“Hang out the washing”, “Stop moping around and cheer up”, “Fix what you broke”, “You need to improve your skills with customers”, “You need to get a new attitude”, “Obey your mother and father”. There are four reasons why such statements kill your relationships.

4 Reasons We Hate Receiving Solutions

The most common communication barrier people use to send solutions is advice. We give advice to help a person or to get things done, yet the outcome is destruction. Whether you’re a child or parent, brother or sister, employee or manager, we hate receiving advice and being told what to do for four reasons:

1) Loss of control. The other person takes the reigns of our life as they control what we do. No one likes being controlled – it impedes their freedom. To be in control of one’s life is a fundamental human need. Psychologists say the more you’re in control of your life, the happier you’ll be.

If you get controlled, you respond with rebellion. Humans seek to reestablish freedom by engaging in a threatened behavior. You may refuse to carry out the order, do the task poorly, procrastinate, or blame others for the task not being completed. Your response to being controlled is natural human behavior, unhealthy for relationships. Rebellious behaviors strain relationships – pulling on the fabric that binds a peaceful relationship.

An insurgent individual causes the person giving advice to continue giving their solutions because no change has occurred, which furthers defiance. The problem is not the nonconforming person, but the stubborn person blind enough to continue controlling the individual. “They just keep doing the same goddamn thing that doesn’t work and worsens and perpetuates the problem,” says Robert Fisch, author of Brief Therapy with Intimidating Cases: Changing the Unchangeable. “What people are doing is ‘common sense’ to them. People say ‘it’s the only thing to do.’” We need to stop attempted ways of changing people that fail to work.

2) Feelings of inferiority. A side-effect of being controlled is feeling inferior. We feel like a lesser person when we lose control of ourselves. Solutions and advice prevent people from feeling good about themselves and developing a healthy self-esteem.

We seek to feel important. To make a man hate you, simply take away what makes him feel good about himself. Tell him what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, then you’ll have yourself a lifeless human doing, not a human being.

3) The problem is not obvious. Humans are complex creatures. Even our simple processes are complex. Has someone ever given you a piece of advice on a serious emotional problem? The person tried to help you, but you became frustrated because he or she “just didn’t get it”.

Chances are you didn’t change. You probably rebelled against the person to regain freedom. As a result, things got worse. You became angry, silent, or defensive. Perhaps the person then tried even harder to assert their way of thinking was right, but this only pushed you further from where they wanted you to be. They didn’t understand what you were going through. I know, I’ve been there.

Advice subtly communicates the solution to your problem is obvious. It communicates you must be stupid, incompetent, and inferior to overlook the solution. Aeschylus, an ancient Greek playwright in 500 BC, said, “It is an easy thing for one whose foot is on the outside of calamity to give advice and to rebuke the sufferer.”

When you’re tempted to send a solution to someone, remind yourself that you don’t know the whole story. Even when you think you know the truth, you probably only know one side of the story – your story. Why? This leads us to the fourth reason people hate receiving solutions from others.

4) People are oblivious to the truth. Human behavior and everything we experience is like an iceberg. An iceberg’s visible tip is 10% of the entire iceberg because the ice’s density is less than the sea water’s density. The remaining 90% of the iceberg is below the water’s surface, not visible to the common eye. How the 90% of the iceberg is shaped cannot be determined by looking at the iceberg’s tip.

Our likeness to an iceberg is a double-edged sword. On one side, most people never concern themselves with understanding the 90% of a person or story difficult to see upfront. They prefer to focus on themselves, stick with what they know, and never seek to fully understand people. We don’t follow or become inspired to change by someone that doesn’t understand us.

On the other side of the iceberg of human behavior is tremendous potential for you to connect with people in a way they have likely yet to experience. People’s poor ability to understand others stores further energetic potential to have them connect with you. When someone hides what matters to them in the dark from fear of being told what to do, your understanding through empathetic communication shines a light on their life to open them up.

Unfortunately, very few people know these secrets of communication. That is why they are secrets. Most people try to make knock-out blows by giving advice, criticism, and other communication barriers. They hope to change people and their relationships through solutions, yet all this does is make people hate them and resist change.

What I have discussed here is only the first of five solving barriers people use almost everyday in their communication. This is not even 1% of information I share in my communication secrets program that teaches you how to become a charismatically persuasive people magnet. There is more to the advising barrier, four other solving barriers, and an additional seven judging and avoiding barriers people use to kill their relationships, reduce their persuasive power, and decrease their charisma.

If any of this resonates a message in your life, you’re sick of misunderstanding people, and you’re tired of people resisting your helpful advice, and you want to know the true way to change people, I encourage you to learn about my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program here.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Top 15 Dumb Mistakes People Make in Relationships
2. Just Be Yourself – Why It’s Bad Advice: Being Yourself is the Problem
3. Job Interview Advice to Ace Any Interview
4. Principles and Tips to Deal with Difficult People
5. The Decision Tree of Effective Leadership to Create Freedom and Independence

Our relationships often determine the sweetness of our lives. Just like the great fruit a lemon can be when it compliments other ingredients even when it might not be great with others, so is our relationships filled with the greats, the inevitable negatives, and despised break up.

The lessons I share in this article will not be easy to accept. If you are after tips like “go see a movie with friends” to avoid the dark, deep secrets of working through emotional pain, go read the hundreds of crap articles about this topic over the Internet. The lessons in this article are hardcore. I will show you true mental and emotional strategies to get over your ex so you are ready for independent happiness.

The Uniqueness About Your Situation

Not every break up is the same. Some create intense emotions of sadness, depression, and anger, while others are complete relief. I categorize relationship break ups into three groups:

1. You initiate the break up. This type of break up is the easiest. It will give you fewest troubles. Often the decision will make you happier than being in the relationship.
2. They initiate the break up. This is the hardest type of break up to manage. It is the main focus of this article.
3. Mutual break up. The rarest type of break up where both individuals often care how the other person feels about the decision. The two of you talk the process through and conclude splitting up is the best option. Reasoning, openness, and future plans are common.

When your ex decides to end the relationship, it is like a loved one passing away. Psychologists actually concur that a relationship break up is like experiencing grief. If we contrast grieving with a break up, in both cases you lose someone you loved and you’re unwilling to psychologically let them go.

As with death, break ups are a part of relationships and life. Death is inevitable. Break ups are inevitable. You need to firstly acknowledge relationships end all the time. As simple as that statement appears, do not mistake simplicity for power. Your ego blows personal problems out of perspective causing you to think what is common in the world is unique for you.

We think an ending relationship will be the end of our wellbeing. If you talk to a friend about getting over his or her relationship break up, however, you will not have this ego problem. You will see from a healthy perspective that break ups happen. This strategy is similar to disassociation where you look at your difficulty from an observer perspective. It is the first technique you can use to get over your ex.

You would be unable to experience the wonderful feelings you had with your recent ex if you stayed with your “ex ex”. The same can be said for your future partner. You will be unable to experience the wonderful times and emotions with them if you do not get over your broken relationship. It is as simple as that.

Deciding to get over a break up is often not that clear-cut. Sometimes you undergo a painful recurrent uncertainty when splitting up as you wonder if the two of you are actually apart. This leads us onto the golden rule to get over your ex.

The Golden Rule of Moving On From Your Ex

Once you have truly realized that break ups happen and, more importantly – that they will happen to you – tell yourself the golden rule of getting over a break up. Affirm and reaffirm to yourself, and internalize the belief, that you want to get over your ex. Why is this golden rule important?

Let’s put it this way. How often have you seen someone want to get over a break up yet they are resistant to actually breaking up with the person? It happens too often. You see them caught in the emotional turmoil, a tug-of-war game they can only lose.

What is even worse than being resistant to getting over the person, yet wanting to not get over them, is not being aware of the mental tug-of-war game. The internal conflict leaves you frustrated. You may think you have some weird psychological problem. You will be uncertain about getting back together as you unwilling move on and fail to fully enjoy life. When you want both lifestyles, you achieve neither. Commit to a decision.

If you have a choice to fly to Paris or Sydney, and you hesitate because you want to visit both cities, you will never make a decision and miss out on both cities. There is a Russian proverb that says, “If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.” By not being 100% clear with what you want (this goes for every other goal in life), you achieve little and remain frustrated. You become uncertain of yourself because you never critically think and investigate your feelings and thoughts to know your true desire.

You have to be certain of what you want. Do not destroy the golden rule. Ask yourself questions and be fully aware of what is making you resistant to emotionally releasing yourself from the person. You can ask yourself questions like, “What makes me still attracted to the person?” “Why can’t I get over him/her?” and “Am I just afraid of loneliness?”

Discover the cause of your emotional pain. I cannot emphasize that enough. People are unconscious of their emotional awareness in a break up and never know why they experience pain. Conduct an “investigation” making it your goal to discover as much about yourself as possible. Gather as much information about yourself from self-talk and other people to solve “the crime”.

(To additionally help you overcome this problem, I recommend you check out an article I have written titled “1. Principle of Influence: Commitment and Consistency” to discover a powerful influence that makes you stay in an unhappy relationship.)

You Can Decide What is Right

Maybe you are still uncertain of whether you should break up. There are simple actions you can take to see whether a break up is the better option.

Do not worry about going to university and studying a degree in psychology to understand when you’re in a bad relationship. There are clues you’re probably already aware of that hint your relationship is more like a lemon than lemonade. Ask yourself these practical questions:

• Are you and the other person feeling the same emotions as you were at the start of your relationship?
• Do the two of you share the same important values like religious beliefs?
• How often do you communicate with one another?
• When you do communicate, what things do you talk about?
• Do you enjoy being together?
• Do you perceive being single in a better light than being in a relationship?
• What causes the two of you to fight? Little things that show hostility or big problems like an affair?
• Do you have a fear of hurting the person? Why are you putting yourself through misery in not wanting to hurt the person?
• Are you in the relationship because of guilt or love?

Ask other people what they see and think about your relationship with the person. Take their opinions into account. Do not base your decision solely on what they think because the most important factor is how you feel.

Most women in bad relationships remain in them because they would rather be in a bad relationship than be alone. They feel comforted in awful relationships. They see married couples and envy their relationship. The thoughts about getting back together or just finding any guy then start racing through their mind.

Another common reason for remaining in a bad relationship is love. Are you using the excuse that your feeling of “love” is keeping you from breaking up? Love is an intoxicating emotion. It is blinding. Even if you think you still love the person, ask yourself the many questions above. The questions act as objective judges to the situation; contrasted to your subjective emotion of love that intoxicates your understanding of the situation.

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) teaches that people often fail to distinguish between various emotions. For example, excitement can be misunderstood as fear. How do you know that you feel love? Does your answers to the above questions sound like love to you? What specific events let you know you are in love? What physical responses do you have that let you know there is no love? Asking yourself these questions will make it crystal clear whether you really do experience love.

Even if you are sure you love the other person (remembering to be thinking objectively about this with the questions asked), love alone is not a good indicator of a good relationship. Love is not a relationship; it is an emotion. Without other aspects like time, happiness, and communication, what you feel is love does not comprehend a healthy relationship. Do not become intoxicated by affection, attraction, or love.

Remember that relationships can be repaired, of course, so do not conclude that you should break up just because things are sour at the moment. If you still have a relationship with this person where you can communicate, talk things over with your partner in a safe environment. Even if you are certain the relationship is over, ask yourself the list of above questions to reinforce your thoughts to fight away “what ifs” and “maybes” you might have in getting back with your ex.

Emotional Baggage Holds You Back

Emotional baggage occurs when you carry emotions from one relationship to another, much like you would carry a backpack as you travel from one destination to another. You carry it around because you fail to let go or you fear reliving emotional pain. It is easy to carry emotional baggage from one relationship to the next.

People protect themselves all the time in new relationships by withholding their full emotional selves from the relationship. They say things like, “I don’t want to get hurt again”, “I’m still hurting”, or “I’m not over it.”

There is no denying you can be damaged when you place trust in someone, yet holding yourself back makes you miss out on the joyful rewards of an intimate relationship. You forgo the risk of being hurt again when you protect yourself, but you also miss out on full happiness with your partner.

You do not have to quickly “dive into” a relationship. Solid relationships build over time. You can “dip your toes” into the relationship and gradually, but surely, immerse yourself. Gradually drop your emotional baggage onto the ground. Doing so will ensure you experience full intimacy that otherwise was unachievable with emotional baggage.

Take the Lessons with You

I am a firm believer that every person can learn a lesson from almost every person and situation. A relationship break up is no exception. You can learn vital lessons and experience personal growth instead of personal decay from your difficulty.

Your main goal in relationships is finding your perfect partner. Someone you can share love and feel connected in unison. You cannot achieve this with emotional baggage and failing to learn from your mistakes. It makes perfect sense to learn from a break up. I know you want to progress forward and find your ultimate partner; instead of remaining stuck in an old relationship where you waste time, intense emotions, and energy.

It is too easy to find the negative to strengthen negative beliefs instead of looking for the positive in a break up. This mindset is damaging as it causes a chain reaction of negative building on negative until you are completely emotionally unavailable. The negative reinforcement prevents you from becoming smarter and stronger for future relationships.

To learn from your experience, I recommend you take responsibility for what occurred. In many break ups, each person blames the other. Rarely is one person mutually agreed to have caused the split. Take responsibility and do not play the blame-game.

I can almost guarantee you did something seriously wrong in the relationship, which contributed to the break up – you just may be unaware of your contribution due to a lack of knowledge. Maybe you do not know how attraction works, how to effectively listen to your partner, or how to assert yourself to address a problem that concerns you. Can you see the powerful role you may have played in the break up?

It is important to know that getting over a break up is more than moving on; it involves learning from your past for a better future by accepting responsibility for what occurred. Look at the situation as a experience to learn from in your journey towards finding your ultimate partner.

Express It

There are many things you can do to get over a relationship break up, but one of the most important things to do is to have a support group. For most girls this will come easy. For guys, it will be difficult because society makes us think we are not masculine if we talk about our emotions.

If you are female, you can communicate to your closest friends and talk to your parents or brothers and sisters – provided these people will listen to help you get through this difficult time. Let them know you are only after a listening ear to avoid having them turn into an amateur psychologist (a term I use in my communication secrets program to describe a person’s inclination to judge and project solutions). By letting them know you want them to only listen, they will be more willing to “absorb” the pain you feel. You want a support person or group not for relationship advice, but to help you express yourself and feel your emotions.

As for guys, you can use the same principles, but chances are you will not want to talk to your guy friends about the break up. Remember that if it’s not expressed, it’s repressed. You need to have a support group or at least a support person. You will find that accepting your emotions and expressing them will allow you to heal. (If you are a guy, and simply want to get your girlfriend back, there is a good guide here.)

How to Move on From Pain: An Exercise to Heal You Now

By this stage we have clearly defined what you do and do not want to remove the confusion often created by a broken relationship. You have also learned about love, how to release emotional baggage, the importance of learning from the past, and how to safely express your pain.

Naomi Eisenberger, a University of California neuroscientist, discovered that the feeling of rejection in a break up switches on the same part of the brain as physical pain. The anterior cingulate receives an intense boost in activity. This is why a break up can be very painful. A punch in the nose is as threatening, according to your brain, as rejection in a break up.

Physical pain can be cured by a doctor. However, does a doctor actually heal your wounds? No. The doctor helps your body get into a state of healing so it can heal itself.

The pain you experience from the past is irreversible. There is nothing you can do about it. You need to put your mind and body into a state that allows it to heal itself. One way to achieve this is time, but I am sure you do not want to waste ten years of your life in pain.

Another option is seeing a therapist. Should you choose a therapist? It is up to you. There is no shame in therapy. All therapy works for different people in different situations. Even no therapy is therapy because time itself is therapeutic.

Before you decide to spend thousands of dollars on someone who will listen to your problems, I want you to do this exercise. The exercise I am about to share with you is powerful because it does not change the content of your experience. Your experience has happened. You cannot change it. What the exercise does change is the process. The exercise changes the attributions you make to the past and future.

Think of a pleasant experience or imagine a pleasant experience you would like to have in the future. See the image. As you see the image, make it larger. Make the image bigger, brighter, and clearer. Take your time as you see the image increase in size. Step into the image as if you were living it from a first person view. As the image changes, notice how you feel.

After you have done that, move the image in the opposite direction. Take your time doing the exercise. Gradually make the pleasant image smaller, dimer, unclear, and distant from you. Step out of the image as you observe yourself in the situation. Again, as the image changes, notice how you feel.

Once you have done that little exercise, how did you feel when the image is bright and large in size? How did you feel when the image was small, dim, and far away from you? Most people experience intense emotions when they see a bright, large image in first person. On the contrary, they experience little emotion when they see a small, dim, distant image. You can probably see how this will help you move on from a break up or any painful memory.

If you make unpleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making pleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling miserable! On the other hand, if you make pleasant images large, bright, and up close, while making unpleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will be an expert at feeling happy! Apply this concept to your relationships. Your unpleasant images are the break up movies you continually play in your mind, while your pleasant images are pleasurable events. (If you’re trying to forget good memories with your ex, you can make the images dim.)

Shrink the unpleasant images. See the images move away from you. Next, intensify the pleasure you want. Constantly feel, think, see, and even touch and smell pleasurable images. See yourself touch your wonderful surroundings. Imagine yourself with a big smile. Feel the joy within yourself. Think how great it will be to have overcome your break up. You will be able to get over your relationship much faster by intensely imagining your desired five senses.

It is Time to Make You Your World

Unfortunately for many people, their relationships determine their level of happiness. They do not burst with joy and happiness when single. When they are in a sour relationship, they become sour. It is a dependency trap. This neediness eventually deteriorates the relationship and scares away their partner.

Many individuals desperately want a partner. They think the person will solve personal problems like boredom, unhappiness, and feeling unattractive. If a person goes into a relationship like this, he or she will destroy it.

If you do not have a great single life where you wonder how to fit a relationship in, I question whether you should be in a relationship. You need to become your own source of energy and be in control of your emotions instead of being dependent on others for things like comfort, happiness, and emotional security. This view is the opposite perspective to a time-consuming, miserable, codependent relationship.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make a big change in your life right now. You could work harder to get a promotion, exercise, read self-help books, take a new course, socialize more often, or go out with friends. You need to create a single life where you are happily busy and question whether you want a relationship with someone. Such a great single life will attract a future partner for you.

I believe a break up can be one of the greatest things to happen to a person if they are aware of the potential held in the moment. Learn from the break up. If splitting up encourages you to undergo a lot of self-help, the change can excite you.

When life throws you a lemon with a bad relationship, do not try and divulge the lemon. Look at the lemon from a different perspective to see you can make lemonade. You may feel bitter right now, but follow the advice in this article and you will look at a break up from a more empowering perspective. Soon, you may even wonder why you were in a relationship because single life can be so great.

(If you are reading this article, single because of your recent break up, feeling a sense of depression, and still want to get back with your ex, pay attention to what I’m about to share with you before your ex finds someone else. For a full course to get back with the person you love, I highly recommend guys get this course while girls read and get this course.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. How and When to End a Long-Term Relationship
2. How to Manage Stress in Relationship Communication: Keep Calm with Scientific Stress Management
3. The Heart of Effective Communication: How to Love People
4. The Complete Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Process for Compassion, Understanding, and Peace
5. Finding the Art of Forgiveness: How to Forgive and Be Forgiven

Delegation transfers the decision-making process to someone else. It is simply the transference of responsibility to another person. It allows you to get more done in less time than if you tried to do the activity yourself. You must learn this skill because time disallows you to do what you want done.

This article is beyond business to help you empower anybody to make decisions on their own while not subjecting them, or anyone else, to emotional pain. You will learn how to avoid turning yourself into a cantankerous, controlling individual while still getting things done.

You do not need to be a manager running a department or leader guiding a team for delegation to be useful. Too frequently we fail to say “no” to the flood of requests, which makes us overwhelmed. Effective decision-making skills given to you in the decision tree of leadership allows you to establish responsibility in people without you controlling them.

The ability to create self-reliance in people is one of the most empowering skills you can develop. You will bring out the best in people, they will feel powerful, and they will not feel burdened by your control. Whenever you transfer responsibility and other duties, under safe circumstances, that lead to feelings of importance in people, you increase your personal magnetism and make people like you. With that said, let’s move onto describing the decision tree of leadership.

The Decision Tree of Leadership – A Model Used by Great Leaders

Since reading Dr. Maxwell Maltz’s The New Psycho-cybernetics and Michael Hall’s Mind-lines, I realize how powerful metaphors are to learn and implement a skill. To overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed, Maxwell Maltz provides a powerful metaphor and visualization of an hourglass. No matter how much sand is in the timer, the sand only pours through the funnel grain by grain. One by one gets things done.

When we create a metaphor that is similar to a problem, we draw associations and learn something new from old information. It is abductive thinking, a creative process whereby “what could be” generates new ideas. Symbols are used to indirectly mean something else. What this means for you in layman’s terms is your knowledge about a tree has the potential to help you better empower people, free up your time, and get them to like you!

Think of a simple tree. Each day decisions are made to keep it green and healthy. For the purpose of this metaphor, we categorize a tree into four parts: 1) roots, 2) trunk, 3) branches, and 4) leafs. From the ground upwards, we have:

Roots: Root decisions have the most potential to hurt an individual, group, or organization. They are made from a lot of input and consultation with others. Once an outcome is determined to be the best, the person responsible makes the root decision. Each person is kept up-to-date with the results of the decision.

Trunk: After roots are the tree’s trunk. Trunk decisions have the potential to hurt an individual, group, or organization like root decisions, though to a lesser extent. A trunk decision can take into account other people’s input, but the ultimate decision is made by the person in charge. Who is in charge depends on who can initiate or omit the action. A parent can be in charge, but a trunk decision for the teen in deciding to find a job is made by their teenager. The outcome of trunk decisions should be reported immediately.

Branches: Branch decisions are very similar to trunk decisions. The main difference is the timeliness of the decision. A branch decision does not have to be reported immediately once the decision is made. The person making the decision can take action immediately without other people’s suggestions. A teen deciding to get a job is a trunk decision, not a branch decision, because the teen is the one who acts on the decision while his or her parents are influenced by the decision.

Leafs: Leaf decisions are clear and simple. Sometimes the person has faced and solved similar problems in the past. A leaf decision is the outer-most and highest level of decision-making a person can achieve. It involves making a decision and acting on it without consulting anyone. Unlike other parts of the tree that require the input of others, leaf decisions are pure independence. The person who makes the leaf decision does not report to upper management or notify someone what has been done.

The foundation of a tree is its roots. Without its roots a tree will quickly die. After roots is the tree’s trunk. Tree trunks are important in maintaining the tree’s strength. Next, the trunk leads to many branches. The branches of a tree shape how it looks. They need to be maintained. Lastly, leafs grow from branches. Should a leaf or branch die, the whole tree does not suffer. If the roots or trunk of the tree sustain serious injury, however, the livelihood of the tree is jeopardized.

In terms of decision-making, a leaf decision does not mean it is less important than a trunk decision. Rather, it explains the ramifications of the decision. Leafs can die while the whole tree lives. A tree dies when its roots die. This is the most important metaphor to understand in the model. Your family should not suffer because you made a leaf decision that is actually a root decision, like buying your next house, on behalf of your family.

The decision tree of leadership does not takeaway a person’s ability to impact his or her family, marriage, friends, or organization. It encourages leadership while maintaining a finger tip of control. We hate being controlled and having to report everything we do to a superior. The decision tree of leadership creates freedom and empowers people to become responsible and influential. The outcome of a leaf decision can still be life-changing.

Any teenager or employee at some time experiences a shift in self-reliance where their dependence on people change. Teens desperately want freedom from their parents while employees wish their overbearing bosses would release them from their controlling grasp. A male teen wants to become his own person, but you and I know that giving someone pure independence is not a safe choice. Mistakes get made and people get hurt. The decision tree of leadership provides you with a lovely conceptual understanding of empowering another person so you grant a person their desired level of independence – while at the same time, you avoid being seen as a grumpy controlling onlooker.

In intimate adult relationships, I often see something called “child-parent dependency”. Child-parent dependent relationships have one individual termed the “child” who complies with the other individual termed the “parent”. The parent dictates who does what and who goes where. When an important decision needs to be made by the child, the person consults the parent on the problem or shifts all responsibility back to the parent. The child of the relationship can hate being told what to do, but he or she will find an excuse to avoid the task whether through silence, avoidance, or forgetfulness because the child lacks assertive skills to solve the control issue. Child-parent dependency can be helped through the establishment of self-reliance with the decision tree of leadership. This is one of the many benefits of the decision tree.

The Six Strengths of the Decision Tree

A group, namely an organization, that follows the decision tree of leadership will benefit for several reasons. Firstly, employees frequently voice their pain about not having the power to implement actions they are responsible for. To change, grow, or conduct a simple daily activity, an employee monitored from their boss’ hawk-eye requires their superior’s approval. If you want employees or members of a group to enjoy what they are doing and feel a sense of pride, ownership, and responsibility, you need to empower them with the decision tree of leadership.

The second strength of the decision tree of leadership is the clarity it establishes. Defining the level of authority establishes clear boundaries and expectations. If you lack expectations and clarity, you are more likely to blame someone else for a problematic result upon making a decision. When expectations are made clear that empower an individual, the individual knows what is expected of him or her and works to achieve those expectations. We want to make an impact and we need to know where it is we can make our mark.

The third strength is the personal and professional development the model builds in an individual. Communicate the decision tree of leadership to an appropriate person in your group and they will develop self-reliance and confidence. They become motivated to grow and work towards more leaf decisions.

The fourth strength is it increases the likelihood of good decisions. Mistakes often originate from inexperience and a lack of knowledge. A primary reason we make decisions for others is our lack of faith in the person’s decision-making skills. Parents that control their teenager’s life act from fear over their teenager’s supposed inability to make correct life decisions. A lot of unnecessary conflict can be reduced. The decision tree of leadership teaches people to swim in shallow water before venturing into the deep end. Once they get out to the deep end, they know no one is holding their hand, which makes it all the more satisfying.

The fifth strength is the resources it frees up. People higher in the hierarchy do not get bothered by problems people lower in the hierarchy can solve. The model gets people making more leaf decisions. Managers and executives are left with time that can be used to make more impacting decisions.

The sixth strength, and one of the most powerful reasons for using the decision tree of leadership, is the large amount of personal accountability created by the model. A lack of personal accountability causes the blame-game and the involved group to not move forward as they fail to learn from past mistakes. The decision tree clearly empowers people to make decisions, which leads to accountability. “The driving force behind any and all successful programs, initiatives and companies is accountability,” writes Gary Horsfall in a paper titled Accountability: The Force Behind Empowerment. “It is not possible in an environment where people feel that they have little or no control over their own destiny.”

Your Action Plan

Now you are aware of the decision tree of leadership and the power it has to transform an organization or similar group, I am going to share with you a quick step-by-step process for implementing the method. Next, I will provide some real-life examples of what decisions fit into which category of the model. Lastly, I will finish the article with an exercise to help you use the method as I want to help you go from intellectualizing the information to behavioral change and results.

To start using the method, you firstly want to mention a new method you have learned that will improve the family, organization, or team. They may not care what you have learned so you need to tune them into their favorite radio station, WIIFM (what’s in it for me). Tell them if they give the method a shot, they will develop more freedom, independence, and personal power. No one will say “no” to that!

Next, explain the decision tree to the person (or just email them the link to this page). Once you have done that, ask the person what categories their most common decisions fall under. Are they leaf, branch, trunk, or root decisions? Mutually working out a solution here is the secret to its ongoing implementation. When we make a choice on our own, instead of being forced into a choice, we stand by it stronger and for longer.

The Decision Tree of Leadership in Action

Okay, now to provide a few examples of the decision categories. I will use a teenager and a parent to demonstrate the decision tree because the majority of people should relate to and understand the example. As you read the examples, keep in mind that the decisions made by one family or an organization will be differently categorized for different families or organizations. Individuals have different personality characteristics and situations vary.

In this example, Julie is a parent to her teenager Sam. A leaf decision for Sam could be what he decides to do in his spare time. He has shown in the past that he does not need to be “babied around” in his free time. Though, you can probably see that this leaf decision could also be a branch decision. For example, Sam may need his mother’s permission for her to drive him to the local sports field.

A branch decision for Sam could be deciding what University to attend. While some parents control their child’s education more so than others because of price and other variables that differ between countries, the university Sam decides must fit in with what he wants. Once he has made the decision, it would be helpful for his family and parents to know his decision as soon as possible, though he is not required to tell them immediately. Sam can ask for other’s opinions as to what they think about the issue, but the decision is for Sam to make.

One possible trunk decision for Sam is housework. Julie gives Sam a moderate amount of freedom to choose what chores he wants to do. Sam is influenced, not controlled, by his mother’s input into the decision. Whether Sam does or avoids the chores, his final decision affects his family to a minor extent.

A root decision for Sam could be borrowing his parent’s car. The implications of taking his parent’s car without permission greatly affects Sam’s family. One possible affect is them being stuck at home with no means of transport to get somewhere important. Safety is also an issue because Sam’s parents would be concerned for his whereabouts.

It can be tough to decide whether a decision is a leaf or branch, branch or trunk, trunk or root decision, but it does not matter. Not every decision fits perfectly in the model – it does not need to. You can be imprecise. It is a model to help you – not one you must live by. In this model, close enough is good enough provided you have mutual agreement.

To implement the decision tree of leadership in your family, organization, or other group, here is a simple exercise to do. Over the next week, write down your most common branch, trunk, and root decisions. Leaf decisions can probably be ignored because there may be too many of them to write down. Once you write down your common decisions in the categories, you will see what areas you, or other people, are independent in and how your many decisions affects other group members. The exercise will help categorize and track what is going on.

The grand purpose of the decision tree is to establish freedom and personal growth. We hate being controlled and made to feel like a caged animal at the zoo. The decision tree of leadership empowers people to make decisions they would like to make or once could not make. Follow the decision tree of leadership to nurture growing, healthy relationships free from the constriction of thorns of controlling individuals.

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Review of Create Your Own Future by Brian Tracy
2. Review of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
3. The Heart of Effective Communication: How to Love People
4. The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom
5. Review of The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking by Dale Carnegie

In the first three parts of the course you learned the power of apologizing, common mistakes and barriers in apologizing, and how to correctly apologize. We have nearly covered all you need to know for a successful apology to heal relationships from pain. In this part, it is time to learn the art of forgiveness to build the roof of emotional freedom to protect, empower, and encapsulate what you have learned in this course.

Let’s look at how apologizing and forgiveness work together. Up until now in the course, we have focused on apologizing and emotional healing. What do you do if a person is unwilling to forgive? Are there certain communication skills you can use to help the person forgive you or should you move on instead and accept the person’s unwillingness to forgive you as their problem? How can we forgive others and start experiencing more happiness, success, and enjoyable relationships as a result of forgiveness?

The Ugly Duckling: Dealing With Unforgiveness and the Odd One Out

There once was an ugly duckling who felt unrelated to his brothers and sisters. His difference frustrated him. While his brothers and sisters were a lovely white color, he was the odd one out with gray-colored feathers. To make him more different, he was large and clumsy. One day the duckling had enough of being rejected so he ran away from home.

One year later, the once ugly duckling – now a young swan – saw many white swans swimming in a pond. The young swan admired their beauty, waiting to be rejected like the other times in his life. To his surprise, the swans welcomed the young swan as part of their group. They declared him to be the most beautiful swan of them all.

Over the years I’ve come to notice that while there are laws and principles that govern how to get the most out of communication, quite a few times an ugly duckling exists. This ugly duckling is the exception to the group. I will read, learn, apply, change, and reapply skills in my life; yet there always appears to be the exception when a skill doesn’t work – a reaction doesn’t take place, for example, or words aren’t received the right way.

There are skills you can use to get a desired response, to get people doing what you want, and to build healthy relationships, but the skills often have an exception like the ugly duckling. Psychology is about categorization and understanding, but even psychologists know they cannot categorize humans. With the complexity of human behavior, it is impossible to establish unbreakable skills that work every time. The ugly duckling for you right now could be the person who is unwilling to forgive you or the circumstance where you are unwilling to forgive.

There will always be people who never accept your apology and refuse to forgive you. If you have planned, taken responsibility, used good timing, explained yourself, and sympathized (as taught in the earlier lesson on how to correctly apologize) and the person does not forgive you, move on. You can only do so much. I still encourage you to put the following skills to use that will help the person find forgiveness, but be prepared to move on and not expect anything in return. Life is too short to be burdened by people’s miseries and resentment.

Provided you’ve done everything in your power and the person is yet to forgive, the person’s unforgiveness is his or her problem. He or she will be burdened by the grudge more than you. Moreover, if you move on, the person maybe willing to accept your apology at a later time.

Where’s Your Awareness?

It is easy to blame others for not doing something they should have done, but this is an illusion. We all think, feel, and behave the best we possibly can at any point in time. Whether you lose a peaceful attitude as you lash out in an argument or miss an easy goal in soccer, hockey, or football, you always achieve your best. You may feel you could have done better in past situations, but the truth is: you did your best.

I once struggled to agree with this principle. When I learned this the first time, I was astounded and felt compelled to disagree with it due to my conditioning from sport coaches, family, and others who use to tell me, “Come on. You can do better than that!” This is partly true.

Your best performance is based on your present level of awareness. A sports coach who revs up his players about not doing their best is still right, yet this is misinterpreted. The sports coach who yells at his players stimulates a new awareness that they are not trying their hardest. While the players underperformed, they still did their best. What the coach does is create a new awareness in the players, which allows them to do better than their prior performance.

Applying this law of awareness to our communication and relationships, we have different perceptions, understandings, and experiences – which forms our current awareness – than one another. This creates conflict as someone gets frustrated over someone else not having similar awareness.

Forgiveness and healing is impossible if one’s level of awareness is not high enough. No one can act beyond their present awareness. Awareness applies in being conscious of the fault at hand and knowing the art of forgiveness. A greater awareness can be created from learning the skills and mindset one must have to forgive, which leads to problem identification and a solution.

Someone may not forgive you because they are unaware of the secret art of forgiveness you are discovering in this article. By shifting their awareness, you can transition them into forgiveness, opening their mind with what could occur from emotional healing.

Effects of Not Forgiving

Forgiveness is not limited to religion (though religious individuals probably see a lot similarities and power with the advice in this article). Forgiving others and giving an effective apology to be forgiven creates emotional freedom – one reason forgiveness is seen by many in spiritual terms.

The root of evil, negative actions, grudges, anger, resentment, hatred, and envy begin with unforgiveness. It may seem religious to you, but rejecting someone else’s apology and not forgiving them leads to these effects. Anger is not bad, for example, but you can easily feel angry by resenting something from the past.

Should not forgive someone over one issue, there is enough potential in the resentment and anger generated from that problem to damage your life. That’s right. Just one, single, solo, individual, lone grudge is enough to ruin someone’s life. You can live in anger, misery, and resentment because one grudge causes other things in your life to crumble around you.

To demonstrate how one issue can damage a person’s whole life, I’ll use an example many people struggle to handle: their upbringing. You may have never talked about this problem with anybody your entire life. You may have been abused by your parents at an early age or perhaps they made some wrong decisions that negatively affected you. Let’s say you have experienced such a problem from your parents.

The mistake they (or your mother or father alone) made hurts you deeply, generating severe emotional pain. You hold this mistake against your parents. Even though you forgive everybody else – and your parents on other problems – you cannot forgive your parents for this one problem. Though you are now someone who forgives everyone because you have learned from this course that you need to forgive others, you have been unable to forgive your parents for how they raised you. As a result, you constantly live in anger and resentment. One issue is enough to make your entire life unhappy.

You cannot afford to let this happen by not forgiving others. Do not be that person who cannot forgive. Clear your mind by clearing the other person’s slate of mistakes. Forgive every person, on every issue, every time – or suffer the negative effects of resentment. To do this, there is one principle in the secret art of forgiveness I live by that changed my life and will change yours as it allows you to forgive others over issues you thought were insurmountable.

The Secret Art of Forgiveness – Whose Canvas is It?

I believe there is one true life-changing secret in finding the art of forgiveness. There is one mindset that changed my life forever and allowed me to start forgiving, healing pain, overcoming problems, letting go, eliminating the blame-game from my life, and truly getting on with life.

Are you interested in creating a master piece by forgiving others? Are you ready to begin painting your life and taking control of how you feel? Are you willing to no longer let the past mistakes of other people make you angry, frustrated, and resentful? Are you interested in teaching others how they can apply this secret art of forgiveness so they can forgive you?

When you do not forgive, you probably think your resentment hurts the person who hurt you. You hold unhappiness and painful memories against people who inflicted pain on you in an effort to reciprocate their damage.

The art of forgiveness lies in knowing your hurtful attachment to the past does people no harm – it only hurts your wellbeing. Throw your grudges on the ground by acknowledging that what you do to make people unhappy only makes you unhappy. The gun you fire is off target and the recoil blasts into your face. You are not messing up somebody’s piece of art; you are scribbling on your masterpiece. Once you acknowledge the resentment you hold hurts you more than it hurts others, you change your life.

You can only forgive someone when you make the choice to be happy instead of right. If you see the person as having done wrong and you are right, you will forever be tied to painful emotions. The art of forgiveness is not about who is right and who is wrong – it is about making the choice of happiness over righteousness. Only then do you become free from a painful past. You will at last paint your life the way you want.

Forgiving a person does not “let them off the hook”. It doesn’t mean you accept or condone the person’s behavior, or trust the person. What forgiveness does mean is a clean future in the face of a dirty past. In part three of this course I said:

“If another person holds the bitter memories and resentment of your mistake against you, the person has not forgiven. It is almost humanly impossible, however, to forget another’s mistake. Forgiveness heals the past releasing ill will against the person. Not forgetting provides a memory of the pain that guides future actions. Forgiveness and forgetting are closely knit together, yet define entirely different things.

“An apology is successful when it is accepted and the mistake no longer is held against you. The person may not forget your mistake, but he or she forgives you and no longer resents you for the mistake or uses it to manipulate you. Resentment, frustration, anger, gossip, bitterness, ill will, and other outward manifestations of hatred are erased upon a successful apology. Someone with these emotions possibly signals the person has yet to forgive.”

Forgiveness is not easy, but by acknowledging the only person you hurt with resentment is yourself, you relinquish pain and relish the happiness you were born to experience – which may lead the person to forgive you for your mistakes.

If someone is yet to forgive you, make sure you have entirely forgiven them then communicate that you thought you were hurting them by not forgiving, but you only hurt yourself. What you are doing with this technique is educating the person in an indirect manner about the art of forgiveness so your passive advice is not rejected. It will increase the person’s awareness of forgiveness so they more likely accept your apology and forgive you. “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love,” said Robert Muller, a well-known advocate of world peace. “In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

More Materials to Create the Art of Forgiveness

The information I have given so far is enough to help some people forgive others, apologize, and encourage others to forgive, but here are additional sources and tips to find the art of forgiveness:

• Check out the many powers of apologizing. Doing this will create massive amounts of pleasure to motivate yourself to apologize, forgive, and free yourself from resentment.
• “I know what you said Josh, but I can’t forgive my enemies. What do I do?” You only hurt yourself when you fail to forgive. You don’t have to forget the past, but you need to release resentment. Cry about it to purge resentment. You hurt enemies more by forgiving them than bottling up your resentment. Nothing makes your enemies more satisfied than seeing you beat yourself over an issue you inaccurately think hurts them. Oscar Wilde was quoted in saying, “Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.”
• We are full of mistakes. Acknowledging this helps you see someone’s mistake as them being a typical human. A mistake-filled life is natural so we all need forgiveness to heal our past.
• Are your expectations of the person too high? Expectations determine satisfaction. If your expectations in the person are too high, you set yourself for a hard fall. Unreasonable expectations lead to unreasonable circumstances where it can be difficult to forgive the person for not meeting your expectations.

As you apply parts of the course, the skills will become more natural to you. Where you once would hide beneath your pride, guilt, or resentment as you fail to apologize and forgive, you will now create emotional freedom. Even when an ugly duckling arrives in your life, you can now forgive and encourage others to forgive.

People you apologize to will feel loved by you from the open communication. You will experience happiness and inner peace, freeing yourself from guilt, anger, resentment, and other forms of bitterness. You will at last take advantage of the powers of apologizing. Put away your pride, bring out your apologies, and forgive people.

Links to all four parts of this course, “Freeing Yourself From Mistakes and Pain: A Four Part Course On Apologizing and Emotional Freedom”:

1. Power of Apologizing
2. Barriers and Mistakes in Apologizing
3. How to Correctly Apologize
4. Finding the Art of Forgiveness: How to Forgive and Be Forgiven

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. The Power of Apologizing
2. How to Correctly Apologize
3. Barriers and Mistakes in Apologizing
4. The Heart of Effective Communication: How to Love People
5. Getting Over a Relationship Break Up

To begin the course, what is your reaction to learning about apologizing and forgiveness? Take a few seconds to think about it.

Once you’ve answered that simple question, you’re probably unwilling to learn more if you’re like most people. This is the unfortunate reality we face with most new topics we learn. We assume a shallow understanding of a powerfully deep topic. A closed mind literally steals our ability to grasp new powerful information to change our lives.

Why do people avoid learning about apologizing when it has tremendous powers? I believe many people think like this for three reasons:

1. They think they know how to apologize. Just like the many people who have yet to start learning effective communication skills, so are these people with apologizing. They think they have the necessary skills, but in reality their thoughts blind themselves from opportunities to improve their lives and relationships. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you “know it all”. When you say you know what is right, you use the number one technique to destroy learning: ignorance. You close your mind because it’s too full to accommodate further information.
2. They think it isn’t relevant enough. These people think apologizing is not worth it and a waste of time to learn. Like point one, you need to be aware of, and willing to learn, what topics such as apologizing can really do for your life.
3. They are too lazy. These people cannot be bothered to learn. Hopefully, you don’t fit in this category. But if you do, there’s nothing I can do about it. It is your choice and your life. Don’t blame other people for the events in your life because of your decision to avoid responsibility for who you become.

These excuses to avoid emotional healing are sadly limiting because we always make mistakes. Mistake after mistake. It doesn’t stop. Your mistakes will never stop. I’m not only talking about physical accidents, but mistakes we make with our relationships. We say things that hurt others. We can be ignorant in loving our family. We can be emotionally blind to those in need.

Take a momentary leap of faith to expand your awareness and grasp the powers of apologizing and forgiveness to free yourself from mistakes and pain. Accept a level of awareness and openness to change. Having done this, you have two decisions to make in dealing with your mistakes.

Firstly, you need reduction. You will never eliminate mistakes, but you can reduce the number by learning more about yourself and developing your communication like you’re doing with my newsletter, articles, and this course. Characters in Soap Operas are the worst role models to learn from to improve your communication because the characters continue to screw up, fight, make up, and repeat the process (it is drama after all). Communicate more effectively to avoid relationship blunders that create emotional pain.

Secondly, you need to cope. Because of the first, you will always be making mistakes that hurt people. Learn to live with your mistakes as they will always exist. Coping can be ignorance or passive acceptance, but for our purpose it is learning to better manage ourselves with inevitable events.

Because the first decision of reduction is an ongoing process achieved through continual learning, this course focuses on the coping component of emotional healing. One of the best ways to do this to experience a more enjoyable life is through an apology. A successful apology is not just saying “sorry” – it is a radical movement from pain to empowerment.

What Happens When You Fail to Apologize

A large barrier faces each of us in emotional healing: the difficulty of an apology. We get ensnared in thoughts about ourselves by holding onto pride. We can be selfish and not willing to admit our most obvious mistakes. Pride eats away at us as we argue or, at the other end of the continuum, ignore the mistake to defend even an obvious wrongdoing. Pride ensnares us in its cage of lies as we defend our self-centered minds, ignoring guilt that would restore harmony.

It has happened to me. I once had too much pride and selfishness to apologize to a loved one I hurt. When I did want to apologize, I couldn’t bring myself to face the person. The result was a hurt relationship and less happiness for me because I ignored the guilt that could have lead me to apologizing, forgiveness, and emotional restoration.

In shifting the focus on apologizing away from you, what does avoiding an apology do to other people? They feel hurt that you are unwilling to communicate your mistake. They lose trust in you as you hide behind your mistake. They become angry towards you, wondering why you will not tell them the truth. They may begin to counter your lack of apologies by not apologizing themselves as the relationship goes downhill with the two of you get caught in a power struggle.

Communicate your mistakes. Show your guilt. Tell the person how bad you feel. A mistake you make is like a scratch on the skin – by not apologizing you deepen the wound and rub salt into it. Stop hurting the other person and yourself, and learn to apologize. There is real power in apologizing and emotional healing.

Powerful Benefits in Apologizing

If you feel I haven’t given you enough reasons to start apologizing already, here are more reasons and the amazing power of apologizing:

1. The healing process begins when you apologize. This is the most powerful benefit of apologizing. People hold grudges and resentment against those who fail to apologize and admit their mistakes. By apologizing, you put yourself on the same wavelength as those hurt by your mistakes. You see the wrongdoing they see in you. Their resentment diminishes as they become more capable of moving on and freeing themselves from the past.
2. While emotional healing in other people can be initiated from apologizing, it can also start self-healing as you feel free from your past burdens. The next time you apologize, notice how free it feels to admit your wrongdoing. It is liberating to set yourself free from guilt that would otherwise plague you for days, weeks, and sometimes years to come. Don’t let yourself become a person who’s past weighs them down until the day they die.
3. When you admit your mistakes and reveal your weaknesses, people are more willing to copy you. People feel safe when you admit your wrongdoings. Their courage builds to practice the power of apologizing because they see it is the better choice to follow. Apologizing produces guilt in people for the better. They may become aware of their mistake, which produces guilt and possibly leads them to an apology. Apologizing has a chain-reaction effect.
4. We are all extremely flawed. If we were cars, we’d breakdown every 50 miles. We always make mistakes regardless of our intentions to do good. Apologies are necessary to balance our lives.
5. If someone hurts you, it is justice to have them apologize to you. For some reason this is not the case when we hurt someone. The hurting person desires your sympathy as much as you desire their sympathy when they hurt you.
6. Apologizing gives back what you took. You restore the victim’s feeling of worthiness and self-esteem. They no longer feel burdened nor responsible for your mistake. This benefit of apologizing is especially true in children.
7. By having complete responsibility for your actions, you possess an enormous amount of self-control. You don’t become a victim of others. You stop blaming people for what you can control. You become your own person. You create your own destiny.
8. A sincere apology shows effort in a relationship. It shows you care for the person. That’s an entire different approach to avoiding mistakes in an attempt to “secretly get by”. By not apologizing you sweep dirt under a rug. An avoided problem is likely to reappear and bite you when you least expect it – at the worst possible time.
9. You build courage and become a confident person. When apologizing and asking for forgiveness, you rise above the destructive compulsion to avoid remorse. You no longer cover up your behavior, you have brought it into the light. This takes courage! Your new-found courage will roll into other areas of your life as you begin to address other difficult issues you have avoided in the past.

Who would have thought there is this much power in apologizing! In fact, there is a lot more to emotional healing than what has been discussed. There is true power in freeing yourself from the past with emotional healing. Be sure to read the rest of this free course to receive the many powers of apologizing.

Links to all four parts of this course, “Freeing Yourself From Mistakes and Pain: A Four Part Course On Apologizing and Emotional Freedom”:

1. Power of Apologizing
2. Barriers and Mistakes in Apologizing
3. How to Correctly Apologize
4. Finding the Art of Forgiveness: How to Forgive and Be Forgiven

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Barriers and Mistakes in Apologizing
2. Finding the Art of Forgiveness: How to Forgive and Be Forgiven
3. Review of Voice Power by Renee Grant-Williams
4. Review of The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
5. Change Your Words to Change People: Persuasive Power Words