What then is social etiquette and why must you learn these hidden tips your parents never taught you?

I believe society developed social etiquette rules over time to ensure its smooth functioning and pleasure of people. Etiquette matters to you because it is core to get work, make friends, and well, fit in. Children need it for the same reasons. Anyone with poor social etiquette creates awkward moments with people shrieking at each other wishing the rule-breaker to vanish. Even when you gain nothing, good etiquette is virtuous. It makes the world a better place.

Rules of social etiquette stem from two qualities: respect and empathy. Smile at someone you meet (respect). Apologize for knocking into a stranger to show displeasure with yourself (empathy). Introduce unmet friends to one another so they are not left alone (respect and empathy). Check with the public transport passenger beside you if your music is too loud (respect and empathy).

When you find yourself lost at restaurant, meeting someone new, or feeling out of your league in a wealthy environment, do that which entails respect and empathy. You will be sensitive to the feelings of others to charm men and women.

Specific guidance helps so I have a monstrous list of 89 tips for you in a variety of situations from meeting people to etiquette in business and public transport. A lot of the social etiquette rules shared below are in Emily Post’s Etiquette. It is a 900-page authority resource on general etiquette I read and encourage you to get if etiquette interests you.

Onwards to the 89 social etiquette rules and tips you may have never learned from your parents:

When Meeting People

1. Acknowledge people you know. Whether it is a head nod, wave, or “Hello”. The fundamental of good social manners when meeting people is responding to their presence.
2. Hold your drink and other objects in your left-hand to keep your right-hand free for handshakes.
3. Stand when you greet someone. Especially obey this etiquette rule when meeting someone for the first time. Don’t stress if it’s difficult to stand like when a baby is in your lap. When you are unable to stand, leaning forward can be a substitute to show interest.
4. Once you stand to meet someone, smile and offer your hand to the person for a handshake. It’s a simple way to make a good first impression.
5. When meeting close friends and family of the opposite sex, you can kiss them on their right cheek. Move straight-in and kiss on their right-side to stop head bumps. Whether a kiss is acceptable or not may change across cultures.
6. Greet a family member and anyone staying in your home when you see them for the first time in the day. A simply acknowledgment like “Hey” and “Good morning” can make the home a more pleasant place to live.
7. Introduce two people to each other if they have not met. Letting your girlfriend stand awkwardly smiling amongst your friends will have her leave you in no time.
8. If you are introducing two people to each other, look at the person you are introducing someone to. So if you are introducing Jane to Dad, look at Dad when saying, “Dad, I’d like you to meet Jane.”
9. When groups of people are involved in an introduction, share attention. Look equally at those you introduce and talk about each person as much as the other. Ranting on about Jane in her introduction then saying, “Oh, this is Tara” is not cool. This etiquette rule is especially true for couples when you habitually ignore the person you know less about.
10. Start a conversation when introducing people. Add information so the couple can start chatting without your presence. “Dad, Jane loves coffee maybe as much you.” “Tom’s brother actually lives in the area.” “Steve just moved from north of us and started working here.”
11. When you are introduced to others, listen carefully for their names. If you forget, be courteous by saying, “I’m sorry, I forgot your name. What was it again?”
12. For self-introductions, share your name first rather than ask for their name. People will share their name after you say yours. Disclosure in conversations is often reciprocated.
13. Use people’s names how they were shared in the introduction. Don’t call Alexander “Tony”, “bud”, or “honey”.
14. If you do not know how to pronounce someone’s name, ask them or someone who knows before you need to say it. If it’s too late, apologize for your mispronunciation then practice to correct yourself.
15. Do not break eye contact from the group in an introduction. Looking in the distance tells the person you are meeting that you prefer to be with someone else. As the conversation continues, you’re allowed to break more eye contact. Too much broken eye contact at anytime shows disinterest – a common relationship mistake.
16. For every arrival, there is a departure. Make your departure more gracious than a “bye”. Wind down the conversation. You can sum up a key point of the conversation (“I’ll make sure to get the report to you by Monday to prevent further hassle”), reference a private joke from the conversation (“Next time we meet, I hope you’ve figured out how to use the mower!”), or appreciate the person and the conversation (“Well, Andrea, I’ve got to get going but I’ve enjoyed talking with you”). For a complete guide to leave a lasting impression on people, discover the five ways to make a great last impression in Big Talk.

Conversation Etiquette

Do your conversations build relationships and make others enjoy being with you? Or do people want to run when faced by conversation with you? Good conversation etiquette with the following tips will have others happy to be in your presence.

Rules of social etiquette stem from respect and empathy.

17. Adjust your language, stories, jokes, and opinions to who you talk with. You are a cool guy to your friends, but telling your boss, “see ya dude”, will make him feel disrespected. The best socialites understand different people need different conversations. If you can get along with kids, the elderly, the homeless, and the wealthy, you are great with this conversational etiquette rule.
18. Be gracious when someone could feel embarrassed. Graciousness is the art of being kind and gentle. The best way I’ve found to be gracious is placing the burden on myself. Did someone forget your name? “Don’t worry. I’ve forgotten half the people’s names in this room already. My name is Josh.” Did the person trip over a cable? “Uh, hope you’re okay. I should really have covered that up so an accident doesn’t happen.” Graciousness will make you an angel to those in your presence.
19. Do not hold the conversation on yourself or what only matters to you. Talking about the health care system to a doctor is not your chance to seek a 10-minute health consultation for an ailment. Good conversationalists talk about their experiences and share their opinions, but they also ask questions about the person, expand on what others share, and show interest in what people say.
20. Share the speaking spotlight. If you have talked for a couple minutes without comments or input from others, you are hogging attention. Your conversational partner wants you to be quiet for a moment.
21. Let people finish what they want to say. This is the traditional conversation etiquette rule of “do not interrupt”.
22. When in a group, talk to everyone. Do not talk only to the hot girl you want to impress. It also means making the subject of conversation suitable for everyone. Telling a group about your latest Spiderman figurine that only your mate cares about is not socially suave.
23. Learn how to say no to politely decline requests and invitations. Refrain from a courteous no when you want to say no to create false expectations, persistent requests, or even conflict.
24. Do not participate in gossip or criticism. When someone gossips, Emily Post advises you to say, “But, Jim, Amanda says such nice things about you.” If the person ignores your attempt to steer the conversation away from gossip, say, “Let’s get off that subject.” If the rudeness continues, leave.
25. Researchers advise to keep a minimum distance of 60 cm (24 in) from conversational partners to stay out of their personal space. Even a kind word said one-foot away can be offensive.

Want a complete system to talk and make friends with anyone? You need more than etiquette tips when you are shy and have no idea what to say. I suggest you check out my full step-by-step guide called the Big Talk Training Course.

Everyday Circumstances

Whether you walk the streets or browse the shops, there is a right way to behave in everyday circumstances. These social etiquette tips mostly help you blend-in.

26. Prepare to behave differently than normal. Many etiquette articles advise you to be yourself, but I think “just be yourself” is bad advice. The people with the best social etiquette adapt to situations and people by understanding the rules of social etiquette shared in this article. What feels natural may not reflect social etiquette.
27. Keep your voice down. If someone has a loud voice, talk quietly to them – even whisper – and they will clue in then lower their voice.
28. Do not swear. If you must, find a PG-rated alternative on Thesaurus.com for your favorite four-letter word.
29. Arrive to parties and other events on time. Being late regardless of an excuse hints that you care little about those you meet.
30. Hold doors for people behind you. Let go when someone else holds the door. Always say “thanks” when a person holds a door for you. Appreciation takes no time and shows you liked their simple gesture.
31. If a door to a room is closed, knock then wait a few seconds. When no one responds, slowly open the door.
32. Here are my elevator rules. Hold elevator doors open for someone if they try to make it before the doors close. If the elevator is crowded or the door has been held multiple times, respect passengers by not delaying them any further. Should you be on the unlucky end of missing an elevator or it is crowded, stand back to let passengers know you are okay for them to go up or down. Other rules include move to the back, face the door, keep chat to a minimum, and avoid disturbances like phone calls or loud headphone music.
33. Walk on the right-side of sidewalks and shopping isles. Especially move over if you are slow. You can’t expect everyone to do this. An aircraft falling into your backyard right now is more likely than society walking on the right-side so walking etiquette is more about maneuvering yourself. Prepare to dodge and weave like Ali, keep objects like bags close to you, and give a quick apology when you bump someone.
34. Take your hat off at appropriate times. It’s not as simple as you think when considering the type of hat and the situation. Learn the etiquette of wearing a hat.
35. Give service staff and others you talk with your full attention. Get off the phone and take off headphones when paying for goods. It is rude and frustrating for someone like a McDonald’s worker to serve you when you talk to someone else. If you struggle to get off your phone, think of poor North Koreans. When an important politician dies, mobile phone use for a 100-day period is a “war crime” punishable with death.
36. Avoid these 16 email etiquette mistakes.
37. Leave a group or room to answer a phone call then keep the call as short as possible. Answer your phone at the dinner table to see the full effects of breaking this social etiquette rule. The rule is in place because nearby people deserve more attention than those who are distant.
38. When answering the phone, unless you know both of you have each other’s caller ID stored, greet the person followed by your name, “Hey, this is Josh.” If someone fails to introduce their name, it is polite to ask, “May I ask who is calling?”

Social Business Etiquette Principles

…nearby people deserve more attention than those who are distant.

Office gossip, loud employees, or time-wasting coworkers. Business can be filled with bad etiquette. With good business etiquette like most social skills, you create a better work environment and set yourself for a promotion. The same rules of everyday etiquette apply to social business etiquette with a few extra tips specific to what you encounter.

39. Greet coworkers when you see them for the first time in the day. Small talk is unexpected and can be frowned upon, but acknowledgment through a comment like “Good morning Jon” or a smile and a head nod beats out a cold look or avoidance.
40. Stand from your seat when your boss or someone of senior rank comes near your workspace. Also stand when you meet someone you haven’t seen for awhile. It’s a sign of respect. Stay seated if someone comes by daily. Stand when your secretary walks by your desk every 30-minutes will have her scratching her head and you getting no work complete.
41. Before you enter someone’s cubicle or office – even if the door is open or there is no door – knock on a wall or door then ask, “May I come in?”
42. Unless you are an international visitor from a company, the company’s owner, or a key leader to the meeting taking place, do not sit in the middle seats or at the table’s end. Even more so avoid the middle and end seats that face the door. These are for the big kahuna.
43. Sincerely praise a coworker for a project he or she worked hard on. “Diana, you put a lot of effort into this project and got good results. Nice work.” You will make them feel good and come across as a thoughtful person.
44. Focus on the face. Whether you give a presentation or wait on a phone call, avoid looking at devices that detract from your attention and someone’s feeling that you care about them. Look into people’s eyes to at least make them feel you are present.
45. Whenever you make small talk in the office, gauge the person’s attention to you. Leave if they seem occupied. Don’t let chat interfere with business. When you get interrupted, politely respond, “Unfortunately it’s a bad moment for me right now. Can we catch up after this report is complete?”

Etiquette Tips for Men with Women

You can have good etiquette without behaving like a gentleman in the Victorian era when a man took of his hat to greet a lady each time they crossed paths. Women notice a man who is considerate and respectful of others.

46. “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength,” said Eric Hoffer, a 20th-century American that loved to write about social issues. There is nothing manly about being rude to others. A gentleman disagrees without bitterness or anger. If an agreement cannot be reached, agree to disagree and focus on any neutral ground.
47. Walk in-front of a woman in tough crowds and on slippery surfaces. Hold her hand for safety.
48. Walk on the curb-side of footpaths. It’s a tradition of safety when a wayward buggy or horse would pose a hazard. Be a man by taking a wayward fast car to the face for your woman.
49. Allow women to enter doors and other devices for travel like escalators and cars before you. The exception is when a woman needs help. For a slippery set of stairs you walk down a step in-front of her, look her in the eyes, ask if you can be of help, then offer your arm.
50. Offer your arm the correct way in the right situation. The correct way to offer your arm is at a right-angle from the elbow with a small gap between the body and a straight wrist. The right-arm is traditionally what you offer but it matters little. Be ready to tighten your arm in case the lady slips if you are not already flexing your bicep for her (and your ego). Common situations to offer your arm are to help an elderly woman, walk with your partner to a formal event, or assist a lady cross ground she may trip over.

Etiquette Tips for Women with Men

Corsets and tea-sipping with a raised pinky is old. What follows are powerful etiquette tips women can use to be more appealing to men. It’s what men want in women.

51. When taking a man’s arm, place your hand with fingers together around his bicep then walk close with him.
52. Be positive about everyone. If someone is less fortunate than you, have pity. If your man does something you hate, keep silent and tell him in private. A lady gives her heart and treasures to those around her to make others feel loved and respected.
53. Do not groom in public. This applies to men and women. No make up, flossing, and hair adjustments unless in a private area like a restroom.
54. To be a “Victorian Lady” in the 19th-century, the dressing room was your sanctuary. You admired and beautified yourself so when you left the room, your beauty seemed effortless to the man you aimed to please.
55. Expose yourself to elegant women you admire. Note their habits and simple movements to learn how you can be like them.

Social Etiquette for Children: Tips for Parents and Those Wanting to Help Children

Good etiquette in children helps them make friends and be appreciated by adults. You get to enjoy dinners at restaurants or shop together without onlookers gasping like they saw a horror movie.

Everyday life offers situations to practice consideration.

56. If you think children are ruder now than ever, it is because of adults. “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any,” said Broadway dancer Fred Astaire. Children and teens will be most considerate when adults model good behaviors. If you expect your child to do something, check to see if you do it. A good model, for example, can teach a child listening skills (a core part of social etiquette) by listening.
57. Everyday life offers situations to practice consideration. “Please do not run in the house because of the noise.” “We say ‘hi’ to guests in our home.” “Please take your plate to the sink to share the dinner workload.”
58. Have conversations with the child like you would with an adult. There is nothing awkward about conversing with a child. Through conversations you build a relationship and teach the child how to converse.
59. When the child talks with you, get him or her to look you in the eyes. Eye contact is key for communication and friendship.
60. Reinforce use of the two magical words: “please” and “thank you”. “Please” when asking and “thank you” when receiving.
61. Give little adjustments at the right time when talking with a child you care for. Correct pronunciation of a word or point out an unsocial habit. Regardless of your adjustment, never interrupt or embarrass the child otherwise you display poor social etiquette. Always be a role model.

Table Manners

Society is built around meals. In Eastern and Western cultures, it is a way to develop relationships, share good times, or extend thanks. What you do at the table (your table manners) affect how people nearby perceive you.

62. Order at a restaurant by firstly checking if everyone at your table is ready to order. Decide what you want now to not waste the waiter’s time. Close the menu to signal the waiter you are ready. If you cannot get the waiter’s attention and she is serving no one, it is good etiquette to ask a polite question (“Waiter?”) just loud enough followed by your hand raised to chin level.
63. When you are invited to someone’s home for a meal, offer to help prepare the meal. If they decline your offer, offer to help in other ways, “What other ways can I help?”
64. Take what you will eat. Never more. Edge on the safe-side of leaving more food than necessary for others to serve themselves. It sucks to get to the potato salad only to discover it’s all gone!
65. Observe your host when you are unsure what to do. Eat when your host does and observe what utensils to use.
66. Eat with your mouth closed and do not talk with food in your mouth. Did I really need to share that?
67. Use “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me”. Such simple words make you a welcome guest at the table.
68. Sit up straight. Why is this a social etiquette rule? It shows you are engaged and makes table guests more likely to converse with you. To eat, move a utensil to your face instead of hunching.
69. Elbows on the table can be fine – even good – when you do not hold utensils. Leaning forward with elbows on the table makes you appear more interested to who you listen. Table guests can also hear you more easily when you speak in noisy restaurants.
70. At the end of a restaurant meal, who pays? On first dates the person who invites should pay. Split the bill whenever you are confused. Splitting does not have to be awkward. One person can pay while the other after dinner buys drinks in a pub or movie tickets. Keep suitable amounts of cash on hand for your share. Offer to cover yourself whenever someone wants to pay. If they decline your offer, thank them and leave it at that. The best piece of advice on “who pays” is to figure it out before the occasion to prevent ruining a nice time.

Transport

Whether you are in a cart pulled by a horse or on the dirty subway, transport etiquette ensures a smooth ride for fellow passengers.

71. Give up your seat to an elderly person, a disabled person, a pregnant women, and even a parent with a young child. Win an extra brownie point with your passengers by donating your seat to a person so he or she can sit near friends. Too bad if you had a rough day and wanted to sit. Most people will dislike taking a seat from you so stand up before making your offer with a smile.
72. Sit in a seat near no one before sitting near someone.
73. Keep your bag and other objects off the seat beside you. Get a car if you want privacy.
74. Carpooling is about consideration of passengers. Ask before opening windows, avoid repetitive habits like tapping, and sought out compensation for fuel.

How to Handle Tough Situations You Have Not Thought Of

Maybe you have thought of the tough situations below, but had no idea what to do. Boost your confidence by knowing how to deal with situations that make people squirm.

75. Ask for the owner’s permission as courtesy to pat, feed, or talk with their pet animal. Such behaviors with service dogs is dangerous because it distracts them from duties.
76. When translators are used, do not talk to the translator. Look at the person who speaks the foreign language when he or she talks and when you talk.
77. Address people appropriately with the right name and title. You have Doctors, Professors, Bishops, and Ambassadors, and Judges. I thought it was simple until discovering the hundreds of titles in Emily Post’s Etiquette. I cannot remember how to address a Senator so my advice is to prepare for the right way to address someone when you anticipate a meeting. Eventually you will learn how to address a Mayor (“The Honorable Bill Smith”) like you do with a Doctor (“Dr Smith”).
78. You were invited to the White House? Lucky you. Respond within the day. There are few accepted reasons to decline such an invite so be ready to go. Why would you decline anyway, I have no idea. Arrive a few minutes early because it is a cardinal sin to have the President walk in ready to meet you without your presence. Once you arrive and are escorted by guards to an appropriate room, if you are in a small group the President and First Lady greet you. Remain standing. In a large group the guests form a line passing by the President. Address him as “Mr President”. The use of “Sir” in conversation is also appropriate.
79. Flag rules. Only use a flag in good condition replacing it when damaged or discolored. When a flag is handled, keep it off objects. Never hang a flag upside down unless to signal distress. Never use a flag as clothing, but flag-designs of clothing is permissible.
80. Treat people who do work for you, such as a maid, as equals. When you think like this, you do not order them around or take advantage of their services.
81. When someone is about to leave after staying at your place, be a good host by showing the guest to the door then stand outside until the guest is no longer seen. This signals you have enjoyed the guest’s company and are not rushed to return to daily duties (even if you are).
82. Follow the dress code for invitations. Codes confuse. They vary from black tie to white tie and formal to casual. Learn more about dress codes.
83. A bad date is rarely one person’s fault. Never make the other feel uncomfortable because you are dissatisfied. Be realistic about perfection. Treat the person as an individual. No “all men are jerks” comments or thoughts.
84. Bad news like death and divorce is difficult to share. It is okay to gradually spread the news. The person suffering can tell close friends and family. They then can share the bad news with others over time. A person responsible for sharing the news should be given the responsibility only if he or she can keep composure.
85. When someone goes through a tough time, never say, “I know how you feel.” It’s condescending and about you. Nor should you say, “Call me if you need help.” It’s too vague. Instead say, “Please know I am thinking of you.” and “May I cook for you this Sunday night?”
86. When you hear bad news, a simple, “I’m so sorry to hear” or “I wish you the best” is sufficient. Never try to make lemonade out of their lemon with comments like, “Be thankful her suffering is over.”
87. Adoption is none of your business. Do not ask about biological parents, reasons, or anything else to do with adoption. Drop the thought that adoptive parents are saints because it places a burden on them and guilt on the child. Let the parents or child raise the topic when they want.

88. Rudeness happens. It is a complex issue that cannot be fully covered here. My quick tips to deal with rudeness are to consider ignoring the issue, acknowledge your contribution to the problem, and never give the rude person anything to build on like raising your voice or reciprocating rudeness. Know how to deal with difficult people and you will manage their rudeness.
89. You now know more than most about social etiquette so be careful about being a grouch at those who disobey social etiquette. Be tolerant and friendly. Do not be the old crank at the golf club who yells at non-members for wearing a baseball cap inside the clubhouse. Rudeness is bad etiquette no matter the situation. When you respect the flaws of others, you give them the chance to respect you.

How will you use these social etiquette rules? When will you show etiquette to others? Will you treat others with respect when they are respectful to you? Will you take the high road only when you gain something like a promotion at work or admiration from onlookers? Your character is defined by what you do to people who cannot do anything to you.

Whether you’re the girl at the bar yelling to her friends “Oh my I have to pee SO BAD!” or the guy whose voice cracks over his first words, it’s hard to erase a first impression from someone’s brain. As said in Big Talk, where there’s a whole chapter on ways to make a good first impression, “A first impression isn’t a last impression; it’s an influential impression.”

A good impression at first sight is what I call “the lazy man’s way to make people like you”. Princeton University research shows our snap judgments remain consistent over time. If someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. The study found one thing changes as the conversation continues: a person’s confidence in the accuracy of their first impression.

Call it bias or unfairness. I call it human psychology. Work with it if you want to be seen as awesome. Learn how to impress people at first sight. Here are 40 ways to make a great first impression.

1. Know the importance of body language. Before you open your mouth, people judge a lot about you by the way you walk, hold yourself, and move. These types of nonverbal communication are detected before you mutter a word. It’s a myth nonverbal communication gives 93% of all communication, but body language must be statistically high as part of a first impression.

Knowing the value of body language and unspoken social dynamics in a good first impression encourages you to focus on it. You’ll be more concerned with smiling, speaking louder and clearer, and appearing calm, which will impress others more than a great conversation starter.

2. Open your body language. Open body language invites and impresses while closed body language shows ignorance and insolence. Here’s a snippet of a table from the Big Talk course explaining the difference between the two types of body language:

Imagine two people. You’re one of them. The weirdo has all the traits of closed body language while you or me – each an amazingly cool person – has all the traits of open body language. You get the vibe the other person is a creep while we’re charming.

3. Social proof yourself. Social proof is a principle of social psychology that says we look to others during obscure social situations to determine how we should behave. There are hundreds of unknown people in public social events so we observe how people treat each other to measure how we should treat someone.

If you see everyone looking towards a guy, you’ll look towards him to calculate what’s going on. If a guy seated alone for an hour approaches you for conversation, you’ll dislike him before he opens his mouth. You’ll look for information to validate why he is alone and unpopular.

If every time someone spots you laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible.

Everyone knows you can manipulate your words and tell a verbal lie, but we believe what we see. Social proof is a great way to make a good first impression. Make friends before you enter a venue. Be seen chatting with the bouncer or waiter or a group of friends you just met. If someone spots you every time laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible with cool body language or witty first words.

4. Put yourself at ease. Did you know if you’re tense talking with someone, the mirror neurons in another person’s brain forces them to become tense? Their body literally duplicates your tension. The strain or message that relates to it, like you’re an uptight angry jerk, is then stored in the person’s hippocampus, the memory center of the brain. Not a good way to make friends.

If you’re like most ToP readers, your body is tense right now. Heck, even I just realized I’m tense writing about tension! To see your tension and remove it, relax your forehead. Loosen your jaw. Let your face droop downwards as the tension dissipates. You can tighten a muscle for three seconds then release it to enter relaxation. Do this throughout your body whenever you think of it. Tension is unconscious, but relaxation conscious.

5. Get into shape. Light travels faster than sound, so your physical appearance is noticed before your voice or introductory comment is heard. Looks aren’t everything, but they’re important and quickly noticed.

Get your physical game together whatever that maybe. Exercise to stay in shape. Drop that greasy packet of chips in the bin. Everyone notices a guy with biceps bulging out of his sleeves or a woman with a curvacious figure. We’re impressed by people with good physiques.

6. Dress stylish within the decade. I understand if your bright green neon stilettos appear “timeless” to you. However, nobody else does. When in doubt, wear black or gray. These colors are timeless and even if a dress or tie was purchased 10 years ago, it’ll come across as stylish because it’s not a shocking, bright, or ridiculous color.

Dress nice and stylish, but comfortable. You want to look your best, yet many times we tend to think dressing sharp, stylish, and sexy is more important than being comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and constantly tugging or pulling at your shirt or dress, you’ll feel distracted and probably self-conscious. Don’t compromise comfort for style. Feel good in what you wear.

This is no fashion school, yet I must say one last thing on this topic. Not only is it important to dress for comfort, it’s important to dress for your body type as well. Ladies, don’t squeeze into a revealing, slinky dress because you hear it’s the latest style, even though your chest is popping out and you can see your underwear lines through it. Men, don’t wear a fitted Slipknot t-shirt if your gut sticks out beneath it. You need tip number five if that’s the case!

The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

7. Think positive before going in. Imagine the positive mark you’ll make on people instead of visualizing how that attractive lady will laugh at you when you approach her asking, “Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?” (I wouldn’t blame you if you’re thinking negatively using that pick-up line). See the interaction going incredibly awesome. Believe the person you’re about to talk to is friendly. You’ll go in looking a happier, more impressionable person.

If you’re a pessimist so you never get disappointed, read my review of Mind-Lines, a great book on reframing to think in healthy ways. The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

8. Get into a positive state. Make people’s mirror neurons work for your benefit. Put yourself into a positive state so a person’s brain makes them emotionally high in your presence.

I believe it’s unhealthy to always seek happiness and “positive emotions” because you block yourself from authenticity and a full experience of life, but there are lessons in Big Talk you can follow to boost your mood and impress people:

1. Firstly, know that energy is a choice. You can make yourself feel good at will.
2. You may get in a good mood by psyching yourself up or down. Figure out what works for you.
3. Talk with anyone or anything. If you feel great and can have a smooth conversation with your cat, I like your odds at impressing people in a conversation.
4. Take a practice dive socializing. Dive in and allow yourself to belly flop. E-motion is energy in emotion. Action is necessary to feel alive.

9. Be present. The distinguishing factor between anxious, lonely persons and those with charisma is their energetic focus. Loners are drawn into themselves. They think about past mistakes or anticipate how others may respond. I use to think of me freezing in past conversations or about what others would think if I said something. Yeah, it’s messy.

People know when you’re not fully in the moment and are repulsed by it. Children hate when a parent pretends to listen when all they do is hear.

Just before you approach someone or at anytime during a conversation, focus on the now. The best way I’ve found to do this is by taking deep and slow belly-breathes for 30 seconds. You can also observe a person’s body language. These techniques will make you more present and people will be impressed.

10. Impress the right person. Would you leave your hand print on a rock or in clay? Some people are easier to impress than others while some are worth impressing more than others.

If you have a hard-time impressing people, pick low-hanging fruit. Talk to the person alone or listen to the person looking sad. The social proof and emotional momentum will help you impress those higher up the tree. It’s a sneaky way to make a good first impression.

11. Approach people from a 45-degree angle. It’s alarming to have someone approach you head on. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything aggressively nearing us. Having said that, don’t sneak up on someone like they’re your best friend. It’s not cute. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything that tried to surprise us from behind (okay, maybe your ancestors didn’t give you my schizophrenic genes, but you get the point.)

What’s the right way to walk up to people? Approach from a 45-degree angle. You can keep your geometry set in your school bag. Just use the principle as a reminder that we’re comfortable being approached by strangers at a visible indirect angle.

12. Make eye contact. The eyes give your interactions emotional meaning. If you look at any object or person as if you had ADHD, you’ll appear anxious or disinterested. Certainly you’ve heard this a million times, but giving someone a good look in the eyes right as you meet them shows you’re interested in them. Your pupils dilate and they instinctively catch on, causing automatic attraction.

13. Cast an illuminating smile. A cold turkey smile switches on in an instant. An illuminating smile turns on gradually. Make eye contact with someone then go from a blank face to a full warm smile in two seconds. Read my article “How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word” for more help with this technique and a couple of extra tricks to impress people through your body language.

14. Don’t stare and smile like a hungry wolf. Or a hungry vampire. Eye contact is one thing, looking like someone staring at their bait is another.

Temporarily break eye contact by shifting your eyes downwards for two seconds. It’s a sign of friendliness and safety probably experienced by cave men who killed beasts that glared in their eyes (again, that’s probably my schizophrenic genes). Sharing your eye contact with the floor makes you safe and likable in the eyes of those you chat with giving them a good impression of you.

15. Remember your acquaintances name and use it. A “nice to meet you, Sarah” or “Me too Bob, I totally get that” shows you’re interested in speaking to them and are having more than just an empty conversation. If you have the memory of a goldfish, check out a post of mine for social skills resources to help remember names.

16. Shake hands well. There’s more to a handshake than a firm one. Lean forward at the hips to show interest. Ensure your hand and theirs go web-to-web. Yes, grip firmly. A strong, firm handshake shows confidence in anyone. Same for you, ladies. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to stick out your fingers like a delicate tulip. My last tip for a good handshake is to give two up-and-down shakes. Do these and you may just impress people with your hand skills.

17. Speak with a resonant voice. I’ve mentioned body language for a good impression, but the voice is another part of nonverbal communication that can impress people. A squelching voice will leave your listeners with plugs in their ears while a soothing, clear voice will have people hang on to your every word.

There’s diverse problems in vocalics from talking too loud, fast, soft, raspy, high, indecisively, breathy, and the list goes on. To cure all these problems and improve your voice, I recommend you learn from Carol Fleming, creator of The Sound of Your Voice audio program, and her new book It’s the Way You Say It. Her book is the best resource I’ve come across to improve your voice and nonverbal communication.

18. Make the conversation about others. We think we need to impress others by drawing attention to ourselves. The opposite is true. I once saw a man wearing a shirt that said, “Oh yea, that reminds me of something that allows me to talk about myself.” For many people, this couldn’t be more true. The last person you want to be is the one who starts telling a story about themselves as soon as they hear someone mention a related topic. You make friends easily when the conversation is on their passions, their problems, their perceptions.

19. Show interest in what they have to say. If someone talks about the awesome day they had or the recent achievement they accomplished at work, it’s worth the recognition and respect that comes along with you intently listening. Did he land a new job? Shut up about your 10 million dollar deal and be happy for him. Lean forward, ask questions, have your mouth slightly open, and be in awe.

20. Talk about yourself. Yeah, that will impress people when done right. You see, fans of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People are so adamant on making the conversation about others and being interested in people. This makes a good impression on people – without it, you’re sure to be the person everyone wishes would be gagged for silence. However, if you really want to impress a guy or girl and make them into a friend, you need to talk about yourself.

We feel close to those we understand. Without that understanding of someone’s identity, we have our shields up. If someone talks about their hot air balloon experience, ask them questions, listen to them gas, then share how you’ve never done it before and would love to do it. They may just invite you to fly away some day after you impress them.

21. Show how great you are rather than telling. If you’re awesome and you want someone to know it, don’t tell them. Your actions, mannerisms, and attention must show you’re a killer person. A guy who talks about his Lamborghini before you go on a drive is an idiot, while a guy who takes you into his Lamborghini without a mention of it is impressive. You amaze people when they discover cool things about you on their own.

22. Throw them a genuine compliment. Showering someone with compliments is sucking up. If you absolutely love someone’s hairstyle or outfit, make a point to tell them. You impress by complimenting a person on something they put effort into and hoped someone would notice.

You amaze people when they discover cool things about you on their own.

23. Accept compliments with grace. A whine fits in here as well. People find it difficult to accept a compliment. A good response to “I like your outfit” is a simple “Thank you” rather than “Ugh, the color makes me look pale.” It’s okay to be praised and admired. Now is not the time to feel guilt.

24. Make them feel great. I’ve given a couple tips on what to say to impress people because a great impression is about the feelings you create in other people. “They may forget what you said,” said Frederick Buechner, author of over 20 books on deep humanity, “but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

You get in a positive mood, dress stylishly, smile, shake hands well, make eye contact, and compliment – not for your own ego – but for the positive feelings you create in other people. I want you to go from asking, “Am I impressing the person?” to “How am I making the person feel?” Do what you can to make people feel great to leave a long-lasting emotional imprint.

25. Cut negativity. You leave a bad emotional imprint with drama, depression, gossip, complaints, and criticism. If you complain about your uncomfortable outfit, your bad hair day, or “how faaaaat you look,” you come across as a negative person. If you go on and on about a health problem, you create in them a mental problem of a bad impression.

26. Respect social rules. There is no need to stand out or risk breaking social rules. If you say something really off the wall or perverted, it will be remembered. The first time you meet someone, don’t mention your bladder leak on an airplane. There’s no excuse for that.

If you’re completely douched in cologne or perfume, it will be remembered. Subtle scents are fine and often attractive to others. But if you’re the guy that smells like an Old Spice commercial halfway across the bar, women will not woo you for attention.

27. Be cautious about your alcohol consumption. If there is booze around, you probably want a drink or two to loosen up and get in the mood. Drinking to the point of being belligerently drunk and annihilated will screw your chances of being impressionable in a positive way.

28. Follow the rules of etiquette. Each of your behaviors say something about you. If you have a potty mouth that unleashes foul language, you are seen as raw, rough, and rude. On the other hand, if you follow the rules of etiquette, you impress people with your punctuality and politeness.

Some basic rules of etiquette follow. Abstain from swearing. Open doors for others and keep them open. Arrive and leave events at the right time. Write thank you notes. If you eat or chew gum, don’t chew like a cow. Feed your stomach with a closed mouth. I have a follow up article teaching you 89 social etiquette tips.

29. Get touchy. Socially acceptable touching is the most underused form of nonverbal communication. Appropriate touching connects people faster than words. Tap your target on the elbow during your approach to get their attention then shake hands. Touch people to emphasize a point in a story. Everyone loves a celebratory high-five.

30. Get in sync. This means you nonverbally match someone you’re talking with. Alter your voice, posture, stance, gestures, and movements to mirror theirs. If they stand and move around the room, stand then walk with them. Once you’re in sync, they’ll feel you’re a typical friend just like them. It’s an effective way to make a good first impression.

31. Pull everyone into the conversation. You can impress more than one person by baiting uninvolved group members into the conversation. A loudmouth guy may hog the spotlight, leaving others in the dark. You should talk to the whole group. Shift the attention onto the dormant conversationalists by asking questions like, “What’s your experience with that?” “What’s your opinion on this?” and “What do you think?” If you’re asked a question like “How do you spend your time during the day?”, turn the same question onto them. People will be impressed with your social intelligence.

32. You can be wrong. It’s okay to not have someone admit you’re right even when you know the truth. Righteously blind people irritate. If you cannot prove to a nut head the Earth is not the center of the universe, others in the group will admire your need to not be all knowing and wonder how your verbal combatant’s genes survived this long.

33. Be unique. If you feel there’s nothing special about you, create something. Rarity is memorable and valued everywhere. We remember Elvis created a unique style of music. FedEx became known for the “overnight delivery” then hurt itself by competing with DHL for “worldwide”. When all mouth wash companies tried to make their product pleasurable in the mouth, Listerine came in and went the opposite way.

Rarity is memorable and valued everywhere.

Find something unique about you that can receive more attention. That one thing will stick in people’s mind. You will become the “pink hair girl”, “the funny coffee man”, or “the tall guy”.

34. Show your sense of humor. If you’re witty, sarcastic, or dark with humor, it’s your personality and you want to show it. However, if you find yourself wanting to joke like, “A blonde walks into a bar. Ouch!” reconsider sharing it. Whatever you do, don’t try to start off with a funny opening line such as “So Helen Keller walks into a bar…” Talk to someone for a few minutes before determining whether or not your humor will be appreciated. Conversational humor develops throughout the interaction anyway.

35. Let little troubles float by you. This is a lesson from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. People with little power pick on little things. A couple walks down the street when one of them stumbles and the other replies, “Oh, watch your step.” A group of mates have a beer when one tips over his drink to which a mate jokes, “That was smart.” A boyfriend tries to empathize with his girlfriend when she sneezes by saying, “Oh, that was a nasty one.” Pointing out the obvious does not impress people. It makes you insensitive.

Famed painter and sculptor Pablo Picasso said, “The hidden harmony is better than the obvious.” Powerful people with prestige impress others by ignoring unimportant noise. They don’t point out the obvious because it’s emotionally unintelligent. They continue whatever they were doing. If they talk about a family problem at a restaurant when a waiter gives them a wrong order, they solve the hiccup and move on, instead of getting snared in drama. Poise and composure give people safety and certainty, both attractive qualities to create.

36. Give people a second-chance. Based on the Princeton University research mentioned earlier, you know our first impressions of someone tend to remain throughout the conversation with them. What changes is our increased confidence that our quick judgments were spot on. People will give you a bad first impression. You may think a new co-worker is a cow, a guy at a party should jump off the balcony, or a girl is a drama queen. Give people another chance to impress you to become more friendly, impressing people.

If you had a mind-blank at the start of a conversation with a stranger, you’d feel they’re pretty amazing if they came up to you later and said, “Never mind about our ‘conversation’ before. I get mind-blanks all the time. What’s your name?” What a caring and impressive person!

37. Stop over-thinking. “My hair looks bad.” “I forgot to iron this shirt.” “What if everyone hates me?” “What if I have a zit?” Stop it. Insecurities are the greatest turn off according to author Robert Greene in The Art of Seduction.

You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do.

You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do. Nobody’s going home saying, “Ugh, did you see his hair? It was combed slightly too far to the left.”

38. Remain calm. Don’t freak out if things go unplanned. Since you’re now thinking positive thoughts, keep your pants clean should things go haywire. If you trip, if you choke on your food, if you just don’t get along with someone you thought you’d click with, no worries. People’s actions do not matter; your reactions do.

39. Make a good last impression. We learned from the Princeton University study that people look for information to validate their first impression of someone. Leaving a conversation on a positive note gives people further proof their initial judgment is right – that you’re a great person.

Masters like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods know how to finish strong. Become a conversation master by skipping the Houdini stunt of vanishing from the conversation. Use the “high returns” technique from Big Talk:

Appreciate something specific about the person by reflecting one thing the person talked about. Examples include: “I need to go now, but it has been great to receive your expertise on…” “Thank you for the great time together.” “I’m off to hunt down a friend, but it has been a pleasure to hear about your overseas journeys.” The person will leave the conversation on a high and love you for it.

40. Snare the chance to repair. What do you do if someone kindly approaches you and you give them the cold shoulder because you just lost your job? You can kick yourself for screwing up an impression or you can work with what’s happened by repairing your dirty ditch. Get the person aside then correctly apologize by admitting your mistake. Show your guilt, let the person respond, then move on. Use the other tips to make a better impression: put yourself at ease, let the trouble float by you, and make the conversation about them.

If all 40 ways to make a good first impression overwhelm you, they have a counterproductive effect. Take a few deep breathes. Let the tips fall back into your mind. You will unconsciously act out what you learned. When the day is over, you will be impressed by the people you impressed.

For more tips and techniques to socialize and make friends, get Big Talk by clicking here.

Horrifying Statistics of Email Etiquette

The number of untrained email users is staggering. Former Chief Solutions Officer of Yahoo! Tim Sanders estimates that 90% of business communication is email based and only 10% of email users receive adequate training. The statistics now get nasty.

According to market research firm Radicati Group, 89 billion business emails were sent per day in 2012. There is expected to be 3.8 billion email accounts by 2014. This means an estimated 3.42 billion email accounts will be owned by people untrained in email come 2014.

Your workplace and business likely suffers from poor email etiquette. It isn’t getting better anytime soon unless you do something about it with the rules of email etiquette in this article.

Good Netiquette

Email etiquette, broadly referred to as “netiquette”, defines the rules of email communication. Netiquette is important because an email sent cannot be retrieved. You cannot reach through the computer cables to retrieve an email to your boss in a regretful emotional out-lash where you swore to destroy his dictatorship.

Netiquette is more than writing a grammatically correct email to a friend. It builds clarity, understanding, and productivity in everyday email communication. From having the right mindset when seated to sending an email, here are the most important email etiquette rules to follow so you’re one (or many) of the 380 million email account owners in 2014 that know what to do in their inbox:

1. Control emotional emails. Do not send an email when you are angry. You could say things you later regret and the receiver of your little outburst will have a record that could be used against you. Many careers have been destroyed from angry emails. Your email may appear okay as you compose it, but let time clear your mind so you don’t regret clicking the “send” button.

I also recommend you re-read your email to check for sentences, phrases, and words that can be interpreted another way to your main intent. You may come off as rude when you try to be nice. A simple joke you think is funny may offend someone because they misinterpreted the joke. The lack of nonverbal communication in email makes it a poor medium to communicate emotion.

The lack of nonverbal communication in email makes it a poor medium to communicate emotion.

2. Provide the right amount of information. People waste too much time browsing their inbox the way it is without having to read long messages. Do humanity a favor by keeping your emails short. Cut the fat.

You still need to provide all the information upfront when possible. It is frustrating and time-consuming to ask questions for more information that could have been provided in the initial email.

3. Format it right. You don’t need to be a geek to use this rule. HyperText Markup Language (HTML) is used to make websites look pretty. Making text bold or (what you think is) pretty in email uses HTML. When you copy and paste emails from websites, you may also unknowingly copy the HTML code across.

When you format an email, the email may look different when someone receives it. Just like in face-to-face conversations, the message sent is not the message received. Some email programs are not HTML compatible so when they receive HTML emails, weird HTML code might show and other formatting issues may occur.

Simply provide a website link if you are going to copy an entire web page. If you want to copy snippets of information, not only do you risk breaking copyright laws, but at your discretion you can copy the text across to a text-file program (such as Notepad, not Microsoft Word) then copy the text from there into your email program. Copying text to a text-file program removes HTML to prevent weird formatting issues.

4. Should you reply to all?. It is frustrating to receive emails from group members who simply say “Yes, I can come” or “No” when you do not need to receive them. Stop being lazy. Take the small amount of time to address your email to the specific people your email is intended for.

5. Do not forward to all. I am a big victim of this email mistake! If you subscribe to my newsletter, you are advised to add me to your address book or whitelist to help my emails reach your inbox. With tens of thousands of subscribers, I am in many people’s address book. Subscribers often receive an email then forward it to everyone in their address book. The result for me is a daily cleanup of forwarded emails containing stories, quotes, and cute kittens.

Chain emails are so annoying! The next time you get an email with a poem, story, or series of images you love, keep them to yourself. A lovely story about patience you forward to friends may infuriate them.

6. Keep people’s email addresses hidden. It is rude to send an email to several people making their email address visible in the “To” box. Unless the recipients know each other and are comfortable sharing their email addresses, avoid this mistake. Use the Bcc (blind carbon copy) function of emails to hide recipients’ email addresses. The Bcc function ensures everyone receives the email and makes it look addressed to the specific individual.

7. Save the message thread. Not having the replied message in the sent message is the face-to-face equivalent of being bashed across the head and forgetting what was discussed in the conversation. Based on many emails I receive everyday, I estimate 30% of people do not attach their replied message. I easily forget what was sent in an email someone replied to because I frequently have discussions with multiple people at the same time.

Make it easy for people to know what you talk about by ensuring their message you reply to is attached. Google’s email service, Gmail, is great at keeping track of past messages. Be sure to change your email settings so that messages you reply to get included in your reply.

8. Be smart with your abbreviations. Friend to friend or family member to family member, the use of abbreviations is up to you. Problems arise when abbreviations in workplace emails make you appear unprofessional. If an abbreviation is used in the industry and the recipient knows what it means, use it otherwise abstain from abbreviations. Here is a useful video on email etiquette I thought you might find interesting:

A three minute Fox Providence presentation discussing email etiquette. It focuses on professionalism by avoiding abbreviations.

9. Avoid unknown abbreviations. AFAIK 404 but I’ll POAHF because I TILII. Do you know what that means? Very few people do. It means: As far as I know I have no clue, but I’ll put on a happy face because I tell it like it is.

Good email etiquette avoids unknown abbreviations. What seems apparent to you might confuse the recipient of your email. How would you like it if a friend sent you an email with ADO, YOOAD, WWMT, and other weird abbreviations? (I just made those last few ) You would feel annoyed at having to clarify something the person should realize in the first place.

10. Pick the right subject heading. If you leave the subject field empty or simply put “Re:” in the field, you avoid an important function of email communication. Your goal in personal emails is not to write the most captivating subject heading so people open your email. Write an honest and specific subject heading that reflects your email message. Instead of writing “HELP!!” to your telecommunications company, you could write “Help Needed With Phone Wires”. If I deem a subject heading is important, I can take up to 5-minutes to think of a good subject.

11. Send at a suitable time. Be weary of the time you send your email. This etiquette rule depends on a few things. Firstly, with the worldwide connectivity and never-ending discussion over the Internet, it matters little what time you send an email to someone in a different time zone. Secondly, some people do not care what time you send your email as they only care about reading what you have to say.

Be careful of the time you send emails to people such as coworkers, managers, and clients. A job candidate’s email containing a resume sent to the human resources department at 3am looks bad in the inbox. Good luck acing an interview or even getting one because of this mistake. Send an email at another time if you think the recipient will judge you poorly based on the time you send it.

Typing in capitals is the digital equivalent of yelling in someone’s face.

12. Excessive Capitalization. IT IS CONSIDERED RUDE TO TYPE IN CAPITALS. Typing in capitals is the digital equivalent of yelling in someone’s face. Hopefully, you would not yell in someone’s face so do not do it in the digital world. On the other end of the spectrum, do not type all your text in lower case. It is simple grammar.

13. Spell check. I am guilty of this a few times and have been pulled up by the grammar police for teaching communication and misspelling words. (Apparently I am not allowed to misspell words!) Spell check your formal emails. Most email providers and even web browsers provide the option to spell check. If your email service or web browser does not have a spell checker, copy your email into a word editing document to spell check it.

14. Use attachments the right way. Any email attachment over one mega byte (approximately 1000KB) is pushing email etiquette rules. Not everyone has broadband or cable, and these people do not want to spend 5 minutes downloading an unnecessary file. For large attachments, you are better off using file upload services such as Mega File Upload and 2shared. With these services, you upload a file to their website and they give you a link you can send to others where they can download the file.

Another rule for email attachments is to consider the format of your attachment. Not everyone can open a file with the .odt extension.

15. Do not request delivery and read receipts. Delivery and read receipts is an old feature in email programs. The feature lets you send an email and have the recipient confirm it was received. You are notified with an email that the person received your email if the person confirms.

The feature is an unreliable way to check if someone receives your email. It also adds more clutter to an already busy inbox. In most cases, you don’t need to know if an email was received because modern technology with email deliverability is good.

If you need to check whether your email was received, ask the person in your email to reply saying they got your message. If your message is really that important, which it rarely is over email, maybe you should phone the person. Do not blame the recipient of your email for a problem you can control.

16. Write. Send. Edit. That is obviously in the wrong order if you follow good email etiquette. By the time you click the “Submit” button, you should be confident in not having to read what you sent. Get this common email mistake in the right order: 1) Write, 2) Edit, and 3) Send. Wow! Done.

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