“Getting rid of a delusion makes us wiser than getting hold of a truth.” – Karl Ludwig Borne (1786-1837)

“Myth is an attempt to narrate a whole human experience, of which the purpose is too deep, going too deep in the blood and soul, for mental explanation or description.” – David Herbert Lawrence (1885-1930), English writer who often criticized modern living’s negative influence on humans

“Few people have the imagination for reality.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), famous German writer

Lies, deception, misunderstandings, illusions, distortions, and deceit is easier to accept than the truth. We are creatures of denial. Ignorance has a cushioning effect to soften the harshness of reality.

While you may ignore the truth because it is uncomfortable to face, other times you accept myths over truth because you don’t know the difference. A relationship expert, counselor, psychologist, or even a communication trainer may have mislead you to believe a communication myth is truth. Whatever the case maybe, this article is sure to shake up your communication beliefs and shock you into reality, allowing you to communicate more effectively.

Originally I was struggling to complete 10 myths for this article, but after brainstorming, researching, observing people communicate, coaching people on their communication skills, asking tens of thousands of subscribers on communication myths, and picking out myths from my buried notes, 15 myths fitted surprisingly snug. I believe all these myths need to be revealed, cleared, and truth be told so we are better empowered to improve our personalities and relationships.

The greatest myths of communication are arranged in order depending on their frequency and strength in people’s minds. From lies, illusions, flawed teachings, and misunderstandings, it is time to debunk the top 15 all-time myths of communication:

#15 Myth: Logic makes communication effective

Logic destroys relationships. The next time you see two people in an argument, watch them focus on the logical level. Each person will give facts the other does not care about. The content and logical focus of a conversation has been the demise of many relationships.

When bland words and facts are focused upon, causing emotions to be overlooked, the relationship suffers. Intelligence, reasoning, and rationality are fine. Problems can arise when logic gets center of attention in a conversion – especially during conflict. The emotional content of conflict needs to be handled first before facts can surface.

Stop focusing on the content of conversations. Look beyond the words to see emotion. Start caring about people’s emotions beneath their content of a conversation because relationships are fueled by emotion.

Even in business communications you need to focus on emotion. We want others to understand how we feel instead of pointing out the facts or telling us how to feel. When you understand humans are creatures of emotion, and that we are predictably irrational, you enable yourself to have great charisma and persuasive power. (I recommend you read chapter 10 of my communication secrets program for full details on how to overcome this logical dilemma to communicate at an emotional level so you powerfully connect with people.)

#14 Myth: Effective communication is about the blunt truth

I know this myth will be interpreted by readers in a different way than how I intend it to be. A person who always tells the blunt truth is disliked by those who always get told the truth. Truth-tellers use the excuse of, “I tell it how it is” and “If people can’t deal with reality, it’s their problem.” They may even see their need to tell the truth as a virtue.

The truth we tell others often manifests itself into criticism that gets thrown back into our faces with defensiveness or arguments. Truth is hurtful when delivered in the absence of empathy. Productive communication is inhibited when people are too busy defending themselves from personal attacks.

I am not advocating you lie or give people enormous amounts of praise when they sucked at something or to live a deceptive life. Lies are unnecessary when you deliver the facts with compassion. You need compassion in a tell-it-like-it-is attitude.

Truth is not a virtue without compassion. “Our tendency is to choose up sides, valuing certain emotional skills while neglecting and even disparaging others,” write Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz in The Power of Full Engagement. “Take a moment to consider how broad a range of emotional muscles you have in your own life. In all likelihood you will discover that you have considerable more strength on one side of the spectrum than on the other. Notice, too, the judgment that you bring to the relative merits of opposing qualities.”

Loehr and Schwartz go on to write that “no emotional capacity better serves depth and richness more than the willingness to value feelings that seem contradictory and not to choose up sides between them.” Have you been limiting your array of emotional skills by valuing the blunt truth over compassion?

#13 Myth: Communication solves everything

As someone who teaches communication skills, this myth is something I would like to believe! Unfortunately, communication does not solve all conflict and relationship problems. Sometimes the greatest charismatically persuasive communication cannot solve relationship issues.

Marina Benjamen, Ph.D. of Psych Central sees a frequent scenario in couples counseling. Couples have no “serious problem”. Both partners can vouch for no drinking, abuse, or infidelity. The problem? They do not communicate. A lack of communication can happen for many reasons, but by itself it rarely leads to relationship resolutions. “Good communication exposes conflict that when effectively dealt with,” says Benjamen, “can promote a more open and intimate connection.”

I have come to notice a transition point in people who adopt this myth of communication solving everything. The general public are vaguely advised that “communication is important in relationships”. Few people like yourself who go one step further by learning conflict management, emotional mastery, and self awareness, for example, come to realize how communication is greatly beneficial. The more we learn and develop ourselves, the more emphasis we place on communication. Eventually, we come to believe that any argument, relationship break up, or person who does not like us comes from poor communication.

Think of a worldly issue, like abortion or the death penalty, that you have a strong stance on. Do you think someone with opposing views who communicates well would change your mind? If you really believe in your stance on the issue, then communication is not going to change your mind. You and I have religious, political, and personal values that prevent communication solving everything.

Communication is the relationship, a shared connection between two points. Communication forms the bridge in a relationship so it makes sense to assume the problems coming and going must exist on the bridge. If either side has a serious enough foundational problem, however, the strongest bridge is not going to last.

People ask, “What things can I say and do to make people like me?” This is the wrong type of thinking! Most effective communication is doomed before you even open your mouth. Becoming charismatic and persuasive starts from within you. Changing people’s behavior starts from within you. And having intimate, sharing, and loving relationships starts within you. Change your life by changing your thinking. Good relationships happen with self development; not only through good communication.

I steer my focus away from telling people to say rehashed lines in certain situations because no magical line can effectively work when you are incongruent with your words. You can say one brilliant communication line, but how you feel and think is a greater influence on the outcome. My Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program is not about rehashed lines. It gets you deeply understanding yourself and other people so you can begin communicating more intimately, powerfully, persuasively, and charismatically.

#12 Myth: Learning communication makes you a better communicator

We are at a global health crisis. Doctors have repeatedly said that the large percentage of health problems in Western countries comes from choices controllable by those who suffer such health ailments. We are in control of drinking, eating, smoking, stressing, and exercising. The global health crisis is not occurring because we have failed to learn the implications of the evil five of health – we all know what happens when ignoring these – but the problem comes from our inability to change. (This is further proof that logic is weak.)

Learning about a health problem does not automatically make you healthier. We all know how to lose weight: you consume less energy than you put out. But the majority of us have health problems within our control, which we logically understand, yet continue to ignore.

Learning communication only makes you a better communicator when the lessons lead to behavioral change. Even failing at a new skill makes you a better communicator because you went out and did something. Stop trying to intellectualize everything and just give it a go. You will become a better communicator when you do it. (I recommend you read Alan Deutschman’s Change or Die for more information about this topic.)

#11 Myth: Communication is one-way

Radios, televisions, and many electrical devices in the home communicate one-way messages. It seems our relationships are often the same. At times it appears we communicate in a monologue. There is still two-way communication – just poor two-way communication – because we cannot not communicate.

Communication in human relationships is two-way. Even one-way communication like public speaking is two-way. We have eyes and ears that absorb people’s communication as listening or a lack of listening communicates a message. You can listen and not say a word to communicate. Whether you choose to do something with this gathered information to improve your relationships, increase your charisma, or boost your persuasion is up to you. It is up to you if you choose to empathize, laugh at, pay attention to, or ignore another person’s communication, yet two-way communication will always exist. Several other myths, as you will soon discover, nicely tie into this myth.

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Mel Helitzer is a professor at the Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. Though a humorous professor seems to be an oxymoron, he has been described as the “funniest professor in the country” by Rolling Stone magazine. After reading this great book, I can see why because I found myself laughing on many occasions. The material he teaches works!

I purchased this book because I had heard great things about it and I wanted to be able to teach others how they can be more humorous in conversations. The book’s title doesn’t do it justice as it isn’t just good for writing funny. It’s also a good door stop. (Okay, I’ll have to work on my understatements in humor.) It is a great book to become a funnier person. If you’d like to be able to write a few funny jokes for your speeches, have funny conversations, cheer up your spouse, or make your team at work laugh, then you’re bound to find this book a great read.

Some people will be skeptical of this book and any book that teaches people to be funny. These people say things like, “You can’t teach people to be funny” and “You’re either naturally funny or not”. If humor can’t be learned, it would be impossible for comedians to improve their acts as they wouldn’t be able to become funnier. Humor is a communication skill that can be learned like any other. It is also valuable like any other.

Comedy Writing Secrets starts off by addressing these issues people have with comedy and humor in the first section plus a few other issues commonly related to humor, like uncovering why we laugh. The reader is given many techniques in the second section to be funny like understatements, exaggerations, play on words, paired elements, triples, and realism to name a few. The third and last section deals with creating humor for specific situations like speeches, cartoons, cards, salesperson, radio, television, newspaper columns, sitcoms, and stand-up comedy. People not interested in comedy writing can skip the third section of the book. The meat and potatoes of learning how to be funny is in the powerful second section.

It is said to be the number one book on learning to write funny so it is a quality book that primarily deals with content. There a few tips on how to deliver humor, such as not giving away the surprise part of your joke away with your body language and using silence to build tension, but the book is mostly about constructing the right words to be funny.

The book is filled with hundreds and hundreds of classic examples from comedians like Woody Allen, Bill Cosby, and Chris Rock, plus many lesser known persons. The examples are well fitted with techniques described by the author so you’re sure to clearly understand why humor works while getting plenty of laughs.

The power behind this book is in the exercises you do at the end of each chapter. The exercises provide a step-by-step guide to write funny jokes. If you do the given exercises, which can take anywhere from 1 to 30 minutes per exercise, I can nearly guarantee you will be developing your own original jokes. Keep in mind that the book isn’t just about developing jokes, but learning how to construct humor so you become more natural at it. Once you do the exercises, you’ll find yourself naturally using the techniques in conversations.

For your laughter, or lack of it, here’s one I made myself in an exercise from an early chapter:

My wife always complains about the two of us not having luxurious meals. We sit down at the dinner table and she’ll nag me about wanting to have a nice meal in a restaurant. One angry night she told me, “Come on! Take me out!” I finally had enough of her nagging so I agreed and took her out… with a shotgun.

It ain’t the best joke, but like all humor, some people will find it hilarious while others will think it’s stupid. I never made up a joke before and can’t even remember more than 10 jokes. If I could do it with the step-by-step exercises, so can you.

Overall, I was impressed by the book. This is my first book I’ve read on becoming funny as I’ve always naturally been a funny person (humor must be the only communication skill I’m naturally good at!), but now I understand why things are funny and how to be funnier. It is a great book that I recommend you get if you’d like to have a laugh, feel good, and become a funnier person. You can grab your copy of Comedy Writing Secrets from Amazon by clicking here today.

(If you want to be funnier around friends and in general conversations with people, get my Big Talk program then once you download the course, you’ll have a rare one-time opportunity unavailable anywhere else to download a report that’ll show you how to make people laugh without telling jokes or being a clown.)

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1. Review of The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking by Dale Carnegie
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5. Review of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie’s name is synonymous with How to Win Friends and Influence People. Though The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking is not as popular Carnegie’s all-time classic, possibly because of its narrow market in public speaking skills, I believe it lives up to the author’s name. (If you haven’t read Dale Carnegie’s all-time classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, with over 16 million sales you’re missing out.)

Originally called Public Speaking and Influencing Men in Business in 1931, Dale’s wife, Dorothy Carnegie, revised the book, and renamed it The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking in 1962 with Dale’s notes and suggestions before he passed away. With many improvements made possible from the couple’s speaking experiences and the Dale Carnegie Organization, this book is a great primer in effective public speaking.

Dale Carnegie taught public speaking for 40 years and has transformed public speaking into a skill anyone can develop. He has seen what works, what doesn’t work, and what works brilliantly. He has helped thousands of people overcome their fears of public speaking to present exciting speeches that hook the audience’s attention.

The book has 5 parts with 14 chapters. It begins with the basics of public speaking. You learn how to choose a topic, express yourself with excitement, and improve your speaking skills. Other bits of advice to improve your speaking skills include how to let others know your thoughts, cut-down the number of points in your speech, and sincerely appreciate your audience.

The most repeated point in the book is to choose a topic that interests you and get excited about it. Convince yourself that what you have is worth sharing and you will convince the crowd to listen attentively to you. Choosing a topic that excites you will make you talk with interest, vocal variety, and good body language because 93% of our communication comes from nonverbal communication when we discuss our likes or dislikes.

This book has the same style of writing as How to Win Friends and Influence People. Many stories are delivered in an easy-to-read language along with the practical simplicity of the advice. While it takes time to develop public speaking skills, the advice given is the easy way to effective speaking because it leverages our natural abilities and knowledge.

A brief review of the table of contents is below for your convenience:

I have left out in-depth detail of parts two, three, four, and five because there are too many points to list here. (I guess you’ll just have to read it yourself!) A full summary of each part is found conveniently at its end for quick reference so you can revise and easily memorize what you have read.

In my opinion, the advice offered on how to give an impromptu speech (a speech where you’re given a topic on the spot) is the best part about the book. I have always struggled to think quickly on my feet by speaking smoothly on a topic I was just given, but the advice Carnegie shares is helping me solve the problem. I am quickly improving, becoming more confident, and talking longer – and these improvements will continue because you learn how to continually improve your speaking skills.

I highly recommend you get this book to improve not just your public speaking skills, but to also improve your conversational skills, remove self-consciousness, and boost confidence. Effective public speaking can give you these benefits. If you haven’t already grabbed your copy of Dale Carnegie’s The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking, you can get yours from Amazon by clicking here.

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Why is it that urban legends, conspiracy theories, and public health scares can reach the other side of the world; while most businesses, teachers, and public speakers cannot get their ideas to reach a person two feet in front of them? The answer lies in Made to Stick.

Everyday we get pounded with information from people. Most of it slips straight off us like food sliding off Teflon. “What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients,” said Herbert Simon, winner of the 1978 Nobel Prize in Economics. “Hence, a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it.”

Chip Heath and Dan Heath’s Made to Stick shows you how to grab people’s attention in an information rich economy, get your ideas through, and make the message stick with a simple formula. The two authors use their first of six principles, “Simplicity”, in their stickiness formula by making their six principles form an acronym SUCCESs:

1. Simplicity
2. Unexpectedness
3. Concreteness
4. Credibility
5. Emotions
6. Stories

Reading a book about sticky ideas makes you hope the authors’ make their own principles sticky – and the Heaths do so using what they teach. Each principle contains many real-life, and not so real, examples of ideas stuck in people’s minds. The stories used are entertaining, most notably is the urban legend of Kidney thieves.

While Chip Heath is a Professor of Organizational Behavior in the Graduate School of Business at Stanford University and Dan Heath has conducted research for Harvard Business School, they don’t throw technical information at you – that would break their principles. Their book embodies many entertaining and practical stories. They also provide the reader with several exercises, and allow you to compare your answers with their answers, to practice the principles.

Teachers, public speakers, marketers, authors – anyone interested in improving their business communication – needs to read Made to Stick. The book’s ideas focus around the Curse of Knowledge, a principle that explains why experts fail to make their ideas stick in students’ minds. Business managers fall into the trap of thinking they have successfully presented their proposal, or convinced people to buy into their idea, when they finish a PowerPoint presentation. “What they’ve done is share data”, says the authors. Expressing your thoughts is one thing; it is an another thing to convince people and remember your words.

I purchased the book to help me better communicate the communication skills I teach in books and articles, but I found how important it is to use as much of the SUCCESs formula in your everyday conversations. Over the past few weeks, I’ve come to realize how most charismatic and persuasive persons naturally use the SUCCESs formula.

If you want you, and your ideas, to be remembered in conversations and presentations, then the New York Times Best Seller Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die is the book you need. Grab your copy now from Amazon by clicking here.

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1. Review of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
2. Review of The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking by Dale Carnegie
3. Review of Influence by Robert Cialdini
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5. Review of Magic Bullets by Savoy