Self-help is the act of improving yourself without reliance on others. It extends beyond motivation books and popular psychology to include other ways humans communicate. There’s forums, everyday conversations, seminars, webinars, and books.

The term “self-help junkie” was coined to describe someone who attends seminars and buys many books, DVDs, and CDs on the subject. Junkies fuel the $8 billion dollar industry in America alone.

Self-help addicts are sometimes like heroin addicts jumping between experts wanting their next fix. The educational sources become a source of comfort and security to avoid what really is going on as they intellectualize lessons and never build the learning only possible from action. This article reveals the harsh reality about this dangerous industry that some gurus wish you didn’t know.

The Two Dangers of Self-Help

Pennsylvania clinical psychologist Dr John Norcross says self-help can damage you in two ways. Both are costly, time-consuming, and energy-depleting.

The first general danger of self-help is the direct harm, which includes a misdiagnosis or ignorance of a declining condition. Think of it like a well-intended mother issuing aspirin to remove a headache when the cause is cancer. The dangers are real except with personal development the issues are not physical, but often mental and emotional. Selection of the right helpful material is tricky. A wrong decision can leave you worse off.

There’s a lot going in your mind and body unknown to you. You can know your body is sick because you have a headache and feel weak, but you could have one of hundreds of potential health problems originating from poor eating, harmful drinking, disease, and so forth. Similarly, we are unaware of the hidden operations in the mind. It takes a humble attitude of acceptance to respect a lack of mental and emotional control over your life.

The second general danger of self-help according to Dr Norcross is the indirect harm. You exhaust your physical, mental, and emotional efforts on something unsuccessful so you beat yourself up over an inability to change. Once you believe you cannot change, rarely do you change.

Think of self-help like a Do-It-Yourself job at home. You can probably do good landscaping, fix doors, place flooring, and paint. Books, television shows, and a few friends provide you with good advice. However, you wouldn’t remove the home’s foundations, redesign its shape, or relocate it by yourself. Attempts to solve unknown problems or create something entirely new leaves you frustrated believing it cannot be done. People try to redo their minds from the ground up then unfortunately fall short of what they want and believe failure is destiny.

I’ll further expand on these two general dangers in this article. Please note that I am not against self-help. I love it. I teach it! It empowers you to improve your relationships, move ahead in your career, make friends, and enjoy life more. Self-help teaches you to create your reality instead of feeling what is will always be. What you need to get the most from personal development is an awareness of the dangers and myths in self-help shared to you in this article; otherwise you risk wasting time, money, and effort – and ultimately believe something is inherently wrong with you.

Thoughts are Everything, the Truth About Emotions, and How Self-Help Almost Killed Me

The empowerment given through self-help usually originates from improving how you think. The motto is “think better, live better”.

Thoughts are powerful, yet they are not everything contrary to what is preached by advocates of the law of attraction. To think your universe can form from thoughts alone is absurd.

An overt focus on thoughts ignores the side therapists attend to: emotions. Our thoughts influence our emotions and vice-a-versa, yet the influence is limited. You cannot think your way to emotional healing. After all, thoughts and rationalizations are “safe”. It’s easy to intellectually process your problems and talk about them with complete emotional disconnect when you’re afraid of vulnerability and revealing your real self.

I’ll prove how intellectualizing and thinking stops emotional wealth. Dr Steven Hayes, founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), who I had the pleasure to work with for Big Talkers, has a nice technique I’ll share below. Give the label of “good” or “bad” to the follow emotions:

• Happiness
• Anger
• Guilt
• Joy
• Sadness
• Shame

Done? I’m guessing you labeled happiness and joy as “good” and anger, guilt, sadness, and shame as “bad”. Take a look at this, however. What if your mother died. Is sadness bad? What if you punched your child. Is guilt bad? When you put this into perspective, the thoughts you attach to “negative emotions” shifts.

How do you respond when something is bad? You avoid bad things because they represent pain. If you believe anger is bad, you avoid your anger, feel resentful, misunderstand people, and struggle to manage conflict. If you believe embarrassment is bad, you avoid embarrassing situations and never build the confident social life you want. You spend your life running from what you don’t want.

I almost killed myself because of emotional avoidance (as I share in this video that you MUST watch). I lived in depression trying to avoid things like anger, shame, and embarrassment because these were “bad feelings”. Not letting feelings flow and trying to manipulate them increased their strength.

Dr Hayes says we have a dangerous habit of problem solving with our mind. You need to stop critiquing the experiences in you and just let them flow. Observe them as they occur to you instead of worrying and trying to fix them. This is groundbreaking material I won’t go into further detail because it’s all covered in my Big Talk Training Course and Big Talkers, which I highly recommend you get if this article resonates with you.

Some self-help teachers encourage emotional expression. Students may practice poor expressions of anger and assertiveness, however, then kill themselves like Sydney resident Rebekah Lawrence. This is an extreme case, yet I want you to value the messages sent by your emotions and acknowledge thoughts are not everything.

Positive Thinking

Feeling down or thinking negatively? This self-help CD will cheer you up, but not in the way its creators intended.

Positive thinking is taught everywhere. Every mental health professional I’ve heard recommends positive thinking. I teach it as well. For example, in my Big Talk course I teach people when approaching others for conversation to assume friendship. This reduces anxiety, creates attractive body language, and makes talking easy. Positive thinking helps you better interact with people and them interact with you.

The danger with positive thinking that I see in many “pseudo-spiritual aka law of attraction” teachings is they take positive thinking beyond what psychologists believe is healthy. Dr Norcross says flamboyant claims are made.

Cancer, rape, and poor-wealth do not consistently originate from misaligned thoughts. Victims are made to feel they squandered their mind. They are blamed for environmental influences. Self-blame is unnecessary contrary to what self-help teaches because it perpetuates resistance and shame.

Your entire life is not a product of your thinking. With excessive positive thinking you risk building a life that excludes reality. You may go to exorbitant lengths to avoid a problem by looking for the easy way out. Positiveness becomes escapism.

Your comfort zone can stagnate along with the quality of your life through avoidance. Carl Jung says your dark-side (what you want to avoid) – not the light-side you probably love to focus on – contains the gold you seek. I look back on my life and see that the areas where I have taken a step of courage to breach my comfort zone, I have transformed. Look at your life and you will see the moments you acted in the face of fear created the greatest results. That is the core of transforming your social life with Big Talk and my coaching.

Self-Discipline Myth

Along similar lines as the exaggerated power of thoughts is the undue emphasis on self-discipline. Self-control and courage is important to help you confront what you prefer to avoid because it pushes you outside your comfort zone. However, it depends on the definition of discipline.

Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled says, “With total discipline we can solve all problems.” The more I think about the statement, the more I see its truth. Again, though, it depends on what is meant by “discipline”.

When self-discipline is understood as willpower, self-discipline is overrated – even dangerous. I’ve heard many people express discouragement over their lack of discipline when it’s understood as willpower. They think something is wrong with themselves because they cannot change a habit like wake up early or quit smoking. Eventually they believe change is impossible because they have insufficient “discipline”. We’re made to feel as low-value humans for our innate habitual patterns.

Humans are autonomous creatures, not creatures of willpower. Studies prove 90% or more of your behavior is habitual. We think we’re in conscious control of our lives, but we have behavioral and thought patterns repeating day-after-day. Your patterns simply vary in order.

This isn’t to say habits are permanent, yet to change they require focused effort and systems to assist change. How you use your limited willpower determines if you alter unwanted autonomy, remove a bad habit, and create the life you want.

Most people, unfortunately, waste their limited willpower on resisting people, thoughts, and feelings. Big Talk readers know the importance of acceptance in acknowledging the reality of a problem. Acceptance means you humbly acknowledge your limited willpower, the degree you influence the problem, and the time it takes to stop what you don’t want and get what you do want.

What’s Really Going On?

Can you see the pattern of problems in most self-help? Thoughts are not everything, emotions are overlooked, positive thinking is taken too far, and self-discipline is overrated. There is a sinister amount of focus on intellectualizing, which drives the typical self-help junkie. Any self-help junkie will tell you they have a problem with “using what they know”.

Change can feel impossible by yourself. Years go by as you become a self-help junkie and question whether your dreams can become a reality. It’s okay to seek assistance from a therapist, counselor, or expert in your problematic area. Someone cannot drive you to change, but you cannot change without a drive to change.

How then do thousands of people around the globe change their life? Ad Bergsma in the Journal of Happiness Studies questioned whether self-help books help. Bergsma says hope is often what makes self-improvement programs effective. The downside of hope is it leaves you vulnerable to exaggerated claims and an empty wallet.

This post is not intended to degrade anyone in particular or self-help. Many authors and bloggers do their best to help, yet intention is not all that’s needed to affect change.

Naming all self-help books bad or good is like saying all team leaders are bad or good. It’s stupidly narrow-minded. Great materials exist. You can work on yourself with great results.

Personal development is the key behind my continuing growth. Self-help is just one part of it. I encourage it to be yours as well. Be wise in your choices and be aware of the self-help dangers shared in this article.

I feel my subscribers and website visitors need an awareness of this reality. If you’ve read this to feel better about yourself, that wasn’t my intent. Be honest about what you are avoiding. See the little control you have over your autonomous behavior. Invest in courses for your personal growth. Accepting these lessons could be your first-step towards change – and yes, I am giving you hope.

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To survive and thrive in the workplace, at business, and around family you must know how to deal with people who prefer to negate “negative feelings”; overlook the reality of tension, disagreement, and resentment; and put a rosy-glow on everything. Conflict is unavoidable even to those who avoid it because our differences in culture, values, needs, and perspectives make us human.

If you or others aim for conflict avoidance, it isn’t avoided or somehow solved. Problems escalate, resentment builds, and relationships die. What gets avoided is a healthy workplace, a happy family, the true depths of human beings, and reality. You must therefore learn effective ways to resolve conflict when others prefer to pretend perfection.

Why We Fear Fights, Feuds, and Fall Outs

The primary reason we avoid conflict is it’s scary. Why? By definition conflict is opposition, incompatibility, struggle. Not very sexy.

Avoidance is just one way to deal with a scary situation. Conflict creates a stressful environment that invokes primal responses of freeze, fight, fright, and flight for survival. We freeze to go undetected, fight to kill, respond with fright to intensify awareness, and take flight to live another day. Most responses in these categories lead to destructive interactions.

Your past experiences with conflict are likely the most painful moments of your life. Maybe conflict made you divorce, break up with your partner, quit work. It may even have lead to death because someone couldn’t handle a problem any longer. Is it any wonder people avoid conflict? Our hatred towards conflict is strong and real!

Conflict is often destructive, other times disruptive. Projects at work get delayed when disputes exist. A group momentarily stops enjoying a party when friends fight. A family shuts each other out for the remainder of the night after a disagreement over dinner.

The Surprising Importance of Conflict Resolution

The purpose of conflict resolution isn’t to avoid it. Conflict resolution aims to solve problems to met the needs and interests of each party to stop destruction, minimize disruption, and enhance the relationship. With this in mind, you can frame conflict in an inviting manner unlike the fear and frustration we normally associate with conflict.

“Conflict can be seen as a gift of energy,” said conflict resolution trainer and Aikido teacher Thomas Crum, “in which neither side loses and a new dance is created.” It can be a gift you love to receive. My friend and conflict mediator Gary Harper even has a great book titled The Joy of Conflict Resolution.

When you take the step of courage to resolve conflict, you enter a moment to understand another human at a deep level. Self-understanding occurs, creativity is stimulated, and relationships deepen in the face of conflict resolution.

Conflict rarely solves itself so you must be proactive about its resolution. I wish there were a way to totally avoid conflict and still get the benefits of resolution, yet there’s no such route. You can get a human services degree and make significant money solving family conflict because it’s difficult process to handle. What you need are the following effective conflict management techniques that transform fear, fights, feuds, and fall outs into resolution when others (and sometimes yourself) avoid conflict:

1. Make it Known Problems Are Okay

Perfection shuts down workplace and family communication fast. In response, managers and parents want small talk tactics to open up communication, but that’s like trying to light up a dark sewer with a match stick.

A core part of my Big Talk Training Course helps you uncover what’s called the “shadow image” to truly open up group conversation. Once you know how to talk about the things people prefer to avoid, conversation effortlessly flows.

“Nice people” block out their dark side where the shadow image resides. They suffer with communication by not feeling anger, sadness, or fear. Resentment, frustration, and an inability to deal with conflict surfaces because they refuse to deal with what they block out. They literally avoid parts of themselves by avoiding conflict.

An effective technique to bring the shadow image into the light is to let others know mistakes, problems, disagreement, and expression are not “okay”, but needed. Mention differences, misunderstandings, and unmet needs will forever exist so it’s vital each of you talk about what you’re afraid to discuss. Tell them it’s normal to be in conflict, yet what’s rare is the healthy ability to face conflict.

You can say, “Problems, mistakes, and imperfections are good. We learn from them. They make us human. I need to know what you see and feel otherwise what affects you is ignored. Will you help each other with that?”

2. Encourage Open Communication

One way to encourage open communication is to make it known problems are okay. Other ways popular in the workplace, which can also be used with families and friends, are feedback channels.

A feedback channel I like is having a session each week or month where praise is shared and problems must be mentioned. Goals can be made where each coworker or family member must praise one thing and mention another subject that concerns him or her. Everyone is to share, listen, and avoid criticism to create a safe environment for expression.

Open communication is a good habit to practice. When an important issue rises, you are then prepared to face it and minimize conflict.

3. Observe Body Language

An effective technique to encourage open communication and face conflict when someone avoids it is to observe people’s body language. Emotions show through attitude, behavior, or expression. All three are nonverbally communicated.

Nonverbal communication doesn’t just hint at what’s going on inside a person, it is what’s going on inside a person. Even when a person avoids conflict, their emotions are visible through bodily expressions. If a guy doesn’t say what he feels (“I am angry”), you’ll see the emotion in more potentially harmful ways of attitude and behavior like sarcasm, avoidance, gossip, and forms of addiction.

Comment on the specific body language signals you pick up on. If you just say, “You look frustrated. Is there something you want to tell me?”, the nice conflict avoider will reply, “No”. Be specific by saying, “When I said I need you to work overtime, you turned your head then rolled your eyes. It seems you were bothered by my request. That’s okay. Share with me what’s on your mind.”

4. Lighten the Moment

Life can get too serious. Lighten conflict when appropriate and people can more openly face differences.

Humor is one-way to reduce tension. In fact, humor is often a release of tension. One company owner in a meeting observed the secretary verbally dominate the marketing director Jim over a tactic to acquire customers. The owner interrupted his secretary: “Okay. We could settle this in the boxing ring, but the board of directors will probably fire me for employee abuse… What do you think Jim, about the tactic to acquire customers?”

Another way to lighten conflict is with a tactic from the first chapter of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program: use padded words. The technique softens what can be harsh. Examples of padded words include: “I feel there’s a small issue to face…”, “It’s not much, but I’d like to…”, and “Maybe we can…”

Do not overuse padded words otherwise it blurs the issue and causes your message to lose its intended meaning. Be aware that softening up conflict can be another form of avoidance. Balance the two by keeping it light yet be sure to address the issue.

5. Provide Positive Reinforcement

Conflict is avoided because of negative reinforcement. Attempts to change are met with defensive behavior resulting in learned hopelessness. Name-calling, ignorance of feelings, shouting, abusive tactics, and violence act as punishment to unconsciously tell someone, “Avoid similar situations in the future otherwise suffer again.”

The way to solve this using Skinner’s behavioral theory is to provide positive reinforcement. Do what you can to consciously and unconsciously make someone want to address conflict.

When someone takes the step into the scary unknown of open communication by confronting conflict, it’s important to reinforce the desired behavior with effective conflict management techniques. In the absence of these methods, you could end up making the conflict destructive and further reinforce the person’s patterns of avoidance.

You can also welcome different perspectives by asking for the person’s opinion. Listen then thank the person for expressing himself or herself. Everyone loves to feel listened to, understood, and appreciated.

Conflict avoidance doesn’t have to destroy your workplace, marriage, or family when you use the above five ways to deal with conflict. Just be sure to not avoid what I’ve given you.

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Inaccurate biases make it more strenuous than it already is for an introvert to attend parties, network at events, and socialize anywhere. Introverts must understand the truth about their personality type to maximize their career, build a fun social life, and enjoy happy relationships.

What is an Introvert?

On the playground, children compare their belly buttons with one another. If you had an outtie, you were laughed at and probably labeled “weird”. If you had an innie, you were considered a part of the group.

The feelings of belly buttons in the playground are reversed for the extroverted and introverted personality types. Innies (introverts) are considered weird while outties (extroverts) are the norm. This perception of introversion and extroversion flow from misinterpreting their original definitions, which makes it scary to be an introvert.

Carl Jung brought the “introversion” and “extroversion” terms into our language. Jung defined introversion as “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life.” He defined extroversion as “the act, state, or habit of being predominantly concerned with and obtaining gratification from what is outside the self.” These definitions when misinterpreted confirm most people’s idea of introverts being self-centered anti-social beings while extroverts happily socialize and enjoy relationships.

Introverts are not narcissistic persons. Just as introverts are not necessarily self-centered, extroversion isn’t synonymous with popularity and compassion for others.

The correct definition Jung gave introversion and extroversion is the direction of psychic energy. Psychic energy is hard to conceptualize, measure, and even describe, which makes some modern day psychologists disagree with the concept, but I like to think of it as a life force exchanged with the world.

The flow of psychic energy describes where your energy tends to reside while you think and socialize. If you have an inward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from solitude making you an introvert. You get energized from reading, listening to music, and being alone.

If you have an outward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from interactions with people making you an extrovert. Extroverts need to be around people otherwise they feel drained.

Lets look into this further. The knowledge I’m giving you in this article has given me tremendous freedom and acceptance that nothing is inherently wrong with me. I’ve found the more I understand myself, the more acceptance, self-love, and compassion I have for who I am. This self-love allows me to make great friends.

Introversion and Extroversion Model

Since Jung, the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test is famous for its accuracy at defining people’s personality type. Introversion and extroversion is one of four dichotomies in a MBTI test, but by itself provides a lot of insight into your own way of feeling and behaving. Knowing the signs of an introvert is a great way to understand this personality type.

You may notice the opposite personality type occasionally surfaces from your behavior as you more accurately deduce introversion and extroversion. If you’re an introvert, for example, sometimes you may find yourself excited and energized talking to people. Extroverts also need moments of silence in solitude. Rare persons have the “pure personality type” of extreme introversion or extroversion.

Jung said the degree of introversion and extroversion varies along a continuum. We exist between the two extremes. It’s common as we age to move towards the center of introversion and extroversion by losing the introverted or extroverted characteristics once embodied.

The Challenge of Being an Introvert

According to introvert expert Marti Laney, an innie herself and author of The Introvert Advantage, we live in an extrovert world. Lang says about 75% of people are extroverts, leaving 25% to be introverts.

Like Laney, I’m an introvert! ToP subscribers are surprised to hear I’m introverted. They envision a communication skills coach as someone with wit, has a lot to say, loves to talk with people, and is dominant in conversations. I’ve built up some of these characteristics, but I’m absolutely an innie. I think that’s why a lot of shy people love connecting with me.

From my experiences, I’ve wondered why introversion makes life and socializing feel like an uphill battle. The general perception of introversion is bad for several reasons – some of which were revealed earlier.

Extroverts are put on holy ground reigning over introverts. Extroverts enjoy themselves in conversations, move forward in their careers, give the best presentations, persuade people to buy, and win dates. What about introverts? They are labeled as anti-social nerds that cannot converse with people because they have no social skills. Both beliefs are myths.

If introversion is generally frowned upon, it makes sense then to try and be an extrovert. Can such personality transform occur?

You cannot transform yourself from one personality type to the other contrary to common lies told by self-help gurus. I’m not saying introverts are forever stuck with a suck social life. I’ve found you can change from an introvert to an extrovert in the sense that you can become more social. You don’t really change from an introvert to an extrovert – you embody the characteristics often associated with extroversion.

You may mistake introversion for shyness or anxiety – such qualities and experiences have nothing to do with an introverted personality. Nonetheless, introverts are often uncomfortable meeting people because their personality pushes them away from socializing. Anyone becomes anxious without experience and practice.

Breakthrough Brain Battle: Introverts Versus Extroverts

Nerds in lab coats can see if you’re introverted or extroverted by injecting radioactive material into your body then looking at how your brain functions. You won’t turn into Radioactive Man from the Simpsons, but the findings will help you appreciate how you socialize and feel about yourself.

In a popular study by Dr. Debra Johnson, positron emission tomography was used to look at the blood flow of extroverts and introverts after participants completed a personality test. The medical technique involves injecting patients with a small amount of radioactive material into their bloodstream before a brain scan to see the brain’s activity. Red indicates high blood flow and intense activity.

The first significant finding Dr. Johnson discovered was that introverts had more blood flow in the brain. Their brains were stimulated more than extroverts. Secondly – and more importantly in understanding the difference between introversion and extroversion – Dr. Johnson discovered that introverts had intense blood flow through brain regions responsible for memory, planning, and problem solving.

Extroverts on the other hand, had intense activities in faster regions of the brain where sensory information of sights, sounds, touch, and taste (not smell) is processed. Extroverts were soaking in the visuals of the scanning machines, voices of the researchers, and feelings of the surface they lay on! Fascinating!

Dr. Johnson had extended on Jung’s definition of extroversion and introversion. She concluded based on blood flow in the brain that introverts revel in their inner world while extroverts direct their focus on the outer world.

Benefits of Being an Introvert

Up to this point in the article, you can now appreciate your personality type, which by itself helps you thrive in an extrovert world. You come to see where your strengths and weaknesses dwell. Keep in mind, however, that because we’re all blended with introverted and extroverted characteristics, you’re not excluded from the benefits and downfalls of either personality type.

There are further situations, careers, and skills each personality type is strong thanks to the qualities discussed in this article.

Extroverts thrive in situations and careers like emergency services, mediators, stockbrokers, and pilots that require quick responses. They love logical analysis for quick decisive action. They also have a curiosity for exploration and creation, which leads them to fields of science, marketing, investigation, acting, and entrepreneurship.

An extroverted person tends to focus on the present moment. These people prefer to be around others instead of reading, sitting at a computer, or doing some other social activity.

Introverts on the other hand, thrive in unique situations on their own. They are reliable experts at assimilating information by gathering complex information and filtering it through their experiences and knowledge. Examples of these people include accountants, engineers, computer programmers, and counselors.

An introvert generally has trouble meeting and talking with strangers, but they are good at building deep connections with people by listening, understanding, and appearing calm. Their ability to listen and understand with calmness makes them good writers and psychologists.

If an introvert learns to meet and talk with people, he or she may find the later stage of the relationship easy to maintain. People conversing with introverts feel surprised and intimate to discover a personal self hidden from others.

Your personality does not have to be the sole determinant of success and happiness. Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Clint Eastwood are a few famous introverts in an extroverted industry. I know many successful communication trainers like myself who confidently socialize and enjoy life with an introvert personality.

There’s a lot to love about your personality – stop being ashamed of it. Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, you can build friends, influence people, and live a life you enjoy. No matter your personality, it’s up to you to build the skills that give you the life you want.

(I developed the Big Talk Training Course to help the shyest introvert socialize and talk with anyone. What makes this course even better for introverts is I’m an introvert and know what’s it like to suffer at social events not knowing what to say. I recommend you check out the course by clicking here if you’re frustrated with your social life, have few friends, and don’t know how to talk with people.)

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There are no right or wrong answers. The quiz discovers your personality so you can better approach how you socialize, talk, and enjoy life. Your introverted or extroverted personality impacts your ability to build friends and influence people in ways you probably cannot comprehend.

Have fun with the quiz! I hope you learn a lot.

For more information and understanding of your personality type, I’ve written an insightful article to help you learn more about introversion and extroversion.

Get your friends to take this quiz! Tell friends, family, and coworkers about this test by clicking the “ShareThis” button:. To learn how you can confidently talk and make friends – especially if you’re a shy introvert – checkout my Big Talk Training Course.

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Alicia didn’t think her boyfriend was someone with a controlling personality – two years later she is still confused about her boyfriend’s behavior. She tells her friends that Randy controls what she does and how she feels, but they say it’s typical for men to behave that way. She has gone to a counselor, but everyone says to work on her relationship more. Alicia sometimes also thinks if she loves Randy more, he will change, which is a complete myth.

Few people know the signs of a controlling personality. You could even be unaware you’re a controlling person. By the time such behaviors are evident, years of misery pass in the relationship and sometimes verbal and physical abuse surfaces. The sooner you can identify the signs of controlling men and women and how to deal with these people or yourself with the advice I’ll give you in this article, the better you’ll protect yourself from a dangerous man or woman who can potentially create an abusive relationship.

How a Controlling Personality Develops

How we perceive and judge information is the secret to understand controlling behavior. Psychologist Carl Jung discovered that people have four psychological functions:

1. Sensing (“It smells nice”, “I need to touch it first”, “Let me see it”)
2. Intuiting (“I have a feeling something bad will happen”, “I bet today is going to go wonderfully”, “I sense there’s something special about you”)
3. Thinking (“Lets look at the problem logically”, “It doesn’t match the set criteria”, “That happened before”)
4. Feeling (“I feel pain”, “I love the energy in this room”, “It feels right”)

The sensate and intuit functions gather and perceive information. The thought and feeling functions evaluate and judge the information. You can see the four psychological functions and their relationships represented in the below diagram.

You might know these functions through the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). All four functions serve an important part of the healthy human personality. The MBTI states that we have predominate functions and rely on other functions to a lesser degree. You rely on the sensate function by trusting your five senses (“I love the taste of this new recipe”), but at the same time you still receive messages from your intuition (“Customers are going to enjoy this new recipe”).

While the healthy person is connected to these four functions, the controlling person is unaware of one or more functions and unaware of one’s dictating behavior. Patricia Evans, author of Controlling People, says a controlling personality begins when one of the four functions are blocked, which leads to poor self-understanding and a blindness to one’s behavior. Once the person loses a connection with oneself that forms his or her reality, control is pursued in the exterior world.

Men typically control others when their feeling function is blocked. Males have been told: “don’t feel pain”, “real men don’t cry”, “you’re too sensitive”, “men must stay strong”, and “if you get emotional, you lose”. A young boy cuts his knee and cries, for example, to which the father responds, “That doesn’t hurt so stop crying.” Gradually the boy disconnects from himself and ignores his feeling function. The boy’s inner reality is negated by others who tell him his feelings are wrong.

Disconnection is natural, yet ongoing disconnection is dangerous. It is necessary for soldiers to block their feeling function to get through the blood and brutality of war, but if the temporary blockage becomes permanent, the person loses awareness of the feeling function. The soldier “forgets” how to feel pain and joy and struggles to empathize with someone in distress. Trauma, culture, and parents are the primary reasons people disconnect.

The four functions are necessary for survival. Without attention to bad-tasting food, a vibe that warns you of a dangerous location, obscure rationale, and another’s feelings, one’s safety is jeopardized. A soldier deeply connected to pain in battle will struggle to persist in survival.

When a person permanently disconnects, however, an identity problem arises. The person’s psyche has been violated. Once a person cannot believe his or her own senses, intuition, thoughts, or feelings, what consistency can be established to form the person’s identity? Identity and control must be established in the only other possible way: by controlling others.

Evan’s terms this a “backwards connection”. If people are not self-aware of inner experiences, they form their identity from the outside-in instead of the inside-out. While healthy people construct their identity from experiences via the four functions, soon-to-be controllers construct themselves by a desired self-image or what others think one should be like. Intergenerational behavior leads them to treat their partners or children the same way they were treated. Controllers begin to define another person’s reality.

Ignorance of Authenticity

Healthy, authentic persons realize authenticity in others. Controllers on the other hand, hate authenticity. Their experiences are unknown so they circumvent others from their experiences.

The controller molds his or her partner or child into the desired person and connects to that fake person. A controlling husband can say he loves his wife, but he really loves the perfect wife constructed in his mind. Victims are so blinded by this pretend love, thinking the person who defines and controls him or her is truly in love.

Controlling and abusive relationships are common in marriages because one spouse does not fit “Prince Charming” or “Princess”. It is impossible anyway for these personas to be realized.

In our example, Randy creates a backwards connection by connecting to the fake Alicia. She has senses, intuition, thoughts, and feelings Randy ignores because her experiences fail to match up to the idealized princess. This leaves Alicia feeling confused, invalidated, and ignored.

The ideal image knows what the controller wants, feels, and thinks. Controllers assume “one mind” with their victims. If the controlled person fails to behave congruently with the ideal image by mind-reading the controller, the person is often ignored, abused, argued against, or told what to be, say, and feel in an attempt to negate authenticity and be molded into the unattainable image.

Victims like a woman who try to be the perfect wife based on the abuse received from her controlling husband cannot consistently be the idealized image. Moments of genuineness always show – they are who the person really is after all.

Controllers do not see their behavior for what it is, however. Most are completely dumbfounded as to why they control others. If you are a controller, you will not know why you behave hurtfully towards one or two victims of your controlling behavior while most people see you as a beautiful, nice, caring person. Pleas for help can easily go ignored for the behavior is deceptive.

Blame blinds controllers. Rapists, murderers, and others convicted of assault say it was the victim’s fault because the victims showed authenticity that stirred the perpetrator to eliminate. Controllers never take responsibility for their behavior and instead accuse their victims who “deserved it”. Battered wives are blamed, beaten-down, and belittled by abusive husbands who believe their spouses are responsible for their rage. Criminals can sit in their prison cell and still blindly conclude their victims are the reason one is imprisoned.

Signs of a Controlling Relationship

The best sign to identify a controlling man or woman is to see if the person assumes one mind. I would assume one mind with you if I became angry over you not knowing what I wanted.

One-mindedness is a warning sign of a controlling person because the ideal image knows what the controlling person wants, thinks, and feels. The moment this perfect understanding is brought back to reality with a question, rage can form. If Alicia asks Randy, “When will you be back?” “Why do you treat me like this?” and “Why can’t I satisfy you?”, he could show controlling behavior like avoiding, arguing, or abusing her.

A second major warning sign of a controlling person is they define you. I would define you by telling you what you think and feel.

A controlling person defines victims based on the ideal image. Authenticity is neglected – what a victim really feels and thinks is replaced by the controlling person’s definition. The definitions form a fantasy, trying to pull the victim back into the perfect persona. You can see this in the following situations in which Alicia is defined by Randy:

• Alicia says, “I want to order chicken teriyaki.” Randy replies, “Don’t get it because you won’t like chicken teriyaki.”
• Alicia says, “I’m trying.” Randy replies, “You’re not trying!”
• Alicia says, “Please don’t treat me that way.” Randy replies, “You always try to blame me for what happens to you! It’s your own bloody fault you get treated that way!”
• Alicia says, “I’m feeling sad.” Randy replies, “Stop trying to manipulate me.”
• Alicia says, “I want to work again.” Randy replies, “You don’t know what you want.”

Randy defines Alicia. He destroys her authenticity by molding her into his idealized image.

Most of the responses defining Alicia are paradoxical. Controllers create the exact opposite of what they try to achieve:

1. They try to get close by barking orders, but their controlling behavior creates distance
2. They try to show power by belittling others, but their controlling behavior shows inferiority
3. They try to show wisdom and intelligence by disproving a victim’s point of view, but their controlling behavior shows incomprehension and shallowness
4. They think their perception is clear, but it is unclear

Intimacy is a paradoxical outcome avoided. The controller attempts to fulfill a need of closeness with the victim, yet true closeness is never achieved when the connection is with an inauthentic person. You cannot be intimate with a controller. Intimacy requires two persons to understand their feelings and connect with each for who they really are, which controllers cannot do because they lack four operational functions.

If you control someone, seeing theses signs is usually enough to make you see firsthand the false reality you are living in and what you need to bring yourself back into an authentic world. Some recovering controllers see the severity of their behavior and cannot kill it so they respect their victims by ending a relationship to seek healing.

How to Deal with a Controlling Person

Now you can recognize and understand a controlling person – maybe you even identified some characteristics in yourself – I’ll share with you the secrets to manage a person who tries to control you.

The first step to deal with a controlling person is to believe no one knows exactly how you feel and think. Victims of abuse can have their self-esteem pummeled heavily into the ground that they believe abusers more than themselves. Someone cannot define you – not even a psychologist. It is vital you acknowledge and believe your self-understanding over what a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, father or mother, manager or employee tells you.

The second step to deal with a controller uses the one-mindedness warning sign, which is to identify when the person trespasses your “psychic boundary”. Similar to the first step, detect trespasses by seeing what someone does when they attempt to define you. While the first step is an acknowledgment and belief before any controlling behavior surfaces, this second step reinforces the first step the moment someone controls you.

The third step is to speak up. You cannot shatter the idealized image placed on you until you speak up to face the problem. Though you are a victim of someone’s hurtful behavior, you are responsible for your response.

The fourth step uses the “What?” technique taught by Evans who says victims fall into the false reality controllers create by arguing with them. Most people respond to controllers by trying to contradict the nonsense such as: “I do love chicken teriyaki!” “Far out, I try so hard!” “I am sad… You don’t know how I feel!” Here is a sample dialog between Randy and Alicia who sticks to her habits by arguing with Randy, which is ineffective:

“I want to work again,” says Alicia.
“You don’t know what you want,” replies Randy.
“I do want to work again. I have a desire to pursue my photography career.”
“You don’t really like photography! Keep doing what you’re doing now.”
“No! I’ve been looking at some photography magazines and I really want to do it!”
“Where are those magazines? GIVE THEM TO ME SO I CAN TEAR THE DAMN THINGS UP YOU F***** B****!”

Instead of arguing with a person who defines you, Evans recommends you do not even validate what they are saying through argument and instead ask, “What?” or variations of it repeatedly. Other responses Alicia and you can use that do not validate a controller’s remarks are, “Cut it out”, “Quit that”, and “What are you doing?” Here is a sample dialog between Randy and Alicia who uses variations recommended by Evans:

“I want to work again,” says Alicia.
“You don’t know what you want,” replies Randy.
“What?”
“You don’t know what you want.”
“What?”
(For the first time Randy realizes something is going on.) “Cut it out. You heard me. You don’t want to work again.”
“Nonsense.”

A word of warning using this fourth step: do not use it on a dangerous person. It is too threatening to use on someone who can potentially go into rage. Protect yourself, protect your children. Be careful when you deal with a controller because they fight to keep their reality alive – a cut to their reality is perceived as death.

No controlling person is going to change their behavior through one conversation, but the above dialog between Alicia and Randy, for example, is the start of healing. Controllers need to see for themselves the backward connections they have created with others.

Leaving a Controlling Relationship

If you decide to leave a controller, their fake reality weakens. They may not change, but many do realize what their behavior did to themselves and the lives of their victims.

There are shelters that help sufferers of abuse should you leave a controlling spouse. Other options you can consider is to stay with family and friends and contact the police. Do something about the problem for the safety and happiness of yourself and your children.

Children in controlling relationships need help otherwise they are at risk of dictating others later in life. The moment a child’s fundamental needs remain unfilled, the child escapes to a fake world where those needs are met.

Psychotherapists say a common object in which a child obtains these needs is from a toy like a teddy bear. The bear is spoken to as an idealized person, always listening, always knowing, always understanding the child. The teddy is defined by the child and is one mind with the child. Later in the life the toy is projected onto others who get controlled by the person.

The intergenerational transmission of control cycles again unless it is stopped. Now is the time to deal with a controlling person and take control of what is controlling you.

If you suspect someone is in a controlling relationship, possibly the greatest gift you can give them right now is an understanding and freedom from controllers by telling the person about this article. You can click the “ShareThis” link below to email the article, post it on Facebook, or share it in the many other possible ways.

(To discover more on one-mindedness, checkout chapter three of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program, which reveals this communication barrier many people use. You can learn more about the program that can help you better communicate in your relationships here. If you want to become whole again and connect with suppressed parts of yourself so you can easily connect with people, my other program Big Talk: Effortlessly Talk to Win Friends with the Real You is a breakthrough solution you can discover here.)

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4. How to Not Care What People Are Thinking About You – and Release Your People-Magnetic Self Into the Conversation
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Principles do not change. Water is two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom – this will not change. The North poles of two magnets repel – this will not change. Gravity rips you down to Earth – this will not change. The unchanging laws of science are parallel to the unchanging principles and laws of communication to deal with difficult people.

If you have a difficult person in your life, you may think he or she is impossible to deal with, yet the person is not an impenetrable rock. It’s human! And humans follow laws of psychology and behavior you can benefit from. This article will provide you with judo-like principles to convert seemingly impossible forces of a difficult person into tips to effectively deal with them.

The world is filled with stubborn people. The difficult people – and not so difficult – even think you’re at times difficult. Learn the following tips (taken from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program) to deal with difficult people in your everyday life:

What Doesn’t Work

Sending solutions. Common phrases that indicate solving include: “What if you…” “Stop doing… and start…” and “Why don’t you…” Telling people what to do does not work. Solutions are the problem. The more you push solutions on people, the more they pull away from you and your suggestion. Real solutions, commitment, and desire for change come from participation.

Moralizing. Common phrases that indicate moralizing include: “You should….” “It would be good for you to…” and “Stop doing wrong…” Chapter eight of my program defines moralizing words as “using what is right and wrong, good and bad, black and white to further your logic.” Manipulation from guilt and other emotions that arise from moral words do not change difficult people – yet alone anyone.

Complaints. “I wish Bill wasn’t so damn annoying.” Bickering is mental masturbation. Creation comes from being proactive. If you complain, you’re the difficult person. You become no better than the person you try to change.

Criticism. People criticize to build change. “I’m results-focused. I criticize people to get things done.” Similar lines of thinking drive the 12 communication barriers (criticism, labeling, diagnosing, praise, orders, threats, questions, moralizing, advice, reason, reassurance, and deflecting). Avoid criticism because it is not charismatic persuasion. Criticism intensifies conflict. Criticized individuals feel diminished, unworthy, and less important.

What Does Work: 10 Principles and Tips to Deal with a Difficult Person

The following principles and tips are not short-term tricks to transform an annoying person. Endless articles have been written on the Internet that provide frivolous advice on this topic. When the core problem is addressed, however, colds get skipped and the cancer is cut out. The advice in this article gets down to the core of what really matters when dealing with a difficult person and does not change from situation because the advice is timeless.

1. You see the world as you are. Stephanie Rosenbloom for The New York Times hit the heart of difficult people; or rather the people who think someone is difficult. Rosenbloom says the issue “is not the difficult people themselves. It is you.”

Most articles that provide tips to deal with difficult people focus on difficult individuals (“They’re the problem”); hence they miss the real problem (“You’re part of the problem”). You play a role in a difficult person’s behavior. Problems transmute from your perception, then your reaction. Carl Jung said we repress certain characteristics often due to our attempts to fit in with people, which manifest in discomfort around people we repulse. Jungian psychoanalyst Edward Whitmont writes:

“Ask someone to give a description of the personality type which he finds most despicable, most unbearable and hateful, and most impossible to get along with, and he will produce a description of his own repressed characteristics – a self-description which is utterly unconscious and which therefore always and everywhere tortures him as he receives its effect from the other person. These very qualities are so unacceptable to him precisely because they represent his own repressed side; only that which he cannot accept without ourselves do we find impossible to live with in others.”

What characteristics in people do you hate most? What do these characteristics say about you? Who doesn’t find the person difficult? What can you learn from people who don’t find the person hard to face?

A chronically difficult person is rare. Your self-image makes people difficult. I strongly encourage you to notice as often as possible what you deny in yourself because this could be a repressed image, a shadow you see in others, that you have ignored in the past. “In the end,” says Rosenbloom, “the specialists say, we cannot control other people, only our response to them.” (The first chapter of my Big Talk training course taps into this deep, dark psychological theory that stops us from enjoyable conversation. When you connect with your full self, it becomes easy to connect with people and make friends. This is cutting-edge material you can discover more about here.)

2. Lose the need to be right. When you enter a conversation with the intent to fix someone, you become difficult. Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says you must open yourself to be influenced to influence. Quit thinking you’re right because this drives your resistance to be changed and change people.

3. Clear your heart, open your mind. Too often our experiences with people hurt our current conversations with them. It takes time for someone in your negative light to shift under a positive spotlight – even when the person hasn’t been difficult for a while.

Forgive to clean your heart then keep an open mind as to why someone is difficult. Stop hopping to conclusions by portraying the problem as the person’s difficulty. You blockade truth with judgments and fear of self-analysis.

Perhaps you are the problem, their father was diagnosed with cancer, or they are in financial trouble. Acknowledge that you do not – and will never – know all reasons why someone is difficult. An open mind that welcomes a person’s point of view to enter possible explanations for their behavior creates a cushion to soften harsh judgments.

Listen to the difficult person and let them express their point of view – it will help you see why they are difficult. This tip alone can be enough to deal with the person as you see the reason for their behavior. Listen honestly, actively, and empathically.

4. Want difficult people. It’s scary, but wanting a bothersome person helps you. Difficult people create conflict – and this creates change. If organisms faced no challenges, they would have no reason to evolve. Difficulties challenge you, compelling you to evolve into a superior being.

Does this mean you can be difficult? No. There is people who find you difficult enough. The diversity of human nature brings with it differences that catapult humanity through difficulties.

5. Be proactive, not reactive. Reactive persons blame circumstances for their reality. They reciprocate bad behavior. They reason other people need to change.

Proactive persons create what they want regardless of constricting circumstances. Create a value in yourself to be proactive and treat people with respect. Once you stop reciprocating bad behavior, you feel proud, empowered, and in control of your life – regardless of whether you successfully handle the situation. Make the fundamental decision to commit to the advice given in this article.

6. Be responsible, not a victim. Don’t blame people for how they make you feel. The degree you’re a victim of someone’s behavior controls the impact it has on you.

Take responsibility for how you feel. Prevent people from entering and exiting your emotional state at will. Eliminate blame to free yourself from a person’s difficult behavior.

You don’t have to be burdened by people’s problems. You will work towards a solution faster and be less emotionally exasperated when you lose the victim mentality and stop thinking people are villains. My friend Gary Harper has a good article on this where he also discusses similar principles to this article.

7. Be problem-oriented, not person-oriented. Difficult people have a difficult problem and are trying to fulfill a need the only way they know possible. It seems elusive, but even they want to live in harmony.

People are not the problem. Focus on the problem and not the person. A helpful tip for this is to disassociate the problem from the person. Their behavior, even you, or something else is the problem.

8. Find the unmet need. Difficult people have an unmet need. Whether somebody is angry, unhappy, depressed, loud, or anxious, they try to fulfill a need – though it is often done poorly. Notice a hidden need beneath someone’s difficult behavior, and you will see another human being. This will allow you to compassionately communicate. The Nonviolent Communication Process is a model that gets you focused on, and fulfilling, other people’s needs and your own.

9. Be interdependent. Dependency is unhealthy. To overcome this, self-help experts teach independence. According to most people, independence is health, freedom, and power. By itself, nothing could be further from the truth.

According to Robert Greene, author of 48 Laws of Power, a powerful individual living in isolation destroys his power. John O’Neil in The Paradox of Success confirms Greene’s remarks. O’Neil says leaders and other individuals in powerful positions destroy their success and happiness with overt independence. Such persons do it all, have chronic obsessions with work and difficulties getting their mind off work, and easily become irritated by others who disagree with their decision-making.

A powerful communicator knows how to distribute decision-making for freedom. He or she knows how to seek help because the person is not afraid to admit failure and learn. This is the interdependent standpoint you need beyond solitude. “When we try to pick out anything by itself,” said famed conservationist John Muir, “we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.”

You don’t need to solve all problems by yourself. It sounds simple, but talking to a parent, manager, or human resource department is helpful. Other people bring knowledge, skills, and persuasive power to handle a difficult person. However, be beware of risks associated with making a private problem public. It’s your responsibility to respect a person’s privacy concerns, but at the same time you need to request another’s help when necessary.

10. Be detached from an outcome.

If the above tips and principles fail you, it’s not because they don’t work – it’s because you disobeyed them. The principles and tips given to you cannot fail because they are the foundations for good communication.

If you lose the need to be right while remaining proactive, for example, you deal with the difficult person. Stop thinking the only way to deal with a difficult person is to change them, such desire only makes you difficult.

When you attach to an outcome by seeking a specific result from an interaction at all costs, your rigidity causes resistance. The most common outcome people attach to when they converse with a difficult person is their need to be right and change the person (principle #2). Going into a conversation with the righteous intent to change a person guarantees failure. You must detach from an outcome.

If the principles and tips do not bring you the result you’re after, be prepared to walk away. Give the two of you some space to think the problems through. By doing this, you clear your heart and open your mind, remain proactive, and keep problem-oriented. A tough issue can be solved at a later time. Another day can bring different possibilities. Emotions, thoughts, and attitudes change all the time.

Unsuccessful conflict resolution of an issue with a difficult person can often escalate the problem, but adhere to these principles and tips to deal with a difficult person to make the difficult more manageable. “Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen,” said Friedrich Nietzsche, “few in pursuit of the goal.”

(If you are reading this and found the above principles and tips to deal with difficult people helpful, you will enjoy my “Communication Secrets of Powerful People Program” where the principles for this article were extracted. Click here to learn more about the program and how you can develop your communication skills to charismatically have cold-hearted persons wanting to change. You can also discover more about Big Talk, my training course that lets two persons openly and freely talk with one another, here.)

Other Articles That Might Help You

1. Controlling People – Signs of a Controlling Person and How to Deal with Them
2. Review of Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
3. How to Manage and Deal with an Aggressive Boss
4. How to Not Care What People Are Thinking About You – and Release Your People-Magnetic Self Into the Conversation
5. Review of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey