Similarly, we’ve all lied. Your nose doesn’t grow from lies. Lying is often considered acceptable – even sometimes expected practice to handle someone’s feelings. Thank goodness no one is Pinocchio.

Why do men and women lie? What can you do to stop yourself from lying? In this article you’ll be surprised at the real reason you’re lied to.

Black Truth of White Lies

Take “white lies” or “fibbing” as acceptable forms of lies. Here are examples of these deceptions:

• Lying to get out of trouble; such as why we were slightly late to work or a dentist appointment
• Lying to appear a certain way; such as fibbing about accomplishments on a first date or at a job interview
• Lying to avoid hurting feelings or conflict; like when a man is asked, “Do I look fat in this?”
• Lying to flatter someone
• Lying to garner attention; like exaggerating how sick you are or the dramatic events of a recent occurrence

To a large extent these lies are considered harmless white lies, and most of us tell them without blinking an eye. People often accept white lies because on a subconscious level they believe:

1. the lies really don’t hurt anyone and are of no consequence
2. the lie is told to protect feelings
3. the lies are only told on occasion

In fact, the Science Museum of London conducted a study on truthfulness amongst three thousand people, and discovered that:

…both sexes said there were such things as ‘acceptable’ lies; 75 percent said it was okay if it was done to spare someone’s feelings.

Though it’s necessary to take these studies with a grain of salt – this study is interesting because it indicates the level of pervasiveness and acceptance lying has in our everyday lives.

Lying: A Dangerous Habit

Telling a big whopper of a lie is not ideal. Problems can also occur when someone starts to white lie frequently – you could say they “abuse the system” by pulling out a white lie when necessary.

Lying, especially white lying, can be a dangerous habit because it’s easy to do. As a child when we gain conscience and reasoning, it’s one of the first things we notice – the ability to lie and get out of being in trouble. One day a parent places a lolly on a shelf and it disappears. You don’t have the courage to endure punishment so you lie about eating it.

In social situations, lying about your life can make it easier to get someone to like you. It’s also a way to avoid confrontation and hurting someone’s feelings. It’s simple to stop someone worrying when you lie about what happened or where you have been.

Lying… is a way to avoid confrontation and hurting someone’s feelings.

Cheating men and unfaithful women aren’t the only ones who lie to avoid punishment. It’s natural for humans to avoid trouble by taking the easy way out. (What’s natural isn’t always the best though.)

The famous psychologist and psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud believed humans are intrinsically driven to increase their pleasure and reduce their pain. The “Pleasure/Pain Principle” says we seek gratification through feelings of pleasure and steer away from pain. Often pain is quick to arrive as it takes our focus and steers us to a life of avoidance.

Pain-avoidance in lying means this process gets repeated. Eventually lying becomes habit, sticking in one’s life. This is why many people believe the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater”.

Why Do Men and Women Lie?

Do men and women lie for different reasons? A study by the psychologist Bella M. DePaulo at the University of Virginia, found somewhat differing reasons for lying between the sexes. The study found women tend to lie to make people feel better and spare their feelings. These findings are consistent with a woman’s tendency to feel responsible for people’s feelings.

According to psychologist Michael Lewis in his book Lying and Deception in Everyday life, men are more likely than women to use a lie to enhance themselves. Dr. Bella found men tend to lie in line with their male ego – whether it be to conceal something embarrassing to themselves and their ego, or to build their self-image. It was also discovered men often lie to avoid conflict.

Some common lies men tell are:

“Of course I like your friends!”
“Honey, you’re the best.”
“I can’t call you. I don’t even know where I’ll be.”
“That dress isn’t too tight. It looks great!”
“They’re downsizing at work. But don’t worry, they won’t get me.”
“Sure, I’ll mow the lawn – as soon as this short ache in my back goes away.”

Some common lies women tell:

“Yes I’m satisfied.”
“It was on sale so relax.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“You’re doing fine.”
“Stop worrying, he doesn’t hate you.”
“I don’t want anything for my birthday.”

Here’s some more lies in an cool pic Josh made that you can Pin:

The One Universal Reason Everyone Lies

Now that we’ve looked at lying and some of the common lies men and women tell – let’s go deeper to understand why men and women lie. No matter who we are or the situation, EVERYONE lies for one universal reason.

And that reason is: a lack of courage.

I challenge you to look back at any lie you’ve told, or any lies someone has told you. The one thing they have in common is the deceiving person does not have the courage to tell the truth.

Anyone lying to get out of work or to inflate the ego are scared of the repercussions of truth. You can probably see how a lack of courage applies to these types of lies.

What about lies with more noble intentions? Do they really indicate a lack of courage?

Yes. Yes, even if you are lying to spare someone’s feelings, and you think it’s a noble thing, at the end of the day you still lack the courage to deal with the consequences (such as the reaction of the person) of telling it like it is.

I am not advocating you must always tell the truth. I am pointing out the secret, subconscious reason for lying in the first place – a lack of courage to deal with telling the truth and receiving the consequences, be they good or bad.

Telling the truth takes courage. Telling the truth takes ongoing work. It’s easy to lie and natural to avoid pain. It takes effort to commit to telling the truth. It’s difficult to tell the truth about the harder things in life because we are out of practice!

Courage is like a muscle. It needs to be built over time. When you haven’t trained your truth muscles, they hurt to use in practice. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to tell the truth.

Note, I said it becomes easier to speak the truth the more you practice. The CONSEQUENCES of dealing with telling the truth don’t necessarily get easier!

When You Should Lie

Is it okay to deceive if the consequences of telling the truth suck? Is it ever okay to lie?

Before I can answer if it’s okay to lie – you need to be the person who does not use lying as a habit, as the easy way out, as a compulsion, or anything similar.

Many years ago while working in a detention centre with juvenile delinquents, I encountered enormous amounts of lies told by youth there. One pattern I discovered amongst them was the youth who were habitual liars became so accustomed to lying that they had no idea when they lied.

Even scarier than this, I discovered that the juveniles who habitually lied deluded themselves about the crimes they committed and the person they saw themselves to be. I had many a conversation with some offenders who lied point blank about their crimes, to the extent they deluded themselves into believing their own lies.

This is dangerous indeed. And it starts small.

Telling the truth takes courage.

Although it may seem ridiculous, you need an ongoing commitment to the truth! This commitment needs to be honored every day and in every situation. And with as much tact as possible. Just like our health, a commitment to being truthful and genuine needs to be cultivated, maintained, and built everyday.

If you don’t have a commitment to truth then you will find yourself lying or being compelled to deceive in the trickiest and most demanding situations.

So if you have a commitment to the truth and find yourself consciously telling the truth, even when it hurts and you get nervous – congratulations! You are now in the position to discern whether or not it is necessary to lie. There are times in life when a lie is needed and the truth is unnecessary.

If you lie having assessed the situation – and you lie knowing you could just as easily tell the truth – as you already have the courage, then this is when it’s okay to lie. Be careful and remember:

It takes a lifetime to build trust, and only an instant to destroy it.

To survive and thrive in any relationship you must know ways to manage people who prefer to overlook “negative feelings” then put a rosy-glow on everything – and even how to make yourself not be afraid of dealing with relationship warfare. Conflict is unavoidable even to those who avoid it because our differences in culture, values, needs, and perspectives will always cause collisions.

If you aim for conflict avoidance, it isn’t avoided or somehow solved. Problems escalate, resentment builds, and relationships die. What gets avoided is enjoyable relationships, the true depths of human beings, and reality. You must learn effective ways to resolve conflict when others prefer to pretend perfection.

Why We Fear Fights, Feuds, and Fall Outs

The primary reason we avoid conflict is it’s scary. Why? By definition conflict is opposition, incompatibility, struggle. Not very sexy.

Avoidance is just one way to deal with a scary situation. Conflict creates a stressful environment that invokes primal responses of freeze, fight, fright, and flight for survival. We freeze to go undetected, fight to kill, respond with fright to intensify awareness, and take flight to live another day. Most responses in these categories lead to destructive interactions.

Your past experiences with conflict are likely the most painful moments of your life. Maybe conflict made you divorce, break up with your partner, quit work. It may have lead to death because someone couldn’t handle a problem any longer. Is it any wonder people avoid conflict?

Conflict is often destructive, other times disruptive. Projects at work get delayed when disputes exist. A group momentarily stops enjoying a party when friends fight. A family shuts each other out for the remainder of the night after a disagreement over dinner.

The Surprising Importance of Conflict Resolution

Conflict is often destructive, other times disruptive.

The purpose of conflict resolution isn’t to avoid it. Conflict resolution aims to solve problems to met the needs and interests of each party to stop destruction, minimize disruption, and enhance the relationship. With this in mind, you can frame conflict in an inviting manner unlike the fear and frustration we normally associate with conflict.

“Conflict can be seen as a gift of energy,” said conflict resolution trainer and Aikido teacher Thomas Crum, “in which neither side loses and a new dance is created.” It can be a gift you love to receive. My friend and conflict mediator Gary Harper even has a great book titled The Joy of Conflict Resolution.

When you take the step of courage to resolve conflict, you enter a moment to understand another human at a deep level. Self-understanding occurs, creativity is stimulated, and relationships deepen in the face of conflict resolution.

Conflict rarely solves itself so you must be proactive about its resolution. I wish there were a way to totally avoid conflict and still get the benefits of resolution, yet there’s no such route. What you need are the following effective conflict management techniques that transform fear, fights, feuds, and fall outs into resolution when others (and sometimes yourself) avoid conflict:

1. Make it Known Problems Are Okay

Perfection shuts down workplace and family communication fast. In response, managers and parents want small talk tactics to open up communication, but that’s like trying to light up a dark sewer with a match stick.

A core part of my Big Talk Training Course helps you uncover what’s called the “shadow image” to truly open up group conversation. Once you know how to talk about the things people prefer to avoid, conversation effortlessly flows.

“Nice people” block out their dark side where the shadow image resides. They suffer with communication by not feeling anger, sadness, or fear. Resentment, frustration, and an inability to deal with conflict surfaces because they refuse to deal with what they block out. They literally avoid parts of themselves by avoiding conflict.

An effective technique to bring the shadow image into the light is to let others know mistakes, problems, disagreement, and expression are not “okay”, but needed. Mention differences, misunderstandings, and unmet needs will forever exist so it’s vital each of you talk about what you’re afraid to discuss. Tell them it’s normal to be in conflict, yet what’s rare is the healthy ability to face conflict.

You can say, “Problems, mistakes, and imperfections are good. We learn from them. They make us human. I need to know what you see and feel, otherwise what affects you is ignored. Will you help each of us with that?”

2. Encourage Open Communication

One way to encourage open communication is to make it known problems are okay. Other ways popular in the workplace, which can also be used with families and friends, are feedback channels.

A feedback channel I like is having a session each week or month where praise is shared and problems must be mentioned. Goals can be made where each coworker or family member must praise one thing and mention another subject that concerns him or her. Everyone is to share, listen, and avoid criticism to create a safe environment for expression.

Open communication is a good habit to practice. When an important issue rises, you are then prepared to face it.

3. Observe Body Language

An effective technique to encourage open communication and face conflict when someone avoids it is to observe people’s body language. Emotions show through attitude, behavior, or expression. All three are nonverbally communicated.

Even when a person avoids conflict, their emotions are visible through bodily expressions.

Nonverbal communication doesn’t just hint at what’s going on inside a person, it is what’s going on inside a person. Even when a person avoids conflict, their emotions are visible through bodily expressions. If a guy doesn’t say what he feels (“I am angry”), you’ll see the emotion in more potentially harmful ways of attitude and behavior like sarcasm, avoidance, gossip, and forms of addiction.

Comment on the specific body language signals you pick up on. If you just say, “You look frustrated. Is there something you want to tell me?”, the nice conflict avoider will reply, “No”. Be specific by saying, “When I said I need you to work overtime, you turned your head then rolled your eyes. It seems you were bothered by my request. That’s okay. Share with me what’s on your mind.”

4. Lighten the Moment

Life can get too serious. Lighten conflict when appropriate to get people facing their differences.

Humor is one-way to reduce tension. In fact, humor is often a release of tension. One company owner in a meeting observed the secretary verbally dominate the marketing director Jim over a tactic to acquire customers. The owner interrupted his secretary: “Okay. We could settle this in the boxing ring, but the board of directors will probably fire me for employee abuse… What do you think Jim, about the tactic to acquire customers?”

Another way to lighten conflict is with a tactic from the first chapter of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program: use padded words. The technique softens what can be harsh. Examples of padded words include: “I feel there’s a small issue to face…”, “It’s not much, but I’d like to…”, and “Maybe we can…”

Do not overuse padded words otherwise it blurs the issue causing your message to lose its intended meaning. Be aware that softening conflict can be a form of avoidance. Keep the conversation light if it gets intense yet be sure to address the issue.

5. Provide Positive Reinforcement

Conflict is avoided because of negative reinforcement. Attempts to change are met with defensive behavior resulting in learned hopelessness. Name-calling, ignorance of feelings, shouting, abusive tactics, and violence are punishment to unconsciously tell someone, “Avoid similar situations in the future otherwise suffer again.”

The way to solve this using Skinner’s behavioral theory is to provide positive reinforcement. Do what you can to consciously and unconsciously make someone want to address conflict. Often the intrinsic reward of solving a tough issue alone is enough motivation.

When someone takes the step into the scary unknown of open communication by confronting conflict, it’s important to reinforce the desired behavior with effective conflict management techniques. In the absence of these methods, you could end up making the conflict destructive and further reinforce the person’s patterns of avoidance.

You can also welcome different perspectives by asking for the person’s opinion. Listen then thank the person for expressing himself or herself. Everyone loves to feel listened to, understood, and appreciated.

Conflict avoidance doesn’t have to destroy your workplace, marriage, or family when you use the above five ways to deal with conflict. Just be sure to not avoid what I’ve given you.