Similarly, we’ve all lied. Your nose doesn’t grow from lies. Lying is often considered acceptable – even sometimes expected practice to handle someone’s feelings. Thank goodness no one is Pinocchio.

Why do men and women lie? What can you do to stop yourself from lying? In this article you’ll be surprised at the real reason you’re lied to.

Black Truth of White Lies

Take “white lies” or “fibbing” as acceptable forms of lies. Here are examples of these deceptions:

• Lying to get out of trouble; such as why we were slightly late to work or a dentist appointment
• Lying to appear a certain way; such as fibbing about accomplishments on a first date or at a job interview
• Lying to avoid hurting feelings or conflict; like when a man is asked, “Do I look fat in this?”
• Lying to flatter someone
• Lying to garner attention; like exaggerating how sick you are or the dramatic events of a recent occurrence

To a large extent these lies are considered harmless white lies, and most of us tell them without blinking an eye. People often accept white lies because on a subconscious level they believe:

1. the lies really don’t hurt anyone and are of no consequence
2. the lie is told to protect feelings
3. the lies are only told on occasion

In fact, the Science Museum of London conducted a study on truthfulness amongst three thousand people, and discovered that:

…both sexes said there were such things as ‘acceptable’ lies; 75 percent said it was okay if it was done to spare someone’s feelings.

Though it’s necessary to take these studies with a grain of salt – this study is interesting because it indicates the level of pervasiveness and acceptance lying has in our everyday lives.

Lying: A Dangerous Habit

Telling a big whopper of a lie is not ideal. Problems can also occur when someone starts to white lie frequently – you could say they “abuse the system” by pulling out a white lie when necessary.

Lying, especially white lying, can be a dangerous habit because it’s easy to do. As a child when we gain conscience and reasoning, it’s one of the first things we notice – the ability to lie and get out of being in trouble. One day a parent places a lolly on a shelf and it disappears. You don’t have the courage to endure punishment so you lie about eating it.

In social situations, lying about your life can make it easier to get someone to like you. It’s also a way to avoid confrontation and hurting someone’s feelings. It’s simple to stop someone worrying when you lie about what happened or where you have been.

Lying… is a way to avoid confrontation and hurting someone’s feelings.

Cheating men and unfaithful women aren’t the only ones who lie to avoid punishment. It’s natural for humans to avoid trouble by taking the easy way out. (What’s natural isn’t always the best though.)

The famous psychologist and psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud believed humans are intrinsically driven to increase their pleasure and reduce their pain. The “Pleasure/Pain Principle” says we seek gratification through feelings of pleasure and steer away from pain. Often pain is quick to arrive as it takes our focus and steers us to a life of avoidance.

Pain-avoidance in lying means this process gets repeated. Eventually lying becomes habit, sticking in one’s life. This is why many people believe the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater”.

Why Do Men and Women Lie?

Do men and women lie for different reasons? A study by the psychologist Bella M. DePaulo at the University of Virginia, found somewhat differing reasons for lying between the sexes. The study found women tend to lie to make people feel better and spare their feelings. These findings are consistent with a woman’s tendency to feel responsible for people’s feelings.

According to psychologist Michael Lewis in his book Lying and Deception in Everyday life, men are more likely than women to use a lie to enhance themselves. Dr. Bella found men tend to lie in line with their male ego – whether it be to conceal something embarrassing to themselves and their ego, or to build their self-image. It was also discovered men often lie to avoid conflict.

Some common lies men tell are:

“Of course I like your friends!”
“Honey, you’re the best.”
“I can’t call you. I don’t even know where I’ll be.”
“That dress isn’t too tight. It looks great!”
“They’re downsizing at work. But don’t worry, they won’t get me.”
“Sure, I’ll mow the lawn – as soon as this short ache in my back goes away.”

Some common lies women tell:

“Yes I’m satisfied.”
“It was on sale so relax.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“You’re doing fine.”
“Stop worrying, he doesn’t hate you.”
“I don’t want anything for my birthday.”

Here’s some more lies in an cool pic Josh made that you can Pin:

The One Universal Reason Everyone Lies

Now that we’ve looked at lying and some of the common lies men and women tell – let’s go deeper to understand why men and women lie. No matter who we are or the situation, EVERYONE lies for one universal reason.

And that reason is: a lack of courage.

I challenge you to look back at any lie you’ve told, or any lies someone has told you. The one thing they have in common is the deceiving person does not have the courage to tell the truth.

Anyone lying to get out of work or to inflate the ego are scared of the repercussions of truth. You can probably see how a lack of courage applies to these types of lies.

What about lies with more noble intentions? Do they really indicate a lack of courage?

Yes. Yes, even if you are lying to spare someone’s feelings, and you think it’s a noble thing, at the end of the day you still lack the courage to deal with the consequences (such as the reaction of the person) of telling it like it is.

I am not advocating you must always tell the truth. I am pointing out the secret, subconscious reason for lying in the first place – a lack of courage to deal with telling the truth and receiving the consequences, be they good or bad.

Telling the truth takes courage. Telling the truth takes ongoing work. It’s easy to lie and natural to avoid pain. It takes effort to commit to telling the truth. It’s difficult to tell the truth about the harder things in life because we are out of practice!

Courage is like a muscle. It needs to be built over time. When you haven’t trained your truth muscles, they hurt to use in practice. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to tell the truth.

Note, I said it becomes easier to speak the truth the more you practice. The CONSEQUENCES of dealing with telling the truth don’t necessarily get easier!

When You Should Lie

Is it okay to deceive if the consequences of telling the truth suck? Is it ever okay to lie?

Before I can answer if it’s okay to lie – you need to be the person who does not use lying as a habit, as the easy way out, as a compulsion, or anything similar.

Many years ago while working in a detention centre with juvenile delinquents, I encountered enormous amounts of lies told by youth there. One pattern I discovered amongst them was the youth who were habitual liars became so accustomed to lying that they had no idea when they lied.

Even scarier than this, I discovered that the juveniles who habitually lied deluded themselves about the crimes they committed and the person they saw themselves to be. I had many a conversation with some offenders who lied point blank about their crimes, to the extent they deluded themselves into believing their own lies.

This is dangerous indeed. And it starts small.

Telling the truth takes courage.

Although it may seem ridiculous, you need an ongoing commitment to the truth! This commitment needs to be honored every day and in every situation. And with as much tact as possible. Just like our health, a commitment to being truthful and genuine needs to be cultivated, maintained, and built everyday.

If you don’t have a commitment to truth then you will find yourself lying or being compelled to deceive in the trickiest and most demanding situations.

So if you have a commitment to the truth and find yourself consciously telling the truth, even when it hurts and you get nervous – congratulations! You are now in the position to discern whether or not it is necessary to lie. There are times in life when a lie is needed and the truth is unnecessary.

If you lie having assessed the situation – and you lie knowing you could just as easily tell the truth – as you already have the courage, then this is when it’s okay to lie. Be careful and remember:

It takes a lifetime to build trust, and only an instant to destroy it.

Part three of this course provides you with many tips, techniques, and pieces of advice to help you correctly apologize. The advice I’m about to share with you will help you in ways beyond an apology. The tips can be applied to many areas of your life and communication as you will soon see.

What It Means to Correctly Apologize: To Be Forgiven and Forgotten?

Some people think apologizing correctly is as simple as saying “sorry” for a mistake. This is a shallow understanding of what you need to achieve in an apology. The goal of apologizing – and what I define as “apologizing correctly” – is when the person you hurt accepts your apology and forgives you. The person neither rejects your apology by saying something like “no need to apologize” nor holds the mistake against you. Things do not necessarily return to how they were before.

It is beyond the purpose of an apology to make your relationship stronger or indifferent before your mistake. The severity of the mistake affects the relationship, not so much the apology. If you keep screwing up with mistake after mistake, you can have successfully apologized when the person forgives you, but your relationship can still be different.

There is a lot of confusion about the old phrase “We must not forget; but we must forgive”. We know forgiveness is a must. Without it, the person unwilling to forgive emotionally suffers, often leaving the person who did the damage unscathed. But where does forgetting sit in a successful apology? Should we aim to have our mistakes forgotten by those we hurt?

If another person holds the bitter memories and resentment of your mistake against you, the person has not forgiven. It is impossible, however, to forget the mistake of another. Forgiveness heals the past releasing ill will against the person. Not forgetting provides a memory of the pain that guides future actions. Forgiveness and forgetting are closely knit together yet define different things.

An apology is successful when it is accepted and the mistake is no longer held against you. The person may not forget your mistake, but he or she forgives you, no longer resents you for the mistake, and does not use the mistake to manipulate you. Resentment, frustration, anger, gossip, bitterness, ill will, and other outward manifestations of hatred are erased upon a successful apology. Someone with these emotions signals the person has yet to forgive.

The person forgives you for your mistake. Resentment, frustration, anger, gossip, bitterness, ill will, and other outward manifestations of hatred are erased.

Now that a successful apology is defined, note that a correct apology can do so much. There is no iron-clad, fool-proof, guaranteed technique to successfully apologize. Sometimes you need to suffer through your mistakes and bear the punishment. Apologizing can sometimes be a bandage on a wound to help heal the pain. If the wound is repeatedly reopened, it is not the bandage’s fault, but the person who inflicted the pain. Most people can forgive you so many times before they lose trust in you. A reoccurring problem needs to be handled instead of expecting an apology to make amends.

Though apologizing correctly can be difficult, use the following tips. You will fix your mistakes, repair your relationships, and initiate emotional healing and freedom. Master these tips and you will be equipped with the tools to repair emotional damage from your mistakes.

Create a Simple Plan

Plan what you’re about to say by thinking through your apology beforehand. Prepare yourself to give a sincere apology. Write down your apology to clarify your thoughts so you increase the chances of it being a success.

When intense emotions fly everywhere in a situation like in a heated argument, it’s hard to think of what you want to express yet alone say it in a constructive manner. Intense emotions blind you to constructively express your thoughts. Plan your thoughts before going “live” with your apology to increase the likelihood of a successful apology. A plan guides you helping you not deviate with relationship damaging statements too common in emotionally intense situations.

The same lesson in planning carries over to help you set then achieve life goals. Success stems from seeds planted from planning. Planning nurtures golden relationships.

Take Responsibility

Admit you hurt the person. Your innate social intelligence will give you an intuition or feeling when you hurt someone. If you hurt the person by saying something offensive, admit your mistake. Don’t say, “You shouldn’t be offended by what I said.” Avoid a non-apology (from part two on barriers and mistakes made in apologizing), which involves blaming the other person while simultaneously giving a poor apology. Here are non-apology examples:

• “I apologize to those I hurt because of their loss.”
• “I’m deeply sorry for those who I may have offended.”
• “Please take my apology if you were offended by what I said.”

These examples appear to be apologies, but are attempts to avoid responsibility. Own up to the mistake and take responsibility regardless of your intentions and whether it truly hurt the person. The little voice that deters you from responsibility and apologizing is your ego. Egos are filled with deceitful lies and pride.

How to Time Your Apology

Apologize straight away for a little problem to prevent it growing into a big one. If you accidentally step on someone’s foot, say “sorry” straight away instead of apologizing at a later time. (I’m sure the person will think you’ve got some serious problems if you write an apology for stepping on their foot.)

For a more serious problem, take the time to get in a good environment where you can honestly apologize and the person can safely respond. Keep out of the “boiling room” by trying to apologize when the two of you have red-hot emotions.

It may help to give the person time after your apology. You can have all the right ingredients for a meal, but time is needed to cook the ingredients. Provide the person with extra space to let the person come to terms with what happened. Letting your apology seep in could be what makes your apology successful.

Explain What Happened

Why did you make the mistake? You are not justifying what you did (this would only make your apology worse). Let the person know of your faults. Become vulnerable. Explain to the person that you didn’t see them there, you let your anger get the better of you, you were ignorant, you should have understood them better – whatever the mistake maybe.

Explain why you did what you did without blaming the mistake on external circumstances. It is tempting when explaining your mistake to shift the explanation onto the other person. You start off by saying, “I’m sorry for not taking out the garbage…” then your selfishness can kick in as you say “…but I always take out the rubbish and you don’t ever do it!” Explain the problem, but don’t convert it into someone else’s problem through a non-apology.

Use the who, what, why, when, and how to get you started in explaining your mistake. A full explanation can be unnecessary. Just say what you think will help clarify the situation between you two.

One last point about explaining is to avoid going overboard with your apologies and make a big issue over something small. It’s annoying to have someone constantly say “sorry” or use other forms of apologizing when you have forgiven the person and moved on. When the person forgives you, move on.

Sympathy – Display Your Social Emotions

Sympathy is a powerful “social emotion”. It is an expression of pain felt by the person you hurt. Social emotions create cooperation and understanding. We do not learn in school how to feel another person’s pain. We have innate social emotions that make us feel, behave, and act in a way that complies with social codes.

Remorse, embarrassment, and guilt are important emotions to display in your verbal and nonverbal communication when giving an apology.

Remorse, embarrassment, and guilt are important emotions to display in your verbal and nonverbal communication when giving an apology. A guilty individual showing remorse is more likely to give a successful apology than someone who hides social emotions.

Display sorrow for your actions. Communicate sympathy to show you understand the person’s pain and your mistakes. If you want, you can go one step further than sympathy by showing empathy. Try hard to experience what the person feels. (See here for a more detailed discussion on sympathy versus empathy.) The pain connects the two of you to build understanding and harmony.

Share the person’s pain by reflecting your feelings about the mistake with something as simple as:

• “I’m sorry I lied to you. I feel guilty that I’ve let you down.”
• “Having scratched the car, I feel ashamed that something so careless will hurt our finances.”
• “I feel I have let you down and hurt our relationship by yelling at you.”

A common misunderstanding with sympathy is you focus on yourself, diverting attention from the hurt person. Sympathy shows the person you also suffer from your blunder. The person will be more understanding and willing to discuss their feelings because you expressed yours. The person may even be happy to receive this bit of secret revenge. If someone hurts us, we get a little kick of happiness seeing them also suffer from their actions.

Review What Happened

If an apology failed, do not take it personally. Failure is a result, not a person. If your apology failed and you are certain you successfully applied all these tips, try alternative forms of apologizing, such as writing an apology or getting someone else to apologize for you. Do not forget that letting time pass could make your apology a success.

On the other hand, if your apology was successful, congratulations! Be grateful for the person’s forgiveness and a second chance. Learn from your mistake and move on.

Do not dwell on the past. You have a great future ahead of you. Make use of it by putting your attention on what you can do this very moment to improve the relationship. You are now ready to complete emotional healing and freedom with forgiveness.

Links to all four parts of this course, “Freeing Yourself From Mistakes and Pain: A Four Part Course On Apologizing and Emotional Freedom”:

1. The Power of Apologizing
2. Barriers and Mistakes in Apologizing
3. How to Correctly Apologize
4. How to Forgive and Be Forgiven – The Art of Forgiveness

The second part of this course reveals the common barriers, problems, and mistakes you face when you apologize and ask for forgiveness. Learning the correct actions and methods to apologize is not enough. It helps your understanding and success if you also know what not to do.

You are also going to discover something called a “non-apology apology”. That is no typo. You have heard a non-apology apology given by a politician. You likely have used this poor habit to escape a situation where you wanted to avoid an apology.

Barriers to Apologizing

You know how important apologizing is after reading the first part of the course, but let’s assume you still cannot bring yourself to apologize. The benefits of apologizing have not built enough reason for you to pursue the pleasure and avoid the pain of an apology. Maybe you are experiencing excessive workloads and stress. Maybe you don’t have the courage to confront the person face-to-face. If this is the case, I encourage you to build your confidence and throw away your pride. You will be glad you did.

As explained in part one, we often avoid an apology because of fear. The primary fear I think people have when apologizing is the idea that apologizing puts down your protective shield, which leaves you vulnerable for an attack by the other person. You fear the ramifications of your actions. People with this fear think the problem is best left in the dark because an apology puts the problem under a light to amplify the issue.

Part of this fear may actually be real because the topic you should discuss could be bottled inside of you and your would-be conversational partner. An apology could open a bottle of soft drink. Depending on the severity each of you have been shaken, a lot of fizz could spurt out. Anger, confrontation, and frustration will shoot forth when either of you are shaken up and previously unopened to the other person.

An apology could open a bottle of soft drink. Depending on the severity each of you have been shaken, a lot of fizz could spurt forth.

Be humble, calm, and lose a self-centered approach to control this fear. If the fear is minor, you simply tell the person your fear and why you have it before giving your apology. That itself can open up communication.

When you apologize, it helps to remember that being scared of confrontation with the person comes from wanting to protect yourself. You fear responsibility for your actions. However, don’t expect the person to treat you like an angel. After all, you screwed up otherwise an apology would be unnecessary.

Another likely barrier to you apologizing is a fear that it signals weakness. You think the person receives power over you. “I’m better than you! I win! You apologized!” Yeah right. A failure to apologize communicates to yourself that you are weak because there is an imbalance between your courage and your ego.

When you admit a mistake and ask to be forgiven, your self-centeredness lowers, your courage rises, and balance exists with you and the other person. Weakness and vulnerability is a misnomer about apologizing. “It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity,” said Stephen Covey, author of the bestselling The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. “A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize.”

Your goal in apologizing is not to keep your pride alive or to let the other person “win”. Aim to develop a good relationship. There is no winners or losers. The two of you play on the same team and must work together towards a quality relationship.

The Most Common Mistake: A Non-Apology Apology

We are taught early in life to say “please” and “thank you” to satisfy parents. Most of us never understood the full intent behind gratitude. At the same time, we are taught to apologize by saying, “I’m sorry” because our parents made us. We miss the true reason for an apology.

From a young age we continue to shy away from true apologies by using a bad habit called a non-apology apology. A non-apology apology is a forced apology to the offended person, because it’s the right thing to do, without any realization or belief about one’s mistake. It’s an extension of the forced apology our parents made us give when we were young – except we say the non-apology apology to please the other person.

For examples of non-apologies, look no further than politicians. These adorable people are filled with this poor apology. One example is Bill Clinton’s remarks regarding the Lewinsky scandal. President Clinton confessed his relationship with Lewinsky was “wrong”, but failed to experience guilt. It was said about his talk that Clinton aimed to protect what he had done. We see Clinton detached from his sorrow when he said, “It is important to me that everybody who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine: first and most important, my family; also my friends, my staff, my Cabinet, Monica Lewinsky and her family, and the American people.”

Another non-apology I came across was in the NFL. Detroit Lion’s president Matt Millen used an inappropriate term for gays when he confronted a fellow NFL player. “He made an inappropriate remark,” said Millen, “and I reacted inappropriately. I said something I shouldn’t have, which was wrong, and I apologize for that. And I apologize to anybody that I offended with that remark.” That is filled with non-apology apologies.

Another example I found of many was Pierre Boivin, Montreal Canadiens’ President, when he apologized for fans booing the American national anthem. Boivin said, “We apologize to anyone who may have been offended by this incident.”

It is a growing trend to say sorry on the condition you hurt someone – instead of admitting your mistake regardless of someone’s pain that compels you to apologize. The non-apology apology requires someone to be hurt and implies offended people are partially to blame for their reaction. Some more examples:

• “I’m sorry for not mowing the lawn even though it does not require cutting.”
• “I apologize if I hurt anyone.”
• “Please take my apology if you were offended by what I said.”
• Jim Buzinski over at Out Sports is trying to discourage the non-apology apology. He has plenty of good examples of this mistake in his article, Apology Not Accepted.

To show the delicacy of apologizing, look at this apology: “I’m sorry I lied to you. I feel guilty that I’ve let you down.” All you do is insert an “if” into the first sentence (“I’m sorry if I lied to you”) to destroy a good apology with a non-apology apology.

A non-apology apology is said to please the hurt person to keep them quiet while protecting yourself. It puts the onus on those we upset by implying the victim is wrong. There is no remorse and sorrow. Guilt and responsibility is absent in a non-apology apology.

An awareness of these common barriers and mistakes will have you ready to successfully apologize. Knowing what not to do will guide you with what to do.

You are now ready to improve your relationship by learning how to correctly apologize to heal the damage that set the two of you apart.

Links to all four parts of this course, “Freeing Yourself From Mistakes and Pain: A Four Part Course On Apologizing and Emotional Freedom”:

1. The Power of Apologizing
2. Barriers and Mistakes in Apologizing
3. How to Correctly Apologize
4. How to Forgive and Be Forgiven – The Art of Forgiveness

To begin the course, what is your reaction to learning about apologizing and forgiveness? Take a few seconds to think about it.

You probably feel neutral and unexcited learning about apologizing and forgiveness like most people. You assume a shallow understanding of a powerfully deep topic. A closed mind literally steals your ability to grasp new information to change your life.

Why do people avoid learning about apologizing when it has tremendous benefits? People think like this for three reasons:

1. They think they know how to apologize. Just like the many people who have yet to start learning effective communication skills, so are these people with apologizing. They think they have the necessary skills, but in reality their thoughts blind themselves from opportunities to improve their lives and relationships. When you say you know what is right, you use the number one technique to destroy learning: ignorance. You close your mind because it is too full to accommodate further information.
2. They think it is irrelevant. These people think apologizing is not worth it and a waste of time to learn.
3. They are too lazy. These people cannot be bothered to learn. Hopefully, you don’t fit in this category. But if you do, there is nothing I can do about it. It is your choice and your life. Don’t blame other people for the events in your life because of your decision to avoid responsibility for who you become.

These excuses to avoid emotional healing are sadly limiting because we always make mistakes. Mistake after mistake. It doesn’t stop. I’m not only talking about physical accidents, but mistakes we make with our relationships. We say things that hurt others. We can be ignorant in loving our family. We can be emotionally blind to those in need.

You Have Two Decisions Make

Take a momentary leap of faith to expand your awareness and grasp the powers of apologizing and forgiveness to free yourself from mistakes and pain. Accept a level of awareness and openness to change. Having done this, you have two decisions to make in dealing with your mistakes.

A successful apology is a radical movement from pain to empowerment.

First, you need reduction. You will never eliminate mistakes, but you can reduce the number by learning more about yourself and developing your communication like you’re doing with my newsletter, social skills blog, and this course. Characters in Soap Operas are the worst role models to follow to improve your communication because the characters continue to screw up, fight, make up, and repeat the process (it is drama after all). Communicate more effectively to avoid relationship blunders that create emotional pain.

Second, you need to cope. You will always make mistakes that hurt people. Learn to live with your mistakes as they will always exist. Coping can be ignorance or passive acceptance, but for our purpose it is learning to better manage ourselves with inevitable events.

This course focuses on the coping component of emotional healing because the first decision of reduction is an ongoing process achieved through continual learning. A successful apology is not just saying “sorry” – it is a radical movement from pain to empowerment.

What Happens When You Fail to Apologize

A large barrier faces each of us in emotional healing: the difficulty of an apology. We get ensnared in thoughts about ourselves by holding onto pride. We can be selfish and not willing to admit our most obvious mistakes. Pride eats away at us as we argue or, at the other end of the continuum, ignore the mistake to defend even an obvious wrongdoing. Pride ensnares us in its cage of lies as we defend our self-centered minds, ignoring guilt that would restore harmony.

I have been there. I had too much pride and selfishness to apologize to a loved one I hurt. When I did want to apologize, I couldn’t bring myself to face the person. The result was a hurt relationship and less happiness for me because I ignored the guilt that could have helped me apologize, seek forgiveness, and get emotional restoration.

Pride ensnares us in its cage of lies as we defend our self-centered minds.

In shifting the focus on apologizing away from you, what does avoiding an apology do to other people? They feel hurt that you are unwilling to communicate your mistake. They lose trust in you as you hide behind your mistake. They become angry towards you, wondering why you will not tell them the truth. They may begin to counter your lack of apologies by not apologizing themselves as the relationship goes downhill with the two of you caught in a power struggle.

Communicate your mistakes. Show your guilt. Tell the person how bad you feel. A mistake you make is like a scratch on the skin. By not apologizing you deepen the wound and rub salt into it. Stop hurting the other person and yourself, and learn to apologize. There is real power in apologizing and emotional healing.

9 Powerful Benefits in Apologizing

If you feel you have little reason to start apologizing already, here are more reasons and the amazing power of apologizing:

1. The healing process begins when you apologize. This is the most powerful benefit of apologizing. People hold grudges and resentment against those who fail to apologize and admit their mistakes. By apologizing, you put yourself on the same wavelength as those hurt by your mistakes. You see the wrongdoing they see in you. Their resentment diminishes as they become more capable of moving on and freeing themselves from the past.
2. While emotional healing in other people can be initiated from apologizing, it can also start self-healing. The next time you apologize, note how free it feels to admit your wrongdoing. It is liberating to free yourself from guilt that would plague you for days, weeks, and sometimes years. Don’t be a person whose past is a burden until the day you die.
3. People are more likely to follow your actions when you admit your mistakes and reveal your weaknesses. Their courage builds to practice the power of an apology. They see it is the better choice to follow. Apologizing produces guilt in people for the better. They may become aware of their mistake, feel safe, then apologize.
4. We are flawed. If we were cars, we would breakdown every 50 miles. Mistakes are inevitable regardless of your intentions to do good. Apologies are necessary to balance your life.
5. If someone hurts you, it is justice to have them apologize to you. For some reason this is not the case when we hurt someone. The hurting person desires your sympathy as much as you desire their sympathy when they hurt you.
6. Apologizing gives back what you took. You restore the victim’s feeling of worthiness and self-esteem. They no longer feel burdened nor responsible for your mistake. This benefit of apologizing is especially true in children.
7. By having complete responsibility for your actions, you possess an enormous amount of self-control. You are no longer a victim of others. You stop blaming people for what you can control. You become your own person. You create your own destiny.
8. A sincere apology shows effort in a relationship. It shows you care for the person. That’s an entire different approach to avoiding mistakes in an attempt to “secretly get by”. By not apologizing you sweep dirt under a rug. An avoided problem is likely to reappear and bite you when you least expect it at the worst possible time.
9. You build courage and become a confident person. When apologizing and asking for forgiveness, you rise above the destructive compulsion to avoid remorse. You no longer cover your behavior; you bring your behavior into the light. Tough conversations take courage! Your new-found courage will roll into other areas of your life as you begin to address difficult issues you avoided in the past.

Who would have thought there is this many benefits in apologizing! In fact, there is a lot more power in emotional healing and freeing yourself from the past. Read the rest of this free course to receive the many powers of apologizing.

Links to all four parts of this course, “Freeing Yourself From Mistakes and Pain: A Four Part Course On Apologizing and Emotional Freedom”:

1. The Power of Apologizing
2. Barriers and Mistakes in Apologizing
3. How to Correctly Apologize
4. How to Forgive and Be Forgiven – The Art of Forgiveness

Two years following the incident in a New York Times article, it was reported Jason raised his grade average to 4.614 (exceeding the perfect average of 4) by taking advanced courses and graduated with highest honors. He was smart.

Jason got better than perfect grades and still emotionally lost himself by trying to wound or kill his teacher. He could never improve his grade by stabbing his teacher. How can someone as smart as Jason do something so dumb?

The answer? Smart can be dumb. Studies show there is little to no correlation between IQ and emotional intelligence and that smart people are as likely to be good at communicating as “dumb people”. But I’ve observed smart people with poor communication skills make common mistakes in their communication. Intelligence can work against you.

How to Be Successful and Smart

I regard myself as an intelligent guy. I was no Einstein but got good marks in Mathematics, Physics, and other technical subjects. I graduated high school with the highest marks of my year level. I began a degree in Engineering, majoring in Mechatronics, an area of study that integrates mechanics, electronics, and computing. I would be able to design robotics and cybernetic systems – the wave of the future. Such skills would surely give me an edge in life.

After one year of study with decent marks, I began to see two major classes of students. The first category of student turned up to few lectures, partied every weekend, enjoyed a great social life, and did minimal work to pass courses. The second category of students were intelligent, hard workers, got good grades, and were very focused on their studies. Surely these intelligent, hard-working students would fill the great jobs before the lazier class of student?

Not so. Students are often shocked upon graduation that their technical qualifications are unimportant. Students in school are lead to believe their academic knowledge is the primary determinat of a great job and success. Howard Gardner in Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences defines various types of intelligence and emphasizes that schools are too focused on logic and linguistic intelligence. Robert Kiyosaki in Rich Dad, Poor Dad is a more famous author that demotes the common belief that the government’s education system leads students to wealth and success. Malcom Gladwell’s Outliers contains further proof that IQ has little correlation with achievement.

Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence, says that IQ is too narrow to predicate success. The implications of emotional intelligence, which is summarized as an understanding of your emotions and the emotions of other people, are profound in communication and many areas of life. “Emotional Intelligence is a master aptitude, a capacity that profoundly affects all other abilities,” says Goleman, “either facilitating or interfering with them.”

Graduates enter the workforce only to realize that co-workers hate them, less intelligent people are the ones receiving promotions, and sucking up to the boss doesn’t help personal earnings. The students have “hard skills” such as technical know-how, but they lack the “soft skills” like conflict management and social etiquette. The transition for intelligent people from being goal-oriented to process and people-oriented is usually realized through experience.

It’s not that people dislike you because of your intelligence; it’s that people dislike you because you’re rude, not understanding, or annoying to be around.

If you have experience in hiring people, you know the importance of people skills. A person’s knowledge can be useless in some industries when the person has no people skills. You can have great ideas, theories, and solve complex problems, but if you cannot effectively communicate that material in a persuasive and exciting manner by relating to your fellow human, you face an uphill battle in whatever challenges you encounter. It’s not that people dislike you because of your intelligence; it’s that people dislike you because you’re rude, not understanding, or annoying to be around. The intelligent person with poor communication skills is insensitive.

Hopefully I can reveal the elusive obvious to you in this little exercise. I want you to think back to primary school or high school. Perhaps even college. Select the most memorable class to you.

I want you to categorize, and roughly rank, class members based on two sets of criteria: intelligence and popularity. You don’t need to go through every class member, but recall those at the end of each spectrum. That is, remember the smartest few in the class and the most popular few in the class. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, give a person a rank of ten in intelligence if you feel they were the most intelligent in the class. For the students who had lots of friends, give them a ten in the popularity category. Try to categorize roughly six students. If you have problems remembering, quickly write the ranks down on paper.

Now, with the students you have ranked in one category, rank them in the other category. So if you have ranked the smartest student as a ten in the intelligence category, give the person a rank you feel is appropriate in the popularity category. Do the same for students you ranked in the popularity category.

Now that you have several people in each category, think about the difference between the student-types.

Genius-Failure Paradox

Did you noticed a distinguishable difference in the students you ranked during the exercise? No difference may exist, but most who do this exercise notice the intelligent lack friends. The smartest were generally not very popular because they had poor social skills. Presumptuous? Likely, no.

Smarter, wealthier, or generally people who have feelings of superiority, refuse to seek help in dealing with people.

All intelligent people do not have poor people skills just like all unintelligent people do not have good people skills. You may think, “But I know someone who is smart and great with people.” Good. So do I. Intelligence and people skills are not mutually exclusive characteristics. Having one does not mean you cannot have the other.

Academically intelligent people fail in predictable areas of their lives for predictable reasons. What makes matters worse is they avoid solving the dilemma because of pride. The genius-failure paradox describes that people who want to feel smarter, wealthier, or generally superior to others refuse to seek help in dealing with people. You can feel inferior learning a skill like communication that you believe should be natural. To learn such a skill is an admission to your weakness and stupidity.

How the Problem Begins in Childhood

A study titled Reading Difficulties, Behavior, and Social Status published in the Journal of Educational Psychology, found that 81% of children referred to aggression and social behaviour as the number one reason for disliking another child. As children age, the researchers found that a child’s academic performance increased their peer acceptance.

The study also found that achievement and other factors are influential to peer acceptance. We do need to keep in mind that peer acceptance does not equate to only social skills. Peer acceptance can increase due to one variable that is completely unrelated to communication. What we can take from this study is that right from the beginning of our social interactions, we are liked or dislike based on our behaviour and social skills.

Herpreet Kaur Grewal in an article titled Lack of Social Skills Can Make Poor Even Poorer, refers to a study done by the Institute for Public Policy Research. The study confirms that the economy makes interpersonal skills as important as academic skills. Grewal says, “Those with good social skills born into poor families are 14% more likely to be well-off by age 30 than a similarly under-privileged person with average social skills.” The study presents a few interesting points that are worth noting for the purpose of this article.

Firstly, social skills and other communication skills were found to be more important later in life. Maybe you’ve experienced the same thing. When you were young, you could get away with yelling at other kids. You could even fight with little or no repercussions. Should you punch someone at work in the face tomorrow (I hope I haven’t given you any ideas) because of your inability to resolve conflict, the quality of your professional and personal life will suffer.

A second finding of interest to us is that the best way children can develop the communication skills required for life are through organized activities. These groups should have children of diverse ages, experiences, and interests, as well as adult leaders that provide guidance to the young group. The adult leaders typically have a goal they want the children to achieve together. Team sports are a good example of activities that fit the described criteria to help children develop their social skills. Even for mature adults, interacting with diverse individuals improves their communication skills because it requires a person to adapt and understand different people.

The implications of these findings on this article are vague, but I present them to you for your curiosity. Do smarter people participate in fewer organized activities that fit the criteria of developing children’s social skills? Do smarter people participate in more singular extra-curricular activities like learning to play a musical instrument? Is their a trade-off between social interaction and increasing your intelligence? Do the less-intelligent individuals spend their time in these socially-beneficial activities instead of studying?

One thing we do know is that social skills and other communication skills need to be frequently practiced. While people can naturally have the gift of the gab, be emotionally intelligent, or easily win friends, communication skills atrophy without use.

Poor communication skills can put you in a dangerous cyclic effect. Poor communication deters you from situations that require those skills, further decreasing your social skills. If a boy has poor communication skills during developmental years because he did not participate in activities like football that Grewal speaks of as important for social development, he can struggle to get out of the rut due to the cyclic effect of avoiding social situations.

Common Mistakes Smart People Make in Communication

Intelligent people solve problems with their superior logic. The individuals use rational thinking to eliminate problems. A dilemma arises when they attempt to solve an emotional problem with their logic.

The logic dilemma is partly given birth from an intelligent person’s love of information. Locating information makes life easier. With the Internet being a superhighway for information, intelligent people are inclined to read, learn, and analyse their issues via the World Wide Web. (Maybe that’s why you’re reading this article).

However, communication skills are skills. Communication skills are not information. Any skill develops through practice. If you are an intelligent person, I still want you to learn about communication skills, but know that acting on your knowledge is more likely to be a bottleneck in your personal development than gathering more information.

Intelligent people see problems and provide solutions – a harmful formula for human relations.

Back to the logic dilemma, people are an illogical formula. If people were a formula they would be defined by 1 + 1 = 3. Logic and intelligence cannot explain the complexities of human emotion. Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, emphasizes the importance of emotion in human relations and the little influence logic has on our behavior. “When dealing with people,” says Carnegie, “remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.”

In my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program, I define two distinguishing behaviors of people that fall into the logical trap. Firstly is a common mistake we all make: we point out the obvious. Stating the obvious is frustrating and emotionally ignorant. Some examples include:

• “Breaking up with a guy is tough. Don’t worry, there’s the right man for you out there somewhere.” This starts well, but then the person says the emotionally-ignorant obvious.
• “I can’t believe you burned my toast. That’s stupid.” Do you really think he or she burned the toast on purpose?
• “Wow. I’m so sorry to hear about the burglar breaking into your car. You really should have locked your doors.” Thanks for the advice… Idiot!

The second common logical mistake is making factual statements. People make the factual statement mistake when they talk about an emotional issue with logic and rational. An indicator of this type of mistake is when the respondent says, “You don’t get it” or “You’re missing the point”.

As an example of the factual statement mistake, Jill is talking to her good friend Michael, an intelligent guy, about her recent break up. Jill begins to “open herself up” and discuss her broken relationship. The emotions she communicates are uncomfortable to Michael. As is common with smart people, Michael perceives Jill’s affliction and his own discomfort in clear terms. He does not see muddled emotions. He sees pain; not resentment and anguish; or hatred; not partial likeness and hatred.

Michael wants to resolve Jill’s hurt. In his black and white world, Michael sees clear emotions, problems, and provides a solution. He thinks giving her advice is best for her wellbeing. He may use his intelligence to give advice, provide reassurance, or create some other communication barrier. Intelligent people see problems and provide solutions – a harmful formula for human relations.

The logic-driven communication used by Michael frustrates Jill. Jill isn’t after a solution; she wants someone to empathize with her and understand what she feels. Michael is too intent on resolving problems and providing advice.

People want to emotionally connect with you. You cannot connect and make friends, however, when you erect an emotional barrier with advice and factual statements. To overcome this problem, I strongly recommend you get the Communication Secrets of Powerful People program then read chapters 9 and 10.

Combating Emotions with Logic

People today think they need to conquer their emotions. The smart, possibly think this more so because of their problem-solving habits and intellect. Popular self-help myths lead us to believe that emotions like depression and anger must be manipulated to achieve happiness.

Goleman says, “Even the most academically brilliant among us are vulnerable to being undone by unruly emotions.” Take for example, anxiety. The smart often try to suppress an emotion such as anxiety with self-talk (“I shouldn’t be worried about this”) to free themselves from what they do not want to feel. The secret cure to social anxiety, however, is acceptance of anxiety and doing what you are afraid of. Through this action day-by-day you can live on purpose. Goleman says that our fears, anxieties, anger, and emotions guide our everyday lives.

When intelligent people cannot resolve an issue, they may complain and blame others for the outcome. Their knowledge and past experience in solving problems causes them to look beyond themselves to explain why the problem remains. Even when they blame outsiders, a smart person may conclude that because a problem in unsolved, it cannot be solved or it is not worth the effort to solve.

Pat Wagner from Pattern Research, a Colorado company that provides organisations with a communication programs, says smart people tend to convert their self-diagnosed failings into virtues. They use their intellect to convert emotional weaknesses into strengths. Wagner terms them as smart flaws.

One particular smart flaw I used that Wagner mentioned was not starting a conversation because it would be a waste of time. The real reason I didn’t start a conversation was my fear. I was scared ****less. Now I am more aware of my most common smart flaws, I stop myself in my tracks when I use them then identify the real reason why I rationalize my behavior. Whenever I do not talk to someone because “it is a waste of time”, I now realize it could be because I am not dealing with my emotions. I maybe hiding: the fear of talking to strangers, feelings of unhappiness, or the anxiety that I will be boring.

Another emotional weakness with smart people – particularly guys when they want to approach a woman – is fear. “A smart guy’s strength is his mind,” says David DeAngelo, a dating coach for men. “His weakness is often his emotions. Smart guys are often immobilized by fear.”

Women wonder why men struggle to walk up then talk with them even when a woman sends obvious signals of interest that she wants to chat. A guy’s analytical mind switches on immobilizing him from action. A thousand crazy scenarios and potential problems race through his head in psychological war.

The problem for intelligent people who think a lot is they think a lot.

The analytical mind has its purpose. The mind has served humanity well in the past to get us where we are today. It has identified predators, threats, and immediate dangers.

The problem for intelligent people who think a lot is they think a lot! They tend to plan everything before taking action, which causes them to lose spontaneity and be boring. Such behavior may result in neediness, validation, and indecisiveness.

In social situations, over-analysis is a killer mistake. Intelligent people try to mind-read people in conversations. They micro-manage their interactions based on analytical feedback. This drives their fear and uncertainty in conversations.

The next time you catch yourself micro-managing your conversations and worrying what the other person thinks, remember the other person is likely to be more concerned with what you think about them. Remind yourself that you cannot mind-read – and trying to do so only creates anxiety. Live in the moment more often and you will notice people naturally attract to you.

A few last points I want to make on logical strength and emotional weakness deal with conversation. We hunger for emotional connection in conversations. We love drama, fun, and controversy. Facts, logic, and technical subjects are often boring and too complex. The emotional side of conversations engage people. Academically intelligent people may focus too much on logical topics. Women are especially interested in any type of drama. Watch their eyes light up when you talk about the latest celebrity fashion stuff ups and other popular dramas.

Another emotional weakness, in addition to the subject of conversations, is the vocabulary used. Academics often use technical vocabulary to prove their intelligence – a killer of rapport. Simple, duh-duh, language is more effective than technical linguistics and non-methodologically circumstantial language that homosapiens find distateful. The same goes for writing to keep people interested. I try to write in a casual way – similar to how a conversation goes; not technical stuff, things, and other types of stuff, you know? This last reason is why so many great findings in academic journals go hidden for years. The general public cannot be bothered reading jargon.

On that last point of being too technical for people, something that may interest you is how some people write emails to me. I teach communication, but that does not mean being technical, using complex vocabulary, and trying to be intelligent helps build rapport. You can tell the difference. Here’s one example of a technical email I received last week:

Dear Joshua. Allow me to extend my formal gratitude in your beautiful array of teachings…

The intent behind such emails is great. The problem when you speak in jargon is the person you talk or write to does not feel connected with you. Lots of organizations fail hard with this principle when handling complaints.

Let’s compare that email example with this one:

Hey Joshua. Thanks heaps for the articles. I’ve learned that… You’ve helped me improve my relationship with my partner because…

Can you sense the difference? The last example is more friendly, but not overly casual. The person in the first example who appears intelligent does not “connect” because they are too technical. Even if you are intelligent and have a complex vocabulary, use terminology the other person uses to build rapport. Do not try prove your intelligence. We want to improve your communication skills, not boost your ego.

A Little-Known Secret to Learn Communication Skills

Take a moment to imagine you have traveled back in time to the Stone Age with a smart friend. You and your friend arrive amongst a tribe when two saber-toothed tigers approach. What choice do you make: 1) Do you get help from your intelligent friend? or 2) Do you rely on tribe members that are intelligent as your dog back home, but you know they have spent their lifetime surviving and adapting to the environment?

Our trip in time to the Stone Age shows us that intelligence does not equate to survival and other important skills. Stone Age dwellers were far from the level of intelligence people have today. I remember hearing a strange statistic that the decisions we make when reading a newspaper (such as skimming sections, understanding an article, and selecting what to read) in one day exceeds the total decisions made by prehistoric people in their lifetime.

Intelligence doesn’t equate to effective communication skills.

Intelligent people must acknowledge their expertise is limited. You cannot be an expert in everything. Intelligence does not equate to effective communication skills. A person from the Stone Age is sure to teach you something. Instead of being right, concede you do not know everything about communication.

Find the first steps you need to take to develop expertise in an area of your interest – even from someone of less intelligence. If you are interested in how to hold a conversation, the dumbass you hate may teach you a lot. Find what you need to do first then take the next step.

The Attitude You Need to Develop an Amazing Life

What happens to intelligent people who struggle in their social life? They keep quite. Intelligent people are habituated in solving problems, being an expert, and working things out themselves so they refuse to ask for help. They choose to freeze themselves with fear and uncertainty than ask someone about social skills. There are several interesting reasons for rationalization and smart flaws.

Not in all cases, but smart people look down on less intelligent people. No way will an intelligent person ask someone less intelligent for help. If the intelligent person is also wealthy, not in a million years. To seek help from someone with less intelligence is demeaning to the ego and a sign of weakness.

People of less intelligence are not inferior. Their friends are not weird or immature. These are smart flaws. I sometimes catch myself thinking that someone with less intelligence or less skill cannot teach me. What a dangerous lie that is. You can learn from someone with an IQ of 60. Accept it. You will be more desirable when humbling yourself.

When helping an intelligent person improve their communication, it is good to explain how their expertise will strengthen when their communication skills strengthen. Dale Carnegie talks about appealing to those characteristics you want in others to create those characteristics. Intelligent people know they are smart. One such statement in appealing to those good characteristics for changing the intelligent person’s behavior would go along the lines of, “You and I know you’re an intelligent person. Improving your communication is another way of showing people your intelligence, expertise, and good skill-set.”

Another explanation of why smart people do not seek help is that social skills are assumed to be natural. People skills can be a laughable skill to develop. If you need to develop your people skills, you could be labeled as a “loser”. Intelligent people cannot risk humiliation when they ask for help. They need to maintain their feelings of importance.

It is easy to talk about the necessity of seeking help, but seeking help is tough. No one by their own can gather the life skills to overcome personal problems. There is no shame in seeking help; only shame in not seeking help.

Quietening your ego proves your expertise more than stubbornness. People will be attracted to you when you are not obsessed with being right. Asking for advice is a secret technique to make people feel important and increase your personal magnetism. Withholding your intelligence can win you friends, even if you do not play dumb like Arthur Schopenhauer suggests:

It is a real recommendation to be stupid. For just as warmth is agreeable to the body, so it does the mind good to feel its superiority; and a man will seek company likely to give him this feeling, as instinctively as he will approach the fireplace or walk in the sun if he wants to get warm. But this means that he will be disliked on account of his superiority; and if a man is to be liked, he must really be inferior in point of intellect.

There are millions of lessons waiting for you to be discovered in conversations. Listen, empathize, and make friends to discover the lessons. Then you will be smart.

(I have posted people’s comments from an older version of the article below.)