Click to watch the video that corporate trainers and self-help gurus don’t want you to see as I uncover the industry-insider secrets which kill people. Learn the myths and dangers of self-help. What is shared in the video is not revealed below.

Self-help is an industry full of lies, myths, and dangers. It’s a community of experts and everyday consumers that have techniques and ways of living to heal anxiety, treat depression, and generally improve the quality of life.

Self-help is the act of improving yourself without reliance on others. It extends beyond motivation books and popular psychology to include other ways humans communicate. There’s forums, everyday conversations, seminars, webinars, and books.

The term “self-help junkie” was coined to describe someone who attends seminars and buys many books, DVDs, and CDs on the subject. Junkies fuel the $8 billion dollar industry in America alone.

Self-help addicts are sometimes like heroin addicts jumping between experts wanting their next fix. The educational sources become a source of comfort and security to avoid what really is going on as the junkies intellectualize lessons and never build the learning only possible from action. This article reveals the dangers of self-help some gurus wish you didn’t know and how it almost killed me.

The Two Dangers of Self-Help

Pennsylvania clinical psychologist Dr John Norcross says self-help can damage you in two ways. Both are costly, time-consuming, and energy-depleting.

The first general danger of self-help is the direct harm. This includes a misdiagnosis or ignorance of a declining condition. Think of it like a well-intended mother issuing aspirin to remove a headache when the cause is cancer.

The dangers are real except with personal development the issues are not physical, but often mental and emotional. Selection of the right material to cure is tricky. A wrong decision can leave you worse off.

There’s a lot going in your mind and body unknown to you. You can know your body is sick because you have a headache and feel weak, but you could have one of hundreds of potential health problems originating from poor eating, harmful drinking, disease, and so forth. Similarly, we are unaware of the hidden operations in the mind. It takes a humble attitude of acceptance to respect a lack of mental and emotional control over your life.

It takes a humble attitude of acceptance to respect a lack of mental and emotional control over your life.

The second general danger of self-help according to Dr Norcross is the indirect harm. You exhaust your physical, mental, and emotional efforts on something unsuccessful so you beat yourself up over an inability to change. Once you believe you cannot change, rarely do you change.

Think of self-help like a Do-It-Yourself job at home. You can probably do good landscaping, fix doors, place flooring, and paint. Books, television shows, and a few friends provide you with good advice. However, you would not remove the home’s foundations, redesign its shape, or relocate it by yourself. Attempts to solve unknown problems or create something entirely new leaves you frustrated believing it cannot be done. People try to redo their minds from the ground up then unfortunately fall short of what they want and believe failure is destiny.

How One Self-Help Myth Nearly Ended My Life

The empowerment given through self-help usually originates from improving how you think. The motto is “think better, live better”.

Thoughts are powerful, yet they are not everything contrary to what is preached by advocates of the law of attraction. To think your universe can form from thoughts alone is absurd.

An overt focus on thoughts ignores the side therapists attend to: emotions. Our thoughts influence our emotions and vice-a-versa, yet the influence is limited. You cannot think your way to emotional healing. Thoughts and rationalizations are “safe”. It is easy to intellectually process your problems and talk about them with complete emotional disconnect when you are afraid of vulnerability that reveals and heals your real self.

I’ll prove how intellectualizing and thinking stops emotional wealth. Dr Steven Hayes, founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), who I had the pleasure to work with for Big Talkers, has a nice technique. Give the label of “good” or “bad” to the follow emotions:

• Happiness
• Anger
• Guilt
• Joy
• Sadness
• Shame

Done? I’m guessing you labeled happiness and joy as “good” and anger, guilt, sadness, and shame as “bad”. Let’s analyze these labels. What if your mother died. Is sadness bad? What if you punched your child. Is guilt bad? When you put this into perspective, the thoughts you attach to “negative emotions” shift.

If you believe embarrassment is bad, you avoid embarrassing situations and never build the confident social life you want. You spend life running from what you don’t want.

How do you respond when something is bad? You avoid bad things because they represent pain. If you believe anger is bad, you avoid your anger, feel resentful, misunderstand people, and struggle to manage conflict. If you believe embarrassment is bad, you avoid embarrassing situations and never build the confident social life you want. You spend life running from what you don’t want.

I almost killed myself because of emotional avoidance. I lived in depression trying to avoid things like anger, shame, and embarrassment because these were “bad feelings”. Not letting feelings flow and trying to manipulate them increased their strength. (Watch the video shared at the top of this article filmed in my backyard for the dark truth about me.)

Dr Hayes says we have a dangerous habit of problem-solving with our mind. You need to stop critiquing the experiences in you and just let them flow. Observe them as they occur to you instead of worrying and trying to fix them. This is groundbreaking material I won’t go into further detail because it’s all covered in the Big Talk Training Course and Big Talkers, which I highly recommend you get if this article resonates with you.

Some self-help teachers encourage emotional expression. Students may practice poor expressions of anger and assertiveness, however, then kill themselves like Sydney resident Rebekah Lawrence. This is an extreme case. My point here is to make you value the messages sent by your emotions and acknowledge thoughts are not everything.

Positive Thinking Myth

Feeling down or thinking negatively? This self-help CD will cheer you up, but not in the way its creators intended.

Positive thinking is taught everywhere. Every mental health professional I’ve heard recommends positive thinking. I teach it as well. For example, assume friendship when approaching others for conversation. Think others are already your friend before you talk to them. This reduces anxiety, creates attractive body language, and makes talking easy. Positive thinking helps you better interact with people and them interact with you.

The danger with positive thinking that I see in many “pseudo-spiritual aka law of attraction” teachings is they take positive thinking beyond what psychologists believe is healthy. Dr Norcross says flamboyant claims are made.

Cancer, rape, and poor-wealth do not consistently originate from misaligned thoughts. Victims are made to feel they squandered their mind. They are blamed for environmental influences. Self-blame is unnecessary contrary to what self-help teaches because it perpetuates resistance and shame.

With excessive positive thinking you… may go to exorbitant lengths to avoid a problem by looking for the easy way out.

Your entire life is not a product of your thinking. With excessive positive thinking you risk building a life that excludes reality. You may go to exorbitant lengths to avoid a problem by looking for the easy way out. Positiveness becomes escapism.

Your comfort zone can stagnate along with the quality of your life through avoidance. Carl Jung says your dark-side (what you want to avoid) – not the light-side you probably love to focus on – contains the gold you seek. I look back on my life and see the areas where I took a step of courage to breach my comfort zone, transformed me. Look at your life and you will see the moments you acted in the face of fear created the greatest results. That is the core of transforming your social life with Big Talk and my coaching.

Self-Discipline Myth

Along similar lines as the exaggerated power of thoughts is the undue emphasis on self-discipline. Discipline is made to be the secret of change. We all know self-control and courage is important to help you confront what you prefer to avoid because it pushes you outside your comfort zone. The self-discipline myth depends on the definition of discipline.

Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled says, “With total discipline we can solve all problems.” The more I think about the statement, the more I see its truth. Again, though, it depends on what is meant by “discipline”.

When self-discipline is understood as willpower, self-discipline is overrated – even dangerous. I’ve heard many people express discouragement over their lack of discipline when it’s understood as willpower. They think something is wrong with themselves because they cannot change a habit like wake up early or quit smoking. Eventually they believe change is impossible because they have insufficient “discipline”. We’re made to feel as low-value humans for our innate habitual patterns.

Humans are autonomous creatures, not creatures of willpower. Studies prove 90% or more of your behavior is habitual. We think we are in conscious control of our lives, but we have behavioral and thought patterns repeating day-after-day. Your patterns simply vary in order.

This is not to say habits are permanent, yet they require focused effort and systems to assist change. How you use your limited willpower determines if you alter unwanted autonomy, remove a bad habit, and create the life you want.

It is sad most people waste their limited willpower on resisting people, thoughts, and feelings. Accepting a problem puts you in the game to fix or at least live with the problem. Acceptance means you humbly acknowledge your limited willpower, the degree you influence the problem, and the time it takes to stop what you don’t want and get what you do want.

What’s Really Going On with Self-Help and You?

Can you see the pattern of problems in most self-help? Thoughts are not everything, emotions are overlooked, positive thinking is taken too far, and self-discipline is overrated. There is a sinister amount of focus on intellectualizing. This is what drives the self-help junkie. Any self-help junkie will tell you he struggles to use what he knows.

Change can feel impossible by yourself. Years go by as you become a self-help junkie and question whether your dreams can become a reality. It’s okay to seek assistance from a therapist, counselor, or expert in your problematic area. Someone cannot drive you to change, but you cannot change without a drive to change.

How then do thousands of people around the globe change their life? Ad Bergsma in the Journal of Happiness Studies questioned whether self-help books help. Bergsma says hope is often what makes self-improvement programs effective. The downside of hope is it leaves you vulnerable to exaggerated claims and an empty wallet.

This post is not intended to degrade anyone or self-help. Authors and bloggers do their best to help, yet intention is not all that is needed to affect change.

Naming all self-help books bad or good is like saying all team leaders are bad or good. It is narrow-minded.

You can work on yourself with great results. Self-help empowers you to improve your relationships, move ahead in your career, make friends, and enjoy life more. You create your reality instead of feeling what is, will always be.

Personal development is key to my continuing growth. Self-help is just one part of it. I encourage it to be yours as well. Be aware the dangers of self-help and its myths shared in this article otherwise you risk wasting time, money, and effort – and ultimately believe something is inherently wrong with you.

If you read this to feel better about yourself, that was not my intent. Be honest about what you are avoiding. See the little control you have over your autonomous behavior. Invest in courses for your personal growth. Accepting these lessons could be your first-step towards change – and yes, I am giving you hope because there is hope.

NLP practitioners have a set of rules known as “NLP presuppositions” that form the foundations for the technology. They are beliefs that govern NLP. The presuppositions give you the foundation to understand how you perceive the world and presents you with the opportunity to change your reality. It is not that the presuppositions have been proven, but rather they give us opportunities and freedom to produce for effective living and better communication.

While few people agree on exact NLP presuppositions, the following presuppositions are ones I frequently stumble upon. They appear to be widely accepted. Though the presuppositions are simple, and hence can appear idealistic, think of how they can be applied to your life to change your reality:

1. The map is not the territory

This could be the most important presupposition to understand. “The map is not the territory” means we are separate from reality. The menu is not the food. The road map is not the city. The map of the world we have in our minds is not the real world.

We short-change ourselves of our full potential when we believe our mental map of the world is the territory we deal with everyday. If you take your assumptions of people’s behaviors, your position in the world, how people perceive you, or anything as reality – when it is merely your mental map painted from abstract understandings – you cheat yourself from what you can become.

Instead of interacting with the world, you interact with your map. How you treat people and yourself is dependent on the map you hold. Your map can be more quickly and easily changed than the world it attempts to describe.

2. Every behavior has its appropriate context

You may get angry in sporadic outbursts because it gives you the space you need from people. You may be a passive person because of its benefits such as the praise you receive from parents. You may be scared of snakes because when you were little a snake-bite hospitalized you for two days.

Unfortunately, the behaviors, phobias, and ways to communicate you learned from experience that served you well then limit your potential now. You let the past dictate your future. Instead of using old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that served their purpose in old contexts, you need to adapt new thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are most beneficial for the present moment and aligned with who you want to become.

3. People already have their needed resources

If you take your assumptions of people, yourself, or anything as reality – when it is merely your mental map painted from abstract understandings – you cheat yourself out of what you can become.

This is the weakest of the presuppositions. It is has been reinterpreted and misused from its original intention given by Milton Erikson when he said patients in therapy have the resources to handle their present problems, not all problems.

Unfortunately, and fortunately, you are human. While you may have the resources to solve personal problems, it does not mean you are capable of solving them right now. You need to know the resources you have and how to use them. You need to learn the skills, go through the experiences, discover a book, or whatever it may be, to awaken these resources within you.

You already have the ability to visualize, feel, hear sounds, communicate, and experience other sensations. These innate human abilities are the framework for personal change. In this article, and anything I share with you, I hope to give you the ability to use your resources better to create the reality you want in your everyday awakening life by showing you how to put your frameworks to more effective use.

4. Experience has a structure

Sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell create an experience for you. These five senses hold the potential to change your identity and reality. Each habit or skill is birthed from the five senses.

Pleasant-filled and pain-ridden experiences each have a structure that use the five senses. Recurrent painful memories typically are large, bright, and up close. Painless memories of previously painful moments are typically seen in black-and-white, a single frame, and at an objective distance like in a photo – or even possibly combined with humorous music. Knowing the experience you want and understanding the structures that gives the experience, helps you establish an empowering pattern.

5. If one person can do something, anyone can learn to do it

This presupposition is modeling, doing what someone else does. It forms the foundation of NLP where individuals observe successful persons then mimic what makes them successful. Someone who wants similar success to a person they admire are to learn and do what makes the person successful, which leads to their own success. Successful individuals for centuries have modeled successful predecessors.

6. Change what is not working

The old saying, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got” is so true. This presupposition encourages people to stop doing what is ineffective. If you want something new, start doing something new.

It is sick to see parents use unhealthy ways of disciplining their children. Every action by the child gets a consequence placed around it. To the parent’s disbelief, the child continues to push those consequences. The parent thinks it’s the child’s problem, but the parent is too ignorant and stuck in habitual behavior to realize that what he or she does is not working.

7. A positive intention exists beneath every behavior

You might yell to be heard. Fight to establish justice. Smoke to feel relaxation. Retreat to feel comfortable. Remain in bed to avoid the pain that awaits you. These are all positive intentions.

A positive intention does not mean the behavior is correct, healthy, or the best option. Rather, knowing a positive intention or fundamental human need exists behind behaviors and communication enables you to resourcefully act. When you see positive intentions, you are more able to separate the problem from the person and update your map.

8. You cannot not communicate

I have come across many people who think it is possible to not communicate. The idea that you cannot communicate is one of the top communication myths.

You always communicate and will always continue to communicate. Your nonverbal communication illustrates the thoughts and feelings inside of you. While your thoughts remain hidden, a snicker in your smile, a wink in your eye, or a sigh of relief communicates a message without you needing to verbalize a message.

9. The meaning of communication is the elicited response

You just gave a brilliant presentation to a board of directors about a new project. Or so you thought. They rejected your idea. Why? There could be many reasons, but the underlying concept I’m painting here is the message received differs to the message sent.

A person’s response shows you their meaning of your communication. When you understand the difference between sending communication and receiving communication, you open yourself to intimately understand people. You become aware that people need to verify their understanding of your message, which allows you to adjust future communication with them.

This presupposition encapsulates another NLP presupposition: failure does not exist, only feedback exists. Every piece of feedback you receive is treated as an achievement because it takes you one step closer to what you want. If something does not get you the results you want, it only means you need to correct what you are doing. You eventually create the reality you want by having the flexibility to change.

10. The more choices, the better

The better your map, the more choices you give yourself to create your desired reality.

The fewer options an individual has, the unhealthier the person. Individuals limited in behavior feel victimized by circumstances that “give no options”. You may consider yourself to be absent of any psychosomatic illness, but there will be unhealthy areas in your life where you feel limited and powerless.

People stuck in negotiations are limited by their constraining choice(s) because choice correlates to power, influence, and change. The more choices you have personally, socially, and professionally, the more control you have over your reality. The better your map, the more choices you give yourself to create your desired reality.

11. The mind and body are inseparable

It was previously believed the mind and body are separate entities. Today, researchers, medical experts, and philosophers discover evidence each day about the mind and body influencing one another. Your thoughts and emotions affect your body and vice-a-versa.

Do not underestimate the influence your mind has on your body and the influence your body has on your mind. There is endless amounts of research that proves the strength of the two-way communication between the mind and body. Fields of study now heavily integrate the two entities that once seemed separate.

Body psychotherapy deals with the subconscious mind and body. Your experiences show in parts of your body. One particular example is bottled emotions manifest themselves in pains throughout the body. Emotional pains arise in predictable places over the body. A sore left knee signifies a fear to move forward in life.

Last night, I purged my thoughts and emotions, which remained inside of me for years, to my parents. I woke up the following morning with my worst ever headache. 18 hours later as I write this, I still have a headache – something that has never lasted more than 30 minutes for me. Such a long-lasting headache means I still have stuff to work through.

12. Action develops understanding

Regardless of the number of books you read, people you talk to, or universities you attend, you will not understand what you seek to learn until you “do”. It is only when you “do” can you fully comprehend what you intellectualize.

There you have 12 neuro-linguistic programming presuppositions. These presuppositions are given to you as frameworks. They are rules to change your reality. Live by them and soon you will be in a reality that once seemed a dream.

You can ignore the truth because it is uncomfortable to face, but other times you accept myths over truth because you know no difference. A relationship expert, counselor, psychologist, or even a communication trainer may have mislead you to believe a communication myth is truth. It is time to shake up your communication beliefs and shock your reality, allowing you to more effectively communicate.

Getting rid of a delusion makes us wiser than getting hold of a truth.Karl Ludwig Borne (1786-1837)

Myth is an attempt to narrate a whole human experience, of which the purpose is too deep, going too deep in the blood and soul, for mental explanation or description.David Herbert Lawrence (1885-1930), English writer who often criticized modern living’s negative influence on humans

Few people have the imagination for reality.Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832), famous German writer

Originally I struggled to write 10 myths, but after brainstorming, researching, observing people communicate, coaching people on their communication skills, asking tens of thousands of subscribers on communication myths, and picking out myths from my buried notes, 15 myths fitted surprisingly snug. These myths need to be revealed, cleared, and truth be told so we are better empowered to improve our personalities and relationships.

The greatest myths of communication are arranged in order depending on their frequency and strength in people’s minds. From lies, illusions, flawed teachings, and misunderstandings, it is time to debunk the top 15 all-time myths of communication:

#15 Myth: Logic makes communication effective

Logic destroys relationships. The next time you see two people in an argument, watch them focus on the logical level. Each person will give facts the other does not care about. The content and logical focus of a conversation has been the demise of many relationships.

The Heath brothers in Made to Stick reveals why people remember ideas and not others. They say we focus too much on bland words and facts. Emotions get overlooked. Intelligence, reasoning, and rationality are fine. Problems arise when logic gets center of attention in a conversion – especially during conflict. The emotional content of conflict needs to be handled first before facts can surface.

Humans are predictably irrational.

Stop focusing on the content of conversations. Look beyond the words to see emotion. Start caring about people’s emotions beneath their content of a conversation because relationships are fueled by emotion.

Even in business communications you need to focus on emotion. We want others to understand how we feel instead of pointing out the facts or telling us how to feel. When you understand humans are creatures of emotion, and that we are predictably irrational, you enable yourself to have great charisma and persuasive power. (I recommend you read chapter 10 of my communication secrets program for full details on how to overcome this logical dilemma to communicate at an emotional level so you powerfully connect with people.)

#14 Myth: Effective communication is about the blunt truth

This myth will be interpreted in a way different than how I intend. A person who always tells the blunt truth is disliked by those who always get told the truth. Truth-tellers use the excuse of, “I tell it how it is” and “If people can’t deal with reality, it’s their problem.” They may even see their need to tell the truth as a virtue.

The truth we tell others often manifests itself into criticism that gets thrown back into our faces with defensiveness or arguments. Truth is hurtful when delivered in the absence of empathy. Productive communication is inhibited when people are too busy defending themselves from personal attacks.

I am not advocating you lie or give people enormous amounts of praise when they sucked at something or to live a deceptive life. Lies are unnecessary when you deliver the facts with compassion. You need compassion in a tell-it-like-it-is attitude.

Truth is not a virtue without compassion. “Our tendency is to choose up sides, valuing certain emotional skills while neglecting and even disparaging others,” write Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz in The Power of Full Engagement. “Take a moment to consider how broad a range of emotional muscles you have in your own life. In all likelihood you will discover that you have considerable more strength on one side of the spectrum than on the other. Notice, too, the judgment that you bring to the relative merits of opposing qualities.”

Loehr and Schwartz go on to write that “no emotional capacity better serves depth and richness more than the willingness to value feelings that seem contradictory and not to choose up sides between them.” Have you been limiting your array of emotional skills by valuing the blunt truth over compassion?

#13 Myth: Communication solves everything

As someone who teaches communication skills, this myth is something I would like to believe! Unfortunately, communication does not solve all conflict and relationship problems. Sometimes the greatest charismatically persuasive communication cannot solve relationship issues.

Marina Benjamen, Ph.D. of Psych Central sees a frequent scenario in couples counseling. Couples have no “serious problem”. Both partners can vouch for no drinking, abuse, or infidelity. The problem? They do not communicate. A lack of communication can happen for many reasons, but by itself it rarely leads to relationship resolutions. “Good communication exposes conflict that when effectively dealt with,” says Benjamen, “can promote a more open and intimate connection.”

I notice a transition in people who adopt this myth that communication solving everything. The general public are vaguely advised that “communication is important in relationships”. Few people like yourself who go one step further by learning conflict management, emotional mastery, and self awareness, come to realize how communication is greatly beneficial. The more we learn and develop ourselves, the more emphasis we place on communication. Eventually, we come to believe any argument, relationship break up, or person who does not like us comes from poor communication.

Think of a worldly issue, like abortion or the death penalty, that you have a strong stance on. Do you think someone with opposing views who communicates well would change your mind? If you really believe in your stance on the issue, then communication is not going to change your mind. You and I have religious, political, and personal values that prevent communication solving everything.

Communication is the relationship, a shared connection between two points. Communication forms the bridge in a relationship so it makes sense to assume the problems coming and going must exist on the bridge. If either side has a serious enough foundational problem, however, the strongest bridge is not going to last.

Communication forms the bridge in a relationship… However, if either side has a serious enough foundational problem, the strongest bridge is not going to last.

People ask, “What things can I say and do to make people like me?” This is the wrong type of thinking! Most effective communication is doomed before you even open your mouth. Becoming charismatic and persuasive starts from within you. Changing people’s behavior starts within you. And having intimate, sharing, and loving relationships starts within you. Change your life by changing your thinking. Good relationships happen with self development, not only through good communication.

I steer my focus away from telling people to say rehashed lines in certain situations because no magical line can effectively work when you are incongruent with your words. You can say one brilliant communication line, but how you feel and think is a greater influence on the outcome. My Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program is not about rehashed lines. It gets you deeply understanding yourself and other people so you can begin communicating more intimately, powerfully, persuasively, and charismatically.

#12 Myth: Learning communication makes you a better communicator

We are at a global health crisis. Doctors have repeatedly said that the large percentage of health problems in Western countries comes from choices controllable by those who suffer such health ailments. We are in control of drinking, eating, smoking, stressing, and exercising. The global health crisis is not occurring because we fail to learn the implications of poor eating and excessive drinking. Westerners and most Easterners understand this. The problem comes from our inability to change (further proof that logic is weak.)

Reading about a health problem does not automatically make you healthier. We know how to lose weight: you consume less energy than you put out. The majority of us have health problems within our control, which we logically understand, yet continue to ignore.

Learning communication makes you a better communicator when the lessons lead to behavioral change. Even failing at a new skill makes you a better communicator because you went out and did something. Stop trying to intellectualize everything and just give it a go. You will become a better communicator when you do it. (I recommend you read Alan Deutschman’s Change or Die for more information about this topic.)

#11 Myth: Communication is one-way

Radios, televisions, and many electrical devices in the home communicate one-way messages. It seems our relationships are often the same. At times it appears we communicate in a monologue. There is still two-way communication – just poor two-way communication. We cannot not communicate.

Communication in human relationships is two-way. Even one-way communication like public speaking is two-way. We have eyes and ears that absorb people’s communication as listening or a lack of listening communicates a message. You can listen and not say a word to communicate. Whether you choose to do something with this gathered information to improve your relationships, increase your charisma, or boost your persuasion is up to you. It is up to you if you choose to empathize, laugh at, pay attention to, or ignore another person’s communication, yet two-way communication will always exist. Several other myths, as you will soon discover, tie into this myth.

#10 Myth: Intellectual intelligence equates to good communication

Emotionally intelligent people are often good communicators, but they are not necessarily intellectually smart. Daniel Goleman in his groundbreaking book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ says, “IQ and emotional intelligence are not opposing competencies, but rather separate ones.” A person with a high IQ does not automatically get high emotional intelligence and good communication skills. Someone with a low IQ can have equally good communication skills as someone with a high IQ.

The seemingly incompetent that we dub as dumb can be smart communicators.

In one of my popular articles “Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills”, I say that smart people do not necessarily have poor communication skills. However, smart people tend to have predictable communication flaws from certain habits, traits, and thoughts. A few of these problems include the: need to criticize, tendency to find faults, use of complex words, and need to prove intellectual intelligence by showing off one’s knowledge.

Amazingly, some of the most empathic, caring, understanding, attentively good conversationalists I have met were in mental institutions. They were not psychologists, therapists, or receptionists, but were patients these professionals looked after. People labeled them as “stupid”, but they were good communicators. The seemingly incompetent we dub as dumb can be smart communicators.

#9 Myth: The message sent is the message received

This myth may hurt your relationships every day. Thinking the message you send is the message people receive makes you vulnerable to fighting with people important to you. There’s one word that explains this ugly problem: interpretation.

How we interpret a person’s message depends on many human characteristics like memory, beliefs, and values. Your mother sees your child hurt his knee so she tells you, “You need to look after your kids.” Though your mother was expressing a concern for any child’s safety, you become offended because you interpret it as, “I’m failing to look after my kids.” As another example, a guy playfully tells a girl who looks at him, “Hey, stop checking me out.” The girl may interpret the guy’s message as, “He’s confident, playful, and challenging” while an onlooker may interpret the guy’s message as rudeness.

The next time you talk to someone, stop assuming the message you send is the message someone receives. Improve your communication skills by being conscious that people will interpret your message differently than how you intend it to be understood. Ask a person for their understanding ensures the two of you share an accurate understanding. Additionally, you can tell people your understanding of what they say to get clarity and logical harmony.

#8 Myth: Adapting to people is necessary for good communication

Change to the moment can be good. Robert Greene in The 48 Laws of Power teaches “formlessness”. He advises people to adapt to other’s individuality and rely less on past experiences to interact with the present. What skill you have successfully used on someone will not necessarily work on someone else. Adaptability is the key to surviving and thriving. I back Robert Greene’s 48th law and teach such things myself.

Adaption is important for healthy relationships. A failure to adjust your mood to a person’s mood can result in severe conflict. NLP practitioners advise people to build rapport with someone by mirroring their body language. Fine-tuning your body language and words to a person’s emotional needs boosts your social performance. However, adaptability can be beneficial and harmful to your communication.

When you overlook your own needs or feelings to adapt to social situations, a trade-off often takes place. People who make good impressions, while overlooking their own needs or feelings, suffer from poor, unstable relationships. Emotional suppression and ignorance is dangerous.

The everyday social implication of adaptability is a superficial attitude. Dr. Brian Spitzberg, a professor at the School of Communication in San Diego State University and co-editor of The Dark Side of Close Relationships, says the myth of adaptability hurts your communication skills. “If everyone is adapting to everyone else’s adaptations,” says Dr. Spitzberg, “people become chameleons in a paisley room, disabled by the shifting pattern of their social context. Adaptable people can come across like a chameleon as they change their ‘face’ for each person with whom they interact.”

#7 Myth: Communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem

Ah, the dreaded fear of talking about a tough issue. Fear’s purpose is to protect us from danger, but it too often stops us from intimacy and happiness. The excuse of “communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem” is an excuse to avoid the uncomfortable. We fabricate reasons to procrastinate on important conversations that will change our life.

We fabricate reasons to procrastinate on important conversations that will change our life.

Anyone who has regrettably divorced will tell you their disappointment in how their ignorance to one or two minor issues for years ultimately destroyed the relationship. You waste time, energy, money, and emotion in delaying a difficult conversation in fear it will worsen a problem. Susan Scott in her bestselling Fierce Conversations encourages us to “come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real.” “Being real is not the risk,” says Scott. “The real risk is that: I will be known, I will be seen, and I will be changed.” (Susan’s book provides techniques for difficult conversations while my Big Talk book covers the mindset of tough conversations. I recommend you get my Big Talk program to help you understand and face the fear and psychological torment of issues difficult to talk about.)

#6 Myth: You cannot communicate

Another common communication misconception, and a reason nonverbal communication is powerful, is you cannot not communicate. In other words, it is impossible to avoid communicating. You can try all you want to ignore someone, but you still communicate.

People think that ignoring someone avoids communication with the person. If you choose to completely ignore someone, you communicate ignorance to that person through your body language and unwillingness to talk. Shy individuals who avoid conversations then remain alone, communicate disinterest in people and a lack of self-love.

By telling someone “I’m not talking to you”, you already have lied because your body language will communicate a message to the person that you are ignorant. Additionally, your silence could communicate that you are a stubborn person. When someone gives you the “silent treatment,” do you interpret the messages they communicate to you? Yes! Perhaps they communicate stubbornness, ignorance, rudeness, or cruelty through avoidance. It is impossible to avoid communication.

#5 Myth: Meaning is in words

Semantics is the study of meaning in language. It explains how two individuals searching Google for “hot looking person” want different results. One person wants information on an attractive person while the other person wants information on global warming. Google invests billions of dollars into semantics for its search engine algorithms to determine whether 12-year-old Johnny searching “hot looking person” wants good-looking people or information for his geography assignment. The implications of good semantics is huge. Without good semantics, search engines die like our relationships.

While meaning can be in words, a word is only a medium for understanding to travel, much like air is a medium for sound to travel. “Words are only postage stamps delivering the object for you to unwrap,” said George Bernard Shaw.

A black car may bring prestige, wealth, power, and speed into your mind’s eye. You have seen many wealthy people drive black cars. Someone else sees the same black limousine carrying their mother’s casket to her burial ground then feels sick and sad.

You don’t react to a person’s words; you react to your meaning of a person’s words.

Words are representations of images, symbols, and events; they do not solely give messages their meaning. The attachments we have to what we say and hear gives communication most of its meaning. You do not react to a person’s words; you react to your meaning of a person’s words. Someone calling you “a loser with no life” will not affect you when you give those words a meaning of, “he’s just angry” or “if he was aware of personal growth he wouldn’t call me names – whatever he calls me, doesn’t affect me”. Understanding this myth and using its truth in your life will take your communication and personality to a whole new level.

#4 Myth: Speaking talent is important for effective communication

Speaking with a good vocabulary, clarity, directness, and structure does not equal effective communication. Light travels through air like communication travels through speaking skills. Just because the path of flow is clear and smooth does not mean the destination or source is desirable.

Most business communications seem determined to convert this myth into truth. Presentations, mission statements, and team leadership work around the principles of clarity, directness, and good vocabulary. What an awful way of communicating! It makes employees hate work and discourages customers from buying the company’s products or services.

Each year, Chip Heath, co-author of Made to Stick, gets his Stanford University students to persuade fellow class members that nonviolent crime is a major issue in the United States. Heath describes a major problem the students have giving the presentations: the students are intelligent and present their ideas with good speaking skills.

Each student is given one-minute to present their persuasive speech while the other students rate his or her speech’s effectiveness. The highest-rated students present statistics with poise, smoothness, and charisma – the typical understanding of effective communication in business. A few minutes following the presentations, Heath gets the students to remember any concept from any of the presentations. “When students are asked to recall the speeches, 64 percent remember the stories,” says Heath. “Only 5 percent remember any individual statistic… almost no correlation emerges between ‘speaking talent’ and the ability to make ideas stick.” The foreign students with poor English speaking abilities are equally persuasive as native students.

Businesses are made of individuals. A business is one entity that only represents the individuals within. Lose the idea that you need to “strive to become a leader in the industry while maintaining a key focus on adhering to superior customer service”. Reading such statements make me puke! Whether you are inspiring a team or selling your idea to a CEO, you do not persuade on statistics, structure, and effective speaking skills. People are persuaded from stories, emotion, analogies, self-interest, and a little bit of logic. Speaking talent is not as important as you think it is for effective communication.

#3 Myth: More communication is better

More money is better. More power is better. More friends is better. Thinking that more of something good can be a problem. Give a poor man millions of dollars, a business, a great network of friends, and he may lose it all. The poor man may not have the knowledge to successfully manage such financial, capital, and human assets.

More of a bad thing only amplifies the problem. Spending more cash does not resolve credit card debt. Eating more junk food is not going to fix your health. Fighting with your partner will not help your relationship if you continue poor communication.

Moreover, some issues are better left untouched. Rose Macaulay said, “It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them.” It may seem that this myth is the opposite to the myth “communicating a hidden problem worsens the problem”, but each have their own uses in various situations. Much like laughing, there are good and bad times to use each communication myth.

Sometimes a person can be so emotionally closed-off that they directly request you to keep quiet. What I do in this situation is use the technique of reflective responses to empathize with the person’s anger, frustration, or other emotion they experience. I say something along the lines of, “Seeing [whatever the issue is] makes you feel [feeling] because you need [whatever the need is].” Sometimes a person’s shield is too strong for any communication to get through. You need to shut up, respect people’s requests, and do as they say.

Silence is when change takes place.

When there is less communication, there is more silence – and silence is powerful. Silence marinates the conversation into the mind. Silence is where change takes place. Change occurs in the mind; not in words. You cannot expect a person to fully comprehend what you say while they listen to your words. Use silence to increase understanding and boost your persuasion abilities.

While more communication can create further poor communication, amplify problems better left untouched, and limit the power of silence; less communication helps us understand. Precision can be more dramatic and memorable. In this case, less is more.

#2 Myth: Nonverbal communication accounts for 93% of total communication

The number two myth is a close contender for the greatest communication myth. This myth is the most widespread communication lie, quickly spreading from many nonverbal communication articles and books that teach 93% of communication is nonverbal. Nearly every time nonverbal communication is discussed, you will hear this myth. The misunderstanding that nonverbal communication contributes 93% to all communication is the most quoted and misquoted piece of information in communication – ever.

If 93% of communication is nonverbal, learning a new language would be a breeze. Should this second greatest myth of communication be true, we could easily talk in different languages because words would make up an insignificant amount of communication.

Here is the truth about this myth. Albert Mehrabian, professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of California in Los Angeles, and Susan Ferris in a study titled Inference of Attitudes from Nonverbal Communication in Two Channels, looked at the contribution of verbal and nonverbal signals to total communication. The two researchers had participants listen to prerecorded voices of single words, such as “maybe”, while looking at black and white photographs of facial expressions. The participants were told the tonality of voices and facial expressions communicated disliking, liking, or neutrality. They were then asked to choose between the three attitudes for each recording. The study found facial expressions contribute 55% to communication while vocalics contribute 38% (a 3:2 ratio).

Mehrabian later on in his book Silent Messages: Implicit Communication of Emotions and Attitudes referred to the findings from his study as the 7%-38%-55% rule, a rule defining what factors give meaning to our words. The rule states that 7% of meaning is in the spoken words, 38% of meaning is in how we say the words, and 55% of meaning is in body language. Mehrabian explicitly states in follow up discussions on his studies and book that the 93% of nonverbal contribution to communication applies only when someone discusses his or her likes and dislikes. He says his findings were not intended to be applied to communication in general.

When a guy discusses his likes, you will see his energy rise. He will smile, talk more enthusiastically, show interest, vary his tonality, move around, and give off other nonverbal messages he likes the subject. Similarly, when he discusses his dislikes, you will see his drop in energy. He will frown, talk in a bitter manner, show disinterest, have a boring tonality, move less, and give off other nonverbal messages that he dislikes the subject. When listening to this guy talk about his likes and dislikes, 93% of your belief that he is telling the truth comes from nonverbal communication. If this guy frowned, talked in a bitter manner, and used boring vocalics when he supposedly talked about a like of his, you would conclude he dislikes what he is talking about.

#1 Myth: Good communication has taken place

While other communication myths can be shifted up or down a few spots amongst the top fifteen list, this myth remains concreted as the number one communication myth. The greatest myth you likely experience on a day-to-day basis is thinking you have communicated well with someone. George Bernard Shaw, recipient of the 1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Communication is a buzzword that has too often been misused. You think you just experienced a great conversation, but all that took place was some talk and feel-good emotions. Forget thinking that good communication is only speaking with logic, telling the truth, expressing your intelligence, adapting to people’s communication styles, communicating as much as you can, making people feel good, making yourself feel good, keeping the two of you calm, or solving a problem.

Good communication does not take place when one of these things happen; rather, it is a point of open understanding where people walk away from the conversation feeling better. Good communication is determined by people’s responses. The NVC process is one of the best techniques to build understanding for good communication.

It is easy to blame other people on poor communication, but this is another myth – a lie to stop your need for truth and change. You are responsible for the communication in your life. You are aware of the 15 greatest myths of communication while others are not. It is up to you to bring the truth of these myths into your conversations.