Principles do not change. Water is two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom – this will not change. The North poles of two magnets repel – this will not change. Gravity rips you down to Earth – this will not change. The unchanging laws of science are parallel to the unchanging principles and laws of communication to deal with difficult people.

If you have a difficult person in your life, you may think he or she is impossible to deal with, yet the person is not an impenetrable rock. It’s human! And humans follow laws of psychology and behavior you can benefit from. This article will provide you with judo-like principles to convert seemingly impossible forces of a difficult person into tips to effectively deal with them.

The world is filled with stubborn people. The difficult and not so difficult people even think you can be difficult. Learn the following tips (taken from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program) to deal with difficult people in your everyday life:

4 Common Methods that Do Not Work

Sending solutions. Common phrases that indicate solving include: “What if you…” “Stop doing… and start…” and “Why don’t you…” Telling people what to do does not work. Solutions are the problem. The more you push solutions on people, the more they pull away from you and your suggestion. Real solutions, commitment, and desire for change come from participation.

Moralizing. Common phrases that indicate moralizing include: “You should….” “It would be good for you to…” and “Stop doing wrong…” Chapter eight of my program defines moralizing words as “using what is right and wrong, good and bad, black and white to further your logic.” Manipulation from guilt and other emotions that arise from moral words do not change difficult people yet alone anyone.

Complaints. “I wish Bill wasn’t so damn annoying.” Bickering is mental masturbation. Creation comes from being proactive. If you complain, you’re the difficult person. You become no better than the person you try to change.

Criticism. People criticize to build change. “I’m results-focused. I criticize people to get things done.” Similar lines of thinking drive the 12 communication barriers (criticism, labeling, diagnosing, praise, orders, threats, questions, moralizing, advice, reason, reassurance, and deflecting). Avoid criticism because it is not charismatic persuasion. Criticism intensifies conflict. Criticized individuals feel diminished, unworthy, and less important.

10 Principles and Tips to Deal with a Difficult Person

The following principles and tips are not short-term tricks to transform an annoying person. Endless articles shared on the Internet provide frivolous advice on this topic. When the core problem is addressed, however, colds get skipped and the cancer is cut out. Advice shared here gets to the core of what really matters when dealing with a difficult person.

1. You see the world as you are. Stephanie Rosenbloom for The New York Times hit the heart of difficult people; or rather the people who think someone is difficult. Rosenbloom says the issue “is not the difficult people themselves. It is you.”

Problems transmute from your perception, then your reaction.

Most articles that provide tips to deal with difficult people focus on difficult individuals (“They’re the problem”); hence they miss the real problem (“You’re part of the problem”). You play a role in a difficult person’s behavior. Problems transmute from your perception, then your reaction. Carl Jung said we repress our hated characteristics, which manifest in discomfort around people we repulse. Jungian psychoanalyst Edward Whitmont writes:

Ask someone to give a description of the personality type which he finds most despicable, most unbearable and hateful, and most impossible to get along with, and he will produce a description of his own repressed characteristics – a self-description which is utterly unconscious and which therefore always and everywhere tortures him as he receives its effect from the other person. These very qualities are so unacceptable to him precisely because they represent his own repressed side; only that which he cannot accept without ourselves do we find impossible to live with in others.

What characteristics in people do you hate most? What do these characteristics say about you? Who does not find the person difficult? What can you learn from the person who does not find the person hard to face?

A chronically difficult person is rare. Your self-image makes people difficult. I strongly encourage you to notice as often as possible what you deny in yourself because this could be a repressed image, a shadow you see in others, that you have ignored in the past. “In the end,” says Rosenbloom, “the specialists say, we cannot control other people, only our response to them.” (The first chapter of my Big Talk training course taps into this deep, dark psychological theory that stops us from enjoyable conversation. When you connect with your full self, it becomes easy to connect with people and make friends. This is cutting-edge material you can discover more about here.)

2. Lose the need to be right. When you enter a conversation with the intent to fix someone, you become difficult. Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says you must open yourself to be influenced to influence. Quit thinking you are right because this drives your resistance to be changed and change people.

3. Clear your heart, open your mind. Too often our experiences with people hurt our current conversations with them. It takes time for someone in your negative light to shift under a positive spotlight even when the person hasn’t been difficult for a while.

Forgive to clean your heart then keep an open mind as to why someone is difficult. Stop hopping to conclusions by portraying the problem as the person’s difficulty. You blockade truth with judgments and fear of self-analysis.

Perhaps you are the problem, their father was diagnosed with cancer, or they are in financial trouble. Acknowledge that you do not – and will never – know all reasons why someone is difficult. An open mind that welcomes a person’s point of view to enter possible explanations for their behavior creates a cushion to soften harsh judgments.

Listen to the difficult person and let them express their point of view. It will help you see why they are difficult. This tip alone can be enough to deal with the person as you see the reason for their behavior. Listen honestly and actively with empathy.

4. Want difficult people. It’s scary, but wanting a bothersome person helps you. Difficult people create conflict – and this creates change. An organism with no challenge has no reason to evolve. Difficulties challenge you, compelling you to evolve into a superior being.

Does this mean you can be difficult? No. There is people who find you difficult enough. The diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through difficulties.

5. Be proactive, not reactive. Reactive persons blame circumstances for their reality. They reciprocate bad behavior. They reason other people need to change.

The diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through difficulties.

Proactive persons create what they want regardless of constricting circumstances. Create a value in yourself to be proactive and treat people with respect. Once you stop reciprocating bad behavior, you feel proud, empowered, and in control of your life regardless of whether you successfully handle the situation. Make the fundamental decision to commit to the advice given in this article.

6. Be responsible, not a victim. Don’t blame people for how they make you feel. The degree you’re a victim of someone’s behavior controls the impact it has on you.

Take responsibility for how you feel. Prevent people from entering and exiting your emotional state at will. Eliminate blame to free yourself from a person’s difficult behavior.

You don’t have to be burdened by people’s problems. You will work towards a solution faster and be less emotionally exasperated when you lose the victim mentality and stop thinking people are villains. My friend Gary Harper has a good article on this where he also discusses similar principles to this article.

7. Be problem-oriented, not person-oriented. Difficult people have a difficult problem and are trying to fulfill a need the only way they know possible. It seems elusive, but even they want to live in harmony.

People are not the problem. Focus on the problem and not the person. A helpful tip for this is to disassociate the problem from the person. Their behavior, even you, or something else is the problem.

8. Find the unmet need. Difficult people have an unmet need. Whether somebody is angry, unhappy, depressed, loud, or anxious, they try to fulfill a need – though it is often done poorly. Notice a hidden need beneath someone’s difficult behavior, and you will see another human being. This will allow you to compassionately communicate. The Nonviolent Communication Process is a model that gets you focused on, and fulfilling, other people’s needs and your own.

9. Be interdependent. Dependency is unhealthy. To overcome this, self-help experts teach independence. According to most people, independence is health, freedom, and power. By itself, nothing could be further from the truth.

According to Robert Greene, author of 48 Laws of Power, a powerful individual living in isolation destroys his power. John O’Neil in The Paradox of Success confirms Greene’s remarks. O’Neil says leaders and other individuals in powerful positions destroy their success and happiness with overt independence. Such persons do it all, have chronic obsessions with work and difficulties getting their mind off work, and easily become irritated by others who disagree with their decision-making.

A powerful communicator knows how to distribute decision-making for freedom. He or she knows how to seek help because the person is not afraid to admit failure and learn. This is the interdependent standpoint you need beyond solitude. “When we try to pick out anything by itself,” said famed conservationist John Muir, “we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.”

Use other people to help solves problems. It sounds simple because it is. Talk to a parent, manager, or human resource department. People bring knowledge, skills, and persuasive power to handle a difficult person. Be beware of risks associated with making a private problem public. It’s your responsibility to respect a person’s privacy concerns and at the same time request another’s help when necessary.

10. Be detached from an outcome.

If the above tips and principles fail you, it’s not because they don’t work – it’s because you disobeyed them. The principles and tips given to you cannot fail because they are the foundations for good communication.

When you attach to an outcome, your rigidity causes resistance.

If you lose the need to be right while remaining proactive, for example, you deal with the difficult person. Stop thinking the only way to deal with a difficult person is to change them, such desire only makes you difficult.

When you attach to an outcome by seeking a specific result from an interaction at all costs, your rigidity causes resistance. The most common outcome people attach to when they converse with a difficult person is their need to be right and change the person (principle #2). Going into a conversation with the righteous intent to change a person guarantees failure. You must detach from an outcome.

If the principles and tips do not bring you the result you’re after, prepare to walk away. Give the people involved space to think the problems through. By doing this, you clear your heart and open your mind, remain proactive, and keep problem-oriented. A tough issue can be solved at a later time. Another day can bring different possibilities. Emotions, thoughts, and attitudes change.

Unsuccessful conflict resolution with a difficult person can escalate the problem, but adhere to these principles and tips to deal with a difficult person to make the difficult more manageable. “Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen,” said Friedrich Nietzsche, “few in pursuit of the goal.”

(If you are reading this and found the above principles and tips to deal with difficult people helpful, you will enjoy my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” where the principles for this article were extracted. Click here to learn more about the program and how you can develop your communication skills to charismatically have cold-hearted persons wanting to change. Also discover more about Big Talk, my training course that lets two persons openly and freely talk with one another, by clicking here.)

Greene takes you back centuries when Marie Antoinette become the French Queen and was later decapitated, and Machiavelli charmed the court to his way of thinking. From nationwide victories to intimate seductions and lies of alchemy, Greene has written a masterpiece that deduces 48 laws of power from past powerful individuals and the not so powerful.

Greene is author of three savvy books covering seduction, war, and power. His interest in topics others overlook because they appear greedy, manipulative, and condescending have caused people to frown upon his work. On the “opposite side” of his reviewers are people greatly thankful for his teachings on the power, manipulation, and the seduction games that take place regardless of one’s liking towards the topics.

The 48 Laws of Power is divided into 48 chapters. It starts off with a fascinating discussion in the preface on the arguments many people have against power. The author says many people think power is immoral or unfairly differentiates people. It would be unfair for all people to have equal power because each of us are unique and have different skill sets. People who unconsciously use moralistic arguments against power, openness, and attempts to be fair, actually further their own power or bring someone else’s power down. Robert Greene goes on to say:

To some people the notion of consciously playing power games – no matter how indirect – seems evil, asocial, a relic of the past. They believe they can opt out of the game by behaving in ways that have nothing to do with power. You must beware of such people… they are often among the most adept players at power.

Power games are inevitable. I won’t say that all 48 laws are useful in all your relationships because power isn’t everything, but many underestimate the importance of power in everyday living. From personal relationships to dealing with customers, more power benefits you – and when you use it correctly, it benefits the relationship. Thinking otherwise uses the same moralistic arguments Greene discusses in the preface. Even so, some laws of power seemed harsh to me, but this is the reality of power and I accept it. Power isn’t meant to be pretty. We are talking about power; not a book about fairies.

Whether you want to learn how to charm people or to achieve your goals, there is so much to learn from the history in The 48 Laws of Power. The historical research within the book is phenomenal. The author and his team of researchers have dug through many books on history to provide hundreds of stories about users of the laws of power. The reader is given insights into powerful historical greats like Sun Tzu, con artist Joseph “Yellow Kid” Weil, and seducer Casanova.

With the large number of references to Niccolo Machiavelli and Baltasar Gracian, I assume these were Robert Greene’s primary figures of authority from which he developed most of his principles. Even if you have little interest in history, like myself, you will still find the stories interesting. The stories in each chapter show how the discussed law of power was used to increase power and when it was disobeyed to decrease power. An “interpretation” section is provided after each observance and transgression of the law to help you understand the interpersonal dynamics and power games played by those in the story. The author’s interpretation of the story provides a great way of understanding the keys to power and adapting the principles to your everyday life.

The historical research within the book is phenomenal.

At the chapter’s end, I found the images Greene paints with a vivid statement to be influential. Here’s one example of an image used for law 20 (Do not commit to anyone): “A Thicket of Shrubs. In the forest, one shrub latches on to another, entangling its neighbor with its thorns, the thicket slowly extending its impenetrable domain. Only what keeps its distance and stand apart can grow and rise above the thicket.”

Initially it may appear some rules contradict each other such as law 15 (Crush your enemy totally) and law 47 (Do not go past the mark you aimed for; in victory, learn when to stop) as well as law 16 (Use absence to increase respect and honor) and law 18 (Do not build fortresses to protect yourself – isolation is dangerous), but they are not contradictory. Discussing the latter, absence and maintaining a connection with people have their own uses in specific circumstances. Be flexible and use common sense to determine each law’s application. Each law has a context for its application.

Most of the pages within the book have fables, quotes, and small interesting stories that “distill three thousand years of the history of power.” Anecdotes line one side of the pages to nicely complement the chapter’s discussion. At a large 450 pages, the book mimics a textbook. You can expect to discover many great techniques to increase your power, stop yourself from being manipulated by others, and get what you want. Securely grab your copy now from Amazon by clicking here today.

What better way to improve your voice quality than to listen to a speech expert teach the skills she learned for several decades. Carol Fleming has a doctorate in communication disorders from Northwestern University. She has ran her private speech communication consultancy since 1968 in the San Francisco Bay Area. Fleming has made her vocal techniques, gathered over years of learning and teaching, available in her entertaining audio program.

You can buy books to improve your voice, such as Renee Grant-Williams’ Voice Power, but until you hear a good voice and become capable of breaking it into specific reasons why it’s good, you’ll hope your voice is good. It is vital to know a good voice when you hear one and understand the qualities of a good voice then transfer this understanding into your voice through practical exercises – all steps covered in The Sound of Your Voice.

The program isn’t a boring dictation of a book. It is an entertaining, well-produced, free-flowing program. Fleming is the primary speaker accompanied by Wesley, a Brit with a soothing accent. I’m not particularly fond of British accents, having an Australian one myself “mate”, yet it is enjoyable to hear the two talk about speaking. The program is not two people conversing about talking – it is a great program that contains real-life examples, entertaining sounds, and many speakers with diverse voice qualities that Fleming dissects. It is a lively program.

It is an entertaining, well-produced, free-flowing program.

You won’t be caught in technicalities when doing the program. It is a simple and effective program taught by Fleming who knows how to breakdown vocal complexities into layman’s term after her decades of experience teaching vocalics. The program will show you:

• How to add vocal vitality to your voice so you are not boring. Men especially struggle to remove their monotone voice and speak with vitality.
• How to speak in a powerful, mature manner. While men struggle with a monotone voice, women sometimes struggle to convey power in their voice.
• How to eliminate or change your accent. (There are examples of students in the program who remove their accents by making simple adjustments.)
• Breathing exercises to support your voice.
• How to remove annoying content from your speech like filler words and superlatives.
• How to speak clearly and smoothly articulate each word.
• What to do to get your voice ready for speaking.
• And plenty more.

The vocal exercises in the program took my voice to the next level. I have always struggled to understand resonance and getting my voice to vibrate clearly from the front of mouth for better articulation, and a simple exercise helped me do just that.

Carol Fleming’s The Sound of Your Voice is the way to improve your voice. It is the best voice program I’ve come across. You can grab your copy from Amazon by clicking here today.

UPDATE: A year after this review, I was fortunate to have Carol Fleming write an article for you about improving your voice. Read “5 Steps to Develop a Charming Voice”.

How do some good communicators effortlessly grab people’s attention and make them listen to each word? These attention-grabbers have mastered their voice – and now you can do the same. If your voice isn’t what you want it to be, Renee Grant-Williams in Voice Power will show you how you can develop a charming and sexy voice by make it resonate with powerful clarity.

Having worked with celebrities and singers such as Garth Brooks, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, and The Dixie Chicks, Grant-Williams has established herself as an authority on improving the human voice. You don’t need to be a singer or even a public speaker to improve your voice. A better voice will help you with every spoken word. Whether you’re disciplining children, motivating employees, seducing a partner, or teaching a workshop, a better voice helps get your point across and make it stick.

Voice Power isn’t about getting you to speak loudly. In fact, volume was mentioned rarely in the book. It is about creating the support and resonance for a commanding voice with little effort.

It creates the support and resonance for a commanding voice with little effort.

The basis for the book is good breathing. When we were babies, we naturally breathed well. We lost good breathing habits when we were taught to puff-out our chest and hold our heads high – two techniques that tense vocal muscles. The breathing techniques will have you relax, balance yourself, reduce stress, minimize muscular tension, and improve your voice.

Grant-Williams advises the use of powerful consonants where you elongate sentence-important consonants – another powerful piece of advice that counters common knowledge of elongating vowels. Saying “Ssstop it nnnow” is more powerful than “Stooop it nooow”. Watch the video below of Renee explaining consonant-elongation to a group of singers:

I think you’ll find many insightful lessons about vocal quality with the author’s simple and effective teachings that reveal a lot of vocal myths.

Other central techniques in the book include silence, rhythm, and volume. Grant-Williams describes a musical beat to speaking that is valuable especially for when you prepare a speech. Elvis Presley’s singing technique, posture, and body positioning is used to demonstrate and breakdown a beautiful sounding voice.

The last section in the book deals with voice care. A few tips include getting enough water, eating well, exercising, and using a humidifier to keep the air moist. You also learn common problems with unhealthy voices such as reflux and nodes to ensure you avoid a health ailment that limits your vocals.

It is a great book to power up your voice and have it sound richer. I found myself pulling many pieces of advice and techniques from it. Make your voice count because it has power in making a good impression on others. Transform your voice into an asset that shows you are a confident and powerful person by getting a copy of Voice Power today from Amazon by clicking here.

To begin the course, what is your reaction to learning about apologizing and forgiveness? Take a few seconds to think about it.

You probably feel neutral and unexcited learning about apologizing and forgiveness like most people. You assume a shallow understanding of a powerfully deep topic. A closed mind literally steals your ability to grasp new information to change your life.

Why do people avoid learning about apologizing when it has tremendous benefits? People think like this for three reasons:

1. They think they know how to apologize. Just like the many people who have yet to start learning effective communication skills, so are these people with apologizing. They think they have the necessary skills, but in reality their thoughts blind themselves from opportunities to improve their lives and relationships. When you say you know what is right, you use the number one technique to destroy learning: ignorance. You close your mind because it is too full to accommodate further information.
2. They think it is irrelevant. These people think apologizing is not worth it and a waste of time to learn.
3. They are too lazy. These people cannot be bothered to learn. Hopefully, you don’t fit in this category. But if you do, there is nothing I can do about it. It is your choice and your life. Don’t blame other people for the events in your life because of your decision to avoid responsibility for who you become.

These excuses to avoid emotional healing are sadly limiting because we always make mistakes. Mistake after mistake. It doesn’t stop. I’m not only talking about physical accidents, but mistakes we make with our relationships. We say things that hurt others. We can be ignorant in loving our family. We can be emotionally blind to those in need.

You Have Two Decisions Make

Take a momentary leap of faith to expand your awareness and grasp the powers of apologizing and forgiveness to free yourself from mistakes and pain. Accept a level of awareness and openness to change. Having done this, you have two decisions to make in dealing with your mistakes.

A successful apology is a radical movement from pain to empowerment.

First, you need reduction. You will never eliminate mistakes, but you can reduce the number by learning more about yourself and developing your communication like you’re doing with my newsletter, social skills blog, and this course. Characters in Soap Operas are the worst role models to follow to improve your communication because the characters continue to screw up, fight, make up, and repeat the process (it is drama after all). Communicate more effectively to avoid relationship blunders that create emotional pain.

Second, you need to cope. You will always make mistakes that hurt people. Learn to live with your mistakes as they will always exist. Coping can be ignorance or passive acceptance, but for our purpose it is learning to better manage ourselves with inevitable events.

This course focuses on the coping component of emotional healing because the first decision of reduction is an ongoing process achieved through continual learning. A successful apology is not just saying “sorry” – it is a radical movement from pain to empowerment.

What Happens When You Fail to Apologize

A large barrier faces each of us in emotional healing: the difficulty of an apology. We get ensnared in thoughts about ourselves by holding onto pride. We can be selfish and not willing to admit our most obvious mistakes. Pride eats away at us as we argue or, at the other end of the continuum, ignore the mistake to defend even an obvious wrongdoing. Pride ensnares us in its cage of lies as we defend our self-centered minds, ignoring guilt that would restore harmony.

I have been there. I had too much pride and selfishness to apologize to a loved one I hurt. When I did want to apologize, I couldn’t bring myself to face the person. The result was a hurt relationship and less happiness for me because I ignored the guilt that could have helped me apologize, seek forgiveness, and get emotional restoration.

Pride ensnares us in its cage of lies as we defend our self-centered minds.

In shifting the focus on apologizing away from you, what does avoiding an apology do to other people? They feel hurt that you are unwilling to communicate your mistake. They lose trust in you as you hide behind your mistake. They become angry towards you, wondering why you will not tell them the truth. They may begin to counter your lack of apologies by not apologizing themselves as the relationship goes downhill with the two of you caught in a power struggle.

Communicate your mistakes. Show your guilt. Tell the person how bad you feel. A mistake you make is like a scratch on the skin. By not apologizing you deepen the wound and rub salt into it. Stop hurting the other person and yourself, and learn to apologize. There is real power in apologizing and emotional healing.

9 Powerful Benefits in Apologizing

If you feel you have little reason to start apologizing already, here are more reasons and the amazing power of apologizing:

1. The healing process begins when you apologize. This is the most powerful benefit of apologizing. People hold grudges and resentment against those who fail to apologize and admit their mistakes. By apologizing, you put yourself on the same wavelength as those hurt by your mistakes. You see the wrongdoing they see in you. Their resentment diminishes as they become more capable of moving on and freeing themselves from the past.
2. While emotional healing in other people can be initiated from apologizing, it can also start self-healing. The next time you apologize, note how free it feels to admit your wrongdoing. It is liberating to free yourself from guilt that would plague you for days, weeks, and sometimes years. Don’t be a person whose past is a burden until the day you die.
3. People are more likely to follow your actions when you admit your mistakes and reveal your weaknesses. Their courage builds to practice the power of an apology. They see it is the better choice to follow. Apologizing produces guilt in people for the better. They may become aware of their mistake, feel safe, then apologize.
4. We are flawed. If we were cars, we would breakdown every 50 miles. Mistakes are inevitable regardless of your intentions to do good. Apologies are necessary to balance your life.
5. If someone hurts you, it is justice to have them apologize to you. For some reason this is not the case when we hurt someone. The hurting person desires your sympathy as much as you desire their sympathy when they hurt you.
6. Apologizing gives back what you took. You restore the victim’s feeling of worthiness and self-esteem. They no longer feel burdened nor responsible for your mistake. This benefit of apologizing is especially true in children.
7. By having complete responsibility for your actions, you possess an enormous amount of self-control. You are no longer a victim of others. You stop blaming people for what you can control. You become your own person. You create your own destiny.
8. A sincere apology shows effort in a relationship. It shows you care for the person. That’s an entire different approach to avoiding mistakes in an attempt to “secretly get by”. By not apologizing you sweep dirt under a rug. An avoided problem is likely to reappear and bite you when you least expect it at the worst possible time.
9. You build courage and become a confident person. When apologizing and asking for forgiveness, you rise above the destructive compulsion to avoid remorse. You no longer cover your behavior; you bring your behavior into the light. Tough conversations take courage! Your new-found courage will roll into other areas of your life as you begin to address difficult issues you avoided in the past.

Who would have thought there is this many benefits in apologizing! In fact, there is a lot more power in emotional healing and freeing yourself from the past. Read the rest of this free course to receive the many powers of apologizing.

Links to all four parts of this course, “Freeing Yourself From Mistakes and Pain: A Four Part Course On Apologizing and Emotional Freedom”:

1. The Power of Apologizing
2. Barriers and Mistakes in Apologizing
3. How to Correctly Apologize
4. How to Forgive and Be Forgiven – The Art of Forgiveness

When you think others always judge you, you become socially awkward, talk less, and shut-down. This is essentially a social anxiety disorder. It becomes difficult to socialize, have fun, and make friends.

I often get asked how someone can overcome these thoughts where they worry what others think because I had the same problem years ago. I fretted over people’s judgments of me in conversations and general social situations. I stand at 6’9” (206cm) and attract attention where I go (at least that’s what my inner-voice told me). Some people go about their day as I walk by while others gawk. I’m tall, not deaf! I had thoughts like, “Why are they looking at me like that?” destroyed my ability to socially enjoy myself until I discovered a few secrets I will share with you in this article that transformed me into a confident, happy, powerful person.

Surviving the Brutality of People’s Thoughts

Why are you concerned what people think of you? Take time as you explore your concerns. Analyze your unexplored fears and anxieties. Read on once you have thought deeply about this question.

As you explore your worries and anxieties about people’s thoughts towards you, you will see the problem boils down to worrying if people accept or approve you. Your worries center on accurate mind-reading in hope of adjusting yourself to be accepted or approved by people.

Social acceptance is important for everyone. If our ancestors were rejected and ostracized from their tribe, it was a death sentence because they had to confront other tribes and animals while hunting and gathering food by themselves. It was near impossible to survive alone.

Your fears are a survival mechanism so it is okay to want acceptance, but because interactions and group structures have changed after thousands of years, you have outdated ways of thinking and behaving. What thoughts and beliefs helped humans thousands of years ago – even you last year – are unlikely to serve you well now. When you worry what people think of you, does it help you survive? Does it improve your conversation skills?

…chokes your social skills as you become unable to release your real, powerful self into the conversation.

If you think about thinking about people’s thoughts, you see the anxious process does more harm than good. It chokes your social skills as you struggle to release your real, powerful self into the conversation. When you try to determine people’s judgments towards you, your perception of their social judgments creates inhibition and blinds your natural, magnetic personality.

We worry what people think of us more than we know:

• You keep quiet in a meeting as you withhold your ideas in fear of saying the wrong thing and being rejected. From a survival perspective, the fear makes sense because you could be ostracized from the workplace and lose your job, money, and lifestyle. In reality, suggesting an idea will never cause such a drastic outcome (unless you say something absurd like, “Let’s steal from the poor”, but even then your coworkers will probably laugh-off your remarks).
• When you talk to your spouse, you know something needs to be said, but you keep quiet because you fear his or her reaction. From a survival perspective, this could ultimately result in a break up where your genes cease to pass onto the next generation. If you say what is on your mind, however, your relationship strengthens because you discuss what really matters. (Difficult Conversations is a great book for these tough conversations.)
• You avoid doing something silly or unusual in public because you fear other people will label you as “weird”. Some couples do not kiss in public because they worry what the viewing public will think. The same survival principles hold true again: the fear originates from being ostracized from society. No one is going to reject you – yet alone remember you – because you did something you consider an embarrassment.

If you do something people label daring, they may put you down, but most admire your courage. (Tweet this quote.) More often than not, something that is “out there” may not even be “out there” because we fathom what constitutes safety. Giving your opinion in a conversation is not going to determine if you live or die even if it appears daring to you.

Although it is uncomfortable to take action on something you are inhibited over, the return is greater than the initial expense. When you decide to not mind-read people in your conversations, your discomfort increases the same time your power increases. This is as certain as water grows a plant. Facing the uncomfortable makes you powerful.

Your Innate Gift of Mind-Reading

Our ability to infer a person’s mental state is referred by psychologists as having a “theory of mind”. The survival mechanism of mind-reading adapts you to diverse people. It is powerful if you know how to use it.

Researchers agree our theory of mind develops around two years of age. Toddlers can calculate people’s desires, intents, and thoughts. If a toddler sees a crying baby, she infers the distressed baby’s mental state. The toddler may tug her mother’s sleeve, pulling her to comfort the distressed baby. Up until then, you will not see empathetic children with mind-reading skills.

If you were like a baby absent of a theory of mind, you would continuously get in social and emotional trouble. A theory of mind helps you to do the closest thing to mind-reading as you dig into a person’s mind. You are able to see the intangible like: a young boy picked on at school feels hurt and alone; your partner comes home from work smiling, leading you to believe he or she had a good day at work; a depressed friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend leads you to think she needs space for recovery. Your inference into mental states helps adjust your behavior to better accommodate people.

Your inference into mental states helps adjust your behavior to better accommodate people.

What if, however, your friend who broke up with her boyfriend, wants to be comforted by you. Because you guessed she needed space, she would feel neglected, ignored, and more rejected. Inaccurate mind-reading causes relationship destruction.

Tell someone their destructive mental state or intent behind an action, such as, “You’re jealous because you think…”, and you will cause immediate trouble. This is what I refer to as “diagnosing” where we figure out people’s intents behind their actions, which gets us into arguments and detracts from our power with people. (I recommend you read the third chapter on diagnosing of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People for more information about this bad communication habit.)

Mind-reading also frustrates the beholder. We jeopardize our well-being from judgments because we have limited ability to infer someone’s mental state. A person laughing at a distance who makes eye contact with you may be giggling at a joke, not you. You think people judge you – a useful process when used correctly – but it too often sends you to mental imprisonment. You become anxious and constrain your real self from entering the conversation. Your theory of mind is too often an unreliable tool to calculate what people think.

You were given the ability to read someone’s mind so you could better adapt to the environment. Someone aggressively staring you down triggers thoughts of potential danger, allowing you to change to survive the threat. You can be over-reliant on this skill by worrying about people’s thoughts when there is no concrete evidence (such as nonverbal communication) that signal you need to adjust your behavior. What is used to survive and better connect you with people, separates you.

Approval Versus Acceptance – And Why It Matters to You

Let’s look at a paradoxical outcome seen in the following example of someone concerned about social acceptance and meeting a person’s expectations – and be sure to learn from this example. A guy is meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time. He worries about being “good enough” and living up to the high expectations of her parents. He does not want to break up with his girlfriend.

He has two extremes to choose from:

1. He gains their approval.
2. He gains no approval.

Let’s say the guy chooses the first option. In this situation the guy is determined to get the parents’ approval. He analyzes the situation, thinks, worries, and focuses on what the parents could think. He tries to mind-read the parents, which makes him anxious.

When the guy tries to calculate what the parents expect of him, he gets stressed and anxious. His continual analysis of the parents’ thoughts causes awkward behavior. He becomes fidgety, apologetic, and strangled from his natural self. He gets along great with friends, but when it comes to talking with strangers he feels awful.

In this first situation, the guy forward-thinks and screws his chances of gaining the parents’ approval because he is seen as needy and lacking confidence. The guy needs people to validate his identity, which ironically causes them to disapprove him.

When you need approval, people sense it as neediness then reject you. A weak self causes you to be rejected and makes you feel less worthy. The cycle continues as you develop an inferiority complex where you feel less than others.

People with low self-esteem who worry what others think, get their self-esteem from external sources. They feel good when others think good of them and feel bad when others think bad of them. This is why praise and compliments can be a dangerous communication barrier.

When you derive your powerful self from competence, capability, and self-responsibility – instead of external validation that moderates your behavior – you release your powerful self into the conversation.

In the second situation, the guy does not require the parents’ approval. If he finds something funny, he laughs. If he wants something, he asks for it. If he likes something, he says so. These behaviors are different to the first situation where the guy is fidgety, apologetic, and strangled from his natural self.

You may think “he can’t just ignore the parents’ approval of him because he’ll screw up!” The same thought drives destructive mind-reading: you think mind-reading people’s judgments helps your ability to adapt, but more destruction than construction occurs. Your confidence and self-esteem gets knocked down from the destruction of so-called “adapting”.

It is okay to want people to like you without their approval, but not needing approval is different from reckless behavior and not caring what people think of you. Having no need for approval does not mean you run down the street screaming and waving your hands above your head. Reckless behavior will have you cut from society by getting in prison or a mental institution. A healthy balance is possible. You can moderate behavior without needing people’s approval.

Beyond What People Think of You: How to Become More Powerful in Conversations

An elimination of harmful mind-reading is only the first step to not care what people think about you. Because you infer people’s thoughts to get along with people, the second step is to replace the anxious behavior with something to help you with people. Behavioral adjustment to get people to like you is what mind-reading poorly achieves.

In our example, once the guy does not require his girlfriend’s parents to validate if he is good enough for his girlfriend, the battle is half won. He still needs to adapt. He needs to do things like be polite, friendly, joke around, and other things to gain the parents’ acceptance.

Acceptance differs from approval. Seeking approval passes a test to grant yourself permission to be who you are. It is about being “good enough” to meet someone’s standards. On the other hand, acceptance for our purpose builds a positive response to something that is offered. When you seek acceptance, you have a strong sense of self that you present to people, and whether they accept it is up to them. Should people not accept you, it does not diminish your self-esteem because your powerful self comes from inner worth, not external validation. Approval and acceptance are valuable terms you need to reread, understand, and burn into memory.

If you are to be powerful with people, you must build acceptance by doing things people favor, such as starting interesting conversations, making a good first impression, and using other effective communication techniques. Grow yourself and adapt to situations, but do not feel people must validate your reality. Work towards acceptance, but do not worry for approval. Powerfully confident individuals do not require people’s approval at all. They are concerned about people in their life, but they do not limit or inhibit themselves. They seek acceptance without approval.

Once you know the difference between acceptance and approval, and how to build acceptance, release your spontaneous self that attracts people in conversations. Dr. Maxwell Maltz in The New Psycho-cybernetics writes about self-consciousness and releasing your powerful self into the conversation:

The reason some people are self-conscious and awkward in social situations is simply that they are too consciously concerned, too anxious to do the right thing, and too fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing… If these people could let go, stop trying, not care, and give no thought to the matter of their behavior, they could act creatively, spontaneously, and ‘be themselves’… Your creative mechanism cannot function or work tomorrow – or even a minute from now. Only right now.

The paradoxical effect of releasing yourself in the conversation discussed by Dr. Maltz is that people accept you when you stop trying and start being. We fear revealing our true self into conversation, but when we unleash it, people feel it and become attracted to our authenticity.

The guy in the second situation who does not require the parent’s approval, feels confident and others see it. The parents are more likely to accept him. When you rise above the need for people’s approval, your confidence soars, worrying vanishes, and fear of how others see you stops. You are happy with who you are and what you can do.

It surprises me that the purpose of worrying what people think of you is to get them liking you. It is Zen-like that when you trash such thinking, you achieve its goal.

How to Be Free in the Present Moment

A great pianist never anticipates, when performing, every detail needed to play a great song. The pianist allows himself to be enthralled in the moment as his natural playing abilities shine through his music. His focus in the moment makes people accept and like his music.

In a conversation, do not anticipate people’s thoughts towards you, then your natural, powerful personality will be seen. You will behave freely as you do with friends. Act as if no one thinks about you because few probably are. Turn-off the imaginary spotlight you see on yourself and you will be amazed at your high self-confidence. Your new-found confidence will radiate into your conversations as you free yourself from inhibition and release your real self.

Be in the now as you surrender yourself to the moment.

I want you to live in the present moment instead of anticipating the future. Be in the now as you surrender yourself to the moment. People’s reactions do not matter because all that matters is how you respond right now.

Your thoughts about people’s thoughts towards you is an outdated way of thinking that destroys your ability to make conversation. Make the shift to act boldly, build internal sources of validation, gain acceptance (instead of approval), and live in the present moment by not anticipating people’s judgments. You will be unconcerned what people think of you as your powerful self releases into the conversation.

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(Learn to become authentic, confident, and people-magnetic with the Big Talk Training Course, which will help you confidently socialize. Learn more about this breakthrough course available for download here.)