Some of us possess more charm than others, while an unfortunate few remain in the proverbial dust cloud of those who courted their way ahead. In medieval times (and still to this day) magic had charm because of its mysteries and unknown that left outsiders dumbfounded. If you charm men and women, they’ll wonder what magic you wield to make people respect and like you.

It’s obvious that charming people get more affection from the opposite sex, get respected by strangers, and get the raise they want at work. Charming people have an easier, more enjoyable life.

The good news is if you have as much charm as a backyard rock, you too can transform into a captivating diamond. If you feel you’ll never outshine the one always topping you with a cooler line, relax then follow some of the best tips below to help you charm any man or woman.

Be Sociable

I was going to put “be nice”, but that can be interpreted as some of the worst advice ever. If you’re on a date, be nice to the valet people, waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and other service workers by smiling and saying, “G’day”. Ask them with genuine interest how their day is going. It’s charming to show friendliness to these people. If you’re a snotty snob, you’re looking worse by the second and the people around you will wonder how you do your hair so strategically to hide your horns.

Being sociable in everyday “micro-interactions” makes you charismatic. For a complete system to go from shy and lonely to sociable and talkative, get my Big Talk Training Course.

Show Confidence

This is undeniable. If you enter a social situation feeling good about yourself and looking your best, you’ll be fine. If you enter any situation with your tail between your legs worrying about doing something wrong, you probably will stuff up. That’s all I’m going to say about confidence as nobody can quickly tell you how to be confident.

Remember Arrogance is not Charm

Charm doesn’t mean you become Ron Burgundy, walk up to someone, then talk about how awesome you are. If two minutes into the conversation you’re bragging about your recent humanitarian efforts in Haiti and rattling off the titles of all the leather bound books in your office, you’re not a charmer; you’re an arrogant a-hole. Please stop talking. As you’re about to discover, real charm comes from receiving by doing things like being genuinely interested, not pushing your awesomeness onto others.

Be Lively, Not Obnoxious

Whether you’re in a bar, at a restaurant, or attending an event in the park, if you’re the loudmouth that everyone can hear across the bar, they’ll want to punch you in the face. It’s not cute and it’s not charming to be the loud and obnoxious person.

Be Positive

I know I’m drowning you in cliches, but too many people I’ve talked to don’t understand how to charm men and women because of simple mistakes. Nobody wants to hang around Negative Nancy.

Being sarcastic and cynical is one thing, though it’s difficult to show that part of you in a non-negative way. I like to think of being positively sarcastic as a type of art form. It’s difficult to achieve, but you’re golden if you can properly execute it in a sparing manner.

Avoid discussing how much you hate your job, how bad your health is, how tasteless the music being played is, and how you’re having the worst hair day ever (even though you were just complimented on it). Steer clear of topics like death and suffering, but when they are brought up and others want to discuss them, you can talk about tough topics with a soothing calmness.

Complimenting people is one great way to be positive. I’ll briefly teach you how to compliment soon. When someone compliments you, avoid responding with, “Ugh, you think so? I don’t like it.” Graciously say thank you and leave it at that.

Show Interest

Many of us are inclined to start talking about ourselves once someone mentions their hobby, as in, “Oh you like traveling? I just got back from Guatemala. I was helping to pave that giant hole in the earth. Did you hear about that?”

Instead, ask about their travels first, otherwise you’ll look desperate to woo them with your God-like Earth-paving abilities and you’ll be made fun of as soon as you leave. Always ask at least one question when someone mentions their career or a hobby.

However, questioning itself doesn’t charm people. It’s how you lean forward, widen your eyes, and focus on the person’s every word that charms men and women. Pure presence is intimately mind-warping. You’ve got to experience it to know what I’m talking about. There’s a whole chapter on this in Big Talk that makes it easy to charm anyone.

As a rule of thumb, whenever someone shows interest in a topic, respond with equal interest or positive curiosity. Listen to what they say with genuine interest. Minutes will fly-by as they think you’re a great conversationalist. After being heard, they will be keen to hear the stories of your travels. Only then is it okay to brag about your Earth-healing adventure.

Keep in Mind Silence is Golden

Silence at the right time is charming. A silent look into someone’s eyes with a warming smile can say much more than hours of speech.

If you’re awful at moments of silence, practice showing interest in people and work on your listening skills. People have untapped knowledge deep listening digs up. If a guy is talking about a problem, listening intently helps him solve his own problems and it makes you look good! By actively listening you honor the talker’s thoughts and feelings and accept the person for who they are, which they’ll love you for.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Don’t make them wish they had a roll.

Withhold Advice

Active listening means you withhold advice until the person is done talking. Keep your unwelcome or unnecessary opinions to yourself. If a woman goes on about how her family never listens to her, don’t respond with “It’s no wonder” nor should you give her your elite suggestions to solve the situation. (Feel free, though, to talk about me and refer her to TowerOfPower.com.au!)

Advice is 1 of 12 communication killers I give in my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program. You probably think you’re helping people with advice, but there’s four reasons solutions hurt relationships.

Show Your Sense of Humor

Men and women love a sense of humor. Whether you’re the equivalent of a stand-up comedian, sarcastic, sharp with your wit, dry or dark, don’t be afraid to let it show. Inhibition is the greatest barrier to being funny.

You likely abstain from humor in fear that it’ll make people laugh at you. Bad humor repels people more than not being funny so let your humor-radar carefully guide you through the social waters. If your sense of humor has you walk up to a woman to say, “I like my women like the preparation of a good coffee: ground up and in the freezer,” don’t count on getting far.

There’s hope for you to become funnier because humor is learned. Get Comedy Writing Secrets to learn how humor is structured.

Also, an unusual way to improve your sense of humor is to laugh. Laughter is after all, the other side of a sense of humor. Laughing gets you in a good mood and trains you to take yourself lightly. Also, we like people who laugh at our conversational humor. If you’re talking to someone of the opposite sex and spill your drink or twist up your words, laugh at yourself and relax about it. You can even playfully accuse the person for your accident: “Look what you did!”

Ease your way into humor by learning what works and what’s socially acceptable. Eventually, you’ll charm people with laughter.

Give Authentic, True, and Genuine Compliments

Everyone loves a compliment because it feels good to be admired, attractive, and appreciated. Men particularly love them because we naturally crave respect and honor. Love to a woman is like respect to a man. An effective compliment, nonetheless, charms any person.

Sincerity isn’t enough, however, for a compliment to make someone feel the triple As. Timing is also important. Showering someone with sweet words every hour is not attractive and takes away from the authenticity of everything else you say. A simple “you look great in that dress” or “you have beautiful eyes” is perfectly acceptable in small doses.

The last and most important factor to consider to give a killer compliment is figuring out what the person wants to be admired for. There’s no point praising a person on his shirt if he chose it with no care. However, if the person chose a shirt with the slogan “help save African children from Aids” because he worked in Africa for a few months fighting the disease, then the emotional connection he has with his shirt will make your compliment powerful.

Talk About Your Interests with Passion

Passion is infectious. If the person you’re talking to or interested in hears you speak with passion and enthusiasm about what you do, they will become more intrigued and inclined to notice those things as well. If you drone on about your job or how the last few vacations you took were a drag, you’ll come across as Debbie Downer or Derek Depressor that no one wants to travel with (or talk to). Unless, of course, they’re into taking a Jamaican cruise while listening to you rave on how the entire country is in shambles.

Balance Your Work and Social Life

Charming people have the time to charm people! You’re not going to win men and women over by sitting in your office cubicle or playing World of Warcraft to six in the morning. You can get out and better socialize with these 14 amazing social skills resources.

We’ve all used the “I can’t, I have to…” excuse on someone we’re not interested in, and have probably had it used on us. After awhile people are conditioned to think that anyone who says no or says they have another commitment is blowing them off because they’re disinterested. I’m not saying you have to cancel plans every time someone you’re interested in wants to spend time with you, but have a flexible schedule.

Few persons want to date or be friends with someone who always runs off to work. What’s more important if you frequently work instead of socialize? Do you think a charming person values work over his or her friends?

Be Ambitious

If you have some direction in your life and goals regarding where you see yourself in 10 years – even if your goal is purchasing a home, helping the homeless in your city get off the street, or getting a raise at your job – show something. Coming across as completely clueless with no goals or desires for your future means you’re not looking good.

For more tips with what you can do physically to improve your charm, a few key body language ideas follow.

Stand with Good Posture

An upright posture with your spine straight, your shoulders back and your chin up (not up the behind of the person you’re impressing, but not down at your chest, either) gived the added impression of self-confidence. Many people avoid standing this way because they feel uncomfortable or over powered, but over time standing with good posture will feel more natural and you will look better.

Relax Your Facial Muscles

As you’re reading this, your brow is likely to be a little furrowed, eyes squinted, and lips pursed. Maybe not all of these points, but some, right? Why are you doing this? Can you see the monitor just fine? Probably. Chances are you do some of these things when you’re out in public as well.

Tension is unconscious, but relaxation is conscious. A relaxed look helps you come across as pleasant and calm. Relax the muscles on your face to the point where you cannot detect tension. You may even want to make this a routine just before you enter a room to socialize.

Smile with Your Teeth

A smile that shows teeth is more appealing and more attractive than a smile with lips together. The later isn’t as natural and charming. Even if you don’t like your teeth, research proves showing them when you smile gives off more authenticity. It also helps show you’re enjoying yourself, which is a charming trait. Look your best and you’ll act your best. Your best is most charming.

Dress Comfortably

You may have worn an outfit that was “hot” or “appealing” or “fashionable,” but didn’t feel completely “yourself” in it. You feel wrong wearing something that isn’t you. You spend time adjusting, looking in the mirror and worrying you look ridiculous. It distracts too much of your brain.

The principle is this: get comfortable in what you wear or don’t wear it. Don’t go out of your way to wear something just because you heard it appeals to someone of the opposite sex. You’ll look more like a weirdo tugging at your outfit the whole night than if you wore your trustworthy outfit that hasn’t failed for years.

Authentic Charm

If you have yet to notice, charm is the art of having a good personality. And a “good personality” in this context is how good you are with people. Again, charm is good people skills.

Good looks is a part of charm, but even that forms your first impression with people so it relates to people skills. If you look good and you know it (and not in a cocky way), it will come through in your personality and you’re more likely to act your most “charming.”

Know who you are and be that person. If you’re trying to be the “smooth talker” and the next minute you’re the “jokester” and the next minute you’re the “quiet, flirty girl,” no one is going to buy it. Chances are, you’re a mix of all of those things. If you’re feeling shy, it will show. If you’re feeling flirty, it will show. I’m quite and flirty and work with that.

No matter what you do or no matter how hard you “try” to be charming, you’ll probably think someone is doing a better job than you, looks better than you, or seems to ease into conversation better than you. Don’t worry over another person’s antics. Let them be them and you be you. Comparing yourself to others devours too much energy better spent on talking and listening to an awesome person and charming their face off. Focus on doing that instead of mental mutilation.

Self-consciousness only hurts your ability to build friends. A charming person, after all, knows one’s charm is held in the eye of another man or woman.

(For hundreds more tips to help you make conversation, win friends, and get people thinking how great you are, check out the Big Talk Training Course.)

Over the past year I’ve collected some great resources on social skills I’d like to share with you now. Some are from friends of mine, myself, and just others who’ve given good insight into a topic.

From improving your social skills, overcoming anxiety, and starting a conversation, all the way to ongoing conversation, being charismatic, and making people laugh, here are some great resources I recommend you read even if they take you a while to get through (each of these great resources will open in a new window so you keep track of this page):

1. How to Improve Your Social Skills: 8 Tips from the Last 2500 Years

Henrik Edberg has some good social skills insight to share. A lot of what he discusses builds on from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Read some of his other posts on communication and socializing if you have the time.

2. 25 Ways to Relieve Anxiety

I mostly teach people how to deal with their past, rework their mind, and get into the present to overcome social anxiety, but this post has some good alternatives to deal with anxiety disorders. Read it if you’re shy and struggle talking to strangers. It’s unlikely to cure your social anxiety though it will help make you more comfortable in social situations.

3. 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

If you’re shy, read this post to discover three areas you fail in that make you shy, common behaviors you’re doing that encourage you to remain in your shell, and get 20 effective techniques to help overcome your shyness. The techniques are solid and have my recommendation in helping you become more social.

4. 101 Conversation Starters People Love

A goldmine from none other than yours truly. You get everything needed to start a conversation with anyone.

5. 40 Ways to Make a Great First Impression

Stay-tuned for this one in a month or so lined up for TowerOfPower.com.au. Read it first by subscribing to my eNewsletter here. I’ll let you know when it’s complete.

6. 7 Hacks to Remember Any Name

End the embarrassment of forgetting someone’s name by using seven neat mind-tricks. Charismatic persons like Richard Branson are masters at remembering people’s names. You may not become a billionaire by knowing John is John, yet people will feel special, you won’t feel awkward, and your relationships will be richer.

7. 3 Quick Ways to Never Let Your Conversation Run Out

There’s a lot of garbage advice out there on how to keep a conversation going. Most people just don’t know what they do to continually talk to anyone. You’ll want to read this short article by a guy called Schmidty to help you keep talking to people.

8. 10 Tips: How to Be Funny

Onto some cool skills now that make you a better socializer. Even if you’re a serious type of person, you can lighten and learn how to be funny. Your ability to make people laugh will win you many friends, business deals, and glances from the opposite sex that make you glee in delight.

9. 50 Body Language Secrets You Need to Succeed In Life

Though the start of the article mentions a major communication myth, you get 50 great little tricks to improve your often overlooked nonverbal communication. You can say all the right things when socializing, yet ignore your nonverbal communication and you may look like a weirdo. Get your body language down pat to be cool.

10. 10 Ways to Instant Charisma

You’ll notice this post on charisma summarizes points in other resources mentioned here. Read it if you want to become more likable and win the respect of people you don’t yet know.

11. Tips on Effective Listening

Listening is another topic of many where many “self-help experts” give ordinary advice like “maintain eye contact” and “repeat the person’s words”. There’s more to socializing, rapport, and friendship than the surface aspects of communication. Written by a therapist, this article on effective listening will have you more deeply connecting to people. Listening most times is at least 50% of a conversation so make sure you master this skill if you want to be popular and make cool friends.

12. Presence in Relationships

You might be surprised to see something about presence here. Someone “present” is in the Now. They are fully absorbed in the present moment. Presence is a secret skill in Big Talk. When you’re present in conversations, you’re free from anxiety and you deeply connect to people. You get the feeling of being in the zone as time and worry banishes.

13. How to Make Friends and Get a Social Life

Author Chris use to be a shy, awkward loser. I can call him that because I used to be as well and I’m linking to his article! If you’re not good at making friends and have a social life of stalking others on Facebook, you’ll get a lot of practical tips and theories in this useful resource.

14. How to Network with Busy People

I’ll finish this resource section off with a topic that is secret to success and dominating life. This 12-part series written by Steve Pavlina, who is possibly the leading self-help blogger on the internet, shows how to get in contact and build relationships with hard to reach people. Become a successful networker and life becomes easy because you have resourceful and trustworthy connections.

I hope you enjoyed these social skills resources. Make sure you follow me on Twitter and like Tower of Power on Facebook for more great resources, books, and lessons to build friends and influence people.

Have some really great resources on social skills to share with me and other ToP readers? Share them below!

The 101 great conversation openers are simple, yet don’t be fooled. They’re effective. The most important thing to keep in mind when using any conversation starter is they aim to start the conversation. “Ice-breakers” break the ice; they don’t heat up the planet and make mother nature flourish.

Conversational openers are not intended to make people laugh or get people to like you. Guys, you can make a woman think you’re a primal beast to be captured in the later stages of a conversation. Attempts to impress people with your first words makes you nervous, discouraging you to start conversations. It also makes you look like a try hard in need of approval.

What Makes a Great Conversation Starter?

The best conversation starters are situation-specific. Most openers given by dating experts, communication trainers, and bloggers are limiting because there’s very little chance they’d work in your situation. Try asking someone, “Have you ever been snorkeling?” or “Who’s your favorite TV attorney?” and the conversation may end as soon as it began (unless you’re in a diving class or in court…)

While generic openers and stock material can be used in most situations, use proven formulas like opinion openers to construct your own ice-breakers for situations you find yourself in throughout the week.

Here’s an exercise to help you develop excellent openers. Think of the top three situations you find yourself in like a coffee shop, supermarket, or place at work. Now think of 10 things to say in each situation.

Having done that, you already have 30 amazing conversation starters. Do that exercise to always know what to say to anyone. I encourage you to go over the massive list of openers revealed in this article applying the simple exercise you just did.

Alright, before we get started… most of the 101 starters you’d say “Hey” or “Hi” as your first words. I’ve let them out because it’d be redundant. Lastly, keep in mind some openers placed under one category like “Funny Conversation Starters” can be used in situations filed under other categories like “Conversation Starters for Guys with Girls”.

Let’s get talking and working through this gigantic list of ways to start a conversation based off my Big Talk Training Course. We’ll start off basic because that’s all you need in many situations:

Conversation Starters Anyone can Use in Any Situation

1. “I’m [your first name].” Most people reciprocate an exchange of information. Give them your name, they’ll give you theirs.
2. “How are ya doing right now?” “How’s ya day been so far?” Slightly vary the question, “How are you?” No one answers that trite question or gives it any thought.
3. “How’s your [the day of the week] been?” “What’s happened for you today?” “How was your trip?” “How’d you sleep last night?” We’re happy to talk about simple events when they’ve recently occurred.
4. “Hey.” Smile then walk away. Repeat each time and build to a casual conversation. Say it in an environment like a gym when you meet someone over and over. Eventually you’ll feel like friends and have something good to talk about. When you have something else to say, have the confidence to say it.
5. “What do you think of that book?” “Looks like a great drink. What is it?” “I love this place because it’s got great energy.” These examples are situational openers – the most common type of conversation starter. Simply comment on your surroundings.
6. “Where are you from?” This is best if you think the person is not from the area or the location is something like a seminar, convention, or university where people from diverse towns come together.
7. “I like your posture. It makes you stand out nicely.” “Nice shirt. Where did you get it?” “I love your style!” These examples are compliment openers.
8. “It’s so hot today.” “The great sun is burning this afternoon.” “It’s freezing! Do you know the temperature?” Talk about the weather. “Don’t knock the weather,” said American cartoonist Kin Hubbard, “nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.”
9. “I don’t know anyone around here so I thought I’d come talk to you.” “I’m a little nervous talking with strangers, but I just had to come say hi.” “I know no one here so I thought I’d introduce myself to you.” These examples are what I call the “vulnerable introduction”. Make your opener a disclosure of what’s filling your body with anxiety and you’ll endear people.
10. “I’m out meeting new, interesting people tonight. Mind if we chat for a minute?” “You guys look like you’re having fun. That’s so cool that I just had to come talk to you.” “I had to come talk to you because your shirt made me laugh.” Reveal your reason for approaching the person or group.
11. “What about the game last night!” “Yankees aren’t doing so well this season.” “You’re flowers are looking lovely.” Talk about something you know the person is interested in.
12. “I was just listening to radio on my way here and can’t believe what happened in Africa.” Study the news before an event to learn what’s hot.
13. “Normally people start a conversation by talking about what’s in the news, but I haven’t been paying any attention. What’s been going on? Is the President dead?” If you’re like me and never consume the daily news (it’s mental pollution from corporations wanting views or readership), ask about the news. Use humor whenever possible to release tension.
14. “I believe we saw each other at James’ party.” “I think we ran into each other at the trade event last month.” “Did we meet last year at Church?” Start by talking about previous brief interactions.
15. “How’s your Christmas preparations going?” “How’d the New Year go for you?” “Spring Break has been crazy. What’s happened to you at Spring Break so far?” Talk about holiday preparations, experiences, and fun times. The person is guaranteed to do something for holidays like Christmas making it a good opener.
16. Wear a big talk people-magnet. As described in my Big Talk book, big talk people-magnets are items people will approach you to talk about. Such items include earrings, jewelery, tattoos, an unusual hair cut or color, a pinned item on your shirt or top, or a slogan t-shirt. People want to talk to you so help put words in their mouth.

Cold-Read Conversation Starters to Use on Anyone

17. “You look like a [teacher/fashion designer/entrepreneur/some noble profession].” The person feels appreciated and always asks why.
18. “You seem like a [kind/hard working/problem solving/positive personality trait] person. I like that.” The compliment makes them feel great and leads you to talk about others without such a qualities.
19. “You look like a [outgoing/talkative/friendly/people-magnetic trait] person. I’ll talk to you!”
20. “I’m curious. Would your friends say you’re an [outgoing/understanding/open/positive personality trait] person?”
21. “I like your [necklace/shirt/hair/personal trait or item]. I bet that says a lot about your personality.” No one hates a compliment and someone interested in one’s personality.
22. “You guys know each from work?” “You guys look like you’ve been friends since school.” “You guys spending the night out together?” This one is good for groups. Predict their relationship with one another.
23. “I’m practicing a new skill called ‘cold-reading’ on people I don’t yet know. Let me quickly try it on you. It’ll be fun.” Confidently assert you’ll cold-read; don’t ask for permission.

Grab my free magical conversation starter for more great advice on coming up with your own cold-reads in conversation to instantly make people like you.

Conversation Starters for Guys with Girls

24. “I need a girl’s opinion about something I was just discussing with a friend who broke up with his girlfriend. He made out with another woman straight after his relationship break up. Is he a jerk?” Get a female opinion.
25. “I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.” “You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!” “Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?” Tease cheesy pick-up lines. Make sure you say the pick-up line in a joking manner.
26. “Who lies more: men or women?” “Is it wrong to break up with a text message?” Ask a controversial question to a group of women then watch their eyes open wide and hear the chatter break out.
27. “I want a woman’s perspective on this. I was just talking a friend who had broken up
    and his girlfriend keeps calling. Why does she do it?” Ask a question about someone’s relationship. Women love to share their opinion on relationships.
28. “You caught my attention because you’re cute so I had to come talk to you.”
29. “Nice boots. Do you have your horse parked outside?” “Nice shoes. They look comfortable.” “Nice top. My grandma has one.” Say it playfully. Lightly tease the woman about something she’ll giggle over. Be prepared for banter.
30. “Can I help you?” Ask this in a shop. Playfully pretend to be an employee.
31. “Are you friendly?” Say it with a suspicious look. “Good, I’ll talk to you.” No women will say no.

Conversation Starters for Girls with Guys

32. “I need a guy’s opinion on something that just happened with a friend. Would you read your girlfriend’s email if you thought she was cheating on you?” Get a male opinion.
33. “Where can I find a good coffee shop around here?” “I need help rubbing sunscreen on my back. I’m unfortunately not double-jointed. Can you help put it on?” “What’s a great country to visit?” Ask for his help. Guys love to give advice (as if you didn’t know that.)
34. “I’ll do a trade with you. You give me that burger and I’ll give you this awful coffee.” Make a playful trade. You can make up anything based on something each of you have at the time.
35. “Can you take a photo for me to send a friend?” Get him to join in the photo.
36. “Can you reserve my seat for me?” “Can you look after these books until I get back?” Ask him to watch something for you – just don’t leave your bag behind for him. You’re opening a conversation for your return, not putting the country at threat or testing if he’d make an honest husband.
37. “Nice [shoes/shirt/bag/material item]. I’ve been thinking of getting one for a friend. Where can I get one?” Question something you complimented.
38. “Oh! Sorry for bumping into you.” “Oh no! I’m sorry for spilling my drink on you.” The accident opener isn’t the best – you may have to spill a drink on the guy three times for him to pick up your interest in starting a conversation. Some women even burn men with cigarettes! Create an accident if you’re absolutely lost for words, but be careful you don’t do damage.
39. “You should come talk to me.” Walk away without giving him a chance to respond.
40. Shoo away your friends for a moment to be alone. Many guys talk to women in bars and clubs when the woman’s friends get a drink or go to toilet – it’s the guy’s chance to attack the lonely gazelle.

Conversation Starters for Families or Friends

41. “Where’s [Uncle Terry/New York crew/missing family or friend] today?”
42. “Are you going to Jim’s wedding?” “Weddings, births, birthdays are all memorable events families and friends can talk about. Divorces are memorable, but depressing.
43. “How have you been this past year?” “Great to see you. What’s changed in your life since the last time we met?” (recall the last time you met to get bonus points). Catch up on the person’s life – my favorite opener to use with family and friends.
44. Bring up a memorable moment or anecdote your family or friends remember like a funny story, an embarrassing mishap, or a trip everyone enjoyed. This starter initiates multiple conversations about similar moments.
45. “What do you have planned for the weekend?” “What’s happening for you Friday?” “What’s on your calendar this week?”
46. “What’s one thing you’re really thankful for?”
47. “Tell me a little known fact about you.” “What’s something I don’t know about you that you think I should know? Like, are you a stalker?” “What’s one thing I probably don’t know about you?”

Conversation Starters for Couples

Most of these are useful when the couple are already in dialog:

48. “What do you most admire about our [family/home/relationship/something with positive qualities]?”
49. “What’s one thing you’ve wanted to tell me, but haven’t?”
50. “I like how you smile when I come home from work.” Compliments replenish the energy in relationships often drained from criticism and lead to great conversations.
51. “In your dream house, what one room must you have?”
52. “What’s a memory between us that stands out for you?”
53. “What does this [flower/meal/atmosphere/something in the environment] remind you of?” Make sure the object you’re commenting on has history in your relationship.
54. “What three values do you most want our children to carry on throughout life?” “What principles do you want our children to live by?” “How do you want our children to best live life?”
55. “If you happen to leave Earth before I do, how would you like me to remember you?” You’ll discover the ideal image of your partner, which you can use to increase understanding and intimacy.

First Date Conversation Starters

56. “How am I doing so far?” Say it sarcastically once the date starts (you’re making fun of someone needy.)
57. “What’s the one defining moment of your life so far?”
58. “What’s one thing you most want to do?” Gather information for a later date to blow their mind away.
59. “What three words best describe you?”
60. “What’s something your friends don’t even know about you?”
61. “What’s the baddest thing you’ve done before?”
62. “What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?”
63. Talk about a funny, embarrassing moment you had with a member of the opposite sex to ease any tension.

Please don’t make the first date or any conversation a needy interview. Question sparingly.

Party Conversation Starters

64. “Do you know [the host's name]?” If they don’t, it doesn’t matter. You’re finding out how they fit into the party, an easy ice-breaker allowing for more conversation about the party and its people.
65. “What’d you get up to earlier today?”
66. “I love this party. People are just having fun. Are you having fun?” “This is an awesome night. How’s your night been?” “The people here are great and add to the fun. Having fun here?” You get the idea.
67. “You better win. I’ve got a bet going with a friend.” Apply this to a game of pool, darts, drinking competition – whatever game you’re bound to see at a party. If the person loses or wins, you’ve got good call-back humor to bring repeat laughs for the rest of the night: “You’re doing well tonight”, “I think you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning”, “I’m going to invest my house on you winning a poker tournament. Then you can win and we’ll go retire in Las Vegas and blow all our money.”
68. “I’m trying to settle a bet with a friend. How many oceans are there in the world?” Mention the bet then ask any piece of trivia.
69. “Can you help me opening this bottle?” Just make sure it isn’t a plastic screw lid on a soft-drink bottle. If you game like a ditsy blonde, cool by me.
70. If you’re hosting a party, get a conversation starter kit with questions on cards to break the ice. Table Topics are a company that make such cards for many occasions like parties, teens, couples, and the dinner table. You can by them here.

Conversation Starters at the Gym

Most people (who are serious about working out) don’t like to talk at the gym. Use the following openers to keep your chat short, leaving your conversation partner feeling respected:

71. “You look like you know what you’re doing. What’s a good exercise to target my lower abs?”
72. “Can you spot me?”
73. “How’s your workout going?” This is good to ask at the watercooler or when both of you are resting between sets.
74. “Can you check my form for this set and give me any feedback?”
75. If you’re female, ask a guy for help moving heavy weights. Let him catch your eye on his arms. He’ll love it. Every gym-going guy wants to flaunt his strength to women. Call it a primal mating dance to display his fitness for survival if you wish.

Funny Conversation Starters

76. “What was the best thing before sliced bread?” “In an emergency, why do you have to break glass to get a hammer to break glass?” “Can crop circles be square?” Pick a few stock ironic questions to ask anyone. Ask a question with a clueless, serious look then switch your body language over to “I’m playing around”.
77. “You know what they say about people who [run in the morning/drink espressos/talk to themselves/anything the person is doing]?” They’ll say, “No. What?” Giggle and leave the mystery open or say, “Nothing. I’m just messing with ya.”
78. “Why shouldn’t you take a Pokemon into the bathroom? He might Pikachu.” Tell a simple joke. Few people tell a joke to someone they don’t know – it’s never happened to me.
79. “What’s your biggest pet peeve?” People will usually giggle over their pet peeves because we know how silly little annoyances can be.
80. “My mum said I shouldn’t talk to strangers, but you don’t look scary.” “My grandmother said I shouldn’t talk to strangers, but you don’t look like you’d kidnap me.” People with a sense of humor will usually role play being scary or a kidnapper after such a playful opener.
81. “Look at that fighting couple. I’ve never seen so much love before.” This comedic technique is exaggeration. Observe something then exaggerate it too a humorous level.
82. Tell a funny story that relates to the situation.

Deep, Meaningful Conversation Starters

83. “When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?” This question allows both of you to reflect on childhood hopes and dreams.
84. “Are you a person who does their duty or forges their own path?”
85. “I’ve been asking a few people this and want your opinion because you seem like an intelligent person: is it more important to be understood or loved?”
86. “What do you like about this [music/event/holiday/almost anything].” Exploring people’s opinions instead of talking about objective facts makes the conversation personal.
87. “How does this [music/event/holiday/almost anything] make you feel?” Inquire the person about the affect something has on him or her.
88. “What were the highs and lows of your day, today?” Don’t ask unless you really want to know.
89. “What’s something you regret?” “What one thing would you change in your life at the moment?” “If you could go back in time, what one thing would you change?”
90. “What gives you the greatest joy in life?” “What makes you the happiest?” “If you’re about to die, what do you need to have done to be fulfilled?”

The effectiveness of these openers like many others depend on who you chat with. Asking a teenager, “Are you a person who does their duty or forges their own path?” may leave him or her thinking you’re a weirdo.

There’s more to selecting the right topic for a meaningful conversation, however. In fact, what you talk about has little to do with a deep conversation. A meaningful conversation is about connection. If you want to forge a deep connection with others, grab my Big Talk book.

Conversation Starters that Get People Talking

While most starters up to this point have been openers (your first few words), the following are good sticks to stir up a conversational fire. Think of them as “conversation starters that keep the conversation going”.

If any seem awkward, it’s a matter of bridging them to the relevant topic. Preface the following statements or questions with something to avoid looking like you have conversational ADD:

91. “What’s hot in your life at the moment?” Hear about the big event in the person’s life.
92. “What hobbies are taking up your time?” Much more interesting than talking about work again.
93. “What do you for fun?”
94. “What have you been doing in your time off recently?”
95. “What’s the first thing you notice about a person?” “In your opinion, what makes a good first impression?” “Jill has such a great personality. I wonder why.” Talk about what relates to building friends and influencing people. Ask interesting questions most people haven’t answered before.
96. “What countries have you been to?” People love to travel. If they haven’t been overseas, ask, “Where would you like to go?”
97. “If you wrote a book, what would it be about?” “What would you do if [he/the US President/Angelina Jolie/a known person] showed up right now?” “I wonder what your DJ name would be?” Make up an endless array of hypothetical scenarios.
98. “Have you ever [been to Australia/seen a monkey acting human/something unusually interesting]?” One off experiences start a good conversation.
99. “What’s the last thing you purchased online?” Online purchases aren’t a social experience so they can make an interesting conversation.
100. “What movies have you seen lately?” “What’s on your music playlist at the moment?” “Watched any good shows or DVDs recently?” “What book are you currently reading?”
101. “Last time we talked, you were… What happened?” “How’s your new job coming along?” “Who won the game of golf you said you had last time we talked?” Recall something from a past conversation or your current conversation.

Phew! I hope you enjoyed this whopper of a list. Never again can you excuse yourself from approaching people.

If these conversation starters fail to elicit much information from the person to get the conversation going, answer your own question and talk about yourself. The “rapid big talk model” I developed states that self-disclosure regulates the speed and degree two persons know each other. If you want someone to answer in-depth the question, “What hobbies are taking up your time?” describe your hobby for a few minutes.

You now have plenty of material to start a conversation with anyone anywhere. For more advanced conversation starters and proven formulas to keep a conversation going, check out my Big Talk Training Course. It’s the ultimate one-of-a-kind course to overcome shyness, stop being a loner, and always know what to say to make friends with anyone.

May you enjoy meeting new, interesting people!

Self-help is the act of improving yourself without reliance on others. It extends beyond motivation books and popular psychology to include other ways humans communicate. There’s forums, everyday conversations, seminars, webinars, and books.

The term “self-help junkie” was coined to describe someone who attends seminars and buys many books, DVDs, and CDs on the subject. Junkies fuel the $8 billion dollar industry in America alone.

Self-help addicts are sometimes like heroin addicts jumping between experts wanting their next fix. The educational sources become a source of comfort and security to avoid what really is going on as they intellectualize lessons and never build the learning only possible from action. This article reveals the harsh reality about this dangerous industry that some gurus wish you didn’t know.

The Two Dangers of Self-Help

Pennsylvania clinical psychologist Dr John Norcross says self-help can damage you in two ways. Both are costly, time-consuming, and energy-depleting.

The first general danger of self-help is the direct harm, which includes a misdiagnosis or ignorance of a declining condition. Think of it like a well-intended mother issuing aspirin to remove a headache when the cause is cancer. The dangers are real except with personal development the issues are not physical, but often mental and emotional. Selection of the right helpful material is tricky. A wrong decision can leave you worse off.

There’s a lot going in your mind and body unknown to you. You can know your body is sick because you have a headache and feel weak, but you could have one of hundreds of potential health problems originating from poor eating, harmful drinking, disease, and so forth. Similarly, we are unaware of the hidden operations in the mind. It takes a humble attitude of acceptance to respect a lack of mental and emotional control over your life.

The second general danger of self-help according to Dr Norcross is the indirect harm. You exhaust your physical, mental, and emotional efforts on something unsuccessful so you beat yourself up over an inability to change. Once you believe you cannot change, rarely do you change.

Think of self-help like a Do-It-Yourself job at home. You can probably do good landscaping, fix doors, place flooring, and paint. Books, television shows, and a few friends provide you with good advice. However, you wouldn’t remove the home’s foundations, redesign its shape, or relocate it by yourself. Attempts to solve unknown problems or create something entirely new leaves you frustrated believing it cannot be done. People try to redo their minds from the ground up then unfortunately fall short of what they want and believe failure is destiny.

I’ll further expand on these two general dangers in this article. Please note that I am not against self-help. I love it. I teach it! It empowers you to improve your relationships, move ahead in your career, make friends, and enjoy life more. Self-help teaches you to create your reality instead of feeling what is will always be. What you need to get the most from personal development is an awareness of the dangers and myths in self-help shared to you in this article; otherwise you risk wasting time, money, and effort – and ultimately believe something is inherently wrong with you.

Thoughts are Everything, the Truth About Emotions, and How Self-Help Almost Killed Me

The empowerment given through self-help usually originates from improving how you think. The motto is “think better, live better”.

Thoughts are powerful, yet they are not everything contrary to what is preached by advocates of the law of attraction. To think your universe can form from thoughts alone is absurd.

An overt focus on thoughts ignores the side therapists attend to: emotions. Our thoughts influence our emotions and vice-a-versa, yet the influence is limited. You cannot think your way to emotional healing. After all, thoughts and rationalizations are “safe”. It’s easy to intellectually process your problems and talk about them with complete emotional disconnect when you’re afraid of vulnerability and revealing your real self.

I’ll prove how intellectualizing and thinking stops emotional wealth. Dr Steven Hayes, founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), who I had the pleasure to work with for Big Talkers, has a nice technique I’ll share below. Give the label of “good” or “bad” to the follow emotions:

• Happiness
• Anger
• Guilt
• Joy
• Sadness
• Shame

Done? I’m guessing you labeled happiness and joy as “good” and anger, guilt, sadness, and shame as “bad”. Take a look at this, however. What if your mother died. Is sadness bad? What if you punched your child. Is guilt bad? When you put this into perspective, the thoughts you attach to “negative emotions” shifts.

How do you respond when something is bad? You avoid bad things because they represent pain. If you believe anger is bad, you avoid your anger, feel resentful, misunderstand people, and struggle to manage conflict. If you believe embarrassment is bad, you avoid embarrassing situations and never build the confident social life you want. You spend your life running from what you don’t want.

I almost killed myself because of emotional avoidance (as I share in this video that you MUST watch). I lived in depression trying to avoid things like anger, shame, and embarrassment because these were “bad feelings”. Not letting feelings flow and trying to manipulate them increased their strength.

Dr Hayes says we have a dangerous habit of problem solving with our mind. You need to stop critiquing the experiences in you and just let them flow. Observe them as they occur to you instead of worrying and trying to fix them. This is groundbreaking material I won’t go into further detail because it’s all covered in my Big Talk Training Course and Big Talkers, which I highly recommend you get if this article resonates with you.

Some self-help teachers encourage emotional expression. Students may practice poor expressions of anger and assertiveness, however, then kill themselves like Sydney resident Rebekah Lawrence. This is an extreme case, yet I want you to value the messages sent by your emotions and acknowledge thoughts are not everything.

Positive Thinking

Feeling down or thinking negatively? This self-help CD will cheer you up, but not in the way its creators intended.

Positive thinking is taught everywhere. Every mental health professional I’ve heard recommends positive thinking. I teach it as well. For example, in my Big Talk course I teach people when approaching others for conversation to assume friendship. This reduces anxiety, creates attractive body language, and makes talking easy. Positive thinking helps you better interact with people and them interact with you.

The danger with positive thinking that I see in many “pseudo-spiritual aka law of attraction” teachings is they take positive thinking beyond what psychologists believe is healthy. Dr Norcross says flamboyant claims are made.

Cancer, rape, and poor-wealth do not consistently originate from misaligned thoughts. Victims are made to feel they squandered their mind. They are blamed for environmental influences. Self-blame is unnecessary contrary to what self-help teaches because it perpetuates resistance and shame.

Your entire life is not a product of your thinking. With excessive positive thinking you risk building a life that excludes reality. You may go to exorbitant lengths to avoid a problem by looking for the easy way out. Positiveness becomes escapism.

Your comfort zone can stagnate along with the quality of your life through avoidance. Carl Jung says your dark-side (what you want to avoid) – not the light-side you probably love to focus on – contains the gold you seek. I look back on my life and see that the areas where I have taken a step of courage to breach my comfort zone, I have transformed. Look at your life and you will see the moments you acted in the face of fear created the greatest results. That is the core of transforming your social life with Big Talk and my coaching.

Self-Discipline Myth

Along similar lines as the exaggerated power of thoughts is the undue emphasis on self-discipline. Self-control and courage is important to help you confront what you prefer to avoid because it pushes you outside your comfort zone. However, it depends on the definition of discipline.

Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled says, “With total discipline we can solve all problems.” The more I think about the statement, the more I see its truth. Again, though, it depends on what is meant by “discipline”.

When self-discipline is understood as willpower, self-discipline is overrated – even dangerous. I’ve heard many people express discouragement over their lack of discipline when it’s understood as willpower. They think something is wrong with themselves because they cannot change a habit like wake up early or quit smoking. Eventually they believe change is impossible because they have insufficient “discipline”. We’re made to feel as low-value humans for our innate habitual patterns.

Humans are autonomous creatures, not creatures of willpower. Studies prove 90% or more of your behavior is habitual. We think we’re in conscious control of our lives, but we have behavioral and thought patterns repeating day-after-day. Your patterns simply vary in order.

This isn’t to say habits are permanent, yet to change they require focused effort and systems to assist change. How you use your limited willpower determines if you alter unwanted autonomy, remove a bad habit, and create the life you want.

Most people, unfortunately, waste their limited willpower on resisting people, thoughts, and feelings. Big Talk readers know the importance of acceptance in acknowledging the reality of a problem. Acceptance means you humbly acknowledge your limited willpower, the degree you influence the problem, and the time it takes to stop what you don’t want and get what you do want.

What’s Really Going On?

Can you see the pattern of problems in most self-help? Thoughts are not everything, emotions are overlooked, positive thinking is taken too far, and self-discipline is overrated. There is a sinister amount of focus on intellectualizing, which drives the typical self-help junkie. Any self-help junkie will tell you they have a problem with “using what they know”.

Change can feel impossible by yourself. Years go by as you become a self-help junkie and question whether your dreams can become a reality. It’s okay to seek assistance from a therapist, counselor, or expert in your problematic area. Someone cannot drive you to change, but you cannot change without a drive to change.

How then do thousands of people around the globe change their life? Ad Bergsma in the Journal of Happiness Studies questioned whether self-help books help. Bergsma says hope is often what makes self-improvement programs effective. The downside of hope is it leaves you vulnerable to exaggerated claims and an empty wallet.

This post is not intended to degrade anyone in particular or self-help. Many authors and bloggers do their best to help, yet intention is not all that’s needed to affect change.

Naming all self-help books bad or good is like saying all team leaders are bad or good. It’s stupidly narrow-minded. Great materials exist. You can work on yourself with great results.

Personal development is the key behind my continuing growth. Self-help is just one part of it. I encourage it to be yours as well. Be wise in your choices and be aware of the self-help dangers shared in this article.

I feel my subscribers and website visitors need an awareness of this reality. If you’ve read this to feel better about yourself, that wasn’t my intent. Be honest about what you are avoiding. See the little control you have over your autonomous behavior. Invest in courses for your personal growth. Accepting these lessons could be your first-step towards change – and yes, I am giving you hope.

I shook my head as I sat on my computer at home, sipping a coffee. I felt sorry for him, but he didn’t need work – he needed a radical shift in reality with a series of self-probing questions, tips, skills, and advice to nail his desired job.

Whether you’re going for a retail, nursing, accounting, teacher, or government interview full-time or part-time over the phone, online, or in person, the following advice will help you ace any interview to get the job of your dreams.

Unemployment and Job-Misery Begins Before Interview Preparation

I could catapult many job interview tips at you because I’m a conversation skills coach and company owner, but I won’t because that’s not what you need. What will help you the most in getting the job you want is looking at how you approach job hunting and your interviews.

If you go into an interview wanting the job to solve your money worries – to help your life – you won’t get the job. Few employers hire out of pity. They suffer from their own problems and want to pay you to alleviate these dilemmas.

The guy at the start of this article who wanted a job didn’t care about me. He didn’t want to add value to my customers. He didn’t think about how he can increase my sales. He didn’t care about broken website code, business partnerships to be made, or traffic to be attracted. He didn’t want to relive my itches. He was focused on himself.

Most self-absorbed communication harms you. You don’t make friends by bragging about yourself, listing your accomplishments, and ignoring another’s needs. Job seekers, unfortunately, do exactly this at interviews. Narcissistic-like individuals talk about themselves, their skills, their past, and why they want the job.

The first and most important leap to take to nail the job interview you want or move ahead in your career is to solve the employer’s problems. Talk about your skills, past, and why you want the job by relating it to the employer’s wants and needs. Without that relation, your abilities are open to misinterpretation and ignorance. Forget your needs for the moment – once you provide value to others, they become determined to reciprocate your efforts and keep you.

Empathize with the interviewer by placing yourself in his or her shoes. Constantly ask yourself, “What is their need at the moment?” If you can answer this question in any communication, you’re in the top five percent of communicators in the world.

No one cares about your bachelor degree or your intelligence. It’s what your degree or intelligence does that gets you hired.

I speak for many companies by saying that what’s on paper gets you hired, but what happens between you and people gets you fired. Poor human resource managers deny or accept a job candidate merely on experiences and qualities (what’s seen on a resume), while great HR managers go beyond shallow resumes and cognitive tests and really see if the candidate is a determined winner. I recommend you get Topgrading, which was written for company owners, because it helps craft you into an A-player companies want.

Good Communication, Great Person

In a fierce economy, today is more important than ever to master your communication skills. We will always need to talk, listen, and connect with one another.

Start developing your communication right now in everyday life. How you socialize shows in how you interact with customers and coworkers. I have a saying, “How you do something is how you do anything.”

Skills you think take time to see are apparent to good interviewers. Seemingly minor signals of unconscious skill show in your body language. If you’re not immediately friendly to strangers in everyday life, you won’t immediately befriend the interviewer who will then project that feeling into the future and assume you cannot quickly befriend customers.

The most attractive employees are good communicators and good communicators develop themselves in their own time. This is something I’ve never heard anywhere else that I believe makes or breaks critical moments in a career. Attractive skills, such as your honesty in being unable to answer a question or your calmness when someone is agitated, must be developed outside of the workplace. Unemployment and job-misery begins before the interview.

Little-Known Conversation Techniques to Seduce the Interviewer and Get the Job

All principles of good conversation apply to the interview (from the introduction, small talk, humor, self-disclosure, interest, and open body language). Any time you feel lost or confused, think what an enjoyable conversation entails. After all, interviews are a conversation between the candidate and interviewer.

Start by standing and introducing yourself to the interviewer instead of waiting for an introduction. Lean forward to give a solid, slow web-to-web handshake.

Next, initiate conversation. Talk about the person’s lovely office, a plant, or photo. Drop a comment about a worker you spotted or a sign you read on your way in. The conversation builds rapport and relaxes each of you – the interviewer can be nervous as well! My Big Talk course offers a complete training on how to effortlessly talk and make friends with strangers.

Show interest in the business. Study its history before the interview. If it’s a smaller business and you’re being interviewed by its owner, be curious behind the owner’s motives for starting the business. The person will become animated and talk about the business’ foundations! He or she will walk away from your interview thinking you were a great person.

A good conversation skill that is also a way to show interest in the business is to ask questions during the interview. Walk into the interview with at least three solid questions planned, which gives you backup questions if the interviewer asks one or two before you.

Before I taught communication skills, I had a group interview for the position of a night-fill worker at a supermarket. The human resources manager running the interview talked for 10 minutes then asked, “Does anyone have any questions?” The room was silent. You could see the twinge in her lips that indicated her disappointment in our non-responsiveness.

Just before she was about to move on, I asked how she got into her managerial position because I wanted to understand to her and what it takes to be promoted. She smiled and talked for five minutes about the company’s internal way of promoting employees. I think I easily got the job because of my question and display of interest.

Good questions to ask in the interview include:

• “What happened to the previous person in this position?”
• “What results do you expect from the successful candidate’s first year?”
• “How does the company lead its teams? Like, are workers given independence to make their own decisions or is it highly determined by upper management?”
• “How would you describe the company’s culture?”
• “In your opinion, what’s the most important thing someone new to the company should know so they and the company benefit?”

There are three real subtle benefits of asking questions. Firstly, questions show curiosity and interest. Secondly, you look better than other interviewees. Most candidates are too busy talking about themselves, not curious or concerned about solving the company’s problems. Thirdly, you subtly qualify the company to match your own needs. A subtle seduction technique is to make the other party work for you. Humans value what they earn. Employers will value you more if you have job opportunities elsewhere and are a little picky over how they can fulfill your needs. How very counter-intuitive!

Once a question is answered or you learn an important point about the business, write a note for yourself even if you have good memory. The power in this technique comes from how it makes the other person feel. You’ll look well-prepared and trustworthy. It’s amazing how much your credibility increases by writing down what someone tells you.

How to Appear Confident in an Interview

Believe your words. If you don’t have confidence in yourself, others won’t have confidence in you.

One of the best ways to show others confidence is through your voice. Speak at a good volume with relaxation. A louder voice is physiological confidence that boosts your psychological confidence.

Bodily stress and tension wrecks havoc on your vocals when you try to be perfect. Shift your focus from yourself to how you fill the company’s needs like I mentioned before. You will relax, communicate confidence through your voice, and show attractive warmth.

Another technique taken from my Big Talk that I recommend to quickly boost your confidence in an interview is to think the interviewer is an old friend. You can try more absurd visualizations that reframes the person interviewing you into a strange situation. Imagine the person nervously being interviewed by another manager or lazily lounging in front of the television.

Similar to what I said before, however, the most effective way to have confidence in an interview is to work on it in every day. What goes inside the interview often reflects how you live.

Insider’s Secret to Be Comfortable and Get Hired

Go to the company beforehand and introduce yourself to a few employees saying you’re interested in working for the company. Ask the employees for their thoughts on the company, tips for the interview, recommended dress, and any insider secrets that could give you an edge. Use these people to see if the company is worth working for before you waste further time in the screening process.

Mention the names of the people you talked to in the interview. You’ll subliminally make the hiring manager feel you already work for the company!

Also compliment those you talked to. We love people who love people. How do you think the hiring manager will feel hearing about the great workforce?

When the interview ends, reward yourself regardless of the outcome. Interviews can be scary so it helps to appreciate yourself. Job interviews can be tough enough without self-criticism.

If your interview is a success and you get the job, tell the person offering the good news that you want 24 hours to think it over. The company will value you more. Anyway, you’ll probably need the time to evaluate other offers once you follow the advice in this article to ace any interview.

There’s your first barrier that stops you from figuring out what men want in women when dating and in relationships. As long as you try to figure out men through your womanly experiences and understandings, you’ll forever remain confused.

Men differ from women. Before you give me a Nobel Prize for that remarkable statement, understand that women tend to operate from their limiting beliefs in dating and relationships. They apply their reality of chemistry and connection to a man’s reality, forgetting a male’s emotional psychology is completely different to their own.

If you cook, clean, and shop for a man in hope he likes you, you’ll be ineffective at triggering attraction and other important responses men want to feel around women. You wouldn’t feel attracted to a guy who only sat around watching football drinking beer so don’t become the female equivalent.

To figure out what men want in women, put aside your preconceived notions about dating and relationships then listen. Men will also benefit from reading this article because it helps you, if you’re a guy, better understand your desires so you can build better relationships and attract quality women.

Men Want Only Sex

Too many women believe the only thing a man wants in a woman is sex. Men want so much more. Remember what I said earlier about judging from your experiences and perspective?

A man may only desire sex from you because you focus on physical qualities. When your attractiveness depends on dressing sexy for him and sexual comments, you’re seen as a friend with benefits. You invoke a caveman response from him. This satisfies some women some of the time, but you might want more.

Many men (or should I say boys?) have yet to evolve on an emotional level. They seek only physical attraction because their emotions are blocked. They don’t know how to connect at an emotional level. Imagine putting on a pair of green glasses. It doesn’t matter what colors exist, everything is seen green. A person’s lack of emotional development blinds him from that level of awareness.

As confusing as it is to women who project their own qualities onto men, physical involvement is unequal to a relationship. A man can be physically involved with a woman and want nothing more. I believe this is what forms the belief that men only want sex. The problem with this belief is it overlooks other areas of attraction men want in women. Physical attraction is simply one part of an intimate relationship.

Nearly all men ultimately want a fulfilling relationship with one woman. A guy may not want this now or in the near future, but ultimately that is what he desires. If he says otherwise, he is usually emotionally immature or yet to meet a great woman.

The Secret is Attraction

Every man wants to feel significant, important, desired, and sexy. There’s a broad array of characteristics great men want in women that lead to one experience. The secret feeling a man wants to have around you is one of attraction.

You may think of attraction as “chemistry”. It’s the energetic charge between two people that evokes an animalistic urge. When you become what men want in women, men feel attracted to you.

Attraction can be temporary, but when you understand its principles and continually refine them (by re-reading this article and purchasing books on the subject), you make attraction long-term that leads to commitment and a satisfying relationship!

You probably know a few women who seem to effortlessly pull men towards them. They easily attract men through their looks or personality. These women understand attraction, even though they probably didn’t learn it from a source like this article.

Three Types of Attraction

Men can be attracted to you in three primary areas. We crave for all three in a partner.

As I mentioned earlier, there is physical attraction. Men are turned on more than women by visuals. It’s important to dress well, get your hair beautiful, be slightly tanned, show off your figure, and exercise.

Are you not that beautiful? You can still improve it by learning from other women. You may also have an advantage over attractive women!

Beautiful women tend to identify with their looks and become insecure. Feeling insecure about your looks is a bigger turn off than looks itself. Attractive women, in general, go through life easier than less attractive women so they have yet to develop the two other areas of attraction that lead to satisfying relationships

Guys tend to want women who are attractive, but lack personality, for the short-term. You cannot have a relationship with a body part. Looks is only one piece of the attraction puzzle.

The second type of attraction is intellectual. Intellectual attraction comes from more rational, logical means controllable through words and actions. Think of the bimbo blonde who has a peanut for her brain – that’s the opposite to an intellectually attractive woman. It’s a pain to live with someone unintelligent. An attractive man wants a woman who holds a conversation with almost anyone, talks about his interests, regularly reads books, and teaches him valuable lessons.

The third type of attraction is emotional. If a guy suddenly becomes disinterested in you, a lack of emotional attraction is the problem. A real relationship fails to develop in the absence of emotional attraction. Ways to attract men emotionally involve high status behavior, teasing, playfulness, mystery, and unpredictability.

Deficiency in an area of attraction decreases a man’s interest in you. Intensify all three forms of attraction to hypnotize any man.

Since you can go elsewhere for advice to improve your physical looks, what I’ll teach you in this article on what men want in women builds your intellectual and emotional attraction to start a great relationship and keep it that way. You are discovering the secrets men wish you knew that society will not tell you.

Christian Carter begins Catch Him and Keep Him with two apparently simple questions: what is a man and how does a man differ from you as a woman? If you think about them, the answer to these questions contains the secrets to attract a man and make him committed.

Like most women reading this, you want a real man; not a childish boy. Carter says a woman can attract the wrong man for many reasons, but a major reason is she doesn’t understand the principles of attraction. Books on love and relationships can fill libraries, yet Catch Him and Keep Him covers those subjects and more by also helping women in the initial stages of a relationship when man and woman are strangers to each other. This is where I believe the book is most powerful – that and learning what it takes to keep a man interested.

What he calls “selfish love”, Carter says women fall into a form of vanity believing a man wants the same as she. He teaches women of all ages both single and in a relationship to give a man what he wants (which he often cannot verbalize) by seeking to understand than be understood through three simple steps:

1. Grounding stage
2. Understanding stage
3. Feeling stage

The reader is taken step-by-step from unattractive emotional immaturity into a woman who has her psychology and emotional life together to naturally attract men.

After this, you discover advice on how to qualify men. You learn to be the selectee instead of the selected. Carter shows women how to regain the power in a relationship, feel in control, and avoid dangerous relationships. No unattractiveness forms from this, however. Men who see a woman exude these in-control qualities view her as someone to spend time with in the future. You’re shown how to spot a player, how men want more than physical qualities, and what you must do to be seen as “relationship material”.

Rarely will you know Mr Right is seated on the other side of the room. A spiritual force is unlikely to make you feel he is the one. Such perceptual awareness requires intense judgment, leaving you vulnerable to misinterpretation and mistaking a feeling of chemistry for a great guy.

Put judgments and blame aside. Start fresh and grow. Carter makes the most important point of self-improvement to get the relationship you want and become the woman men desire. A lot of what he shares helps women develop their emotional and logical lives. To me, growth and personal development to become more than you were yesterday, instead of blame and victimization, is extremely attractive.

Coming to the seventh chapter of the ebook’s nine chapters, I think this will most interest you! Here’s a sample of what’s in the chapter:

• Thirteen personality traits that attract men
• How to naturally attract men
• The curse of physically attractive women
• Six behaviors to avoid like the plague or men will avoid you
• Body language tips and nonverbal habits that repel men
• How to trigger a deeper level of attraction in men to make a guy stick around
• Art of being unique and unpredictable (two seductive qualities that attract men)
• …and more

The ebook is designed to help you attract men even if you’re not beautiful. Men want women in the long-term who give them pleasurable feelings associated with non-physical attraction. Catch Him and Keep Him teaches the logical and emotional methods of attraction vital for happy, ongoing relationships that any woman can learn. Logical and emotional ways to attract men are key for any stage of a happy relationship.

A lesson Carter teaches that is more applicable to keeping Mr Right that I liked is to avoid criticism, having “the talk”, and divulging how you feel about a man. Such logical arguments create resistance in men to repel them fast! You cannot convince men to love and attend to you. Attraction, love, and commitment occur at a level deeper than conversation. It’s an internal decision men make in response to their feelings even if they cannot describe it that way.

One major problem that needs emphasis here in this review is that women sooner than later cannot get a man to open up. Men fail to articulate the state of the relationship and how they feel with statements like “Umm… I’m not sure” due to society, according to Carter. It becomes unmanly to express emotions. Women can learn from Catch Him and Keep Him to express their beliefs and feelings in an open, rare pressure-free way that connects to a man who reciprocates her open intimacy. Yes, we’re not rocks. I’ve seen that it is possible!

Catch Him And Keep Him is a must for any woman who is single or frustrated with her current relationship. It’s written in very easy-to-understand language any woman can use in her life. It’s the number one book I recommend to a woman who wants to attract and keep a quality man.

Sign up to Christian’s eLetter by clicking here. Once you sign up, you will be taken to a page where you can download his ebook Catch Him And Keep Him: A Woman’s Guide To Finding Mr. Right… And Keeping Him Hooked For Good!. (If you’re already signed up to his newsletter, just enter a fake name and email to continue to the next step so you can get your copy of his recommended ebook.)

To survive and thrive in the workplace, at business, and around family you must know how to deal with people who prefer to negate “negative feelings”; overlook the reality of tension, disagreement, and resentment; and put a rosy-glow on everything. Conflict is unavoidable even to those who avoid it because our differences in culture, values, needs, and perspectives make us human.

If you or others aim for conflict avoidance, it isn’t avoided or somehow solved. Problems escalate, resentment builds, and relationships die. What gets avoided is a healthy workplace, a happy family, the true depths of human beings, and reality. You must therefore learn effective ways to resolve conflict when others prefer to pretend perfection.

Why We Fear Fights, Feuds, and Fall Outs

The primary reason we avoid conflict is it’s scary. Why? By definition conflict is opposition, incompatibility, struggle. Not very sexy.

Avoidance is just one way to deal with a scary situation. Conflict creates a stressful environment that invokes primal responses of freeze, fight, fright, and flight for survival. We freeze to go undetected, fight to kill, respond with fright to intensify awareness, and take flight to live another day. Most responses in these categories lead to destructive interactions.

Your past experiences with conflict are likely the most painful moments of your life. Maybe conflict made you divorce, break up with your partner, quit work. It may even have lead to death because someone couldn’t handle a problem any longer. Is it any wonder people avoid conflict? Our hatred towards conflict is strong and real!

Conflict is often destructive, other times disruptive. Projects at work get delayed when disputes exist. A group momentarily stops enjoying a party when friends fight. A family shuts each other out for the remainder of the night after a disagreement over dinner.

The Surprising Importance of Conflict Resolution

The purpose of conflict resolution isn’t to avoid it. Conflict resolution aims to solve problems to met the needs and interests of each party to stop destruction, minimize disruption, and enhance the relationship. With this in mind, you can frame conflict in an inviting manner unlike the fear and frustration we normally associate with conflict.

“Conflict can be seen as a gift of energy,” said conflict resolution trainer and Aikido teacher Thomas Crum, “in which neither side loses and a new dance is created.” It can be a gift you love to receive. My friend and conflict mediator Gary Harper even has a great book titled The Joy of Conflict Resolution.

When you take the step of courage to resolve conflict, you enter a moment to understand another human at a deep level. Self-understanding occurs, creativity is stimulated, and relationships deepen in the face of conflict resolution.

Conflict rarely solves itself so you must be proactive about its resolution. I wish there were a way to totally avoid conflict and still get the benefits of resolution, yet there’s no such route. What you need are the following effective conflict management techniques that transform fear, fights, feuds, and fall outs into resolution when others (and sometimes yourself) avoid conflict:

1. Make it Known Problems Are Okay

Perfection shuts down workplace and family communication fast. In response, managers and parents want small talk tactics to open up communication, but that’s like trying to light up a dark sewer with a match stick.

A core part of my Big Talk Training Course helps you uncover what’s called the “shadow image” to truly open up group conversation. Once you know how to talk about the things people prefer to avoid, conversation effortlessly flows.

“Nice people” block out their dark side where the shadow image resides. They suffer with communication by not feeling anger, sadness, or fear. Resentment, frustration, and an inability to deal with conflict surfaces because they refuse to deal with what they block out. They literally avoid parts of themselves by avoiding conflict.

An effective technique to bring the shadow image into the light is to let others know mistakes, problems, disagreement, and expression are not “okay”, but needed. Mention differences, misunderstandings, and unmet needs will forever exist so it’s vital each of you talk about what you’re afraid to discuss. Tell them it’s normal to be in conflict, yet what’s rare is the healthy ability to face conflict.

You can say, “Problems, mistakes, and imperfections are good. We learn from them. They make us human. I need to know what you see and feel otherwise what affects you is ignored. Will you help each other with that?”

2. Encourage Open Communication

One way to encourage open communication is to make it known problems are okay. Other ways popular in the workplace, which can also be used with families and friends, are feedback channels.

A feedback channel I like is having a session each week or month where praise is shared and problems must be mentioned. Goals can be made where each coworker or family member must praise one thing and mention another subject that concerns him or her. Everyone is to share, listen, and avoid criticism to create a safe environment for expression.

Open communication is a good habit to practice. When an important issue rises, you are then prepared to face it and minimize conflict.

3. Observe Body Language

An effective technique to encourage open communication and face conflict when someone avoids it is to observe people’s body language. Emotions show through attitude, behavior, or expression. All three are nonverbally communicated.

Nonverbal communication doesn’t just hint at what’s going on inside a person, it is what’s going on inside a person. Even when a person avoids conflict, their emotions are visible through bodily expressions. If a guy doesn’t say what he feels (“I am angry”), you’ll see the emotion in more potentially harmful ways of attitude and behavior like sarcasm, avoidance, gossip, and forms of addiction.

Comment on the specific body language signals you pick up on. If you just say, “You look frustrated. Is there something you want to tell me?”, the nice conflict avoider will reply, “No”. Be specific by saying, “When I said I need you to work overtime, you turned your head then rolled your eyes. It seems you were bothered by my request. That’s okay. Share with me what’s on your mind.”

4. Lighten the Moment

Life can get too serious. Lighten conflict when appropriate and people can more openly face differences.

Humor is one-way to reduce tension. In fact, humor is often a release of tension. One company owner in a meeting observed the secretary verbally dominate the marketing director Jim over a tactic to acquire customers. The owner interrupted his secretary: “Okay. We could settle this in the boxing ring, but the board of directors will probably fire me for employee abuse… What do you think Jim, about the tactic to acquire customers?”

Another way to lighten conflict is with a tactic from the first chapter of my Communication Secrets of Powerful People program: use padded words. The technique softens what can be harsh. Examples of padded words include: “I feel there’s a small issue to face…”, “It’s not much, but I’d like to…”, and “Maybe we can…”

Do not overuse padded words otherwise it blurs the issue and causes your message to lose its intended meaning. Be aware that softening up conflict can be another form of avoidance. Balance the two by keeping it light yet be sure to address the issue.

5. Provide Positive Reinforcement

Conflict is avoided because of negative reinforcement. Attempts to change are met with defensive behavior resulting in learned hopelessness. Name-calling, ignorance of feelings, shouting, abusive tactics, and violence act as punishment to unconsciously tell someone, “Avoid similar situations in the future otherwise suffer again.”

The way to solve this using Skinner’s behavioral theory is to provide positive reinforcement. Do what you can to consciously and unconsciously make someone want to address conflict.

When someone takes the step into the scary unknown of open communication by confronting conflict, it’s important to reinforce the desired behavior with effective conflict management techniques. In the absence of these methods, you could end up making the conflict destructive and further reinforce the person’s patterns of avoidance.

You can also welcome different perspectives by asking for the person’s opinion. Listen then thank the person for expressing himself or herself. Everyone loves to feel listened to, understood, and appreciated.

Conflict avoidance doesn’t have to destroy your workplace, marriage, or family when you use the above five ways to deal with conflict. Just be sure to not avoid what I’ve given you.

Inaccurate biases make it more strenuous than it already is for an introvert to attend parties, network at events, and socialize anywhere. Introverts must understand the truth about their personality type to maximize their career, build a fun social life, and enjoy happy relationships.

What is an Introvert?

On the playground, children compare their belly buttons with one another. If you had an outtie, you were laughed at and probably labeled “weird”. If you had an innie, you were considered a part of the group.

The feelings of belly buttons in the playground are reversed for the extroverted and introverted personality types. Innies (introverts) are considered weird while outties (extroverts) are the norm. This perception of introversion and extroversion flow from misinterpreting their original definitions, which makes it scary to be an introvert.

Carl Jung brought the “introversion” and “extroversion” terms into our language. Jung defined introversion as “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life.” He defined extroversion as “the act, state, or habit of being predominantly concerned with and obtaining gratification from what is outside the self.” These definitions when misinterpreted confirm most people’s idea of introverts being self-centered anti-social beings while extroverts happily socialize and enjoy relationships.

Introverts are not narcissistic persons. Just as introverts are not necessarily self-centered, extroversion isn’t synonymous with popularity and compassion for others.

The correct definition Jung gave introversion and extroversion is the direction of psychic energy. Psychic energy is hard to conceptualize, measure, and even describe, which makes some modern day psychologists disagree with the concept, but I like to think of it as a life force exchanged with the world.

The flow of psychic energy describes where your energy tends to reside while you think and socialize. If you have an inward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from solitude making you an introvert. You get energized from reading, listening to music, and being alone.

If you have an outward flow of psychic energy, your energy builds from interactions with people making you an extrovert. Extroverts need to be around people otherwise they feel drained.

Lets look into this further. The knowledge I’m giving you in this article has given me tremendous freedom and acceptance that nothing is inherently wrong with me. I’ve found the more I understand myself, the more acceptance, self-love, and compassion I have for who I am. This self-love allows me to make great friends.

Introversion and Extroversion Model

Since Jung, the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test is famous for its accuracy at defining people’s personality type. Introversion and extroversion is one of four dichotomies in a MBTI test, but by itself provides a lot of insight into your own way of feeling and behaving. Knowing the signs of an introvert is a great way to understand this personality type.

You may notice the opposite personality type occasionally surfaces from your behavior as you more accurately deduce introversion and extroversion. If you’re an introvert, for example, sometimes you may find yourself excited and energized talking to people. Extroverts also need moments of silence in solitude. Rare persons have the “pure personality type” of extreme introversion or extroversion.

Jung said the degree of introversion and extroversion varies along a continuum. We exist between the two extremes. It’s common as we age to move towards the center of introversion and extroversion by losing the introverted or extroverted characteristics once embodied.

The Challenge of Being an Introvert

According to introvert expert Marti Laney, an innie herself and author of The Introvert Advantage, we live in an extrovert world. Lang says about 75% of people are extroverts, leaving 25% to be introverts.

Like Laney, I’m an introvert! ToP subscribers are surprised to hear I’m introverted. They envision a communication skills coach as someone with wit, has a lot to say, loves to talk with people, and is dominant in conversations. I’ve built up some of these characteristics, but I’m absolutely an innie. I think that’s why a lot of shy people love connecting with me.

From my experiences, I’ve wondered why introversion makes life and socializing feel like an uphill battle. The general perception of introversion is bad for several reasons – some of which were revealed earlier.

Extroverts are put on holy ground reigning over introverts. Extroverts enjoy themselves in conversations, move forward in their careers, give the best presentations, persuade people to buy, and win dates. What about introverts? They are labeled as anti-social nerds that cannot converse with people because they have no social skills. Both beliefs are myths.

If introversion is generally frowned upon, it makes sense then to try and be an extrovert. Can such personality transform occur?

You cannot transform yourself from one personality type to the other contrary to common lies told by self-help gurus. I’m not saying introverts are forever stuck with a suck social life. I’ve found you can change from an introvert to an extrovert in the sense that you can become more social. You don’t really change from an introvert to an extrovert – you embody the characteristics often associated with extroversion.

You may mistake introversion for shyness or anxiety – such qualities and experiences have nothing to do with an introverted personality. Nonetheless, introverts are often uncomfortable meeting people because their personality pushes them away from socializing. Anyone becomes anxious without experience and practice.

Breakthrough Brain Battle: Introverts Versus Extroverts

Nerds in lab coats can see if you’re introverted or extroverted by injecting radioactive material into your body then looking at how your brain functions. You won’t turn into Radioactive Man from the Simpsons, but the findings will help you appreciate how you socialize and feel about yourself.

In a popular study by Dr. Debra Johnson, positron emission tomography was used to look at the blood flow of extroverts and introverts after participants completed a personality test. The medical technique involves injecting patients with a small amount of radioactive material into their bloodstream before a brain scan to see the brain’s activity. Red indicates high blood flow and intense activity.

The first significant finding Dr. Johnson discovered was that introverts had more blood flow in the brain. Their brains were stimulated more than extroverts. Secondly – and more importantly in understanding the difference between introversion and extroversion – Dr. Johnson discovered that introverts had intense blood flow through brain regions responsible for memory, planning, and problem solving.

Extroverts on the other hand, had intense activities in faster regions of the brain where sensory information of sights, sounds, touch, and taste (not smell) is processed. Extroverts were soaking in the visuals of the scanning machines, voices of the researchers, and feelings of the surface they lay on! Fascinating!

Dr. Johnson had extended on Jung’s definition of extroversion and introversion. She concluded based on blood flow in the brain that introverts revel in their inner world while extroverts direct their focus on the outer world.

Benefits of Being an Introvert

Up to this point in the article, you can now appreciate your personality type, which by itself helps you thrive in an extrovert world. You come to see where your strengths and weaknesses dwell. Keep in mind, however, that because we’re all blended with introverted and extroverted characteristics, you’re not excluded from the benefits and downfalls of either personality type.

There are further situations, careers, and skills each personality type is strong thanks to the qualities discussed in this article.

Extroverts thrive in situations and careers like emergency services, mediators, stockbrokers, and pilots that require quick responses. They love logical analysis for quick decisive action. They also have a curiosity for exploration and creation, which leads them to fields of science, marketing, investigation, acting, and entrepreneurship.

An extroverted person tends to focus on the present moment. These people prefer to be around others instead of reading, sitting at a computer, or doing some other social activity.

Introverts on the other hand, thrive in unique situations on their own. They are reliable experts at assimilating information by gathering complex information and filtering it through their experiences and knowledge. Examples of these people include accountants, engineers, computer programmers, and counselors.

An introvert generally has trouble meeting and talking with strangers, but they are good at building deep connections with people by listening, understanding, and appearing calm. Their ability to listen and understand with calmness makes them good writers and psychologists.

If an introvert learns to meet and talk with people, he or she may find the later stage of the relationship easy to maintain. People conversing with introverts feel surprised and intimate to discover a personal self hidden from others.

Your personality does not have to be the sole determinant of success and happiness. Michelle Pfeiffer, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Clint Eastwood are a few famous introverts in an extroverted industry. I know many successful communication trainers like myself who confidently socialize and enjoy life with an introvert personality.

There’s a lot to love about your personality – stop being ashamed of it. Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, you can build friends, influence people, and live a life you enjoy. No matter your personality, it’s up to you to build the skills that give you the life you want.

(I developed the Big Talk Training Course to help the shyest introvert socialize and talk with anyone. What makes this course even better for introverts is I’m an introvert and know what’s it like to suffer at social events not knowing what to say. I recommend you check out the course by clicking here if you’re frustrated with your social life, have few friends, and don’t know how to talk with people.)

There are no right or wrong answers. The quiz discovers your personality so you can better approach how you socialize, talk, and enjoy life. Your introverted or extroverted personality impacts your ability to build friends and influence people in ways you probably cannot comprehend.

Have fun with the quiz! I hope you learn a lot.

For more information and understanding of your personality type, I’ve written an insightful article to help you learn more about introversion and extroversion.

Get your friends to take this quiz! Tell friends, family, and coworkers about this test by clicking the “ShareThis” button:. To learn how you can confidently talk and make friends – especially if you’re a shy introvert – checkout my Big Talk Training Course.