Some of us possess more charm than others, while an unfortunate few remain in the proverbial dust cloud of those who courted their way ahead. In medieval times (and still to this day) magic had charm because of its mysteries and unknown that left outsiders dumbfounded. If you charm men and women, they’ll wonder what magic you wield to make people respect and like you.

It’s obvious that charming people get more affection from the opposite sex, get respected by strangers, and get the raise they want at work. Charming people have an easier, more enjoyable life.

The good news is if you have as much charm as a backyard rock, you too can transform into a captivating diamond. If you feel you’ll never outshine the one always topping you with a cooler line, relax then follow some of the best tips below to help you charm any man or woman.

Be Sociable

I was going to put “be nice”, but that can be interpreted as some of the worst advice ever. If you’re on a date, be nice to the valet people, waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and other service workers by smiling and saying, “G’day”. Ask them with genuine interest how their day is going. It’s charming to show friendliness to these people. If you’re a snotty snob, you’re looking worse by the second and the people around you will wonder how you do your hair so strategically to hide your horns.

Being sociable in everyday “micro-interactions” makes you charismatic. For a complete system to go from shy and lonely to sociable and talkative, get my Big Talk Training Course.

Show Confidence

This is undeniable. If you enter a social situation feeling good about yourself and looking your best, you’ll be fine. If you enter any situation with your tail between your legs worrying about doing something wrong, you probably will stuff up. That’s all I’m going to say about confidence as nobody can quickly tell you how to be confident.

Remember Arrogance is not Charm

Charm doesn’t mean you become Ron Burgundy, walk up to someone, then talk about how awesome you are. If two minutes into the conversation you’re bragging about your recent humanitarian efforts in Haiti and rattling off the titles of all the leather bound books in your office, you’re not a charmer; you’re an arrogant a-hole. Please stop talking. As you’re about to discover, real charm comes from receiving by doing things like being genuinely interested, not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Be Lively, Not Obnoxious

Whether you’re in a bar, at a restaurant, or attending an event in the park, if you’re the loudmouth that everyone can hear across the bar, they’ll want to punch you in the face. It’s not cute and it’s not charming to be the loud and obnoxious person.

Be Positive

I know I’m drowning you in cliches, but too many people I’ve talked to don’t understand how to charm men and women because of simple mistakes. Nobody wants to hang around Negative Nancy.

Being sarcastic and cynical is one thing, though it’s difficult to show that part of you in a non-negative way. I like to think of being positively sarcastic as a type of art form. It’s difficult to achieve, but you’re golden if you can properly execute it in a sparing manner.

Avoid discussing how much you hate your job, how bad your health is, how tasteless the music being played is, and how you’re having the worst hair day ever (even though you were just complimented on it). Steer clear of topics like death and suffering, but when they are brought up and others want to discuss them, you can talk about tough topics with a soothing calmness.

Complimenting people is one great way to be positive. I’ll briefly teach you how to compliment soon. When someone compliments you, avoid responding with, “Ugh, you think so? I don’t like it.” Graciously say thank you and leave it at that.

Show Interest

Many of us are inclined to start talking about ourselves once someone mentions their hobby, as in, “Oh you like traveling? I just got back from Guatemala. I was helping to pave that giant hole in the earth. Did you hear about that?”

Instead, ask about their travels first, otherwise you’ll look desperate to woo them with your God-like Earth-paving abilities and you’ll be made fun of as soon as you leave. Always ask at least one question when someone mentions their career or a hobby.

However, questioning itself doesn’t charm people. It’s how you lean forward, widen your eyes, and focus on the person’s every word that charms men and women. Pure presence is intimately mind-warping. You’ve got to experience it to know what I’m talking about. There’s a whole chapter on this in Big Talk that makes it easy to charm anyone.

As a rule of thumb, whenever someone shows interest in a topic, respond with equal interest or positive curiosity. Listen to what they say with genuine interest. Minutes will fly-by as they think you’re a great conversationalist. After being heard, they will be keen to hear the stories of your travels. Only then is it okay to brag about your Earth-healing adventure.

Keep in Mind Silence is Golden

Silence at the right time is charming. A silent look into someone’s eyes with a warming smile can say much more than hours of speech.

If you’re awful at moments of silence, practice showing interest in people and work on your listening skills. People have untapped knowledge deep listening digs up. If a guy is talking about a problem, listening intently helps him solve his own problems and it makes you look good! By actively listening you honor the talker’s thoughts and feelings and accept the person for who they are, which they’ll love you for.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Withhold Advice

Active listening means you withhold advice until the person is done talking. Keep your unwelcome or unnecessary opinions to yourself. If a woman goes on about how her family never listens to her, don’t respond with “It’s no wonder” nor should you give her your elite suggestions to solve the situation. (Feel free, though, to talk about me and refer her to TowerOfPower.com.au!)

Advice is 1 of 12 communication killers I give in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. You probably think you’re helping people with advice, but there’s four reasons solutions hurt relationships.

Show Your Sense of Humor

Men and women love a sense of humor. Whether you’re the equivalent of a stand-up comedian, sarcastic, sharp with your wit, dry or dark, don’t be afraid to let it show. Inhibition is the greatest barrier to being funny.

You likely abstain from humor in fear that it’ll make people laugh at you. Bad humor repels people more than not being funny so let your humor-radar carefully guide you through the social waters. If your sense of humor has you walk up to a woman to say, “I like my women like the preparation of a good coffee: ground up and in the freezer,” don’t count on getting far.

There’s hope for you to become funnier because humor is learned. Get Comedy Writing Secrets to learn how humor is structured.

Also, an unusual way to improve your sense of humor is to laugh. Laughter is after all, the other side of a sense of humor. Laughing gets you in a good mood and trains you to take yourself lightly. Also, we like people who laugh at our conversational humor. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex and spill your drink or twist up your words, laugh at yourself and relax about it. You can even playfully accuse the person for your accident: “Look what you did!”

Ease your way into humor by learning what works and what’s socially acceptable. Eventually, you’ll charm people with laughter.

Give Authentic, True, and Genuine Compliments

Everyone loves a compliment because it feels good to be admired, attractive, and appreciated. Men particularly love them because we naturally crave respect and honor. Love to a woman is like respect to a man. An effective compliment, nonetheless, charms any person.

Sincerity isn’t enough, however, for a compliment to make someone feel the triple As. Timing is also important. Showering someone with sweet words every hour is not attractive and takes away from the authenticity of everything else you say. A simple “you look great in that dress” or “you have beautiful eyes” is perfectly acceptable in small doses.

The last and most important factor to consider to give a killer compliment is figuring out what the person wants to be admired for. There’s no point praising a person on his shirt if he chose it with no care. However, if the person chose a shirt with the slogan “help save African children from Aids” because he worked in Africa for a few months fighting the disease, then the emotional connection he has with his shirt will make your compliment powerful.

Talk About Your Interests with Passion

Passion is infectious. If the person you’re talking to or interested in hears you speak with passion and enthusiasm about what you do, they will become more intrigued and inclined to notice those things as well. If you drone on about your job or how the last few vacations you took were a drag, you’ll come across as Debbie Downer or Derek Depressor that no one wants to travel with (or talk to). Unless, of course, they’re into taking a Jamaican cruise while listening to you rave on how the entire country is in shambles.

Balance Your Work and Social Life

Charming people have the time to charm people! You’re not going to win men and women over by sitting in your office cubicle or playing World of Warcraft to six in the morning. You can get out and better socialize with these 14 amazing social skills resources.

We’ve all used the “I can’t, I have to…” excuse on someone we’re not interested in, and have probably had it used on us. After awhile people are conditioned to think that anyone who says no or says they have another commitment is blowing them off because they’re disinterested. I’m not saying you have to cancel plans every time someone you’re interested in wants to spend time with you, but have a flexible schedule.

Few persons want to date or be friends with someone who always runs off to work. What’s more important if you frequently work instead of socialize? Do you think a charming person values work over his or her friends?

Be Ambitious

If you have some direction in your life and goals regarding where you see yourself in 10 years – even if your goal is purchasing a home, helping the homeless in your city get off the street, or getting a raise at your job – show something. Coming across as completely clueless with no goals or desires for your future means you’re not looking good.

For more tips with what you can do physically to improve your charm, a few key body language ideas follow.

Stand with Good Posture

An upright posture with your spine straight, your shoulders back and your chin up (not up the behind of the person you’re impressing, but not down at your chest, either) gived the added impression of self-confidence. Many people avoid standing this way because they feel uncomfortable or over powered, but over time standing with good posture will feel more natural and you will look better.

Relax Your Facial Muscles

As you’re reading this, your brow is likely to be a little furrowed, eyes squinted, and lips pursed. Maybe not all of these points, but some, right? Why are you doing this? Can you see the monitor just fine? Probably. Chances are you do some of these things when you’re out in public as well.

Tension is unconscious, but relaxation is conscious. A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm. Relax the muscles on your face to the point where you cannot detect tension. You may even want to make this a routine just before you enter a room to socialize.

Smile with Your Teeth

A smile that shows teeth is more appealing and more attractive than a smile with lips together. The later isn’t as natural and charming. Even if you don’t like your teeth, research proves showing them when you smile gives off more authenticity. It also helps show you’re enjoying yourself, which is a charming trait. Look your best and you’ll act your best. Your best is most charming.

Dress Comfortably

You may have worn an outfit that was “hot” or “appealing” or “fashionable,” but didn’t feel completely “yourself” in it. You feel wrong wearing something that isn’t you. You spend time adjusting, looking in the mirror and worrying you look ridiculous. It distracts too much of your brain.

The principle is this: get comfortable in what you wear or don’t wear it. Don’t go out of your way to wear something just because you heard it appeals to someone of the opposite sex. You’ll look more like a weirdo tugging at your outfit the whole night than if you wore your trustworthy outfit that hasn’t failed for years.

Authentic Charm

If you have yet to notice, charm is the art of having a good personality. And a “good personality” in this context is how good you are with people. Again, charm is good people skills.

Good looks is a part of charm, but even that forms your first impression with people so it relates to people skills. If you look good and you know it (and not in a cocky way), it will come through in your personality and you’re more likely to act your most “charming.”

Know who you are and be that person. If you’re trying to be the “smooth talker” and the next minute you’re the “jokester” and the next minute you’re the “quiet, flirty girl,” no one is going to buy it. Chances are, you’re a mix of all of those things. If you’re feeling shy, it will show. If you’re feeling flirty, it will show. I’m quite and flirty and work with that.

No matter what you do or no matter how hard you “try” to be charming, you’ll probably think someone is doing a better job than you, looks better than you, or seems to ease into conversation better than you. Don’t worry over another person’s antics. Let them be them and you be you. Comparing yourself to others devours too much energy better spent on talking and listening to an awesome person and charming their face off. Focus on doing that instead of mental mutilation.

Self-consciousness only hurts your ability to build friends. A charming person, after all, knows one’s charm is held in the eye of another man or woman.

(For hundreds more tips to help you make conversation, win friends, and get people thinking how great you are, check out the Big Talk Training Course.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. 5 Steps to a Charming (and Sexy!) Voice
2. What Women Want in Men
3. What Men Want in Women
4. 40 Ways to Make a Good First Impression
5. How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word

There’s your first barrier that stops you from figuring out what men want in women when dating and in relationships. As long as you try to figure out men through your womanly experiences and understandings, you’ll forever remain confused.

Men differ from women. Before you give me a Nobel Prize for that remarkable statement, understand that women tend to operate from their limiting beliefs in dating and relationships. They apply their reality of chemistry and connection to a man’s reality, forgetting a male’s emotional psychology is completely different to their own.

If you cook, clean, and shop for a man in hope he likes you, you’ll be ineffective at triggering attraction and other important responses men want to feel around women. You wouldn’t feel attracted to a guy who only sat around watching football drinking beer so don’t become the female equivalent.

To figure out what men want in women, put aside your preconceived notions about dating and relationships then listen. Men will also benefit from reading this article because it helps you, if you’re a guy, better understand your desires so you can build better relationships and attract quality women.

Men Want Only Sex

Too many women believe the only thing a man wants in a woman is sex. Men want so much more. Remember what I said earlier about judging from your experiences and perspective?

A man may only desire sex from you because you focus on physical qualities. When your attractiveness depends on dressing sexy for him and sexual comments, you’re seen as a friend with benefits. You invoke a caveman response from him. This satisfies some women some of the time, but you might want more.

Many men (or should I say boys?) have yet to evolve on an emotional level. They seek only physical attraction because their emotions are blocked. They don’t know how to connect at an emotional level. Imagine putting on a pair of green glasses. It doesn’t matter what colors exist, everything is seen green. A person’s lack of emotional development blinds him from that level of awareness.

As confusing as it is to women who project their own qualities onto men, physical involvement is unequal to a relationship. A man can be physically involved with a woman and want nothing more. I believe this is what forms the belief that men only want sex. The problem with this belief is it overlooks other areas of attraction men want in women. Physical attraction is simply one part of an intimate relationship.

Nearly all men ultimately want a fulfilling relationship with one woman. A guy may not want this now or in the near future, but ultimately that is what he desires. If he says otherwise, he is usually emotionally immature or yet to meet a great woman.

The Secret is Attraction

Every man wants to feel significant, important, desired, and sexy. There’s a broad array of characteristics great men want in women that lead to one experience. The secret feeling a man wants to have around you is one of attraction.

You may think of attraction as “chemistry”. It’s the energetic charge between two people that evokes an animalistic urge. When you become what men want in women, men feel attracted to you.

Attraction can be temporary, but when you understand its principles and continually refine them (by re-reading this article and purchasing books on the subject), you make attraction long-term that leads to commitment and a satisfying relationship!

You probably know a few women who seem to effortlessly pull men towards them. They easily attract men through their looks or personality. These women understand attraction, even though they probably didn’t learn it from a source like this article.

Three Types of Attraction

Men can be attracted to you in three primary areas. We crave for all three in a partner.

As I mentioned earlier, there is physical attraction. Men are turned on more than women by visuals. It’s important to dress well, get your hair beautiful, be slightly tanned, show off your figure, and exercise.

Are you not that beautiful? You can still improve it by learning from other women. You may also have an advantage over attractive women!

Beautiful women tend to identify with their looks and become insecure. Feeling insecure about your looks is a bigger turn off than looks itself. Attractive women, in general, go through life easier than less attractive women so they have yet to develop the two other areas of attraction that lead to satisfying relationships

Guys tend to want women who are attractive, but lack personality, for the short-term. You cannot have a relationship with a body part. Looks is only one piece of the attraction puzzle.

The second type of attraction is intellectual. Intellectual attraction comes from more rational, logical means controllable through words and actions. Think of the bimbo blonde who has a peanut for her brain – that’s the opposite to an intellectually attractive woman. It’s a pain to live with someone unintelligent. An attractive man wants a woman who holds a conversation with almost anyone, talks about his interests, regularly reads books, and teaches him valuable lessons.

The third type of attraction is emotional. If a guy suddenly becomes disinterested in you, a lack of emotional attraction is the problem. A real relationship fails to develop in the absence of emotional attraction. Ways to attract men emotionally involve high status behavior, teasing, playfulness, mystery, and unpredictability.

Deficiency in an area of attraction decreases a man’s interest in you. Intensify all three forms of attraction to hypnotize any man.

Since you can go elsewhere for advice to improve your physical looks, what I’ll teach you in this article on what men want in women builds your intellectual and emotional attraction to start a great relationship and keep it that way. You are discovering the secrets men wish you knew that society will not tell you.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. What Women Want in Men
2. How to Be Charming to Men and Women
3. Review of Catch Him and Keep Him by Christian Carter

For men, this means you’ll be able to cultivate what the article discusses into your life so you can attract and maintain happy friendships and intimate relationships with women. If you are already in a relationship, this is what your woman wish you already knew. Anytime you can get a woman or anyone feeling what you want to them to feel, whether it be over the phone, in a business deal, or placing an order at a restaurant, you will get more out of the situation – not necessarily at the expense of the other person.

For women, it could mean many things. You will gain a clearer understanding of what drives you as a woman in your relationships, why past relationships have failed, and even how to select a real, authentic man that is Mr Right.

The Triad of Dilemmas

I’ve read dozens of books, subscribed to attraction newsletters, talked to attraction experts, talked to women about what they want in a man, tested techniques, and have observed many scenarios comparing and contrasting variables men display in their interaction with women to create a set of complete, holistic characteristics women want in men, which I will share with you in this article. In my search, I came across my first dilemma: experts gave contradictory advice – more so in the diverse stages of a relationship.

At the start of a relationship, dating experts attempt to describe what women want. There are pick-up artists and attraction experts that tell men to neg (a gentle, teasing insult), take advantage of a woman’s insecurities, and advance the relationship as fast as possible. Such people praise themselves as pioneers in defining what women want, but in reality nearly all of them cannot keep a long-term relationship. They excuse themselves as having the power to be selective, instead of dating and keeping any woman that comes their way, though their denial is a facade for deficiencies in their personality.

At the later stages of relationships are marriage experts, psychologists, romanticists, and communication trainers that teach men to listen to women. According to such experts, women want to be heard, understood, and made to feel special. These teachers do not tell you the skills and personality characteristics that create animalistic urges in women because the principles are counter-intuitive to “good relationship communication”. Pick-up artists and other advisers that teach men how to succeed in dating, bash marriage trainers and the like over their teachings because the dating coaches feel long-term relationship advisers transform men into sensitive, new age, wuss-bag, girly men – and I agree to an extent.

Most men that learn communication skills from me fall the trap of applying interpersonal relationship advice at the start of a relationship. It is not so much what they do as it is how they do it. The men become needy, have low self-esteem, and fail to communicate strength. Women don’t want to feel understood, listened to, worried about, and comforted at the early stages of a relationship – such “nice boy” characteristics send them running. Women want to feel indescribable urges that arise from bad boy qualities.

Culture and society creates the second dilemma: society infuses disempowering beliefs and limiting norms into men. I don’t blame guys for their limiting beliefs about what women want – but I do blame them for holding onto them when the truth is revealed. We are lead to believe women only want tall, handsome, wealthy men. Such advice drives men to feel insecure about themselves, which validates their initial belief. They may get rejected on an approach, dumped by a girlfriend, or divorced from a long-term relationship, and reason through their perceptual filters that their shortness, ugly looks, or poor wealth did it to them.

If most experts and society don’t know what women want, surely women know? What better way to get the answer, then from the source itself, right? No. Most women don’t even know what they want – and therein lies the third and last dilemma.

Women preach to guys the characteristics they feel attracted to. They reason, “I’m a woman so I know what I and other women want.” This causes confusion.

Malcolm Gladwell in Blink says attraction is one topic of many when our rapid judgments and feelings are unconsciously processed. When our conscious, analytical mind enters the fray, errors occur. Gladwell says we label what we think attracts us to what really attracts us. Few people are aware of what lurks beneath the conscious mind. We succumb to personal qualities that leave us feeling out of control and bewildered.

If these three sources of information create dilemmas in defining what women want in men, what is the source of truth? What I’m going to teach will probably shock you, but put your preconceived notions about this entire topic aside so you can learn. “Empty your cup” as Bruce Lee would say.

Women are Mixed Up

Women say one thing and mean another thing. A woman says she wants you to spend more time with her, but according to David Deida, author of The Way of The Superior Man, if you give her that in certain circumstances, your compliance disappoints her. If a woman sees she can upset you by calling you ugly, she will weed you out of being a potential mate – not because of your looks, but because your weak self-esteem let her easily destroy you. The surface is not a description of the depths.

When women say what they want, it isn’t really what they want – it’s an attempt to rationalize something abstract to them. Attraction is a confusing subject to intellectually understand and experience. Often guys and women cannot explain why they are attracted to someone because attraction isn’t a logical decision (“I keep dating the wrong type of person”). Attraction isn’t decided and it certainly isn’t a choice.

Women are strange – though you probably already knew that. Women say they want nice guys, so men be nice, but a woman does not make the logical decision to be with a guy because he is nice to her with compliments, presents, and gifts. Both genders make emotional decisions on their relationships. If a man compliments a lady, gives her gifts, buys her flowers, and earns her affection, the techniques may work for a while, but he is just being used. Such behaviors are fake, manipulative, needy, and undesirable.

Another confusing characteristic men adapt that women say they want is humor, one of the most universally attractive qualities women want in men. Being funny, however, is not the whole story. A good sense of humor isn’t what they entirely want. Women aren’t crawling over comedians. What they want is a guy who is cocky, has a sense of humor, can tease, and doesn’t constantly degrade himself. Unstoppable confidence combined with humor attracts nearly every woman – even the psychotic type so be careful. (Here’s a good guide on humor to attract women.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. What Men Want in Women
2. How to Be Charming to Men and Women
3. Why People Remain Quiet, Shy, and Non-Assertive: The Benefits of Passive Behavior and Communication
4. How to Not Care What People Are Thinking About You – and Release Your People-Magnetic Self Into the Conversation
5. Review of Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo

Sexual arousal contains several of the greatest lessons to teach yourself how to become self-motivated. Arousal begins by thinking about someone you find attractive. Thoughts create vivid images that lead to a growing intensity of feelings. As your feelings intensify, blood flow increases to certain body parts, breathing heightens, and your skin becomes sensitive. If you continue to immerse yourself in such imagery, eventually you need to act on those feelings.

The enduring desire and process to goal achievement is no different to arousal. Thoughts lead to vivid imagery, which creates intense feelings. Soon enough you must act on those feelings because it becomes too much for you to not chase your goal. You can create an equivalent – if not more intense – desire as physical arousal to achieve your personal development goals while the people around you quit by continuing to reading part two of this article.

2. Stimulating an Intense Emotional Craving to Get What You Want: How to Be Self-Motivated

“The starting point of all achievement is desire.” – Napoleon Hill

“You can have anything you want – if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you do a thing, do it with all your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp it with your own personality. Be active, be energetic and faithful, and you will accomplish your object. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emotions play a vital role in goal-attainment. Nelissen, Dijker, and de Vries in their 2007 study titled Emotions and Goals: Assessing Relations Between Values and Emotions emphasize the importance of emotions in achieving goals:

“An emotional state is characterized by a motivational tendency to the attainment or maintenance of a particular, emotion-specific end-state. Some [studies] have further proposed that the goal-directed nature of behavioral consequences of emotions is adaptive, thus portraying emotions as solutions to obstacles and opportunities of physical and social survival.”

As a basic example of the importance of emotions in goal-attainment, let’s say you are on holidays visiting beautiful landmarks and you’re driving up a steep mountain. You get to the top of the mountain and make your way to an eye-grabbing location that borders the mountain’s edge. There is no fences or boundaries placed that control where you can walk on top of the mountain. As you approach the mountain’s edge, you see the steep fall and quickly take a few steps back to feel safe.

The emotion in this example is fear. It is a fear of danger to ensure you achieve your goal of safety. If you had zero fear of falling off the cliff, the chances of you falling – and failing your goal of safety – increase because you are closer to danger than if you stepped away from the cliff. Your emotions help you obtain goals.

Behind each goal you have, there exists an emotional void you seek to fulfill. Aristotle said the desire for happiness is the void behind all actions. Happiness is the ultimate void every human being pursues. Nobody can be happy enough. Knowing you desire happiness, however, is not much help when motivating yourself. There is little benefit in knowing you want to make small talk with anyone to be happy. This is where the pain-pleasure theory of motivation comes in.

Anthony Robbins, author of Awaken the Giant Within, made famous the pain-pleasure theory of motivation. The theory states that we either seek to gain pleasure or avoid pain with anything we do. Pleasure involves chasing something. Pain has you run away something. “The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you,” says Robbins. “If you do that, you’re in control of your life. If you don’t, life controls you.”

By understanding how to use pain and pleasure, instead of having pain and pleasure use you, I believe you give yourself unlimited opportunities to be self-motivated. When you learn to build as much pleasure in something as possible, while building pain in something you do not want, you become self-motivated. Manipulate pain and pleasure to build an intense emotional craving to achieve your desires.

We associate so much pleasure with physical arousal that it strongly drives our behavior to fulfill the emotional void whenever possible. Likewise, you can associate extreme amounts of pleasure with your goal, in becoming confident, for example, that you work towards better confidence under any circumstance. In fearful situations you normally avoid, extreme amounts of pleasure can be associated with fighting fear so it becomes exhilarating to be courageous and act in the face of fear. (This is a core secret of how you can become confident in social situations that I reveal in my conversation skills program Big Talk.)

Well-known motivational speaker Jim Rohn expands on the pain-pleasure theory. Rohn summarizes the primary emotions and desires that bring about change, like the pain-pleasure theory of motivation, into four categories:

1. Disgust – This is the pain component of the pain-pleasure theory. Disgust can occur when you have had enough. You’re sick of something from occurring, which motivates you to not let it occur again. Your pain leads to change.
2. Decision – There comes times in our lives that make or break us. These are fork roads where we need to choose the path on which to travel. The fork roads often arise from outside circumstances that force us to make a decision, such as a partner laying-down an ultimatum that sets the conditions if you’re to continue in a relationship. Make a decision and move forward in life. A wrong choice can be corrected at a later time.
3. Desire – We’re influenced by outside circumstances, but we must have an internal desire – a purpose that originates from within. You are shown throughout this article how to build a desire and increase pleasure with your desired pursuits.
4. Resolve – This state is defined by the decision to commit to a circumstance no matter what. “When confronted with such iron-will determination,” says Rohn, “I can see Time, Fate and Circumstance calling a hasty conference and deciding, ‘We might as well let him have his dream. He’s said he’s going to get there or die trying.’” Nothing can replace commitment. When you know what it is you clearly want, resolve will make it happen.

Pain, pleasure, disgust, decision, desire, and resolve – these are all powerful states you need to control or they will control you. The question remains: How do you control these mental and emotional states to become self-motivated? How do you build the emotional strength for endurance through the complete journey to attain your goals?

I believe an awareness of either pain, pleasure, disgust, decision, desire, and resolve is sometimes enough to create the respective emotion. Knowing about disgust, for example, can help you create disgust to change your behavior and achieve a goal. Nonetheless, I feel there is one technique I am about to share with you that’s amazing for building a burning desire to achieve your goals. With this technique you will remove any lack luster efforts and reluctancy to pursue what you want. It is one of the best goal-setting techniques you will ever use. The technique is simple, but very powerful.

On the piece of paper where we started the exercise earlier on, you are now going to fill in the second column. Label the second column as “Why I Want It”. In this column, you’re going to use the technique of listing 20 reasons why you want what you do to trigger, spark, and amplify your emotional desires to hunger for what you want. Come up with 20 or more reasons why you want what you listed in the first column.

Take your time in coming up with the list. 20 reasons or benefits is a lot of work, but the list created from the hours of work in this exercise will be your psychological fuel for achieving your communication and personal development goals in the weeks, months, and years to come. For me, it is my source of inspiration. If there is one method that I frequently depend upon for stimulating a hot passion so that I can pursue my goals with vigor, it is this technique. No other technique injects so much enthusiasm into me.

If you have troubles coming up with good reasons for your goals, expand on ideas and ask other people for ideas. You can also try to think in themes like: feelings you will experience, how others will see you, physical outcomes, reducing pain, and increasing resolve.

Let’s say your goal is to avoid destructively erupting in anger at family members during family conflict. Here are 10 starter points you could use in the “Why I Want It” column:

1. I want to be a good role model for my children.
2. I want my family to feel safe.
3. I want to ensure we have open communication and that no one is scared of talking about certain issues because of my anger. (Prevent other people being demotivated to talk to me because of the pain they will experience.)
4. I am sick of fighting with my family.
5. I want my family to love me as much as possible.
6. I want my family to be relaxed and calm when talking to me; instead of being provoked by my anger.
7. I hate feeling the shame when people in public see my anger.
8. I want to increase intimacy with my partner.
9. I want other parents to look up to me with how I manage my emotions towards my children.
10. I want my children to think back in 10 years time and be grateful with my emotional management towards their difficult behaviors.

The above is a great example of a list of reasons to achieve the goal of anger management. Once you have listed at least 20 reasons, I guarantee you’ll be filled with fiery emotions to help you achieve what you want. I encourage you to look at your list on a daily basis because of its emotional power in hooking you to achieve your communication and personal development goals. Look at the list frequently and you’ll remain focused and persistent with your goals.

The exercise works because you create a list that summarizes the sale points to make you “buy into” pursuing your goals. The list builds your pleasure, boosts your desire, and intensifies pain to make you persist until your goals arrive. The exercise builds the amount of pleasure you get by changing and builds the amount of pain you get by not changing.

I believe this one technique by itself is enough to create a burning desire. Regardless, I really want you to achieve your goals. I know what it is like to have a down-day where you don’t feel motivated (don’t fret, it’s natural). Here are some quick-fire pieces of advice to help you stimulate an emotional craving for your goals:

• Dress for Success – How often do you see yourself in a mirror or reflection, or look down at what you’re wearing that day? Let’s say 5 times a day. 5 times a day is 1825 times a year. That’s a lot of subtle mental programming. The power of clothing on your mood is amazing. Wear clothing that makes you feel confident and other areas of your life will improve accordingly.
• Be Aggressive – Having an important goal should stimulate aggression. Misdirect that aggression and it can become costly. Do not create another problem with your aggression. Channel your aggression towards a productive goal – what it is intended for – and watch the steam condense into hard results.
• Relive Past Success – Think back to your past successes and relive the experiences in your mind. Past successes are not only stored in your mind, but at the cellular level in your body. Linked to the successes are winning feelings you can tap into for success. On the contrary, think of past failures and you stimulate feelings of failure. The technique builds the pleasure of getting what you want. For a more in depth teaching of this method and other mental reprogramming techniques, I highly recommend Dr. Maxwell Maltz’s The New Psycho-cybernetics.
• Here and Now – Focus on what you can do in the present to allow your creative imagination the potential to develop solutions. When you are obsessed with the past and the future, anxiety rids you of your ability to achieve results in the present moment.
• Details – Defining what you want pulls you in the right direction with specific details. Visualize, feel, smell, taste, and hear the intrinsic details of your desired state to put yourself in that winning state. Just as it is with the process of arousal, you can become aroused by experiencing the details of your goals. This technique is similar to reliving your past successes except you’re free to create what you want with this technique. You’re not controlled by the past.
• Feed Your Mind – You’ll be surprised at how uplifted you get by reading about other people’s passions and successes. Consume at least 15 minutes a day of motivational material from the likes of Zig Ziglar, Jack Canfield, and Anthony Robbins. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last,” said Ziglar. “Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
• Create an Ultimatum – Use the desire of resolve that Rohn explains to create change in your life. Make an absolute condition that if something doesn’t happen, so-and-so consequences will occur. Tell others about this to hold yourself accountable. Sun Tzu in the Art of War knew soldiers fought their hardest when it was a matter of life or death. Soldiers given an escape route by the enemy had an option to winning or dying so they did not fight their hardest. Alternatives and exit strategies make it okay to fail. Do everything in your power to create an ultimatum such that you must succeed or suffer severe consequences. This technique increases the pain of not changing.
• Teamwork – Team up with someone who wants a similar goal as you. This technique is frequently used in exercising where trainers encourage newcomers to workout with a friend. When you make your goals known to others – and when they have the same goals – the two of you can work together towards a common cause. Each of you becomes more accountable for his or her own actions because you don’t want to let the other person down. It’s vital the person is supportive or they could demotivate you from setting and achieving your goal.

A word of warning though, as I have repeatedly mentioned, if you must rely on these techniques to provide you with motivation, question whether you want the goal. You can stimulate passion using the various techniques provided above, but I want you to remember that your goal must be what you defined in the first stage of the article. An intense desire to pursue your goal will come naturally if your goal is what you truly want.

Nonetheless, passion increases with the above techniques. You will pursue your goals with a passion by learning how to create a desire for what you have clearly defined. Once you are passionate and persistent towards a goal, zero events can stop you from achieving it. Outside circumstances may delay achievement, but passion with action guarantees your desires ultimately manifest into the results you want.

Be careful with what you wish for because you can get it by following the advice shared in this article. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how to stimulate a passion to get it. I believe this is mysterious state of success philosophers have tried to described for centuries. (If you haven’t done the exercise yet, you’re only cheating yourself. Go back and do it now.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. On Achieving Goals – Part 1: Defining What You Truly Want
2. Setting SMART Achievable Personal Goals
3. The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom
4. Why Problem Solving Doesn’t Solve the Problem and the Real Solution to Permanent Change
5. 10 Almost Guaranteed Ways to Fail in Life

For centuries, mankind has explored this mysterious emotional state that gets him want he wants. This power is not the law of attraction; rather, it is a power within you. The power is your power. It is self-motivation. You control whether you are self-motivated. Self-motivation will give you anything you damn well want if you want it bad enough.

Think of something you once wanted so badly that nothing stopped you from getting it. This is the passionate desire you need to achieve what you want. Contrast this passion to something you thought “would be nice”. Maybe you wanted to learn the guitar because you thought it would be a nice skill. Maybe you wanted to learn a new language to explore cultures. Maybe you wanted to go scuba diving for an adventure. Whatever “nice thing” you wanted, you didn’t achieve it because your hunger for it was deficient.

When trying to motivate yourself to learn a new language, for example, perhaps you purchased some books and CDs, but you never progressed further because you lack the emotional desire (it happened to me when I tried to learn Spanish). We can take steps forward to achieve what we want, but we fall short of our desire without the self-motivation required to carry us through our full journey. Without self-motivation, we fail.

To achieve your communication and personal development desires, goals, and dreams, I believe two characteristics need emphasis. Both deal with passion and having a fire-in-the-belly attitude. Firstly, you need to define exactly what it is you want.

1. Defining What You Want

“You will suddenly realize that the reason you never changed before was because you didn’t want to.” – Robert H. Schuller

“When you know what you want, and want it bad enough, you will find a way to get it.” – Jim Rohn

“Modern man lives under the illusion that he knows what he wants, while he actually wants what he is supposed to want.” – Erich Fromm

The first step to achieve what you want in your personal development journey is to know exactly what you want. You probably already think you know what you want, but I am pretty confident you do not truthfully know. What you think you want could be what someone else wants; a facade to get another want; a vague desire which creates a slow, unenergized pursuit.

When you do not define what you want with pure precision, you wonder through life’s jungle waiting for signs that validate your success. You have no proof you’re moving forward because you don’t know what you’re moving towards. Eventually, you get devoured by obstacles that demotivate you from trying to reach your mysterious destination.

Let’s say you want to be good at making small talk with anyone because you would love to have the skill of being able to approach someone and start a conversation. Wanting to make small talk with anyone, however, is not what you really want. What you really want is a host of outcomes small talk fulfills. What I mean by this is that you don’t want the skill of being able to talk to anyone for the sake of being able to talk to anyone – your desire to talk with anyone has hidden motives. Successfully being able to approach someone and start a conversation fulfills that want.

One reason you could want to make small talk with anyone is to control your fears when you meet new people. Another reason is to network more effectively so you can grow your business. Another is to feel secure around people. All these are emotional motives that drive your desire to make small talk. When you define your wants in the correct light, you become self-motivated to pursue that goal because it holds importance to you.

Do you want to raise happy children? Do you want what is best for your family? If you want what is best for your family, you’re probably lying to yourself. I’m not saying you don’t want what is best for your family; what I’m saying is the underlying motives behind “I want what’s best for my family” deals with your desires.

Perhaps seeing your family safe and secure makes you feel happy and comforted. Knowing your children are happy validates your parenting skills. When other parents see your successful children, you feel proud. Maybe you want successful children to make up for the failures in your life or you do not want to be frowned upon and humiliated by other parents. These outcomes are probably what you really want when desiring the best for your family.

Only when you accurately define what you want can you get what you want. You will aim with precision when focusing on a target clear to you.

I want you to do an exercise now. This exercise forms the framework for this article so you will greatly benefit from doing it. The exercise is a mental and emotional catapult successful people use to define what they want, become self-motivated, and achieve their goals.

Get out a paper and pen, and draw two columns. You will want the second column to be twice the size of the first column. This exercise is large and will take several hours. You may want to do it in two sittings, but the process should be energizing so you might be able to get it done in a single sitting.

In the first column on the left, label it “What I Want”. Obviously, under this you will write down what you want. Some people would write down goals as the heading for this column, but I don’t like using the word “goals” in combination with words that signify a deep desire because you don’t need to set goals when you want something bad enough. Your desires automatically become something you want without you sitting down and writing them as goals.

To help you determine what you want, remove all constraints around your desires. Forget about what you know or have. Stop letting the past limit your future. Remove financial, intellectual, and relationship constraints. Success is not what you know or who you know; it is how you think. You can overcome any constraint if you know how to think in an empowering manner.

It is absolutely necessary you do not reason to yourself what you want. The analytical part of your mind can hurt the emotional part. The most common form of reasoning contains “buts”. For example, “I want to work as a public speaker. But I am not good at speaking. But I don’t know how to get started. But I won’t be able to make money.” All these stupid constraints trick you into avoiding your true desires.

When we reason with “buts”, we rarely have tried to find a solution. I’ve heard people who want to become public speakers say they are not good at public speaking, yet they have not looked into how they can speak better in public. These people reason they don’t know how to get started in public speaking, but they never once looked into how they can get started. We have limiting thoughts based on limiting knowledge. It is crazy how we remove ourselves from our desires through this silly rationalizing process.

In determining your ultimate career, ask yourself what you would do if money was not a consideration. Ask yourself what you would do if you had the necessary training. Ask yourself what you would do if you knew the right people. Remove all constraints and find what greatly turns you on.

Another thought to help you accurately define what you want is to not fall in the illusion of wanting what other people want. Society has norms and expectations that can mold your desires. I understand that everyone will not want to be married. Think deeply about what your goals really mean to you. Passion is more about caring than finding the right thing. You will be surprised at the many things you can be passionate about once you start caring.

As a verification step to knowing what you want, you can test to see if this is truly what you want by running a mental theater of what it will look, feel, smell, hear, and taste like when you achieve the goal. Rather than ask yourself, “What are my goals?” ask yourself, “What would excite me and why?” See what excites you by running through intense visualizations. The experiences that excite you (I am talking about a desire of 100 on a scale from 1 to 100 where 100 is the most intense) are what you want. They are your goal.

If you still struggle to determine your desires, remember to remove all constraints. Also, you can stop the exercise for a few hours to allow your subconscious to work and define what you want. Additionally, I recommend you get Jack Zufelt’s program How To Use The Conquering Force Within You to learn more about defining what you truly want. (I earn nothing from referring you to Jack’s program. I have two copies of it and encourage you to get your copy.)

Once you have defined what you want, write these desires down on the piece of paper under the heading “What I Want”. In the same column, and this optional, you can go one step further by using the SMART method. Having written down what you want, rephrase your want in a specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and tangible form. Write no more than five goals for now, unless you want to do extra work, because of the time it takes to complete the exercise.

If you’re finished, well done. You have defined what you want. That completes the first part of the exercise. Few people will ever do what you just did, which sets you apart from the masses.

The next step after defining what you want is to stimulate an intense hunger to get your desire. This second step could be unnecessary, because if you really want something you will have an intense hunger to consume it. Nonetheless, we experience demotivation from failure and have our down-days for everything so the second step boosts your self-motivation. If you did not hunger, you would hardly eat. Consume the advice in part two and you will successfully be devouring your passions.

This article is continued. Read part two: On Achieving Goals – Part 2: How to Be Self-Motivated.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. On Achieving Goals – Part 2: How to Be Self-Motivated
2. Setting SMART Achievable Personal Goals
3. The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom
4. Why Problem Solving Doesn’t Solve the Problem and the Real Solution to Permanent Change
5. 10 Almost Guaranteed Ways to Fail in Life