Each author has not written a ground-breaker. I think you can summarize 75% of all the books onto 1 page. You could say this post is a cliffs notes version of 158,000 books. Give yourself the lazy education of reading such an impossible number of words.

The 12 lessons are tips from the top self-help books covering topics from women, depression, relationships, and psychology. I have yet to read a popular self-help book that makes no mention of the below lessons. You may be surprised as you realize how frequently you hear the echoed advice.

1. You decide how you feel

People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.Abraham Lincoln

You are the one who can turn that frown upside down. No one else can do it for you. If you feel like trash right now because your dog bit you, you can make yourself feel great. But if you feel trashy a day after your dog bite, you might want to get checked for rabies…

2. Model the successful

Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating… too often fathers neglect it because they get so caught up in making a living they forget to make a life.John Wooden

Simple and effective. It just makes sense that by modelling a person’s actions you become like them. The self-help lesson became big in the 80s by Tony Robbins when he brought NLP to the common man. NLP breaks down what a successful leader in any field does into traits and steps for a layman to adopt.

3. Like attracts like

Our life is what our thoughts make it.Marcus Aurelius

If you want something, become what you want. Similarly, the law of attraction says we attract what we think about. Visualize your desired reality to bring it to fruition. The popular self-improvement tip has been around for centuries in various forms and books like Think and Grow Rich!.

4. Be present

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.Oprah Winfrey

Move your focus out of the past to stop worry and out of the future to stop anxiety. With presence comes a calm collection of thoughts and feelings. Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now is the authority piece on presence.

5. Leave your comfort zone

The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort.Confucius

…some lessons we need to hear over and over again.

Any lesson on fear, anxiety, growth, and human evolution teaches you to expand your comfort zone. I like to use my feelings of discomfort as a flag of growth. Do the same. Know that by stepping outside your zone as you become uncomfortable, you will not be who you were. Get good insight into fear by reading the 5 truths of fear.

6. Don’t procrastinate

You may delay, but time will not.Benjamin Franklin

So procrastination is bad. Hmm, really? Bet you never heard that before. Set goals, create a to-do list, skip activities that add no value, then work on what matters to get what you want.

7. Be responsible

If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to meet it!Jonathan Winters

When you step up in your life by taking responsibility for what you potentially influence, great things happen. You are responsible for sitting at home on your computer wallowing in self-pity. You are the reason for not making that nervous-inducing phone call to get the job.

Some take responsibility too far always seeking to assign blame. A woman can be made to feel responsible, guilty, and ashamed for being raped. Dangerous. Take responsibility for what you can affect.

8. You are unique

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.Alison Boulter

You are special. Sounds corny to me. I prefer to hear about pixies and unicorns. What I teach that you may find more helpful is to create self-to-self comparisons rather than self-to-other comparisons. This means compare who you are now to who you were. As a result you stop feeling worthless from not being that muscle head with millions in his pocket and babes hanging off his arms.

Your beginnings are too different to pit yourself against everyone. An inferiority complex happens when you compare yourself to others.

9. Enjoy yourself

Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance.Epicurus

Take a break, have fun. Don’t know how books can be written on this alone. I’ve said enough.

10. Appreciate life

He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.Socrates

The self-help tip is also taught as being grateful for what you have. In every problem is an opportunity. When there’s a crest, a peak is nearby. I doubt you can quote me on that as unique as I think it was.

11. Use positive self-talk

Self-suggestion makes you master of yourself.W. Clement Stone

Replace negative self-talk with chat that benefits you. Change “I can’t do this” to “I can do this”. Action then good feelings flow from empowering self-talk. I like Theodore Bryant’s take on positive self-talk in his book Self-Discipline in 10 Days. He calls them “Vitaminds” – vitamins for the mind. To benefit from vitaminds you need to take them regularly in conjunction with other useful tips revealed in this article.

12. Visualize what you want

Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others.Jonathan Swift

Visualization is a commonly recommended technique with positive self-talk. It is becoming increasingly popular in therapy as psychologists use imagery to not only work through problems, but change behavior. The basic aim is to see in your mind what you want. Advanced visualization incorporates sight with taste, smell, touch, and sound of having achieved your goal.

4 Warnings Before You Read Another Article

You now know what you’d remember from reading 158,000 self-help books. Should you never read one again?

Consider this: “People often say that motivation doesn’t last.” said the late motivational speaker Zig Ziglar. “Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”

Not only is motivation temporary, but some lessons we need to hear over and over again. Take for example the lesson “you decide how you feel”. I need to remind myself that often – even when I teach it! If I feel like **** from a bad week, the circumstances can make me forget so hearing the lesson helps.

…this article is a generalization.

Think about this second point when improving yourself: understanding a topic make you lose respect for it. Now, this is not always the case. Try learn how a CPU works and you will respect the technology. When you summarize something, its mysteries sink away. You may resent something that once seemed grand. Continue to love working on yourself even when you know the summary of top self-help books.

A third point to consider when taking in self-help is common knowledge often gets passed down generations because it has repeatedly benefited earlier generations. Then again, I could be wrong. It is possible we just believe the psychological equivalent of the world is flat.

Consider a fourth point: this article is a generalization. You’re probably filled with shock and anger at self-help. You then assume any is described by these 12 pieces of advice. Don’t get biased. There’s plenty of books I’ve reviewed and written that have changed my life and ToP subscribers.

What do you think of this summary of self-help books? Do they match your experiences?

For an insider look under the blanket of self-help and how it almost killed me, you can learn more about the myths of self-help.

The post The 1 Page Summary of 1,000 Top Self-Help Books appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.

My video review of the book along with tonnes of special tips and samples you won’t get anywhere else. Be sure to turn up your volume to at least half.

Why You Need to Download it Now

I’ve been shy and lonely like Paul, and know the journey to transformation is scary but Get the Friends You Want makes it fun and effective.

In the caveman days you needed your tribe to hunt animals, kill predators, and protect your family. You could not do all this at once without friends. Today you can live from your computer safe inside an apartment. Does this mean friends are pointless today? You and I know, that is a miserable life.

You need to make friends if you want a great life. Without connections, your opinions get ignored. You are passed up for job promotions. A lack of friends means you miss social activities, solutions to problems from information-sharing, and chances to date someone attractive. Of course, if you have good friends, you have more fun. It may feel unfair and it’s reality.

One common lesson in the book is the irrationality of people when we socialize. We hang out with some people and not others because of survival, replication, status, thrills, approval, and love. We judge others within seconds because there is not enough time to “understand” 7 billion people on Earth. You can complain about this and get nowhere.

Paul says you are rejected or accepted relative to the value you give or fail to give. You can give high value by being popular (allowing friends to make friends), having status (to lift their status), and through other means like creating good emotions in others (where you are fun, ambitious, and positive). Everything you learn in Get the Friends You Want teaches you how to overcome shyness, be fun, and make conversation so you are more valuable than ever.

…you are rejected or accepted relative to the value you give or fail to give.

You are not shown superficial ways to make friends. From reading the book I learned that physical isolation is being alone while social isolation is being lonely. That is why you can feel lonely at work. Social and emotional connection makes loneliness disappear. You learn how to really connect with people without shallowness or manipulation taught in pick-up ebooks or most conversation courses.

That’s why I encourage you to download your copy of the book by clicking here.

Part 1: Overcoming Loneliness, Shyness, and Social Anxiety

It is a weird journey transforming your social life. Fortunately for you, Paul has been there. He was lonely until he transformed then put everything he knew about making amazing friends into the book. You are taken by the hand shown how to safely handle all the change you are about to encounter to create the social life you want.

Once you learn how handle beat loneliness and shyness you’re given step-by-step techniques like “how to use beliefs to unwire shyness from your brain”. Whenever you think of a harmful belief like “People don’t like me”, say it in the voice of a duck. The belief weakens. Say an empowering belief like “People who get to know me, love me” in a deep voice of someone you idolize. This strengthens the belief. Pretty cool trick. You get four “brain toys” that are fun ways to make you feel confident and social.

I loved the tip to handle a party invitation when you’re anxious: accept the invite, but say you can only stay 30 minutes for a reason. This encourages you to attend the party, makes you more comfortable, and allows you to leave if things get too much.

Part 2: Conversation and Social Skills

This part reveals how to master conversation and social skills. You learn how to find common ground, discover conversational hooks you want to talk about, and keep a conversation going. The two lessons about saying what’s on your mind and talking about yourself are powerful. Many other easy-to-use techniques exist so you forever keep a good conversation going.

There’s 6 rules of a cool person, ways to be funny, guidelines to talk with passion, and 44 socially awkward behaviors to avoid. I contacted Paul, the author, and he let me share some with you:

1. Being too different. Be unique, yes. But, if you act and look way too different, people won’t be able to relate to you.

2. Not making eye contact. It’s like you’re hiding something. You should make eye contact often.

3. Standing too close or too far. Too close means you don’t respect others’ physical space. Too far means you want to put a distance between you and the people you’re talking to.

4. Sharing too much personal information, too soon. That should be shared gradually as the friendship deepens.

5…

44. Taking the victim role. Never victimize yourself to get attention. Leave that for the social skills amateurs. If you have a conflict, just say that you don’t get along with the person. Don’t flame them.

Part 3: Making Friends and Building a Social Circle

The final part teaches you how make friends and build a social circle. By the time you finish reading this third section, you will know exactly what to complete each week to meet new people. This section is jammed with practical ways to build a social circle.

I followed the easy advice of how to use Meetup.com and Facebook to meet nice people without wasting time online and already made new friends. That was good, but the tip I liked more is when you set plans with people you know little about, pick a place that:

1. Allows you to talk
2. Alleviates the pressure of conversation through music or some entertainment

This makes it easy to have good conversation even if you are bad at talking with strangers.

Is this book for you? It is if you are shy, lonely, or struggle to make conversation with people you don’t know. As you just saw, you’ll be a more confident and social person by the time you finished reading.

If you’re lucky and really smart, you probably could figure it out all on your own with about 15 years of testing and frustrations. You have no time for that though.

No other course teaches you what you learn in Get the Friends You Want. You get a complete system to build a social life. The book is unavailable in stores, but you can download it and be reading it within 5 minutes from now. I highly encourage you to order the book now by clicking here.

The post Review of Get the Friends You Want by Paul Sanders appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.

What then is social etiquette and why must you learn these hidden tips your parents never taught you?

I believe society developed social etiquette rules over time to ensure its smooth functioning and pleasure of people. Etiquette matters to you because it is core to get work, make friends, and well, fit in. Children need it for the same reasons. Anyone with poor social etiquette creates awkward moments with people shrieking at each other wishing the rule-breaker to vanish. Even when you gain nothing, good etiquette is virtuous. It makes the world a better place.

Rules of social etiquette stem from two qualities: respect and empathy. Smile at someone you meet (respect). Apologize for knocking into a stranger to show displeasure with yourself (empathy). Introduce unmet friends to one another so they are not left alone (respect and empathy). Check with the public transport passenger beside you if your music is too loud (respect and empathy).

When you find yourself lost at restaurant, meeting someone new, or feeling out of your league in a wealthy environment, do that which entails respect and empathy. You will be sensitive to the feelings of others to charm men and women.

Specific guidance helps so I have a monstrous list of 89 tips for you in a variety of situations from meeting people to etiquette in business and public transport. A lot of the social etiquette rules shared below are in Emily Post’s Etiquette. It is a 900-page authority resource on general etiquette I read and encourage you to get if etiquette interests you.

Onwards to the 89 social etiquette rules and tips you may have never learned from your parents:

When Meeting People

1. Acknowledge people you know. Whether it is a head nod, wave, or “Hello”. The fundamental of good social manners when meeting people is responding to their presence.
2. Hold your drink and other objects in your left-hand to keep your right-hand free for handshakes.
3. Stand when you greet someone. Especially obey this etiquette rule when meeting someone for the first time. Don’t stress if it’s difficult to stand like when a baby is in your lap. When you are unable to stand, leaning forward can be a substitute to show interest.
4. Once you stand to meet someone, smile and offer your hand to the person for a handshake. It’s a simple way to make a good first impression.
5. When meeting close friends and family of the opposite sex, you can kiss them on their right cheek. Move straight-in and kiss on their right-side to stop head bumps. Whether a kiss is acceptable or not may change across cultures.
6. Greet a family member and anyone staying in your home when you see them for the first time in the day. A simply acknowledgment like “Hey” and “Good morning” can make the home a more pleasant place to live.
7. Introduce two people to each other if they have not met. Letting your girlfriend stand awkwardly smiling amongst your friends will have her leave you in no time.
8. If you are introducing two people to each other, look at the person you are introducing someone to. So if you are introducing Jane to Dad, look at Dad when saying, “Dad, I’d like you to meet Jane.”
9. When groups of people are involved in an introduction, share attention. Look equally at those you introduce and talk about each person as much as the other. Ranting on about Jane in her introduction then saying, “Oh, this is Tara” is not cool. This etiquette rule is especially true for couples when you habitually ignore the person you know less about.
10. Start a conversation when introducing people. Add information so the couple can start chatting without your presence. “Dad, Jane loves coffee maybe as much you.” “Tom’s brother actually lives in the area.” “Steve just moved from north of us and started working here.”
11. When you are introduced to others, listen carefully for their names. If you forget, be courteous by saying, “I’m sorry, I forgot your name. What was it again?”
12. For self-introductions, share your name first rather than ask for their name. People will share their name after you say yours. Disclosure in conversations is often reciprocated.
13. Use people’s names how they were shared in the introduction. Don’t call Alexander “Tony”, “bud”, or “honey”.
14. If you do not know how to pronounce someone’s name, ask them or someone who knows before you need to say it. If it’s too late, apologize for your mispronunciation then practice to correct yourself.
15. Do not break eye contact from the group in an introduction. Looking in the distance tells the person you are meeting that you prefer to be with someone else. As the conversation continues, you’re allowed to break more eye contact. Too much broken eye contact at anytime shows disinterest – a common relationship mistake.
16. For every arrival, there is a departure. Make your departure more gracious than a “bye”. Wind down the conversation. You can sum up a key point of the conversation (“I’ll make sure to get the report to you by Monday to prevent further hassle”), reference a private joke from the conversation (“Next time we meet, I hope you’ve figured out how to use the mower!”), or appreciate the person and the conversation (“Well, Andrea, I’ve got to get going but I’ve enjoyed talking with you”). For a complete guide to leave a lasting impression on people, discover the five ways to make a great last impression in Big Talk.

Conversation Etiquette

Do your conversations build relationships and make others enjoy being with you? Or do people want to run when faced by conversation with you? Good conversation etiquette with the following tips will have others happy to be in your presence.

Rules of social etiquette stem from respect and empathy.

17. Adjust your language, stories, jokes, and opinions to who you talk with. You are a cool guy to your friends, but telling your boss, “see ya dude”, will make him feel disrespected. The best socialites understand different people need different conversations. If you can get along with kids, the elderly, the homeless, and the wealthy, you are great with this conversational etiquette rule.
18. Be gracious when someone could feel embarrassed. Graciousness is the art of being kind and gentle. The best way I’ve found to be gracious is placing the burden on myself. Did someone forget your name? “Don’t worry. I’ve forgotten half the people’s names in this room already. My name is Josh.” Did the person trip over a cable? “Uh, hope you’re okay. I should really have covered that up so an accident doesn’t happen.” Graciousness will make you an angel to those in your presence.
19. Do not hold the conversation on yourself or what only matters to you. Talking about the health care system to a doctor is not your chance to seek a 10-minute health consultation for an ailment. Good conversationalists talk about their experiences and share their opinions, but they also ask questions about the person, expand on what others share, and show interest in what people say.
20. Share the speaking spotlight. If you have talked for a couple minutes without comments or input from others, you are hogging attention. Your conversational partner wants you to be quiet for a moment.
21. Let people finish what they want to say. This is the traditional conversation etiquette rule of “do not interrupt”.
22. When in a group, talk to everyone. Do not talk only to the hot girl you want to impress. It also means making the subject of conversation suitable for everyone. Telling a group about your latest Spiderman figurine that only your mate cares about is not socially suave.
23. Learn how to say no to politely decline requests and invitations. Refrain from a courteous no when you want to say no to create false expectations, persistent requests, or even conflict.
24. Do not participate in gossip or criticism. When someone gossips, Emily Post advises you to say, “But, Jim, Amanda says such nice things about you.” If the person ignores your attempt to steer the conversation away from gossip, say, “Let’s get off that subject.” If the rudeness continues, leave.
25. Researchers advise to keep a minimum distance of 60 cm (24 in) from conversational partners to stay out of their personal space. Even a kind word said one-foot away can be offensive.

Want a complete system to talk and make friends with anyone? You need more than etiquette tips when you are shy and have no idea what to say. I suggest you check out my full step-by-step guide called the Big Talk Training Course.

Everyday Circumstances

Whether you walk the streets or browse the shops, there is a right way to behave in everyday circumstances. These social etiquette tips mostly help you blend-in.

26. Prepare to behave differently than normal. Many etiquette articles advise you to be yourself, but I think “just be yourself” is bad advice. The people with the best social etiquette adapt to situations and people by understanding the rules of social etiquette shared in this article. What feels natural may not reflect social etiquette.
27. Keep your voice down. If someone has a loud voice, talk quietly to them – even whisper – and they will clue in then lower their voice.
28. Do not swear. If you must, find a PG-rated alternative on Thesaurus.com for your favorite four-letter word.
29. Arrive to parties and other events on time. Being late regardless of an excuse hints that you care little about those you meet.
30. Hold doors for people behind you. Let go when someone else holds the door. Always say “thanks” when a person holds a door for you. Appreciation takes no time and shows you liked their simple gesture.
31. If a door to a room is closed, knock then wait a few seconds. When no one responds, slowly open the door.
32. Here are my elevator rules. Hold elevator doors open for someone if they try to make it before the doors close. If the elevator is crowded or the door has been held multiple times, respect passengers by not delaying them any further. Should you be on the unlucky end of missing an elevator or it is crowded, stand back to let passengers know you are okay for them to go up or down. Other rules include move to the back, face the door, keep chat to a minimum, and avoid disturbances like phone calls or loud headphone music.
33. Walk on the right-side of sidewalks and shopping isles. Especially move over if you are slow. You can’t expect everyone to do this. An aircraft falling into your backyard right now is more likely than society walking on the right-side so walking etiquette is more about maneuvering yourself. Prepare to dodge and weave like Ali, keep objects like bags close to you, and give a quick apology when you bump someone.
34. Take your hat off at appropriate times. It’s not as simple as you think when considering the type of hat and the situation. Learn the etiquette of wearing a hat.
35. Give service staff and others you talk with your full attention. Get off the phone and take off headphones when paying for goods. It is rude and frustrating for someone like a McDonald’s worker to serve you when you talk to someone else. If you struggle to get off your phone, think of poor North Koreans. When an important politician dies, mobile phone use for a 100-day period is a “war crime” punishable with death.
36. Avoid these 16 email etiquette mistakes.
37. Leave a group or room to answer a phone call then keep the call as short as possible. Answer your phone at the dinner table to see the full effects of breaking this social etiquette rule. The rule is in place because nearby people deserve more attention than those who are distant.
38. When answering the phone, unless you know both of you have each other’s caller ID stored, greet the person followed by your name, “Hey, this is Josh.” If someone fails to introduce their name, it is polite to ask, “May I ask who is calling?”

Social Business Etiquette Principles

…nearby people deserve more attention than those who are distant.

Office gossip, loud employees, or time-wasting coworkers. Business can be filled with bad etiquette. With good business etiquette like most social skills, you create a better work environment and set yourself for a promotion. The same rules of everyday etiquette apply to social business etiquette with a few extra tips specific to what you encounter.

39. Greet coworkers when you see them for the first time in the day. Small talk is unexpected and can be frowned upon, but acknowledgment through a comment like “Good morning Jon” or a smile and a head nod beats out a cold look or avoidance.
40. Stand from your seat when your boss or someone of senior rank comes near your workspace. Also stand when you meet someone you haven’t seen for awhile. It’s a sign of respect. Stay seated if someone comes by daily. Stand when your secretary walks by your desk every 30-minutes will have her scratching her head and you getting no work complete.
41. Before you enter someone’s cubicle or office – even if the door is open or there is no door – knock on a wall or door then ask, “May I come in?”
42. Unless you are an international visitor from a company, the company’s owner, or a key leader to the meeting taking place, do not sit in the middle seats or at the table’s end. Even more so avoid the middle and end seats that face the door. These are for the big kahuna.
43. Sincerely praise a coworker for a project he or she worked hard on. “Diana, you put a lot of effort into this project and got good results. Nice work.” You will make them feel good and come across as a thoughtful person.
44. Focus on the face. Whether you give a presentation or wait on a phone call, avoid looking at devices that detract from your attention and someone’s feeling that you care about them. Look into people’s eyes to at least make them feel you are present.
45. Whenever you make small talk in the office, gauge the person’s attention to you. Leave if they seem occupied. Don’t let chat interfere with business. When you get interrupted, politely respond, “Unfortunately it’s a bad moment for me right now. Can we catch up after this report is complete?”

Etiquette Tips for Men with Women

You can have good etiquette without behaving like a gentleman in the Victorian era when a man took of his hat to greet a lady each time they crossed paths. Women notice a man who is considerate and respectful of others.

46. “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength,” said Eric Hoffer, a 20th-century American that loved to write about social issues. There is nothing manly about being rude to others. A gentleman disagrees without bitterness or anger. If an agreement cannot be reached, agree to disagree and focus on any neutral ground.
47. Walk in-front of a woman in tough crowds and on slippery surfaces. Hold her hand for safety.
48. Walk on the curb-side of footpaths. It’s a tradition of safety when a wayward buggy or horse would pose a hazard. Be a man by taking a wayward fast car to the face for your woman.
49. Allow women to enter doors and other devices for travel like escalators and cars before you. The exception is when a woman needs help. For a slippery set of stairs you walk down a step in-front of her, look her in the eyes, ask if you can be of help, then offer your arm.
50. Offer your arm the correct way in the right situation. The correct way to offer your arm is at a right-angle from the elbow with a small gap between the body and a straight wrist. The right-arm is traditionally what you offer but it matters little. Be ready to tighten your arm in case the lady slips if you are not already flexing your bicep for her (and your ego). Common situations to offer your arm are to help an elderly woman, walk with your partner to a formal event, or assist a lady cross ground she may trip over.

Etiquette Tips for Women with Men

Corsets and tea-sipping with a raised pinky is old. What follows are powerful etiquette tips women can use to be more appealing to men. It’s what men want in women.

51. When taking a man’s arm, place your hand with fingers together around his bicep then walk close with him.
52. Be positive about everyone. If someone is less fortunate than you, have pity. If your man does something you hate, keep silent and tell him in private. A lady gives her heart and treasures to those around her to make others feel loved and respected.
53. Do not groom in public. This applies to men and women. No make up, flossing, and hair adjustments unless in a private area like a restroom.
54. To be a “Victorian Lady” in the 19th-century, the dressing room was your sanctuary. You admired and beautified yourself so when you left the room, your beauty seemed effortless to the man you aimed to please.
55. Expose yourself to elegant women you admire. Note their habits and simple movements to learn how you can be like them.

Social Etiquette for Children: Tips for Parents and Those Wanting to Help Children

Good etiquette in children helps them make friends and be appreciated by adults. You get to enjoy dinners at restaurants or shop together without onlookers gasping like they saw a horror movie.

Everyday life offers situations to practice consideration.

56. If you think children are ruder now than ever, it is because of adults. “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any,” said Broadway dancer Fred Astaire. Children and teens will be most considerate when adults model good behaviors. If you expect your child to do something, check to see if you do it. A good model, for example, can teach a child listening skills (a core part of social etiquette) by listening.
57. Everyday life offers situations to practice consideration. “Please do not run in the house because of the noise.” “We say ‘hi’ to guests in our home.” “Please take your plate to the sink to share the dinner workload.”
58. Have conversations with the child like you would with an adult. There is nothing awkward about conversing with a child. Through conversations you build a relationship and teach the child how to converse.
59. When the child talks with you, get him or her to look you in the eyes. Eye contact is key for communication and friendship.
60. Reinforce use of the two magical words: “please” and “thank you”. “Please” when asking and “thank you” when receiving.
61. Give little adjustments at the right time when talking with a child you care for. Correct pronunciation of a word or point out an unsocial habit. Regardless of your adjustment, never interrupt or embarrass the child otherwise you display poor social etiquette. Always be a role model.

Table Manners

Society is built around meals. In Eastern and Western cultures, it is a way to develop relationships, share good times, or extend thanks. What you do at the table (your table manners) affect how people nearby perceive you.

62. Order at a restaurant by firstly checking if everyone at your table is ready to order. Decide what you want now to not waste the waiter’s time. Close the menu to signal the waiter you are ready. If you cannot get the waiter’s attention and she is serving no one, it is good etiquette to ask a polite question (“Waiter?”) just loud enough followed by your hand raised to chin level.
63. When you are invited to someone’s home for a meal, offer to help prepare the meal. If they decline your offer, offer to help in other ways, “What other ways can I help?”
64. Take what you will eat. Never more. Edge on the safe-side of leaving more food than necessary for others to serve themselves. It sucks to get to the potato salad only to discover it’s all gone!
65. Observe your host when you are unsure what to do. Eat when your host does and observe what utensils to use.
66. Eat with your mouth closed and do not talk with food in your mouth. Did I really need to share that?
67. Use “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me”. Such simple words make you a welcome guest at the table.
68. Sit up straight. Why is this a social etiquette rule? It shows you are engaged and makes table guests more likely to converse with you. To eat, move a utensil to your face instead of hunching.
69. Elbows on the table can be fine – even good – when you do not hold utensils. Leaning forward with elbows on the table makes you appear more interested to who you listen. Table guests can also hear you more easily when you speak in noisy restaurants.
70. At the end of a restaurant meal, who pays? On first dates the person who invites should pay. Split the bill whenever you are confused. Splitting does not have to be awkward. One person can pay while the other after dinner buys drinks in a pub or movie tickets. Keep suitable amounts of cash on hand for your share. Offer to cover yourself whenever someone wants to pay. If they decline your offer, thank them and leave it at that. The best piece of advice on “who pays” is to figure it out before the occasion to prevent ruining a nice time.

Transport

Whether you are in a cart pulled by a horse or on the dirty subway, transport etiquette ensures a smooth ride for fellow passengers.

71. Give up your seat to an elderly person, a disabled person, a pregnant women, and even a parent with a young child. Win an extra brownie point with your passengers by donating your seat to a person so he or she can sit near friends. Too bad if you had a rough day and wanted to sit. Most people will dislike taking a seat from you so stand up before making your offer with a smile.
72. Sit in a seat near no one before sitting near someone.
73. Keep your bag and other objects off the seat beside you. Get a car if you want privacy.
74. Carpooling is about consideration of passengers. Ask before opening windows, avoid repetitive habits like tapping, and sought out compensation for fuel.

How to Handle Tough Situations You Have Not Thought Of

Maybe you have thought of the tough situations below, but had no idea what to do. Boost your confidence by knowing how to deal with situations that make people squirm.

75. Ask for the owner’s permission as courtesy to pat, feed, or talk with their pet animal. Such behaviors with service dogs is dangerous because it distracts them from duties.
76. When translators are used, do not talk to the translator. Look at the person who speaks the foreign language when he or she talks and when you talk.
77. Address people appropriately with the right name and title. You have Doctors, Professors, Bishops, and Ambassadors, and Judges. I thought it was simple until discovering the hundreds of titles in Emily Post’s Etiquette. I cannot remember how to address a Senator so my advice is to prepare for the right way to address someone when you anticipate a meeting. Eventually you will learn how to address a Mayor (“The Honorable Bill Smith”) like you do with a Doctor (“Dr Smith”).
78. You were invited to the White House? Lucky you. Respond within the day. There are few accepted reasons to decline such an invite so be ready to go. Why would you decline anyway, I have no idea. Arrive a few minutes early because it is a cardinal sin to have the President walk in ready to meet you without your presence. Once you arrive and are escorted by guards to an appropriate room, if you are in a small group the President and First Lady greet you. Remain standing. In a large group the guests form a line passing by the President. Address him as “Mr President”. The use of “Sir” in conversation is also appropriate.
79. Flag rules. Only use a flag in good condition replacing it when damaged or discolored. When a flag is handled, keep it off objects. Never hang a flag upside down unless to signal distress. Never use a flag as clothing, but flag-designs of clothing is permissible.
80. Treat people who do work for you, such as a maid, as equals. When you think like this, you do not order them around or take advantage of their services.
81. When someone is about to leave after staying at your place, be a good host by showing the guest to the door then stand outside until the guest is no longer seen. This signals you have enjoyed the guest’s company and are not rushed to return to daily duties (even if you are).
82. Follow the dress code for invitations. Codes confuse. They vary from black tie to white tie and formal to casual. Learn more about dress codes.
83. A bad date is rarely one person’s fault. Never make the other feel uncomfortable because you are dissatisfied. Be realistic about perfection. Treat the person as an individual. No “all men are jerks” comments or thoughts.
84. Bad news like death and divorce is difficult to share. It is okay to gradually spread the news. The person suffering can tell close friends and family. They then can share the bad news with others over time. A person responsible for sharing the news should be given the responsibility only if he or she can keep composure.
85. When someone goes through a tough time, never say, “I know how you feel.” It’s condescending and about you. Nor should you say, “Call me if you need help.” It’s too vague. Instead say, “Please know I am thinking of you.” and “May I cook for you this Sunday night?”
86. When you hear bad news, a simple, “I’m so sorry to hear” or “I wish you the best” is sufficient. Never try to make lemonade out of their lemon with comments like, “Be thankful her suffering is over.”
87. Adoption is none of your business. Do not ask about biological parents, reasons, or anything else to do with adoption. Drop the thought that adoptive parents are saints because it places a burden on them and guilt on the child. Let the parents or child raise the topic when they want.

88. Rudeness happens. It is a complex issue that cannot be fully covered here. My quick tips to deal with rudeness are to consider ignoring the issue, acknowledge your contribution to the problem, and never give the rude person anything to build on like raising your voice or reciprocating rudeness. Know how to deal with difficult people and you will manage their rudeness.
89. You now know more than most about social etiquette so be careful about being a grouch at those who disobey social etiquette. Be tolerant and friendly. Do not be the old crank at the golf club who yells at non-members for wearing a baseball cap inside the clubhouse. Rudeness is bad etiquette no matter the situation. When you respect the flaws of others, you give them the chance to respect you.

How will you use these social etiquette rules? When will you show etiquette to others? Will you treat others with respect when they are respectful to you? Will you take the high road only when you gain something like a promotion at work or admiration from onlookers? Your character is defined by what you do to people who cannot do anything to you.

The post 89 Social Etiquette Rules – Hidden Social Tips You Never Learned at Home appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.

Similarly, we’ve all lied. Your nose doesn’t grow from lies. Lying is often considered acceptable – even sometimes expected practice to handle someone’s feelings. Thank goodness no one is Pinocchio.

Why do men and women lie? What can you do to stop yourself from lying? In this article you’ll be surprised at the real reason you’re lied to.

Black Truth of White Lies

Take “white lies” or “fibbing” as acceptable forms of lies. Here are examples of these deceptions:

• Lying to get out of trouble; such as why we were slightly late to work or a dentist appointment
• Lying to appear a certain way; such as fibbing about accomplishments on a first date or at a job interview
• Lying to avoid hurting feelings or conflict; like when a man is asked, “Do I look fat in this?”
• Lying to flatter someone
• Lying to garner attention; like exaggerating how sick you are or the dramatic events of a recent occurrence

To a large extent these lies are considered harmless white lies, and most of us tell them without blinking an eye. People often accept white lies because on a subconscious level they believe:

1. the lies really don’t hurt anyone and are of no consequence
2. the lie is told to protect feelings
3. the lies are only told on occasion

In fact, the Science Museum of London conducted a study on truthfulness amongst three thousand people, and discovered that:

…both sexes said there were such things as ‘acceptable’ lies; 75 percent said it was okay if it was done to spare someone’s feelings.

Though it’s necessary to take these studies with a grain of salt – this study is interesting because it indicates the level of pervasiveness and acceptance lying has in our everyday lives.

Lying: A Dangerous Habit

Telling a big whopper of a lie is not ideal. Problems can also occur when someone starts to white lie frequently – you could say they “abuse the system” by pulling out a white lie when necessary.

Lying, especially white lying, can be a dangerous habit because it’s easy to do. As a child when we gain conscience and reasoning, it’s one of the first things we notice – the ability to lie and get out of being in trouble. One day a parent places a lolly on a shelf and it disappears. You don’t have the courage to endure punishment so you lie about eating it.

In social situations, lying about your life can make it easier to get someone to like you. It’s also a way to avoid confrontation and hurting someone’s feelings. It’s simple to stop someone worrying when you lie about what happened or where you have been.

Lying… is a way to avoid confrontation and hurting someone’s feelings.

Cheating men and unfaithful women aren’t the only ones who lie to avoid punishment. It’s natural for humans to avoid trouble by taking the easy way out. (What’s natural isn’t always the best though.)

The famous psychologist and psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud believed humans are intrinsically driven to increase their pleasure and reduce their pain. The “Pleasure/Pain Principle” says we seek gratification through feelings of pleasure and steer away from pain. Often pain is quick to arrive as it takes our focus and steers us to a life of avoidance.

Pain-avoidance in lying means this process gets repeated. Eventually lying becomes habit, sticking in one’s life. This is why many people believe the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater”.

Why Do Men and Women Lie?

Do men and women lie for different reasons? A study by the psychologist Bella M. DePaulo at the University of Virginia, found somewhat differing reasons for lying between the sexes. The study found women tend to lie to make people feel better and spare their feelings. These findings are consistent with a woman’s tendency to feel responsible for people’s feelings.

According to psychologist Michael Lewis in his book Lying and Deception in Everyday life, men are more likely than women to use a lie to enhance themselves. Dr. Bella found men tend to lie in line with their male ego – whether it be to conceal something embarrassing to themselves and their ego, or to build their self-image. It was also discovered men often lie to avoid conflict.

Some common lies men tell are:

“Of course I like your friends!”
“Honey, you’re the best.”
“I can’t call you. I don’t even know where I’ll be.”
“That dress isn’t too tight. It looks great!”
“They’re downsizing at work. But don’t worry, they won’t get me.”
“Sure, I’ll mow the lawn – as soon as this short ache in my back goes away.”

Some common lies women tell:

“Yes I’m satisfied.”
“It was on sale so relax.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“You’re doing fine.”
“Stop worrying, he doesn’t hate you.”
“I don’t want anything for my birthday.”

Here’s some more lies in an cool pic Josh made that you can Pin:

The One Universal Reason Everyone Lies

Now that we’ve looked at lying and some of the common lies men and women tell – let’s go deeper to understand why men and women lie. No matter who we are or the situation, EVERYONE lies for one universal reason.

And that reason is: a lack of courage.

I challenge you to look back at any lie you’ve told, or any lies someone has told you. The one thing they have in common is the deceiving person does not have the courage to tell the truth.

Anyone lying to get out of work or to inflate the ego are scared of the repercussions of truth. You can probably see how a lack of courage applies to these types of lies.

What about lies with more noble intentions? Do they really indicate a lack of courage?

Yes. Yes, even if you are lying to spare someone’s feelings, and you think it’s a noble thing, at the end of the day you still lack the courage to deal with the consequences (such as the reaction of the person) of telling it like it is.

I am not advocating you must always tell the truth. I am pointing out the secret, subconscious reason for lying in the first place – a lack of courage to deal with telling the truth and receiving the consequences, be they good or bad.

Telling the truth takes courage. Telling the truth takes ongoing work. It’s easy to lie and natural to avoid pain. It takes effort to commit to telling the truth. It’s difficult to tell the truth about the harder things in life because we are out of practice!

Courage is like a muscle. It needs to be built over time. When you haven’t trained your truth muscles, they hurt to use in practice. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to tell the truth.

Note, I said it becomes easier to speak the truth the more you practice. The CONSEQUENCES of dealing with telling the truth don’t necessarily get easier!

When You Should Lie

Is it okay to deceive if the consequences of telling the truth suck? Is it ever okay to lie?

Before I can answer if it’s okay to lie – you need to be the person who does not use lying as a habit, as the easy way out, as a compulsion, or anything similar.

Many years ago while working in a detention centre with juvenile delinquents, I encountered enormous amounts of lies told by youth there. One pattern I discovered amongst them was the youth who were habitual liars became so accustomed to lying that they had no idea when they lied.

Even scarier than this, I discovered that the juveniles who habitually lied deluded themselves about the crimes they committed and the person they saw themselves to be. I had many a conversation with some offenders who lied point blank about their crimes, to the extent they deluded themselves into believing their own lies.

This is dangerous indeed. And it starts small.

Telling the truth takes courage.

Although it may seem ridiculous, you need an ongoing commitment to the truth! This commitment needs to be honored every day and in every situation. And with as much tact as possible. Just like our health, a commitment to being truthful and genuine needs to be cultivated, maintained, and built everyday.

If you don’t have a commitment to truth then you will find yourself lying or being compelled to deceive in the trickiest and most demanding situations.

So if you have a commitment to the truth and find yourself consciously telling the truth, even when it hurts and you get nervous – congratulations! You are now in the position to discern whether or not it is necessary to lie. There are times in life when a lie is needed and the truth is unnecessary.

If you lie having assessed the situation – and you lie knowing you could just as easily tell the truth – as you already have the courage, then this is when it’s okay to lie. Be careful and remember:

It takes a lifetime to build trust, and only an instant to destroy it.

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How do you know when to end a long-term relationship? When you know it’s best to finish it, how do you end a long-term relationship without having the person burn your house down? This article answers these questions.

The Most Common Mistake When Ending a Relationship – and What to Do Instead

The normal way to determine if you should end a relationship is a pro-con scale. You analyze what’s good and bad then weigh the points against each other. This creates the dilemma and confusion of when to terminate a long-term relationship. “No connection is there, but he’s so nice to me.”

Mira Kirshenbaum, in her book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, describes the “ambivalence” we experience in relationships. There’s the good side of a relationship where you’re financially looked after or you’re not beaten. Then there’s the bad side where your needs are ignored, you’re emotionally degraded, or you’re with an addict. Positives exist but so do negatives causing the pro-con scale to not be of help in your final decision.

…use a diagnostic method much like a doctor uses symptoms to diagnose a disease.

The correct approach Mira suggests is to use a diagnostic method much like a psychologist uses criteria to classify mental disorders or a doctor uses symptoms to diagnose a disease. If your relationship exhibits certain symptoms – notably something like abuse – it’s diseased and you are better off ending it.

Advice For the Married Reader

Nearly every book and article I discovered on this topic helps you decide if you should end a relationship from a selfish standpoint. The summary is: if you’re not happy, end it. A healthy marriage is more complex than that.

Marriages around the world end because men and women are unhappy then unwilling to honor their vows working through the inevitable challenges. One man thought he should end his marriage because he no longer loved his wife. “I just don’t love you” is not a sign the relationship should end. Love is a skill. You can learn how to love people to rebuild a relationship.

I believe marriage is another ballpark to the discussion here. What’s revealed is not intended to fully apply to marriage. I don’t want the signs of an ending relationship revealed to be reason for you to get out when things get tough. That’s selfish. The self does not always precede others.

Two become one in marriage – your unhappiness doesn’t justify divorce. No marriage exists without the couple changing and working through problems.

10 Signs of an Ending Relationship

How do you know if your friendship or date is on the brink of finishing? Below are some symptoms of a dying relationship. If you spot several signs of an ending relationship, that alone is not enough reason to terminate it. The signs are just indicators of the current relationship condition:

1. You break their boundaries. Respect is absent.
2. You’re more resentful than usual. This shows up in irritability and fighting over little things.
3. You fight less. Whatever happens, happens because you no longer care.
4. You jump to harsh conclusions. For example, your partner is late to arrive home from work so the thought of an affair crosses your mind.
5. You describe the person to someone in unflattering words. Similarly, if someone else belittles the person, you agree and feel satisfied.
6. You find yourself spending less and less time together.
7. You have chronic boredom. This means you do little together, aren’t having fun, and don’t enjoy each other’s company.
8. Promises aren’t kept.
9. The two of you remain at emotional opposite ends. This signals no rapport, a disconnect, and a lack of love. The relationship is weak when it doesn’t bother you the person is hurting.
10. You’re concerned you’ll find signs here that apply to your relationship.

If you saw one or two signs in your relationship, don’t freak out, call the person up, and say it’s over in a crying mess. Let the signs be red flags for you to address. We all make relationship mistakes that can be solved.

What’s not a sign of an ending relationship is fighting. Conflict is healthy to have so it’s important you resolve conflict when others avoid it.

7 Questions for When to End a Long-Term Relationship

For our diagnosis, ask yourself the following seven questions. These are filters that indicate you should end the relationship:

1. Has there been multiple occasions of physical violence in the relationship? All violence is inexcusable. If you answered yes, get support, be safe, and leave. You deserve better than abuse.
2. Does the person have a behavior like an addiction that makes the relationship difficult to be in and they’re unwilling to change? Most people are addicted to something. The questions to consider are: What? How destructive is it? And are they seeking help?
3. Were times ever good together? The relationship may have been doomed from the start. The question gives you a higher perspective that current problems can be worked through. People change so don’t forever clasp the past trying to recreate it.
4. Do you want to bring up important issues? It’s good if you actually do it, but a desire to address an important issue is enough indication you care for the relationship.
5. Have you chosen a goal like a career move that must exclude the person? There’s no reason to keep a relationship going when you’ve already decided the person being in your life is not viable. Be honest to yourself and them.
6. Aside from positive traits and current problems, do you and the person like each other? Not an easy question to answer because it’s difficult to see through resentment.
7. If I told you it’s okay to leave, would you feel responsible for your decision, say yes, and be relieved?

A less important relationship may not be worth fixing.

Having gone through the seven questions, do you think you should end the relationship? You may want to not cut the relationship and instead correct the problem pulling you two apart. If the person behaves destructively, consider expressing what you expect from the person. If your career has you travel around the world, describe the scenario then let the person decide if he or she wants to be part of it.

A less important relationship may not be worth fixing. These are relationships easy to create with new people and ones you care little about. It is natural and common to end invaluable relationships. You have dying relationships where the investment of time and emotional energy to revive the relationship is better spent elsewhere.

How to End a Long-Term Relationship in 8 Simple Steps

Leslie Baxter from the University of Iowa in her Strategies for Ending Relationships: Two Studies paper analyzed how people end relationships. The communication researcher found that how you end a relationship depends on relationship closeness and your perception of what caused the relationship to rot. Dating for one week and got cheated on? You may dump via an angry text and leave it at.

If you want a plan to end a relationship because you don’t know how, I’ll give you a simple eight-step process. Most difficulty in ending a relationship comes from you not wanting to hurt the person. Here you take responsibility for their feelings – a toxic trait. Release yourself from controlling other’s emotions and instead focus on being responsible for yours.

You can choose from the indirect and direct options. The indirect option is letting nature pull you apart. You stop doing nice things, you skip deep conversation, and time causes you to split. The direct option of splitting up face-to-face is more difficult. Use this process:

1. Think through what the person will say. This isn’t to make you a rigid robot, but aims to put your best foot forward.
2. Share a quiet place between the two of you.
3. Begin by saying, “This isn’t easy for me to bring up because I know it’ll hurt you, but I need to do it.”
4. State your reasons without rambling. If the person wants more detail, they’ll ask for it. When you clearly give reason to why you’re ending the relationship, you help the two of you move on. Not understanding the justification for splitting up is the number one reason someone fails to get over a relationship break up.
5. Be specific where possible. Say, “The other day when you…” instead of “You don’t care for me anymore.”
6. Expect and accept strong feelings from the person. He or she will feel rejected and likely deal with the emotion by making you feel guilt. Don’t let their game alter your stance.
7. Avoid reassurance (“Things will work out for you”). It is a frustrating communication barrier to hear and an attempt to stop the person from feeling hurt. Nothing you say will change their hurt.
8. Learn some techniques of how to say no so you stand your ground.

Stop driving yourself crazy. You know the signs of when to end a long-term relationship and how to do it so get off the fence and pick a side. If you choose to leave, you’ll look back in 1 year and be happy you made the decision.

If times are tough and you decide to try make the relationship work, keep learning and developing your relationship skills and eliminating the 12 communication barriers. Relationships are hard. That’s why they’re so satisfying.

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The most common tip you hear to be better with women and men is “just be yourself”. Jump in a forum, blog, or conversation where people discuss the secrets of making friends or attracting the opposite sex and you’ll hear the unanimous piece of advice echoed like ancient wisdom. I’ve received many emails and comments on articles like What Women Want in Men saying, “Forget everything. Just be yourself.” I manage to withhold from clicking reply and sending an angry response.

Being yourself is as useless advice as being told to “be confident”. How do you just be confident? You can’t just do it. Unless the word triggers what you need to do like “express your feelings” or “stand up straight”, being yourself is not helpful advice.

It’s time you understood this cliché and what you can do to be the best real you.

Why You’re Told to Be Yourself

It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.Aeschylus, ancient Greek playwright and father of tragedy

Understand the reasons people say to be yourself and you begin breaking down the belief it’s useful advice.

The majority don’t know how to attract women, get a guy, or make friends. Asking the average person how to keep a conversation going is like questioning a poor man for the secrets to be rich. If you ask your well-intentioned mother how you can get that cute girl at school, she’ll tell you to be yourself because she knows no better. Few have studied what makes one good with people.

The second reason someone tells you to “just be yourself” is to reassure you that as a person you’re fine. To change something about you implies something is wrong and flawed. Those who care for you want to preserve your self-esteem.

Asking the average person how to keep a conversation going is like questioning a poor man for the secrets to be rich.

The third reason someone tells you to “just be yourself” is that’s what most of us have heard about social skills our entire lives. Popularity creates familiarity and belief.

Mention these three weapons to counter the folly advice and you’ll be told “okay, then just be patient” and “it’s not meant to be if it doesn’t work out”. The reasons someone tells you to be yourself also explain this pathetic advice.

Talk to these people about conversational strategies, body language, or NLP and you’ll see a blank look flush over their face. It’s like getting a layman to explain how a bulb is switched on. Most lack understanding and consciousness of everyday systems we take for granted.

The Dangers of Being Yourself

You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.Mike Murdock, televangelist.

One of the main differences between happy, successful people and their opposite is an attitude of responsibility towards creation. The common miserable man believes he’s a victim of the world. “There’s no point learning how to speak on stage because I’m bad at it.” A belief that being yourself is the way to go creates victimization and laziness to get what you want.

“Just be yourself” excuses you from leaving your comfort zone. It grants you permission to surf the Internet all day, not approach someone you want to talk to, or avoid that class you want to attend. Such thinking is like: “This feels uncomfortable so it’s unnatural. I better stop.”

An unchallenged body does not know itself. Talk to someone who’s been through severe adversity and you’ll hear someone who knows what matters to them. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience,” said Martin Luther King, Jr. “but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

An unchallenged body does not know itself.

The risk in being yourself and not leaving your comfort zone is stagnation towards achieving your goals. You get your current results in life for a reason. If you’re fat, I guarantee you eat and think different to models on TV or bodybuilders. If you’re lonely, I guarantee you move and think different to someone popular. If you’re shy, I guarantee you talk and think different to a confident person. In this lies the problem of being yourself: you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got and be what you’ve always been.

The Case for Being Yourself

You never find yourself until you face the truth.Pearl Bailey, American actress and singer

If you’re fuming about what you’ve read, I’ve just undermined your belief system of what to do to be good with people. To get what you want, you have to evolve. If you keep your daily habits, your future will be the same if not worse.

Pete Sampras, Wade Gretzky, or Jack Nicklaus didn’t give up after a lost match, missed shot, or lost tournament. They certainly did not think being themselves was the secret to sporting success. Each of them practiced something everyday that wasn’t “them”.

Your true self is not your habitual self. You do what you do now for many reasons. Influences of what you do include friends, family, culture, and general experience in the world. A woman can be a rape victim fearful of intimacy or she can be a loving wife. Experience shapes who you are but it doesn’t define you. You define yourself.

“Just be yourself” has too broad of a meaning to be useful. Getting more focused, there are certain situations where it is good to be yourself depending on context and meaning.

Being yourself is good advice when its understood as not comparing yourself to others. When you compare yourself to the billionaire or the guy who gets a hot new woman every week, you’ll feel worthless. You’re better off doing what I call a “self-to-self comparison” where you juxtapose your present self to your past self. Your past is too different from others to compare yourself with them. Stop putting people on pedestals.

It’s not about being someone you’re not. Authenticity is saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

Being yourself is also good advice for authentic conversation. “When one is pretending, the entire body revolts,” wrote French author Anais Nin. What you feel shows in your body language. Psychologist Paul Ekman gave the term “microexpressions” to describe how the face gives off subtle signals of one’s true feelings. You can say you’re fine about a friend going to a movie without you, but your narrowed lips and eyebrows close together give the person an intuitive signal you’re angry.

Fake a smile in the mirror to sense the weirdness of being unauthentic. Begin to imagine how hiding yourself damages relationships. It just feels wrong. Most of my teenage years were spent with a mask on covering my true feelings with family because of shame. Your emotional health and relationships eventually suffer when you’re not yourself.

Why then do we act “fake” in relationships? You most likely do it because you fear rejection and not being loved for who you are. It is deep stuff.If someone dislikes your mask, that’s only your mask and not you.

To be what I call “the real you” entails vulnerability. The real you entails equal effort, fear, and risk. If this scares you, know that a challenge will cause evolution. The best real you is saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and doing what you can to be trustworthy, reliable, and responsible.

The path to the best you is ****en hard if you’ve been unauthentic most of your life. People judge and treat you a certain way based on the image they expect you to uphold. Heck, you have an image of you called a self-image that regulates what you do.

The question is: what’s your self-image at the moment and what do you want it to be? As you answer and think about that question throughout the week, keep in mind what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.”

The next time you hear “just be yourself”, email or post the link of this article to your advice-giver.

The post Just Be Yourself – Why It’s Bad Advice: Being Yourself is the Problem appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.

You’ve suffered from social anxiety disorder having tried to treat it for years. Your infatuation with anxiety and curing it go hand-in-hand. What you resist persists making problem-solving ineffective.

Watch the video above for the start of this article and the only social anxiety disorder cure

From a young age we’re tricked to believe in emotional regulation. We believe adults are mature, stable, and happy because of emotional control. “Stop crying and being a baby.” “Don’t be angry.” And of course my dreaded, “Don’t be a scaredy cat.” Emotional regulation has lead to your search here today as you try discover the cure of your social anxiety.

What are the affects of battling your anxiety? What’s the secret to better socialize and start living a meaningful life?

The Hidden Danger of a Social Anxiety Disorder

Cowards die many times before their deaths.William Shakespeare

To understand the world one must not be worrying about one’s self.Albert Einstein

Social anxiety affects you on the outside. You’re in a conversation looking at someone, but really you’re looking within, monitoring what’s going on. “Am I getting more anxious? Is my nervousness dropping? What do they think of me?”

A battle with a social anxiety disorder is life-limiting. Imagine yourself at a banquet of delicious meats and foods on the table with anxiety sitting beside you. If you battle anxiety, both hands grasp the knife and fork for weapons as you focus on slicing anxiety to death. Anxiety sometimes gets hit yet morphs into a more intense form. You swing harder only to tire yourself out – all the while you miss a delightful moment of treats.

Your battle with anxiety consumes plentiful amounts of energy that diverts your mind and body from activities, daily tasks, and relationships meaningful to you. If someone was to choke you right now, of all the things you could do (look out the window, scratch your head, laugh), you’d be obsessed with one: breathing again. Fighting anxiety is like being choked as it narrows your repertoire of behavior. There’s a banquet to enjoy in life instead of fighting anxiety.

In conversation you can focus on learning what someone does for a career, how your friend spends free time, or listening to make someone feel heard to live out a value of being friendly. At the moment though, you fight anxiety. This makes a social anxiety disorder an awkward problem. If you have the disorder as characterized by a resistance to anxiety, you’re not present in the conversation and people notice it.

How Anxiety Experts Cure a Social Anxiety Disorder

If we take the generally accepted definition of bravery as a quality which knows no fear, I have never seen a brave man. All men are frightened. The more intelligent they are, the more they are frightened.George S. Patton, World War II general

Fear is natural. Be with it.Thomas Leonard, founder of CoachVille

I picked up a social anxiety disorder at 14 years old. I’m now 27 years old and don’t consider myself cured. “What?! You can’t teach people then you jerk!”

The moment you consider yourself treated from social anxiety or other forms of anxiety is when you’re vulnerable. It’s the same mind-trap as wanting to banish anxiety.

Stephen Hayes, co-creator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), was a psychologist when he developed a panic disorder. In an interview I did with him, he applied advice from cognitive therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), but they felt to him as if he had spat into a hurricane.

Here’s one example. CBT uses the term “cognitive restructuring” to be more rationale about anxiety-inducing situations. Shifting a thought of “I’m going to look like an idiot at the party” to “I’m extremely nervous at this party, but I’ll leave in one piece tonight and probably make some new friends!” wasn’t very helpful for him. You may have tried the same restructuring that helped in the short-term only to find the spit flying back at you soon after.

The problem and infatuation with removing anxiety go hand-in-hand.

One day Dr Hayes became an assistant professor when he was in a department meeting watching the professors angrily fight with each other. He raised his hand to ask a question, but couldn’t make a sound come out of his mouth. After 30 seconds, no sound was made and the meeting resumed.

“That event,” says Dr Hayes, “is not what created my anxiety disorder.” If you get humiliated talking to a hot blonde, it doesn’t mean anxiety will be with you for the remainder of your life. It can start an internal battle where you fight the internal experience of anxiety. You start to project the experience where you see yourself fainting and dying in the future.

Imagine a young boy freely running around a playground. Suddenly he falls into a dark, dirty hole called “anxiety”. It’s not his fault he fell into the hole. How the hole got there doesn’t matter because it’s just there.

The child is scared of the black ditch because one day he heard bad creatures live in the dark. Afraid of this, he quickly decides to escape by digging. 10 minutes later he looks up to see no progress so he digs more dirt out and digs faster. Sweat beads down his forehead.

One hour of strenuous digging later, he glances up with his glassy eyes only to see he’s further from freedom. He is more afraid than before.

Has digging hard (attempts to conquer anxiety) freed you? I doubt it has because you’re reading this article hoping to cure a social phobia. Have a pad and pen handy because in this article I’ll ask you to do a lot of tough and fulfilling work that’s counter-intuitive to what you’ve done most of your life.

How to End Suffering Forever

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.Seneca, 1st century Roman philosopher

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr

Anxiety sufferers believe anxiety causes pain and must be gone before they can live a meaningful life. Self-talk of social anxiety sufferers include: “Before I can talk with that girl, I need to feel confident”, “I need to be comfortable to get on stage and speak”, and “I can’t make friends as long as I’m a nervous wreck”.

Anxiety sufferers believe anxiety causes pain and must be gone before they can live a meaningful life.

You may believe you can’t make friends or chat with cute girls until this yucky thing that is anxiety disappears. That’s what you’ve been lead to believe by self-help gurus who pronounce you have to think and feel a certain way to achieve a goal. Georg Eifert and John Forsyth, co-authors of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Anxiety Disorders, wrote something worth burning into memory: “Feeling good is not a requirement for living good.”

When you believe you must feel good to live good, you battle anxiety. The truth is: anxiety doesn’t cause pain – your struggle with anxiety creates undue pain.

Suffering forms from pain and nonacceptance according to Linehan, author of Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. Ultimate suffering is suicide, an attempt to end pain from nonacceptance. You suffer when you don’t want to be hurt, when you don’t want to be anxious, when you don’t want to fear.

Fearless is unnecessary to have a great social life. You don’t need to be fearless to contribute. You can be fear-ridden and live a meaningful life. “You don’t need to think this way or feel that way to be free of social anxiety,” said Dr Hayes. “Instead of wanting social anxiety to disappear and then you can be with yourself and others, it turns out you can go directly and quickly to the end if you compassionately hold your insides.”

Anxiety does not mean something is wrong you – it’s the approach of battling anxiety that causes suffering. Sexual abuse is one unfortunate event in life that causes trauma yet it doesn’t always lead to being broken or living a sexually suppressed life. Victims of sexual abuse can feel anxiety in sexual situations yet live as they please. Psychological health is not the absence of trauma, pain, and negative experiences.

The difference between a free outgoing person and someone shy is not the experience of anxiety, but if the anxiety is held onto, battled with, and pushed away. Escapism constricts your social life because your internal experiences are inescapable. You cannot run from yourself. Drop the mindset of “curing anxiety” altogether. “I’ve learned to never say no to anxiety,” said Dr Hayes in my interview with him. “If anxiety wants to show up, it’s perfectly welcome to do so.”

My question to you is: are you willing to make room for anxiety to be in your life?

Why Doing What You’re Anxious About Works

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.Carl Gustav Jung, founder of analytical psychology

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.Fr. Alfred D’Souza in Happiness Is A Journey

Do the thing you’re anxious about and anxiety will rot away. That’s a truth of fear and a better lesson self-help teaches. The underlying message is to conquer fear and anxiety, which contradicts what you learned so far.

Firstly, fear and anxiety differ. Fear promotes action in the present while anxiety anticipates the future. You can fear being punched in the head by a muscle-jacked boyfriend if you approach a hot girl and he pushes you, but worrying about being punched by that guy before you approach is anxiety.

Fear and anxiety reduce when you experience what you’re afraid of. Neither emotion is worse than the other. A skydiver will likely fear his tenth jump less than his first and a guy who approaches a hundred women will be less anxious than if he approached none. This is exposure and it works at living with anxiety.

You didn’t learn to ride a bike by reading or thinking about it. You crashed, you fell, you got hurt. There’s no other way than direct experience to ride a bike.

“Exposure therapy” has you repeat contact with what you fear in a safe environment until the fear is extinct or minimized. If you’re petrified to leave the house, it might begin by putting your head out the window, sitting on your verandah, or walking around the garden. If you’re afraid of cafes, day one could be to order a coffee, day two is to order a coffee while holding eye contact, while day three also gets you to ask how the barista’s day is going.

How can you use exposure to step into your social phobia? List three steps on a pad. It could be: 1) go to a mall and sit down, 2) make eye contact with 10 people who pass you, and 3) say “Hey” on the tenth person.

You may feel your heart increasing right now with just the thought of exposure. Don’t battle it. The battling is what causes suffering. Be mindful of your increased heart-rate and shallow breathe. Be okay with it. Continue to write your three steps.

The discomfort experienced signals your evolution. Something different is happening in your life right now! Remember Jung’s words: “There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” Whenever I feel discomfort, I acknowledge a transformation – an evolution – is occurring inside me that’ll produce a different a result to what I’ve had in the past.

Be careful making exposure another cure to social anxiety. Cognitive therapies use exposure to reduce anxiety and treat symptoms, but ACT uses it with the purpose of getting you to be okay with feeling anxiety. That’s a big difference.

Make doing what you’re anxious about a feeling experience that enriches life.

Anxiety is natural so it makes sense to not suffer with attempts to conquer it. Bootcamp students get a great feeling experience from exposure therapy. We might go to a bar or club with no intent but to be there. The student says “Hey!” to a group and keeps walking. The goal is to be okay with feeling afraid of meeting people so you can live a purposeful life. The belief you shouldn’t be afraid of new people only increases suffering.

If you do what you worry about to remove anxiety, is that another short-term tool to battle anxiety? I suggest you use exposure not to reduce anxiety, but to experience anxiety, feel how it’s normal, and believe a purposeful life is possible with it. Anxiety is natural so be with it.

Lesson: make doing what you’re anxious about a feeling experience that enriches life.

How to Free Yourself From the Fight with Social Anxiety

One cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.Albert Einstein

He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War

Creatures relate to things based on their attributes like speed, color, and size. Humans do too but we can abstract these perceptions. We often do not take a fast beating heart for what it is: a fast beating heart. If your heart thumps hard, you may infer you’re about to have a panic attack. Once you learn to categorize something within, it seems like a thing. Anxiety to you seems real and dangerous.

In the past century since Darwin’s work, we’ve categorized anxiety as an unhealthy emotional affect of worry. Anxiety is seen as bad due to the surge of pop-psychology books in the 80s, positive-thinking tapes in the 90s, and now blogging in the 21st century where anyone can chant self-help advice. Western society teaches you to master your emotions, control your thoughts, and move from unpleasant states through manipulation.

Answer these questions to do with categorizing emotions:

• Is “joy” good or bad?
• Is “sadness” good or bad?
• Is “anxiety” good or bad?

You probably answered “good”, “bad”, and “bad”. But is it bad to be sad when your friend dies? Is it bad to be anxious when you’re in a new environment and meet someone you don’t know?

The self-help myth and belief that anxiety is bad cause you to try cut it out like a parasite from your body. You read endless articles on dealing with social anxiety, post in forums desperately seeking help, and beg for anything to alleviate you of this disease. All this makes you more anxious.

You fight anxiety because of the belief and categorization it’s bad. You can also take this control approach because it’s an adaptive method to survive in the external world.

You fear climbing a high cliff for survival and pain reduction. Bruce Chorpita, Professor of Psychology at UCLA, and David Barlow, Professor of Psychology at Boston University, in a 1998 study called The Development of Anxiety confirm a control approach to make life right is important to healthy well-being. Nothing is unhealthy about avoiding an unchained dog growling loudly or taking an aspirin to alleviate a headache.

Problems arise when control is used at an extreme level as rigid thinking and behaving do not work. Not approaching a cute girl because you’re nervous does not work. Calling in sick because you’re afraid to give a presentation does not work. Saying you’re not in the mood to go to party does not work when you’re really staying home to avoid your fear of dancing. It’s once you avoid crossing a bridge because your friend jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge that control doesn’t work.

Anxiety and other feelings like anger typically understood as “bad” are not bad. They typify human experience. The belief you need to think and feel positive all the time is inhuman. Emotions don’t have an off and off switch. Our emotional spectrum of fear, sadness, happiness, anger, and disgust (Darwin’s five emotions) makes you human. Those who accept and experience the five emotions and their lesser ones without defense are healthy.

Anxiety and other feelings… typify human experience.

Here’s a quick exercise to do in this moment. Try to make yourself happy. Give yourself a minute. Now try to make yourself anxious. Give yourself another minute to create this state.

Did you make yourself happy or anxious? You didn’t directly create the emotion. You induced either by remembering a happy or anxious memory, which created the emotion. You experienced something that triggered happiness and something else that lead to anxiety. Emotions like anxiety naturally arise from experience and cannot be easily controlled like a power switch.

One point I must make clear is regulating actions of an emotion is completely different to emotional regulation. It’s okay to accept the one second of anger when your son doesn’t wash the dishes, but it isn’t okay to abuse him about it. You have the power to control the action-side of anger by breathing to gain clarity, thinking about the need that caused your anger, and being assertive.

A Breakthrough Model for Social Freedom

He who is brave is free.Seneca

Man is free at the moment he wishes to be.Voltaire, 17th century writer on social reform

You now know to not resist anxiety. If you try to not think of a pink elephant, you’re stuck thinking about a pink elephant. What should you do instead of obsessing about the pink elephant that is anxiety?

Before we can answer this, let’s first understand what you were trying to achieve by removing anxiety. Here’s a quote from my special member’s only report The Only Cure to Social Anxiety, available in part three of Big Talkers, where for the first time this breakthrough model of social freedom is revealed and simply applied to socializing:

You’ve heard the terms “social anxiety” and “fear”, but what words are their opposite? You probably think terms like “calmness” is the opposite to “social anxiety” and “confidence” is the opposite to “fear”.

You’ve been “working on yourself” for a few years now and banish fear in pursuit of confidence . You try to erase anxiety in pursuit of calmness. Such actions are driven by the belief that an opposite – more ideal – state of anxiety exists. This belief drives your fear in social situations.

You can see this traditional model to deal with social anxiety below:

Continuing on in the report:

What if I told you an opposite term didn’t exist? What effect would that have on your belief system and actions?

If social anxiety and fear had no opposite, you wouldn’t pursue another state. You wouldn’t seek out calmness to move away from it’s polar opposite of social anxiety. You wouldn’t seek out confidence to move away from it’s polar opposite of fear.

With anxiety and fear being their own states with no opposite, you couldn’t make them transform or disappear into another state. They would simply exist because it’s natural.

What does the new model look like then?

If anxiety is a natural experience to be held, the other end of the “confidence spectrum” becomes freedom. You’re free to experience what you feel!

The problem is not anxiety, but the desire to avoid anxiety.

Freedom is not an alleviation of barriers, but complete acceptance of them. You don’t have to like the barriers. You don’t have to like anxiety. It’s your choice if you drop the tug-of-war rope with anxiety and allow it to be there.

The problem is not anxiety, but the desire to avoid anxiety. Attempts to move from social anxiety towards confidence, calmness, even freedom – whatever it maybe – snares you in the same trap of fighting anxiety. This new model of socializing and living happy aims to not push you from social anxiety towards social freedom, but to move you to accept social anxiety, which is freedom.

You can quickly comprehend how free you are by asking: “Where’s my focus when anxiety arises?” The free person sees what’s important to them (value-based living) while the anxiety sufferer battles with anxiety (desire to avoid social anxiety).

A girl who thinks everyone analyzes her is not socially free – she will be afraid to speak and socialize. Another girl who says what she feels and speaks her mind even when she’s afraid is socially freer than the first girl. Social freedom is therefore the absence of a desire to avoid social anxiety. The later girl lives a freer social life because she knows anxiety and fear is okay to exist. How can you too live a free social life once and for all?

How to Live a Meaningful Life and Treat a Social Anxiety Disorder with ACT

Has fear ever held a man back from anything he really wanted?George Bernard Shaw, recipient of the 1925 Nobel Prize in literature

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.Ambrose Redmoon, rock band manager and writer

You don’t decide to feel anxiety – you decide to live a meaningful life. Pain exists either way. The push-pull of fear and love is expected if you move towards what you care about like friends and social freedom. Your decision is not whether you feel anxiety, but if you want to reflect on your past and feel proud. How do you go about this? You use the ACT formula.

The ACT formula below is part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. CureTogether.org, a place where patients of almost any health problem come together to share their self-experiments, found Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to be one of the most effective yet hidden solutions for anxiety treatment.

Three components exist to start living a meaningful life when you suffer from social anxiety: Accept, Choose Directions, and Take Action.

Accept. Follow the serenity creed by accepting what you can and can’t change. If you get anxious around attractive women because you’re short and you think women find shortness unattractive, as erroneous as that belief is, you can’t change your height and need to accept it.

Your decision is not whether you feel anxiety, but if you want to reflect on your past and feel proud.

By accepting your height, you don’t resign to the thought you’ll forever suck with women. It means you end your struggle with what is. This creates space for you to do something productive like learn the many other things women want in men.

Acceptance is your willingness to openly live. It is not resignation to your anxiety, a feeling, or one decision. It is a choice you make to approach life each day. There may be a law you hate, but you accept it and openly live with it. Acceptance transforms your suffering into plain pain. Acceptance ends your battle with social anxiety.

Besides, how has resistance to anxiety gone for you? You struggle with the internal battle doing things like screen phone calls, skip parties, and shop at the least busiest of times. The anxiety temporarily subsides then explodes in another situation.

You’re not a bad or messed up person because of your battle with anxiety and use of strategies to deal with it. You’re just using ineffective methods. Can you see how resistance is not working for you and why this first step of “Accept” is important for you?

Choose Directions. Where do you want to be one year from now?

Viktor Frankl was a man confined to life-threatening barriers yet used choice, acceptance, and values to survive then live a valuable life. Frankl was a prisoner of war transported between Nazi camps relentless as the other. Prisoners were stripped naked, called a number instead of their name, starved, placed in gas chambers, and put in dehumanizing moments.

Fellow prisoners committed suicide to avoid the suffering of another day with the Nazis. Some prisoners lay in bed refusing to get up as they submitted to Nazi beatings. Statistic experts estimate there was a 3% chance of survival.

Frankl noticed a common thread amongst those who endured the pain: they had reason to live. What did Frankl do? He stood outside to give a psychotherapeutic speech on concentration camps, studied and helped fellow prisoners, and did what he could to give life purpose. Surviving prisoners imagined reunion with families or completion of a valuable project back in their home country. No Nazi could steal a prisoner’s vision.

Freud said man is driven from sexual instincts. Frankl developed Logotherapy and says your deepest desire is purpose. Carl Jung echoed similar sediments saying, “The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.”

Again I ask you… Where do you want to be one year from now?

You may struggle to head in a direction because of your language that describes anxiety. It’s typical for anxiety sufferers to be low on life consumed with the anxiety battle. I’ve heard and said things like, “I can’t go to parties until my anxiety is fixed”, “I’d do public speaking, but I’m afraid”, and “That girl is hot and I’d like to talk to her, but I don’t want to embarrass myself”.

Why have you previously wanted anxiety to be gone? To be less anxious? How uninspiring! You know at some level that less anxiety through techniques, anti-depressant medication, or some other remedy doesn’t create a richer life.

How would it feel if your tombstone had written on it:

[Your name] battled anxiety for 14 years. He dedicated each day to researching techniques, taking medication, and doing what’s possible to dodge anxiety-inducing situations. He had few friends, never volunteered to help the less fortunate, and never married. He was never able to lie down on the beach with the sunset and cool breeze blowing through his hair because he never conquered anxiety.

Write your tombstone if you died today. We’ll get to the second part of this tombstone exercise soon.

Do another useful exercise for change to this new model of social anxiety. Spend five minutes now writing your list of Life Costs of Anxiety Avoidance. This list is to include the costs of what you have missed in life because you avoided anxiety. Common life costs of my students battling social anxiety include:

• No partner, ever
• No fun at social events
• No promotions at work from weak behavior
• Abuse from strangers for awkwardness
• The frustration from not voicing needs
• A disbelief great goals can be achieved

To further help you choose directions, ask yourself,“What values do I hold?” These values can be outside of relationships because anxiety affects your entire life. You can avoid going to university from your anxiety of being afraid to meet fellow students.

Values are different to goals because a goal can be achieved while a value may never end. You achieve a goal of making friends but you can’t complete the value of being friendly. Values are a path you go on. You may like to think of a value as an intention.

Example values are below along with questions to stimulate value-extraction and the problem of anxiety avoidance to show its affect on what’s meaningful:

1. Example: Loving brother/sister and parent. Questions: What type of brother/sister/parent do you want to be? How do you want to be around family? Problem: I’ve avoided talking about the elephant in the room (what everyone knows is there, but ignores) and prevented a deep connection with family because it’s scary.
2. Example: Great friend. Questions: What does it mean for you to be a great friend? What is it about friendship that’s valuable to you? Problem: Skipped my anxiety by not approaching people and accepting invitations to events that’s lead to few friends and low-quality relations with current friends.
3. Example: Help people with my career. Questions: What do you care about with work? What work do you like? Problem: I’ve stayed at home to avoid my anxiety that comes from meeting with clients and co-workers.
4. Example: Learn new skills. Questions: What would you like to learn? Why learn or undergo training? Problem: Stagnation and unfulfillment from a non-acceptance of anxiety to do with failure.

Take 10 minutes to list various values. Your answers are extremely important and guide you to purposeful living. Don’t let the importance of values bog you down because you can shape your answers later on. Hold values playfully to do this exercise because life and purpose is fun!

If you’re yet to locate your values, go inside the pain where you struggle the most then flip it over by saying, “What would I have to not care about to not have this pain be hurtful?” If your pain is social anxiety, you may not have to care about being with people, contribution, and loving others. Values reside in fear.

Your Life Costs of Anxiety Avoidance list motivates you to step into anxiety while your list of values motivate and direct you where to go.

Take Action. Once you accept what you can and can’t change and choose directions valuable to you, action is the last step. Act on your values.

You likely already act on your values. Your values are better clarified by what you do. If you avoid your anxiety, you probably value avoiding anxiety. With anxiety, however, it muddles what’s meaningful to you.

A commitment to take this third and last step of action is itself a value that shows you care about your life.

Spend 10 minutes now to build an action plan that puts you on a path aligned with your chosen directions. In your action plan, list the first action-step to get you started. This is critical to build momentum and meaningfully live.

Behave aligned with your values and meaningful goals.

If you value family, a step could be to phone family members to organize a date for dinner by the end of next month. If you value being friendly, maybe a step for you is to get How to Win Friends and Influence People and Big Talk. Put together a concrete action plan to get going.

Unless you do something different, whether it’s follow ACT or some other treatment plan, you will not generate different results in your life. When you follow these steps, you shift from emotional regulation to emotional acceptance. You go from anxiety reduction to a fully functional being with values and goals meaningful to you.

The “cure” to social anxiety disorder isn’t accepting anxiety to remove it. That’s the same trap. Forget curing anxiety altogether. Behave aligned with your values and meaningful goals. It’s not easy. You either be friendly or you do not. There’s no “I tried to socialize” or “I tried to be nice to people”.

Your willingness to live meaningfully is a choice you make through action. Feelings and thoughts come and go, but where you travel is a daily-decision acted out with your feet. Will you join me at the banquet beside anxiety?

Recommended Resources About a Social Anxiety Disorder

1. Fellow Aussie Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, has a good overview of ACT I recommend you read if you want to further explore this therapy.
2. For a complete step-by-step guide to effortlessly make friends when you’re shy and quiet, get my Big Talk course.
3. Another good resource (saying so myself) is Big Talkers, particularly part three where you’ll access my interview with Dr Stephen Hayes quoted in this article.

Question of the Day

What will you do this week to live a more meaningful life instead of trying to cure a social anxiety disorder?

The post The Only “Cure” for Social Anxiety Disorder and Achieving Social Freedom appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.

It’s hard to socialize if your voice is unclear, jagged, and plain boring – common vocal traits of shy people. A charming voice is sexy. It makes people listen to you.

This is a guest article from Carol, a friend of mine for two years. Carol runs her speech company out of San Francisco. She is the best voice coach I know. Read and most importantly practice what she has to teach in this article to develop a charming voice…

Does this sound familiar?

People have trouble hearing my voice when there’s any kind of noise.

When I try to talk louder, I end up with a sore throat.

I sound raspy and flat on my voice-mail.

I need to be able to project when I give oral reports, so people don’t interrupt with, “Can’t hear you!” or “Speak up!”

I want to have a voice people call rich, resonant, and, well, OK – sexy.

I have worked with voice improvement for many years and know there is single golden road to your gorgeous voice: you have to think “Singing“.

Wait! Don’t go! That first step to a charming voice is understanding there really are learnable skills that make a huge difference in the attractiveness of your voice. Yes, you can do something about it.

Singing is a matter of a sustained vocal tone with maximal resonance. In practice, what this means for your speaking is the vowels are more prominent when you talk and you allow chest resonance to build and color your words.

Why Your Voice Isn’t Golden

Reason 1: The problem you are probably up against is that you barely open your mouth when you talk – you retract your voice to the back of your throat and constrict the sound so there is little opportunity for resonance to build.

Reason 2: Most of your speech energy goes into your consonants and not your vowels. Big mistake! While speech sounds are clearly important to intelligibility, vowels are equally vital PLUS supplying a physical, musical element can be attractive and charming to the opposite sex.

Here’s a sentence that uses a lot of noise, just to give you the idea: “Stacie can’t scratch the itch.” Compare all those noise elements to the vocal flow of “Many men will wonder.” in the following exercise.

Reason 3: You spurt your voice inside each syllable instead of providing a steady flow of sound to carry your voice out with a continuous tone underlying all your speaking.

Those who have used my CDs, The Sound of Your Voice or have my book, It’s the Way You Say It, will recognize the concepts of Tonal Support and Linking. (Josh: See my review of The Sound of Your Voice.)

If you use the concept of singing to guide your speaking, you are more likely to allow melodic variation into your speaking.

Did you see the movie, The King’s Speech? The stuttering king produced his best, most fluent speech when he used the continuous flow of voice, with one word linked to the next, to connect his speech.

Place your hand firmly on your throat and say, very slowly, “Many men will wonder”. You should have felt a continuous flow of voice as you moved from one word to the next. This flowing of the voice helped the King speak fluently and will help you sound more resonant.

Reason 4: That constricted throat you habitually use will produce a monotone not yummy.

If you use the concept of singing to guide your speaking, you are more likely to allow melodic variation into your speaking. Listen to the intonation of the famous “homeless” guy with the “golden voice” in the news recently. Notice how musical his speaking is. It is a constant song and people are enraptured by it. Crooning rhymes with spooning, doesn’t it?

If the first step to a charming and irresistible voice is knowing what to do, the second step is actually doing it. To go from “knowing” to “doing”, you need some help. Here are five steps to help you get the most out of your voice.

Practical Steps to Develop a Charming Voice

1. If you can, get yourself some singing instruction from someone who knows how to guide you in learning a new voice. You’ll probably pay for this. It will be worth every cent.
2. Join a church or community choir that provides some instruction in voice production. Just being in a group may give you the confidence to open up and try new behaviors you would never do by yourself.
3. Use my book, It’s the Way You Say It for exact instructions on these techniques and you can use my CDs The Sound of Your Voice to give you the auditory guidance to supplement the book.
4. Experiment with your new voice with people who wait on you in restaurants or the dentist’s office. You can develop more skill and comfort using a changed voice with people who are not emotionally important to you.
5. It is a good idea to learn appropriate poetry so you practice and memorize it in your resonant voice. The poetry could come in handy.

All is fair in love and war, they say. And a sexy voice simply cannot be beat. Use this to develop a charming voice

Here is an interview of me where you learn more tips to make your voice charming:

The post 5 Steps to Develop a Charming Voice that’s Sexy appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.

I’m going to teach you how to win an argument everytime. You’ll win an argument so easily that you feel like an ancient Greek philosopher combined with a moody modern teenager. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you with this street-wise 15-tip guide to shield yourself from verbal brutality:

1. Use mental rehearsal. Psychologists for years have known the power of rehearsing an event in one’s mind before the real thing takes place. By visualizing a conversation before it occurs, you become strong, stubborn, and unmoving to the faults of another person’s illogical logic.

If you suspect your spouse will accuse you of thinking about yourself, shout back a time your partner was selfish. If you know your laziness will be sniped, think of a time you were busy and overworked. Visualize exactly how you’ll start the conversation then counter-attack their moves to corner the person and guarantee yourself victory.

2. The best defense is the best offense. Keep this in mind at all times. When you’re cornered, vulnerable, and prone to damage, enter rampage mode. The mindset here is to steal the ball from the person’s hands and go hard, doing as much damage as you can to make your initial actions look good.

Did your partner spot you sneaking a peak at that young waiter? Tell your woman you wouldn’t oogle at hot women if she wasn’t so boring. The guilt you’ve established in her will make you the victor.

Did your friend accuse you of stealing his beer? Tell him he shouldn’t be a jerk all the time.

Did your boss catch you snooping around on his laptop? You better put your boss in a defensive position before he can fire you. Tell him to let you go free otherwise you’ll report him for the stash of drugs you placed found in his drawer.

3. Dodge like a butterfly… then sting like a bee. You cannot win an argument everytime through brute force. Be defensive when vulnerable. Get ready to dodge.

Change topics if you feel you’re losing the fight. Default phrases to help you slide in another topic for discussion include, “That reminds me… “Speaking of…” “Funny you should say that because…” Laughter is another good tool that releases your tension and shows you don’t care even though you’re collapsing inside.

Politicians are your idols at dodging bullets. Model your favorite evasive politician by slipping in random comments that shift the conversational subject to something you desire to speak more of.

4. Build allies. Not all relationships are bad. Relationships are useful when ally parties join to fight for your cause. Establish an ally of coworkers to single out the problematic coworker. Reinforce your point to a stranger by teaming with friends. Martial arguments can be easily won when the children are on your side. With people comes protection and strength.

Relationships are useful when ally parties join to fight for your cause.

5. Generalize, distort, and delete what you hear. Good listening is poison to good relationships. Should you accurately hear what someone says, you might discover the truth and start connecting with the person. Yuck.

It’s best you minimize good listening by manipulating information intake with three tactics:

1. Generalize. Turn one statement into an overarching belief with exaggerations that disorient your victim. They ask, “Can you do the dishes?” You say: “You always make me do the dishes”, “You never do the dishes”, or “All-the-time you control me”.
2. Distort. Alter what they say so they’re the villain and you’re the victim. They say, “I need you to be home on the weekend.” You say: “You don’t want me to have fun”, “You’re trying hard to make me avoid friends”, or “Man, you hate me”.
3. Delete. Simply skip important information. Ignorance is key here. “To succeed in life,” said Mark Twain, “you need two things: confidence and ignorance.”

6. Be extraneously attentive. Just because you should generalize, distort, and delete information when listening, doesn’t mean you fully ignore someone. Adhere to what teacher of conscious living Richard Moss said: “The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.” Give people your well-developed attention if you want to win a fight. Your motto here is to “Know more about the enemy than he knows about himself”.

One way to do this is to pick on intricate details that display the person’s imperfection. If you know a girl is insecure about her front teeth, tell her she’s an ugly Bugs Bunny. If a guy mispronounces a word, point it out. If your spouse stumbles over the carpet during an argument, call your uncoordinated other “clumsy”. Be attentive to drill out flaws.

7. Always be right. You’re a perfect human being. Everyone else is a jerk. The moment others learn this, your life will be easy. Until then, you must criticize and complain about other people’s (incorrect) opinions.

…your job is to contend why one plus one equals a window.

Ignore the principle of consistency. You’re not weighed down by past decisions because you’re a clear, rational human being. If other people fail to see how you’re right, it’s because they’re dumb.

If you explain what one plus one equals – and you get it wrong – your job is to contend why one plus one equals a window or how it equals three because of synergistic principles.

8. Never fix a problem you made. I know you haven’t forgotten this: you’re always right. Whatever you do is destiny. Anyone that makes you think otherwise must be verbally stoned. Since there’s no modern day option of a public stoning, publicly humiliate them by drawing attention to their faults.

If a family member mentions a stain on your shirt, shift focus quick. Say his room at home is filthy enough to breed a new life form. Did your friend accuse you of stealing his girlfriend? It was hardly his girlfriend if she cheated on him. Don’t apologize or amend a mistake because that concedes defeat and makes you look weak. Apologizing has no benefits. It’s in your best interest to leave forgiveness to religious followers.

9. Be your own person never dependent on others. Weak people depend on others, but not you. You’re strong and independent. When you know people are untrustworthy and it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, the only person you can trust is yourself.

If you want something to get done, it’s up to you. Getting other people to do things is slow anyway. Successful, happy individuals like Bill Gates do everything themselves to ensure things get done the right way.

10. Block emotion. You’re an unemotional being because emotions have thwarted your survival in the past. Darwin would be proud of your unique evolution.

Crazed females, asylum attendees, and the weak are the ones controlled by emotion. Smart people are the best communicators because they communicate with logic. If another person gets emotional, it’s best you feign ignorance at their attempt to derail you from supremacy. The only time you want to be emotional is when you repeat words at a louder volume.

11. Use superior vocabulary. No one can win an argument against you when you pick apart their delusional misconstructions of rationale at present. Slotting large words within your vocabulary gives you the added benefit of talking longer, making you more likely to convince another person against his will. Prolong speech is an effective method to win an argument everytime.

12. Be respectful only when you’re respected. When you’re verbally punched, break the rules of good relationships. Throw in a low jab then bite the persons ear because their actions justify your retaliation. Only treat people well when they treat you well. Relationships are an Enron investment to be avoided. Minimize your costs in relationships when possible.

Use degrading terms, but give them a righteous foundation with clear logic.

13. Advanced name-calling. Children call others names like “Stupid-head” and “Big ears”. Not you though. You’re mature. Use degrading terms, but give them a righteous foundation with clear logic.

Your brother has not put the garbage bins out for one month. What a perfect source of credible information. Next time he fails to do something, win the argument by saying, “Your ass is fatter than the garbage pile if you had to take it out.” Think through an insult to leave your opponent prone to follow-up attacks.

14. Start a meta argument. You may run dry on ammunition leaving you with little to attack someone. In these desperate times, shift the argument to a meta state by arguing about how they’re arguing.

If they’re slow to respond to a point, use a Major Payne line, “Ta, ta, ta, today junior!” If they don’t change their mind, call them “thick”. If they misunderstand you, tell them their “ignorance is laughable”. With this infinite supply of ammo, you guarantee to shoot down your enemy.

15. Walk away. If all the mentioned techniques fail to win you the argument, give up in disgust and walk away. The person is stubborn, not you.

This article was a fun jab at our bad habits amidst conflict. If you read just one tip nodding your head in agreement, thinking you discovered how to win an argument everytime, and planning your next conquest, your people skills are in need of serious surgery. Please for your own sake, get my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program.

The post How to Win an Argument Everytime appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.

Whether you’re the girl at the bar yelling to her friends “Oh my I have to pee SO BAD!” or the guy whose voice cracks over his first words, it’s hard to erase a first impression from someone’s brain. As said in Big Talk, where there’s a whole chapter on ways to make a good first impression, “A first impression isn’t a last impression; it’s an influential impression.”

A good impression at first sight is what I call “the lazy man’s way to make people like you”. Princeton University research shows our snap judgments remain consistent over time. If someone judges you as “attractive”, “friendly”, and “open” within 100 milliseconds, they’re likely to think you’re all that by the end of the conversation. The study found one thing changes as the conversation continues: a person’s confidence in the accuracy of their first impression.

Call it bias or unfairness. I call it human psychology. Work with it if you want to be seen as awesome. Learn how to impress people at first sight. Here are 40 ways to make a great first impression.

1. Know the importance of body language. Before you open your mouth, people judge a lot about you by the way you walk, hold yourself, and move. These types of nonverbal communication are detected before you mutter a word. It’s a myth nonverbal communication gives 93% of all communication, but body language must be statistically high as part of a first impression.

Knowing the value of body language and unspoken social dynamics in a good first impression encourages you to focus on it. You’ll be more concerned with smiling, speaking louder and clearer, and appearing calm, which will impress others more than a great conversation starter.

2. Open your body language. Open body language invites and impresses while closed body language shows ignorance and insolence. Here’s a snippet of a table from the Big Talk course explaining the difference between the two types of body language:

Imagine two people. You’re one of them. The weirdo has all the traits of closed body language while you or me – each an amazingly cool person – has all the traits of open body language. You get the vibe the other person is a creep while we’re charming.

3. Social proof yourself. Social proof is a principle of social psychology that says we look to others during obscure social situations to determine how we should behave. There are hundreds of unknown people in public social events so we observe how people treat each other to measure how we should treat someone.

If you see everyone looking towards a guy, you’ll look towards him to calculate what’s going on. If a guy seated alone for an hour approaches you for conversation, you’ll dislike him before he opens his mouth. You’ll look for information to validate why he is alone and unpopular.

If every time someone spots you laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible.

Everyone knows you can manipulate your words and tell a verbal lie, but we believe what we see. Social proof is a great way to make a good first impression. Make friends before you enter a venue. Be seen chatting with the bouncer or waiter or a group of friends you just met. If someone spots you every time laughing with a group of new people, you’ve made a better first impression than anything else possible with cool body language or witty first words.

4. Put yourself at ease. Did you know if you’re tense talking with someone, the mirror neurons in another person’s brain forces them to become tense? Their body literally duplicates your tension. The strain or message that relates to it, like you’re an uptight angry jerk, is then stored in the person’s hippocampus, the memory center of the brain. Not a good way to make friends.

If you’re like most ToP readers, your body is tense right now. Heck, even I just realized I’m tense writing about tension! To see your tension and remove it, relax your forehead. Loosen your jaw. Let your face droop downwards as the tension dissipates. You can tighten a muscle for three seconds then release it to enter relaxation. Do this throughout your body whenever you think of it. Tension is unconscious, but relaxation conscious.

5. Get into shape. Light travels faster than sound, so your physical appearance is noticed before your voice or introductory comment is heard. Looks aren’t everything, but they’re important and quickly noticed.

Get your physical game together whatever that maybe. Exercise to stay in shape. Drop that greasy packet of chips in the bin. Everyone notices a guy with biceps bulging out of his sleeves or a woman with a curvacious figure. We’re impressed by people with good physiques.

6. Dress stylish within the decade. I understand if your bright green neon stilettos appear “timeless” to you. However, nobody else does. When in doubt, wear black or gray. These colors are timeless and even if a dress or tie was purchased 10 years ago, it’ll come across as stylish because it’s not a shocking, bright, or ridiculous color.

Dress nice and stylish, but comfortable. You want to look your best, yet many times we tend to think dressing sharp, stylish, and sexy is more important than being comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and constantly tugging or pulling at your shirt or dress, you’ll feel distracted and probably self-conscious. Don’t compromise comfort for style. Feel good in what you wear.

This is no fashion school, yet I must say one last thing on this topic. Not only is it important to dress for comfort, it’s important to dress for your body type as well. Ladies, don’t squeeze into a revealing, slinky dress because you hear it’s the latest style, even though your chest is popping out and you can see your underwear lines through it. Men, don’t wear a fitted Slipknot t-shirt if your gut sticks out beneath it. You need tip number five if that’s the case!

The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

7. Think positive before going in. Imagine the positive mark you’ll make on people instead of visualizing how that attractive lady will laugh at you when you approach her asking, “Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?” (I wouldn’t blame you if you’re thinking negatively using that pick-up line). See the interaction going incredibly awesome. Believe the person you’re about to talk to is friendly. You’ll go in looking a happier, more impressionable person.

If you’re a pessimist so you never get disappointed, read my review of Mind-Lines, a great book on reframing to think in healthy ways. The difference between a good impression and bad one may just be how you interpret it.

8. Get into a positive state. Make people’s mirror neurons work for your benefit. Put yourself into a positive state so a person’s brain makes them emotionally high in your presence.

I believe it’s unhealthy to always seek happiness and “positive emotions” because you block yourself from authenticity and a full experience of life, but there are lessons in Big Talk you can follow to boost your mood and impress people:

1. Firstly, know that energy is a choice. You can make yourself feel good at will.
2. You may get in a good mood by psyching yourself up or down. Figure out what works for you.
3. Talk with anyone or anything. If you feel great and can have a smooth conversation with your cat, I like your odds at impressing people in a conversation.
4. Take a practice dive socializing. Dive in and allow yourself to belly flop. E-motion is energy in emotion. Action is necessary to feel alive.

9. Be present. The distinguishing factor between anxious, lonely persons and those with charisma is their energetic focus. Loners are drawn into themselves. They think about past mistakes or anticipate how others may respond. I use to think of me freezing in past conversations or about what others would think if I said something. Yeah, it’s messy.

People know when you’re not fully in the moment and are repulsed by it. Children hate when a parent pretends to listen when all they do is hear.

Just before you approach someone or at anytime during a conversation, focus on the now. The best way I’ve found to do this is by taking deep and slow belly-breathes for 30 seconds. You can also observe a person’s body language. These techniques will make you more present and people will be impressed.

10. Impress the right person. Would you leave your hand print on a rock or in clay? Some people are easier to impress than others while some are worth impressing more than others.

If you have a hard-time impressing people, pick low-hanging fruit. Talk to the person alone or listen to the person looking sad. The social proof and emotional momentum will help you impress those higher up the tree. It’s a sneaky way to make a good first impression.

11. Approach people from a 45-degree angle. It’s alarming to have someone approach you head on. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything aggressively nearing us. Having said that, don’t sneak up on someone like they’re your best friend. It’s not cute. In the caves thousands of years ago we’d kill anything that tried to surprise us from behind (okay, maybe your ancestors didn’t give you my schizophrenic genes, but you get the point.)

What’s the right way to walk up to people? Approach from a 45-degree angle. You can keep your geometry set in your school bag. Just use the principle as a reminder that we’re comfortable being approached by strangers at a visible indirect angle.

12. Make eye contact. The eyes give your interactions emotional meaning. If you look at any object or person as if you had ADHD, you’ll appear anxious or disinterested. Certainly you’ve heard this a million times, but giving someone a good look in the eyes right as you meet them shows you’re interested in them. Your pupils dilate and they instinctively catch on, causing automatic attraction.

13. Cast an illuminating smile. A cold turkey smile switches on in an instant. An illuminating smile turns on gradually. Make eye contact with someone then go from a blank face to a full warm smile in two seconds. Read my article “How to Be Interesting Without Saying a Word” for more help with this technique and a couple of extra tricks to impress people through your body language.

14. Don’t stare and smile like a hungry wolf. Or a hungry vampire. Eye contact is one thing, looking like someone staring at their bait is another.

Temporarily break eye contact by shifting your eyes downwards for two seconds. It’s a sign of friendliness and safety probably experienced by cave men who killed beasts that glared in their eyes (again, that’s probably my schizophrenic genes). Sharing your eye contact with the floor makes you safe and likable in the eyes of those you chat with giving them a good impression of you.

15. Remember your acquaintances name and use it. A “nice to meet you, Sarah” or “Me too Bob, I totally get that” shows you’re interested in speaking to them and are having more than just an empty conversation. If you have the memory of a goldfish, check out a post of mine for social skills resources to help remember names.

16. Shake hands well. There’s more to a handshake than a firm one. Lean forward at the hips to show interest. Ensure your hand and theirs go web-to-web. Yes, grip firmly. A strong, firm handshake shows confidence in anyone. Same for you, ladies. Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to stick out your fingers like a delicate tulip. My last tip for a good handshake is to give two up-and-down shakes. Do these and you may just impress people with your hand skills.

17. Speak with a resonant voice. I’ve mentioned body language for a good impression, but the voice is another part of nonverbal communication that can impress people. A squelching voice will leave your listeners with plugs in their ears while a soothing, clear voice will have people hang on to your every word.

There’s diverse problems in vocalics from talking too loud, fast, soft, raspy, high, indecisively, breathy, and the list goes on. To cure all these problems and improve your voice, I recommend you learn from Carol Fleming, creator of The Sound of Your Voice audio program, and her new book It’s the Way You Say It. Her book is the best resource I’ve come across to improve your voice and nonverbal communication.

18. Make the conversation about others. We think we need to impress others by drawing attention to ourselves. The opposite is true. I once saw a man wearing a shirt that said, “Oh yea, that reminds me of something that allows me to talk about myself.” For many people, this couldn’t be more true. The last person you want to be is the one who starts telling a story about themselves as soon as they hear someone mention a related topic. You make friends easily when the conversation is on their passions, their problems, their perceptions.

19. Show interest in what they have to say. If someone talks about the awesome day they had or the recent achievement they accomplished at work, it’s worth the recognition and respect that comes along with you intently listening. Did he land a new job? Shut up about your 10 million dollar deal and be happy for him. Lean forward, ask questions, have your mouth slightly open, and be in awe.

20. Talk about yourself. Yeah, that will impress people when done right. You see, fans of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People are so adamant on making the conversation about others and being interested in people. This makes a good impression on people – without it, you’re sure to be the person everyone wishes would be gagged for silence. However, if you really want to impress a guy or girl and make them into a friend, you need to talk about yourself.

We feel close to those we understand. Without that understanding of someone’s identity, we have our shields up. If someone talks about their hot air balloon experience, ask them questions, listen to them gas, then share how you’ve never done it before and would love to do it. They may just invite you to fly away some day after you impress them.

21. Show how great you are rather than telling. If you’re awesome and you want someone to know it, don’t tell them. Your actions, mannerisms, and attention must show you’re a killer person. A guy who talks about his Lamborghini before you go on a drive is an idiot, while a guy who takes you into his Lamborghini without a mention of it is impressive. You amaze people when they discover cool things about you on their own.

22. Throw them a genuine compliment. Showering someone with compliments is sucking up. If you absolutely love someone’s hairstyle or outfit, make a point to tell them. You impress by complimenting a person on something they put effort into and hoped someone would notice.

You amaze people when they discover cool things about you on their own.

23. Accept compliments with grace. A whine fits in here as well. People find it difficult to accept a compliment. A good response to “I like your outfit” is a simple “Thank you” rather than “Ugh, the color makes me look pale.” It’s okay to be praised and admired. Now is not the time to feel guilt.

24. Make them feel great. I’ve given a couple tips on what to say to impress people because a great impression is about the feelings you create in other people. “They may forget what you said,” said Frederick Buechner, author of over 20 books on deep humanity, “but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

You get in a positive mood, dress stylishly, smile, shake hands well, make eye contact, and compliment – not for your own ego – but for the positive feelings you create in other people. I want you to go from asking, “Am I impressing the person?” to “How am I making the person feel?” Do what you can to make people feel great to leave a long-lasting emotional imprint.

25. Cut negativity. You leave a bad emotional imprint with drama, depression, gossip, complaints, and criticism. If you complain about your uncomfortable outfit, your bad hair day, or “how faaaaat you look,” you come across as a negative person. If you go on and on about a health problem, you create in them a mental problem of a bad impression.

26. Respect social rules. There is no need to stand out or risk breaking social rules. If you say something really off the wall or perverted, it will be remembered. The first time you meet someone, don’t mention your bladder leak on an airplane. There’s no excuse for that.

If you’re completely douched in cologne or perfume, it will be remembered. Subtle scents are fine and often attractive to others. But if you’re the guy that smells like an Old Spice commercial halfway across the bar, women will not woo you for attention.

27. Be cautious about your alcohol consumption. If there is booze around, you probably want a drink or two to loosen up and get in the mood. Drinking to the point of being belligerently drunk and annihilated will screw your chances of being impressionable in a positive way.

28. Follow the rules of etiquette. Each of your behaviors say something about you. If you have a potty mouth that unleashes foul language, you are seen as raw, rough, and rude. On the other hand, if you follow the rules of etiquette, you impress people with your punctuality and politeness.

Some basic rules of etiquette follow. Abstain from swearing. Open doors for others and keep them open. Arrive and leave events at the right time. Write thank you notes. If you eat or chew gum, don’t chew like a cow. Feed your stomach with a closed mouth. I have a follow up article teaching you 89 social etiquette tips.

29. Get touchy. Socially acceptable touching is the most underused form of nonverbal communication. Appropriate touching connects people faster than words. Tap your target on the elbow during your approach to get their attention then shake hands. Touch people to emphasize a point in a story. Everyone loves a celebratory high-five.

30. Get in sync. This means you nonverbally match someone you’re talking with. Alter your voice, posture, stance, gestures, and movements to mirror theirs. If they stand and move around the room, stand then walk with them. Once you’re in sync, they’ll feel you’re a typical friend just like them. It’s an effective way to make a good first impression.

31. Pull everyone into the conversation. You can impress more than one person by baiting uninvolved group members into the conversation. A loudmouth guy may hog the spotlight, leaving others in the dark. You should talk to the whole group. Shift the attention onto the dormant conversationalists by asking questions like, “What’s your experience with that?” “What’s your opinion on this?” and “What do you think?” If you’re asked a question like “How do you spend your time during the day?”, turn the same question onto them. People will be impressed with your social intelligence.

32. You can be wrong. It’s okay to not have someone admit you’re right even when you know the truth. Righteously blind people irritate. If you cannot prove to a nut head the Earth is not the center of the universe, others in the group will admire your need to not be all knowing and wonder how your verbal combatant’s genes survived this long.

33. Be unique. If you feel there’s nothing special about you, create something. Rarity is memorable and valued everywhere. We remember Elvis created a unique style of music. FedEx became known for the “overnight delivery” then hurt itself by competing with DHL for “worldwide”. When all mouth wash companies tried to make their product pleasurable in the mouth, Listerine came in and went the opposite way.

Rarity is memorable and valued everywhere.

Find something unique about you that can receive more attention. That one thing will stick in people’s mind. You will become the “pink hair girl”, “the funny coffee man”, or “the tall guy”.

34. Show your sense of humor. If you’re witty, sarcastic, or dark with humor, it’s your personality and you want to show it. However, if you find yourself wanting to joke like, “A blonde walks into a bar. Ouch!” reconsider sharing it. Whatever you do, don’t try to start off with a funny opening line such as “So Helen Keller walks into a bar…” Talk to someone for a few minutes before determining whether or not your humor will be appreciated. Conversational humor develops throughout the interaction anyway.

35. Let little troubles float by you. This is a lesson from my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. People with little power pick on little things. A couple walks down the street when one of them stumbles and the other replies, “Oh, watch your step.” A group of mates have a beer when one tips over his drink to which a mate jokes, “That was smart.” A boyfriend tries to empathize with his girlfriend when she sneezes by saying, “Oh, that was a nasty one.” Pointing out the obvious does not impress people. It makes you insensitive.

Famed painter and sculptor Pablo Picasso said, “The hidden harmony is better than the obvious.” Powerful people with prestige impress others by ignoring unimportant noise. They don’t point out the obvious because it’s emotionally unintelligent. They continue whatever they were doing. If they talk about a family problem at a restaurant when a waiter gives them a wrong order, they solve the hiccup and move on, instead of getting snared in drama. Poise and composure give people safety and certainty, both attractive qualities to create.

36. Give people a second-chance. Based on the Princeton University research mentioned earlier, you know our first impressions of someone tend to remain throughout the conversation with them. What changes is our increased confidence that our quick judgments were spot on. People will give you a bad first impression. You may think a new co-worker is a cow, a guy at a party should jump off the balcony, or a girl is a drama queen. Give people another chance to impress you to become more friendly, impressing people.

If you had a mind-blank at the start of a conversation with a stranger, you’d feel they’re pretty amazing if they came up to you later and said, “Never mind about our ‘conversation’ before. I get mind-blanks all the time. What’s your name?” What a caring and impressive person!

37. Stop over-thinking. “My hair looks bad.” “I forgot to iron this shirt.” “What if everyone hates me?” “What if I have a zit?” Stop it. Insecurities are the greatest turn off according to author Robert Greene in The Art of Seduction.

You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do.

You’d worry less about what people thought of you if you knew how little they do. Nobody’s going home saying, “Ugh, did you see his hair? It was combed slightly too far to the left.”

38. Remain calm. Don’t freak out if things go unplanned. Since you’re now thinking positive thoughts, keep your pants clean should things go haywire. If you trip, if you choke on your food, if you just don’t get along with someone you thought you’d click with, no worries. People’s actions do not matter; your reactions do.

39. Make a good last impression. We learned from the Princeton University study that people look for information to validate their first impression of someone. Leaving a conversation on a positive note gives people further proof their initial judgment is right – that you’re a great person.

Masters like Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods know how to finish strong. Become a conversation master by skipping the Houdini stunt of vanishing from the conversation. Use the “high returns” technique from Big Talk:

Appreciate something specific about the person by reflecting one thing the person talked about. Examples include: “I need to go now, but it has been great to receive your expertise on…” “Thank you for the great time together.” “I’m off to hunt down a friend, but it has been a pleasure to hear about your overseas journeys.” The person will leave the conversation on a high and love you for it.

40. Snare the chance to repair. What do you do if someone kindly approaches you and you give them the cold shoulder because you just lost your job? You can kick yourself for screwing up an impression or you can work with what’s happened by repairing your dirty ditch. Get the person aside then correctly apologize by admitting your mistake. Show your guilt, let the person respond, then move on. Use the other tips to make a better impression: put yourself at ease, let the trouble float by you, and make the conversation about them.

If all 40 ways to make a good first impression overwhelm you, they have a counterproductive effect. Take a few deep breathes. Let the tips fall back into your mind. You will unconsciously act out what you learned. When the day is over, you will be impressed by the people you impressed.

For more tips and techniques to socialize and make friends, get Big Talk by clicking here.

The post 40 Ways to Make a Good First Impression appeared first on TowerOfPower.com.au.