychologists call this phenomena “emotional contagion”. It is a psychological and physiological process – a transference of emotion that can occur from mimicking body language. Elaine Hatfield, a professor at the University of Hawaii, in a study with John Carlson and Christopher Hsee, had college students watch a videotape of a man describe two very emotional experiences: his life’s happiest and saddest events. While the college students watched the tape, they were taped so the researchers could record the students’ emotional responses. The students were also asked what feelings they experienced for each story at the end of the video.

Researchers found that students showed and expressed the recorded person’s emotions. The student’s felt happy when they watched the man describe his happiest event. The students felt sad when they watched the man describe his saddest event.

Hatfield and her two colleagues, John Cacioppo and Richard Rapson, in their co-authored book Emotional Contagion, say the psychophysiological phenomena occurs from automatically matching facial expressions, vocalics, postures, and movements. Hatfield says, “People tend to experience emotions consistent with the facial, vocal, and postural expressions they adopt.”

When you really listen to a friend, empathy puts you in their shoes to experience what they talk about. The friend describes an argument with an ex-partner, the yelling, the misunderstandings. You vividly see what your friend talks about. The experience lets you feel the pain your friend feels. Well-known psychologist Albert Bandura says the shared experience results in a shared feeling. That is the price of listening: not only can you catch a cold, but you can catch an emotional cold.

Mirror Neurons – The Mind’s Mirror

There is a scientific explanation behind how our emotions – an experience of mind and body – transfer to somebody else. In 1980s, three Italian researchers made what is said to be one of the greatest neuroscience breakthroughs in recent times: discovering the mirror neuron. Three researchers in an experiment attached electrodes to a macaque monkey’s brain. This enabled the researchers to determine what movements caused what neurons to activate. As the monkey reached for food, the researchers took note of single neurons being fired.

One time when the electrodes were still attached to the monkey, the researchers grabbed a piece of food themselves, then handed it to the monkey. To their surprise, the researchers saw the monkey’s neurons fire! By accident, the researchers had discovered that when they grabbed a piece of food, the monkey had the same neurons light up as if it picked up the food. The researchers came to name these neurons “mirror neurons” because they were like the mind’s mirror. The mirror neurons reflected what the person or monkey saw.

The finding may appear insignificant, yet the breakthrough discovery has lead to researchers to better understand autism, empathy, altruism, and general learning. Mirror neurons are responsible for tuning-in to another person’s behavior. The neurons are responsible for an awareness and shared-feeling between two people. This one type of neuron is responsible for the significant role of learning, understanding, and feeling.

How to Make Others Feel Great

An amazing, almost mystical link takes place to connect the brains thanks to the mirror neuron. A signal sent from either individual in the psychological connection travels via the link to similarly affect the recipient. Hatfield says, “We reflect what they feel.”

Smile at a baby, or almost anyone for that matter, and the baby’s mirror neurons fire to trigger an automatic smile. That is why the age-old saying, “smiling causes the whole world to smile with you”, is true. Not only is emotional contagion a replication of another’s emotions, but it is a biological dance. It is an interlinking of mind and body.

The biological dance is an important part in group dynamics. Janice Kelly, a professor of psychological sciences at Purdue University, says emotional contagion causes people to converge into an affective homogeneous group. In other words, group members experience the same emotions overtime as their fellow members. Kelly says that people with highly expressive body language are more able to impose their emotions on others. The distinctive nonverbal signs allows individuals to pick up on the person’s emotions and become infected by their emotional state. Here we see another age-old saying, “monkey see, monkey do” proven.

How to Be Great

Another age-old theory of staying away from toxic people because they pull you down is now a physiological and psychological fact. Being around suppressing or uplifting people affects your body and mind. We were born for interaction and connection with one another. We are a social animal.

If you study self-help, you know the benefits of making friends with wealthy people if you want to be wealthy. If you want to be happy, you make friends with happy people. If you want to be confident, you make friends with confident people. If you want to be funny, you make friends with funny people. Observance creates transference.

Observance creates transference.

Athletes often play their sport better after watching superior athletes excel in the same sport through the magic of transference. You come to pick the characteristics you see in others because they infect you with their style, knowledge, and emotions. Being around people you want to be like is a secret of self-transformation to stimulate that emotional desire needed for growth.

Whether you intend to be infected by someone or not is irrelevant to mirror neurons because they are responsible for imitating other people. You do not decide to take in the exposure – the adaption from mirror neurons is an automatic process. Our parents told us to avoid hanging out with the wrong people for a reason. “People are like dirt,” said the classical Greek philosopher Plato. “They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.” It is reality that you absorb the characteristics of people you observe.

Put yourself in a group where the individuals are depressed and you will become depressed. Put yourself in a group where the individuals blame others and you will blame others. Put yourself in a group where the individuals are prejudice against blacks and you will become prejudice against blacks. Or in my case: do something stupid on the road in front of a police officer to make him angry so you become angry.

Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Mirror neurons are not all bad news. In fact, they can be wonderful! Mirror neurons do not have to be the only source of influence on your mood or way of thinking. You can still be with depressed, blame-filled, or prejudiced individuals without taking on their characteristics. Therapists, social workers, and doctors are a few categories of professionals who need to work with people in the “don’t infect me with your emotional disease” category. Even so, people in such professions have a harder time making themselves immune from emotional diseases because mirror neurons are a part of the brain every moment of life.

Though you and I will always be around less-than-optimal people, we need to put ourselves around people who have the characteristics and emotions we want. We naturally gravitate towards these people. They have a set of likable characteristics that draw us to them to bring out the best in ourselves. As Mark Twain said, “Really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

The Brain’s Low Road and High Road: Brain Secrets to Smart Living

While emotional contagion is an important variable of the formula to become who you want, it is also important you do not rely on other people to make you feel good. Letting the emotional parts of your brain (mostly the almond-shaped amygdala located deeply beneath both sides of your temples) roam like a child on the street is dangerous. Neuroscientists say you can control emotional responses to a certain extent.

When our ancestors faced a dangerous predator, they had to make a quick decision, an emotional response void of time-consuming rationalization that puts the person’s life at risk. Their eyes would widen and pupils dilate to visually take in more information. They received a shot of adrenaline to increase the supply of oxygen and glucose to muscles for strength and speed. Unnecessary bodily functions like digestion became suppressed. In terms of brain functions, neurological signals detour the slow responding “high road” and take the “low road” to produce a quick response. (I recommend you grab Daniel Goleman’s Social Intelligence to better understand the neuroscience behind emotions).

In a low road response, the sensory signals bypass the cortex and go straight to the amygdala to produce a reflexive response. Going straight to the more primitive amygdala produces reflexive, unconscious decisions. Neuroscientists say these primitive parts of the brain are difficult to change.

One low road response could be your reaction to a loud bang. The ear-busting sound causes an adrenaline response like widened eyes, dilated pupils, and increased supply of oxygen all in the first few milliseconds you hear the sound. You quickly look towards the bang to rapidly calculate whether it signals danger. If you cannot see the source of the sound, you unconsciously resort to social proof by looking at people’s faces to see their reactions and how you should respond. These decisions take less than a second.

Babies are frightened by loud noises because they have yet to discover that loud noises can be safe. You would scream, cry, and sprint away from loud noises if your brain overtly emphasized the low road in everyday living. This is where the high road, a more analytical neurological path in your brain, comes in to better control your emotional responses.

The high road is a slower response path that uses the logical parts of the brain like the frontal cortex and the hippocampus (your memory) to respond appropriately to stimulus. These brain parts are vulnerable to neuroplasticity that describes physical change. The brain gradually shapes itself by learning that all loud bangs are not dangerous.

After the first seconds following a loud bang, your brain transitions over to the high road by analyzing the situation. While the low road is responsible for reflexive decisions beyond your control, the high road can jam a cognitive wedge in the low road to help you better adapt and survive. A cooking saucepan dropping on the hard kitchen floor does not trigger you to bash on a neighbor’s door for help.

The Scientific Method to Be Happy and Likable

Some neuroscientists say it is impossible to control all emotional responses due to the brain’s low road producing a quick response for survival. Researchers agree you can put your brain’s high road to better use. When you think about an emotional response, you use the logical prefrontal cortex to override the signals received by the emotional amygdala. This is where neuroscience meets personal development.

One of my favorite techniques that uses my high road to take me to happiness, stability, and understanding is reframing. In reframing, you manipulate your initial interpretation, often a quick-response, in a situation to produce a response that benefits you and your relationships.

A powerful reframe described in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program is positive intention framing. In positive intention framing, you identify the positive intention relevant to the limiting situation. Let’s say you are in a serious argument with your spouse. Most people in such an argument let: 1) the low road control the argument as they react impulsively and later regret what they said during the heated disagreement and 2) emotional contagion infect themselves with a negative mood for hours following the argument. You can have a degree of control over impulsiveness and emotional infections by reframing.

A positive intention reframe could identify your spouse’s yelling as their need to be heard, understood, and received; instead of a personal attack. Alternatively, you could positively reframe your spouse’s yelling as a welcomed release of frustration so you can listen to what concerns him or her.

The purpose of positive intention reframing is to stop you from thinking your story is right and that hidden information exists. It does not directly manipulate your emotions, rather it opens your mind to empowering options, which alters your emotional state. Reframes use your prefrontal cortex to take the high road and interpret the situation in a way that lets you act resourcefully. Reframing is proven by research to be one of the most effective anger management techniques. (I give you six other specific, easy-to-use reframes for any situation in my program, which you can read about by clicking here.)

The Shocking Truth About Happy People

Happy people are experts at reframing initial interpretation (“He is a ****head for cutting me off in traffic!”) into empowerment (“He mustn’t have seen me”). They use their prefrontal cortex to take the brain’s high road. What happens outside does not matter because their mental attitude is what matters. “Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions,” said Dale Carnegie, “it is governed by our mental attitude.”

Contrary to what you may think when someone is angry, happy effective communicators do not think positively to stop themselves becoming angry. Let’s say an aggressive person talks to someone with effective communication skills. The effective communicator is able to defuse the aggression through their communication style even though the emotional aggression is still received. A good communicator feels the aggression, but they reframe their response, which enables them to control emotional contagion and a destructive low road reaction. They see it in frames such as, “He’s trying to get me to understand him.” or “I enjoy the problem coming to surface instead of it remaining hidden where it eats away the relationship.” These frames let the effective communicator efficiently respond.

The happy effective communicator does not avoid anger. The happiest people get angry, cry, and accept emotions. Happy effective communicators are so because they embrace all emotions and open their minds to other interpretations.

Happy effective communicators embrace all emotions.

Happy people express anger by owning it (“I am angry!”). The problem of emotional contagion in bad communication, therefore, is not the current emotion, but how it is expressed. Blaming someone for your anger (“You’re a ****en idiot!”) makes them angry. When you harmfully express anger, the emotional infection escalates. Alternatively, suppression of anger avoids reality as resentment builds and the relationship withers away to its death.

In terms of depression, emotional contagion and reframing is no different. Depressed individuals seek isolation to feel better about themselves. The isolation compounds their depression – an ironic effect. The solution to depression is too complex for discussion in this article, yet sufferers are better off interacting with happier people to beat depression than being in isolation. They need destructive interpretations (“I’m a loser”) reframed into ownership and empowerment (“I’m feeling down today”). Similarly, they should make mirror neurons benefit themselves by smiling – even if it feels artificial – as it forces the body to be happy.

Emotional contagion can work for you or against you. Its affect is decided by how you use the high road of your brain.

The Best Technique to Change People’s Emotions: Emotional-Leveling

We now see how reframing controls your responses to situations. What about other people’s responses? Should you let other people react in whatever way they happen to react? Can you use a technique to uplift other people and have emotional contagion help your relationships?

In general, do not worry about people’s responses because your response is what matters. Worrying over people’s responses is a powerless concern for the future. Trouble results the moment you try to directly manipulate a person’s emotions just like your own emotions.

Do not worry about people’s responses because your response is what matters.

Forcing your happiness on someone unhappy, negative, or angry is counter-productive. When I was happy and smiling, the angry police officer became more infuriated.

The next time someone around you is angry, look them in the eye, smile, and tell them, “What a beautiful day!” The person will become more angry and say something like, “It’s a disgusting day.” At times your happy attitude may change someone’s unhappy perspective, but the technique is unreliable because it suppresses present emotions. What is an effective communicator to do when emotional contagion creates an ineffective, unproductive environment?

On one level you need to prevent yourself from being a carrier. When you talk to a friend in need, you are faced with the challenge of empathizing with your friend’s pain. You draw yourself into your friend’s struggle and feel the same pain. (True empathy does not make you a carrier.) At another level you need to prevent other people from being carriers. Sometimes people go nowhere productive and you need to put them into an emotionally empowering state. These mood challenges exist when you want to bring the best out of people.

The technique of reframing minimizes the likelihood of you carrying a dangerous emotional virus, while a technique I call “emotional-leveling” helps you prevent people from remaining in states that do them and others harm. Doing these two things controls emotional contagion to build happiness, power, and healthy relationships.

The emotional-leveling technique firstly adjusts your emotions to reflect the other person’s emotional state. You then slowly raise your emotions and simultaneously theirs with emotional contagion and mirror neurons until the person enters the desired state. The technique does not try to manipulate the person’s emotions; it encourages them to feel one’s emotions and then move forward in healing. (I cannot emphasize enough that you must allow others to accept and express their emotions. Do not use the emotional-leveling technique to avoid emotions.)

Again, you firstly connect at their level. Do not fight anger with happiness nor should you reciprocate verbal aggression. If the person is aggressive or depressed, take on a similar emotional level to build empathy and understanding. If an aggressive person walks around, walk around with him or her. If someone talks fast, you should also talk fast. For a depressed person, show you are also feeling depressed without developing depression. Be slower in your movements, speak softer, and have similar facial expressions as the person. Your goal is to enter their state without escalating the problem.

Once you connect at the person’s level and let him or her process present emotions, you then raise your emotional state. Make a joke or use a reframe on the situation. How does the mindset of this technique differ to being an annoying happy person smiling at everyone? Instead of reaching down to pull the person out of their emotional hole only to have them reject your assistance, you jump in the hole and let them stand on your shoulders to climb out.

Your reframes get accepted because you are in the person’s emotional state! If you were happy and told an unhappy mate who recently broke up that he should lighten up, he will reject your reframe and dislike you. On the other hand – and this is where the power of emotional-leveling comes in – if you are also unhappy after communicating with him, such that he knows you share the same emotional state, he will accept a reframe like, “Break ups are painful, yet they allow you and I to meet future partners we will love.”

If you combine the reframing technique with the emotional-leveling technique, you control your emotions and thoughts and help other people control their emotions and thoughts. These two skills help you and others express, share, and manage emotions that otherwise harm relationships. You transform what would normally be a destructive emotional outbreak into a positive outbreak.

Emotional contagion is a fascinating topic. You can make the psychological and physiological phenomena work for you instead of feeling you are its victim. Interact with people you want to be like. Reframe situations to travel along the high road to happiness. Make people’s mirror neurons mimic your rising state and their biology will become like yours. It seems like magic, but it is science.

Richard Bandler and John Grinder are co-founders of NLP. 30 years ago they were making discoveries on human communication still being realized by today’s public. Their knowledge and understanding on the topic comes from decades of experience and modeling expert communicators so you can expect an in-depth discussion on human communication and behavior within the book.

Frogs Into Princes is a transcript from a live seminar conducted by Bandler and Grinder. Because the seminar was for therapists, most of the techniques’ applications are discussed in a therapist-patient scenario. Therapists and psychologists will find the applications of the techniques extremely useful for improving therapeutic communication with patients.

The book is divided into three main sections:

1. Sensory Experience: Representational Systems and Accessing Cues
2. Changing Personal History and Organization: Anchoring
3. Finding New Ways: Reframing

The first section was possibly the first ever discussion on accessing cues. If you’ve seen a movie where an investigator knows the suspect is lying because of the suspect’s eye movements, you’ve seen the basics of accessing cues. It is more complex than simply observing eye movements because the way we access information is dependent on the questions asked. The first section reveals this fascinating aspect of human communication.

Representational systems involves the language used in communication and matching the person’s representational system to build rapport. It involves amazing awareness of someone’s body language and appropriately adjusting your own body language to create rapport with people. Matching a person’s representational system is an effective, underused technique to migitate conflict.

The anchoring section deals with classical conditioning and learning to associate certain actions, mostly kinesthetic, to evoke specific emotions and thoughts. The extreme basics of the technique involves touching someone while getting him or her to elicit specific emotions. When you touch the person in the same manner at a later time, they will experience the same emotions when you first touched the person. (That is a very brief description of anchoring. If you try it based on what I told you, it will likely be ineffective.) The section mostly discusses anchoring in the context of overcoming fear in therapy, but it can be easily used in relationships, healing painful memories, negotiations, sales, leadership, and seduction. The application for every technique discussed is diverse.

The last section of Frogs Into Princes gives an exact formula for reframing. The neuro-linguistic technique of reframing involves changing the way you see an event to change its meaning. I have found it to be one of the greatest techniques to overcome fear and build unstoppable confidence for myself and others I’ve helped. I feel reframing is a must-have technique for any person who is interested in getting past problems and obtaining the most out of life.

The list of applications for every technique in the three sections are endless.

You would think that because the book is a transcript, the language used would be easy to understand, like the simple language used in face-to-face communication, but it isn’t. This is the greatest downfall of the book. Most parts of the book are difficult to understand because of the terminology used so a lot of “newbie” communicators will struggle to get the most out of the book. (This is true for just about all books on NLP. Nonetheless, Frogs Into Princes covers the foundations of NLP if you can get past its complex terminology.)

Even I found myself re-reading some sections five times to understand what was being said. I found the sections to loop into each other, however, where the understanding of certain parts were clearly understood in later sections. Don’t get caught in understanding everything immediately because you may figure it out later reading the rest of the book.

If you don’t mind more “complex” reads or you think your communication skills are pretty advanced, then you’re sure to get a lot out of this book and I recommend it for you. The last time I checked, the book was out of print, but fortunately it is still made available to you in quality second-hand copies via Amazon. Once you get your copy, hold on to it. You’ll see it as a valuable addition to your personal development and communication library. You can grab your copy of Richard Bandler and John Grinder’s Frogs Into Princes from Amazon by clicking here today.

You’ve been to told to see the glass half full, but how do you do it? How can you reinterpret worries, fears, disagreements, interpersonal conflict, anger, and misunderstandings to empower you, instead of disempower you? L. Michael Hall and Bobby G. Bodenhamer in Mind-Lines show you exactly how with the magical neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) technique of reframing that shows a new way of living through interpretation.

How you interpret events determines how you feel and behave. Most people, unfortunately, use harmful interpretations. A father sees his son watch television while laying on his bed. The father gives his son’s behavior a meaning of “laziness”. As a result, the father starts criticizing his son out of the lazy frame. There’s another father and son in the same scenario. This other father gives his son’s behavior a meaning of “relaxation” then lets him be.

The premise of reframing is the world has no meaning by itself. What you see around you means nothing until you give it meaning. “By mind-lines we refer to the lines (the linguistic constructions) that we connect and associate to things that create meaning formulas,” write Hall and Bodenhamer. “By the changing of meaning, our emotions change, as do our behaviors, habits, moods, attitudes, skills, health, etc. and our life.” You become empowered to transform your world when you see that you give “reality” its meaning.

Each of us has what the authors call a “map”. Our map is our understanding of reality that provide us with a direction in this world. The map is only a construct of reality (a NLP presupposition); it’s not reality itself. Mind-Lines will have you analyze your map, see its many faults, then help you construct a healthier one for your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. The same lines used on yourself can be used in your communication with others to change their behaviors, habits, moods, attitudes, skills, health, and life.

You become empowered to transform your world when you see that you give ‘reality’ its meaning.

In the fifth edition of Mind-Lines exists 26 reframing techniques. These 26 reframes are conceptualized in the meta-model, a model introduced in part one of the book to illustrate how the reframing methods fit together. I found myself overwhelmed at the beginning of the book as the first of four parts focuses on the meta-model theory of reframing. Once I finished reading part one, however, I realized the foundational material gave me the framework to understand and more easily use the 26 reframes discussed in part two.

When you read this book, if you have a similar experience, don’t let this small hurdle block you from experiencing the book’s power. The majority of the book will be understandable for everyone. It will just take more time than your average self-help book to read.

It is a practical book. All 26 reframes get applied to six specific statements plus many additional statements scattered throughout the chapters. The authors encourage you to try each reframe on the six provided statements, then compare your answers to the authors’ answers. I encourage you to apply your limiting beliefs to each reframing technique to feel the magic of instant change in how you view problems.

To give you an idea of how reframing is used and its power, here is an example of positive prior intention framing, the eighth reframe. The foundation under positive prior intention framing is that every behavior has a positive intention behind it. Even hurtful behaviors contain a hidden positive intent, which you sometimes must dig for to discover. A positive intention reframe in response to, “I hate it when you treat me badly” could be, “It’s good to hear that you want to be treated well. What can I do to treat you better?” This is a drastic and powerful change to a reply of, “I DON’T treat you badly! You’re the one who is mean to me!” that most people would use.

Here’s an example of criteria and values framing, the fourteenth reframing technique. This reframing techniques puts into perspective what the person deems important. You give people, or yourself, motive to change. A criteria and values reframe in response to, “You’re rude for not washing the dishes” could be, “When you tell me I’m rude for not washing the dishes, it hurts me. Is our relationship more important than the dishes? If so, would you prefer to tell me to do the dishes without hurting our relationship?” What a wonderful example of reframing a person’s behavior.

Another interesting aspect of the book is something called a “meta-state”, a term that describes a state about a state. For example, you can be angry about being stressed. Our meta-states get multi-layered and confusing. Let’s say you experience guilt from hurting your partner. You then wrap the guilt with anger by becoming angry about the guilt. The anger leads to depression about the anger. The methods in this book allows you to overpower “lower levels” with “higher levels” that give you more productivity, efficiency, a better mood, relieve stress, and generally anything else that is beneficial for you.

I have experienced the NLP technique of reframing in changing my behaviors, moods, and fears – as well as helping other people change themselves. I feel it is more powerful than other NLP techniques like the swish pattern. Knowing how to reframe is a skill for life you can use anywhere at anytime to improve yourself or another person. Mind-Lines is helpful for your personal development and relationships with everyone as it changes everyone’s perception of reality. It is a great book that teaches a great technique.

The little price of the book is nothing when you consider everything you experience in this world depends on how you frame it.

The six pages straight after the preface titled “Mind-lining a Toxic Idea”, is worth a thousand times the book itself. I say this with confidence that reading those six pages will change your life. In those six pages, the 26 reframing techniques are applied to “failure”. The word “failure” will be eliminated from your life for good if you apply the simple reframes – but it doesn’t stop there. The reframes will not only cancel limiting feelings and thoughts towards failure, but the reframes transform the concept of failure into a power energy source for better behavior, mood, skills, and health. Is living a life without failure and misery important to you? Imagine the happiness and success you would experience when failure isn’t even a concept in your life? (Notice the reframes I just used.)

To finish this in-depth review, I want to use the mind-line of story-telling. There was a poor illiterate man who lived isolated in the woods. One day while walking through the woods he stumbled across a piece of paper that looked like a map. It was written in Chinese with a few strange diagrams he could not understand. He was confused with its meaning and threw away the paper. Years later, a Chinese tourist visited the area and found the same map. With a scream of excitement, the tourist realized he stumbled upon an ancient Chinese document. The tourist sold his discovery to a collector for a large amount of money.

The map is your understanding of reality. It can give you more things than wealth if you pay attention to it. Learn to alter your map to empower yourself to change yours and people’s behaviors, habits, moods, attitudes, skills, and health. I know you want what is best for yourself and your relationships, so I recommend you grab a copy of Michael Hall and Bobby Bodenhamer’s Mind-Lines: Lines for Changing Minds. The little price of the book is nothing when you consider everything you experience in this world depends on how you frame it. You can grab your copy of the book now from Amazon today by clicking here.

If you want to start a conversation with an interesting guy, whether it is online through sites like MSN, Facebook, face-to-face, or text, I have a two-step formula.

The first step is to overcome your fears, anxiety, and other “inner-game” problems. You reading this article wanting to know how to start a conversation with a guy tells me you need to solve inner-game problems rather than have me write you a few magical lines to use on a guy you like. The second step defines what you say and how you say it. When you follow this simple two-step formula revealed below, you will know how to start a conversation with a guy and keep the conversation going.

How to Easily Talk with a Guy Like He’s a Friend

Why do you find it easy to talk with friends, but you do not know what to say to a guy you like? You know your friends. This makes it easy to talk about a lot of things and proves the point I want to make: you are able to talk to friends because you do not feel vulnerable to them. You can talk to friends because you do not think about their judgments of you. This opens a floodgate of conversation topics that are suppressed when you try to start a conversation with a guy.

Compare talking with your friends to talking with a guy you like. You can talk about a million subjects with a guy you like, but you say nothing because you worry about him liking you and making a fool of yourself. This negative thinking chokes your ability to talk.

You don’t think negatively and judge yourself around friends so a trick is to not do it around a guy you like. A simple technique to talk with a guy is to pretend he is already a friend. You will relax and conversation topics will more easily come to mind.

Let’s say a girl comes across a guy at a shopping center she wants to get to know. She tries her best to think of something to start the conversation. She can’t think of anything to say. Her mind tells her, “You can’t do this”, “He won’t even like you”, and “You’ll just make yourself look bad and embarrass yourself”. She has already lost her inner game. No conversation starter can fix this because what to say is not the problem. It is important to sort out these inner game issues that prevent you from starting a conversation so you become the woman men want.

…what to say is not the problem.

When you suffocate your mind with destructive thinking, you cannot start a good conversation. Winning on the outside starts with winning on the inside. Before you win in the conversation by starting a good conversation, get your inner game in shape. Do not worry what to say when you cannot speak.

Let’s look into the first step of how to fix your inner game, then we will discuss techniques you can use to start a conversation with a guy and keep a conversation going.

A Simple Technique to Feel Great and Be Positive Around a Cute Guy

Motivational speaker Wayne Dyer uses the phrase “no limit thinking” to release people from self-limiting beliefs. These beliefs empower or disempower anything you do. William James, a 19th century psychologist that pioneered American psychology, said:

The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. To perceive the world differently, we must be willing to change our belief system, let the past slip away, expand our sense of now, and dissolve the fear in our minds.

You must release yourself from these beliefs to confidently start and maintain a conversation. Be a no-limit thinker. Remove the limits you have placed on yourself by using a technique called “reframing”.

Reframing is a simple technique. It has you change your interpretation of a situation. Your aim with reframing is to create thoughts congruent with your goals and repeatedly affirm these thoughts to yourself. The better you get at adopting no-limit thinking, your confidence improves as does your ability to talk with people.

The girl at the shopping center can use the reframing technique by changing her current negative thoughts to positive ones about having a great conversation with the guy. Below are some thoughts the girl in our example is trying to overcome and to the right of each limiting thought is a good reframe the girl could use:

Negative Thought	Positive Thought Using the Reframing Technique
“I’m nervous.”	“I’m nervous because I care about the situation.”
“I won’t start the conversation well.”	“I will start the conversation well as I can do with my other friends and other people.”
“I’m afraid.”	“I wasn’t afraid last week when talking to a new guy so I don’t have to be afraid now.”
“He is so amazing and too good for me.”	“He farts, burps, and itches himself like any other human.”
“He won’t like me.”	“I don’t care if he won’t like me because I’m the prize. He is the one losing.”
“I don’t have anything to talk about.”	“I have thousands of thoughts that can be used to start a conversation.”

Tweet this funny advice.

Can you see how easy and powerful it is to overcome the limits you place on yourself? Reframing is an amazing technique. It may take a minute or two to come up with a positive interpretation of the situation, but with practice you’ll become faster and better at it. It can be used in almost any situation to boost your confidence, improve your happiness, and help you succeed.

Now you have fought off your doubts and anxieties about having a conversation with the guy, you can approach him and start a conversation. I’ve found that once girls improve their inner game with the reframing technique, the second step of conversation naturally happens. They feel confident and able to talk about anything. Still, I will share effective techniques and conversation starters below. The reframing technique frees your mind to start conversations, but it is reassuring to have techniques you can rely on to start a conversation.

The Situational Starter – Start a Conversation Every Time

The better you get at adopting no-limit thinking, your confidence improves as does your ability to talk with people.

To use the situational starter technique, notice your surroundings. Preferably make it something the other person is aware of or would be aware of once you use it.

In the shopping scenario, the girl could talk about things like the hastiness of shoppers or the weather… Wait. I hear you say this technique sucks. Talking about the weather is the simplest and worst use of the situational technique. It is boring and too common. Both examples may be ineffective in the shopping situation, but they can work when delivered by powerful nonverbal communication.

Be creative with situational starters. Make better use of this technique with in-depth situational influences. These rely on your creativity and involve discussions on unusual things about the situation. Your conversations will be more fun.

The girl could ask the guy how to locate a specific store or item; she could ask him where he got his hat because she would like to buy one for her brother; given the guy looks about 20 years-old, she could ask him for his opinion on whether her 20 year-old guy friend would like an item she thinks this guy has an interest in. This last conversation starter is more of an opinion opener, another good technique to start conversations, yet it still involves reading the situation. Use the situational starter or an opinion opener with creativity, and you have all you need to start a conversation.

Get more conversation starters to use on guys you like and other people by reading “101 Conversation Starters“.

What to Talk About

You have worked through your inner-game issues and started the conversation. The toughest parts are done. The conversation gets easier with time, but you still need to keep the conversation going. Starting a conversation means nothing if it stops dead. I will list some techniques and tips to keep a conversation flowing nicely with a guy, but browse the conversation skills section for more great tips.

What should you talk about? One thing you must not talk about is a boring topic. Do not bore him to death. Talk about passions, interests, conspiracies, and relationships. It is pretty simple to avoid boredom by talking about topics that have emotion! Talk about topics each of you are emotionally involved in to create an emotional link the two of you will remember.

If you don’t know an interesting topic, let the person be the topic. Myself and other guys love to talk about themselves. It’s only natural to talk about yourself because it’s the easiest topic to talk about. You can harness and leverage this with the guy by asking good open-ended questions.

An open-ended question is a type of question that takes more than a few words to answer. Examples of open-ended questions include: “What do you think about…?” “What’s something interesting you got up to last week?” and “Why do you enjoy…?”

It’s only natural to talk about yourself because it’s the easiest topic to talk about.

In the shopping scenario, the girl can ask the guy for his advice on buying a basketball because he is wearing a basketball jersey. She starts the conversation by asking, “Excuse me. I’m after a basketball for my brother. I thought you’d know a bit about it and was wondering what advice you could give me?” The girl would listen attentively using positive body language and show other forms of interest in the guy’s answer. If he doesn’t know much about basketballs, it does not matter. She could then keep the conversation going by asking him, “What things are you interested in then?” What matters is she has broken the ice and started a conversation.

She can increase her chances of keeping the conversation going by asking for his advice on an item she thinks interests him. Again, this uses the opinion technique and is valuable to make someone talk to you. She can guess what he is interested in by looking at his clothes, his friends, what he is currently doing, or anything else that is noticeable. She can keep a conversation going by observing the guy, listening carefully, and being a good “detective” snooping around for information.

How to Keep a Conversation Going with Branches

You can keep a conversation going by building onto what I call “branches” that grow from a conversation. Branches are further discussions about the topic discussed or even another topic by listening carefully to what is talked about. There are literally thousands of branches to a statement like, “I enjoy shopping with my friends.” Branches from this could be shopping experiences, why you’re currently shopping, and things about friends.

The girl’s question of, “What things are you interested in then?” is one example of a branch. Another example of branching the girl could use is: “Thanks. You do know a lot about basketball. How did you get all this knowledge?” She can build a conversation about the item and branch out into related topics she thinks the guy is interested in depending on his energy when speaking on the topic.

What If You Stuff Up and He Doesn’t Like You?

If you make a mistake and stuff up the conversation with the guy you like, all is not lost! Relax and laugh a little. Awkwardness only becomes awkward when you draw attention to it and feel embarrassed.

Also use the reframing technique by saying things to yourself like, “I stuffed up and am now smarter for next time” or “I’m the prize.” Failure is another step towards your success of effortlessly starting and continuing conversations with other guys. With enough practice, you will achieve conversation mastery.

From this article you have improved your inner game, you know how to start a good conversation, and you know how to keep an exciting conversation going. You just need to put the techniques to use when you find yourself wanting to start a conversation with a guy you want to meet. Let me know how it goes for you!

Lastly, if you want to learn more about how you can become a confident, mature, attractive lady that naturally attracts men, there is one online resource I recommend you learn more about: Catch Him and Keep Him. Catch Him and Keep Him is an ebook by Christian Carter to help you become a better woman so you can find and keep Mr Right. Click here to learn more about it.